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Required Reading
2008-02-08 21:46:00
Monologist Mike Daisey must be applauded for his deeply unsettling and deeply sad essay, "The Empty Spaces; Or, How Theater Failed America." This is required reading for anyone involved in American theater. He manages to organize what theater people have known for years into a clear and concise analysis of the current state of the industry, which alternately sounds like a manifesto, a call to action, and a eulogy.[Thanks to Isaac at Parabasis for posting this.]
More About: Reading

More on Sports
2008-02-08 19:42:00
Speaking of football, let's revisit a previous blog entry that details my early relationship to the sport. Shall we reminisce?~~~~~Maybe Sports Will Make Him Not GayJuly 29, 2006My mom...enrolled me in a sports league during my middle school years, where we played soccer, baseball, and football. FOOTBALL. Not touch football. But TACKLE FOOTBALL. Christ. LOOK AT ME. I WEIGH 50 POUNDS. This was perhaps a subconscious preemptive strike against any possible sexual deviance that may have been lying dormant inside me, just waiting to spring forward ferociously. Like a crack whore down at the bowery.I remember getting tackled a lot. But my greatest and most painful injury was during football practice when some kid gave be a head butt (was his name Zidane?), which resulted in a bump on my forehead that swelled to the size of a Third World nation.

I Hope She Never Finds This Blog
2008-02-08 19:28:00
You will understand why my sister is an endless source of entertainment when you listen to "My Sister's MySpace Profile," one of the two free tracks now available on the Impact Theatre website for a limited time. As some of you know, that particular piece required absolutely no creativity on my part. All Brandon and I do is read my sister's actual MySpace profile word for word. It's amazing.The other free track is Brandon's funny, moving, and epic "Mixed-Up Modern Family," which will convince those of you who don't already know that he is a genius.Both tracks are from our upcoming CD, Jukebox Stories: The Official Bootleg.Listen now because I am seriously going to ask them to take that first track down soon for fear of familial retaliation.
More About: Blog , Hope , Brandon Patton

Google Is Very Helpful
2008-02-08 18:55:00
Tom......versus Eli.I know Eli won the Super Bowl and everything and he is indeed as HOT as Tom is, but doesn't Tom look like he can kick Eli's ass with one hand tied behind his back and blindfolded?...Last night I had a dream that I was sandwich meat. (See above photos for clues about the bread.)
More About: Google

Football or No Football?
2008-02-07 09:18:00
I almost watched the Super Bowl. But it didn't happen. I mean, c'mon, I know Rent word for word?me watching football would be a contradiction in logic.Brandon kept planting Super Bowl seeds in my mind all last week, in the hope that I would watch the game with him. His attempts at persuasion culminated on Saturday, when we happened to see a rerun of Saturday Night Live, hosted by Patriots quarterback Tom Brady. It was clear that he was out of his element, but his enthusiasm and charm made up for his lack of polish. Oh?and he's a HOT PIECE OF ASS. Brandon thought this fact alone would be enough for me to spend Super Bowl Sunday with him, but, alas, I spent the day typing "Tom Brady shirtless" into Google and clicking the afternoon away.A couple days later, I stumbled across a picture of Giants quarterback Eli Manning, and he's a HOT PIECE OF ASS too.Football games would be easy on the eyes if they didn't have to wear helmets. Or clothing.

Prizes Galore
2008-02-06 20:02:00
A quick note to say you still have until this Friday, February 8, 2008, 11:59PM, to enter Bamboo Nation's latest contest, in which people are vying for $100 worth of Amazon gift certificates. I bet you can even buy a Chinese baby on Amazon!
More About: Contests , Prizes , Galore

Absolutely Shocking
2008-02-06 19:45:00
ScholarPoint, the company that was savvy enough to declare me the winner of their video contest, just posted a short interview they did with me online, in which I reveal some shocking secrets. Read all about them by clicking here. ("Starving artist?" Ha, ha, hardly. It's all a part of the illusion of cinema! But I'll run with that label. I like labels. Call me "queerific," and I won't flinch one bit.)

The Odds of Nerdiness
2008-02-04 19:36:00
Since Brandon arrived in California last week, this apartment has been a hotbed of creativity. We've spent long days hashing out the concept and structure of Jukebox Stories: The Case of the Creamy Foam, creating and rehearsing new material, and exacting demands upon the Impact Theatre staff, like police "caution" tape, fluffers, and lube. (I'd be happy with one out of three.)Our creative streaks do, however, sometimes spiral into lengthy periods of nonsense. Through divine providence, my weekly obsession with Deal or No Deal has rubbed off on Brandon, who finds the show fun and suspenseful. So intrigued by the mathematical probabilities involved in eliminating suitcases and fluctuating banker offers, he stayed up until about 4AM a few nights ago, trying to figure out the Deal or No Deal "formula" by punching numbers on a calculator while playing the game online and while reading thorough Internet forum postings by math students. (He reached the conclusion that banker offers follo...
More About: Television , Odds , Brandon Patton

"If You Can Sit, You Can Get Fit!"
2008-02-03 19:58:00
You know, I was sitting around the other day and thought to myself, "I wish someone would invent something that would allow me to exercise and work on my abs without me having to do, well, anything." Guess what? Wishes do sometimes come true. I swear this infomercial clip is real:[Thanks to Scott Heim for e-mailing me this.]
More About: Video Clips

New Contest! Win One of Four Phat Amazon Gift Certificates!
2008-02-01 18:31:00
In an effort to spread my recent good fortune and as a "thanks" to you for reading Bamboo Nation, this week's contest features four amazing prizes! I'm giving away phat Amazon .com gift certificates in four phat denominations: $50, $25, $15, and $10. That's right! You have a reasonable shot at winning Amazon bucks to spend any way you want. Brandon was surprised to learn that the site sells more than books and music. You can buy electronics, toys, clothes, tools, and?here's the clincher?even lube!Ready to play?You know how much I love my hair. Well, I currently have three styling products in my bathroom right now. The three different brands are: American Crew, got2b, and Short Sexy Hair. What you need to do is guess which specific types of product I use under each brand category. Here are the rules:* Go to this American Crew product page. Choose the item you think is in my bathroom.* Go to this got2b product page. Choose the item you think is in my bathroom.* Go to this Short Sex...
More About: Contest , Contests , Gift , Certificates

Contest Winner! Prince's Favorite Cereal Revealed!
2008-02-01 09:35:00
Congratulations to "Blau," the winner of Bamboo Nation's latest contest! "Blau" submitted the very first guess as to what my favorite cereal is, and that guess was absolutely correct. I eat Kellogg's Special K Red Berries cereal almost every morning, and it's a veritable explosion of flavor in my mouth with its crispy rice and wheat flakes and slices of real strawberries."Blau," e-mail me your mailing address, and a brand-new copy of Cosmo's Aqua Kama Sutra will be on its way to you quickly so that you can get down and dirty and wet.Thanks for all the other entries, folks. And stay tuned.... The BIGGEST Bamboo Nation contest yet will be announced very soon!
More About: Contest , Contests , Winner , Favorite , Cereal

Listen to Me!
2008-02-01 04:37:00
I've mingled with frighteningly enthusiastic teenage standup comedians in Boston, confused college students in Rhode Island, and horny patrons in San Francisco, but, even though Jukebox Stories has breezed through a number of cities in the United States, it's very likely that you've never had an opportunity to see us and heckle us and beg us for lap dances.So for the benefit of Bamboo Nation readers throughout the world, Brandon and I will soon be releasing a CD called Jukebox Stories: The Official Bootleg, which compiles the best pieces?live and in studio?from our first full-length show in 2006 and 2007! And existing fans will surely want this souvenir that will include now-classic stories such as "What My Sister's Breast Implants Have to Do With Golf" and "My Sister's MySpace Profile" (which really isn't a story, just me and Brandon reciting my sister's actual MySpace profile verbatim) and now-infamous songs such as "Mixed-Up Modern Family" and, yes, "Munching the Cooch" (w...
More About: Theater , Listen

I Won! I Won! I Won I Won I Won!
2008-01-31 19:21:00
Remember that ScholarPoint video contest I entered, the one about student loans? Well, I must express my sincere thanks to everybody who watched my video (thereby upping my view count), rated it (thereby increasing my star ranking), and, especially, left a comment (thereby propelling me into the final round)?because I just won the grand prize of $5,000!When I found out, I cried tears of triumph and practically crapped my pants in excitement. I mean, all I had was a cheap still camera that happened to take video, a crew of one (me), and the editing program that came with Windows. And because of my mad genius (or, at the very least, brazen enthusiasm and streak of frightening opportunism), ScholarPoint is overnighting me a check today.Regardless of your involvement with my video, I've found a way to reward my Bamboo Nation readers because you all give me a daily dose of encouragement in sundry ways?encouragement that has built to a point in which I feel can do things like pull down m...

A Phone Call Today
2008-01-31 03:21:00
WOMAN: Hello. How may I help you?PRINCE: Hi. I keep getting calls from this number, and I don't know why.WOMAN: This is Baby to Bee. What's your phone number?PRINCE: [Gives number.]WOMAN: Oh, you signed up on our website, and we were checking to see if you wanted to get free items for your newborn.PRINCE: I don't have a newborn.WOMAN: You don't have a baby?PRINCE: I don't have a baby.WOMAN: Did you sign up on our website?PRINCE: No. I don't have a baby. I've never had a baby. And I will never ever have a baby.WOMAN: Well, don't say that.PRINCE: Ever.WOMAN: Okay then.PRINCE: Could you take me off your list?WOMAN: Sure.PRINCE: Thanks.
More About: Phone , Today , Call , Phone call

Musicians Can Admire Neatness Too
2008-01-29 18:50:00
Jukebox Stories: The Case of the Creamy Foam doesn't open for another couple of weeks, but Brandon flies into town tonight, which means I have to clean the apartment (so he can eat off the floor), do some laundry (fresh towels would be kind), take out the trash (the kitchen is like a swamp pit), and change the sheets on the bed he'll be sleeping in (who knows what kind of man juices are soaked into the current sheets?). I know Brandon doesn't care about such niceties (he is, after all, a musician), but I feel the house should be somewhat presentable.Since he'll be sleeping in my office space, the Zac Efron calendar will be staring him down when he goes to bed at night?which means, for him, I should make sure there's a bucket on the night stand in case he wants to throw up. You see, guys who write tender love ballads called "Munching the Cooch" and make breakup albums about girls cannot even come close to understanding the fine art of manppreciation.
More About: Musicians , Brandon Patton , Admire

Glory, Glory, Hallelujah!
2008-01-28 18:23:00
My panties are all wet just thinking about their comeback.[Thanks to Jeff W. for alerting me to this.]
More About: Music , Hallelujah , Glory

As If Dropping the Soap Is a BAD Thing
2008-01-28 18:06:00
The son of the governor of Kansas has created a board game called Don't Drop the Soap . From the website:Fight your way through 6 different exciting locations in hopes of being granted parole. Escape prison riots in The Yard, slip glass into a mob boss' lasagna in the Cafeteria, steal painkillers from the nurse's desk in the Infirmary, avoid being cornered by the Aryans in the Shower Room, fight off Latin Kings in Gang War, and try not to smoke your entire stash in The Hole. The artistry of each handcrafted piece is matched with comparable humor & intelligence on every card. Stack your smokes, sharpen your shank, and get ready for an experience that only someone on the outside could appreciate.Funny? Offensive? Mind-bogglingly neutral? You decide.
More About: Thing

Fucking Amazing
2008-01-28 05:16:00
After seeing Persepolis this afternoon at the theater, I had to lock myself in a restroom stall for about three minutes so I could cry. Man, this movie really wrecked me emotionally. It also happens to be very funny and visually stunning, with many animated images that are indescribably beautiful. Who knew a film about growing up in war-torn Iran could be this highly original, imaginative, and filled with eye candy?Based on Marjane Satrapi's autobiographical graphic novels, one of the many things this multi-layered film explores is what it means to forgo one's national identity, and when you discover that our heroine in the movie and in real life...[BEGIN POSSIBLE SPOILER]...eventually ended up in self-imposed exile in France...[END POSSIBLE SPOILER]...it's absolutely heartbreaking. I think the reason the movie resonated so deeply with me is because I am a child of immigrants. In fact, I think anybody who claims minority status in any country can identify strongly with Satrapi's...
More About: Movies , Video Clips , Amazing , Fucking

Old Ladies Like Torture Too
2008-01-27 19:53:00
I'm not sure what the demographic is (and I'm too lazy to find out) of those TV crime procedurals like CSI and Law & Order, but I'm going to guess that it's a bunch of old ladies. My late grandmother watched these, as does my mom, so I'm pretty sure my guess is a good one.Untraceable is a serviceable thriller (the trailer moves way faster than the movie does) that unfolds like, say, an episode of NCIS, but it includes scenes of torture (a man blisters and burns to death under heat lamps, etc.) that give the film its "R" rating?which means that old ladies must like torture too, not just those young kids who've made the Saw franchise so successful.The twisted psycho in Untraceable tortures victims and streams his antics live online. The more people visit his website to watch, the faster the victim dies. The film gives a sort of pedestrian commentary about cyber culture and our delight in the suffering of others (after all, we bought a ticket to Untraceable, didn't we?).The ...
More About: Movies , Video Clips , Torture , Ladies

Warning: Audience Participation Makes Your Nose Bleed
2008-01-25 18:54:00
Read my latest blog post over at Impact Theatre's Splatter blog. Please. And thank you. Go there now.
More About: Theater , Participation , Warning , Nose , Bleed

New Contest! Guess Prince's Favorite Cereal, and Win a Sexy Book!
2008-01-25 09:10:00
I eat the same kind of cereal almost every morning, and I pour vanilla flavored soy milk over it for an explosion of deliciousness. You see, I like to give my mouth pleasure right when I wake up....No, but seriously, folks.... If you can correctly guess my actual cereal of choice, you can win Cosmo's Aqua Kama Sutra, a book which features 25 sex positions for the tub, shower, pool, and more! Not only does the book contain handy drawings, it's also 100% waterproof, which means you can use it while you're getting your ass tapped in ocean.I know there are a countless number of cereals, so I'm going to narrow it down for you. I eat a Kellogg's brand cereal. Go to this page, click on "cereal" in the left-hand column, and you'll see a list appear on the right. But wait! It's not that easy. Most of the cereals listed have more than one variety. (You can access those subcategories by clicking on the name.) You must guess the specific variety of cereal that I eat almost every day.Anyo...
More About: Contest , Contests , Book , Sexy , Guess

No Babies! No Puppies! No No No!
2008-01-24 22:29:00
I'm guest posting on the Impact Theatre blog, so go over there right now to read about how babies and puppies are in danger as long as I'm around.[Comments closed here; comment there.]
More About: Babies , Theater , Puppies

Revisiting Linda Brady: Where the Hell Are You?!
2008-01-24 20:00:00
Brandon is always trying to get me to listen to vagina music, and the occasional Dar Williams song will strike my fancy, much to my own chagrin. But, in actuality, I'm not theoretically opposed to vagina music as much as you think.In the mid-1990s I saw a singer/songwriter named Linda Brady open for my favorite musician of all time, John Wesley Harding. Accompanied only by her acoustic guitar, she had a lovely voice, and her songs were alternately biting, sweet, bitter, and hopeful. She had girl power when she wanted to, but could just as easily collapse like a wounded bird. And those songs were damn catchy.Her 1993 self-titled debut album is indeed one of my all-time favorites. Alas, she never released another album, and she sort of disappeared off the face of the earth. You all know how adept I am at stalking people online, but, seriously, I cannot find out anything about what happened to Linda Brady. Did she leave the country? Retire? Get sucked into an alternate dimension?Her a...
More About: Music , Hell

Contest Winner! Prince's Haircut Cost Revealed!
2008-01-24 09:07:00
And the winner of Bamboo Nation's latest contest is "The New Me," who blogs over at Coyote Tales, and I hope he craps his pants in excitement because I know how much he likes that. (Or did I misinterpret his comment? "You, Prince, as you get older, will one day also understand that the notion of crapping ones pants is not necessarily a draw for us seniors.")When I lived in the Castro District of San Francisco, I couldn't get a decent haircut for under $40. But now that I'm in Glendale, the cost of living is lower, and a high-end haircut runs me exactly $29. "The New Me" was just one dollar off with a guess of 30 bucks.Congratulations! E-mail me your mailing address, and I will send you the grand prize: that freaking amazing 2008 Pop-Up Ancient Egypt Calendar!Thanks for entering, everyone. A new contest is on the way soon.
More About: Contest , Contests , Cost , Winner , Haircut

Stowaway Kitty
2008-01-23 18:50:00
Not many news stories make me cry, but, upon hearing about 10-month-old Gracie Mae's crazy Goonie adventures, I had to fight back tears:Some kitty math: How many lives did little tabby Gracie Mae use up when she crawled into her owner's suitcase, went through an airport X-ray machine, got loaded onto a plane, thrown onto a baggage belt and mistakenly picked up by a stranger far from home?"She's got to be at four or five now," Seth Levy said after his 10-month-old pet was returned Sunday night by a kind stranger who went home to Fort Worth, Texas, with the wrong bag and Gracie inside to boot....The tabby made the 1,300-mile trip home on an $80 plane ticket.[Thanks to Ellen and Superbadfriend for sending me this and also drawing parallels to my Pork Chop's suitcase adventures and his subsequent return. And how did Pork Chop's Mexican Hat Dance rack up more than 7,000 views?! You people crazy!]
More About: Kitty

Scandalous!
2008-01-22 20:31:00
Don't you love it when nature writers tirelessly research and pen articles about, say, black-footed ferrets only to find years later that their words have been lifted verbatim and used in romance paperbacks like, say, Shadow Bear? It happened.Aside from the above link to the Newsweek.com story, the nature writer in question (Paul Tolme) also talks (rather amusingly) about "2008's sexiest plagiarism scandal" on NPR's Talk of the Nation, in which he claims that hot-and-bothered romance readers have been requesting pictures of him with his shirt off and a ferret on his shoulder. Who knew nerds would be considered dead sexy by the romance set? I guess I have something to look forward to.

Brain Cells or No Brain Cells
2008-01-21 19:20:00
I can't stop watching Deal or No Deal. I know I know I know it's lame and it's ridiculous how they can stretch such lameness out to a whole hour. Comedian Nick Swardson puts it succinctly: "It's just a guy pointing to fucking briefcases!" Swardson's hilarious bit on game shows is captured via audio here:But I'm telling you. It's exciting! Once you start watching, it's hard not to watch the whole episode. And it's hard not to go online and try to find a Deal or No Deal computer game. And it's hard not to play it again and again and again: Click to Play Deal or No Deal!
More About: Brain

Clovercrap
2008-01-20 10:05:00
There's an endless number of things for me to complain about (man, don't even get me started), but one sticks out in my mind. Let me pose a question. Is it okay for filmmakers to make movies that are physically unwatchable? The nonstop shaky handheld camera gimmick of the film in question made me dizzy, nauseous, and sick to my core. And the vomit that was splattered on the carpet on my way out of the theater (by an audience member who was unable to make it to the restroom in time) was evidence that I was not in the minority on this issue. As for the rest of it, like I said, don't even get me started. Please. And thank you.
More About: Movies , Horror

"Details" Turns Tween Idol Into Emo Boy
2008-01-20 00:22:00
Yeah, I'd tap that....On another note, in Details magazine's new interview with Zefron, the writer reports:Somewhere in the world, right this second, a little gay boy is making a plastic Zac Efron kiss another plastic Zac Efron. Bizarrely, the actor's two biggest roles so far have both led to the same non-biodegradable immortality. The High School Musical "Troy Bolton" doll version of Zac Efron was followed by its own doppelgänger: the Hairspray "Link Larkin" doll version of Zac Efron.Doll kissing?! That's sick! (But thanks for the idea, journalist!)...And, finally, I just love Details' short video interview of Zefron. When they ask him who his first celebrity crush was, he claims he didn't have any...and then he starts yammering on and on with wide-eyed wonder about Leonardo DiCaprio. Seriously.... Seriously hot! Yup:[Thanks to Golfwidow for sending me this.]
More About: Idol

Chess Nerds
2008-01-19 02:22:00
Chess legend-turned-nutjob Bobby Fischer is dead. The Washington Post details his more crazy antics. A few gems:* In 1981, he was arrested in Pasadena, by mistake, on suspicion of bank robbery, which prompted him to publish a pamphlet entitled, "I Was Tortured in the Pasadena Jail House."* He gave $90,000 of his world championship winnings to the Pasadena-based Worldwide Church of God, a fundamentalist sect whose founder, Herbert W. Armstrong, had predicted that Jesus Christ would return to Earth in 1975 after a nuclear holocaust. When the year came and went without nuclear incident, Fischer left the church.* He reportedly had the fillings removed from his teeth to prevent the Soviets from transmitting secret messages.This all of course reminds me of my favorite movie of 1993, Searching for Bobby Fischer. Steve Zallian's portrait of real-life chess prodigy Josh Waitzkin is engrossing, moving, and layered. He also manages to make chess exciting, with matches that involve you emotio...
More About: Movies , Chess