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I Wish Baby Jesus Was Never Born
2006-12-02 15:07:44
I can't even begin to comprehend this.Please, I beg of you, click on this link. It will take you to a terrifying place, a place where the Black Eyed Peas "My Humps" is covered to create a Christmas rendition in the form of an e-card that you can send to Grandma or your favorite pastor.Let me put this another way: Somebody took a song about asses and breasts, and rewrote the lyrics to make them about praising baby Jesus . That is all.
More About: Baby , Wish , Ever , Never

WILL IT BLEND???
2006-12-02 15:07:44
Oh God, will it??You're god damn right it will.powered by performancing firefox
More About: Will , Blend , Lend

Election 2006: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly. Mostly Bad
2006-12-02 15:07:44
If you've turned on your television, listened to the radio, opened a newspaper, or allowed the CIA satellites to enter into your foil-free cerebellum, you no doubt know that the midterm elections are rapidly approaching. Since relocating to Washington, DC, I've had the distinct pleasure of being kept up to date on the Maryland Gubernatorial and Senatorial races, in addition to Virginia's own heated Senate race. The insightful and thought-provoking campaign advertisements from each candidate have educated me on their stances on various political issues, and assured me that if they earn my precious vote, they will do everything in their power to uphold the huge honor and awesome responsibility that comes with serving as a elected official.Just kidding, they've called each other racists, pedophiles, and Bush whores. It's been fun.Yes, I am exhausted by the inundation of campaign advertisements from the states on either side of the District (that's what we call it here, country...
More About: Election , Most , Good , Ugly , The U

R.I.P., Coaches Screwing It Up
2006-12-02 15:07:44
College football has lost a legend today, a 21st century Paul Bunyan, a Patrick Henry that swings open palms instead of pickaxes.John L(unatic) Smith will resign at the end of the 2006 Michigan State football season, according to ESPN.com.School officials say:"The performance on the field has not lived up to what we hoped it would be," athletic director Ron Mason said during the news conference. "It comes time to make a change, and that's where we're at.""Coach Smith deserves to coach the rest of this season because he will coach with his heart, just like he always has," Joel Ferguson, Vice Chairperson of Michigan State's Board of Trustees, told ESPN's Joe Schad. "We have respect for him and we hope he takes us to a bowl game. What we need here is more players. What we need is better recruits. We don't make excuses. What we need is more depth and more players."He will coach with his heart. Just don't ask for the brain to follow.L, I don't know where your next stop along the ...
More About: Wing , Screw , Crew , Coaches

Good News, Everyone!
2006-12-02 15:07:44
Barnes & Noble has begun putting out their Christmas displays! Yes, yesterday evening, it was out with the Satanic Halloween children's books, and in with the sacred consumerism. May you all have a blessed, needlessly long shopping season.
More About: News , Good News , Ever , Good , Everyone

Dragging Voting Into the 21st Century
2006-12-02 15:07:44
The media lately has been hashing the troubles many regions of the country are having with new-fangled computerized voting devices. They claim that bugs, errors, and glitches make the entire endeavor questionable, and many parts of the country want to say the hell with it and go back to paper ballots. People say that our country isn't ready for our voting to be computerized.For God's sake, it isn't that complicated. The inherent distrust our behind-the-times government is showing for computers at the polls is unbelievable. Need we remind the naysayers of the infallible nature of the hanging chad, the miniscule scrap of paper that spawned thousands of Capitol Steps send-ups and MAD TV skits? Fraud and errors are just as common with physical voting as digital voting.In a country where we can't even get half the population to cast a vote for their elected leaders, we desperately need to advance voting technology and increase the ease of access. I think we should go one step f...
More About: Cent , Voting , Drag , Century

I'm Sorry to Break the News to You, But Bob Barker is Way Co
2006-12-02 15:07:44
Now that I've waxed nostalgic on Bob Barker and his impending retirement, it's time for me to note how he is undeniably the coolest 82 year old man on the planet. First off, he gets some heat for dumping some of his Beauties after they got a bit high in the age department (seriously, Janice Pennington was a Barker's Beauty from 1972 to 2000. 28 YEARS! Didn't her wrists get tired from showing all the great prizes with appropriate flair and spunk?) and replacing them with some foxy new meat.Secondly, when Bob was asked by Entertainment Weekly what his most memorable moment in his 35 years of hosting The Price is Right, this was his answer: He said the most memorable moment on the show was when a young female contestant's tube top slipped when she jumped up and down with excitement, exposing both breasts.Yes, in 35 years of producing daily, 2 hour episodes of The Price is Right, Bob Barker's favorite memory is when he got to catch some freebie boobage.Finally, Bob Barker will ...
More About: News , Break , The N , The News

From the Internet That Brought You the Star Wars Kid: Be an
2006-12-02 15:07:44
Unless you haven't looked at a newspaper, a television screen, or yards for the past six months or so, I'm sure you know that today is Election Day, a day of great excitement in the United States. We finally get a chance to exercise the right that thousands of people have fought and died for, and more importantly, we don't have to watch campaign ads anymore after today.Per usual, I encourage all of you to vote, unless you believe in Creationism, in which case I encourage you to sit quietly and let the grown-ups handle things. However, how many of you really know what camp you fall in based on your personal beliefs? Well, worry no longer, the Inter net comes to save the day: You are a Social Moderate (50% permissive) and an... Economic Liberal (23% permissive) You are best described as a: Democrat ...
More About: Star Wars , Wars , War

Goodnight, Sweet Lying Prince
2006-12-02 15:07:44
Be thankful I don't have a day job. As such, I had the rare privilege and pleasure to watch President Bush sweat and mumble incoherently while under fire from a suddenly vigorous press corps after announcing that Defense Secretary Rumsfeld will resign his position. It truly was a thing to marvel at, as all of a sudden the Washington reporters were calling Bush to task on his inconsistencies, none of the least being that he said a week ago that Rumsfeld was here to stay.Please, if you missed it, be sure to find a tape of the press conference, Bush really appears to be blindsided by the Democratic avalanche, as if he never saw it coming. Once again, it proves that blind optimism is not a strategy, and we shouldn't expect our Commander in Chief to simply make decisions and hope things work out for the best.Of course, the only problem with the Democrats taking over the House and seemingly the Senate is that the entire legislative arm is still entirely made up of those damn politic...
More About: Night , Sweet , Prince , Lying , Good

Need a Cubicle? Not Gay? Then We've Got Just the Thing for
2006-12-02 15:07:44
From Wonkette:In our democratic world, leaders can come and go in the flash of an eye. A politician can appear to be on top of the world, steamrolling towards the undying admiration and respect of his constituents, and next thing he knows he is out of a job just because of a little racial slur, sexual scandal, or gross unethical behavior (see: Republicans).With it the business of politics being here today, well-compensated lobbyist tomorrow, there are always the spoils of war to be had after elections. What would you give today to have Walter Mondale's campaign desk phone? How about Teddy Roosevelt's BullMoose monocle? Michael Dukakis's L.A. Lights? Can you even begin to put a price on these souveneirs of the democratic process at work?How about $2600?Yes, for this low, low price, you can be the proud owner of this once-in-a-lifetime memento: actual cubicles used during Rick Santorum's unsuccessful run to be re-elected as PA Senator. Think of all the things you could do ...
More About: Just , Need , Thing , Cubic , Then

Michael Steele vs. Ben Cardin: Puppygate 2006
2006-12-01 17:35:07
Mich ael Steele(The black one.)Ben Card in Loves PuppiesAbstains from Puppies In the race of the vacant Maryland Senate seat, Republican Michael Steele and Democrat Ben Cardin are locked in a brutal battle to prove which of them is slightly less uninspiring. Steele came out swinging with heavy TV circulation and flashy advertisements, and took a strong stand when he vouched for his love of puppies. Cardin responded by saying that loving puppies is not a plan, and if elected Senator, he plans to have a hearing on puppies in an attempt to determine a timeline for loving them.Steele appears to be a bit of a Bush lackey, siding with the embattled President on a number of issues such as a ban on embryonic stem cell research and the war on Iraq. However, Steele is running on the popular "Washington Outsider" platform, stating that both parties are out of whack and we need some fresh blood to "shake Washington up." Cardin is running on a "Boy, Bush sure is evil, huh? Better vote for th...
More About: Gate , Puppy