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Madame Arcati

Madame Arcati
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Articles: 1, 2


Cranford: The show gives good suck
2007-11-19 15:18:00
“My sister doesn’t like the word suck,” said Dame Judi Dench apropos the eating of an orange, in her latest period vehicle for an award aka Cran ford (Sundays, BBC1). It was the second sexiest thing about this Elizabeth Gaskell adaptation. The first sexiest thing was Dame Judi sucking on an orange in the privacy of her bedroom – she made it look like a fruity type of cunnilingus: she had already said at table that she likes to make a hole in her orange for the sucking of the juice. She was tasteful enough not to allow a dribble, that would have been too much for this otherwise twee costumed tale about a group of hymened hysterics who faint at the first squeak of a woodlouse fart. Her sister did allow herself a bit of a suck, but from neatly cut orange segments. Still, the build up will be to a romantic tumescence - spinster redemption by cock - for even in Cranford oranges are not the only fruit.
More About: Show , Good , Suck
David Montgomery and his Cycle of Doom
2007-11-19 09:11:00
Reading the Guardian's entertaining report on David Mont gomery and his empire building across Europe in the van of the alien-sounding Mecom – buying up hundreds of regional newspapers – reminds me to remind you of the usual Monty cycle as witnessed at News International and Mirror Group:1. The surprise move as he emerges from nowhere to take control (he's a Scorpio, see. Secretive).2. Lots of promises not to sack anyone ie “Everyone is in place …”3. A brilliant start – cuts impress the suits, he talks the talk to the City types, paints his visionary future. Some useful purchases made.4. Cuts start as promises are shredded, the troops start to revolt, editor heads roll, lots of vile coverage in the media. He is described as "thin man" and his nickname Rommel revived.5. Eccentric editorial initiatives, bizarre appointments, more sackings, horrible or scandalous diary items about his love life. But he loves opera and is a delight on the piano.6. Media Rumours of unease am...
More About: Cycle , Doom
Nicholas Coleridge: At home in his graveyard
2007-11-18 11:31:00
Not content with reviews of his novels in Condé Nast's many gorgeous catalogues, Condé Nast MD Nicholas Coleridge has now granted an Hello!-style audience to Condé Nast's opulent The World of Interiors. In its December issue it carries a 10-page feature, entitled A Fantasy Flower, on Nicky's grand Worcestershire home, Wolverton Hall - and I must compliment him on his exquisite taste if not the pretty pics.However, as is the Indy on Sunday media diarist, one is perturbed by signs in the home of what the paper calls "creepy personalised features". These include "Sunhats perched on antlers from a deer shot by Nicholas Coleridge" and, in the bathroom, "the mounted butterflies above the basin were netted by Nicholas Coleridge, aged 10." My friends at PETA claim that "Violent acts towards animals have long been recognised as indicators of a dangerous psychopathy that is not limited to animal abuse." While I think we may safely conclude that Nicky poses no obvious threat to his fello...
More About: Graveyard , Home
Picture of the year: Look, no tongues!
2007-11-17 13:30:00
I am Spartacus I am Spartacus I am Spartacus I am SpartacusI am Spartacus I am Spartacus I am Spartacus I am SpartacusI am Spartacus I am SpartacusI am Spartacus I am SpartacusI am Spartacus I am Spartacus
More About: Picture , Year , Tongues , Tong
Anthony Haden-Guest: FT gives him the FO
2007-11-17 11:55:00
Is the Financial Times editor Lionel Barber the most self-important turd in "Fleet Street"? Probably not - the competition is keen - but I am appalled that he has sacked living myth the Hon Anthony Haden-Guest , as the paper's Weekend FT saleroom correspondent, for not being strictly accurate about the troubled politics at the National Gallery. Given H-G's decades as a high profile socialite and art critic, Barber could have at most demanded dinner at the Ivy at the author's expense as punishment.Not that H-G is bleating. As he told Mediaguardian: "The allegations about Peter Scott had previously been published by both the Times and the Independent. Nonetheless I should certainly have double-checked. So I am not going to whine." Let us hope that the FT was not perceived as the softer touch by the complainant, or as Barber put it in his Papal Bull of an email to his staff: "The FT's reputation depends on the integrity of its reporting and its unflinching commitment to accuracy." F...
Heather Mills: Two bitch superstars (and a dog)
2007-11-15 17:33:00
Michele and Bijou. David is elsewhereI am pleased to see that Heather Mills McCartney's new global PR Michele Elyzabeth has put on the moderator on her Heather blog at long last – I am most impressed. She has also wisely removed all the tabloid-driven commenter bile and replaced it with a confetti of lovely healing thoughts with only the slightest sign of demurral to Heather’s gospel – this too is wise: it gives the impression of free-speech (a childish notion in net world). I think I may like Michele who has a dog called Bijou and a gay hairdresser called David. In contrast to Heather’s last PR, the Yoda-ish Phil Hall who understands how thin-skinned the average hack is, Michele vlogs weekly rants at the media as Bijou looks on with a sad countenance. Some media pundits are saying that Heather has made another big boob with Michele, but I’m not so sure. I did suggest in a previous posting that perhaps she could improve her image with some humour and self-parody. I think ...
More About: Bitch
Tony Blair unpaid - a confirmation
2007-11-14 18:24:00
The excellent Times diarist Hugo Rifkind reports today that Tony Blair 's Middle East envoy role for the Quartet is unpaid. "I'm sure we have said this before," a bewildered spokesman for the former PM tells Hugo. But he begs to differ. Actually, back in June, Sky News reported that the role was expected to be unpaid, click here. But it's nice to be reminded.
More About: Confirmation , Lair
Heather Mills: New PR may not last long ...
2007-11-14 18:11:00
Heather Mills has appointed a new worldwide PR to replace Phil Hall - one exotic Michele Elyzabeth who has aristocratic pretensions and a new Heather blog unwisely unmoderated. The result is a cascade of atrociously insulting anti-Heather comments from the net's gabby anonymice - along the lines of "Crazy hires crazy", "She's only famous because she sucked a Beatle's dick" and "Why doesn't she take off her stump and knock you both over the head". Oh dear, this is not good PR at all, unless it's an experiment to measure the level of tabloid-driven bile directed at the embattled Lady Macca. Whatever, read up for yourself, click here.
More About: Heather Mills , Long
Observer and Guardian disagree on homeophobia
2007-11-13 14:32:00
In the Guardian , novelist Jeanette Winterson soberly tackles the tricky subject of homeophobia – the fear and loathing of homeopathy, that is. She relates how while staying at a remote cottage in Cornwall she ran a temperature of 102, had spots on her throat, was delirious. And she had a book to finish. Her “desperate” publisher suggested she call the homeopath Hilary Fairclough who sent round a remedy called Lachesis, made from snake venom. “Four hours later I had no symptoms whatsoever.” (I believe this piece first appeared in The Times in 2004). She finishes: “We should be careful of dismissing the testimony of millions who say the remedies have worked for them.”For once I have no firm view to offer – by temperament I am too impatient for results. And homeopathy, by my understanding, works slowly and subtly, if at all (Winterson’s rapid symptomatic relief surprises me). Zap me with the chemicals and I’m all yours (reluctantly). But it intrigues me that the pie...
More About: Observer , Serve , Phobia
Nicky Haslam, Russell Brand and frying old boobs
2007-11-12 18:06:00
Fish was right – publication of Nicky Haslam’s Redeeming Features: A Memoir has been postponed from November 1 to January 3. How annoying for Weidenfeld and Nicolson to miss out on the Christmas prezzie rush, and for me. I was getting sooooooooooo excited at the prospect of learning more of Tallulah Bankhead’s infatuation with him – she loved public schoolboys as I think MI5 discovered in their trawls and she may have even yielded to some under-age cock, the dirty cow. So, instead I have to read Russell Brand ’s tiresome “memoirs”, My Booky Wook, serialised in the gorgeously celebrity-obsessed Guardian (shouldn't it be restyled The Guardian! ?). His prose style stirs up Henry Miller as realised by Ken Dodd – “I didn't understand what I was witnessing, but by jingo, I knew I liked it," he writes. "Dumbstruck, I sat looking at the women, their hair, each strand identifiable as it responded to a fan that had been placed there to elicit exactly the reaction I felt in ...
More About: Russell Brand , Boob
Jonathan King: Pessimistic about Euro Appeal Contest
2007-11-12 15:39:00
Jonathan King has replied to a new star on the Madame Arcati reality blog show (re: King's appeal to the Euro pean Court of Human Rights against his conviction for sex attacks on teen boys). The pseudonymous Feodor quoted King on his site as saying: “[I] proved I could not have committed 4 of the 6 offences". Feodor replied: "So, the man implicitly admits having committed two of them, doesn't he? Enough said." Jonathan King writes:"Feodor "doh" - the other (more obvious conclusion to those without tunnel vision) is the correct one - that I could not prove my innocence on the other two false claims. It is hard to prove you didn't do something 25 years earlier, especially when there is no proof that you did, but one person's word is enough for the legal system."Madame - sadly I would predict (though my crystal ball is rather cloudy) total failure in Europe as in the UK system. Once a Vile Pervert always a Vile Pervert. The truth is less important these days."
More About: Contest , Jonathan , Appeal
Are you a left-brainer or a right-brainer?
2007-11-11 20:09:00
Quick test for you - which side of your brain do you use more, right or left? To find out with a simple at-a-glance test (is the model moving clockwise or anti-clockwise?), click here. (I'm a right-brainer apparently)
More About: Left
Norman Mailer: 'I think masturbation is bad ...
2007-11-11 12:07:00
"I wouldn't say all people who masturbate are evil, probably I would even say that some of the best people in the world masturbate. But I am saying it is a miserable activity ... Masturbation is bombing. It's bombing oneself."From An Impolite Interview with Paul Krassner, collected in Pieces and Pontifications.RIP
More About: Mailer , Norman , Norman Mailer
Jonathan King wins right to appeal to Europe
2007-11-11 11:31:00
Jonathan King has won his right to appeal to the Europe an Court of Human Rights against his conviction for sex attacks on teenage boys. To read more click here. King on the appeal, click here.
More About: Jonathan , Wins , Appeal
2007-11-10 21:16:00
... In a class of his own. The current series of The X Factor may as well end now.
Karl Lagerfeld and his odd bedtime habits
2007-11-10 12:09:00
Tatler editor Geordie Greig's interview with Chanel's legendary fashion designer Karl Lagerfeld in the magazine's December issue is faintly fawning to say the least, and it left me a little confused on the matter of the subject's bedtime habits, described in regal detail.We learn that Karl sleeps in a long white nightdress, in a room with no curtains, for seven hours every night, "like clockwork". But before Hypnos carts him off to oblivion, Karl reads "two pages in bed before the book falls on his face." Karl adds: "I then read in the early morning" even though, as Geordie relates immediately afterwards, "he is woken by light and hunger". That he reads rather than breakfasts first thing is an example to me of admirable masochism.But let us think this routine through. So, Karl lies in bed, presumably on his back with the book in his hands held above his face. This then crashes onto his face as he nods off. Would this not wake him up? - I take it he's not under sedation. I suppo...
More About: Habits , Karl Lagerfeld , Abit , Ager
John Barrowman, his memoirs and anatomical pics
2007-11-09 20:58:00
Torchwood and Doctor Who star John Barrowman has just completed his autobiography, Anything Goes, with the help of ghostwriter, sister Carole, I learn. It's due out next February or March from Michael O'Mara after his well-earned break in South Africa.But what's this I hear of him taking pics of a huge part of his anatomy on the set of Torchwood, having the images blown up and then stuck up put on the wall of a certain Torchwood set? Perhaps the poppet will get in touch and explain himself.Madame Arcati is a great fan of Mr Barrowman - he will become a global superstar through movies I predict - and is pleased to learn that the stitching in another area of his anatomy is holding firm.
More About: Memoirs , Anatom
Nesta Wyn Ellis replies to Lavinia ...
2007-11-09 09:12:00
Paris-based author and singer Nesta Wyn Ellis caught sight of a comment from commenter Lavinia and asked me to put up this response:I have never heard of Lavinia, except that there is a rather nouveau riche pretentious wine chain here in Paris by this name. As for Lavinia's comment, the reason that I am not known in Paris is that I keep my life here a complete secret and my concerts, and social rendezvous, are entirely private and by invitation only.Sorry "Lavinia" if you are one of the hoi polloi who never gets an invitation. My reason for coming to live in Paris was to keep my life entirely private and free of malicious comment in newspapers by freelance nonentities such as yourself, perhaps? As for Madame Arcati, she's a doll and a confidante and very much my valued friend.Touché! Best love,Nesta
Del Toro to direct The Champions movie
2007-11-08 16:48:00
Great news that Mexican movie director Guillermo Del Toro is to make the movie version of Sixties’ TV sci-fi show, The Champions . Remember it? It featured one beautiful man (Stuart Damon), one beautiful girl (Alexandra – I want to say Bastardo – but, no, I mean Bastedo) and then one not-so-beautiful man (William Gaunt): all playing agents endowed with supernatural gifts and working for some international outfit called Nemesis. The ejaculatory, spraying city fountains in the opening credits sequence were the one thing that impressed my child’s eye; the paranormal bits of course I took to be entirely natural, what with me being a precocious and witchy Madame Arcati and all. I couldn’t understand what the fuss was about. I didn’t realise then just how dull life is for most wretches. Del Toro is perfect for this project: a master of the schlock-free other-worldly. If you’ve not seen Pan’s Labyrinth yet, then get the DVD. It was my movie of the year last year; a literal f...
More About: Movie , Direct , The Champions
Stereophonics' Kelly Jones: 'Din with Keyser Söze'
2007-11-08 16:39:00
One of my darlingest sources sends me this delightful item from the excellent freebie Metro London newspaper. It's an interview with singer Kell y Jones of Stere ophonics and one part goes like this:Did Kevin Spacey know your songs?Yeah, he did. We met when I did a gig for the Prince’s Trust at St James’s Palace. He took us out for dinner to Madame Jojos and the Met Bar; that was the first time we went there. The boys in the band thought he was after me…Did you think he was?No, as far as I was concerned, I was out for a drink with Keyser Söze. We didn’t become pals.
Heather Mills McCartney: Crime claim against Sun?
2007-11-08 09:47:00
Glad to see Heather Mills McCartney has no regrets about her various attacks on the British press last week. On GMTV this morning she claimed that a Sun journalist had approached a man in Newcastle offering him money to make up a story against her - "It could be a criminal matter," she said, "we have a statement from the man." This is most interesting and I shall watch with interest.I liked the fact she kept calm this time and didn't whinny on a top note to suggest an imminent blub - she's not one for tears is Heather. She also wished Macca well in his new relationship with "US millionairess" Nancy Shevell saying it was no one's business but his. Some ancient alleged Mafia link with her dad's company adds juiciness.
More About: Crime
Sophie Dahl and those pesky gene-jeanies
2007-11-07 09:37:00
Novelist and supermodel Sophie Dahl – or Dahling as some bitches like Arcati have a habit of saying – is all over the place right now with the release of her first full-length work of fiction, Playing with the Grown-ups. Whereas most writers must face the cruel fate of oblivion, Dahl’s more rarefied excruciation is the reverse of the common experience, hereditary celebrity and its remorseless trivialisation of her person and work.It was the Indy editor Simon Kelner who encapsulated Sophie’s predicament with inadvertent and cruel efficiency in his GQ December Food column, following his delicious lunch with her (she had the smoked salmon and Jerusalem artichokes). He wrote: “For her career as a writer, the genes look good. As I watched her stride across the Aldwych after lunch, I thought the jeans don’t seem too bad either.”Ah, yes the genes and the jeans. Never mind about the book! Every profile and interview rehearses the genealogy: Sophie’s mother is Tessa, the daug...
More About: Gene
Heather! Get yourself on Ross pronto!
2007-11-05 11:52:00
The PR Mark Borkowski gives sensible advice to Heather Mills McCartney in today's Guardian after shaking his head at her TV antics of last week. He even tries to explain to her the "emotional roles" celebrities play in the wretched lives of the public. First, stars provide a "mythical narrative that the fan can follow and identify with" (very true, as my studies of Spacey fans have revealed). Second, stars can "function as an empty screen on to which fans can project their dreams." He adds: "The slightest deviation from these prescribed roles provokes enormous rage." In other words, she should have just put up with the press shit because, let's face it, we want her to be Cruella.Mr Borkowski is one of our shrewder PRs - Madame Arcati might yet put him on a retainer! But there is one way in which a celebrity can tear away the binds of media central casting. It's called self-parody. Send yourself up - surprise your public with a display of comic self-knowingness - and a whole new l...
More About: Ross
Zac Efron cock shock pic poll result!! It's a fake!!
2007-11-03 23:30:00
In a shock blog poll result commissioned by the Madame Arcati personality construct, 58% of her global reading public have voted that this picture of Zac Efron 's cock and balls is a Photoshopped fake!Only 26% thought this pictorial display of the singing-acting star's masculine crown jewels was for real. Ten per cent generously concluded that the image captured "something of the actual" while a mean 6% thought it "nothing like the actual".Madame Arcati commented: "Not much gets past my public - as seasoned size queens, they can spot a phony once it's pointed out to them." However, critics of the much-maligned Madame savaged this latest blog poll. The Francophone Quebecian calling himself Duralex said, as he wiped away drama queen froth from his lips with a Man Size Kleenex: "Mon dieu! Madame has completely humiliated herself this time - suicide is the only answer!! Aux grands maux, les grands remèdes - or as the great philosopher Duralex père once said (via Babel Fish): 'Fuck ...
More About: Shock , Poll , Fake , Cock
Jack Ewing: The truth about Randy and Kevin
2007-11-02 14:44:00
InterviewJack Ewing is Randy Fowler's ghost writer - or memoirist (see below) - and a fellow resident of Boise, Idaho. Jack is the man who helped pull together Randy's unpublished life story that has so exercised the minds of Kevin Spacey fans when in fact the actor is just a minor player in the book.Jack is a fascinating one-man industry of prose - he claims to have written 100 million words in his long career as fiction writer, copywriter, encyclopaedist and much much more. Despite my idiotic initial rudeness he agreed to an email interview in which he dilates on ghost writing, the Fowler family, porn fiction, cats, Boise ... and he sends an invitation to Kevin Spacey.Hello Mr Ewing! First, I apologise again for referring to Boise, Idaho - your home town - as "fucking cunting". It was most uncalled for - I thought you were ignoring my email requests for an interview when in fact the email on your site was not working - so, sorry.I've said worse things about Boise from time to...
More About: Truth , Ruth
Suzanne Moore writes ...
2007-09-20 08:49:00
Darling Suzanne Moore - of fuck-me shoes fame (copyright G Greer) - writes a short note following my New Statesman party report ...Madame you flatter me. Not six inches - barely three! Strange do though....I didn't meet the only person I wanted to meet.Suzanne X
Ian Halperin - Spacey is the Hollywood norm
2007-09-19 13:35:00
The pity of Ian Halperin’s otherwise tremendously readable new book Hollywood Undercover: Revealing the Sordid Secrets of Tinseltown is that he can’t name the A-listers he thinks are gay closet cases.Kevin Spacey is scarcely even alluded to – but then he’s semi-detached from Tinseltown these days – and arguably always was. He’s class, you see; not like those trash stars who end up featured in The Homes of the Rich & Famous. When I meet Ian for a chat I ask him about Tom Cruise. He says: “People everywhere said he was gay but I found no proof. There’s no smoking gun.” I don’t believe it. But he’s happy to confirm that John Travolta “was” gay but may now be straight thanks to Scientology auditing. I don’t believe that either - that he's completely straight. Few people are, and some are gayer than others, of course. Another pity of the book is that Halperin really is quite naïve and uninformed of Hollywood life in some particulars. His intention is to reve...
More About: Peri , Erin , Olly
Nick Hellen: 'A pompous twat'
2007-09-19 08:53:00
The subject of Nick Hellen arises again - last I heard he was the deputy news editor of the Sunday Times: a fairly hopeless bully who I think may even trouble some of his seniors, although bullying staff is the coin of News International generally. A reader writes ....No, Madame Arcati is absolutely right - the man is a pompous twat. He is not particularly clever, his problem is more that he thinks that he is very clever. One should never confuse speed of thought with truth. Surely, he has a speedy and agile mind, but that does not make him infallible. His rudeness is quite simply, just that, and it cannot be excused. Should I meet him in a dark alley one night only one of us will emerge from that darkness. And it will not be him.And by the way - his journalism is shit - so much for his intellect - he has a tabloid imagination.Trainee
Two camp queens on a TV sofa
2007-09-18 11:17:00
Two camp queens met on a TV sofa, one ironic, the other the object of ironic idolatry; one archly beautiful at 62, the other pushing 50 and mumsy; the one cold, the other warm.Ms Cold doesn’t do garrulous: she’s succinct, faintly amused – she knows too much knowing talk is not cool. Ms Warm never stops talking, she’s not cool but she’s smart, and though she’s the interviewer, talks more than Ms Cold.Ms Cold says she’s in a “happy rut” – turning on its head any notion that a boring life is the starting point for tabloidy confession. “You’ve great cheek bones,” says Ms Warm. “So have you,” says Ms Cold. “You’re single – are you looking for somebody?” asks Ms Warm. Ms Cold bares beautiful, flawless white teeth in a parrying rictus and sort of shrugs her shoulders – as if to say “Yeah, why not?” Ms Cold doesn’t do lonely.Ms Cold mentions a movie she’s got a bit part in – Elegy – “with Sir Ben Kingsley” she adds with slight over-emp...
More About: Camp , Queens , Sofa
PFD: Micheal and Caroline and Jeanette and Pat (& Peggy)
2007-09-17 17:08:00
One of my regular readers - one who doesn't just write when I put up a Kevin Spacey piece! - reminds me that while I am happy to reveal that Michael Heseltine and Caroline Michel enjoyed time together as very special friends, Michel's rival Pat Kavanagh (wife of Julian Barnes) had a relationship with one of her star authors Jeanette Winterson. This latter story is well known, at least it is in some circles, but the Heseltine/Michel story is known only to a tiny circle, and as for the mainstream media - I don't know what they know. It's thought that the relationship inspired Winterson's novel Written on the Body, published in 1992 and dedicated "to Peggy Reynolds with love." Certainly there's never a dull moment at PFD.
More About: Anet , Heal
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