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The Monoblogue

The Monoblogue
An actor's guide to the career from hell. A young professional actress and graduate of one of the world's top drama schools spills the beans on castings, callbacks, and her most-feared competitors.

Articles

Sorry for the extended break...
2008-01-20 00:25:00
The Monoblogue is on hold while I'm busy with more pressing engagements. Hope to be back in touch soon!
More About: Break , Extended , Sorry
Do I really need to go to acting school?
2008-01-10 00:00:00
Yes, you do. Here's why, if you're serious about becoming an actor, you really, really, really should study acting:Acting requires technique. Just as a pianist needs to spend hours and hours playing scales before he's concert-ready, you need to train your ass off before you can hit Broadway. Your voice, body, and brain need to be at their best, and you can't teach that to yourself.Practice makes perfect. Acting is one of those professions that's hard to do alone. If you only get to act at auditions and in front of the mirror at home, you just won't have enough performance time to really become great. Plus, acting school will give you the skills and discipline you need to practice on your own.Support. All actors are insecure, and your misery will only get worse if most of your actor-to-actor contact is at auditions. Acting school environments are usually extremely supportive and can encourage you to take the risks that will make you a better actor.The more tools you have, the ...
More About: School
Kato Kaelin lands a national commercial; Monobloguer is confused
2008-01-09 23:56:00
Today I auditioned for an Ask.com commercial. I had to be a girl who gets really excited about finding a whole bunch of Kato Kaelin fansites through Ask and then ecstatically sings, "I've got what I was looking for!" while the real Kato Kaelin emerges out of a sea of topless Kato Kaelin look-alikes.Obviously, the question begging to be asked here is: who the fuck cares about Kato Kaelin? Don't get me wrong -- I'm happy for Kato that he got a job. But if Ask.com wants to compete with Google (which they presumably are trying to do), don't you think they could shell out a few more dollars to get an actual celebrity in one of their commercials? Who would ever search for a Kato Kaelin fansite? Or is this some kind of Kevin Federline thing where he tries to make fun of himself on national TV and ends up looking stupider than ever before?I don't get it. If you have any idea what the hell Ask.com is thinking (or if you're a huge Kato Kaelin fan and want to threaten me), leave a commen...
More About: National , Commercial
Jeremy Piven: The date from hell
2008-01-09 23:54:00
I know I just wrote about miserable actors, but when I heard that Jeremy Piven recently made a public douchebag of himself at Nobu Aspen, I had no choice but to bring up the subject again.The gist is that Piven rolled into Nobu with twelve other people on a very busy night. The staff managed to find a table for them even though the Piv's group was without reservations. At the end of the meal, instead of leaving what should have been a tip worth hundreds of dollars, Piven put down a copy of the first season of Entourage on DVD. On his way out, he told the manager, "Thanks for nothing." A furious waiter hurled the DVD at Piven as he left.Oh, Piven. You sad, sad loser. And before my gentle readers start whining that the media distorts everything and the story probably isn't even true, let me tell you: Nobu or no Nobu, Jeremy Piven is a huge, mealy, nauseating douchebag.I know this because I went on a date with him.A few years ago, before J. Piv had landed the part of the asshole agen...
More About: Hell
Do you hate me? The drama of the insecure actor
2008-01-09 23:54:00
Actors are a miserable, needy, sorry bunch of wimps. Sometimes I really think we should all be rounded up and thrown into some kind of Psychiatric Ward for Performers with Low Self-Esteem and given some hardcore therapy. Like lobotomies and electroshock and caged beds. You know, old school.Take my friend Pete. He's an actor. The other night, I was out with him and some friends at a bar, and Pete started hitting on a girl ruthlessly. Eventually, he got her number.Pete and his girlfriend, Ethel, have been living together for about four years now. He's cheated on her before."Don't be an asshole, Pete," I said. "Ethel deserves better. Just because you have an inferiority complex doesn't mean she should suffer because of it."Pete started getting defensive. "I'm not an asshole! I was just trying to be friendly! Don't give me shit!" Eventually, his whining devolved into, "I swear I'm not an asshole... Don't be mad. Do you hate me?"Do you hate me. Lots of guys, whether they're acto...
More About: Drama , Hate , Actor
On-set with Coca-Cola: What to do when you have nothing to do
2008-01-09 23:53:00
I recently did a Coca -Cola commercial. It was a three-day night shoot, so I got picked up every day at 3:30 in the afternoon. On day two, I arrived on set at 5, eager as a beaver. I was in costume and makeup by 6. And then... I waited. Still pretty eager.And waited... Eager enough.And waited... Not so eager.At 6:00 a.m., the beaver died. I was back in the van and on my way home. I had done nothing all night.If you're serious about on-camera work, you'd better have a lot of patience -- or at least a lot to do besides hovering around the catering table and getting your fingers sticky. Here are five productive ways to spend your off-camera time:1. Get to know people. Never underestimate the friendships (and contacts!) you can make while waiting. Other actors and off-duty crew are usually more than happy to chat. Don't be the anti-social cast member who sits in a corner and refuses to engage; you could be missing out on a lot. On this shoot alone, I made several new friends, was invi...
More About: Coca Cola
Very bad writing: What do you do when the script sucks ass?
2008-01-09 23:52:00
Ever tried reading lines that are just awful? Clichéd, unnatural, illogical, and grammatically incorrect? Did you all of a sudden feel like a really bad actor?Don't worry, it's not your fault.Bad scripts are the bane of any good actor's existence. We're dependent on the writer's words, and when those words are lame, it's pretty hard not to look lame yourself.Case in point: Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio -- both excellent actors -- who were forced to speak some abhorrent dialogue in Titanic. Lines like "I'm flying, Jack!" and "I'm the king of the world!" just can't be said convincingly. Kate managed to pull it off fairly well, but Leo's miserably wooden performance almost destroyed his career.So what do you do when you're stuck having to take your lines from a James Cameron screenplay? You suck it up, find some truth in what you're saying, and commit. Again, if you're afraid of looking stupid, you'll end up looking stupider. And think about what kind of person woul...
More About: Writing , Script , Sucks
Be my friend on Myspace!
2008-01-09 23:51:00
I'd love to know a little more about who the hell you are. So let's get together.
More About: Myspace , Friend
What makes a good headshot? The top three tips for headshot perfection
2008-01-09 23:51:00
The vast majority of actors have really bad headshots. This is good news, because if you and I manage to get ourselves some great ones, we already have a huge advantage over the teeming masses of professional actor wannabes.Don't have any headshots yet? Get yourself some, pronto. You can't see an agent or a casting director without them. And while you're getting them done -- and choosing the shots you want to print afterwards -- keep these headshot basics in mind:1. You must look like yourself. For the love of God, don't underestimate how important this is. Your headshot photographer might take a few of you at an exposure that completely washes out your enormous nose, and you'll naturally want to pick that one as your final print. But when a casting director calls you in for the part of the fair-haired, button-nosed ingenue on the basis of that headshot, she'll be pissed off that you're wasting her time. And if your photo doesn't look anything like you, the director's unlik...
More About: Tips , Good , Perfection
Audition anxiety: Playing the hot babe
2008-01-09 23:50:00
When I have an audition and my agent instructs me to "look as HOT as you POSSIBLY CAN," I can't help but feel a little nauseous. Oh, so this for one of those really pretty characters. The "hot babe." Dammit.This one happens to be for a big Hollywood movie, so I know the competition's going to be brutal. And I'm not one of those classic beauty types, either. So I bought myself some new makeup and a push-up bra, and I practiced pouting while batting my eyelashes and saying the line, "I had no idea you had such a secret life outside of here, Wesley."Wish me luck.
More About: Anxiety , Babe , Audition
Headshot from hell
2008-01-09 23:49:00
I'll get into detail about what makes a good headshot very soon, but I couldn't resist handing you this golden little nugget first:This picture depresses me. I'm sure I don't really need to spell out why, but I'll tell you anyway.Please don't look at me that way. Anybody looking to cast an evil gnome? I found him.The Floater. Unless you want to look like the result of an underground lab experiment, avoid black turtlenecks against dark backgrounds. In fact, just avoid black turtlenecks altogether. They never did anybody any favors.I think there's something in your eye. Get that hair out of your face, for Christ's sake.I know what you've been doing. See those dark shadows? The ones right next to those gleaming white cheekbones? That's from too much fiddling with your photo editing software. I know you probably have wrinkles and a face full of pockmarks, but your audition won't come with a brightness and contrast button. So you might as well be up front about what you've go...
More About: Hell
Yoghurt and the value of commitment
2008-01-09 23:48:00
Lately, my agent's been sending me to a ton of auditions that I have no business walking into (there's no way I could be a sexy young mom, even if I am technically of childbearing age -- I'm way too infantile-looking). So I was thrilled when I finally had an audition for a part I could actually be cast in.This was for a UK and Ireland Danone yoghurt commercial, with a typically moronic premise: two girls are sitting across from each other in a boxing ring, with a table between them covered in donuts and onion rings and other fatty yummies. They're both on a diet, and are competing intensely to see who can resist the junk food the longest. One of them is eating only salad; the other one... yup, just Danone.The audition consisted of a prolonged fierce look at the opponent while gripping the table, trying not to cave in and eat (the moral of this commercial's story is really pretty shameful).The girl opposite me was a model, not an actress, so naturally she was terrible. When she ...
More About: Commitment , Yoghurt
Why 'the career from hell'?
2008-01-09 23:47:00
You know why.Because 98% of you will never make a living from acting.Because everyone thinks they can be an actor too.Because by choosing to be an actor, you're entering a vast community of insecure, self-involved, delusional twats.Because you'll probably end up marrying one of those insecure, self-involved, delusional twats, and one of you will be more successful than the other.Because your insecure, self-involved, delusional twat spouse will have illicit sex with more gorgeous co-stars than you ever thought possible.Because everyone from your hometown in Kentucky is sure you're the next Angelina Jolie, and they can't understand why they haven't seen you in a Hollywood movie yet.Because when you eat in a restaurant in New York or L.A., your waiter will always be another actor.Because no matter how smart, funny, charming, and talented you are, your looks will always come first.Because it's all you want to do, and on most days you won't be doing it.Because you will make a huge...
More About: Career , Hell
Do I really need to go to acting school?
2007-04-25 05:28:00
Yes, you do. Here's why, if you're serious about becoming an actor, you really, really, really should study acting:Acting requires technique. Just as a pianist needs to spend hours and hours playing scales before he's concert-ready, you need to train your ass off before you can hit Broadway. Your voice, body, and brain need to be at their best, and you can't teach that to yourself.Practice makes perfect. Acting is one of those professions that's hard to do alone. If you only get to act at auditions and in front of the mirror at home, you just won't have enough performance time to really become great. Plus, acting school will give you the skills and discipline you need to practice on your own.Support. All actors are insecure, and your misery will only get worse if most of your actor-to-actor contact is at auditions. Acting school environments are usually extremely supportive and can encourage you to take the risks that will make you a better actor.The more tools you have, the ...
More About: School , Really , Ally
Kato Kaelin lands a national commercial; Monobloguer is confused
2007-04-10 16:55:00
Today I auditioned for an Ask.com commercial. I had to be a girl who gets really excited about finding a whole bunch of Kato Kaelin fansites through Ask and then ecstatically sings, "I've got what I was looking for!" while the real Kato Kaelin emerges out of a sea of topless Kato Kaelin look-alikes.Obviously, the question begging to be asked here is: who the fuck cares about Kato Kaelin? Don't get me wrong -- I'm happy for Kato that he got a job. But if Ask.com wants to compete with Google (which they presumably are trying to do), don't you think they could shell out a few more dollars to get an actual celebrity in one of their commercials? Who would ever search for a Kato Kaelin fansite? Or is this some kind of Kevin Federline thing where he tries to make fun of himself on national TV and ends up looking stupider than ever before?I don't get it. If you have any idea what the hell Ask.com is thinking (or if you're a huge Kato Kaelin fan and want to threaten me), leave a commen...
More About: National , Commercial , Comm , Merc
Jeremy Piven: The date from hell
2007-03-29 01:31:00
I know I just wrote about miserable actors, but when I heard that Jeremy Piven recently made a public douchebag of himself at Nobu Aspen, I had no choice but to bring up the subject again.The gist is that Piven rolled into Nobu with twelve other people on a very busy night. The staff managed to find a table for them even though the Piv's group was without reservations. At the end of the meal, instead of leaving what should have been a tip worth hundreds of dollars, Piven put down a copy of the first season of Entourage on DVD. On his way out, he told the manager, "Thanks for nothing." A furious waiter hurled the DVD at Piven as he left.Oh, Piven. You sad, sad loser. And before my gentle readers start whining that the media distorts everything and the story probably isn't even true, let me tell you: Nobu or no Nobu, Jeremy Piven is a huge, mealy, nauseating douchebag.I know this because I went on a date with him.A few years ago, before J. Piv had landed the part of the asshole agen...
More About: Remy , Hell , The D
Do you hate me? The drama of the insecure actor
2007-03-23 23:08:00
Actors are a miserable, needy, sorry bunch of wimps. Sometimes I really think we should all be rounded up and thrown into some kind of Psychiatric Ward for Performers with Low Self-Esteem and given some hardcore therapy. Like lobotomies and electroshock and caged beds. You know, old school.Take my friend Pete. He's an actor. The other night, I was out with him and some friends at a bar, and Pete started hitting on a girl ruthlessly. Eventually, he got her number.Pete and his girlfriend, Ethel, have been living together for about four years now. He's cheated on her before."Don't be an asshole, Pete," I said. "Ethel deserves better. Just because you have an inferiority complex doesn't mean she should suffer because of it."Pete started getting defensive. "I'm not an asshole! I was just trying to be friendly! Don't give me shit!" Eventually, his whining devolved into, "I swear I'm not an asshole... Don't be mad. Do you hate me?"Do you hate me. Lots of guys, whether they're acto...
More About: Drama , Hate , Hat , Secure , Cure
On-set with Coca-Cola: What to do when you have nothing to do
2007-03-19 02:48:00
I recently did a Coca-Cola commercial. It was a three-day night shoot, so I got picked up every day at 3:30 in the afternoon. On day two, I arrived on set at 5, eager as a beaver. I was in costume and makeup by 6. And then... I waited. Still pretty eager.And waited... Eager enough.And waited... Not so eager.At 6:00 a.m., the beaver died. I was back in the van and on my way home. I had done nothing all night.If you're serious about on-camera work, you'd better have a lot of patience -- or at least a lot to do besides hovering around the catering table and getting your fingers sticky. Here are five productive ways to spend your off-camera time:1. Get to know people. Never underestimate the friendships (and contacts!) you can make while waiting. Other actors and off-duty crew are usually more than happy to chat. Don't be the anti-social cast member who sits in a corner and refuses to engage; you could be missing out on a lot. On this shoot alone, I made several new friends, was invi...
More About: With , What , Hat , Coca Cola
Very bad writing: What do you do when the script sucks ass?
2007-03-15 23:48:00
Ever tried reading lines that are just awful? Clichéd, unnatural, illogical, and grammatically incorrect? Did you all of a sudden feel like a really bad actor?Don't worry, it's not your fault.Bad scripts are the bane of any good actor's existence. We're dependent on the writer's words, and when those words are lame, it's pretty hard not to look lame yourself.Case in point: Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio -- both excellent actors -- who were forced to speak some abhorrent dialogue in Titanic. Lines like "I'm flying, Jack!" and "I'm the king of the world!" just can't be said convincingly. Kate managed to pull it off fairly well, but Leo's miserably wooden performance almost destroyed his career.So what do you do when you're stuck having to take your lines from a James Cameron screenplay? You suck it up, find some truth in what you're saying, and commit. Again, if you're afraid of looking stupid, you'll end up looking stupider. And think about what kind of person woul...
More About: Writing , What , Script , Hat , When
Be my friend on Myspace!
2007-03-14 22:51:00
I'd love to know a little more about who the hell you are. So let's get together.
More About: Space , Myspace , Friend , Pace
What makes a good headshot? The top three tips for headshot perfection
2007-03-08 00:18:00
The vast majority of actors have really bad headshots. This is good news, because if you and I manage to get ourselves some great ones, we already have a huge advantage over the teeming masses of professional actor wannabes.Don't have any headshots yet? Get yourself some, pronto. You can't see an agent or a casting director without them. And while you're getting them done -- and choosing the shots you want to print afterwards -- keep these headshot basics in mind:1. You must look like yourself. For the love of God, don't underestimate how important this is. Your headshot photographer might take a few of you at an exposure that completely washes out your enormous nose, and you'll naturally want to pick that one as your final print. But when a casting director calls you in for the part of the fair-haired, button-nosed ingenue on the basis of that headshot, she'll be pissed off that you're wasting her time. And if your photo doesn't look anything like you, the director's unlik...
More About: Tips , What , Hat , Shot , Make
Audition anxiety: Playing the hot babe
2007-03-06 13:50:00
When I have an audition and my agent instructs me to "look as HOT as you POSSIBLY CAN," I can't help but feel a little nauseous. Oh, so this for one of those really pretty characters. The "hot babe." Dammit.This one happens to be for a big Hollywood movie, so I know the competition's going to be brutal. And I'm not one of those classic beauty types, either. So I bought myself some new makeup and a push-up bra, and I practiced pouting while batting my eyelashes and saying the line, "I had no idea you had such a secret life outside of here, Wesley."Wish me luck.
More About: Audi , Play , Audit , Anxiety , Babe
Headshot from hell
2007-03-01 02:33:00
I'll get into detail about what makes a good headshot very soon, but I couldn't resist handing you this golden little nugget first:This picture depresses me. I'm sure I don't really need to spell out why, but I'll tell you anyway.Please don't look at me that way. Anybody looking to cast an evil gnome? I found him.The Floater. Unless you want to look like the result of an underground lab experiment, avoid black turtlenecks against dark backgrounds. In fact, just avoid black turtlenecks altogether. They never did anybody any favors.I think there's something in your eye. Get that hair out of your face, for Christ's sake.I know what you've been doing. See those dark shadows? The ones right next to those gleaming white cheekbones? That's from too much fiddling with your photo editing software. I know you probably have wrinkles and a face full of pockmarks, but your audition won't come with a brightness and contrast button. So you might as well be up front about what you've go...
More About: Shot , Hell , Head , Heads
Yoghurt and the value of commitment
2007-02-27 02:43:00
Lately, my agent's been sending me to a ton of auditions that I have no business walking into (there's no way I could be a sexy young mom, even if I am technically of childbearing age -- I'm way too infantile-looking). So I was thrilled when I finally had an audition for a part I could actually be cast in.This was for a UK and Ireland Danone yoghurt commercial, with a typically moronic premise: two girls are sitting across from each other in a boxing ring, with a table between them covered in donuts and onion rings and other fatty yummies. They're both on a diet, and are competing intensely to see who can resist the junk food the longest. One of them is eating only salad; the other one... yup, just Danone.The audition consisted of a prolonged fierce look at the opponent while gripping the table, trying not to cave in and eat (the moral of this commercial's story is really pretty shameful).The girl opposite me was a model, not an actress, so naturally she was terrible. When she ...
More About: Men , Hurt , Commitment , Value , Comm
Why 'the career from hell'?
2007-02-21 17:47:00
You know why.Because 98% of you will never make a living from acting.Because everyone thinks they can be an actor too.Because by choosing to be an actor, you're entering a vast community of insecure, self-involved, delusional twats.Because you'll probably end up marrying one of those insecure, self-involved, delusional twats, and one of you will be more successful than the other.Because your insecure, self-involved, delusional twat spouse will have illicit sex with more gorgeous co-stars than you ever thought possible.Because everyone from your hometown in Kentucky is sure you're the next Angelina Jolie, and they can't understand why they haven't seen you in a Hollywood movie yet.Because when you eat in a restaurant in New York or L.A., your waiter will always be another actor.Because no matter how smart, funny, charming, and talented you are, your looks will always come first.Because it's all you want to do, and on most days you won't be doing it.Because you will make a huge...
More About: Care , Career , Hell , The Car
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