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Happy Easter Everyone!
2008-03-21 17:26:00
I am out of here until Tuesday, so Happy Easter Everyone.Enjoy the celebration of when Jesus rose from the grave as a bunny and handed out chocolate to all the non-sinners.

Jennifer Aniston in a Bikini
2008-03-20 19:54:00
I have already posted a Jennifer Aniston tirade today, and I am too tired and sore to come up with another. Anyway, here is Jennifer Aniston in a bikini looking pretty damn good for 40!
More About: Bikini

Kim Kardashian's Easter Lingerie Party
2008-03-20 19:45:00
It just wouldn’t be Easter without a lingerie party. Or at least that is what is says under rule 3 of the “Kardashian Life Handbook”. What better way to celebrate the death and rise of the Lord, our saviour, than dancing the night away in your lingerie. Forget chocolate and bunnies, this is how the real believers do it.I was supposed to go to a lingerie party this weekend myself, but unfortunately I was banned for life last year after I showed up in a tuxedo made of chocolate. Turns out that when chocolate is dry it can crack and fall off in chunks. Management was not too happy to sweep up the trail of chipits that fell off my ass. Although I was pretty drunk, so I only hope those were chipits ...
More About: Party , Lingerie

Jennifer Aniston can Control Time!
2008-03-20 15:36:00
I have always suspected that celebrities have super-powers. How else can one person command over one million dollars for 22 minutes of work? Jennifer Aniston is one of the celebrities I have always thought must have some sort of extra talents. I mean she doesn’t offer much in the way of acting ability, and if it weren’t for that body her career would probably have to have been in radio. As it turns out, her ability is time travel and eternal youth. That is the only way to explain how a 40 plus year old woman could look like a 14 year old boy from the 1970’s.I jest – these are actually screen shots from her upcoming film “Marley & Me” co-starring Owen Wilson. IMDB.com describes it as “A family learns important life lessons from their adorable, but naughty and neurotic dog”. It used to be that once you start acting in movies with animals, it was a signal that your career was over. The way I see it, there are only 2 things that could make this movie good: first, the dog...
More About: Time , Control

Tara Reid and her Futuristic Bikini
2008-03-20 04:34:00
I really hope that we are not looking at the future of bikinis here. Now Tara Reid (to my knowledge) has never been a particular fashion trend setter, but who knows if this will catch on. Putting on a nice bikini and then covering your body in some sort of scarf is kind of like listening to an audio tape recording of a porno movie.On a more positive note, Tara Reid looks pretty good here. Maybe she is covering up the bad parts, who knows? All I have seen in the last 6 months is pasty pale people carrying winter weight dressed in sweaters and parkas. Right now a little skin is enough to make me pop the stitching in my 501s. Who am I kidding with Levi’s, I wear an old t-shirt and grey sweat pants with a yoghurt stain on the leg … at least I hope that is yoghurt …
More About: Bikini , Futuristic

Heather Mills Can do great things with a Bowling Shoe!
2008-03-19 17:06:00
So it would seem that the Heather Mills / Paul McCartney divorce is final, with a final settlement of about $50 Million.A document released by the Family Court said the judge awarded Mills a lump sum of $33 million plus the assets she currently holds worth $15.6 million. "I'm so, so happy with this," Mills told reporters following the closed hearing.Being an internet connoisseur, I know that amputee sex is coveted and rare, but I can’t believe it is worth $50 Million. Maybe I am wrong about its value, but amputees are not my fetish – I prefer fat hairy women dressed up in Sesame Street costumes. Still, for $50 Million I think I would cut off my leg and marry Paul McCartney for 5 years. And if I had $50 Million, I guarantee that I would not be photographed in clothes that look like they are made from old rental bowling shoes.
More About: Great , Things , Bowling , Shoe

Scary Spice Bikini A-Go-Go!
2008-03-18 17:02:00
It’s been a few weeks since I blogged about a Spice Girl, or posted any Spice Girl related news. This isn’t really news, but here are some pictures of Melanie Brown (a.k.a. Scary Spice ) on vacation with her husband, Stephen Belafonte, in Miami.Maybe I am out of touch, but didn’t she just have Eddie Murphy’s baby? I guess Eddie’s baby-daddy money is being well spent on vacations and plastic surgery. Not that I am complaining, because her body looks pretty good for a 56 year old. I guess there just wasn’t enough left over to do something about her face …
More About: Bikini

Madonna is about to be Single - Hide your Penis
2008-03-18 13:56:00
Well, as I predicted, Madonna and her husband Guy Ritchie are breaking up."She has finally made the decision to go to America and has instructed her staff to prepare for the move. Everything will go—except Guy." Friends say Madonna, 49, is now in talks with her PR team to see how the move will affect her career, which has netted her a £220 million fortune and secured her as one of the world's most famous female singers. I am sure she will be ok since she is worth about ½ a billion dollars. With that kind of money I am sure she can still find the occasional date. I know that I would take the moral high-ground, but I am sure someone will sleep with her, possibly on a bet. And failing that, there is still plenty of alcohol left in the world, and a new batch of college freshmen every year to drink it. You heard it here first: Madonna College Tour starting September 2008!
More About: Single , Penis , Hide

Catherine Zeta Jones might be a robot ...
2008-03-17 13:13:00
Maybe it is just a theory, but I have for a long time suspected that Catherine Zeta Jones might be a robot. Her classic good looks seems to be everlasting, and the fact that she has been married to Michael Douglas for so long must be some sort of programming loop … what I am saying here is that she is no learning computer.Long story short, my Catherine Zeta Jones is a robot theory seems to be bearing some fruit. Just this weekend a Sand crawler full of Jawas pulled up outside my sand hut and sure enough there was a R2 Zeta Jones unit among the available droids. Of course I bought her and a few hundred space creds seemed like a good deal at the time. But “caveat emptor”, it turned out she had a bad motivator and didn’t speak Bocce. So it's off to the spice mines of Kessel with her …
More About: Robot , Catherine Zeta-Jones

Christiane Plante - Brooke Hogan's ex-friend and the Hulkster's lover
2008-03-15 04:26:00
You would think I would have learned by now – be careful what you wish for. In what I thought was a whimsical pondering I asked the general populace what Hulk Hogan’s lover girl Christiane Plante looked like. And well, here is the answer ...Actually the most shocking part of this is that Christiane Plante is 33, and not in her 20’s as I had first speculated. I suppose it is a sign that the Hulkster’s fame might be fading, but still, not bad for a 70 year old. Well the Hulkster isn’t actually 70, he just looks it. Now I am not saying that steroids will age you prematurely, it’s just that steroids age you prematurely. That, and they shrink up the family jewels like sun ripened tomatoes.
More About: Lover , Friend , Brooke

Lucy Liu - Dai, this one's for you ...
2008-03-14 13:27:00
This might not make a lot of sense, so bear with me. First, as I mentioned earlier this week, I seem to have some divine power that allows me to mention a celebrity in this blog and then they are all over the news. Second, it is Dai’s birthday and I am way too poor to get him anything. So, voila, Lucy Liu ! By this time next week she should be all over the news.On top of my divine powers, I have also discovered this week that when you mix NyQuil with DayQuil and Diet Mr. Pib, you get some sort of hallucinogen. Right now having mentioned Lucy Liu, I can see her performing some sort of strange whip burlesque dance with Cameron Diaz and Drew Barrymore … oh wait, that’s just a re-run of Charlie’s Angels 2 on Movie Max. Darn – I was just going to blog about Kim Kardashian, Victoria Beckham and Jennifer Love Hewitt and succumb to my own erotic fantasy until we hit the dinner buffet.Ah, Dinner. The perfect break between work and drunk!

Hulk Hogan moves on (with Brooke Hogan's friend) ...
2008-03-12 18:21:00
First your wife leaves you, and then you get your name dragged thought the mud in the Enquirer for seeking a little companionship and support in the arms of another woman."My relationship with Terry ("Hulk " Hogan) began at a time when Terry and Linda privately knew their marriage was ending. She had left him already, although no official papers had been filed. Terry is a good man, good father and a good friend, and he and I grew close at a time when he was going through a very difficult period. It seemed right then, but I know it was wrong.Having felt the guilt and pain build up, I gave a note to Brooke apologizing for my actions. I will never be able to fully forgive myself for this. I have lost an amazing friend." - Christiane PlantePoor Hulkster. Wait a minute what am I saying. The guy has millions of dollars, legions of fans and now he is hitting it with his daughters 20-something friends. I would say that is almost as impressive as body slamming Andre the Giant at Wrestlemania ...
More About: Brooke Hogan , Friend , Hulk Hogan , Moves

Kathy Griffin proves I can tell the future ...
2008-03-12 13:11:00
Maybe it’s the excessive amount of cold medication I am taking, or maybe it truly is a divining power, but it seems that as soon as I mention a celebrity in this blog, they do something to merit a story in the real news. Last week I mentioned Kathy Griffin in passing, and recently the New York Daily News did a story about her:Kathy Griffin performed the wedding ceremony for a New York couple on Saturday. Kathy became an ordained minister over the Internet and flew out from Los Angeles to marry Brian Ankstey and Elsa Shapiro.Griffin's 10-minute service was peppered with blue language and X-rated jokes about the couple's sex life. She also made the bride recite the menu for the reception. “What did you get for the boring vegetarians and vegans?" Griffin wanted to know. "They're such a pain at these things." - NY Daily NewsI think this is something I should start charging for. Agents and publicists get 10-15%, so why shouldn’t I get a small cut. Nothing big … even just a can...
More About: Future , The Future

Madonna is devoted to her marriage
2008-03-11 16:33:00
It was recently reported that Madonna is planning to renew her wedding vows to Guy Ritchie. According to a source:”The simple truth is that Madonna wants to have the ceremony to make it very clear to Guy, once again, that she loves him and that he's not just an entry on her list of priorities, he's actually on top of that list.The ceremony is not only a grand gesture showing Guy just how committed she remains to making their marriage work, but also she wants their children to know the same thing. She wants them to be secure in the knowledge that career does not come first for her, they do."200 blog posts and this is the first time I am doing Madonna. Maybe it’s prophetic because eventually everyone gets around to doing Madonna. Ok, that might be a cliché that was buried back in the 1990’s since she got married and became MILF Madonna, but this is the woman that did Vanilla Ice, Denis Rodman and released a picture book about it. Her devotion to anything last about as long as...
More About: Marriage

Mariah Carey wants you to touch her body
2008-03-11 14:07:00
I have been a Mariah Carey fan since I was about 14 years old. Now, don’t get me wrong, I do not own any of her albums, and I don’t think I could even name any of her older songs. But I caught the video for “Touch My Body ” on the weekend. Wasn’t Mariah Carey the "virgin until I am married" pop love song Diva? It’s not that I mind, but when did she turn into a "flesh for fans" pop star?I am sure there are a lot of people out there who think the trend of the last 10 years (the physical exploitation of young girl pop stars in order to sell records) is wrong. I just think it is the free-market economy. With porn easily accessible on the internet and strip clubs on every corner, what did you expect? I don’t pay 80 bucks a month for cable to see Nell Carter in a Muumuu belting out church tunes … that’s what radio is for. So enjoy this video for what it is – auditory masturbation!

Anna Friel has it rough, no seriously!
2008-03-10 13:55:00
Anna Friel, the British actress, who stars in hit US TV show 'Pushing Daisies', admits her stunning looks attract far too much unwanted attention and that is bombarded by "weird" fan letters. "I don't really think about being a fantasy object. I'd only think about it if I got weird things through the post. There was a guy who sent me a photograph of his bedroom and it was walls and walls just covered in posters of me. I found that a bit freaky. And asking for knickers is weird too. I get lots and lots of attention. I suppose you have got to look through it and make sure they like you for the right reasons." I know that most of you will never understand what it is like to be a rich Hollywood celebrity. The pressure that is on us is tremendous. Everyday people want to talk to you, women want to sleep with you, other men want to be you – and you have no idea how hard it is to find pants with strong enough pockets to keep the hundred dollars bills from falling out onto the sidewal...
More About: Anna , Anna Friel

Paris Hilton's Amazing Breasts
2008-03-09 23:07:00
I have always been fascinated by a good magic trick, or a cool optical illusion. That is probably why these pictures of Paris Hilton amaze me. How do you get something where there was nothing before? I know a good push-up bra with some inserts can create the illusion of large breasts, but Paris Hilton’s breasts defy explanation. Paris herself seems to be amazed by them.I think it is time to start a similar trend for men. That is why I am encouraging all men out there to proudly display some testicular cleavage. Hike your balls up over the waist band of your jeans. Give them a haircut. Put some of that sparkly stuff on them. Do whatever you can to draw attention to your balls. Testicular cleavage will be the male fashion trend for 2008 - and it feels great to finally say “Hey lady, my eyes are up here!”
More About: Amazing , Breasts

Kate Hudson's thong is just like her Mom's
2008-03-08 16:08:00
As a contributing member of the internet community, I feel it is my duty to ponder over the questions that have plagued man-kind since the beginning of time. Is there a God? Why doesn’t rain fall up? Why do hot women date rich guys? You know, things of that nature. These recent pictures of Kate Hudson in a bikini have raised another tricky one … who has the hottest butt, Kate Hudson, or her mom, Goldie Hawn?In some ways I feel as if my life has come full circle just pondering this enigma. When I was a younger man, Goldie Hawn was my older woman fantasy, now as an older man man, Kate Hudson is the object of my younger woman fantasies. Sometimes the circle of life can boggle the mind. Then sometimes you just have to let it all go and bask in the glory of your surroundings. Life is a mystery.Do these riddles have answers? Do they need them? Does this post have a point, or is it just an opportunity for me to show some gratuitous semi-nudity in order to increase my readership? Who kn...
More About: Thong

Rihanna wants to harvest your organs
2008-03-08 15:39:00
The singer (Rihanna ) recently brought attention to New Yorker Lisa Gershowitz-Flynn, who suffers from leukemia and needs a bone marrow transplant to survive. The Umbrella singer began a media campaign asking for donors. When a story ran in People magazine, more than 5 000 readers offered to become organ donors. Flynn wrote an email to Rihanna thanking her for bringing attention to her case.source:sympatico.msnThis reminds me of the time I was in Thailand and I got drugged in a bar and woke up in a bath of ice and realized my kidney was missing. Lucky for me it was not sold on the black market, just being held hostage. $150 dollars, some Captain Morgan Rum and a stapler later and I was good as new. True story, I swear!
More About: Harvest , Organs

Kim Kardashian gets work!
2008-03-08 03:15:00
I inferred in a recent post that Kim Kardashian doesn’t work (I also inferred that she craps into shoe boxes, but I digress). I can admit when I am wrong, and I was wrong. It turns out she has a small cameo in an upcoming episode of “Entourage”. You can tell because she has the script in her hand. Now, I am not saying that she is trying to prove she is an actress by carrying a script around, I mean, you see it every day (that is sarcasm, by the way)!This is an encouraging trend. I think that the human race would be better off if we all carried around proof of employment in our hand. For example, I could carry around a laptop computer and leave my fly open to prove that I am a super-stud and a blogger. Sure you might get confused and think I am a three-legged Best Buy clerk, but once you see that all I have in my wallet is a couple of old buttons and my “Official Bikini Inspector” card you would know that I don’t earn an hourly wage … that means you will have to pay for...
More About: Work

Katie "Jordan" Price knows the golden rule!
2008-03-07 17:08:00
This is post number 2 about Katie “Jordan ” Price . I am not posting this because I am a fan, but rather because I think that this is an excellent example of “hang out with less attractive people to make you look better”. Sure, maybe she has gone too far by getting all her friends to dress in lingerie, but it sure gets the point across. I know that I can’t take my eyes off her looking at these pictures, nor do I want to.I follow this rule in my own life. I know what you are thinking - it is hard to find less attractive friends when you are only 4 foot 6, 328 pounds with a hairy back and an eye patch. That’s why I spend a lot of time at the circus. Well, that and my erotic fascination with clowns … and elephants. Mmmmmm ... trunk!
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Trish Stratus is giving me Strausfaction
2008-01-19 12:25:00
I figured I couldn't post about the current reigning round-butt Queen without a post about the former round-butt Queen. Trish Stratus was a fitness model, then a "wrestler" in the WWE. She is a tough chick, and she is Canadian - so you know she gets a little freaky-deaky under the covers!I really don't know how to decide who has the more epic butt between Trish Stratus and Vida Guerra, so I will have to propose some sort of competition. Maybe take them to the beach, have them bend over and grab their ankles while holding a stick between their butt cheeks - then we can see which ass-sundial keeps better time! Ok, maybe that won't prove anything, but it sounds like a fun afternoon.
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Vida Guerra brings back my Sanity
2008-01-18 12:14:00
The last few days have been a whirlwind of Britney Spears battling with her sanity, Jennifer Love Hewitt’s ever changing hotness, Spice Girls craziness, and a non stop orgy of Mexican food and Vodka.Now it is Friday and I want to start the weekend off right for everyone, so here is something you can always count on – Vida Guerra ’s ass. Look at that thing; it could never let you down … serenity now, serenity now ...My anaconda don't want noneUnless you've got buns, hunYou can do side bends or sit-ups,But please don't lose that butt
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Jennifer Love Hewitt is going to make me cry!
2008-01-17 17:19:00
Jennifer Love Hewitt continues to baffle my mind (or maybe I am just not smart enough to understand how this works), but how can you go from HOT to NOT so quickly and so often? Take, these recent publicity stills for "Ghost Whisperer" for example. In the white dress with cleavage, HOT! Then, for some reason, she changes into a purple velvet dress made from the curtains in my Grandma's living room ...Days like these make me ask myself "What would Jesus do?", so I am off to the kitchen to pour myself an 8oz glass of Tequila and watch some M*A*S*H re-runs. Sometimes the best choice is get drunk and wait until tomorrow.
More About: Jennifer Love Hewitt , Jennifer , Make

Victoria Beckham gets groped on stage?!
2008-01-16 02:21:00
Place: the Spice Girls show in London Januay 7, 2008What: Victoria Beckham 's breast being grabbed by Melanie BrownEither the new Spice Girls tour is the Greatest Tour in the History of the Earth, or Mel B was covering up a wardrobe malfunction. Who has the pictures from about 5 seconds BEFORE this one??By the way, Mel B was treated for a minor nipple related injury to her right hand and released.
More About: Stage

Britney Spears - the fake news Update
2008-01-15 11:18:00
"The court upheld an order barring Britney Spears from seeing her sons, leaving the boys in the sole care of Kevin Federline. Britney Spears' visiting privileges were revoked earlier this month, after she refused to turn two-year-old Sean Preston and 16-month-old Jayden James over to Kevin Federline at the appointed time, leading to a three-hour showdown with police and emergency medical technicians." (source: E! Online).Hey, court dudes! Take a look at these pics - either it's really cold in Los Angeles, or Britney Spears might be smuggling her kids out under her shirt!
More About: News , Update , Fake

Britney Spears breaks out the Daisy Dukes
2008-01-15 11:10:00
While every other celebrity blog on the Internet focuses on Britney Spears legal problems, I am going to dedicate myself to reporting on her fashion choices. Why, because it's more fun, and I don't actually have to follow the real news story - if you can call it news.Britney Spears has decided that either it is 1986 again, or that Daisy Duke shorts are back in style. Don't get me wrong, I love Daisy Duke style jean shorts. To me they have never gone out of style. In fact, I am wearing a pair of cutoffs right now. I am also drinking a double mocha espresso with 2oz of Vodka. Wait a minute, maybe I am Britney Spears?
More About: Breaks , Daisy Dukes

Jessica Simpson gets Romo ready ...
2008-01-13 12:17:00
Tony Romo (Dallas Cowboys) spent his week off vacationing with Jessica Simpson in Mexico. If Dallas loses tomorrow, it will just go to prove that Jessica Simpson is bad luck. Everything Jessica Simpson touches these days seems to fail miserably. If I were Tony Romo I wouldn't let her anywhere near my penis - but I am not Tony Romo!Tony Romo is so goofy looking with those big ears it's like he is a football playing Mickey Mouse. So how how does he get a hot woman like Jessica Simpson while I am dating "five-finger Suzy"? I'm not saying that being a rich and famous sports figure will get you hot women, but being a rich and famous sports figure will get you hot women.UPDATE: Seems my prediction is true and Dallas is out of the NFL playoffs. No need to call me a savant, just send me money!
More About: Ready

Alyssa Milano Gets it on with Earl
2008-01-12 01:06:00
As promised, here is Alyssa Milano from (most recently) My Name is Earl . I am really looking forward to seeing a lot more of her on this show. I don't necessarily mean screen time as much as I mean in fetish outfits and cleavage revealing shirts.I don't know if it is because of all the hot ladies I have been blogging, or if it is because of a few months of slow time in my own personal life, but I am starting to feel a bit like Keanu Reeves in the "adult relationship" Matrix - I am realizing that maybe ... There is no 'poon.

Nadine "Catalina" Velazquez works the Chubby Club
2008-01-11 12:25:00
Keeping with the "My Name is Earl" theme, this is Nadine Velazquez. In a show that continues to make stars out of nobodies, Catalina is a stand-out, especially since her return to work at "Club Chubby" which means the bulk of her on-screen time is in skimpy outfits, jumping around. The latest episode also saw the return of Alyssa Milano ... could she be blogged again soon? Stick around, cause who knows?Is it just me, or is Hispanic the new blond? It seems that most of the emerging sex symbols (both male and female) in the last 10 years have been Hispanic ... JLo, Enrique Iglesias ... um, maybe that's it? Not that it matters to me - I have always been a fan of the Taco! Where's my burrito?
More About: Works