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American Idol
2007-03-01 11:29:01
Tonight’s comments will be slightly delayed, as I am watching these shows on Tivo. Tivo, the company that once was awesome but now rips you off with their subscription fees. But here is America n Idol coming at you! Oh no! You had best watch out! It is time to watch fifteen minutes of singing and an hour and fifteen minutes of filler. It remaining ten girls will sing tonight, dedicating each of their songs to somebody special. Flash of red hair girl is dedicating this song to her boyfriend. If I were him, I would reject the package. It sounds like a bomb. The judges don’t really agree with me. Which goes to show that everyone is wrong but me. Alania is next, dedicating her forced attempt at singing to her mother. The judges agree with me! If I say that everyone is terrible, the judges will agree with me more often than not. LaKisha is next. And her name is LaKisha. She was named that by her mother, but it is her grandmother that this song is dedicated to. Probably because...
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Are You Smarter Than a 5th?
2007-03-01 11:29:01
Are You Smart er Than a 5th? should actually be called Are You Exactly as Smart as a 5th? I am nitpicking, but the questions don’t go above the 5th grade level. Did you know that Jeff Foxworthy gets on my nerves? I wouldn’t trust anyone with that mustache around my kids. This show combines everything that is wrong with everything. 95% of the show is stalling. Adults are “shown up” by children. Jeff Foxworthy talks. It’s no good. Who the hell cares when Columbus Day is? Do you know how I find out? I go to the bank, and go “Oh, duh. It’s Columbus Day.” Then I go home, to forget until next year. That is knowledge that I don’t need. It is funny to see adults celebrate after answering simple questions correctly. For, example, did you know that the Sun is the closest star to the Earth? Of course you did. Now, I’m not saying this is necessary information in my brain. But of course Canada has a larger border than Mexico. Stupid adul...
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Sick
2007-02-28 11:28:02
I’m sick, ladies and germs. I even stayed home from work, which hasn’t been needed in a long time. So, no TV tonight. That’s right. I’ve called you cable providers and they have shut off your television.
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Monk: Mr. Monk and the Really, Really Dead Guy
2007-02-24 23:27:01
Hey! What the… You voted for Monk instead of something terrible. Are you feeling okay? Maybe you should lay down. Sir, your first mistake was to walk down a dark alley at night. Your next mistake was to have a plastic bag placed over your head. I must point out to you the poisoning, stabbing, shooting, and running over of you that followed is also not a good idea. Yours truly, Aric. Oh Monk, you don’t know how to use cellphones. It is you versus the shiny van full of FBI detectives full of gadgets. You beat out the men and their machines, John Henry. You beat them out! Monk is learning to use a computer. Doesn’t he know that computers are about the filthiest things in the universe? I can’t even imagine how many germs I picked up just by writing that last sentence. Monk is using the CD drive as a cup holder. Oddly enough, I was thinking about that myth today in the car. Coincidences! 40 minutes into the show they mentioned John Henry. At least they know what t...
More About: Dead , Real , Really , Ally

My Name Is Earl: Guess Who?s Coming Out of Joy
2007-02-23 11:25:02
My Name Is Earl is a television show. Television is a magic box that shows you pictures is you look at it close enough. Don’t blink too rapidly at it. You’ll get dizzy. Jamie Pressly is pregnant. In real life. So the last two episodes have featured her being pregnant. Do you imagine that writers hate writing pregnancy into scripts? This is a flashback episode. We get taken back to the other times that Joy was pregnant. I don’t think Earl’s karma list existed in the past. Not the distant past, at least. Earl’s baby came out of different color than him. He decided to move back in with his parents. Which doesn’t last long. Aside from a couple of laughs, I have been pretty bored. Earl’s dad is throwing gerbils out of a window. That’s okay. Don’t worry, they didn’t get hurt. I kind of got hurt a little. Isn’t sweeps supposed to be the best of the best? I see none of these things going on with Earl.
More About: My Name Is Earl , Guess Who , Guess , Ming

The Office: Cocktails
2007-02-23 11:25:02
Rubber pants? Check. Time to watch The Office . J.J. Abrams, of Lost, Alias, and What About Brian? fame, is directing this episode. That means it should be long and confusing. Haha, yeah. I went with the obvious joke that a five year old could have thought of. Uncomfortable points to cause drama and humor for the episode? Michael and Jan go to a work party as boyfriend and girlfriend. Roy and Pam are already hitting rough waters after getting back together last week. The framework is there. Nothing left to do but place the bricks. The hilarious bricks. Oh! My! God! Pam just told Roy that Jim had kissed her. Then he and his brother went crazy and wrecked up the bar. Seriously! I totally did not image that happening, considering how nice Roy has been this season. It was a fantastic shock!
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Scrubs: My Therapeutic Month
2007-02-23 11:25:02
Scrubs is here to bring wacky, funny, and oddly serious at times. JD has been living in a tent for the last two episodes. Probably more. Elliott has her boyfriend move in. So it’s time for the standard “women be different from men” fair. No coaster? Tee hee. I can so relate. Turk broke his arm and is busted back down to being a hospital resident. Ummm, JD is helping a guy with brain damage who needs physical therapy. JD is scared of girls. Let’s see, janitor is growing facial hair. Do you need some more plot for a half hour? I hope not. Did you know the Ghost Rider was the number one movie in America last weekend? And the week before it was Norbit? It’s like a big storm of terrible giving the Oscars the finger.
More About: Scrubs , Hera , Rape , Erap , Month

30 Rock: Hard Ball
2007-02-23 11:25:02
30 Rock is on again. I suppose we should watch. It is contract renegotiation time for Josh, and Jack is very pleased. And Tracy made out on a 419 scam. Ahhhh, I have already laughed. Already this episode is funnier than your standard episode of The Simpsons. Kenny has just joined Tracy’s entourage. Why was he asked to join? Because he and Tracy could harmonize. Delightful. But then he beat Tracy at Halo. Man, I should play some Halo. Fun and goofy. I laughed more than at Scrubs and My Name Is Earl combined tonight. Not that it can hold a candle to The Office. But look at me. I’m a broken record.
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Veronica Mars: Mars, Bars
2007-02-21 23:24:01
Veronica Mars was just arrested for helping some dude escape from jail. By accident, possibly. Or possibly. Obviously possibly. Veronica and her daddy are also searching for the Dean’s murder. Or were. Veronica is still kind of in jail. That doesn’t stop mafia guys though. Guess who’s out of jail! That’s right, it’s Veronica! Guess who is being held by a gun wielding escape! You’re wrong. It’s Veronica. President McKinley. What were you thinking? It’s okay. The gun belonged to the guy in the trunk. In the trunk? It’s like I’m buying some jewelry that is hot. Logan and the secondary characters are on a scavenger hunt. They must do things like buy large condoms and take a picture of them. Seems a little trivial, when there is murder on the line. Mac’s roommate, whose name I forgot, is falling for Logan. I think her name begins with a P. Posterior? Hey, the Dean had inoperable cancer! That’s the kind of thing that ...
More About: Veronica Mars , Bars , Veronica

Gilmore Girls: I?m a Kayak, Hear Me Roar
2007-02-21 23:24:01
It’s odd how much Gilmore Girl s have changed my life. On the car ride home from work I found myself hoping that Gilmore Girls would be canceled. As a normal male human being, this thought should never have to enter my mind. Lorelai and hubby broke up, and now she and Rory need to break it to her parents. And they ran out of gas. How charming. Grandfather is recovering from a heart attack. Grandmother is her own terrible self. And for some reason, we have to suffer through it. I don’t watch TV to experience annoyance. Grumpy grandpa has indicated the soup is not a meal. Finally, I agree with something on Gilmore Girls! Time to break out the champaign! Tuesday was already a terrible day in my book. The constant strain of Gilmore Girls is going to kill me. Or make me go bald.
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Wife Swap: Haigwood/Hess-Webb
2007-02-20 23:23:02
Want to see a trick? Okay, hold a gun to my head. Go on, you can do it. It’s okay. They you go. Okay, now ask me what the difference between Wife Swap and Trading Spouses is. I can’t do it! Guess you’ll have to shoot me. Dang. This is a terrible trick. Family one lives in the country and eats raw meat in preparation for when civilization collapses. The other family lives in the city. So there you go. The farm kids don’t go to school. And they don’t clean their house because they believe bacteria is a good thing. Uh oh! Watch out, Ivory! I don’t think they care that your soap floats! Oh yeah. Put that gun away! Wife Swap has the wives following the other family’s rules for a week, then they make their own rules. I don’t know where to being with this raw diet. It’s easier to digest? Shenanigans! Cooking food breaks down the chemical bonds and allows you to digest more of it. You get more nutrients from cooking food! The raw family ...
More About: Wap , Wood , Webb

Heroes: Unexpected
2007-02-20 23:23:02
Heroes is here to entertain us during sweeps. This means I get to concentrate on 24 more with Tivo. Hooray! Radio Shack man, er, radioactive shack man was found by a lady who can send emails. Emails from her brain! And I thought those Bluetooth headsets were getting pretty invasive. Sylar is tagging along with Mohinder to find the other heroes. Mohinder to study them. Sylar to eat their delicious brains. Bumbling cop also stole some diamonds. I am getting sick of thought reading cop. He and Nikki can be exploded. I would not be sad. In fact, I could be quite happy. Overjoyed, in fact. Peter and Doctor Who just flew off across the New York skyline after Claire’s dad tried to get them. Man, those would be some nice super powers. Rigging Bingo would be so easy! Also, you could fly. Because walking is a big waste of time. Claire’s dad has been putting radioactive isotopes into the blood of these heroes. For tracking! I found that strapping an atomic bomb to someone is a pret...
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MythBusters: Jet Assisted Chevy
2007-02-17 05:19:07
I love the Myth Bust er s more and more every day. They are such fun and wonderful skeptics. The early evening rerun of the MythBusters involves a`72 Chevy Impala strapped to a rocket. Or vice versa. At any rate, it mimics the Darwin Award’s most popular entry. It seems ironic that a UPS commercial is using a Postal Service song. Adam and Jamie, our heroes, can’t find a `72 Chevy Impala. But they did find a `66 Chevy Impala. Wait, I left something out. What was that? Oh yeah! Hydraulics! Not only will they be strapping rockets to the top of this reinforced car. It will also be a remote control car. It is better than anything you can get at Radio Shack. Which isn’t saying much, because anything you get from a 25 cent candy machine is better than anything at Radio Shack. One pull of the MythBusters is their AB appeal. Their Alton Brown appeal. Not only will you get good explosions or, in Alton Brown’s case, food. You are going to learn the science behind everythin...
More About: Mythbusters , Assist

Trading Spouses: Meet Your New Mommy: Nelson/Andrews
2007-02-17 05:19:07
It’s time for yet another episode of the rage inducing Trading Spouses: Meet Your New Mommy . The Andre ws family has a a wife who is a house. Or, rather, a house wife. She serves everyone. Also, the Andrews are from what I can only assume is Boston. It sounds like they’re a little slow. But that’s just because they say “car” funny. Mommy also has a lazy eye. Did you know that if you don’t fix lazy eye by the age of 10, you’re stuck with it forever? The brain stops making vision pathways by that time. So quit stalling and get your kid’s eye fixed already! Put down the KFC snacker and make it happen! The other family is a rock ‘n’ roll family. They were married on David Bowie and Elvis Presley’s birthday. That is pretty rock ‘n’ roll. And their sweet 17 year old daughter loves ballet. Weird! Mark, the rock ‘n’ roll husband, reminds me a lot of Michael Showalter of Stella and so much more. HereR...
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There is no TheToddTime.com
2007-02-16 17:18:01
TheToddTime .com was featured in a line and on a t-shirt in last night’s episode of Scrubs. Something along the lines of “log in and find out” was uttered. Through some simple investigation, it looks like TheToddTime.com is registered to www.dig.com and ABC. Through some more web expertiese, I would say that ABC made a move and scooped up the domain after reading this interview with Robert Maschio. For shame, NBC and Scrubs. You can register a domain for, what, $3.00 these days? For shame on ABC for not capitalizing on NBC’s mistake too. At least forward the domain to your own site! Although, a dead site does make NBC look bad. This is getting pretty deep, isn’t it?
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My Name Is Earl: The Birthday Party
2007-02-16 11:17:01
I really am pulling for My Name Is Earl . I want it to be good again. But I’m sick of being let down. I’ve been hurt too many times before. It is Earl’s birthday. He is celebrating all the good things he has done this past year. At his party, people are actually focusing on all the bad things he hasn’t fixed yet. That’s a nice enough twist on the show’s original theme. I accept this plot. This is rather fun. It is mostly flashbacks of the terrible things Earl has done. It’s like a clip show, but of stuff we have never seen. And things were crossed off the list! That was Earl’s birthday present. All of his friends forgave him for one thing and crossed it off. You know what? That was a pretty good episode. See? That’s a pleasant surprise. I assumed it would be bad and it turned out good. It doesn’t matter that I was wrong because now I am happy! I’m one of them there cheerful pessimists.
More About: Party , Birthday Party , Birthday

The Office: Business School
2007-02-16 11:17:01
This episode of The Office was directed by Joss Whedon of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Firefly fame. Micheal is going to speak at Ryan’s business school in this episode. It will be uncomfortable. Very very uncomfortable. Pam is, officially, back with Roy. That will be a fun enough dynamic to play with until Karen leaves for some reason. Probably because she did a pilot for another TV show. And there is a bat loose in the office. Not Batman. Just a bat. And Dwight thinks Jim might become a vampire. Plenty of creepy Creed moments this episode. In fact, we’re getting a little bit of everybody. Kelly and Toby are getting their fair shake. Kevin is a hero. I’d have to say that I love The Office even more than 24. I look forward to both, but I get all happy inside when The Office is coming. It’s like my heart is smiling to hard. So harsh and funny and sweet. The Office doesn’t rest. Not a straight comedy. Not a straight drama. It’s the perfect mix of ev...
More About: Business , School , Ness

Scrubs: My Perspective
2007-02-16 11:17:01
This viewing of Scrubs has been sponsored by Christopher Smith! Hooray for Chris Smith! Let us watch Scrubs. I haven’t been preached at yet. So far so good with this episode. Are you aware that Norbit was the number one movie in America last weekend? I don’t know what to say, America. I’m just very disappointed in you. Know that. JD has a condition which causes him to pass out due to stress. Well, stress and going number two. Scrubs sure likes the doody jokes. We’re supposed to go to www.thetoddtime.com. You know, if it was working properly. Get some more bandwidth for your jokes, Scrubs! Now JD is in jail for pushing his scooter while drunk. He put the key in to listen to the radio. Whoops. It other plot news, Turk is taken off of surgery for telling the truth. I’m waiting for a Pinocchio joke to come up somewhere. Here’s an odd thought that ties into the theme of the episode. What’s the evolutionary benefit of loneliness? Yeah. Someone hel...
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30 Rock: The ?C? Word
2007-02-16 11:17:01
30 Rock is funny. There is no reason to fight the comedy. Sure it’s stupid comedy sometimes and doesn’t always make sense. Just let it happen. It’s a whirlpool of funny. I know you’ll get wrinkled. But it’s nice while it lasts. And how bad does Ghost Rider look? And how good does Andy Barker, P.I. look? Liz got called the “C” word. This is also an opportunity to ALMOST say that word time after time, but being interrupted “amusingly.” Tracy and Jack are golfing in a tournament. And then it turns into a race thing. Sigh. This is going to be a tired episode, isn’t it? How long do we have to endure Jerry Maguire jokes? “You had me at” shut the hell up already! It wasn’t funny the first time OVER 10 YEARS AGO!
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American Idol
2007-02-15 23:16:01
American Idol is sitting down the remaining contestants one by one and telling them if they made it to the top 24 or not. Janis Joplin didn’t make it. I should also thank you for not letting One Tree Hill win tonight. I appreciate it. You must be my valentine! There are too many sad emotions this episode. This isn’t as fun as the cat fights or forgotten lyrics of last night. Go Chris Sligh! He’s my favorite. There is something very off about him, and I appreciate it. I am aware that you may be worried. It is okay, the beat boxer made it through. You can finally relax. Take a Tylenol PM, why not? American Idol is on twice a week. This need not be. But fools watch it all. Think of all the time the wasted time wasted! 25 million people watching a half hour of results? That’s 12.5 million man hours wasted. Except when the results show is a whole hour long. “Good looking out” means nothing! Don’t try and tell me it means “thanks” or &...
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Futurecar: The Body
2007-02-15 23:16:01
I have no idea what Future car is about. It is on the Discovery Channel. That does clue me in to the fact that it doesn’t go around solving crime for rewards of petrol. What will the car of the future look like? It looks like I get to try and describe it to you. Luigi Colani, a cigar chomping fellow who sports a handlebar mustache, is the three dimensional philosopher of the future. He must not spend too much time on his own three dimensional philosophy! Awwwww, snap! I totally just ragged on his looks. This lady designed a car that looks like a weird balloon on wheels. Number 6 had better watch out. There is a future chaise called the Skateboard. It would be powered by hydrogen fuel cells, and you wouldn’t buy a new car. You would just replace the body. Because, you know, you buy a new car because the body breaks. “Oh no! My window sticks a little. Guess I should buy a new car.” That was a terrible example. I apologize. As you might be able to tell, I donR...
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Veronica Mars: Postgame Mortem
2007-02-15 23:16:01
Do you know what I don’t like about Veronica Mars ? Veronica Mars. She’s bossy, manipulative, thinks she is always right, closed off, angst ridden, sarcastic, and snoopy. Why are we supposed to like her? Because she used to be popular and now she isn’t? She hasn’t learned humility. I dislike her. There. I’m glad I finally figured that out. Veronica and Logan are in fight. Oh no, again? My fingernails are already down to their nubs! The hardass college basketball coach was murdered. Time for Snoopy McSnooperson to get her snoop on. The sheriff thinks the coach’s son killed his dad. I think so too, because the commercials told me to think so. Thanks for the preview that gives too much away, CW. Veronica uses her friends too, with little to no thanks. How many times has Weevil stuck out his neck for her? Necks get cut, which removes the head from the body. That is no good for anybody. Except the body. The body is probably, like, “Finally!”...
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Gilmore Girls: Farewell, My Pet
2007-02-15 23:16:01
No, I’m not watching American Idol. No, I’m not watching To Catch A Predator. I am stuck, yet again, with the Gilmore Girl s . Should I change the name of this site to Make Me Watch the CW? I hate you all. The girls pull out all the stops for February sweeps! They’re talking unnaturally fast and getting in to absurd situations. What a difference! Papa Gilmore is recovering from a heart attack, and Bland (Lorelai) is in a fight with her husband who is angry about a letter of recommendation she wrote for Scruffy (Luke). 13 (Rory) is going back to Yale after visiting Papa Gilmore. Explaining the plot to the Gilmore Girls feels like shoveling snow on the Sun. What’s the point? A funeral for a dog? What a great sweeps stunt! Watching this show is like eating cotton balls. All squeaky feeling when you’re shewing them and then they travel to your stomach where they sit for one hundred years while collecting every germ that passed by until they kill you. Do you ...
More About: More , Farewell

24: Day 6: 1:00 PM-2:00 PM/Day 6: 2:00 PM-3:00 PM
2007-02-15 23:16:01
Two hours of 24 might be the best possible way to start off a week. Goodbye Blue Monday! I disagree that two hours of a one hour program qualifies as an “event.” But according to Merriam-Webster, an “event” is “something that happens.” Fine. It’s an event. Happy? To catch you up on last episode, Papa Bauer is evil. Morris has been captured to make triggers for nukes. Got it? Let’s move forward, soldier. Whoops. Jack’s evil brother is dead too. He and Hitler are having a big party right now. Streamers and candy. Poison streamers and candy. Regular candy. And now, advice from Jack Bauer. “Hey kids, don’t have a landing pad for your helicopter? Why not use the top of two semi-truck trailers?” Thanks, Uncle Jack! He’ll be back later with some more great advice. Evil Tom, the evil adviser to the terrible president, has an even more evil adviser to him. It’s like a giant Russian nesting doll of evil. Milo ...

Again with the weather?
2007-02-07 11:13:05
It’s too dang cold again. How about this. Voting back up tomorrow, probably. I’ll be back to watching TV again on Monday. Until then, listen to some Mustache Rangers already!
More About: Weather , With , Again

Too Cold
2007-02-06 11:12:02
It’s too cold in the basement to bare my fingers and type about TV. I blame Minnesota and global warming. Wait, colder than average temperatures. Something isn’t right here. Anyway. See you tomorrow. If global warming decides to kick in that is.
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My Choice
2007-02-03 11:10:01
It’s time for a short change in format, everybody. The next two or three weeks will be My Choi ce meaning I choose what I watch. I realized that you guys don’t really know the things I would rather spend my time watching. So voting is called off for a short while. It’ll be back soon. But until then, enjoy my favorites. Or, at least, the best of what is on TV at the time. Because it still might be utter garbage.

Trading Spouses: Meet Your New Mommy: Chase/Lane
2007-02-03 11:10:01
Trading Spouses: Meet Your New Mommy will be interesting this week. One of the families has two mommies. Get ready for a complete lack of tolerance! The gay family is very loving. The non-gay family swears a lot and hates everything. Do you really need this insane contrast to show that gay families are okay? You’re hitting it kind of hard here, Trading Spouses. You say you lived in a nice neighborhood? Until the Mexicans moved in? Wow. You are something else. Something else from good. When meeting someone’s child, do not ask the child what happened to their teeth. How can you not “get” being gay? People are people, you foolish fool! And you let your own children cut you down? And others? I guess what I’m saying is, these people are something else. She asked then, when she used the bathroom, if she used the man or the ladies. This isn’t as fun as I thought it would be. These are just cruel and awful people. It isn’t funny. It’s sad and ...
More About: Trading , Lane

1 vs 100: 100 Children
2007-02-03 11:10:01
Children take over the seats in tonight’s 1 vs 100. I’m ready to see some grownups get humiliated! This first contestant thinks he is a hairy Jim Carrey. It’s really creepy. He’s totally going to molest all 100 children. One girl didn’t know what a Wii was. She must be home schooled. And by “home” I mean “cave.” This kids are doing terribly. 72% of them were knocked out after the first three questions. That is almost as hilarious as adult humiliation. Not like being spotted by your grandmother coming out of a strip club. That is a different kind of adult humiliation. This dude is so cocky. You’re playing against children, dude. You’re flying too close to the sun on wings made out of the knowledge that Tom is the first person to be your friend on MySpace. Cocky dude goes down! Bam. The Girls Scouts and the Boy Scouts share the same motto. The remaining kids won $18,000 each for knocking this jerk out. Good good good st...
More About: Children , Child

The Mustache Rangers LIVE this Sunday
2007-02-03 11:10:01
The Mustache Rangers will be making a short, rare, live appearance on their home planet of Earth this weekend. Come one, come all, and see reenactments of their greatest tales performed live on a legitimate wooden stage. WHERE: Improv a Go-Go at the Brave New Workshop 2605 Hennepin Ave, Minneapolis, MN WHEN: Sunday , February 4th, 8pm PRICE: One Earth Dollar Bring all of your Earth friends.
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