Mr. Mittingtons

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Call Her Mrs. Brittingtons!
2007-10-02 17:56:00
It really has been a bad week for my dear friend Britney Spears! And yesterday it culminated with her losing custody to K-Fed? Who could have predicted this outcome? In a gesture of solidarity with the victim, I arrived in L.A. last night to fill the void in Britney's arms. It all would have gone swimmingly if she hadn't kept handing me off to her assistant so she could strip naked. I say! No one needs to see that!!! Later when she was driving me to the DMV so she could apply for a driver's licence, she forgot to put me in a cat carrier. I, of course, grew frantic and removed a large chunk of extensions with my claws. She reciprocated by force feeding me cheetos until my fur turned the colour of her skin.Egad! Someone spike her frappuccino with Effexor!Mr. Mittingtons
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Mittingtons Traverses Time and Space!!!
2007-09-28 22:46:00
Many of my old chums are constantly asking how I manage to be in both New York and Los Angeles simultaneously. The answer is a quite simple matter of quantum physics. You see, a few years back, while shopping at a jumble sale in Baraboo, Wisconsin, I came across a life-sized replica of a London Police Box. The retailer, a surly broad with mother of pearl lipstick and nineteen chins, informed me that she would not accept any less than $5.00 for the thing. I say! People have lost that rubbish-ridding spirit of yesteryear. I stuck to my guns at $2.00 and waited around until dusk. When the thing still hadn't sold the woman furled her furry lips and spat out her chaw with disgust. "Take it! Just take it, you filthy thing!"I must assume that that her hip width had prohibited her from ever stepping inside of the thing. Once I got it home I opened the door to reveal a large, space-ship-like room. This was no Police Box! It was a genuine Tardis!!! Now I use it to traverse the globe in mere...
More About: Space , Time , Verses

Rumer Has It...
2007-09-28 21:55:00
I say! Since when did I become Hollywood's favorite escort? I was in the middle of a particularly vicious verb conjugation exercise Wednesday night when I received a frazzled phone call from the world's favorite fugly, Rumer Willis. It seems she had woken up from a robuttussin and blondisima fuelled night only to realize she had no one to grace her arm for the next night's festivities. I hesitatingly accepted her invitation. With Rumer, one is never sure where they will be dragged: the grand opening of the new In-And-Out in El Segundo or the table nearest the toilet at Les Deux. Always a grab bag.To tell you the truth I have no idea where we ended up as I spent the whole time in the bathroom trying to pull my newly blonde mop from my head, strand by strand. Rumer, it seems, loves to match her date. I gave her Jay Leno's number, perhaps they would like to touch chins across the table at Cut.Now blonde and balding,Mittingtons

My New Look
2007-09-25 23:03:00
My dear old chums, I know you have become enamored with my sublime way of dress, but lately my fashion choices have been making my slightly despondent. A tweed blazer again? Why not just stab me in the eye with a dirty syringe!?! And so it was just my luck this weekend that I happened across the photos from the new Sex and the City shoot. A new look was born! (that glowing mane is courtesy of Paris Hilton's new line of hair extensions and the deft weaving work of Rubio my Ecuadorian hair guru).Hoping the honking hibiscus will score me an influx of brunch invites,Horace
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Kiefer's DUI makes Fox Frantic!
2007-09-25 22:45:00
Deary Me! When the LAPD spied someone making an illegal u-turn late last night they were positive it was Britney Spears. Imagine their surprise when the tinted window rolled down to reveal Jack Bauer himself! Hopefully, for all involved, he was not panty-less.As a result, yours truly, Mr. Mittingtons the third, received a frantic phone call from Fox execs this morning. Seems the network is worried about its smash hit 24 suffering the blow of what is Mr. Sutherland's 4th DUI charge. I say! If I am not chosen for the part of Jack Bauer I may just move back to L.A. and open a cab company. Obviously there is no competition!3:42 pmLycee Francaise Computer LabSpecial Operative Mittingtons
More About: Kiefer

Lycee Installs Special Side Door for Mittingtons!
2007-09-25 20:04:00
Egad, those prying pappys are at it again. Their desperate daily storming of the Lycee Francais has ruffled quite a few feathers on the Upper East Side . In an effort to stave off the press, mon ecole has installed a special door just for yours truly! It even has the benefit of being located in the back alley where a nearby Sbarros illegally dumps its left over dough balls. The pre-school rat buffet is simply marvelous, although I have been forced to carry my own selection of condiments in my school satchel. I draw the line at three-day-old garlic sauce.Ah mon amis! Mon tete simply swells with knowledge at this venerable institution. And all this time I thought I loathed the French but for their baking!Au Revoir and AdieuMonsieur Mittingtons
More About: Special , Door

Mittingtons Mourns Marcel Marceau
2007-09-24 22:51:00
May I please request a moment of silence for the master of eternal silence, Marcel Marceau. I don't think I've ever told you about my days on the miming circuit. I say! The world of quiet clownery is a cutthroat enterprise. You really have to watch your back or the competition will sneak up behind you and encase you in an invisible box making one's masterful miming appear as classless clown cliche!Marcel was different. Marcel was all about camaraderie amongst busking buffoons. He could never quite understand why even mimes abhor mimes.God Bless.

Mr. Mittingtons Attendez L'Ecole!
2007-09-21 07:10:00
Bonjour mes amis et mon old chaps! Ah yes, it has been a harrowing summer vacation indeed. A non-stop "shit show" as the young people call it. I mean really!!! Who in their right mind plans a yachting trip with a cat?!? And then it was yours truly who got the beats when he almost clawed Zahara's eyes out when she tried to insist he go inner-tubing off the side of the boat. In a bonnet no less!Never fear old chums! Mumsies dropped me off at the prestigious Lycee Francais in Manhattan yesterday. I have never been so happy, encased within the gleaming walls of academia! It is sure to be a glorious year!Au Revoir,Horace Mittingtons le Third

Mr. Mittingtons Returns... tomorrow!
2007-07-05 19:49:00
Old Chaps and Chums! It is I, Horace Mittingtons! I am right sorry about the lack of gossip blowing through this blog of late! You see, Mumsies, ever worried I might be corrupted by the media, has locked me in a sensory deprivation tank for most of the week. I say! Actually, I can't say, or see, or hear or anything. I have delivered this particular message by tapping morse code on the side of the tank with one outstretched claw... luckily, my dear friend Mr. Pookingtons was by my side and able to transcribe.Woof to you all,Mr. Pookingtons
More About: Tomorrow , Morrow , Tomo

I Wanna Zig a Zig Ahhhhh!
2007-06-28 19:47:00
My absolute favorite gaggle of girls is back! Although not quite girls anymore, more like women in their twilight years... but try to see past the wrinkles. Yes the Spice Girls are going back on tour! I would be sitting front row from LA to Buenos Aires were it not for the phone call I received this morning. You see, Melanie Brown a.k.a. Scary Spice, is a little worried she might not be able to get Eddie Murphy to babysit! So I have been called in as her understudy! What a jolly good treat!Practicing my cartwheels,Horace Mittingtons the Third

Mittingtons Beats Lohan By A Whisker!
2007-06-27 20:22:00
My athletic prowess was seriously challenged yesterday by an unrecognizably healthy Lohan ! What you see here is a picture of the weekly Promises foot-race, to which I was invited for the benefit of the lurking paparazzi. True to her reputation, Lindsay played it mean. Before we even heard the starting gun she had somehow managed to tie my shoelaces together, not to mention the 6 times she tripped me, and her repeated literal ass kickings. Like I always say, concentration and patience win a race, and in the end it was I, Horace Mittingtons, who crossed the finish line first, earning an extra serving of mashed potatoes at dinner.Take that tubby!Horace
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Mittingtons Miffed By Min Magazine Placement!
2007-06-27 20:06:00
I must say, I was not even a little pleased to see that Suri Cruise somehow beat me to the top this week. Really! I will admit she is cute, but who would you rather cuddle? I find it irksome that I am suddenly counting my lucky stars that I even made it to the cover. What on earth has Tiger Woods' baby done? Does anyone even know its name? Its gender? I didn't think so. I just got off the phone with Kingston Rossdale, who til now has been a fore-runner of Hollywood cuteness. Let me tell you, he is more agitated than he was during last year's diaper rash fiasco.Composing my letter to the editor,Horace Jolie-Pitt
More About: Magazine

Nancy Grace Building Mini-Army of Self-Righteousness!
2007-06-26 16:29:00
Yes, the she-demon is pregnant. If you weren't convinced of her other-worldly, or rather under-worldly, status before, maybe twins at 47 will sway you. And I'm not convinced it's just twins either. Nancy Grace may be the first woman in history to purposefully try to conceive a litter. All part of an evil plot involving a hidden lair I'm sure of it.Shivering in my boots,Horace
More About: Building , Mini , Army , Nancy Grace

The Heiress Is Out Of The Bag!
2007-06-26 16:08:00
Forgive me old chums if I am a little weary this morning, I was up very late last night, helping escort everyone's favorite inmate out of jail. Yes, she is out, as if you didn't know that already. I think the celebrity world must have felt a little darker last night, most every flashbulb and pappy poised for the money shot outside of Lynwood and her home. So put away your Free Paris paraphernalia, or better yet, cross out Paris and write Tom Sizemore as he will be trying his damnedest to plead down his 16 month sentence today.Thinking I look mighty handsome in uniform,Horace Mittingtons the Third
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Lack Of Gossip Sends Mittingtons Into Boredom Coma!
2007-06-25 19:54:00
My Word! I just woke up in County General after falling into a boredom induced coma! I have little recollection of the incident, except to note that the majority of trouble makers are still locked up, be it in rehab or prison, and everyone else's Hanky Pankys seemed to stay firmly in place this weekend. There is nary a soul creating havoc in Africa, no lusty men commiting statutory rape ( Colin Farrell's new one is young, but at least 4 years past jail bait), and not a single soused starlet has even broken a nail in a DUI for days!Egad! What is the world coming to?Horace Mittingtons the Third
More About: Gossip , Boredom , Lack

Larry King's Old Age Hunch Means He Doesn't Have To Stoop Too Far...
2007-06-25 19:25:00
While Mums and Pops were spotted loitering outside of the Guggenheim in Bilbao this weekend, guess where I was? Why, dressed in a bonnet and being mercilessly pushed around in a pram by Zahara of course! I say! These people have a seemingly endless capacity to demean me!On to more important news, someone has finally deigned to risk prison flu and interview the heiress herself. She is released tomorrow, so obviously every celeb-sploitation outlet in town was scrambling for the rights. Barbara Walters publicly declared the interview was beneath her. Lucklily for us, Larry King has hobbled up to the plate. Wednesday Night, be there or be forced to read about it on every blog in the universe and watch it in pieces on You Tube.The above photo is from my as yet un-aired interview with the master. I do believe it was bumped because Jermajesty Jackson got his head stuck in a steering wheel, or some other such important news.Too bad, the juicy tidbits were fascinating, as was King's contain...
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Maybe She Wouldn't Have Beaten Chachi Up!
2007-06-21 20:08:00
I say! TMZ is reporting today that Liza Minelli and Scott Baio had a love connection!?! Sources say that somewhere between banging Pamela Anderson and Heather Locklear, Scott Baio found time for the former Sally Bowles. Perhaps his one taste of perfection has left him ever hoping for more. I mean the man actually made the beast with two backs with Liza with a Z!Dumbfounded and Jealous,Horace Mittingtons
More About: Chachi

Pick Me! Pick Me!
2007-06-20 21:47:00
Hollywood Uber-stud Scott Baio has a problem. He is looking for love in all the wrong places. And so, the kind folks at VH1 have offered him his own love-finding fiasco. I have read it has something to do with lots of life-coaching. I say! What a waste of time! I know one mighty fine pussy who is ready and waiting to settle down with the man behind both Chachi and Charles!Call me anytime Scotty Darling,Horace
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Mittingtons Hijacked By TomKat!
2007-06-20 21:26:00
Oh please! These Hollywood types treat me like a cheap callgirl they can simply rent out by the hour! In an effort to win back some public affection by seeming a little less creepy than usual, TomKat have taken to the very public shores of Cannes ( a few weeks late, no?). And they have enlisted yours truly, Horace Mittingtons the Third, to help pose in their family tableaus. I say! As if I didn't have enough on my plate. And will someone tell that ridiculous man that I don't like swimming!?!? I am a cat for godsakes, not a selectively ignored adopted child!Sunburnt, but full of expensive Foie Gras and Chablis,Mr. Mittingtons

Sally Kirkland to Levitate Paris Outta Prison!
2007-06-20 21:10:00
Some of you might remember Sally Kirkland as an up and coming young actress in films such as The Way We Were and Anna. Alas, the ravages of Hollywood sun and surgical malpractice have turned the once beautiful actress into a crazy old coot. Add the fact that she is not just a member, but a reverend, of the personality cult and religious corporation Movement of Spiritual Inner Awareness, and what do you get? You get a woman who thinks Paris is hilariously brilliant and is willing to lead a protest to release her from jail. See here. I'm not sure where she found her protesters, although I'd hazard a guess that it wasn't at the gym...Hoping Sally Kirkland adds a fetish for cats to her crazy resume,Horace
More About: Prison , Ally

Angelina's Newest Tattoo!
2007-06-19 19:43:00
My adoring adoptress has added new ink to her growing collection! It was inked onto her body using a cat claw attached to a hammer by Filipino master tattooist Binky LaRue. I'm quite fond of it.... obviously. What do you think?
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Lohan Backs Out, Mittingtons Backs In!
2007-06-19 18:18:00
I was so rudely awoken from my slumber this morning by a frantic organizer from Pure Nightclub in Caesar's Palace. It seems Miss Lohan might actually have started taking her rehab seriously, deciding not to host a cocaine-fuelled douchebag-fest a few days after her release. Well, I say! Good for her! Unfortunately, someone needs to replace her as a host and it seems your's truly, Horace Mittingtons, is the Vegas go-to guy.Anxiously awaiting donning my best party frock,Horace

Mittingtons New Must Have Accessory!
2007-06-19 17:40:00
Egad! When did I become such a fashion trend? Miss Victoria Beckham was stopped by airport security trying to smuggle me on to a plane in her oversized tote! I'm all for travelling with Posh n' Becks, but you would think with their incomes they could afford to buy me a seat of my own! I do not take kindly to the underside of the seat in front or the overhead compartment thank you very much.Waiting for Mumsies to pick me up at LAX,Horace Mittingtons
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Prozac, Not Guns, Responsible For Columbine!
2007-06-19 17:04:00
Ah dearest friends, where would we be without the psychaitric advice of alien-worshipping, Kirstie Alley adoring movie stars? I say! According to John Travolta I should be roaming the halls of some high school wearing a trench coat and ready to put a cap in the grade eight science teacher! Travolta is claiming that it wasn't guns that were the problem in the recent school massacres, but rather antidepressants. A thesis straight from Thetan, yes, but one that obviously made Marilyn Manson's record company very happy. All this time I was misled to thinking that it was a lack of prozac that caused people to get so depressed and angry they decided to kill their frenemies, and themselves. As of today I am flushing my prozac down the toilet and starting a fresh new regime of self-medication and vitamins....Cleansed by Xenu,Horace Mittingtons
More About: Guns , Columbine

Julia Roberts Births Baby Boy!
2007-06-19 01:05:00
Cigars all round! Julia Roberts gave birth to a little itty baby boy today! Notice the resemblance to Danny Moder?
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