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HEY!
2007-06-08 21:07:00
THE BLOG HAS MOVED. CLICK HERE FOR NEW BLOG. OR HERE. THIS WILL ALSO WORK. THERE WILL BE NO NEW UPDATES ON THIS BLOG, BUT UPDATES ON THE NEW BLOG WILL CONTINUE AS SCHEDULED, WHICH IS TO SAY NO DEFINED SCHEDULE. BUT YOUR ODDS ARE STILL BETTER THERE THAN HERE. THERE ARE ALREADY NEW AND EXCITING THINGS OVER THERE, SO YOU BEST CHECK IT OUT. END

The Big Thing
2007-05-31 16:53:00
CLICK HERE FOR NEW, IMPROVED MAJORLY ENGLISH OK, you know how I said something big is coming? Well, it's here. Sort of. I'm thinking about switching the blog over to Wordpress, leaving the green pastures of Blogger that have been so good to me for the bright lights and big city of another provider. Sometimes kids just gotta stretch their wings, you know? Also, I couldn't make this blog not
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Something Big Is Coming
2007-05-30 20:04:00
Loyal blog readers, stay tuned. Massive overhaul coming for Majorly English. Get your bookmarkin' fingers ready. Oh, and my apologies to all you misguided Google Image Searchers. This gravy train is about the reach the station.
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As Global as the United Nations, and about as Effective
2007-05-29 22:07:00
I watched some of the Miss Universe Pageant last night. I'm not sure what happened, I saw Mario Lopez and Vanessa Manillowafer reading awkward banter from a teleprompter, and you and I both know that any Mario Lopez banter, awkwardly forced for a paycheck or not, is banter worth paying attention to. That being said, before I knew it, I was taken on a whirlwind journey across the globe as
More About: United Nations , The United Nations , United , Global , Nations

A Blog Introspective
2007-05-29 21:38:00
Sorry for the complete lack of posting in the recent weeks, loyal few. I started a new job, and am currently in the last throes of planning my wedding (you have no idea how exhausting it is to watch your fiancee plan all the important details, while you extensively muse over your 'homework,' trying to decide if the song from Ferris Bueller [the one that goes ooooohhhh, yea...doodoodoo] or ZZ
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Note to Ellen Degeneres: Please Leave the Hips of Our Nation's Housewives
2007-05-29 21:22:00
I’ve got no problems with Ellen Degeneres . She’s more often funny than not in that “neurotic, insecure 6th grade Social Studies teacher” kind of way, and she’s not afraid to be an unabashed lesbian, proudly gripping the waistband of a sensible yet trendy yet flattering pantsuit, casting aside the patriarchal heels of heterosexuality and opting for the comfortable “I am who I am” sneaks. I don’
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More Meat: Jared Fogel, Ex-Pornography Tycoon
2007-05-11 18:53:00
Apparently my attempt to attach a lecherous and skeezy attitude to a presumed innocuous celebrity may not have been that misguided after all. From Best Week Ever: Well, it turns out in college, the All-American Jared was known for something entirely different. According to our source, while studying at Indiana University, Fogle ran a very successful pornography rental company out of his bedroom
More About: Meat , Pornography , Tycoon , Graph

Bill Richardson Has a Sense of Humor, Somehow Reminds Me of Droopy Dog
2007-05-10 20:40:00
Bill Richardson is the governor of New Mexico. He is also running for President of the United States. He won't win, but he probably has every right to hold the position. Maybe he'd make a good Vice President, and then he could be my neighbor. Couldn't be any worse than Dick Cheney. Dude lets his shrubs get out of control, and didn't even send regrets to my block party invitation.
More About: Humor , Sense , Bill Richardson , Humo , Sens

Fire Bad! Except When It's Oh So Good
2007-05-10 19:24:00
This contraption is needlessly complicated, completely pointless and could kill you if you got too close to it. Like the Real World/Road Rules Challenge. Or a shark with a jet pack. Nonetheless, I'm sure the guys who whipped this up are some righteous dudes. It's too bad they're all assuredly dead by now.
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Death Row Inmate Requests Pizza for Homeless As Last Meal
2007-05-10 19:17:00
Actually a pretty cool story out of Tennessee today. Philip Workman, a death row inmate, requested vegetarian pizza for his last meal. However, he wanted the pizza to be given to a homeless shelter. For some reason, the prison denied, but the story apparently got out, and now people from all over the country are donating pizza to homeless shelters in TN. "If this guy wants to show a redemptive
More About: Pizza , Death , Homeless , Requests , Quests

The Terrorists Haven't Won Yet
2007-05-09 16:00:00
Fergie kept it clean, Franklin kept it cool, and the stylin' student body enjoyed an after-school special they'll long remember.And everyone looked terrific.What else would you expect from the West's "most glamorous high school?" Franklin High School students, who have long prided themselves on their fashion sense, recently beat out seven other high schools in the Western U.S. to claim the title
More About: Terrorists , Error , Haven , The Terror

Hey, Let's Take a News Lede Out of Context!
2007-05-08 16:29:00
SALT LAKE CITY -- State Rep. Kerry Gibson hates the idea of a small dog being baked in an oven, but he doesn't think it should be a felony.Awesome.Daily Herald - Gov. to revisit animal cruelty
More About: News , A News , Context , A-News

Bush Calls Queen Old; She'd Be Shocked If She Were Still Alive
2007-05-08 16:03:00
Now that Don Imus is forced to restrict his racial insensitivites towards cab drivers he doesn't tip, and now that Anna Nicole Smith's inevitably doomed child has found a loving home for all of her US Weekly photoshoots, we needed a new non-story to fawn over. If you haven't noticed, the Queen of England has been in the US for a couple of weeks. Nothing says 'hot, hot news' like a pointless
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These Damn Breasts: What Jessica Simpson Has Been Up To?
2007-05-06 15:59:00
Odds that this man now regrets this picture:  1/1 Remember Jessica Simpson ?  The one who wasn't Britney Spears or Christina Aguilera, and the one who was married to the guy who looked like he should be assistant manager at your local Lids? For an all-to-brief period of time, Jessica Simpson and her skeezy husband Nick Lachey captivated people with nothing better to do on their MTV show
More About: Breasts , Damn

Who Is the Ketchup to Brady Quinn's Mustard?
2007-05-03 15:56:00
Care of the sycophants at Kissing Suzy Kolber, I witnessed something that wouldn't make my Top 1000 Things I'd Expect to See Anywhere Ever: Brady Quinn , Quarterback Extraordinaire and Mussed Hair Prodigy, dressed up as an oversized bottle of mustard. See, I told you. I told you straight out what I was talking about, and you're still shocked when you see it. That being said, it's obvious the
More About: Ketchup , Must , Etch

A New Indiana University Study Shows BILL O'REILLY HAS A POOP SMELL
2007-05-02 18:05:00
From Romanesko: An Indiana University study finds that Fox News personality Bill O 'Reilly calls a person or a group a derogatory name once every 6.8 seconds, on average, or nearly nine times every minute during the editorials that open his program each night. Every 6.8 seconds? I don't care how rational you are, you have to almost admire Billdo's work ethic regarding slandering anyone and
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Jared Fogel Pumps Himself Up For His Latest Public Appearance
2007-05-02 16:25:00
Do these pants make me look fat? Haha, I know, it's funny, right? I mean, you're Subway's Jared , and you used to be like super fat. Fat like you lost track of various areas of my body fat. Fat like you could see people shifting uncomfortably when they had an open seat next to them on the bus fat. Stretch marks on your chin fat. But that was old Jared, now you're Subway's Jared, you sexy
More About: Public , Pumps , Appearance , Late

Brady Quinn Delighted to Be Selected By the Browns, Vows Vengeance Against
2007-04-29 17:02:00
Brady Quinn; excited to be a Brown, excited to prove the Browns wrong. After a tense and oftentimes painful first round of the draft, Brady Quinn finally found a home in Cleveland. With the 22nd pick of the draft, the Browns selected the Notre Dame QB after trading their second round and 2007 first round picks to switch places with the Dallas Cowboys. The selection came towards the end of the
More About: Brady Quinn , Vengeance , Brady , Select , Sele

Octopus Creepier in Pieces Than As a Whole
2007-04-27 17:40:00
Now, I consider myself a pretty adventurous eater (I don't even know what's in Buffalo sauce besides buffalo!), but even this would be a challenge for me. I guess I'm just not a huge fan of trying to eat something that fights back. Of course, there is the added bonus of your entree being able to feed itself to you. Take that, you stupid arms!
More About: Hole , Pier , Whole , Piece , Pieces

I Have a Problem With the Charmin Bears
2007-04-27 17:09:00
These commercials have always made me vaguely uncomfortable. Recently, I figured out why. First off, the entire concept of television commercials for toilet paper is off-putting. I don't care that they call it bathroom tissue, it's paper that you use to wipe residue poop from your butthole, and we see it between debate sessions on The View. You can call them Immaculate Wipes for all I care,
More About: Bears , Problem , Harm , Ears , Charm

It Certainly Beats Watching Those Bears Wipe Their Furry Butts on TP (Sorry
2007-04-27 00:50:00
Cha cha cha, my ass.
More About: Bears , Beats , Watching , Butts , Wipe

Dr. Robert Jarvik, Creator of the Jarvik Artificial Heart, Makes Me Kind of
2007-04-26 16:45:00
Dude made a robot heart. The engine that drives this crazy thing called life, the single device that keeps us going every day, allowing us to watch American Idol, organize our bank statements and run through meadows of assorted flowers, he made one. He also creeps me out, big time. You've seen the commercials for Dr. Robe rt Jarvik, creator of the Jarvik artificial heart. He sells us Lipitor,
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Georgetown Decides to Get Physical, Physica-a-a-l-l
2007-04-26 01:05:00
Let me tell you a little bit about my fiancee. She's a grad student at Georgetown , getting her Ph.D. in pharmacology. I don't need to tell you that she's significantly smarter than I am. Well, that's not entirely true: guess which one of us can still sing the entire theme song to Salute Your Shorts (we run, we jump, we swing and play...) [UPDATE: My lovely fiancee decided to continue to
More About: Physical , Cide , Get Physical

Man Tired of Cheerleaders Being Exploited, Cramps in Angry Missive-Writin'
2007-04-25 15:55:00
FBI explores strange letters about cheerleaders on TV Seems there's a Grade-A wackjob somewhere in the Pacific Northwest sending out angry letters to television stations and athletic departments across the country. Some of them even include deadly pesticide, which I presume is super-deadly if a pillbug opens the letter. He's (I'm presuming it's a he, crazy women don't write angry letters, they
More About: Angry , Cheerleaders , Bein , Being , Lead

JACKED UP: For Toddlers!
2007-04-24 22:34:00
Don't worry, he's fine. Except for the 30 stitches he had to get in his head. But really, who didn't manage to cheat death when they were still young enough to hold up their hands and say, "This many!" when asked for their age? I thought it would be a good idea to race my friend down his mile-long gravel driveway on a bike, only to get scared halfway through and slam on the front wheel
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Feliz Naviad. I'd Say More, But I'm Trying To Save Up My Wo
2006-12-13 21:18:01
If you couldn't tell, that was a stirring rendition of the Yule classic, Feliz Navidad, played by a man who tragically was born without vocal chords or a soul. However, I'm not here to talk about sad, empty attempts to gain the attention, nay, the admiration of random sweaty strangers on the Internet by Youtubing their subpar guitar skills into their hearts. As an aside, I would like to lay claim to being the first person to ever verbalize the word "Youtube," so when the Oxford English Dictionary decides that it belongs within its hallowed pages, I better get proper recognition, including but not limited to an oversized novelty check for a predetermined amount and the Oxford English Dictionary Word Selection Process Home Edition. Aside concluded.Feliz Navidad, for those of you who hate Mexicans, means "Merry Christmas" in Spanish. Yes, a song about Christmas named "Merry Christmas" exists, but it's in a foreign language, so that makes it fun and exotic, like when you take Gra...
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Former Michigan Coach Bo Schembechler Dead at 77
2006-12-02 15:07:44
From ESPN.comBo Schembechler, who became one of college football's great coaches in two decades at Mich igan , diedFriday after taping a TV show on the eve of the Wolverines' No. 1vs. No. 2 showdown with perennial rival Ohio State. He was 77.Well, I really don't know how I should feel about this. On the one hand, I was too young to really know anything about Bo Schembechler, and was only familiar with his work after retiring, which in my world mainly consisted of making ridiculous statements against Notre Dame. Also, he is considered a saint of Michigan Football, which doesn't win him any points in my book.On the other hand, a man is dead, and hopefully that life's perspective can be realized beyond the football field. Whether a team he coached beat your team really shouldn't permit you to feel joy at a 77-year old man's passing, especially considering said defeat occurred decades ago.Then again, most discussion of his death is occurring on sports message boards across the coun...
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The Price Will Never Be Exactly Right Again
2006-12-02 15:07:44
Bob Barker to retire from The Price is Right in June after hosting the program for 35 years.It's like finding out that Santa Claus is hanging up the sleigh reigns. Bob Barker, the man who made millions of people lose control over A NEW CAR, rolled out everyone's favorite game, PLINKO!, and made us all scream, "1 dollar, Bob," is calling it quits after 50 years hosting TV game shows and 35 with The Price is Right. It truly is the end of an era.If you saw the advertisments that run during The Price is Right, Wilford Brimley selling diabetes medication, ads for fiber pills, and low-cost life insurance plans, you would think that liver spots and early onset Alzheimer's were prerequisites for watching the show. However, I believe that The Price is Right holds a special place in the heart of every person who ever came down with a nasty 24-hour bug as a child.I remember curling up on my couch as a child, the late morning sun beating through the blinds, my fevered body shivering under...
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"I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus." Either You're Living a L
2006-12-02 15:07:44
Christmas is just around the bend, and if you've been in a mall since the fall equinox, you've no doubt had your eardrums vibrated with the staples of consumerism and pushing people over at Wal-Mart for $99 laptop computers: Christmas songs. Yes, it's the time of year where all people, black and white, rich and poor, Christians and Jews, pull out the dusty old CD's emblazoned with falling snow and proud pines to listen to some great Christmas music.However, sometimes Christmas songs are not all they appear to be. They also can carry a dark side. For example, "I Saw Mommy Kiss ing Santa Claus " tells a story of innocence lost and bitterness gained anew.I'm sure you know it, but this song allows us adults to have a small joke at a child's expense. After sneaking downstairs, the aforementioned child, in this case played by John Cougar Mellencamp, sees his mother kissing Santa Claus. Of course, we recognize that Santa Claus is actually his father, and therein lies the joke. H...
More About: Living , Kissing

If Only Buster Douglas Was Alive to See This
2006-12-02 15:07:44
Boxing News :: Breaking News : Mike Tyson: Fighter, Champ, Male Escort?It's just too easy. Let's do away with pretenses and paragraphs, and just list as many ways this can be worked into a nice little joke.Tyson may make an outstanding prostitute, but some people worry that he may take it on the chin too much.A great endeavor for Tyson, but some people may frown on him taking a dive.Something about nibbling ears.The ladies love when Tyson whispers thweet nothingth in their ears."Iron Mike" doesn't just refer to his punches.Yea, Tyson may service 20 women a day, but Don King then takes like 17 of them.It's not rape if she pays for it.
More About: Buster , This , Live , Bust , Only