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The Fall and Fall of the Critic
2008-04-09 19:51:00
Artists have been leveling complaints about critics for years. (Was it not I who coined the declaration, "All theater critics' mothers suck cocks in hell!") But their days as the bastions of good taste are numbered. Check out Patrick Goldstein's thoughtful essay, "The End of the Critic ?," in yesterday's Los Angeles Times. Discuss.On the other end of the spectrum, fellow blogger Howard at Howard Who? penned an equally thoughtful post in defense of the art of criticism. Discuss.I, for one, shall be neutral on this subject. I have friends who are critics, and I love them despite the fact that their mothers suck cocks in hell.
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How Is It That I Wield So Much Power Over Popular Culture?
2008-04-08 19:59:00
Rachel, who is a fancy Broadway producer, sent me a desperate text message the other day that read: "Do you have a few moments where I can pick your brain re: casting? Your knowledge of boy bands is needed!" Apparently, a major star is ending his run in a popular Broadway musical, and Rachel is looking for someone of his caliber to replace him?preferably a boy band member with some name recognition. I, of course, was her first choice as the go-to authority on boy band celebrities and other pop stars who may be ready to cross over into Broadway.We spent quite a bit of time evaluating boy band members and solo pop singers to gauge their level of popularity, their potential interest in Broadway, and, of course, their hotness. Knowing that the NKOTB will be busy with their reunion tour and album, I had to help Rachel come up with a viable list of alternatives, while slyly slipping in some of my personal favorites.So, if months down the line you're shocked by an announcement that some T...
More About: Power , Culture , Theater , Popular , Popular Culture

Bike-Curious
2008-04-08 09:24:00
The Brits apparently do not want to be outdone by Americans who have sex with picnic tables. Yup, Scotland has raised the stakes in the Game of Crazy by fucking bicycles:A man has been placed on the sex offenders' register after being caught trying to have sex with a bicycle. [The man] was discovered in his room by two cleaners at the Aberley House Hostel in Ayr, south west Scotland, in October last year....[Depute fiscal Gail Davidson] said: "They knocked on the door several times and there was no reply. "They used a master key to unlock the door and they then observed the accused wearing only a white T-shirt, naked from the waist down. "The accused was holding the bike and moving his hips back and forth as if to simulate sex."Look, folks, I've humped pillows as much as the next guy, but what is this worldwide interest in erotic encounters with inanimate objects? WHAT?! I Do Not Understand.[Thanks to Nicole at For Future Reference for posting this.]
More About: Curious , Bike

Mother and Child Reunion
2008-04-08 09:00:00
I wanted to be fully prepared for seeing Under the Same Moon (La Misma Luna), so I called up Brent and asked him if he wanted accompany me. "I need to go with a Hispanic," I told him?because sometimes you just do. (I mean, haven't you ever been at a fancy Thai restaurant and thought to yourself, "Man, this meal would be far better and more authentic if my token Thai friend were here with me!")If you can accept the fact that the movie's narrative is told in big, melodramatic, telenovela-sized brushstrokes, then you will certainly give into this story of a Mexican boy who crosses the border into America to find his mother. It's a road movie that wears its heart on its sleeve (thanks mostly to perhaps the most adorable child actor ever), and you would have to have a heart of stone not to get choked up multiple times during the course of the film, which culminates in an sly and unexpected ending.Sound like something you would enjoy? Well, grab a Mexican friend and go!
More About: Movies , Video Clips , Mother , Child , Reunion

A Hole Is a Hole
2008-04-07 19:28:00
I can't make this shit up, folks. This story comes from WTOL in Toledo:Police say a man in Bellevue was caught on tape having sex with a picnic table....The neighbor -- who wishes to remain anonymous -- saw [the man] walk out onto his deck, stand a round metal table on its side and use the hole for the umbrella to have sex.Now, I've always said, "A hole is a hole, and a mouth is a mouth." But I think I might just have to retract that.[Thanks to Scott Heim for sending me this.]
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I Have the Power!
2008-04-07 09:06:00
I always enjoy watching Mark Wahlberg revenge movies (e.g., Shooter, Four Brothers, etc.), but my friends overruled my DVD pick this evening, We Own the Night, and instead forced me to watch Blade: Trinity. I like vampire hunting as much as the next guy, but, when you're in the mood to watch Mark Wahlberg kick some serious man ass, there is no substitute.... Or so I thought.I was surprised to learn that Blade: Trinity features lingering shots of Ryan Reynolds half-naked in chains (sweaty, shirtless, and bloody) and a brief glimpse of his pubes when he pulls down his pants a bit to reveal the tattoo below his belly button.It all makes me marvel at the kind of world I live in. I mean, c'mon, folks, do I really live in a world where Ryan Reynolds will just randomly show up in movies half-naked in chains?! At what point in time exactly did all my masturbatory fantasies become manifest in the real world? How is it that I wield this power? And if I can make Blade: Trinity exist, I surel...
More About: Movies , Power , Horror , Video Clips

Weighing Pork Chop [Episode 008: The Missing Thing]
2008-04-07 07:14:00
Finally! The triumphant return of one of your favorite series of all time, Weighing Pork Chop! Enjoy:
More About: Episode , Video Clips , Missing , Thing

Sexy Bitches!
2008-04-05 09:03:00
I'm feeling rather sticky rice today because I just saw Lust, Caution, Ang Lee's espionage thriller that doubles as a strangely beguiling love story and that features some totally sexy bitches. No, I'm not talking about Joan Chen and that unknown lead actress who's been giving teenage boys boners. I'm talking about the two male leads?fine examples of Asian man meat at its mouth-watering best.We all know that Tony Leung is a sexy bitch?I mean, in normal circumstances he would be too old for my tastes, but there's no denying he's a stud (In the Mood for Love, Infernal Affairs, anyone?, anyone?). Yeah, I know when he throws that girl around in a fit of violent lust that I'm supposed to be shocked and frightened, but I couldn't help swoon a little?especially since Ang Lee is rather generous with lingering shots of Leung's naked sweaty body. And my god, there were sexual positions in that film that I don't think I've ever seen?even in porn.The other sexy bitch in Lust, Cautio...
More About: Movies , Video Clips , Sexy , Bitches

Arm Yourself With a Weed Whacker
2008-04-05 04:30:00
I didn't know much about the new horror movie, The Ruins, before going to see it this afternoon. All I knew was that a bunch of probably uninteresting American tourists were going to be terrorized by deadly creatures. And who doesn't enjoy watching that?Well, let me be the first to reveal to you that the film's deadly creatures are...killer plants! Wait, wait. Stop laughing. I'm not joking. The movie's young stars go head to head against...killer plants! No, no. Really. Stop laughing. I'm not making that up. The flowers and vines are pure evil! Yup, that's right. Our American heroes stumble upon ancient ruins that are overrun by...killer plants! All right. Stop laughing already.
More About: Movies , Horror , Weed

True, True, It's All True!
2008-04-04 19:34:00
The rumors of an NKOTB reunion were merely the stuff of unsubstantiated claims...UNTIL NOW:My panties are wet.
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Expressing a Little Bit of Man Love for Drell (AKA Drake Bell)
2008-04-04 04:18:00
I, of course, actively avoided Epic Movie, Date Movie, Meet the Spartans, and all those other lame-looking film parodies made for six-year-olds?but I just could not resist the pull of Superhero Movie. Why? Well, the film features Drake Bell, a Nickelodeon star who moonlights as an extremely talented musician who's like a throwback to the heyday of sunny 60s pop. Drake's songs make me happy because they're way catchy (as evidenced by his terrific sophomore effort, It's Only Time) and he is prone to singing thinly veiled odes to anal sex. The album's lead track, "Up Periscope," for example, boasts sweetly metaphorical lyrics such as this:Whoever said romance was overRoll overSo I can show youDon't you want me to be the captain of your submarineUp periscopeThat's what I sayThat's just my wayOf saying that I love you (I do)Yup. When you're done pounding her from the front, roll her over for some backdoor action!By no stretch of the imagination is Superhero Movie worth your mone...
More About: Movies , Music , Love , Hotness

Den of Tramps
2008-04-03 21:34:00
The better part of the last three months I've spent with Brandon Patton . That's 25% of the goddamn year, which must count for something. Vouchers maybe? Gift certificates? Something.So when I dropped him off at the airport at 5:00AM this morning, it really was sort of like a summer romance was ending. Aside from the glory of our Jukebox Stories shenanigans, Brandon is perhaps the only person in the world who not only willingly indulges me and my stories?Deal or No Deal, etc.?but also begs to watch upwards of four episodes of Celebrity Apprentice in a row with me at 2 in the morning. I mean, who does that?!I guess it's only natural to absorb some of the characteristics of your friends, especially if you spend so much time together, but obsessing over Celebrity Apprentice? Brandon Patton is a little piece of heaven!This must explain why I willingly let Brandon drag me to places like the Rainbow Bar and Grill on the Sunset Strip. He describes it as "a den of tramps," and he's right...

Cat Litter Cake
2008-04-02 20:04:00
You thought those penis cakes were tacky. How about this tranny-fabulous Cat Litter Cake ?! Yes, folks, it's a yummy treat that looks like a freshly dumped-in box of kitty litter! All it takes is some Nilla Wafers, Tootsie Rolls, frosting, and a hammer. Yes, I said "hammer."Statuesque Andrea James, who appears on the cable reality show Transamerican Love Story and pops up in the short film I'm in, Laundromat, shows you how to make this delicious dessert with a series of informative pictures. Enjoy it quick! It won't last long when your grubby little friends are over!
More About: Food

Rolling My Eyes "21" Times
2008-04-01 20:23:00
I haven't written about the movie 21 on this blog because that film figures prominently into the current incarnation of Jukebox Stories and I didn't want to give too much away. But other people are writing about my take on it, so let me direct your attention to Alan Goy's piece at Experiment Farm and Lily Tung's piece at ARTicles. I really should just post my story about 21 in its entirety, but some things have to remain special, right?As for Jim Sturgess...yeah, I'd tap that.
More About: Movies , Eyes , Times , Rolling

Crazy Good
2008-04-01 20:05:00
If there were any doubt about how all right the world really is, then Dolly Parton doing a cover of Fine Young Cannibals' "She Drives Me Crazy ," bluegrass style, is enough to renew your faith in humankind:Her new album, Backwoods Barbie, which was released a few weeks ago is pretty damn terrific, by the way. Does that make me gay?
More About: Music , Good

Gay Scientists Isolate Christian Gene
2008-04-01 19:53:00
[Thanks to Richard at Proceed at Your Own Risk for sending me this.]
More About: Christian , Video Clips , Scientists , Gene , Isolate

No Comment, Part 3
2008-04-01 19:48:00
And now I present to you number three in a continuing series:[Thanks, of course, to Peter from Plastic Bubble World for sending me this.]
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Get Your Damn Hands Off My Diet Coke!; or, Recapping Jukebox Stories 03.28.
2008-03-31 21:26:00
Prior to Saturday night's rockin' good performance of Jukebox Stories at Genghis Cohen in Los Angeles, a mother and her toddler were playing around on stage when I arrived to set up for the show. Having been traumatized all week from the spate of assorted baby magazines and ads that had somehow appeared in my mail, I was in a baby-hating mood and had to grit my teeth, play nice, and endure the little girl, who eventually put her germ-ridden baby hands on my bottle of Diet Coke and ran off with it like she had just found buried treasure and I was a rival pirate.The mother said that the girl was taking the Coke to her father, who was in the venue's main restaurant section, but that they would return it to me later. They did, and I had to disinfect the Diet Coke by rubbing it down with my shirt and using the power of my will.A few minutes later I discovered that the germ-ridden baby belonged to Adam Sandler who sauntered into the performance space to try to calm his restless child.A...
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Pick of the Day!
2008-03-28 22:22:00
A dear Bamboo Nation reader just alerted me to the fact that Jukebox Stories is today's Pick of the Day on LAist, the uber-cool Los Angeles entertainment blog. Maybe the cast of High School Musical will come? Maybe they'll let me stroke their thighs? Please?

Bun in My Oven
2008-03-28 19:10:00
OMG! I know why I've been sick.... I'M PREGNANT! I know that I'm pregnant because I've been receiving in my mail a steady stream of baby and parenting magazines, as well as baby catalogs and ads. Honestly, I don't know what the hell is going on!But, alas, pregnant men are all the rage these days. I'm not so special.
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The World's Very First Vegan...Strip Club
2008-03-27 19:31:00
This is unfuckingbelieveable. I love it:
More About: Food , Club , Vegan , Strip

Rave Review
2008-03-27 19:00:00
In order to avoid fading away into nonexistence or simply blending into the walls and being banished into self-imposed obscurity, I wore a stuffed monkey around my neck in the hope that people would initiate contact with me at the all-night, lock-in rave that Brandon somehow convinced me to attend last week.The rave was held at one of those hippie churches in San Francisco, where they had an opening ceremony that involved candle lighting and they chanted something about having a "beginner's mind." No alcohol was allowed, but the majority of the people there were high on something.People wanted to stroke my monkey, and that was fun for a while. But I'm no dancer, the hula-hoopers took up a lot of space, and the "cuddle room" seemed a bit ridiculous. I soon figured out that in order to fully enjoy the evening you either had to be on drugs (I wasn't, of course) or you had to pretend to be on drugs.Please make a note of it.
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Newspapers...Curious Things
2008-03-27 18:38:00
There's a cool interview with We Disappear's Scott Heim in today's San Francisco Chronicle, and the only reason I know that is because my Google Alert told me that I'm mentioned in it. Best article ever! Read it.
More About: Books , Newspapers , Curious , Things

A Note to Los Angeles Readers, Part 2
2008-03-27 05:02:00
For the love of Christ! If Brandon gets it wrong, I can assume some of you might get it wrong too. So:* The Friday, March 28, 2008, performance of Jukebox Stories in Los Angeles begins promptly at 8:00PM. However, the Saturday, March 29, 2008, performance begins at 7:30PM.* A block of advance tickets are available online. If online tickets sell out or the online box office closes, there is a block of tickets that will be available for purchase at the door on the night of the performance.See you there, my lovelies. Just for you, I have been shoveling vitamin C, garlic, juice, water, tea, eggs, rice, curry, green beans, and gummi candies into my body so that I will be in tip-top shape and horny as usual. Everything I've done I've done for you:
More About: Video Clips , Readers , Note , Part

Meh
2008-03-26 21:19:00
I hardly ever get sick, but when I do, man, I get it bad. I woke up yesterday and physically could not get out of bed. I could barely move. People think I caught something that's been going around, but I know full well that the Evil Illness Fairies flew into my room and injected me with sickness. The cock ring that I wear on a chain around my neck is supposed to ward off Evil Illness Fairies, but somehow they broke through.How bad is it? Well, I'm looking at my Zac Efron calendar, and I FEEL NOTHING. Especially in the area that I'm supposed to feel something.Nap time.

Boston, DC, Minneapolis, New York--Can I Get a "What What!"
2008-03-25 03:12:00
This entry is full of unsubstantiated rumors.Jukebox Stories toured to Boston and New York last year, and Brandon and I had such a great time that we're planning a triumphant return this June—with stories and songs so sexy that you're bound to cream your jeans. (Isn't that the true measure of artistic success, really?) So, Boston and New York, can I get a "hell yeah!"? I swear if you don't come to this show I will break into your house and hump your pillows.Because I'm feeling rather adventurous and a bit frisky, we're going to add two new cities to our 2008 tour, Minneapolis and Washington, DC—Minneapolis because I'm already going to be at the Asian American Theater Conference, and Washington, DC, because the best strip club experiences I have ever had have happened in our nation's capital.According to my blog stats, I have many readers in Florida, but I assume you're all retirees who never leave your nursing home—so Jukebox Stories, alas, will skip Florida. And so e...
More About: New-York

Hot!; Or, Recapping Jukebox Stories 03.20.08, 03.21.08, & 03.22.08 (Closing
2008-03-23 20:00:00
Wow. Just...wow.How about me firing rounds into the air crazily like an NRA member, using a fake gun and a bag full of those toys that pop when you throw them onto the ground?How about Brandon Patton surprising a pregnant woman with a lap dance after one show when we overhead her from backstage complain that we didn't fulfill our promise of giving pregnant women lap dances?...But my absolute favorite moment?How about that hot straight guy on closing night who let me grope and kiss various parts of his body for prizes (I like to call them "bi-curious rewards") and delivered onto my lips and into my mouth perhaps the hottest kiss I have ever had, which lasted an unusually long time and which made the audience go crazy. Ladies, track that guy and his tongue down?I guarantee you that he can make your vagina feel special. (And in order to reassert his masculinity, I bet he'll give it to you good!)Many thanks to our rockin' audiences, to people who showed up multiple times during our r...
More About: Jukebox , Stories

Did You Hear Me?!
2008-03-20 19:55:00
There was a piece of information in a previous post that people either missed because it was embedded in between parentheses or because it was so provocative that people thought I was kidding. Let me repeat: I'M GOING TO AN ALL-NIGHT, LOCK-IN RAVE ON FRIDAY. Me, a man who hates parties and is generally socially awkward (despite my online and onstage persona) is going to AN ALL-NIGHT, LOCK-IN RAVE. Apparently, it's very hard to get invited to this thing, and Brandon had to fight for exclusive invitations. Well, I've got one, and I'm going, and Brandon says that I need to go for the experience: "You need experiences. Otherwise, you'll run out of things to write about. You're going to end up blogging about blogging. 'The other day I was blogging...'."And maybe he's right. After all, I started this blog post by referencing another blog post. (But is that so wrong?)
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Yub Nub!
2008-03-19 08:54:00
I received an unprecedented number of e-mails after I sent a message to my e-list that declared: "It was in fact the Ewoks that made Return of the Jedi the BEST STAR WARS MOVIE EVER." Apparently, them's fightin' words. A sampling of replies:* It's just such a blatant, throw-down provocation. Ewoks blow. And you know it.* Oh, where to begin? *Shakes head sorrowfully.** Well, the Ewoks did take down the Imperial forces with "primitive" technology, which was pretty cool. But I suspect the only reason why you hold the Ewoks (and, subsequently, the whole movie) in such high esteem is that THEY WORSHIPPED A GAY ROBOT. And for that fact alone will you ignore any and all arguments against Return of the Jedi, so I will not try.But then an astute friend pointed out:Did you know that the Ewok language was in fact based on a dialect in the Philippines? So?it would make sense to me, your love of Ewoks, because of their inherent linguistic familiarity via pan-API connections.Yeah! That's it!...
More About: Movies

"Details," You Make Life Worth Living
2008-03-19 08:01:00
Details is quickly becoming one of the most spankable magazines on the newsstands. The March 2008 issue boasts Hayden Christensen on the cover and between its pages?handily erasing my troubled memories of Awake and Jumper and renewing my faith in the man who will father my children. Click on the following pics to engorge, er, I mean, enlarge: For the record, Details reports: "He's also, just as predictably, been the subject of speculation that he's gay. He's said on the record that he's not. He's also said he doesn't mind people's thinking he is. He knows they'll talk either way."Oh, yes, I'll talk all right, Mr. Christensen. And I'll keep on talking until you impregnate me?and like it!
More About: Life , Living , Hotness , Worth , Make