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The Hot Hot Hot - Hot Pictures of Hot Celebrities

The Hot Hot Hot - Hot Pictures of Hot Celebrities
Tearing down the wall between regular people and Celebrities. Testosterone and booze feuled rantings of an adolecent in a middle-aged mans body.
Articles: 1, 2, 3


Jessica Simpson continues to work hard
2008-04-11 14:06:00
Here is Jessica Simpson hard at work again. I sure wish I had someone to do my hair and makeup. Truth is, I haven’t changed my clothes in 3 days and I am pretty sure there is still some scotch tape and Christmas wrapping somewhere in my hair from when I passed out drunk while wrapping gifts in December. When I was building the cardboard box I live in, I had to choose between a T1 internet line and a shower, and I stand by my decision.Speaking of work, I am developing a new Martial Art. I was thinking about it, and practicing fighting really isn’t that important for most people, so I figured I should design something around moves we all use every day. So this art is designed around the techniques used during masturbation. I call it Waq Mi Wang Do!
More About: Work , Hard
Kim Kardashian and the space age Bikini!
2008-04-11 13:59:00
It seems like a long time since I blogged about Kim Kardashian . I imagine she has been busy though since she seems to have invented some sort of new fangled bathing suit. From the looks of it, this suit is made from space age fibres designed to mould and contain any excess flesh that would protrude from a normal bathing suit. That or her body is some sort of miracle of nature.It’s actually pretty hypocritical of me to even infer that Kim Kardashian is fat. Not that men are judged by the same yardstick, but it would take 2 of those bathing suits just to cover one of my ass cheeks (and there would still be the issue or errant ass hair, but that is a discussion for another post). Actually I just tease Kim Kardashian because I am secretly in love with her ... and I have the emotional IQ of a 6 year old ...
More About: Space , Bikini
Watch out or Madonna will get ya!
2008-04-10 15:33:00
"I really was not getting up to much. I don't think I was as naughty as I could have been. I was quite straight. I was a geek when I was that age. I did not really do that much that was interesting.” – Madonna to FemaleFirstSo let me summarize for you:When I was young and still sort of hot I wasn’t really getting any. Now that I am one of the most famous women in the world, I can score with whomever I like, no matter how nasty and scraggly I get. And, now that I am getting divorced, no penis will be safe from my sex reign of terror.Anyone know where I can buy a locking cod-piece?
More About: Watch
Jessica Simpson in a wet dress (I need a cold shower)
2008-04-10 12:56:00
This post is getting me all muddled up on the inside. It’s Jessica Simpson , which is good! It’s Jessica Simpson in a tight wet dress, which is also good! It’s Jessica Simpson pretending to shave, which is good? Wait, that’s bad. But she also appears to be nude, which is good! But she borrowed the razor that I just used to shave my legs ... wait, that’s just confusing ...I am not one who generally feels sympathy for the tough life of a Hollywood star, but if you look closely at these pictures you will note that Jessica Simpson is obviously posing under some very cold water. My physics is rusty, but I just checked over my old notes and:So I am guessing that water is about 56F. Ironically, that is right about the same temperature as the shower I am going to need to take to stop the blood from pooling in my genitals ...
More About: Cold , Dress
THE Scarlett Johansson Hot Nurse pic!
2008-04-09 17:30:00
Here is a sneak peak at Scarlett Johansson in a nurse’s outfit (and another picture because she deserves at least 2). Apparently this is the costume for her role in Frank Miller's adaptation of "The Spirit" as Silk N. Floss. Since I don’t read anything except Playmate stats I am assuming that The Spirit is some sort of play or book. Also - and remember, I am just guessing here - it has something to do with smoking hot fetish nurses ... but I have been known to be wrong ...Enjoy this picture while it lasts, as other websites have been forced to remove it. Of course, not many people read this site, and I NEVER check my e-mail. It’s like a secret weapon that I have - only much less spectacular or impressive ...
More About: Nurse
Joan Rivers hates Victoria Beckham (and no one cares)
2008-04-09 12:32:00
THE mean Queen of the Hollywood screen, actress and comedian Joan Rivers , has lashed out at the wife of one of the world's hottest men, labelling her "arrogant". Rivers has publicly slammed Posh Spice - Victoria Beckham - for her arrogance.The 74-year-old actress and comedian said: "I dislike Victoria Beckham. The entitlement - the total entitlement. You want to say: Calm down, you were a Spice Girl. The arrogance when she walks into a room is astonishing." – The Daily TelegraphI was getting so tired of the Hollywood in-fighting between young A-listers like Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton. Finally it looks like we have a star battle I can get into. Victoria Beckham vs. Joan Rivers is the Hollywood equivalent of Mike Tyson vs. Muhammad Ali. One is a “has-been” and the other is … you know to finish that sentence and compare Joan Rivers and Muhammad Ali would be an insult to the greatest boxer that ever lived …Anyways, turns out that after ...
Godfather Part 6: Tom Cruise and Jennifer Lopez’s kids
2008-04-08 14:44:00
"Tom is delighted. Marc Anthony wasn't sure if it was a good idea to have a Scientologist as the kids' godfather, especially as he and Jennifer are both Catholic. But in the end Jennifer managed to convince him to agree." - BANG MediaApparently Tom Cruise spent $200,000 on designer christening outfits for Max and Emme (J.Lo’s babies), ordered a giant fish tank for their nursery and gave them complete Disney DVD box sets. Also, Tom and his wife Katie Holmes planned to host a star-studded $200,000 'Welcome to the World' themed-party for the twins. Now I am not here to decide what Scientology is or isn’t. I am also quite comfortable in my own belief that all actions on this planet are determined by “Magnetotron”, a giant subterranean Tungsten-based life-form that pulls all object towards the center of the earth with his many invisible tentacles (take that, Isaac Newton). All I am saying is that for about $500,000 Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes could be my Godparents. I might e...
More About: Kids , Part
Ryan Reynolds gets Scarlett Johansson's milk for free!
2008-04-08 14:07:00
Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds ' relationship is reportedly on the rocks. The 23-year-old star feels she is too young to settle down and wants to concentrate on her career. A source said: "Scarlett and Ryan have hit a rough patch after he dared to broach the subject of marriage and kids. Scarlett is younger and has no desire for a husband or family just yet. Scarlett hasn't moved in full-time. She has just moved in so when she stays over she has some belongings there. She is very much focused on her career and is filming three movies back-to-back this year." BANG MediaThis is definitely a story to watch, but I am not really sure who I should be rooting for. One the one hand, if Scarlett Johansson is single that means I have a shot. On the other hand, Ryan Reynolds hitting it with Scarlett Johansson somehow feels like a big victory for all Canadians.Wait a minute … Scarlett does not want to get married, but keeps stuff at Ryan’s house for when she stays over. So Ryan Reyno...
More About: Free , Milk
Fergie Gives something back to American Idol
2008-04-07 18:45:00
Fergie is one of the special guests on this year's “Idol Gives Back ” Fundraiser. I am not sure exactly what she is doing to raise funds, but since it involves wearing skin tight patent leather pants, I think it might be a charity I can support ...IDOL GIVES BACK will raise awareness and funds to benefit six charities. including: the Children's Defense Fund, The Global Fund, Make It Right, Malaria No More, Save The Children, U.S. Programs and the Children's Health Fund.This year's event, beginning at a special 7:30 PM start time, will be bigger and more ambitious than ever. Robin Williams, Celine Dion, Forest Whitaker, Billy Crystal, Dane Cook, Kiefer Sutherland, Vanessa Hudgens, Ashley Tisdale, Jennifer Connolly, Elliott Yamin, Fantasia and Amy Adams join previously announced international talent and sports figures Bono, Brad Pitt, Reese Witherspoon, Miley Cyrus, Mariah Carey, Eli Manning, Peyton Manning, Fergie, Chris Daughtry, Carrie Underwood, Annie Lennox, John Legend, S...
More About: American Idol , Fergie , American
Hulk Hogan is still my Hero!
2008-04-07 17:49:00
Somewhere in Miami Florida …“Hey Hulk ster, baby. Let me show you what a real woman can do for a man like you. You know … s-e-x-u-a-l-l-y!” “You know what, brother, all those years of steroids may have left me with these 24 inch pythons, but it has also left me impotent, sterile, flaccid and shrivelled.”“Oh Boo Hoo. I was hoping to date someone famous rather than have to rely on my own talents and personality. I wonder if Gary Coleman is still single.”Meanwhile, back in Hollywood …“Where all the white women at?”Stay tuned for the continuing adventures of “The Hulk, the woman and the dwarf”!
More About: Hulk Hogan , Hero , Hogan
Natalie Portman got nude and no one cared ...
2008-04-05 17:35:00
"Sex is an important part of our lives. I'm not a prude - I am really fond of love scenes, especially beautiful, touching ones. But I don't grant anyone permission to take advantage of me, or my body, like that. That's why I don't want to do such scenes." Natalie Portman , Elle CanadaI have to admit, Natalie Portman’s nude scene in “Hotel Chevalier” went completely beneath my radar. Maybe it’s because I don’t consider Star Wars Episodes 1-3 to be worth watching, or maybe it’s because I don’t have a fetish for midgets built like a 2 by 4, I don’t know, I don’t spend much time in self analysis.I am sure talking smack about Natalie Portman will incur the wrath of all the 16 year old Star Wars nerds who weren’t even born when “Return of the Jedi” was in theaters. Not that I am worried – I may be a fat lazy blog slob, but I do weigh over 350 pounds and could probably crush 3 or 4 nerds at a time with my overly developed typing hand. Squished like bugs I tell ...
Beyonce and the Day the Music Died
2008-04-05 17:26:00
According to media reports, hip-hop mogul Jay-Z and singer-actress Beyoncé Knowles married Friday, April 4 in New York.Wedding rumours had been circulating since Tuesday, April 1 when media reports stated that the couple had obtained a marriage license in New York, giving them a 60 day window to marry. This was followed by reports of Jay-Z throwing a bachelor party after a concert in Toronto.Jay-Z, 37, whose real name is Shawn Carter, and Beyoncé, 26, have been romantically linked since 2002. – Sympatico/MSN NewsIt is now official - April 4th is the day the music died. Sure the two of them may have some sort of uber-talented super rap babies, but it’s hard to think about new life right now when I am dead inside.So here is Beyonce , walking away from me. My heart is shattered as she walks off into the distance. Be free pretty bird ... fly, fly away ...
More About: Music , Died , The Music
The Greatest Job in the World? Gisele Bundchen's ass-prep guy
2008-04-04 14:12:00
I know a lot of you probably think that being the author of this blog is the greatest job in the world. Honestly though, it takes a lot of hard work and inspiration (and by “hard work” I mean clicking and by “inspiration” I mean booze) to keep coming up with things to write about day after day. However after many years of soul-searching, I think I have finally found my calling - Gisele Bundchen’s ass-prep guy!It looks like a lot of hard work chasing after a half-naked supermodel just to powder her ass and make sure it is clear of blemishes, but that is a sacrifice that I am willing to make. If there is one thing I believe in it’s that the butt must be presented in its most flawless form. One look back at my Janice Dickenson posts will tell you why. So Gisele, if you are hiring (or if Victoria’s Secret needs a stand by guy for their fashion shows) my phone line is open. The best time to contact be is between 2pm and 3pm … after I wake up, but before I start drinking ...
More About: World , The World , Greatest , Prep
Happy Birthday Jamie-Lynn Spears!
2008-04-04 13:34:00
Alright, here is another birthday shout-out. Jamie-Lynn Spears turns 17 today. That’s right, 17 and pregnant! Who knew that Jamie-Lynn would turn out to be more of a trailer park stereotype than her sister Britney?"I would like to be like Britney, but maybe better, but I don't wanna outshine her." Jamie-Lynn SpearsYou know what they say, you can take the girl out of the trailer park, but you can’t take the trailer park out of the girl.
More About: Happy , Birthday , Happy Birthday
Beyonce to Marry Jay-Z tomorrow
2008-04-03 20:47:00
According to a report from FemaleFirst, the singer will be taking the plunge tomorrow afternoon (April 4) with rapper Jay-Z in New York City. The couple, who has been dating for 6 years, obtained their marriage license Tuesday (April 1). A source explained, "It was just the two of them. They were very polite and smiling as they filled out the paperwork. They were holding hands for a while. They looked really happy." - Sympatico Music NewsWell, my day is officially ruined. Here I was, happily blogging about Mr.T and Alec Baldwin and I learn that Beyonce will marry Jay-Z, possibly tomorrow (April 4th). I would leave right now to stop the wedding, but I don’t think I can get to New York in time since I only have 53 cents and a 1976 Schwinn 3 speed. I guess I will just put on a black t-shirt and sit quietly in the dark listening to Destiny’s Child and drinking bathtub Gin.It may only be 2pm, but good night all!
More About: Tomorrow , Marry
Happy 50th Alec Baldwin!
2008-04-03 20:35:00
So I was talking to my buddy Harry Balzack the other day and he said to me “Why don’t you do another birthday tribute?" So I was thinking to myself, who is most deserving of a non-sensical birthday post? Then it came to me, and it was so obvious! Alec Baldwin - Perhaps the single greatest actor who ever lived. So enjoy!
More About: Happy
Mr. T is Awesome
2008-04-03 15:40:00
There are a lot of pictures in this post because, short of starting to date a Supermodel, this is likely to be my one and only post about the man they call T. Sure I wax nostalgic for the 80’s, but the "T" is timeless. The perfect embodiment of male-ness and attitude, Mr.T has set the bar on manliness for generations.Whether it was music, wrestling, TV, movies or breakfast cereal, there is nothing that Mr.T can’t dominate. Hell, he even beat cancer my threatening it with a beating. In the 80’s he even brought a kid out of a coma by just walking by him! "His family put toys around him and one of them was a Mr. T doll. And whenever my name came up, the boy moved his arm. Somebody told the doctors I was in town, so they called me down there. I closed the curtains and prayed. Then, as I was walking down the hall, the kid suddenly came out of the coma and hollered out. That was my supernatural moment." - Mr.T, Empire MagazineSo how do you like your "T"? With 2 lumps, sucka!
More About: Awesome
Not Janice Dickenson again! Why?
2008-04-02 11:48:00
I know you are all thinking to yourselves: “Not Janice Dickinson again! Why Donkey, why?” Well, there is no easy answer to this. Maybe it’s because I despise you all (I am just kidding, I love you guys), or maybe my eyesight is failing due to excessive huffing of industrial solvents, either way, the Janice Dickenson story must be told.I think what makes this batch of photos even better than the last is the gratuitous bending over and the prominence of that tummy-tuck/cesarean scar. It’s kind of like the cherry on top of a hot fudge sundae ... or at least the crusty skin on top of an over-cooked Rice Pudding ...
Madonna has Smokin Hot Pipes
2008-04-02 11:41:00
There is really only one explanation for these pictures: Madonna is about to be single again and she is trying to get all ripped up and hot for the guys, or the ladies, or whatever type of alien invader that might enjoy a 60 year old woman with arms that would make a bodybuilding crack addict jealous.Now I am not saying that Madonna doesn’t look good, I am just saying that with arms like that I would be avoiding any kind of over-zealous hugging. Actually, with Madonna I think I would try to avoid any type of physical contact whatsoever. Or at least turn the lights off after I spray her down with Lysol … I mean Denis Rodman …
More About: Pipes
101 Kim Kardashian inspired analogies ...
2008-04-01 12:22:00
Like a smack addict seeking out his next fix, it seems I can’t go a week without blogging about Kim Kardashian . Like a blood-thirsty tick, she has dug herself under my skin. There is just something about Kim Kardashian makes me feel like I have an itch that I can’t scratch … like genital herpes. Maybe it’s just that her boobs and ass are digging their way into my brain like some sort of “Wrath of Kahn” earwig. I really don’t know what it is, but suddenly I want to play volleyball …Ok, that’s enough of that. I feel like Mr. Analogy today. There is just something about a good analogy that makes you feel as satisfied as that first bite of pizza when you are really hungry. A good analogy just flows out of you like a cold glacial mountain stream. You feel it welling up inside of you like hot magma in old Mt. Vesuvius just waiting to blow out all over the page like testicular discharge over Kim Kardashian’s Playboy pictorial.See, if you wait long enough, eventually I g...
More About: Inspired , Analogies
Janice Dickenson is DAMN sexy ... April Fools!!!
2008-04-01 12:20:00
Every once in a while, you have to cleanse the palette. Whether its water after wine or chocolate after a beer, sometimes you just have to do something to return to a more neutral base, or the good stuff just doesn’t seem so good anymore. Well, enter Janice Dickenson. After months of good looking people, this should shock you enough to bring you back to reality … kind of like a photographic kick in the danglers!Now I am not saying that Janice Dickenson isn’t attractive. She looks great for 78. I think the combination of a man-jaw, fake boobs and skin that looks like a wet bed sheet dropped on a floor could be the next big thing. All I know is that I hope I look that good when I am 32.
More About: April , Sexy , Damn
Sarah Larson puts nasty stuff in her mouth (including George Clooney)!
2008-03-31 14:48:00
At what point does this kind of stuff just become freaking ridiculous? Sarah Larson, a cocktail waitress whose only claim to fame is winning an episode of “Fear Factor” is now getting press for dating George Clooney … well, dating George Clooney and acting like an idiot at parties.I suppose I can understand her allure in a sick sort of way. In order to win Fear Factor, she had to:“… drink cocktails made with disgusting food items. These included Spider Cider, consisting of Egyptian spiders, red worms, and super worms; The Cow's Blood Bloody Mary; The Scorpion Martini consisting of blended scorpions and topped with a large dead scorpion; The Fish-Eye Mai Tai consisting red snapper fish eyes and eggs; The Rattlesnake Shooter, a shot consisting of blended habanero peppers and rattlesnake liver; and The Banana Slug Daiquiri, consisting of blended and whole banana slugs.” –TV.comI hope she isn’t serving any of these cocktails to her customers in Vegas, and George Cloone...
More About: Stuff , Mouth
Gisele Bundchen to cleanse the palette
2008-03-29 15:40:00
Much like the aforementioned burritos, my last post left a bad taste in my mouth. Maybe it’s the all night supermodel parties, or maybe it is the declining brain cell count from excessive alcohol consumption, but either way I have been resorting to a lot of toilet humor lately.So, to cleanse my palette and return to my roots, here are some pictures of Gisele Bundchen for no other reason than she is hot. She is also the girlfriend of Tom Brady. Now I am not saying that being a rich and famous football star will get you dates with hot women, but Gisele Bundchen dates Tom Brady. Is that even a punch line? Probably not, but I can’t afford good comedy writers on this wage. So just enjoy the Gisele and keep your yappers shut!
More About: Cleanse , Palette
Hulk Hogan shows off his guns
2008-03-29 15:22:00
Writing this story about Hulk Hogan make me feel kind of like I am chronicling the decline of an American institution. The last year has been tough on the Hulkster – his wife leaving him, dating his daughter’s friend, and now with his declining physique, having to wear t-shirts with a gun printed on them that would be better suited to a 16-year old with an inferiority complex and a bad attitude. It’s a long fall for the man who once body-slammed the 500 pound Andre the Giant.I guess, who am I to talk? While Hulk Hogan ’s fame may no longer afford him the luxury of dating lingerie models, she is definitely a lot better looking – and probably livelier – than the Haines Tube sock that I am dating. Of course I never achieved the kind of career pinnacle of the Hulkster. While I may never have body-slammed a 500 pound man, this one time I did eat 378 Burrito Supremes. Later that night, my colon felt like it had gone through a 17 round title fight with Rocky Balboa!
More About: Guns
Kate Bosworth may not be a Genius
2008-03-28 14:25:00
"Math is my worst subject. Here I get to be a genius. It's not often I'm able to say that." – Kate Bosworth on her role in 21Where would the world be, or more specifically, where would this blog be if Hollywood types didn’t open their mouths and say things like that. Now I am not saying that I expected Kate Bosworth to a card carrying Mensa genius, I just think that you shouldn’t go around advertising you sinapseual misfirings. As good old Honest Abe Lincoln said, “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”I realize the hypocrisy of saying something like that while writing a blog of this type. But this blog isn’t meant to be “smart” or “funny” or “cutting edge”. I am not trying to prove to the world that I am “intelligent”, or “witty”, or “avant-garde”. I don’t “travel in the right circles” or “play well with others”. I’m not “handsome” or “charming” or “clean”. I don’t “use...
More About: Genius
Jennifer Love Hewitt needs cash!
2008-03-28 12:01:00
I feel a little bit like Michael Corleone in Godfather 3, "Just when I thought I was out... they pull me back in." Here I was, happily blogging away for a few months without even mentioning Jennifer Love Hewitt , and then she has to go and do something like this. I mean come on, who uses a bank machine anymore? It's obvious this is just some sort of publicity stunt to get noticed. Well I noticed you Jennifer Love Hewitt. Does that make you happy?I would have thought that at a certain level of fame, you wouldn't need to use a bank machine anymore. Shouldn't she have lackeys* or schleps she can send to buy her stuff, or at least get by on credit? Personally, the only time I use a bank machine is for sudden urinary urges on the walk home after a long night of drinking ... and I'm guessing from the look on her face that the guy before her left a little present in the ATM vestibule ... *Note to Jennifer Love Hewitt: I am available for lackey duty, and you can pay me in bagel-bites and...
More About: Cash
Ashlee Simpson buys Pete Wentz’s hat for a kiss
2008-03-27 13:58:00
Here are some pictures of Ashlee Simpson in Jamaica with Pete Wentz, courtesy (which basically means I stole them) of the UK Sun. Just looking at these pictures fills me with an emotion that I am unable to describe. It’s kind of like shame and loathing combined with euphoria and served warm over ice cream. I think I will name this new emotion Fred.Anyway, Fred and I were down at this bar on 3rd Street having a drink. This bear walks in and says to the bartender, "Give me a beer or I will rip your head off because I am a bear". So the bartender tries to calm his shaking hands and pulls a perfect cold draft beer for the bear. The bear downs the beer with one gulp and says to the bartender, "Give me a shot of whiskey or I will rip your head off because I am a bear". The bartender pulls out a bottle of 18-year old Single Malt scotch and pours the bear a shot. The bear downs the shot in one gulp and says to the bartender, "Give me another beer or I will rip your head off because I am a...
More About: Kiss
Robin Williams is too annoying to live with? No, Really?
2008-03-27 13:18:00
Robin Williams and his wife Marcia Garces Williams, filed for divorce last week. They used the generic “irreconcilable differences” excuse, which either means that Robin Williams had sex with one too many other women, or his income level no longer balanced out his super-annoying personality."The two met when Marcia worked as a nanny for the Oscar-winning actor and his first wife, Valerie Velardi, looking after their son Zachary, now 24. Shortly after his divorce from Valerie, Robin and Marcia tied the knot on April 30, 1989. They have two children, Zelda, 18, and Cody, 16." - Ok! MagazineI know that everyone is beautiful on the inside, and I have also heard it said that beauty is just a light switch away. In addition, I have noticed through life experience that rich guys tend to get really hot women. Ergo, this logic puzzle would lead me to believe that Marcia Garces William is MOLE … moley moley moley moley …
More About: Robin Williams , Live , Robin , Annoying
Keira Knightley turns 23 - Woo Hoo!
2008-03-26 15:24:00
You know what really grinds my gears? When celebrities don’t do anything outrageous for days on end for me to comment on. I don’t know if it is the long winter, or if everyone is still recovering from their Easter hangovers, but it seems as if Hollywood asshole-ery has dried up the last few days … thank god I am making up for it in my own way! Since no stars are crashing cars or heading out in lingerie, I will pretend that Keira Knightley ’s birthday is news. So happy 23rd birthday Keira!If I had a girl like that, I could stop having to make love to broom handles. Now I am not saying that Keira Knightley is skinny, it is possibly that she suffers from too much internal gravity that causes her body to collapse in on itself like some sort of Quasar. So Keira, if you are listening, I would like to take you out for a birthday Big Mac … your treat!
Pamela Anderson's Wedding was a Sham?!
2008-03-25 12:06:00
Rick Salomon agrees in papers responding to a filing by the "Baywatch" actress that the marriage should be annulled because of fraud, though neither set of documents elaborated. - APPoor Pamela Anderson, another failed marriage. Usually these celebrity marriage “frauds” are something to draw attention to yourself to promote a movie or some project. The last thing I have seen Pamela Anderson in (other than late-night Google Searches) is “Blonde and Blonder” … and I think she would want to bury that movie, not promote it. But it seems that Pamela’s choices lately have been questionable. Maybe it is some sort of mental disease? I don’t know, and I am not paid to speculate. Would you really trust the judgement of someone who thinks it is appropriate to wear a towel as clothing??
More About: Wedding , Sham
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