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Will the Other Prince Beat Me Up If I Show Up in His Hometown of Minneapoli
2008-03-18 08:02:00
Through no effort of my own, I somehow ended up slated to be a part of the 2nd Asian America n Theater Conference, which is taking place this June in Minneapolis. Within the past couple of weeks, I received unexpected e-mails telling me that I was being flown out to be a part of a panel on funny playwrights (apparently, I am a playwright, and I am funny) and to have a staged reading of a play of mine. I suppose I should not put out effort more often?more things would happen in my life.Since I'm going to be out there, Brandon thinks we should set up a Jukebox Stories gig. He can draw a few fans out that way, and I think I have a handful of Minnesota readers?is that true? Is it? Will you come see my show and spank my ass?! Will you?! Your comments here will determine if we have a big enough Minneapolis draw. Otherwise, I'm going to the movies instead.
More About: Show , Prince , Beat

Sushi Instead of CDs
2008-03-18 07:46:00
Scott Heim touched down in San Francisco today, and that bitch went to Amoeba Records without me! How can you deprive me the joy of standing over your shoulder impatiently during the second hour of you circling the bargain bin?!Instead, we had sushi with a friend of his, who happens to be an award-winning photographer?but they are photographs that you cannot show your mother and they are awards that your mother wouldn't even know existed. (Yes, it is what you think.)Scott reads from We Disappear Tuesday night at Books Inc. on Market Street. I'm there. If I can find a cape, that's what I'll be wearing.
More About: Sushi

Skin-Softening Savior?
2008-03-17 08:11:00
I took a little break from my San Francisco slumming by spending the weekend in the Berkeley area, sleeping over at Rica and Paul's house. They have a fluffy cat named Dougal, whom I petted so much that he tried to scratch the shit out of me and he actually drew blood. On my night stand, they placed English toffee and a bottle of bacon salt. And they have in their bathroom a container of Lush Charity Pot Hand and Body Lotion?the description on the container reads (I'm not kidding): "smooth, creamy, skin-softening cocoa butter and almond oil lotion with a scent that makes life worth living." Thank god that lotion was there because all week I was thinking to myself, "You know what? Life is not worth living. I wish there existed a hand lotion that would make me feel differently." Then, wah-la! Lush Charity Pot! (But seriously, folks, the lotion wasn't that good. It's just lotion, for Christ's sake.)I had a crapload of work to do this weekend, so I spent a lot of time at the People...
More About: Skin , Brandon Patton , Savior

A Note to Los Angeles Readers
2008-03-17 01:04:00
Before I start alerting the general public about the upcoming Los Angeles performances of Jukebox Stories (March 28 and 29, 2008), I wanted to make sure that dedicated Bamboo Nation readers in the L.A. area get the first stab at buying tickets. Genghis Cohen is one of the coolest venues in Southern California (theater, music, Chinese food, booze!), but it's tiny. They can maaaaaybe cram 60 people in the space, and we're only doing two shows. So buy your tickets online now for $12. (They're $16 at the door if there are any left.) I'm so excited about performing for longtime friends and readers I've never met. Come say hi after the show, and give me a good hard spank on the ass! I deserve it?I've been so naughty!
More About: Readers , Note

Look Out! Beer!; Or, Recapping Jukebox Stories 03.14.08 & 03.15.08
2008-03-16 23:14:00
Our Friday and Saturday shows were so awesome that they're both blending into one big orgy of theatrical entertainment in my mind. I must have been buzzed from my impromptu sip of beer the night before because I accidentally knocked over a glass of Guinness that shattered all over the stage near the beginning of last night's Case of the Creamy Foam. We sopped up and covered the mess with about a dozen adult diapers that we had handy. (Sometimes audience members are so excited that they actually crap their pants, and the diapers are a precautionary measure.)By the way, I wonder if that guy in the audience that I sexually harassed last night is reading this. Hey, Danny, can I stalk you on MySpace? Can I print out pictures of you from your MySpace profile and create a little shrine to you in a corner of my bedroom? I need something to look at during those late nights that I feel a tingly feeling in my vagina. I think I have permission from your girlfriend. I think. And even if I don...
More About: Jukebox , Stories , Beer

No Comment, Part 2
2008-03-15 22:12:00
[How does Peter from Plastic Bubble World of all people keep finding these Internet ads? You remember the first one, right?]
More About: Part , Comment

Making History; Or, Recapping Jukebox Stories 03.13.08
2008-03-15 22:03:00
I started to have a coughing fit during the finale of Thursday's performance of The Case of the Creamy Foam, so I reached for the nearest liquid?a tall glass of old beer.As many of you know, I don't drink because I can't stand the taste of alcohol. In the distant past, however, I have been drunk exactly twice in my life. The first time I got drunk, I had to be carried home by two people because I couldn't walk down sidewalk. The second time I got drunk, I ended up in a relationship for a year.So when I took a sip of that stale beer, it was a historic moment. The beer tasted like crap, but it allowed me to make it to the end of the show. Just 3,000 more sips, and I would've drunk dialed you.
More About: Jukebox , History , Stories

True Love Never Dies
2008-03-13 20:18:00
This item has been circulating and just landed in my inbox:Some years back, the two guys in this photo raised this baby lion in England, but they were forced to give it up by the authorities. I guess you can't have full-grown lions as pets. Imagine that! The guys took the lion to a wildlife sanctuary in Africa and said goodbye. When they returned one year later, they were told that the lion would not remember them. But this video clip (no sound) counters that:[Thanks to Peter V. at Plastic Bubble World for sending me this.]
More About: Love , Video Clips , True , True Love , Dies

Pork Chop IS NOT Fat; THESE Bitches Are Fat!
2008-03-13 18:41:00
This web page is further evidence that Pork Chop is a perfectly healthy size. Any extra pounds he has are made of sweetness and light and pure goodness?and those are necessary pounds. Love isn't weightless, bitches!
More About: Bitches , Pork Chop

The Man Behind the Men Behind the Art
2008-03-12 23:19:00
Our beloved Loren just finished directing a short documentary about these amazing graffiti artists in East L.A. (some of the best in the country) who created a beautiful mural using nothing but spray paint (it's unbelievable!), based on the movie La Misma Luna (Under the Same Moon). The doc is a fascinating look at the work, artistry, and detail that goes into painting a mural; an interesting look at the community in which it was created, where gangs tagged the wall in the mural's early stages; and a loving tribute to a movie about a Mexican boy who crosses the border to find his mom.If you've got 12 minutes to spare, this short is totally worth your time and unexpectedly moving?I love the mural's "reveal" at the end. Leave high ratings and/or comments on the doc's Fox Searchlight page (job security!):I don't know if you've noticed, but Loren has been leaving anonymous comments on this blog for weeks, such as "it might be nice if you wrote something nice about Loren once in a...
More About: Movies , Video Clips

Fight! Fight! Fight!
2008-03-12 20:00:00
I don't know what's more amusing: the fact that this news story is about nothing more than a broken elevator or the woman in the bathrobe or the super trying to defend the six-week repair time or the news anchor and reporter having a bitter on-air argument with each other. I vote for the argument. Man, those men hate each other:[Thanks to Steve Garland for sending me this.]
More About: Video Clips , Fight

I Never Learn
2008-03-11 08:54:00
Hayden Christensen had me the moment he started masturbating while simultaneously inhaling paint fumes from a plastic bag and hanging himself from a noose. (Once again, I am not kidding. See: Life as a House.) So despite the warnings of many friends, I went to see Jumper?simply because I was assured that there would be two scenes in which Mr. Christensen takes off his shirt. Well, he does indeed bare his chest (briefly), but, as for the movie, well, if only I had the power to jump from shirtless shot to shirtless shot, I would've been home hours ago to spank it. But now I'm too tired?when I shake my head in narrative disdain too much, it simply wears me out. Thank you, and good night.
More About: Movies , Learn

Stuff White People Like
2008-03-10 18:56:00
Stuff White People Like is a funny blog with countless gems. For example, at #1 is coffee:There is no doubt that white people love coffee. Yes, it's true that Asians like iced coffee and people of all races enjoy it. But I promise you that the first person at your school to drink coffee was a white person. You could kind of tell they didn't enjoy it, but they did it anyways until they liked it?like cigarettes.My favorite, of course, is yesterday's entry: #85, The Wire:For the past three years, whenever you say "The Wire" white people are required to respond by saying "it's the best show on television." Try it the next time you see a white person...! If you need to impress a white person, tell them you are from Baltimore. They will immediately ask you about The Wire and how accurate it is. You should confirm that it is "like a documentary of the streets," the white person will then slowly shake their head and say "man" or "wow." You will be seen in an entirely new light.Check it...
More About: Stuff , White People

I Still Miss You
2008-03-10 03:00:00
You guys, you don't know how hard of a time I'm having.[Addendum 03.09.08: This post is in reference to this.]
More About: Miss , Miss You

An Open Letter to That Straight Guy Who Lost the Opportunity to Kiss Me in
2008-03-10 02:29:00
Dear Ryan:Because of the barely averted horror of the previous evening, I decided that I needed to reaffirm my manhood on Saturday by picking on you throughout the night. And just when you thought you had forever escaped the discomfort of audience sexual harassment (my favorite activity in the theater), I've decided to continue picking on you in this public forum on the Internet. I have nothing better to do right now, and you are just too damn hot not to write about?those grab-able locks of curly brownish-blackish hair, those sexy glasses, that beautiful smile. You make me feel things in my vagina.You should feel good that I singled you out to kiss me on stage. I mean, did you see that audience last night? It was one of the most attractive audiences that Brandon and I have ever had the pleasure of performing for. We were both very distracted throughout the show?Brandon eyeing hot chicks (why do you think he had a guitar in front of his pants most of the time?) and me undressing vir...
More About: Lost , Kiss , Open , Opportunity , Letter

The Horror, the Horror!; Or, Recapping Jukebox Stories 03.07.08
2008-03-08 20:47:00
Last night, we declared that the first person to solve The Case of the Creamy Foam would win a fabulous Marie Antoinette action figure (with ejector head!) or the fabulous prize that was hidden in a shoebox or the fabulous prize that was hidden behind the recliner or fabulous kisses from me. The "kisses from me" thing was an impromptu offering that I blurted out accidentally because I had Prince Harry on my mind. I mean, when bloggers post shirtless pictures of Prince Harry in military fatigues, how am I supposed to think about anything else for two weeks?While a guy on the couch took home the action figure, a girl in the front row was deemed runner-up. When people started shouting for her to choose kisses as her prize, I felt like I had just been transported into a horror movie. I sprayed my mouth five times with my Listerine PocketMist and moistened my lips with Burt's Bees chap stick just in case. Fortunately, there is a god, and the girl chose the trilogy of Whitley Strieber'...
More About: Jukebox , Horror , Stories , Brandon Patton

Nerd, Part 2
2008-03-07 19:24:00
A couple years ago right here on this blog, we established that Brandon Patton is a nerd. Well, last night at the Albany Bowl, Brandon re-staked his claim to nerd-dom.The situation: Brandon looks at Cheshire's wedding ring (Cheshire is Impact Theatre's managing director) and carefully observes the strange characters on it.The conversation:BRANDON (sincerely): What is that? Are those Hobbit letters? (Pause.)CHESHIRE: It's Hebrew.I rest my case.
More About: Nerd , Part

Don't Put Broccoli in There; Or, Recapping Jukebox Stories 03.06.08
2008-03-07 18:17:00
There is a band from Spokane, Washington, called Paper Mache that's been on a nationwide tour and traveling around in a GM van that runs on vegetable oil. (I don't fully understand vegetable vans, but someone did inform me that those vehicles cannot run on broccoli, as I had previously assumed.) A couple weeks ago, their van broke down, and the dearth of vegetable van mechanics in the area have left part of Paper Mache stranded. The lead singer bravely forged ahead to do gigs solo by hitchhiking rides, leaving the guitarist and drummer waiting an unexpectedly long time for their van to be fixed and roaming the streets of Berkeley in a existential daze. (By the way, the photo you see here is nice and symbolic, as the stranded pair are in the background here.)Why else would the duo end up at the Jukebox Stories Open Mike Night on Wednesday to strum on two guitars with the drummer adopting vocal duties? Brandon and I were so blown away by the two's performance that we invited them m...
More About: Broccoli

That's Awfully Big of You, Part 2
2008-03-06 18:36:00
I just remembered that I saw a clip of Colin Farrell engaging in a hot man-on-man kiss from A Home at the End of the World. About one minute into this video, they snog. My work is done here:In my previous Colin Farrell post, someone asked about gaining access to the clips of the infamous sex tape. Unfortunately for her, I do not dish dirt on this blog so I cannot tell you where clips of that sex tape can be seen. Sorry. I am a man of the the highest integrity.
More About: Movies , Video Clips , Part

"Princess Leia and Prince Gomolvilas Do Some Deep Dishing"
2008-03-06 01:58:00
I retract my previous comment that we're not getting attention from the mainstream press. It just takes them a few weeks to catch up and write about us in relation to Star Wars royalty:Read the East Bay Express review.It boasts perhaps the best pullquote ever: "showmanship bordering on hucksterdom." When Jukebox Stories actually crosses over into hucksterdom, we will know that we have arrived.(Speaking of Star Wars, I love drawing the ire of my sci-fi nerd friends by insisting that Return of the Jedi is the best Star Wars movie because of those wonderful, heroic Ewoks. Yub-nub!)
More About: Princess , Deep , Prince , Prince Gomolvilas , Brandon Patton

That's Awfully Big of You
2008-03-05 19:48:00
The first movie starring Colin Farrell in a leading role that I ever saw was the Colin Farrell Sex Tape, which was readily available online a couple years back. (Yes, you can Google it, pervs!) Needless to say, I justifiably became an instant fan. I mean, c'mon, when he goes down on that woman and exclaims, "Breakfast, lunch, and motherfucking dinner right here!," it made my vagina feel things it had never felt before.I never did end up digging though Farrell's back catalog of movies, though. Perhaps I was wary of the prospect of seeing a Colin Farrell movie that didn't feature his penis as a supporting character.What a revelation Farrell was, then, in Woody Allen's Cassandra's Dream. Released earlier this year, it's a film that even this Woody Allen fan and staunch apologist thought was boring?but Farrell's piercing performance was something you just could not take your eyes off of. His character bubbled with desperation, guilt, and pathos?his core of common human decency co...
More About: Movies , Video Clips

Open for (Show) Business
2008-03-05 01:20:00
About a year ago on this very blog, I declared that "all open mikes are shitty." So it is with that philosophy that Brandon and I dive right into hosting not one but two Open Mike Nights (March 5 and 17) in the same space that we're performing Jukebox Stories: The Case of the Creamy Foam. We're counting on our own special songs and stories seamlessly inserted in between performers and we're also counting on the amazing hidden talent of the San Francisco Bay Area to ensure that our open mike is not shitty. Bring your A-game, people!In the meantime, let's revisit my open mike anxiety from last year:~~~~~Open Mike, Open AnxietyApril 5, 2007For weeks, Brandon had been calling me up and sending me emails to tell me about how we had to do a shitty open mike in Boston on April 27. All open mikes are shitty, so this is in no way a slight against the basement performance space of Roggie's Brew & Grille, where wide-eyed and earnest acoustic guitar singer/songwriters and disturbingly ...
More About: Business , Show , Brandon Patton

Spank It
2008-03-05 01:15:00
Our very own Donovan Keith just secured print representation in Los Angeles, and he made a happy dance video in celebration. I've already beat off to it three times:
More About: Video Clips

Bloggers Got "Foam" in Their Mouths
2008-03-05 00:57:00
Despite the fact that Jukebox Stories: The Case of the Creamy Foam has received little attention from the mainstream press, I do believe our attendance is up from last season (I knew all those lap dances would yield future returns) and people have been telling me that the show is funnier and even better and biting than the first (time does wonders in turning you more bitter at the world).I must express sincere thanks to the blogosphere, which has been keeping the buzz on the show healthy and consistent. So, thanks to the following fabulous bloggers (so far) who have seen the show and written about it (click on them to read more, oh, so much more, about Creamy Foam):Something Like a Chicken SandwichOur Intrepid HeroDirect Address (Tim Bauer)SophiaVariations on a Theme (Marisela Orta)Jeff GreenwaldBombshell BrandyMoose in the KitchenThe VolcanoAnd additional thanks to enthusiastic Yelp members!Keep 'em comin', folks!
More About: Bloggers

Men Touching Men; Or, Recapping Jukebox Stories 03.01.08
2008-03-02 19:48:00
As punishment for a missed sound cue during last night's performance of Jukebox Stories : The Case of the Creamy Foam, I pulled our tech guy, Read, onto stage and stroked various parts of his body for the audience's enjoyment. I later encouraged a straight guy in the audience to stroke my wrist tenderly. Both moments were wholly demeaning to me, of course, and you must realize the lengths I must go through to entertain the public. I suffer for my art.I must add, however, that Read is "barely legal," which, as you know, are my two favorite words in the English language. Rachel (co-star of my story about Maury Povich) once pointed out to me that "barely" and "legal" as individual words don't amount to much but when put together have such a lovely ring.We also got to celebrate Rica's birthday?chocolate cake for her and brownie bites for the rest of the audience?and I got to tell my favorite story about Rica. I was staying at her house one time, and while perusing her bookshelf I cam...

Pizza!; Or, Recapping Jukebox Stories 02.29.08
2008-03-01 23:13:00
After last night's performance of Jukebox Stories : The Case of the Creamy Foam (where Brandon generously gave a random guy I pointed to a lap dance), a bunch of us went to Jupiter on Shattuck Avenue in Berkeley. I had a pizza that was almost as good as self-fellatio. (Almost.) It's called the Apollo, and it features sun-dried tomatoes, fresh spinach, garlic, feta, mozzarella, and marinara sauce?an amazing combination that was, for lack of a better term, a culinary explosion in my mouth.Everybody else got drunk.
More About: Food , Pizza

Throw Junk Food at It; Or, Recapping Jukebox Stories 02.28.08
2008-03-01 10:52:00
During certain performances of Jukebox Stories : The Case of the Creamy Foam, Brandon makes me eat food. (I won't reveal what food, as not to ruin the show for people who have not yet gone.) On Thursday night, I did what I was told, not really paying attention to the fact that the aforementioned food had been sitting around for three weeks. Afterward, my stomach hurt. Not a "poo" kind of hurt, but an "ache" kind of hurt. (I do believe that is the first time in the history of Bamboo Nation that I have typed the word "poo.")However, my stomach quickly settled after we went to The Pub on Solano Avenue in Albany, where I consumed ginger ale, apple cider, salt and vinegar chips, honey dijon chips, a chocolate peanut butter cookie, and a 99-cent cherry pie from 7-11. That's how you cure a common stomachache.I should get stomachaches more often.
More About: Food , Throw , Junk

Seriously...WTF?!
2008-02-29 20:29:00
My first two weeks in San Francisco yielded my first two parking tickets since this trip, which isn't a bad average. I started to panic last week when I saw what I thought was a third ticket underneath my windshield wiper. However, it was not a ticket. It was a photograph of a television screen that was playing a VHS copy of Young Guns, with Emilio Estevez in the center of the frame. This, my friends, is the WTF?! of the month. I don't know if I should be relieved that I didn't get ticketed or creeped out that someone is leaving pictures of Emilio Estevez on my car.

Korean Baby Sings "Hey, Jude"
2008-02-28 20:52:00
Thanks, kid, for taking the Overachieving Asian stereotype to its absurd extreme:[Thanks to Peter V. of Plastic Bubble World for sending me this.]
More About: Baby , Video Clips , Korean , Jude , Sings

The Pleasure of Your Vote Is Requested
2008-02-28 04:01:00
Maybe you're one of my two friends who actually laughs at New Yorker cartoons; maybe you're not. But that doesn't change the fact that fellow blogger and playwright Tim Bauer needs your vote. The New Yorker has a cartoon caption contest every issue. The magazine provides a drawing, and readers submit a caption. Tim is one of three finalists, and, if he wins, he claims that it "will likely be the only time my work is published in the New Yorker."Vote for his caption here. You have until this Sunday, March 2, 2008, to do so. DO IT NOW.(It is very likely that Gabriel and Jonny are rolling around on the floor laughing hysterically by now.)
More About: Pleasure