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Divert Your Course
2008-03-08 12:12:00
This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call.

20 Ways to Annoy Others
2008-03-07 14:31:00
1. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.2. Sing along at the opera.3. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.12. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.14. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers runni...

Were You Sorry?
2008-03-06 10:35:00
A woman was on the witness stand, accused of poisoning her husband."After you put poison in the coffee, you sat at the breakfast table and watched your husband drink it. Tell me, didn't you feel the slightest bit of pity for him?" the defense attorney prompted."Yes," she replied, "I think there was one moment when I felt sorry for him.""And when was that?""When he asked for his second cup."

Brilliant Young Boy
2008-03-05 10:58:00
A brilliant young boy was applying for a job with the railways.The interviewer asked him: "Do you know how to use the equipment?""Yes", the boy replied."Then what would you do if you realized that 2 trains, one from this station and one from the next were going to crash because they were on the same track?"The young applicant thought and replied "I'd press the button to change the points without hesitation.""What if the button was frozen and wouldn't work?""I'd run outside and pull the lever to change the points manually""And if the lever was broken?""I'd get on the phone to the next station and tell them to change the points," he replied."And if the phone was broken and needed an electrician to fix it?"The boy thought about that one. "I'd run into town and get my uncle""Is your uncle an electrician?""No, but he's never seen a train crash before!"
More About: Young , Brilliant

Asking Dr. Laura Out
2008-03-04 11:09:00
A guy went to visit a friend at the hospital. His friend was all busted up and in several casts. After he determined that his friend would survive and eventually recover, he wanted to know what happened to his friend. Before he could ask, he heard his friend say "Talk dirty to Dr. Laura and she will take you out!" Wow! He thought, what an opportunity to go out with Dr. Laura, I can catch her at her book signing at the mall.He got her latest book "Ten Thousand Stupid Things They Thought No One Could Possibly Do - And They Were Wrong", waited in the signing line and met Dr. Laura. "Let me speak softly in your ear Dr. Laura, I have something private to say to you", he said. Then he spoke so dirty, he even shocked him self. "What did you say" asked Dr. Laura, thinking she could not have heard what she thought she heard. He repeated it for her.After a while the paramedics wheeled him into the hospital room next to his friend. He yelled to his friend, "Its your fault for me being here, yo...

Ten Tricks to Liven Up a Meeting
2008-03-03 12:44:00
1 Stand up and act indignant. Demand that the boss tell you the 'real' reason this meeting has been called.2 Spill coffee on the conference table. Produce a little paper boat and sail it down the table.3 During a meeting, each time the boss makes an important point, (or at least one he/she seems to consider important), make a little noise like you are building up to an orgasm.4 Stay behind as everyone else leaves, including the boss. Thank them for coming.5 Give a broad wink to someone else at the table. In time, wink at everyone. Sometimes shake your head just a little, as if to indicate that the speaker is slightly crazy and everybody knows it.6 Arrange to have a poorly-dressed young woman with an infant quietly enter the meeting, stare directly at the (male) speaker for a while, burst into tears, then leave the room.7 Bring a hand puppet, preferably an animal. Ask it to clarify difficult points.8 When there is a call for questions, lean back in your chair, prop your feet up on ...
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Restroom Talking
2008-03-02 10:41:00
I was traveling down the interstate to visit a friend. Half way through, I needed to use the restroom really badly, so I stopped at a rest area. I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying ??Hi, how are you??I?m not the type to start a conversation in the restroom and I don?t know what got into me, but I answered, somewhat embarrassed, ?Doin? just fine!? So the other guy says ?So what are you up to??What kind of question is that? By this point, I?m thinking it?s pretty bizarre that a stranger expects to conversate while taking a dump so I replied ?Uhhh I?m probably like you, just travelling?? At this point I wanted to get the hell out of there as fast as I could when the dude asked another question? ??Can I come over??Well, this question is just too weird for me. Like, WTF! But I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them?Nah man, I?m a little busy right now!?Right then, dead silence? then I heard the person said (kinda nervou...
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Two Engineering Students
2008-03-01 16:28:00
Two engineering students meet on campus one day. The first engineer calls out to the other, "Hey -- Nice bike! Where did you get it?""Well," replies the other, "I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young co-ed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her clothes, and says 'You can have ANYTHING you want!!' ""Good choice," says the first, "her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway."
More About: Engineering , Students

White Hair
2008-02-29 16:18:00
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
More About: White , Hair

Child's Fire Truck
2008-02-28 12:05:00
A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little boy next door in a little red wagon with a tiny ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The boy is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration."Thanks," says the little boy. As the fire fighter looks a little closer, he notices the boy has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles."Little partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."The little boy says, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
More About: Truck , Fire

Two Wishes
2008-02-27 20:07:00
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?""I'll have the same," says the ostrich.A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."Again the man re aches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until, the two enter again."The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her cur...
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Designer for Human Body
2008-02-26 18:04:00
Three freshman engineering students were sitting around talking between classes, when one brought up the question of who designed the human body.One of the students insisted that the human body must have been designed by an electrical engineer because of the perfection of the nerves and synapses.Another disagreed, and exclaimed that it had to have been a mechanical engineer who designed the human body. The system of levers and pullies is ingeniuos."No," the third student said "your both wrong. The human body was designed by an architect. Who else but an architect would have put a toxic waste line through a recreation area?"
More About: Body , Human , Designer

Hell of Sales
2008-02-25 15:44:00
When a young salesman met his untimely end, he was informed that he had a choice about where he would spend his eternity: Heaven or Hell . He was allowed to visit both places, and then make his decision afterwards."I'll see Heaven first," said the salesman, and an angel led through the gates on a private tour. Inside it was very peaceful and serene, and all the people there were playing harps and eating grapes. It looked very nice, but the salesman was not about to make a decision that could very well condemn him to a life of musical produce."Can I see Hell now?" he asked. The angel pointed him to the elevator, and he went down to the Basement where he was greeted by one of Satan's loyal followers. For the next half hour, the salesman was led through a tour of what appeared to be the best night clubs he'd ever seen. People were partying loudly, and having a, if you'll pardon the expression, Hell of a time.When the tour ended, he was sent back up where the angel asked him if he ha...
More About: Sales

Dog Fight
2008-02-24 17:17:00
A man walks into a bar one day and asks, "Does anyone here own that rottweiler outside?""Yeah, I do!" a biker says, standing up. "What about it?""Well, I think my chihuahua just killed him...""What are you talkin' about?!" the biker says, disbelievingly. "How could your little runt kill my rottweiler?""Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog's throat!"
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Applying for Job
2008-02-24 07:15:00
An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No."The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?"The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."

Too Tired
2008-02-22 10:18:00
There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde.The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." She swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it. I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.The blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.
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Naughty Professor
2008-02-21 16:08:00
Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest.The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began. "They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France." The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door."Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."

Looking for a Rabbit
2008-02-20 14:05:00
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies.The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

Who's the Boss?
2008-02-19 13:00:00
A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. "You don't have to let your wife bully you," she said. "Go home and show her you're the boss."The husband decided to take the doctor's advice.He went home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife's face, and growled, "From now on you're taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my clothes. Tonight I am going out with the boys. You are going to stay at home where you belong. Another thing, you know who is going to tie my bow tie?""I certainly do," said his wife calmly, "the undertaker."
More About: Boss , The Boss

Cleaning Behind a Bush
2008-02-18 15:45:00
Two guys were on a long drive back from a fishing trip, when one turned to the other and said he needed to go to the bathroom. So they stopped the truck and he went behind the bushes. When he came back the other said "That was fast.""Well I need to take a shit but I've got nothing to wipe my ass with."The other answers, "That's easy, just go on back, pull out a dollar, and wipe your ass with it.""O.K." he says as he goes back over to the bush.Later he comes back with a really upset look on his face and shit all over his hands and says "That was a terrible idea. Not only did I get shit all over me, I've got 10 dimes stuck up my ass!"
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3 Ladies Getting Old
2008-02-17 15:43:00
Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."The second lady chimed in, "Yes, some times I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."The third one responded, " Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem; knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them "That must be the door, I'll get it!"
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A Good Excuse
2008-02-16 15:40:00
A man was driving home late one afternoon above the speed limit. He noticed a police car with its red lights in his rearview mirror. He thought, "I can outrun this guy," so he floored it and the race was on. The cars were racing down the highway at 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passed 100, the guy figured, "What the heck," and gave up. He pulled over to the curb. The police officer got out of his cruiser and approached the car.He leaned down and said, "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go." The man thought for a moment and said, "Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rearview mirror, I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give her back to me!"The officer let him go.
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Little Red Riding Hood
2008-02-15 14:33:00
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log."My what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf.", says Little Red Riding Hood.The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away!!!Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time he is crouched behind a tree stump."My what big ears you have Mr. Wolf.", says Little Red Riding Hood.Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away.About 2 miles down the track, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign."My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf.", taunts Little Red Riding Hood.With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams... "Will you fuck off, I'm trying to take a shit"!

The Curse
2008-02-14 14:48:00
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."The old man says without hesitation - "I now pronounce you man and wife."
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Top 10 Ways to Freak Out Your Roommate
2008-02-13 15:56:00
10) Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, "He just didn't belong."9) Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern.8) Draw a tiny black line on your nose. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, "The hair, it's growing. Growing!"7) Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, "Soon, soon...."6) Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.5) Tell your roommate, "I've got an important message for you." Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what the message was. Later on, say, "Oh, yeah, I remember!" Pr...
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Bidding for a Parrot
2008-02-12 10:45:00
One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last!As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!""Don't worry," said the auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"
More About: Parrot , Bidding

Do You See That?
2008-02-11 13:45:00
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go way ! And let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in."OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him."Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked."Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy."Good!" said the first bat, "Because I didn't!"

Magician VS Parrot
2008-02-10 17:39:00
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:"Look, it's not the same hat""Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table""Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?"The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot.One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself floating on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course.They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another.After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"
More About: Parrot , Magician

Sharing
2008-02-09 12:41:00
An elderly couple walk into a fast food restaurant. They order one hamburger, one order of fries and one drink.The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts it in half. He places one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counts out the fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placing one pile in front of his wife. He takes a sip of the drink, his wife takes a sip and then sets the cup down between them. As he begins to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them keep looking over and whispering "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."As the man begins to eat his fries a young man comes to the table. He politely offers to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man replies that they''re just fine - they''re just used to sharing everything.The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn''t eaten a bite. She sits there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.Aga...
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Signs on a Bus
2008-02-08 16:01:00
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.The case came up in court.The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick," and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber...
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