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Caroline Michel: Heseltine's ex-intimate grabs PFD
2007-09-16 12:00:00
The defection of Caroline Michel from the William Morris Agency to rival agency PFD has shocked British publishing. An Independent on Sunday piece gives a good sense of scale [click here]. Michel's appointment is a clear sign that owners CSS Stellar want PFD turned into an international super agency and that a proposed management buyout by some of its agents is not an option. One consequence is that PFD may lose many of them as it feathers down with Michel. As the Indy on Sunday says: "PFD represents some of the biggest names in the literary world including Simon Schama, Julian Barnes, Alan Bennett, John Mortimer and Joanna Trollope, as well as stars of stage, screen and comedy, including Kate Winslet, Dawn French and Ricky Gervais. It also holds the copyright to the literary estates of Hilaire Belloc, Nancy Mitford, JB Priestley, Evelyn Waugh and Rebecca West."Caroline Michel, 48 - known to some as Lady Gush because of her flamboyant charm - is the wife of Matthew (now Lord) Evans...
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Elton John and David Furnish: A marriage of three +
2007-09-15 13:23:00
Elton John : Me, Myself And I is broadcast on UK terrestrial ITV1 on Saturday 22 September - the press release promises that he "will be dropped right back into the middle of influential moments in his life, enabling him to interact with his younger self, relive his most memorable times, and fulfil some of his long held but never realised ambitions," thanks to computer graphics and other nerdy innovations.The transcript I've seen doesn't break any significant new ground though one can never have enough of Sir Elt: he has co-opted a Hollywood-style glamour while tatty Tinseltown itself has disappeared up Lindsay Lohan's flaring nostrils. Any excuse will do to see him on the box. I only wish he might have elaborated on the dynamics of his civil union with David Furnish. Contrary to presentation, theirs is a continent open relationship and it's a measure of their bond that the relationship is strengthened as a result. So many cock-cocking marriages expire sexually in the early days ...
More About: Marriage , Elton John , Nish

New Statesman party: Virgin takes over from Tesco
2007-09-14 14:14:00
Good turn out of dark suits and floral frocks at the rather subdued New Statesman's “summer” do at the Banqueting House in Westminster last night. Under Rubens’ splendid ceiling in the Main Hall – one of the last things Charles I would have gazed upon before losing his head on the scaffold just outside in 1649 - proprietor Geoffrey Robinson mounted the throne dais and announced that Gordon Brown was expected at 8.30-ish pm. If the PM did turn up – if he could be bothered to cross the road from Downing Street – I wouldn’t know because he was still not there 45 minutes after ETA when I left. Before then, Robinson introduced his editor John Kampfner for whom, he suggested, the throne was a better fit. Kamfner’s speech wasn’t the gung-ho marathon of last year when he was the debutant editor on a mission to impose his youth on the venerable organ. I expected him to reel off stats aplenty but instead he just barked at the throng with that over-manly, Andrew Marr-y voice...
More About: Party , Virgin , Tesco , Esma

John Travolta - 'Scientologists treated his homosexuality'
2007-09-13 17:13:00
Do try to get a copy of Ian Halperin’s new book Hollywood Undercover – he last made a great splash with Shut Up and Smile back in 2002, an expose of the fashion world that was Jackie Collins’ book of the year in the Mail. His trick is to reinvent himself with an outrageous name and persona, launch himself into a crazy targeted world, Borat-style, and then document the resultant absurdities. He is a satirical action man.I’ve interviewed the author and will put that piece up soon. But its most explosive part is on homosexuality in Tinseltown. “Nine out of 10 actors in Hollywood are gay,” he asserts, having communed with the Queers of the Round Table, a salon of celebrity cock-cocking connoisseurs. Halperin tells me: “Without a shadow of doubt Travolta was gay. He went through the Scientologist’s auditing programme which purports to re-programme gays as straight. I have seen incontrovertible evidence of this. I was shown a video of one of his ex-male lovers talking abou...
More About: John Travolta , John , Homosexuality , Volta , Ality

Kevin Spacey - propositioned a waiter?
2007-09-13 17:10:00
Kevin Spacey was “brutally mugged” in a London park in 2004 while walking his pooch ... Popbitch now presents the “real” story behind this episode featuring a straight waiter who took offence at the actor’s cock-cocking proposition and punched him in the face. Given what else I’ve heard about this predatory and frustrated actor, I can believe it.
More About: Kevin , Waiter , Posi , Kevin Spacey , Wait

Pompeii Down!, Madonna Down! Open, Up!
2007-09-12 14:23:00
1. Sad to hear that Roman Polanski has quit directing movie Pompei i. All sorts of reasons have been given for this ranging from failure to develop a tentpole script for a massive return on the $100m investment to the hot weather this year in south Italy - which is a bit like moaning about the chill in Siberia. Last I visited Pompeii in this incarnation I noticed that rival cartographers - at least three at the last count - had mapped the ruins differently so you didn't really know where you were. I thought of writing a comedy about it - mainly for the location pleasures - but then thought better of it.2. Madonna dragged out of a Bloc Party gig in a headlock? Hard to believe.3. Going to the Open magazine launch tonight incognito - a new arts/media online mag with a populist approach, and horoscopes. My kind of mag: culture and trash all in one. Then the New Statesman party on Thursday, incognito again, where I shall ask where's their brilliant arts diary.
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Tony Bennett and his fight against homicidal homos
2007-09-11 18:39:00
Further to the posting immediately below, I await with interest an update on the The Lubbock Trust website informing its readership that Michael Barrymore is not to be charged with anything in connection with the death of Stuart Lubbock. The somewhat cranky Tony Bennett , who is now solely responsible for the site, has in the past not been tardy in posting bulletins hostile to Barrymore so I can only assume he is on holiday or under sedation after the recent good news for the TV entertainer. The Trust no longer exists – it was wound-up on June 22 - but the site’s still there, brooding.Girding my loins I read through it and learned that it’s under police investigation over alleged homophobia – I shall watch this with interest if the matter has not already resolved. For some time I had suspected that disapproval of cock-cocking had motored Bennett’s interest in the Lubbock case – as much as his concern for “justice” (ie the arrest and conviction of Barrymore or a drag q...
More About: Fight , Tony Bennett

Michael Barrymore - background on the loons
2007-09-10 17:49:00
For some background on Michael Barrymore and why the police probably went through the most recent charade of arrest - questions - bail - more questions - released without charge click here. Hopefully, the police will now stop listening to right-wing conspiracy theorists and go do something useful for a change.
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Robert Tewdwr Moss: When John McVicar wanted him
2007-09-10 13:36:00
The 11th anniversary of the murder of Robe rt Tewdwr Moss prompts a most interesting memory from the deputy editor of the Oxford Mail, Toby Granville:Dear Madame,I was shocked to hear of Robert's passing, particularly the circumstances, when I stumbled upon a report about him online several years later.I didn't know Robert well, I just met him a handful of times while he was freelancing at the Sunday People magazine where I started life as the office slave.During one of the regular four hour lunch breaks when the rest of the team went to a wine bar or down the Stab to get steamed, I was ordered to stay and answer the phones which never rang. On one of these days Robert bustled into the office, absolutely terrified, with sweat dripping all the way through his bohemian suit.Suddenly, and unusually, all the office phones started ringing.'Don't answer them' he exclaimed, as he shuddered against the wall of the office, dabbing his forehead with a hanky.As they continued to ring, he r...
More About: John , Wanted

Klaxons rubbish Guardian at Mercurys
2007-09-10 09:49:00
Last week's Merc urys seemed to be civilisedly uneventful but for Amy Winehouse kindly returning to form and the prize going to the brilliant Klaxons - certainly the Guardian 's report of September 5 would have us believe so. But I learn matters were less pacific. Teletext's Show Spy [click here] runs a short report of a red carpet row - and now someone sends me a fuller version which I am happy to reprint here:"There was the usual red carpet scrum, with each Klaxon talking to a different reporter. The woman from The Guardian (who was an idiot) introduced herself to bassist Jamie Reynolds, who instantly yelled along the lines of “The Guardian? You’ve got a fucking nerve talking to us after that review of our album. That twat obviously never even listened to the album.” At which point, singer James Righton – who had been talking to a reporter on the Star – broke off from his interview to join in haranguing Guardian girl. "After a good minute of this, James turned back to t...
More About: Bish , Rubbish

Jasper Gerard - is anyone out there?
2007-09-09 13:45:00
How odd that of the 11 opinion columns listed on today's Observer website, only Jasper Gera rd 's has no reader comment facility. Could it be that he elicits a response that is neither stimulatingly hostile nor reassuringly supportive - but simply damagingly incredulous? So, silence is the default option for the paper's resident cuckoo's egg.

Nesta Wyn Ellis: A letter from Paris ...
2007-09-08 15:38:00
The former Prime Minister John Major's biographer Nesta Wyn Ellis (pictured here as singer Yzabel, also known in Paris as La Sirène) kindly writes, presumably from Paris ... for more on Nesta follow the labels below ... to hear Yzabel sing click here ...Dear Madame,I have just been enjoying your blog of August 8th and following up various leads and stories. I could become a real addict and will read further blogs with enthusiasm. Thank you also for plugging my website in such a flattering way. I am happy to tell you that we have recently updated the site and improved the photo display. We have also changed our domain so only the old site is coming up on the link supplied in your wonderful blog.You and your readers can now access the improved website at the same addresswww.nestawynellis.com [Click here]. Fresh news will be posted shortly about the publication of two novels and a volume of verse (delayed) for which you were kind enough to supply a review.If I send you the novels in ...
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Lorraine Kelly won't be writing Mein Kampf
2007-09-07 14:57:00
I am delighted to learn that smart TV personality Lorraine Kell y has signed up with Headline to write her autobiography – out August 2008. I think we can safely say – as used to be said of Martin Amis’ life story - it won’t be titled My Struggle. But I wonder whether she will show the steelier side of her otherwise sweet persona. At Talk Radio she used to bitch quite regularly about her then GMTV colleague Eamonn Holmes and his ego – and was never happier when she got her own GMTV segment LK Today – in which she tends to interview the celeb guests who have just appeared on GMTV Today. Oh dear, I feel I’ve just shot Bambi.
More About: Writing , Lorraine Kelly

Lynda La Plante - 'Bloody immigrants!'
2007-09-07 13:22:00
I’ve only just noticed that Lynda La Plante is turning into Paul Dacre. She’s pushing her new novel Clean Cut [Click here] and relates her research method - snipping out newspaper stories that have appalled her. “I’m turning into Victor Meldrew,” says the copper hair-dyed virago, “because I just keep saying ‘I don’t believe it!’ I use actual newspaper headlines in my novels, I don’t make anything up. The stories too, I just change the names and a few details. There was the story of the 82-year-old woman with cancer and no hospital bed could be found for her. She’s paid her National Insurance all her life and no bed can be found! Yet immigrants who’ve paid nothing find hospital beds. I know I’m a demented ferret, I even shout at the TV at what I see …” I think the Mail should sign up this woman forthwith and give the more moderate Allison Pearson time to marry her live-in lover.
More About: Immigrant , Immigrants , Bloody

Pavarotti - when he was blown away, bless
2007-09-06 17:28:00
Nice story on Popbitch this week - see sidebar to get the weekly issue - about Pavarotti . Back in 2003 he was caught in his Covent Garden theatre dressing room with two dancers - one giving him a blowjob while the other held his stomach out of the way.

Sharon Osbourne - Gervais on the Tarrant episode
2007-09-05 14:19:00
I knew about Sharon Osbourne 's deranged verbal assault on Chris Tarrant, but Marian Yule - who wrote in - supplies so much excellent colour (I didn't know Louis put Chris up to it) that it would be a waste not to post it here ... Oddly enough, I was at Ricky Gervais 's stand-up show yesterday, where he used his encore to tell a story about Sharon Osbourne's, er, unique approach to other people.Apparently he was sitting with his girlfriend at the back at the recording of the live final [of The X Factor] for the last series, near Chris Tarrant and his daughter, and chef Aldo Zilli and his wife. As the show was live, every commercial break was filled with a warm-up man taking questions from the audience to be put to the judges.Chris Tarrant had apparently colluded with Louis Walsh to get to ask a question. He stood up, and started: "Sharon, you're married to an intelligent, articulate man..."He got no further because Sharon Osbourne started screeching obscenities, including liberal...
More About: Episode

The Desmond Elliott Prize 2008 seeks 'sparkling new fiction'
2007-09-05 13:25:00
As devoted fans of Arcati know, I am no great propagandist for mainstream publishing (run largely by marketing tarts and shop assistants) or of literary contests. But what would life be without exceptions to one’s rule? I do not hesitate to recommend to writers of fiction The Desmond Elliott Prize 2008 - a new biennial prize for a first novel written in English and published in the UK.Worth £10,000 to the winner, the prize is named after the literary agent and publisher, Desmond Elliott. The judges seek a book with “buzz”, which has ”word-of-mouth” and lasting appeal; which is a page-turner that possesses intelligence. That book could be yours.Let’s hope it’s not fucking Ian McEwan, the Dame Judi Dench of literary awards.Books and entry forms should be submitted to the Prize Administrator to arrive no later than Friday 23 November 2007. For more about the Prize, entry forms and conditions and the extraordinary and late Desmond Elliott, visit its website - click here.I...
More About: Fiction , The D , Spar

Sharon Osbourne is flushed away
2007-09-05 08:53:00
My prediction on Sunday that the latest X Factor will be Sharon Osbourne 's swansong series may prove correct - I see that the woman who likes to share her shit with her nearest and dearest has leaked (so to speak) to The Sun her intention to quit the show. Apparently, she's tired of being pitted against Dannii Minogue by Simon Cowell and "being out of the loop". The reality is she was told to shove it after the producers read last weekend's News of the World - her brother David Arden's most serious allegation was that she tried to persuade her protege Ben Mills to quit the third series when it became obvious Simon's Leona Lewis would triumph. She's never won a series. As for Cowell, Minogue's appointment was a masterstroke to remove the demented and bullying Osbourne - a woman who should redirect her finances from cosmetic surgery to psychiatry.
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Paul Dacre - back from his tropic beach!
2007-09-04 12:25:00
I hear that that one Paul Dacre Esq was back in the Daily Mail newsroom last night, looking less relaxed than one might hope after a month on a tropical beach. He was also sporting a tan that wouldn't have been out of place on a walnut sideboard.
More About: Beach , Back

Nicholas de Jongh - a camp old queen?
2007-09-04 12:14:00
Evening Standard theatre critic Nicholas de Jong h didn't much care for Lone Star and Private Wars at the King's Head (till Sept 23) - starring Shane Richie as an ex-soldier who flashes passing women even though his "pecker" has been shot away - and Mick Jagger's luscious-lipped son James. Richie got his revenge on This Morning - "The critics love the play," he said, "except that camp old queen on the Standard. He can't stand me anyway." Normally I punish such homophobic utterances but on this occasion I shall compliment Richie on a certain degree of accuracy.
More About: Queen , Camp

Helen Mirren - no lunch with the Queen
2007-09-03 18:52:00
As I suspected the Evening Standard's claim in Londoner's Diary that Helen Mirren has lunched with the Queen is made up. Ken McReddie, who represents the actress, tells me this meeting has not taken place. I therefore doubt that much else in the piece is correct - see labels for original report.
More About: Lunch , The Queen

Sharon Osbourne is browned off
2007-09-03 15:32:00
Given the scatological nature of Sharon Osbourne ’s revenge tactics as reported in the News of the World yesterday – such as smearing her unperfumed shit over Sir Elton John’s Rolls - it’s unfortunate that the publisher of her two memoirs is … Little, Brown.
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Helen Mirren and the Queen: Did they?
2007-09-03 15:16:00
The Evening Standard's The Londoner’s Diary gossip column reports confidently that HM has not seen The Queen – first shown on British TV last night. This contradicts my information – she viewed the movie some time ago and found it irritating in places but not entirely inaccurate – hence the warmth extended to her celluloid doppelgänger Helen Mirren through the media. The Queen will never endorse a movie beyond acknowledging Mirren's great success.Asked by the Chicago Tribune on August 28 whether she thought the sovereign had watched Stephen Frears’ movie, Mirren said: “I don't know directly. I can't imagine that she didn't. I very, very much imagine that she did.” Anyone who knows the regal, onetime anti-monarchist Mirren would take that as a diplomatic “yes”. On set these days she’s more royal than Princess Michael of Kent.Another surprise: I hadn’t realised Mirren and the Queen had had their lunch at Buckingham Palace, as reported in the Diary – this ...
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Polly Toynbee - up there with Papa Ratzi
2007-09-02 13:22:00
The Guardianista Polly Toynbee is the new president of the British Humanist Association (BHA) "which does not accept supernatural views of reality." I have every confidence Polly will match religious zealotry with her practised irreligious zealotry, judging by a radio interview this morning. She resents, for example, the power of the religious in the Lords to shape legislation on euthanasia: she would have such matters entirely decided by supporters of the BHA who - funnily enough - favour euthanasia. The priests of the BHA are called officiants; its commandments are called bylaws. It repudiates "authoritarian principles" except those - in effect - that would deprive a religious person of any power or influence. The Pope, Papa Ratzi, would feel at home in such as organisation, but for the details.British Humanism - click here and evangelise for a better Polly-cratic future.Given the BHA's likeness to a religious organisation - officiants, bylaws etc - it's only right that they hav...
More About: Olly

Sharon Osbourne: How she shat on Elton John
2007-09-02 11:50:00
David Arden trashes his monstrous celeb sister Sharon Osbourne in the News of the World today - the revelations are so destructive that I think we can view the current series of The X Factor as her swan song. Because the paper pinches Arcati's story on Paul Gascoigne without credit, I'm happy to lift promiscuously.Of Elton John , Arden says: "'Elton is Sharon's oldest friend. But to this day, he still doesn't know about one truly disgusting act of spiteful revenge she took against him in the early 70s, long before she met Ozzy. "'Sharon and Elton both fancied the same young man in Los Angeles. And when Elton was the one who finally got him into bed Sharon was furious. Accompanied by a friend of ours, who told me everything, she sneaked up to Elton's Beverly Hills mansion, defecated on his driveway then used it for her own dirty protest all over his Rolls-Royce. It was absolutely appalling. But that's just the way Sharon ALWAYS retaliates."'Many years later, after she had Oz...

Barry Manilow + Mandy Miami = Mandy
2007-09-01 17:28:00
Veritas has interesting information about Barry Manilow 's Mandy arising from my review of December 3, 2006 (see labels):Trivia: 'Mandy'-the original song being Scott English's 'Brandy' was changed to Mandy when English met 70's/80's London singer and journalist called Mandy Miami . I know because I was there. Scott was telling a few people that Manilow was to record his song - and then suddenly hit upon the idea of changing the title to Mandy - and told Ms Miami it was in her honour. She's soon to release a never-heard song written for by the legendary Ian Dury, called "Fits and Starts"!

Welcome to Spam2Arcati
2007-09-01 12:02:00
Do visit my new blog Spam2Arca ti - dedicated to showcasing the spam sent to Madame Arcati (and everyone else). I hate to waste anything; even spam has its entertainment value: read these sad, pathetic, usually fraudulent letters and wonder how anyone could fall for them. I have kicked off with 20+ items but will build up as time allows.

Madame Arcati - beware cheap imitations
2007-08-31 20:23:00
A number of readers have written to me privately asking me if I am one or both of the Madame Arca tis on Facebook and the one on MySpace. Short answer: No. One of the Facebook counterfeit Arcatis approaches people who feature on this blog inviting them to be their friend; that ain't me. These copycat individuals, devoid of a whit of imagination or intelligence, tragically hope to borrow a little bit of my glory by lockstepping with this blog. Doesn't bother me. But I thought you'd like to know.
More About: Cheap , Beware , Dame