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Miracle on 34th Street
2006-12-06 10:19:02
It looks lie you’re all in the Xmas mood, voting the classic Mira cle on 34th Street in for the evening. I get to sit back and enjoy a delightful holiday classic. Not like that tired You Bet Your Life. I mean, It’s a Wonderful Life. You Bet Your Life is fantastic. The movie is all about a man who thinks he is Santa Claus and a little girl with some impediment that believes in him. Hmmm, I swear she was deaf. Maybe I’m thinking of something much different. Did the brothers Grimm have any tales of caution and woe about little deaf girls? This fellow, thinking himself Santa Claus, happens upon a drunk Santa impostor who is about to ruin the Macy’s parade. The deluded fellow pitches in and takes the drunkard’s place. Then he ends up being the Macy’s Santa. Our local department store, Dayton’s, was purchased by Marshall Field’s. Then, shortly after, Marshall Field’s was purchased by Macy’s. What is with all the apostrophe Ss? Do ...
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One Tree Hill: Some You Give Away
2006-12-02 16:15:04
One Tree Hill lost the state championship basketball game! They lost the most important thing ever! And now, it’s time to work forwards from one day ago. We know the results, and we will find out how we got there. Sorry, I’m trying to make this show seems somewhat intelligent. Too bad I can’t convince myself. Ooooo! No theme song tonight! This show just got a million times better! Sure, a million times zero is still zero. But it’s the thought that counts. Oh no! Cars flying tiny flags are chasing the school bus full of basketball players! I hope it doesn’t run off a bridge into a creek. The other boys on the basketball team are going to freeze out Nathan so he can’t throw the basketball game. They will try so hard, and meet with tragic consequences. Something beyond just not winning will happen. Probably to Lucas. I think his heart will explode through his face. This episode of One Tree Hill was blatantly sponsored by Chili’s. Want to know w...
More About: One Tree Hill , Give , Away

My Name Is Earl: Born a Gamblin? Man
2006-12-02 16:15:04
NBC’s Must See TV is back and better than it has ever been. The two hour block of side splitting comedy starts with My Name Is Earl . An Xmas episode? Already? It isn’t even December. Oh well, Earl is making a lot of bologna sandwiches for stealing Gay Kenny’s lunch every day in 5th and 6th grade. Proof positive that you can’t catch gay. You’re born that way, people. Jonathan Slavin is this episode, as the deaf lawyer’s assistant. He is really talented and funny and weird. Did you know that 3 Lbs was canceled after 3 episodes? The ads on IMDB don’t seem to know that. After a misstep with the last super sized episode of My Name Is Earl, the show is back on track with tons of odd humor. Like a man who has a problem with stealing pens. “Comedy Night, Done Right.” Hmmm. That’s an okay slogan, NBC. Let’s try a couple more first. Brainstorm a little bit, okay? You can do it, guys. And gals. Earl has a gambling problem, and e...

The Office: The Convict
2006-12-02 16:15:04
This episode of The Office was written by Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant, creators of the original UK version of The O ffice . That was a little back story for those of you whose ears and eyes and mouths were stolen by gypsies. Michael just joked around that Toby was a rapist. I just yelled “what” really loudly. I have so many vocal reactions to this show. So awesome. Martin, the new black employee, is an ex-convict. There is your uncomfortable situation for the episode. Now watch Michael Scott dance his words around like a drunken Gene Kelly. Jim is helping Andy hit on Pam. Well, not help. He is giving Andy terrible and incorrect advice. So there is some more hilarity. It’s hard to quantify how funny this show is. It’s like quantifying the size of the universe. There is just too much of it. And so, Martin quit. And Michael made up a character called Prison Mike who was used to scare everyone straight about prison. After every episode of The Office, I feel ...
More About: The Con

Scrubs: My Mirror Image
2006-12-02 16:15:04
Scrubs is back! Scrubs is back! Scrubs is back! Remember that JD got his girlfriend pregnant? How long has it been since the last season? No matter. JD got drunk on wine, passed out on the gay gazebo, was kidnapped by old gay men, almost married one in Vegas, and ended up running on stage during a Blue Man Group show. Wow. That would be enough plot or the entire episode, but they did it all in the first five minutes. That’s brilliant. Sorry, am I writing a blog? I was too busy laughing with my mouth wide open like a dog with his head out the window. There is no use describing the funny things that are happening. Rest assured, there are many. Maybe I should keep a tally of my laughter. But tallies don’t make for very interesting blogging. Maybe if I drew a funny picture of a dog next to the tallies. And the dog would be thinking, “boy, these are sure the man days of summer.” Yeah, this is going to work out great. Wow, this episode is already over? This night i...
More About: Scrubs , Image , Mirror

30 Rock: Jack Meets Dennis
2006-12-02 16:15:04
30 Rock wraps up NBC’s two hours of comedy. Liz is back with her dorky boyfriend Dennis , who honked her hooters on the JumboTron. As Randy Jack son would say, I’m not feeling this episode dog. Dawg? Dogg? Hmmm. I could find out the “correct” spelling in a matter of seconds, but those seconds would be wasted. Dennis is the beeper king. He sells beepers. Out of a suitcase. That’s okay-ish. Funny, if not a little tired. Dennis did say he saw a rat king. That is sick and amusing. Tracy got tattoos on his face, and the faces of the other two stars are messed up too. It was a good night of comedy overall. Ended on a bit of a weak note. But nothing is perfect. And nothing last forever. Here we are, sitting on a planet spinning through space with no means of stopping. What’s a little guy watching TV to do?

MySpace TV Blogging
2006-12-02 16:15:04
Hello guys and gals. I’ve been posting a few random TV musings at MySpace to fill the time between watching TV and sleeping. Yeah, I know. “You live such a full existence, Aric.” Tell me about it. Anywho, you can check out my MySpace blog for mini-TV rants. Also, you can stalk people on MySpace. How about that? Win-Win!
More About: Myspace , Blogging , Blog , Pace

Doctor Who: The Satan Pit
2006-12-02 16:15:04
After a week off for Thanksgiving, which the Brits don’t celebrate, part two of Doctor Who is upon us. As you may or may not know, Satan was just released from a small clump of planet orbiting a black hole. I love when teenagers write “hail Satin” on message boards. Dangly mouth aliens are hitting people with their balls. So. Yeah. For some reason, the Doctor and Expendable are lying about seeing Satan. I guess we didn’t really see Satan come out. I’m just assuming. They actually aren’t lying. That’s my natural habit to assume the worst in people coming back to bite me. Satan was chained in this planet before time. That’s a bit confusing for a Time Lord. It is like telling an ice cream man about a time before ice cream. It doesn’t make sense to them. Oh yeah, Satan is saying he will kill everyone. I didn’t think it needed mentioning. Because, really, what else would Satan do? The Doctor and Expendable are stuck 10 miles bel...

Battlestar Galactica: Unfinished Business
2006-12-02 16:15:04
I am torn between liking and disliking Battlestar Galactica . Star buck just used her ex-husband for his man loving, and then went to see her Irish buddy get beat up in the boxing ring. I think he might be whiter than me. That’s quite the task. I guess if there is anyplace that gets less sunlight than an office building and a basement, it’s a spaceship. Flashback to 16 months ago? Jeez, fine. We’re going to learn the back story on Starbuck and the Irish lad. Bah, the time is jumping all over. I think everyone is boxing for champion of the universe. The winner gets a hat made out of gold and nebulae. Everyone is beating up everyone they have some sort of grudge or history against. More boxing. More emotions. More boxing. More emotions. Ahh. Back 16 months ago Starbuck cheated on her fiance with the Irish fellow. Then, the next day, she ditched him and got married to her fiance really quick. So emotions. And now, more boxing. Beaten and bloody, they whisper that they m...
More About: Business , Unfinished , Ness

Desire: You Can?t Go Home
2006-12-02 16:15:04
My Network TV, which has a worse name than The CW, brings us Desi re. It’s a limited run evening soap opera. I like the idea of a limited run evening soap opera. Than means they need to have an end in mind. Also, plenty of ridiculous plot. Soap operas depend heavily on the transfer of deeds. Deeds to the house. Deeds to the land. Deeds to the hospital. Deeds to the orphanage. Deeds to the moon. It’s all about deeds. “Butterflies are free to fly, why do they fly away?” The theme song lyrics are really deep. I bet the extended version has a verse about unicorns. Some older fella with a heavily acne scared face got busted with a bag full of monies. Also some guy with a Spanish accent had a dream about killing his rich and nasty employer. Then he woke up in the front seat of a car. With his employer sleeping in the back seat. I’d be just fine if that scene is never justified. It would delight me and make my belly shake with mirth. There is some talk about o...
More About: Home

Veronica Mars: Spit & Eggs
2006-12-02 16:15:04
At the end of last episode of Veronica Mars , it appeared that the angry feminists faked all the Hearst College rapes. Now Roni is running down the hall, in a flurry, with head wounds. Curiosity something something cat. Now it’s two days earlier. So time had passed since last episode, but now it hasn’t. And there is still a rapist at large. And the Greek institution are being dismantled. And Logan is breaking up with Veronica. And, no, that’s it. William F. Buckley, Jr. is taking a meeting with a cigar chomping fellow who likes to watch sorority girls. Or used to like watching sorority girls when he went the Hearst. That probably isn’t something you grow out of. And now the Dean is hiring Mr. Mars to look in on his wife. Veronica is crying in the shower. Her water is probably too cold. It is upsetting. Now the Dean has somehow voted to keep the Greek system on campus. This is all happening very quickly. The angry feminists are egging and shaking the Dean’...
More About: Eggs , Spit

World?s Tallest People
2006-12-02 16:15:04
And now, for the most anticipated episode of Heroes this season…wait, what? You voted for World ’s Tall est People ? Heck, I can live with that. This show is on directly after Small People, Big World. That’s wonderfully contrasted. From what I am to understand, host height is inherited. In other news, water is wet. Should we be breeding the human race taller, so we are no longer threatened by polar bears? Maybe I’m just going through Lost withdrawal. From what I am to understand, some tall people play basketball. In other news, the sky is blue. From what I am to understand, there are some genetic abnormalities that can lead to tallness. In other news, I am not learning anything from The “Learning” Channel. This abnormal fellow has 60% of the lung capacity that he should have. Imagine if he was a smoker and worked in a coal mine. To join Tall Club International you need to be a man over 6′2″ or a woman over 5′10″. They get toge...

Dead Like Me: Reaping Havoc
2006-12-02 16:15:04
Dead Like Me, I have decided, is a dandy little show. Yes yes, charming like a small town with on general store owned by someone named Murry. Murry is trying to fly straight after a life of crime. Some over achieving gossip columnist for the local newspaper will get high on power and dig up Murry’s nasty dirt. Ahhh, small town life. Maybe this show isn’t like small town life. George screwed up something awful last episode, from what I can gather. Inigo Montoya is mad at her. She didn’t kill someone or something. I guess the only other “or something” could be she did kill the wrong person. Feeling down, George decides to make friends at work. Her regular job, no the reaping job. They have invited her to scrapbook with them. That seems more like they hate her. If you’re packing heat, feel free to shoot anyone who invites you to scrapbook. They have nothing but evil intentions for you and your kin. Not much is going on this episode. I’m not say...
More About: Dead , Ping , Havoc

Veronica Mars: Lord of the Pi?s
2006-12-02 16:15:04
Veronica Mars was drugged and assaulted last episode. She’s missing a little hair in the back of her head. She will be in just that spot. I bet it feels like a ghost is always poking her head. Logan is trying to get Veronica to stop investigating the rape case. You know, since she was attacked last episode. The thing is, Veronica doesn’t take kindly to demands. The dean of Veronica’s school thinks the grandkid of the founder of the college was abducted from a party in her honor. The Mars’ are on the case. The Pi Sig fraternity brothers are starting their yearly sex contest, where they get points depending on who they screw. You know, while there is a rape scandal going on and a vote to put an end to fraternities on campus. The leader of the Pi Sig wound up in his underwear, on the campus lawn, with his head shaved and an easter egg shoved up his bee hind. That is not easy like Sunday morning. They one abducted lady is just hiding. In her home. I wish I could ...
More About: Veronica Mars , Lord , Veronica

America?s Next Top Model: The Girl Who Sticks Her Foot in He
2006-12-02 16:15:04
America’s Next Top Model starts the night of the CW viewing for me, with the terrible and awful One Tree Hill coming up next. Just getting you ready. The show can really send a body into shock if you don’t prepare yourself. I missed the last episode because I was seeing Amy Sedaris live. The girls tried their hand at acting. It would have helped if they put any other body part into their performance. Just kidding, I don’t know how well they did. Why do I always assume they did horribly? Oh, right. Because they are horrible people. Especially Melrose. And that is why we watch! The girls called up the guys from their last photo shoot for a booty call. I mean, they just kissed. They just showed kissing. I assume booty was involved, but I always assume booty is involved. What caused the US civil war? Booty. Did I mention that the girls are in Spain now? No? That’s because it isn’t important. The first competition of the episode involves the girls running ar...
More About: America , Girl

One Tree Hill: Nothing Left to Say but Goodbye
2006-12-02 16:15:04
One Tree Hill is one of the worst shows on television. Possibly even the worst. I will confirm this fact after I hear the terrible theme song again. One of the high school basketball players is being blackmailed into throwing the state championship. The people doing the threatening somehow snuck up behind him in their car while he was playing basketball in the park. I will assume he is deaf, and only pretends to understand what people are saying. Oh no! Someone cheated on someone! Ack, theme song! This is the worst show on television. The girls of Tree Hill are holding a banquet for the basketball team before the state championship. Girls are only good for praising boys, after all. Aww shucks, it’s the coach’s last game! And he really wants to win! Blackmailed guy is so torn! Oh no, the blackmail guys just threatened to break his kneecaps. He is so torn! Oh no! One girl is screwing over another girl! That is sooooo totally like real life! I totally get this show. It̵...
More About: One Tree Hill , Left , Nothing , Good

100 Greatest Songs of the 80s: Hour 4
2006-12-02 16:15:04
Happy Turkey Day everybody. I am full of wine and turkey and am very sleepy. Nothing like a little fluff from VH1 called 100 Great est Song s of the 80s to wrap up a stuffed day. So far in this top 40-21 songs, we have seen the B-52s, Modern English, U2, and Aerosmith. Most of these songs are about love. Or shacks. Or little girls with guns. Tommy Tutone is telling about this time he totally got this girl’s digits. High five, Tommy! Phil Collins is singing to me now. Let me see who I hate more than Phil Collins. Nancy Grace. Ummm, no. I think that’s it. Every rose has its thorn. With genetic engineering, we’re hoping to change that. Soft Cell is creepier than most people know. Just look at the back of their CD for one second. You’ll see the song Sex Dward listed. Not that Tainted Love isn’t creepy enough on its own. Night Ranger? Sure, I know their song. I never knew their name. What does the name even mean? Here we have Queen and David Bowie before their...
More About: Test , Hour

100 Greatest Songs of the 80s: Hour 5
2006-12-02 16:15:04
This hour of the 100 Great est Song s of the 80s brings us songs 20-1! I am so excited! What will be number on..ahhh, I already lost interest. Rick Springfield was on General Hospital? Look at me, learning something! I am just like one of those learner people! Whatertheycalled? Students! Cyndi Lauper is on the list again. The second time. Time after time she is on this list. Dexy’s Midnight Runners has a song here. There sure are a lot of songs about girls. Whitesnake is named after the male whoo-haa. I call it my John Popper. No apologies to John Popper. INXS. I’m not going to say any more about that. Then there was Van Halen. You might was well jump. You know, most of these songs can be heard at any wedding. Walk Like and Egyptian is yet more wedding fair. People need to get out of the 80s. Is that why we’re at war? I blame the 80s. Here is some more U2. I had a U2 phase in college. I got over it. Whitney Houston isn’t just the lady getting divorced from Bobb...
More About: Test , Hour

Little People. Big World: Roloffs on Rewind
2006-12-02 16:15:04
Little People . Big World is a rerun of a recap tonight. Maybe I’ll regurgitate my reheated leftovers. The little people, who I assume are the Roloffs, own a farm and have day jobs. They obviously don’t know the secret to having a successful farm living. That is selling moonshine to the locals. That stuff will strip the blue off a nerd’s balls. Ahhh, that was a good zinger. I should get to take the rest of the night off for that. Oh well, the little people march on. The little people have been married for 18 years. They met at a little people conference. No Match.com for them. Speaking of dating sites, do we need all of those True ads anymore? Yeah, we see the girls with the airbrushed skin and crazy eyes. We don’t want any. Next. The little daddy likes adventure while the little mommy likes more security. Financial security, not secret messages and cyanide capsules. Ahhh, to find a girl who’s into cyanide capsules. Just like mother. WARNING: Little peop...
More About: Rewind , Wind , Little

16 Children and Moving In
2006-12-02 16:15:04
This show is called 16 Child ren and Moving In. It involves all of these folks building a home for their large family. Please tell me why this family has 16 children so I can judge them properly. Ahh, because they can. “Saying you have too many children is like saying you have too many flowers.” Well, you know what? You can have too many flowers. You can have too much of anything! And you have too many children. The family is building their giant home on a giant lot. You know, so their kids can build a home on the same lot when they get old enough and want to move out. That is demented. These people are seriously messed up. It reminds me off a hilariously sad quote from The Office. Young Michael Scott said, “I wanna be married and have 100 kids so I can have 100 friends, and no one can say no to being my friend.” Oh, you hope your giant home is done by the time you have your 16th kid? Well, maybe you could have kept your legs together for two seconds or slippe...
More About: Ving

Gilmore Girls: Knit, People, Knit!
2006-12-02 16:15:04
Gilmore Girl s doesn’t seem so bad after a night of watching TLC. But then, Lorelai started talking. Sigh. Lorelai and Christopher are having dinner with Lorelai’s parents. They are a lot of snarky comments, as the wedding was secret and Lorelai announced it on their answering machine. Now the terrible parents are insisting on a parents. Actually, “terrible” isn’t a very descriptive adjective in this situation. You know, because everyone on this show is terrible. Logan is back in town for some reason. And Rory is moving in with Paris. I want to say that I hate Paris, but what’s the point? You know how I feel. Oh no. The driving storyline centers around a knit-a-thon. Here is the big problem. If that was the plot of a The Office episode, I could see all the insane possibilities that the characters could get in to. In Gilmore Girls, I roll my eyes and look at my watch. Characters and writers make a huge difference. Obviously. Rory, whose writers thin...
More About: People , Gilmore Girls , More

Chat Live with Aric
2006-09-21 18:12:02
Once again, I will be chatting live during my forced TV viewings tonight with the help of BuddyTV. Click the countdown graphic below for more information on BuddyTV. And, of course, don’t forget to vote for tonight’s shows.
More About: Chat , With , Hat , Live

America?s Next Top Model
2006-09-21 12:09:02
A new season of America ’s Next Top Model is here. It is time, once again, to root for the meanest model there is. Wow, the contest started right when the models stepped off the plane at the airport. Photos were flying. That’s the first thing I do when I get off a plane. I grab somebody and get snapping. There is something very similar about all of these models. Something about their waistlines. They’re huge! They should really go on a diet. I mean, they could hardly fit all 21 models into a telephone booth. That’s pathetic. Oh lordy, there is already crying. Modeling is all about being who you are? TWINS! What is up with TV and it’s obsession with twins? They can read your thoughts! Get rid of them! Did I mention that I am watching this show on the new CW? How long before they can no longer call it the “new” CW? Everyone is in their teens. I want to see the 32 year old housewives who want to try modeling. There is no making fun of Megan, 22....

Celebrity Remote: Kevin Murphy
2006-09-21 00:09:01
Kevin Murphy , voice of Tom Servo and handler of many other aspects of Mystery Science Theater 3000, has taken time out of his day to be my Celeb rity Remote for tonight. Kevin Murphy has a very good grasp on torture by media and self set goals. Kevin sat through some of the world’s worst movies while working on Mystery Science Theater 3000. If that were not enough, Kevin made it a goal to view a movie screening every single day for a year, as documented in A Year At The Movies. Take a look at what Kevin Murphy has me watching this evening! I feel like I am back in college as Kevin Murphy has me finding the influence of Akira Kurosawa in today’s modern programming. I will be watching Rashomon with special trips to other stations for some crime dramas. Rashomon was released in 1950. From what I can tell, 1950 was before 2006. That means it is entirely possible for Kurosawa’s film to influence modern entertainment. If 2006 were before 1950, this would be a different st...
More About: Kevin

BuddyTV
2006-09-21 00:09:01
I’m trying something new out, and you should too. Buddy TV lets anybody schedule and create their own chats during their favorite shows. So join me tonight live, why don’t you? Clicking on the crazy graphic below should provide you all the information you need, I think.

Dark Angel: Hello, Goodbye
2006-09-20 00:06:01
Finally, after months of reruns and uninspired summer filler, the networks are back with brand new shows! We can once again dig for our new favorites and feel comfort in our old standers. Let me see what we have here. Oh. You voted for two hours of Dark Angel reruns. What is wrong with you? Dog man and Alba are setting off bug bombs in dog man’s dilapidated house. He has fleas. Wait, that’s boring. Let’s pretend they are super genetically altered future fleas. Now we have a sci-fi show going on. Jessica Alba who is Dark Angel whose name is actually Max spread a virus to her…boyfriend? He has glasses, does that help you? No, not Drew Carey. Did you know he had eye surgery? He doesn’t even need those thick glasses any more. What’s next, tooling around in a wheelchair because he thinks it looks cool? Dog man made friends with a blind woman. Not Dog the Bounty Hunter. He is out on bail, and probably won’t fall in love with any blind women. Also,...
More About: Hell , Good , Goodbye

Dark Angel: Dawg Day Afternoon
2006-09-20 00:06:01
I have a feeling that this episode of Dark Angel will center around dog, or “dawg” as the episode title calls him. I know I’m going to hate this episode. I just know it. Wow, look at that tiny CD they’re using! That’s the future alright! There is this big driving plot to this show about transgenic freedom. Transgenics are super people created in labs with barcodes on the back of their neck. You could go into the store and buy them like a bag of spinach. We must hunt down and kill all these lose bags of spinach. Teens in hoodies are chasing down the big bag of spinach, I mean, the big dawg. He was peeping at a blind girl. These well mannered teens dressed in their finest hoodies were just protecting their neighborhood. Or “hood” as the stars of rap music like to call it. The dawg escaped with the blind girl into the sewers. Police and government officials are now hunting down the ugly transgenic. Sorry, that was a low blow. I meant to say tha...
More About: Afternoon , After , Day After

Kevin Murphy
2006-09-20 00:06:01
Kevin Murphy , voice of Tom Servo and handler of many other aspects of Mystery Science Theater 3000, has taken time out of his day to be my Celebrity Remote for Tuesday, September 19th. Kevin Murphy has a very good grasp on torture by media and self set goals. Kevin sat through some of the world’s worst movies while working on Mystery Science Theater 3000. If that were not enough, Kevin made it a goal to view a movie screening every single day for a year, as documented in A Year At The Movies. What does this bearded gentleman, who is well versed in the terrors our ocular and cochlear sensors can withstand, have in store for me? Read on! Boy, tonight you get a treat. I was going to have you running all over the place to find neck-snapping differences in points of view, when all of a sudden I notice that TCM is running Rashomon. It?s Kurosawa night for you, with a few odd turns along the way. So we?ll begin at 7pm with TCM, the best channel on the whole damn tube by a long throw...
More About: Kevin

Men in Trees: Pilot
2006-09-16 05:54:02
Men in Tree s stars the newly sane Anne Heche as Marin, a motivational speaker and writer about relationships. Suprise, she has been booked for a speaking engagment in Alaska. That’s where ice is born. Annie accidently grabs her fiance’s laptop. Golly, there sure are a lot of pictures featuring his lips on another woman’s lips. He probably just Photoshopped those. I guess that is still creepy. Patrick Bachelor meets Marin at the dock. In Alaska, planes pull up to docks. Patrick is Marin’s first taste of the quirky characters we are sure to meet throughout the series. I think Marin has also been called Mary and Annie. It’s like a damn Russian novel. Hrm, Alaska is pretty close to Russia. Patrick is the one who booked Marin, who speaks in front of large groups of women. Since there are 50 men to every woman in Alaska, Patrick brought Marin up to give the bearded gentlemen help. No, it isn’t hairy rock group Grandaddy. It’s just Alaskans. Uh oh,...
More About: Men , Pilot , Men In Trees

Make Me Watch TV Forums
2006-09-16 05:54:02
The Make Me Watch TV forums are back up and in proper working order. Come join in talks about your favorite and least favorite shows. Yes, you get a chance to complain with your words, just like me!
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