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Farting All The Time
2008-04-07 09:04:00
Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"The Doctor nods, "Hmm."Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?""Hmm," says the Doctor,He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?""No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."
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Bear and Rabbit
2008-04-06 14:24:00
A bear is sitting in the middle of a forest taking the biggest shit of his life and feeling dam good about it. He looks down and sees a rabbit dumping a load right next to him. The bear looks at the rabbit and says, "Hey, uhh Mr. Rabbit, uhh do you have a problem withthe shit sticking to your fur?" The rabbit shakes his head no and says, "Nope, never bothers me." The bear says, "Good!" takes the rabbit and wipes his ass with him and then tosses him aside.
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Better Choice
2008-04-05 09:17:00
A minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips." The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."
More About: Choice

Play Safe
2008-04-04 09:13:00
A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a dept. store and asks -"W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?"The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?"Again, the clerk doesn`t answer him.The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?" And the clerk just seems to ignore him.Finally, the guy is angry and storms off.The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, "why wouldn`t you answer that guy's question?"The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!"
More About: Play , Safe

George Falls in Love
2008-04-03 13:03:00
One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot." "Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her." George was brokenhearted. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half sister too, George. "I'm awfully sorry about this." George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had...
More About: Love , Falls

Glad to be drunk
2008-04-02 12:28:00
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?""Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."
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The Envelopes
2008-04-01 13:45:00
The new manager walks into his office and, while settling into his new desk, finds 4 envelopes. On one he finds the words "open me first," and the other three are numbered 1 to 3. He opens the first envelope and finds a letter from his predecessor saying: "These three envelopes will save you a world of trouble. In case of emergency, please open these envelopes in sequential order; envelope one first, envelope two second, and envelope three third." The manager shrugs, puts the envelopes back, and forgets about them. Six months later, the workers go on strike. The company closes, and is losing money fast. After a long night negotiating with the union, he remembers the 3 envelopes. So he opens the first one and it says: "Blame me, your predecessor for every thing". Wonderful idea he thinks, and indeed it works and the crisis comes to its end. His job is saved, and everybody's happy. A few months later, another strike hits. He goes to the drawer and opens the second envelope. It reads,...

Is He Jumping Down?
2008-03-31 09:09:00
A blonde and a redhead met for dinner after work and were watching the 6 o'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!"Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owned. The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend." The blonde said, "No. A bet's a bet."So the redhead said, "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this one on the 5 o'clock news, so I can't take your money."The blonde replied, "Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"
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Futuristic Motel
2008-03-30 09:05:00
A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk and asked if there was a barber on the premises. "I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall is a special machine that should serve your purposes." Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his head in the mirror, which reflected the best haircut he ever received in his life. Down the hall was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures - 25 cents." "Why not," thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and pulled them out perfectly manicured. The next machine had a huge sign that read, "This Machine Provides What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives - cost 50...
More About: Motel , Futuristic

Bet to Piss
2008-03-29 11:42:00
A guy is in a bar with a bunch of his friends. After a while of shooting pool and drinking, he whispers something to his friends. A few minutes later he walks over to the bartender and asks for a shot of tequila. After he takes the shot he says to the bartender,'' I'd like to make a bet with you.'' The bartender replies, ''Sure I'm in a betting mood.''So the man bets the bartender $1,000 that he can piss in the shot glass placed all the way across the room and fill it up and not spill a drop. The bartender says, ''I'll take that bet.''So the man walks to the other side of the room and places the shot glass down. He goes back to the bartender and starts pissing. He doesn't even get a drop in. He pisses all over the place, in the bartender's face, all over the barstools and everything.After he was done pissing, the bartender laughed and said, ''You owe me $1,000.'' The man paid the money with a big smile on his face. The bartender asked, ''How come you're so ha...
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Game of Intelligence
2008-03-28 21:49:00
A blonde chick found herself sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane. Bored, the lawyer kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence (lawyers like easy prey). Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers he?d give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.The lawyer first asked, ?What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?? Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5.The blonde then asked, ?What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs??The lawyer looked puzzled. He spent nearly an hour, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls, trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insis...
More About: Intelligence , Game

Why I Sacked My Secretary
2008-03-27 09:32:00
This is a true story. Last week was my 40th birthday and I really didn?t feel like waking up that morning. I managed to pull myself together and go downstairs for breakfast, hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, ?Happy Birthday!?, and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone ?Happy Birthday.? I thought? Well, that?s marriage for you, but the kids? They will remember.My kids came trampling down the stairs to breakfast, ate their breakfast, and didn?t say a word to me. So when I made it out of the house and started for work, I felt pretty dumpy and despondent.As I walked into my office, my secretary Joanne said, ?Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!? It felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered. I worked in a zombie like fashion until about one o?clock, when Joanne knocked on my door and said, ?You know, it?s such a beautiful day outside, and it?s your Birthday, why don?t we go out for lunch, just...
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NO $
2008-03-26 10:29:00
Dear Dad,$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.Love,Your $on.* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *Dear Son,I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.Love,Dad

Blonde Detectives
2008-03-25 09:16:00
A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"The Policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile." Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says,"Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with? Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a ve...
More About: Blonde , Detectives

Timmy's Cupcakes
2008-03-24 08:17:00
A young man was visiting his brother and sister-in-law for christmas dinner and was surprised to find his young nephew, Timmy, helping them bake some cupcakes. After they were done, his sister-in-law allowed Timmy to put the icing on. When he had finished, he brought them to the table. "The cupcakes look delicious, Tim." his uncle said. And he took a bite while looking at the other cupcakes. "Timmy these are so good." As he finished one and took another he again complimented his little nephew. "The cupcakes look beautiful, Tim," his uncle said. "How did you get them iced so evenly?" And he took a large bite while waiting for the answer. His nephew replied, "I licked them."

The Benefits of Getting Older
2008-03-23 09:24:00
1. You can eat dinner at 4.00.2. Your investment in health insurance is finally beiginning to pay off.3. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.4. It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.5. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.6. Your eyes won't get much worse.7. You sing along with the elevator music.8. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.9. Your ears are more hairy than your head.10. People who call at 9p.m. ask, "Did I wake you?"
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Samples
2008-03-22 11:37:00
An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?""What did he say? What's he want?"His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."
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Farmer John
2008-03-21 12:42:00
Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens." "What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff. "I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!" So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said: SLOW--SCHOOL CROSSING Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster." So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sh...
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Kiss and Slap
2008-03-20 15:34:00
A young Technician and his General Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young tech are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks.Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word.The grandmother is thinking to herself, "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him."The General manager is setting there thinking, "I didn't know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped and hit me!"The young woman was sitting and thinking, "I'm glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!"...
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Bank Robbers
2008-03-19 12:17:00
Some not too smart gangsters decide to rob a bank. After several days of planning they agree on the best plan. The next day they get to work and are able to get into the bank relatively easy thanks to their planning. Once inside the main vault they discover one wall is full of safety deposit boxes and start to work on them immediately. They drill and pry open the first box only to find a small container of vanilla pudding inside.The Head Gangster says, "Okay, well, at least we can eat it." So they eat the pudding. They drill and pry open up the second safety deposit box and there sits another pudding. They decide to devour it too.Determined to find the goods, the process continues for the rest of the night until all the safety deposit boxes have been opened. They didn't find any money or jewelry in any of the boxes. Disappointed the head gangster said, "Well, at least they left something for us to eat."The next day, while listening to the news they hear:"Yesterday the largest SPERM...
More About: Bank , Robbers

Man's Life
2008-03-18 09:39:00
On the first day, God created the dog and said: 'Sit all day by the door of your house, drool, and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?' So God agreed.On the second day, God created the monkey and said: 'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?' And God agreed.On the third day, God created the cow and said: 'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll gi...
More About: Life

The HR Email
2008-03-17 09:18:00
e-mail oneAttention: Human ResourcesJoe Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be foundhard at work in his cubicle. Joe works independently, withoutwasting company time talking to colleagues. Joe neverthinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he alwaysfinishes given assignments on time. Often Joe takes extendedmeasures to complete his work, sometimes skippingcoffee breaks. Joe is an individual who has absolutely novanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profoundknowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Joe can beclassed as a high-calibre employee, the type which cannot bedispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Joe bepromoted to executive management, and a proposal will beexecuted as soon as possible.Regards,Project Leadere-mail twoAttention: Human ResourcesJoe Smith was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines [1, 3, 5, etc.] for my true assessment of his ability.Regards,...
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50th Anniversary
2008-03-16 11:23:00
A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor."Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one... "Sorry I'm running late... had an emergency, you know how it is, didn't have time to get both of you a present.""Not to worry," said the dad, "the important thing is that we're all here together today."Son number two arrived and announced, "you and Mom still look great, Dad. Just flew in from L.A. and didn't have time to get you a present... Sorry.""It's nothing," said the father, "Glad you were able to be here."Just then the daughter arrived, "Hello both of you, Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing... so I didn't have time to get you guys anything."Again the father said, "I really don't care, at least the five of us are together today."After they had all finished dessert, the father put down his knife and fork, looked up and...

Alligator Shoes
2008-03-15 09:59:00
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazem...
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Email from the Husband
2008-03-14 11:00:00
An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email address, he did his best to type it in from memory.Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream and fell to the floor in a dead faint.At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:DEAREST WIFE: JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE.
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Working as a Gorilla
2008-03-13 13:34:00
This guy needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo. As it happened, their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before and they had carefully preserved his hide. They tell this guy that they'll pay him well if he would dress up in the gorillas skin and pretend to be the gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo.Well, the guy has his doubts, but Hey! He needs the money, so he puts on the skin and goes out into the cage. The people all cheer to see him. He plays up to the audience and they just eat it up.This isn't so bad, he thinks, and he starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring, swinging around. During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He's terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help, Help!"The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "Shut up or we'...
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Proffesionals for Mars
2008-03-12 08:23:00
NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars . Only one could go, but with one catch - he couldn't return to Earth.The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "One million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million. "I want to give a million to my family," he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars.""Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.The lawyer replied, "If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1 million, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer."

George Bush in Hell
2008-03-11 11:12:00
George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him."I don't know what to do here, " says the devil. " You are on my list. . . but I have no room for you." "You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do." "I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you, I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves.George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.The devil opened the door to the first room: in it was Richard Nixon in a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed over and over and over. - Such was his fate in hell."No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."The devil led him to the next room: in it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time."No, I've got this problem with my shoulder...
More About: George Bush , George , Hell

Be Discreet
2008-03-10 08:32:00
Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect fortheir fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing timestanding up.Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?" They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is."Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."Rippington walks over to the Smith house and knocks on the door.The wife answers and asks what he wants.Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards."She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!"Rippington says, "I'll tell him."

B.C.
2008-03-09 11:32:00
A rather old fashioned lady, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language, was planning a weeks holiday in Sydney with her husband, so she wrote to a particular camping ground and asked for a reservation.She wanted to make sure that the camping ground was fully equipped, but didn't know quite how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herselfto write the word "toilet" in her letter.After much thought, she finally came up with the old fashioned term "Bathroom closet" but when she wrote it down, she still thought she was being too forward, so she started all over again, rewrote the letter, and referred to the bathroom closet as the B.C."Does the camping ground have it's own B.C." is what she wrote.Well, the camping ground owner wasn't a bit old fashioned, and he just couldn't figure out what the old lady was talking about, so he showed the letter around a few of the campers and the only thing they could come up with was that B.C. stood for Ba...