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Being Rude
2008-02-07 20:28:00
On this morning a woman and her baby were taking a bus. As she entered the bus the driver says "Wow that is one ugly baby."The woman deeply hurt just continued on the bus and found a seat next to an elderly man. The man asks "What's wrong you look mad?"She replied "I am. That bus driver just insulted me.""You shouldn't take that from him." the man replied. "He's a public worker and should give you respect. If I was you I would take down his badge number and report him."You're right sir I think I will report him."The elderly man says, "You go on up there and get his badge number. I'll hold your monkey for you."
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A Wish
2008-02-06 10:59:00
A family is driving in their car on a holiday. A frog crosses the road and the husband, who is driving, is able to stop the car. He gets out an takes the frog and carries him to the side of the road. Frog is grateful, thanks the man, and tells him that he will grant him a wish.Man says: please make my dog win the next dog race.Frog asks to look at the dog which jumps out of the car. The frog notices that the dog has only got three legs and tells the man that he thinks it is almost impossible to fulfill his wish and asks that the man will tell him another wish. The man says: "Well, then please help that my wife will win the next beauty contest in the area. Frog asks him to tell his wife to get out of the car.Wife comes out of the car and approaches the frog. The frog turns to the man and says: "Could I please have another look at the dog???"

Teacher's Gift
2008-02-05 14:07:00
On a special teacher's day, a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shooked it, held it over her head, and said, "I bet I know what it is - flowers!""That's right!" said the boy, "but how did you know?""Just a wild guess," she said.The next pupil was the candy store owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shooked it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is - a box of candy!""That's right! But how did you know?" asked the girl."Just a lucky guess," said the teacher.The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held the bag over her head and noticed that it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she asked."No," the boy replied.The teacher repeated the process, touching another drop of the leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked."No," the boy replied.The teacher then said, "I give up, what is it?"The boy replied, "A puppy!"
More About: Gift

Removing a Gorilla
2008-02-04 13:17:00
A man walked into his back yard one morning and found a gorilla in a tree. He called a gorilla-removal service, and soon a serviceman arrived with a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs, and a shotgun."Now listen carefully," he told the homeowner. "I'm going to climb the tree and poke the gorilla with this stick until he falls to the ground. The trained Chihuahua will then go right for his, uh, sensitive area, and when the gorilla instinctively crosses his hands in front to protect himself, you slap on the handcuffs.""Got it," the homeowner replied. "But what's the shotgun for?""If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla," the man said, "shoot the Chihuahua."
More About: Gorilla

Be Honest
2008-02-03 13:49:00
A lady is having a terrible day at the tables in Vegas. Down to her last $100, being so upset, she cries, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?"A gent next to her, trying to calm her down a bit, calmly suggests, "I don't know... Why don't you play your age?"He walks away. Moments later, he is intrigued to hear a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe, she won!Rushing back to the table and pushing his way through the crowd, he is stunned to see the lady lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"The operator replies, "I don't know, buddy.... She put all her money on 29. When 36 came up she fainted!"
More About: Honest

Crossing the border
2008-02-02 17:36:00
While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, the man was stopped by a guard who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders. "What's in the bags?", asked the guard."Salt," said the cyclist."Get them off - we'll take a look," said the guard.The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained nothing but salt, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border.Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but salt. This went on every week for six months, until one day the cyclist with the salt bags failed to appear.A few days later, the guard happened to meet the cyclist downtown. "Say friend, you sure had us crazy", said the guard. "We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won't say a word - but what is it you were smuggling?""Bicycles!"
More About: Crossing

Pretend to Be Married
2008-02-01 17:05:00
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket." The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles."Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"
More About: Married

Heroic Act
2008-01-31 14:33:00
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.When the hospital director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered that Edna be discharged from the hospital because she now is considered to be mentally stable. The director went to Edna and said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you're being discharged because you responded so rationally to a crisis by jumping in the pool to save the life of another patient. Your action displays soundness of the mind.""The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. When can I go home?"

How To Handle Telemarketers
2008-01-30 11:12:00
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Alternately, you can tell them, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my car won't start..." When they try to get to the sell, just keep talking about your problems.3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.4. This works great if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company..." You: (Wait for a second) With a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, th...
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3 Blondes Go to Heaven
2008-01-29 13:26:00
On day a redhead , a brunette, and a blonde were on their way to heaven.God told them the stairs to heaven were 1,000 steps and on every step he was going to tell them a joke. If they laughed they would not be able to get to heaven.So the redhead made it to the 45th step and laughed.The brunette made it to the 200th step and laughed.But the blonde made it to the 999th step and laughed even before god told his joke.God asked "Why did you laugh I haven't even told the joke yet" The blonde said "I know I just now got the first one!!!"
More About: Heaven , Blondes

The Statue
2008-01-28 13:03:00
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue.""What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room."Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk."Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
More About: Statue

Elementary, My Dear Watson
2008-01-27 11:29:00
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend."Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."Watson replies, "I see millions of stars.""What does that tell you?"Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

Flight 293
2008-01-26 15:50:00
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"Silence.Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

Hearing Problem
2008-01-25 22:39:00
Concerned husband goes to see the family doctor and says, "I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time I say something, in fact, I often have to repeat things over and over again.""Well," the doctor replies, "go home and tonight and stand about 15 feet from her and say something. If she doesn't reply, move about five feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so we can get an idea about the severity of her deafness."Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen and as she is chopping some vegetables, he says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He gets no response. He moves about five feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves five feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?"She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"
More About: Problem , Hearing

All Night Duty
2008-01-24 13:47:00
A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache.""Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?""Yeah, so?" said the officer."Well what the heck are you doing all dressed like the Fire Chief?"
More About: Night , Duty

Being Polite
2008-01-23 20:27:00
One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner. As soon as the waiter took out two steaks, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself.Tom wasn't happy about that: "When are you going to learn to be polite?"Bill: "If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick?"Tom: "The smaller piece, of course."Bill: "What are you whining about then? The smaller piece is what you want, right?"

Fishing
2008-01-22 14:35:00
Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph.I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that crap ?.."
More About: Fishing

UFO
2008-01-21 14:54:00
A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road. The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters "UFO" were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft. As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock, his young blonde attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and waved to the two aliens as they took off."Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered."Yeah," said the blonde attendant."So?""Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!""Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?""Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!""Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?""Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!"The blonde attendant rolled his eyes. "Good grief, boss! I've beenworking here for six years. Of course I know what 'UFO' means'Unleaded Fuel Only.'"

The Smartest Man
2008-01-20 21:30:00
A lawyer, a priest, and a young boy were in a plane that was going to crash, yet they only had 2 parachutes. The lawyer proclaimed that since he was the smartest man on the plane, that he deserved to survive. He took a chute and jumped.The priest looks and the young boy, and reflecting back on his life, told the young boy to take the last parachute since he had already lived a wonderful and full life.The boy replied, "You can have the other chute because the smartest man on this plane just jumped out with my bookbag!"

Two Dogs, Please
2008-01-19 09:23:00
Two Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other, "I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs.""Odd," her companion replied, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they both walked towards it."Two dogs, please," said one.The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their 'dogs.'The mother superior was first to open hers, then, stared at it for a moment, leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously, "What part did you get?"
More About: Dogs

Costume Party
2008-01-18 11:09:00
A couple was invited to a swanky Halloween party by a family friend, in which all attendees were required to wear a mask. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone, and to make sure to say hello to her family. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather se...
More About: Party , Costume

20 Things You Can Do in an Elevator
2008-01-17 12:25:00
Next time you’re on an elevator and feel alittle bored, liven up the moment with some of these insightful ideas. Guaranteed to make heads turn or your money back.1.When there’s only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn’t you.2.Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.3.Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you’re on.4.Swat at flies that don’t exist.5.Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, “Shut up, all of you, just shut up!”6.Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, “Got enough air in there?”7.Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they’d like to play.8.Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they hear something ticking.9.Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.10.Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures an...
More About: Things , Elevator

Airplane Ride
2008-01-17 00:12:00
A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost. "$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot."That's too much," said the farmer.The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10."The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man.""Maybe so," said the farmer, "But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."
More About: Ride , Airplane

No Warning
2008-01-15 23:49:00
With no warning and clear out of the blue, a husband said to his wife, "Honey, I have invited a friend home for supper tonight."His wife replied, "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't have time to go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal tonight!"The husband said, "I know all that.""Then why in the world did you invite your friend for supper tonight?" asked the wife.The guy answered, "Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married."
More About: Warning

Visit to the Doctor
2008-01-14 13:36:00
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die.""Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?""He said you're going to die," she replied.
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