The Ups & Downs of Life

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Athena Stars
2009-06-10 17:07:00
sorry. cant help it. but i have a necklace named after my blog! and its actually sold out! what a super high feeling!you can view it HERE.the lovely piece... *swoons with disbelief*
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That Fear Factor
2009-06-10 16:02:00
i have this fear, the whole world seems to know about it, i know about it, and the fear has been ongoing for several years already. i can even hear the time traveller whispering against the winds, "enough already..." but somehow no matter what is said and done, that fear remains largely in me. after years of blogging, at the advice of a therapist friend, i still am very much fearful of being dumped. i still lie wide awake late into the night wondering when is dugong going to cheat on me, and i wonder when am i leaving him to prevent this caustrophic event from occurring. it seems because of a traumatic break-up i had built up this defense mechanism, to dump the people i'm with early before they could ever do the same - and yes, you have hear the same story from me over and over again. lately me and dugong have drifted apart. greatly actually. mostly because of work and of some personal issues, and in my case i have my niece over so my time are occupied. what was supposed to be a on...
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If You Must... Then Swoon...
2009-06-08 17:51:00
exactly how much of negligence before we realise that there was any in the first place? apparently dugong apologize profusely thinking that he had been ignoring me much, and neglecting me, but somehow i thought it was ok. i didnt seem to falter by the fact that he wasnt around for me as often as i wish he would be, nor was i badly affected by it. maybe i guess its just me learning to wean him and everyone off. i dont want to be so dependant on him that should we have to end... i dont think i could take it very well.and i swear i have turn 3 shades darker. thanks to constant swimming session with nur. the kiddo loves the pool so much that i've been in and out of yishun swimming complex more often that i would usually have. while the tan adds some colour to my otherwise pastry skin, the same could not be said about my hair. it looks terrible and i swear i really wanna do some rebonding with it.so i'm going to the dentist later. my appointment's at 12noon, and then maybe drop by to ...

Kids Should Come With An Instruction Manual!
2009-06-07 16:03:00
it is time like this that i should learn to keep my mouth shut and just mind my own business, but somehow that idea always seems to evade me, especially when i need my brain cells to be working for me the most.so i open my big mouth and feedback to dugong about elly, which i kinda think i was out of line. afterall, which parent wants to hear a stranger bad-mouthing about their child, and most of all, someone with zero experience. (for the record, i do have a bit of experience, with my nieces and nephews, i have been left alone with them just now for a very long period of time!) so i told him what i think i should know, and a little of what my dearest mother thinks. it escalated into this cold war between the two of us. great.so what happen yesterday? jealousy reared its head, and in a very bad way.we went swimming again, one of my weak attempts to bond with the two girls, and it started really well. i was teaching nur how to swim, (...which by the way she picked up really well...) a...
More About: Kids , Instruction , Manual

I'm Today's Morning Oscar
2009-06-06 01:04:00
i'm a 28 year self depress monkey and i seriously mean it. for no reasons whatsoever apparently i would absolutely depress and think the worse of me. its like i dont give myself enough credit. ah screw it. and more things happen to me that just reinstates why i SHOULD never get married. this whole family thing is a rip-off and a scam by the goverment so that we should procreate and have more people on this tiny island which is already filled by selfish, hyprocrites. and again i stress, with whatever strength i have - you do not wear pink , hot hot hot pink when you wear more than a 100kg. at best you look like a giant strawberry donut, and at worst you look like a pig that just went into labour. either way your lost. i should just snapped happily at this people and post it online like what those people at Stomp do anyway. take pictures of others' miseries and post it online so more people can mock and humiliate them. seriously. you people got nothing better to do.
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I Got My Eyes On You
2009-06-05 03:28:00
i am eyeing this.its gorgeous is it not? well dugong prefers something more fierce, but i kinda like it actually. saw it on the road and took a liking to it. saw it in black and like it more, saw it in pink and i'm won over. add a spoiler. a bumper. jazz up the interior abit. hole up an air freshener. load it up with the works, (IE tissue box, plastic bag, water bottles, pandan leaves to eradicate cockroaches, mats, those swinging thing that i can put at the rear view mirror, stickers) and then yeah my car is complete. ooh. i cannot wait.
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Tip-Toeing Around
2009-06-04 18:28:00
it does make me wonder. if he was juat plain used to the idea of having me around, or does he really love me? and while i do enjoy the kids presense around me, i find nur a joy to have around me while elly's ruffling my feathers slightly. she seems to be intent to pick on me, in her eyes i dont seem to be doing the right thing.just now while on the train, i was thinking... i know dugong would not choose me over his daughter and there would be no way i would allow him to do it either. if the time and occasion arises, i would be more than willing to give him up than the other way around. we all know that you need 3 willing souls to make a family and not just 2. she hates almost everything i do or touch, it does get to me. and when i asked dugong for a respite, he shook his head amusingly. more so because he didnt know what happen exactly, but i do wish he would take the kids and give me a break, it does get to you when you have the kids to yourselves for every single minute. i just t...

TopsyTurvey World!
2009-06-02 15:20:00
I never thought I would ever jump on the wagon, but I actually did, for the first time, during the June holidays I get to baby-sit the kids on my own for a whole week. Whats the big deal, many would reckon, but it is a big deal for me. I've never been a big fan of children, and believe it, for me to sacrifice a whole week just to dedicate it for the kids would be something I would do for pain and torture. Its definitely unlikely on my list, but then again its a rarity that I would have one who's abandoned by her parents, and another who's mother passed away while she was still at a tender young age.You call it a new trade of mine, being a surrogate mother to them. Getting up way early to make breakfast (...it varies from honey stars on my lazy days, to nasi lemak on my motherly days...), cooking lunch, dinner, along the way thinking of activities for them to do. I remember a mom once told me to keep the activities short because children don't really have that long an attention s...
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Indian Summer Is On The Roll!
2009-05-24 16:14:00
it sure is.with the weather that mother nature is purposely setting on us, unleashing her fury, with a deep vengeance. yes once again indian summer has arrived. it has made its famous presence felt.as i sat in my living room, my body drenched with my own sweat, i watched elly across the hall. she approached me quietly with a folded paper and asked me, "you and daddy together so long. when are you getting married?" i shrugged, "wait for daddy to ask me lah!" i laughed quietly, i eyed the fan willing it to oscillate my way again. "cannot be boyfriend and girlfriend forever what." she continued, waiting for my reaction. i pretended not to hear her and picked up my phone faking a caller was on the line. i went to my room, hoping that the cool wind would soothe my nerves. it never fails. everytime someone ask me about marriage, i would get riled up and nervous. a fear.i dreamt about weddings, what kind of bride would i be, what sort of reception would i be having, would there be any part...
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Hey Mommy...
2009-05-23 22:26:00
dear mother...i stayed awake for hours tonight. with dugong working the night shift and away, the kids asleep as well as yourself, i started to think. mostly about this strange relationship of ours. its a love-hate relationship that i think, had it been thrown to any other person, he or she would have failed and abandon this ship long ago. but not me mother, never me, infact i think i've weathered the storms with you, cruised the high seas with you, and most of all - have that undying unwavering love for you. i remembered a time when i was 6. you were going on a company trip. "to bintan," you said soothingly. "a boat ride away and i would be home before you know it." i clung on to you, breathing in the sweet scent of yours, and then you turned to your side and picked up adi. you begin muttering sweet nothings to him, and i was rendered invisible. again. and thats when the love-hate relationship begin. everywhere i go, or turn you cuddling him, holding on to him like he was this pre...
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Close Your Eyes, Make A Wish
2009-05-20 09:17:00
after a while, i get depressive. i tend to think more, i wonder more, and its usually during these times that i begin to re-assess myself. its not always a good thing, because when i dont like what i assess it becomes an emotional roller-coaster. i would be really happy one moment and the next calling or messaging my friends, dumping my woes on them or staying awake till 4am berating at the injustice that i'm facing right now.lately things hasnt been that great between me and dugong. at times i think i know he loves me, and then comes those moments where i really know he loves me. then off course there are moments where i'm guessing he might not be loving me. its the actions he does that sometimes sway my decision. like the monday afternoon, we were going to catch a movie, and we wound up quarrelling the whole afternoon. its like nothing i do seems to please him anymore. i make lame jokes (...about singhs...), i stereotype people (...like he doesnt...) and its not like i mean it. ...
More About: Eyes , Close , Make , Make-A-Wish

The 10 Essentials Every Women Should Have
2009-05-13 07:31:00
okay... due to popular demands, people have been asking exactly what is it that they need to have in their wardrobe without having to spend hundreds of monies. so listen up ladies: you definitely need to spend a bit to get what you need but at the end of the day the following items should be in your wardrobe. easy-to-match and you can literally wear them through the seasons. they're available at any good stores, and the pieces i picked here are what i personally have at home, and are not branded stuff which is good especially if you're on budget. i got the list off an episode of oprah, some inspiration of nina garcia (...fashion director of elle magazine...) and off course my personal opinions (...fashion guru for the 20's...). this may have came late because of my many many emotional tantrums but here you go ladies, enjoy. invest in a cashmere sweater. they're soft and gives your body a nice silhoutte. its comfortable, easy to wear and you even wear them during the day a...
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Streaks Of Breaking Dawn
2009-05-10 18:26:00
it seems much better today. elly slept over minus her daddy, and dugong said that she requested for it which feels nice for a change. i kinda took it as a sign that maybe she doesnt hate me and that it was one of those days. i'm not really good at this parenting thing and i'm guessing i will never be, but it was nice when she was spending time with me. sure she said a couple of stuff that i didnt quite like but i chose to ignore it and then things were ok again.we went prawn fishing today. chose that for today's activity. it was really fun. i caught more this time round. fared so much better then previous times. maybe i finally understood what dugong was trying to explain to me, "...flick your wrist ayang..." we caught 15 prawns!and my dear mother simply hates me.she is definitely the reason why i hated marriage and kids so much. i am so afraid that i will turn out to be just like her and that i would be biase with my attention and love. that i would be so judgemental of my child...
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And I Huff... And I Puff...
2009-05-09 18:35:00
"dear you, take away the sarcasm and the witty rebuttals you remind me of an empty vessel. you cant even hurt me, nor do anything to me and i know for sure i'm not one bit affected by you. i have willed my tears, bite my lips, hold my tongue back from lashing out simply because at the end of the day, i know i do not want to be you, and hurtful remarks does not always sit well with the ones you love..."you know those moments when you get bang by cock-up emotions one after another? this is the one day where i get bang by it. call it karma for whatever actions i have done in the past but somehow i dont think i deserve this. i try my darnest to be good at what i do, and be really good at it especially things that involves my family and my love ones but somehow lately (...or well over the years...) it just doesnt seem possible and my ego just seems to take a beating because of it. jose thinks i should be strong and think of the positive. i'm beginning to think that i should give up any...
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A Beautiful Distraction
2009-05-08 02:19:00
it was like a trip down memory lane.i was at robinson road yesterday, heading towards robinson point which means i had to pass by robinson towers (...ah the 3 robinsons...) and literally memories were flashing by, which means by the time i reached the traffic light i was grinning widely like a cheshire cat, or more of a fool waiting for the green man. everything was there exactly how it was 8 years ago, albeit there's a pub thats open in the broad daylight, and 3 kaya toast shops, everything else was still intact. from FIL intelligence, to the far east finance, to the perankan egg tart shop. i even went to the other side aka market street just to breathe in the memories of the past. i remember where joshie, and nazmin would sit there for hours just to wait for any one of us to be done with work so that we could just hang out. we have our meals there, birthdays there...i pretty much grew up there. i think i've said it before, it was a home away from home.lately i dont know why but ...
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Hold Me Close For 20 Minutes... Or More...
2009-05-04 19:58:00
a man who loves you never has the need to tell you that everyday. you can feel it, from his actions, his eyes... the aura that oozes from him when you come near him. he would be willing to hear you for 20 minutes or more, just holding you, no questions asked. no smelling your hair, no kissing you, just hold you in his arms, protecting you away from the dangers and perils of the world. i know i can be a pain in the a** at times, and i always question dugong's love for me but deep down inside i know he loves me and i love him just as much...he's not perfect... but yeah... he's my man...
More About: Close , Minutes , Hold , Hold Me

Isn't It Funny?
2009-05-01 06:07:00
i have very little interest to write today, with my energy drained, i'm running a fever and i've been crying the whole night long. it makes me wonder at times do i really know what i'm doing, and have been doing? i mean seriously, after 28 years, i finally affirmed the fact that my mom hates me, i still have not figured out what i want to do with my life, and i hate my family, especially my whiny, unbearable cousins.i told you guys that my cousins were coming in from malaysia, and so as a host, i pretty much cancel whatever little plans i have just to ensure that they would have a good time here. only to be told by them that they're here to (1.) find a boyfriend - for tina, (2.) meet up with her boyfriend - and thats for yati. basically their excuses for wanting to be in singapore was only that and all that crap about never having the opportunity to see me for a decade was a load of crap. i chose to ignore it and carried on with my life as per normal, despite the fact that they ...
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These Boots Are Meant For Walking...
2009-04-28 19:37:00
took vaccination for flu today. left my arm slightly numb, and was told to expect slight fever. also had to top up my asthma medication, one round S$200 and i have 5 cycles, which easily run up to S$1000. the best part i was advice to use my medisave but apparently i can only do a one-time usage. so thats it! today i used it no further usage until next year. oh great. i went for one interview and a meet up today, paired with my gorgeous brown leather zara boots. yeah i kicked a** but my feet was cramping like hell, and yeah i think singaporeans are just not used to people wearing boots. loads of stares, curious looks, appreciative looks, so its a mixed reaction all day long. the fashion style in singapore seriously needs some updating.anyway so during the interview and the meet-up, i had more than the required share of private info. talk about both interviewers telling me all about their private stuff, from why they were in the line, to why they enjoyed it, to their family matters. ...
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In All Honesty...
2009-04-25 16:45:00
sir winston churchill once said, "...you have enemies? good. that means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life..." i paused as i reflected on the line. it aroused mixed feelings from me, amongst some which i'm not entirely comfortable with. but it was true what was said. i've fought wars with many. i've fought against many for the sake of others - from pay increment, better benefits, better treatment. some met with favourable response, while others were met with negative impacts. those that i met with negative response, usually ends up with cold wars between them and me.i remember sitting at peppermint park on tuesday evening. it was normal for me to oversee movida, boiler, lobby and peppermint park on certain days, and it happened on this particular one night where it was quiet and not many party-goers were out and about. i was sitting at the bar feeling the breeze when i saw a commotion between the china bartender and a local barmaid. walter the china bartender w...
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Mind Your Body... Or Thoughts... Or Weights...
2009-04-23 16:19:00
this is funny. so michelle from the quit smoking help group called me up this evening. we had a nice chat, mostly about my illness, have i recovered, how am i coping and etc when she swerved the topic and asked me about my quit-smoking progression. so i replied off-handedly that i've a quit for almost half a year. she was practically shrieking on the phone, in total disbelief at that. apparently she was expecting me to (1.) either cut down drastically, (2.) light up more drastically. so then she started asking me questions rapidly. for a moment there i'm reminded of a machine gun, churning bullets after bullets.for the record, you guys probably remembered that i was hospitalised in november because of my asthma which had a tie-in with my thyroid, michelle was eager to persuade me to quit meeting much of my resistance. afterall i've been a smoker for the past decade and i go through at least 2 packs in a day. i smoke after a meal, i smoke while on a bike, i smoke when i reached th...
More About: Body , Thoughts , Mind , Weights

Planning... Scheming... Planning... Scheming...
2009-04-22 00:58:00
i have 101 thing to think and do. ok so i'm exaggerating again as usual. but i do have the following in mind.Getting my class 3A license - gotta be auto. not taking manual. check with TP already, seriously advised to take auto. not gonna incur anymore 12 demerit points and more.Refreshing memory on religious studies - is it not high time?Marital course - urm. preparation. for whomever that has an intentions to marry me.Diploma in a direct course ? Marketing? my current diploma sucks. why the heck did i choose it?!!!Salsa Dance - just simply to move this chunky thighs of mine. :Dso many things i want to do but budget is a tad tight. so i gotta move with slight care. should probably be getting serious with the job hunt right about... NOW.
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Hot Hot Hot!
2009-04-20 17:18:00
its been one hell of a week. the weather generally, not the week itself. the week as usual passed really slowly and doesnt seem to generate much excitement. other than the couple of reunions that i've made an effort to attend to, a couple of weddings that i've missed, things were pretty happening. we checked out a couple of place to eat and sight-seeing and i finally took the long-awaited trip onto the singapore cable car. my maiden ride. in singapore. i took the cable car while i was at genting highlands. hmm...actually that was the only way to get to genting highlands, but back to the reunions. i cannot believe that i've missed many of my old friends and that i've been away from them for far too long and that when i finally caught up with them it feels like i barely know them. they looked so different... thinks differently, feels differently too about certain issues, whilst i agree people change, i did feel a tad left out at the fact that i was not there for them when they nee...

Not So Sweet Love Story
2009-04-16 17:50:00
i would respect you as much as i'm able to tolerate you, but i vehemently admit that i'm only human and i do falter under pressure. i do like people, but i swear if the next person shoves the marriage card to me one more time, i swear i will not play nice, and i swear he or she will not make it past mid-thirties. i feel happy for couples-who-just-got-together, or couples-who-just-had-major-sex, couples-who-just-got-engaged, couples-who-just-got-married etc but i do think that there is no need for you to flaunt it shamelessly to others who might not have intentions to be on the same pedestal as you.lately i have had several occasions where it would happen right under my nose. shoving rings into my face, showing me cute holiday pictures of the couple (...usually with NOTHING in the background...), identical t-shirts (...which by the way makes you guys look like siblings no less...), or answering each other's sentences etc. i would smile politely, and nod, or occasionally i would co...
More About: Love , Story , Sweet , Love story

Twirl Me Lightly Tonight
2009-04-14 17:17:00
i woke up. i watch friends, the biggest loser (...which by the way seems to be everywhere. is there really that many fat, obese people around? why do i not see one except when i look in the mirror?), m-o-r-e project runaway, and then the household-chore bug hits me and i wind up cleaning a carpet, sweept and mopped the house, cleaned the kitchen and the toilet, took a shower and head down to bugis where i purchased a pair of suspenders and a high waist shorts. even then i had to be cautious with what i buy since i know i'm not working and will run out of cash anytime soon.i wanted to go to the singapore museum today. christian lacroix's exhibition is in the house and i'm dying to catch except when i called the mainline, the rather-unhelpful lady told me that there will be a $10 entry charge and its rather full-house today. hello? its a museum. how full house can it be. anyway feeling rather disgruntled i decided to watch more tele. anything beats entertaining strange-wannabe-avan...
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The Great Reunion
2009-04-13 07:08:00
I can barely hold my horses!This Wednesday, I'm prayin', wishin', hoppin' for a beautiful weather especially in the evening because one of the most wonderful event will be happening right here in Singapore. That's right ladies and gentlemen, the old team of SB-RT will be reuniting for one night only at SB-LT and their presence alone is Godsend! whee! (...OK so I'm a tad exaggerating, but it sure feels like it!) What was supposed to be a mere coffee session between me and Joshua escalated to become a meet-up with the old gang albeit some will not be meeting up due to other commitements but still its all good. Lynn is in Philippines while Tony Zuko is still in KL so we gotta miss some them but the main monkeys are going to be around and I'm pretty sure we will have a heckle of fun. I still remember clearly the first time when I first joined this gang. It was my home away from home. I was depressed, heartbroken, Walwelwol just broke my heart, school sucks, I had nobody, NOBODY a...
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Another Day Another Entry
2009-04-12 11:05:00
"...st james makes the lousiest cocktails ever!" hollers on the other end. i turn off the speaker mode and smiled guiltly at my family and hustle into the bedroom."...who is this?" i whispered tentatively, praying that the caller does not shout again."...its me carol! and where the hell are you? i'm in movida and i dont see you at all!"i paused, trying to recall who in the world is carol, and then i remembered. the big burly lady who enjoys her cocktails on dempshey hills. i laughed and replied, "...st james dont make lousy cocktails. we happen to have a couple of really outstanding bartenders. it really does depends on who was the bartender you ordered from."i hear more screamings and then carol came back on the line, "...yeah whatever. this sucks. my mojito taste like crap. any idea where the km8 team went to? maybe i can hopped over for a round of proper cocktails."i shrugged, and then realising she cant see me shrug i replied i have no idea. "...and anyway i've already resigne...
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Sarah Palin's Ongoing Wolves Slaughter
2009-03-31 20:35:00
I cannot even bare to watch the full video. Its painful and heartbreaking and such acts should not be encouraged! Its probably a blessing that the Republicans did not win thank to sarah palin. With her encouraging such massarce, I cannot imagine what the future unfolds for our children ahead. when the time comes, will they even know what a wolf looks like other than reading about it as of a dodo bird?Join many others in this fight against aerial killing. Log on to the website to know more!
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Aim Low Shoot Lower
2009-03-23 21:24:00
"...dont aim so high..." dugong says as he rolls his eyes. i continuing fooling around with him, joking about how i want to be a senior technician, and again he uttered the same words.i kept quiet and shrugged.it stinks at times with you. somehow at times you remind me of one of those person who when successful forgets the ones who allied behind them, and when you give me that bulls*** lines about not sugar-coating your words and stuff all the more i shrugged.sure.when you were jobless and broke, i pretty much sugar-coated every words, just to encourage you and make sure that you would never give up. i was there every single moment, hoping that you would find something you would love. i went through the papers and sent resumes after resumes, keeping my fingers crossed, and when even you became your own personal detractor i continued. remember what you said about exxon? you said they were not hiring, and there was no vacancies and i replied, "...so? no harm trying..."i guess i cant e...
More About: Lower , Shoot

Peppermint Peppermint...
2009-03-19 08:11:00
i continued my berates of complaints to din who pretended to be nursing an aching ear. i sat down at the bar counter of peppermint park and ordered a mug of iced-cold tiger. i fussed over din for a while when salman khan appears. he was at BR and decided to come out for a burst of fresh air, in other words - a quick fag. i eyed the cigarette for a while and then decided against it. some days i crave it really bad, but most times, it was pretty ok. din left as soon as salman khan approaches, as if he knows something was up, like a conspiracy, i said my goodbyes and then cajole salman to sit down at the bar. i ordered another beer for him which he accepted gratefully. "...they're drinking vodka inside..." he pouted for a while and we laughed. i listened to him talk about his brother, Charlie's failure in marriage and relationship and then he turns to me, "...you know. amongst all his girlfriends, you were the best. you have the looks, the brains, the personality, the style everythin...

The Strange Need For Power
2009-03-17 08:10:00
i finally resign but with a heavy heart, as much as i hated certain aspects of the place. i love being there. i love the people (...some not all) and most of all i love having my regulars dropping by on a quiet night to drink with me. take sunday for instance - i was planning a strict "no alcohol" drinking day when i had 4 groups of regulars coming down for drinks with me. all with the same agenda, "...don't quit... we'll miss you..." at one point i actually cried at the entrance as i bid farewell to derek and elle. i said i wasn't going to cry, so there they were, eyes welling up, voice breaking and i was still standing there maintaining my 'cool' composure and only when they left did i finally break down and cry. i had spent two hours of my shift chatting, talking, and listening to them complain about the service they had to endure and they were not the only group complaining. kim phua came by too and lamented over the fact that i was leaving, and then he asked me, "...is lul...
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