Resume Hell

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Articles: 1, 2

Don't go swimming in .....uh . too late.
2008-05-14 17:26:00
"My hobbies include regular attendance at my local gym and swimming poo"no. words. needed.
More About: Swimming , Late

Online Translation Hell
2008-04-16 11:09:00
I almost feel mean for posting these (note I say 'almost') but sometimes online translation tools belch up some gems."Dear Lady/Sir! I would like to present myself the announced webdesigner onto a position! It is included in my long-term plans that he is graphic designer inside a trade let me find a job. According to my opinion, my school studies, my experiences and it until now 2 of my year professional practices suitable one do the webdesigner scope of activities onto his filling. Trust in it, that my letter arouses your interest. I send it enclosed herewith concerning my curriculum vitae and the reference my works! I wait for their answer!I would make the work in telework, freelance if may be!!! Kind regards,"I know, I'm a bad man for mocking.
More About: Online , Hell , Translation

First Day Hell
2008-04-10 11:35:00
I'd just like to point you to an interesting article on The Times website - What not to do when starting a new job.My favorite is"A couple of weeks ago a new recruit turned up to his orientation with his mum,? says Donna Miller, the European HR director of Enterprise Rent-A-Car. ?We had to explain that he was the one we had hired, not his mother."
More About: Hell

How to handle rejection
2008-04-02 10:13:00
Not one I received, but I came across this gem and thought I'd share."Herbert A. MillingtonChair - Search Committee412A Clarkson Hall, Whitson UniversityCollege Hill, MA 34109Dear Professor Millington,Thank you for your letter of March 16. After careful consideration, Iregret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer mean assistant professor position in your department.This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusuallylarge number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising fieldof candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.Despite Whitson's outstanding qualifications and previous experience inrejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs atthis time. Therefore, I will assume the position of assistant professorin your department this August. I look forward to seeing you then.Best of luck in rejecting future applicants.Sincerely,Chris L. Jensen"
More About: Rejection , Handle

Nothing new but...
2008-03-18 01:09:00
I hope you like the new layout. I'm no design guru I know, but the full width layout seems to help and I've changed some colors here and there.

Happy, Happy, Happy Meals
2008-02-29 15:54:00
"Hobbies/Interests: drawing, singing, art, music, surfing the net, collecting Happy Meal toys"Each to their own I guess. I can imagine him sitting in his room surrounded by sealed bags ("DON'T touch the bags Mother !") laughing maniacally. All are indexed and he's awaiting the day that the art market sees his collection as definitive of the 21st Century.EDIT : Woah, I just checked. A search for - happy meal toy collecting brings over 1.2 million Google results. I'll get hate mail (in crayon) for this.
More About: Meals

Just like my mentor Jon bon Jovi
2008-02-11 12:55:00
I haven't updated in a loooooong time I know, but I'm back with a pip and a doozy. This is something truly extraordinary to restart this faltering blog.It could be tongue in cheek, but I really hope not. So get a coffee, sit back and enjoy the most wonderous profile page."Some things I like:thin ties. cooking. reading in bed by torchlight. wondering. taking things apart. dogs. making people laugh. sometimes putting things back together. my treasured roman pipe. my bicycle. the freedom it gives me. black. and white. responsible architects. anything by marcel breuer, getting my hands dirty. I?m a guy with an enviable history. Some would say a rogue, I would say at least a lovable rogue. Just like my mentor Jon bon Jovi, I?ve seen a million faces and I?ve rocked them all. I?ve spent a considerable time both high above and deep below ground. I like the perspective from both places. It?s a shame so many people never look beyond the front of their noses. I like to see the angles others ...
More About: Mentor , Bon Jovi , Jon Bon Jovi

A tough balancing act
2007-10-29 12:31:00
"I have developed a healthy work-life balance"That would be admirable, if it weren't for the fact that this guy's resume contained one, solitary, part-time job. Now, to my mind that isn't exactly a balance. The scales appear to be tipping in one direction slightly.Although perhaps his social life isn't up to much either ?reddit_url='[URL]'reddit_title='[TITLE]'
More About: Tough

hav u seen mi gr8 resume ?
2007-10-04 12:51:00
Wow, it's been another whole month since my last post. Sorry readers.Today's wonderfully written gem is below. Enjoy."6/2007 - Present - Supermarket Sales Assistanti as a online shopper .our dept,its called grossory online.i m a shopper,n do all the work in absence of supervisour n manager.managing the dept well.i.e doing paper work,making sure tht we have enough shoppers n drivers 2 make sure the deliverys is on time,allocating vans to drivers n work to shoppers accordingly."I love these people dearly you know.
More About: Resume

HG Wells - you are not in my circle of trust
2007-08-31 13:16:00
"Time is very valuable and it should be always used to achieve optimum results and I believe it should not be played around with"So there you go. If you were planning on messing with time itself, you have been warned - it's valuable. Thanks.Has it really been over a month since my last post ? Sorry folks. Been busy actually recruiting (though my inherent laziness hasn't helped either)reddit_url='[URL]'reddit_title='[T ITLE]'
More About: Trust , Circle , Wells , Well , Not I

To be or not to be, that is web 2.0
2007-07-25 14:49:00
Just saw a resume for a web developer, who had worked on a project for"Service for old man to check they are still alive or not."As it turns out, it's more about informing relatives of your wellbeing. Even that conjures interesting ideas though -Imagine the email they receive - "errr hi. your dad's dead - the opinions in this email do not necessarily represent those of...." and perhaps they would have google adsense down the side with "Find your dead dad on eBay"reddit_url='[URL]'reddit_title='[TIT LE]'
More About: Web 2.0

Real Hell
2007-07-13 22:39:00
I'm really not sure where to start with this one. It's been kindly submitted by George Bazhenov (go visit his site or his blog here (though you'll need to be able to read Russian).I'll let George tell this in his own words. Expect a cocktail stick with a cheese chunk of humor and a pineapple chunk of pathos."That was very near to hell in 1998 - quarter million Sierra Leonean refugees fleeing across the border and into Guinea. My job was to take part in an effort to feed all of them and my agency started recruiting field monitors. Applications started to arrive in their hundreds, way too more for us to process. There were real gems, West Africans love theatrics but in a situation of hunger and despair this sounded tragic and nobody laughed at their job applications that in normal conditions would be circulated through offices and learned by heart to retell near a soda fountain.I still keep one and I still think that it carries more tragedy than comedy with it.Letter of RequestI a...
More About: Real , Hell

Show me the money !
2007-07-09 18:06:00
Samantha mailed me this one, though she didn't want to appear too mean-spirited. You really shouldn't worry."Wendys - CashierSuccessfully handled money. Received money from customers.And successfully issued the correct amount of change back to the customers"Everybody deliberates over the most appropriate elements of a role to include on their resume. I appreciate that a Wendys cashier is not the most wide-ranging or challenging position but of all the tasks involved, NOT defrauding customers should really be a given shouldn't it ?reddit_url='[URL]'reddit_title='[TITLE]'
More About: Money , Show , Show Me the Money

I'm going to win the Nobel Peace Prize !
2007-06-26 13:41:00
Received today "I belive that weakness is the first level of strength, given the right attitude and driving force. My school advised me to fix my punctuality by taking work experience with the army. This went excellent, and I came out with fantastic results and in the top three in the physical 3k run. My mediocre gr ades do not reflect my true abilities and standards. I am dedicating my future to socialisticly unite the third world countries through the use of media. I can drive, however I am still in the process of getting my license. I have the more than the high levels of energy than required for any job. I am also looking for new media investors. My goal in life is to win the nobel pe*ace* prize through the next big buisness. Global Psychological Reconstruction. I believe in the qoute "who cares wins", and would love to work abroad, America, Japan, etc."then later, under skills -"Cleaning skills:- bleaching, pot washing, window cleaning, m...
More About: Peace , Nobel Peace Prize , Nobel , Going , Goin

Search Engine what ?
2007-06-19 11:50:00
Another online marketing related one today. For those that don't know Search Engine Optimization (or SEO) is a myriad of ways to get your site as high up the search results pages in Search Engine s as possible. One of those ways comes down to effective copywriting and keywording - eg. finding the most popular and appropriate keywords and phrases.Therefore when listing on your resume that your skills include the rarely used phrase,"Search Engine Manipulation"and no other alternative, it really doesn't fill me with confidence. Put simply, when I'm searching a database for someone with SEO skills, this guy will not appear in the results.

Pay Per Click
2007-05-16 22:03:00
This one needs a brief introduction - If you're not already aware, "Pay Per Clic k " is the standard (and one of the most used methods) within Online Marketing.As always for a recruiter, people who don't have a skill will often try to convince you they do. Often their definition of 'expert' means they once walked passed someone whose brother made coffee for someone with that skill . Usually they're easy to spot, sometimes they blag it well.So back to PPC. A candidate phoned in and after a brief discussion about his skills, I asked him if he had experience of Pay Per Click, to which he replies no, but he could do the job anyway. After an explanation that isn't how it works and with nothing else for him, I requested a resume and left it there.This email arrives -"Dear xxxxxx, thanks very much for your interest. I misheard you on the telphone as saying "paper click" or "paperclip" which I assumed was some specialist software. I am familiar with Google Pay Per Click.I think I can pr...
More About: Pay-per-click

Oops I did it again
2007-04-27 12:47:00
"Job involved...counselling clientele on accidental insurance policies available"Perhaps you can insure yourself against mistakenly buying insurance ? But what if you accidentally bought one of those policies. It's Friday and my brain hurts.
More About: Again , I Did It

Easy life
2007-04-23 17:49:00
"working for a National chain of pubs - Floating Relief Manager"Am i becoming too frivolous ? Is it just me that finds some job titles worthy of a quick snigger ?Oh well, there's just been a lack of genuinely barking-mad applications recently. I'll be honest, I prefer those because it makes me feel normal again. Though it's not much to brag about that I'm not as deranged as some of the people who write to me, I know.Come on - send me a good one !
More About: Life , Easy

Early aspirations
2007-04-20 10:06:00
"My aim is to become a Marketing Director for a large international company once I have graduated from university"What ? Not before ?
More About: Early , Earl

Call PETA
2007-04-13 14:25:00
"Career break in 1999 to renovate my horse"I understand that spellcheck won't pick it up, but how do you mis-type that ? U and R have two whole letters in between to stop your fat fingers confusing them.(by the way, a quick thank you to Sarah Needleman of the Wall Street Journal and CareerJournal.com for posting the interview)
More About: Call , Peta

The what ?
2007-03-27 11:13:00
"1 year experience in the well known Telecommunication Industry"The well known Telecommunication Industry ? As opposed to what ? The telecommunication industry that no-one has ever heard of ?pffft. Sorry for the lack of posts. I've been ill and still don't feel great. Perhaps that's why I'm happy to abuse some poor sap for a minor gaff.

The modern military
2007-03-19 16:53:00
"1990 - 1997 - Stewardess - Royal Air Force"Yes, it's another one which is totally accurate and intentional. However, as my mind drifts like the Mary Celeste it conjures another image in my mind.
More About: Military , Modern

Is that a safety risk ?
2007-03-16 10:00:00
"I AM INTERESTING TO WORK AS A TRANEE ENGINEER"Another simple spelling mistake which conjured a interesting image in my head.
More About: Safety , Risk , That , Safe

Politically correct terminology ?
2007-03-09 09:38:00
"2001 summer Voluntary work for taking care of the elderly and vegetable people"Now, I may not be the biggest advocate of overt political correctness, but I don't think 'vegetable people' is the accepted term anymore. 'Special' and 'Brave' are often used, but I believe 'Mong' and 'Spaz' are still out.Thanks to an anonymous reader called Fluffy for this one.
More About: Terminology , Call , Poli , Ology , Term

mmmm bondage
2007-03-02 09:49:00
"I still remain confident because of the few individuals like you that I plan to be-friend. Hence, by God?s infinite mercy there is room for optimism...May, I request you to kindly walk the extra mile for us, by passing my bio data ... to all concerned. You may wonder why I request you to this at our behest and this is due an inner feeling in me which tells that you a woman who believes in human bondage, not to re-mention compassion and kindness. From my end, may I assure you that I am a man of letters and sincere to my duties. I am often told by others in the manifold spheres of my activities that there is a mystic in what I do."I sometimes like to imagine what it would be like if people spoke the same way they write covering letters. "Good Day, Recruiter ! I shall be attending the public bar pursuant to your request for a cooling beverage. May I inquire as to your liquid preference to imbibe ?"Thanks to Louise at UK Recruiter for this one. That's not her in the pic by the way (at...
More About: Onda , Bondage

Groovy
2007-02-21 10:34:00
"I am looking forward to working in a distinct and dynamic environment, where I can intensify my engineering flairs"Not hilarious today, but I liked the idea of an engineer laboring endlessly to re-design new and improved flares
More About: Groovy

Warrior, Yogi, Spiritual Leader, Sports God and Piss Master
2007-02-19 11:37:00
"5 top skills or characteristicslistening skillsxtremely good communication skillsopen-mindedtarget driveninternally motivated - warrior type though I enjoy yoga very much ;-)Icons 2 follow:Mahatma Gandhi /ethics/Michael Jordan /sport, businesstop business achievements?...In December I signed quite a substantial deal ...to run ... campaign for them in Portugese [Brazil], Chinese, Japanese & Arabic.The best bit - I was competing with .... colleagues in DE & FR :-) What was quite interesting as well - we were able to get the contract event though we charged the client higher management fee that our colleagues from DE & FR!now I can take a moderate piss at my colleagues from Paris & Frankfurt 2 keep their adrenaline at the right level"I'm sure Gandhi would have approved.
More About: Sports , Spiritual , Ritual , Master , Spirit

i is all growed up
2007-02-16 16:41:00
"For the past 3 months I have also been living at home with my brother as my parents have gone on holiday for 3 months as a retirement presents. I believe this experience has matured me as a person, as I have had to look after the house, shop and generally do a lot more tasks for myself. This has given me a new outlook on life and what I want to do with my life in the future."If I were to forward to a client, should I add to the skills section "Washing soiled underwear" and "Wiping own crack" ?I mean I appreciate you're young and this is a big thing for you...and ok you need to fill some pages, but is anyone really going to be impressed that you can buy your own Cheerios ?
More About: Grow

You're kidding right ?
2007-02-13 18:47:00
"Target Position : Misssionary"Like you, I was thinking "yeah, yeah, really funny... not."However I read on, and was converted !This guy has members of a Christian fellowship as references. He worked in a Christian bookshop and is an active member of his Church. The signs are all there - it's no joke.I have no problem with his religious beliefs, but surely anyone would notice the potential humor in "Target Position : Missionary" ?(does Missionary work get listed on job boards ? I just wondered.)
More About: Kidding , Right , Kidd

Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
2007-02-07 23:56:00
"AchievementsI was named Time Magazine's Person of the Year for 2006"Although I didn't receive this personally, a kind person (who wishes to remain anonymous) received this. Now in case you weren't aware, Time Magazine named all of us Person of the Year 2006 in a "we're all into user generated content" kind of way.I actually rather admire this. It's absolutely true, demonstrates a little awareness of current affairs and sets the person apart from many of the sheep we see.OK, so not too DUMB today. Please stay tuned - normal service will be resumed soon.