Diary of a Shrinking Mama

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60 miles for Cancer....
2008-02-27 04:28:00
I know this is pretty aggressive. But, I am a big goal setter. This year, I plan on doing the Susan Komen 3 day walk. 60 miles!! In fact, my goal is to do two of them. Crazy....really crazy. But, somehow, I feel that I have been given a chance to do something physically for someone else. I have had an aunt die from Breast Cancer , and another Aunt survive it. I feel that by the year end, I will be in the condition to do this extreme challenge. It motivates me that I can do something positive from this surgery. Check out the video....I hope you will want to join me too!!! • Email to a friend • Related • •
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Finally, a turning point.
2008-02-27 03:33:00
It has been 4 1/2 months since my gastric bypass surgery. I had been in the hospital 5 times, 3 ER visits, 2 ambulance rides, another surgery after the gastric bypass and weekly doctor visit every week until last week. I had a second surgery 3 weeks ago for a hernia and adhesions. Last week was my true turning point. I finally feel better and alive. I feel blessed. Although my whole family, including me has the flu this week (and yes, we all got the flu shot)....I can still say how grateful I am that I have come through and am on the other side. I have lost 70lbs. and have gone from a 26 to a 16. But, it is not what I have lost that I have focused on...it is what I have gained. I was (and still am to some degree) knocked down to the ground with this surgery. I have been crawling on the floor trying to get up. But, this surgery has kept kicking me down. But, now, I believe that I am winning this fight. My relationship with God has been strengthened beyond belie...
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It is not how you fall down, but, how you get up.
2008-01-31 20:38:00
That is what I have come to learn in my life. It is not how you fall down, but, how you get up. I have been knocked to the ground with more things than most people go through in their entire lifetime. And recently, I feel like a soldier in war making it through the battle on my belly crawling to get out of the line of fire. I still get up. I dust myself off and believe that it will get better. I keep getting knocked down. But, there is great news about getting knocked down. That is where you learn most of your life lessons from. Humility, grace, patience, understanding, faith, amazing generosity from others. You realize that from the ground....the world is a much bigger place and there is still so much to do. Then, you get back up.I know I don't talk a lot about the actual medical procedure from gastric bypass, nor what I am eating, or doing for exercise. I focus a lot on feelings. This kind of surgery is not a miracle wonder that I fear so many people do. It i...
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Patient/Doctor Relationship
2008-01-31 19:32:00
I am going to write about a few things that have been on my mind. There are two sides of the story when being a patient and being a doctor. I, fortunately am very understanding of what doctors must go through. Having been in pharmaceuticals, I became great friends with many and learned about the struggles that they have to go through in the medical "political world". The insurance hoops, malpractice suits. We are now living in a world of CYA (cover your ass) syndrome. And I hate that it has become that for them. There are a lot of patients out there who go in seeking drugs, or truly have something mentally wrong. The Medical Community becomes jaded. I can certainly see why.However, as understanding as I am. Truth be told, I am their patient and I have to put my life into their hands and a LOT of trust goes into that. Sometimes, I don't speak up enough for myself. Maybe it is the Southerner in me that I am not as outspoken as I should be when it comes to what is goi...
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How much have you lost?
2008-01-29 03:59:00
That is probably the biggest question that I get asked. Truth be told...up until a few days ago...my response would have been.. " I have lost 3 months...3 weeks and 15 hours and 20 seconds" But, I have come to realize that focusing on all that has gone wrong has not done me any favors.I have lost 60 lbs. and have gone from a size 24/26 to a 16. That is good and am off blood pressure meds, cholesterol meds, and blood sugar meds. So, for that...I am grateful.I have spent my 3 1/2 months in a hospital, or a doctors office every single week. Sometimes the physical pain has been incredible to endure. I have had a lot of GI and kidney trouble. Unfortunately, I am in a situation where I am dealing with so many specialists that each are terrified of me because of my surgery. They don't know what to do with me really. They always differ to my surgeon. Unfortunately, the surgeon can only do so much. He is a surgeon...not a specialist for the GI, the kidneys, the live...
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Being Thankful...
2007-11-27 17:31:00
Forgive me for not writing as much as I would like on my blog, but, I have been really sick since surgery. In and out of the hospital. I am into my 7th week post-op surgery. I wished that I could say that I had more energy than Wonder Woman. I wished I could say that I even felt good. I wished I could say that I didn't regret the surgery. But, at week 7...it is official, I do regret it. Now, in 6 months....you may read this blog and see that I have changed my mind. Pray for me that I do. But, what I realize is...I have been thinking and doing a lot of thankful praying. I prayed before, but, this surgery has brought me so much closer to God. Everyday I wake up and thank God for my health, my family, husband, friends and the amazing outpouring of support from my church. I do have so much to be thankful for. I watch Joel Osteen a lot and his messages of faith and endurance has really kept me going. That, and the Bible. I have found that since I am at my lowest p...
More About: Hank

Weight Loss Surgery is like a bad break-up
2007-11-04 17:22:00
Ever been in love? I imagine everyone of us on this planet has experienced it to some degree. Ever had a break-up with your boyfriend/girlfriend? Some were bad and not so bad, right?Well, right now in my life, I liken Weight Loss Surgery to a really bad break-up. You know the kind...where you know it was the right thing to do, but, it hurts so bad. Your friends try and console you and tell you everything is going to be alright. Your friends also tell you that if you get an urge to call him...DON'T...call us first!!!Then, you do what you know you are not supposed to do. You call him. He is nice to you on the phone. Your heart flutters in hopes that there is a rekindled romance. He tells you that he can't talk right now, and you hear a female's voice in the background. You hang up the phone feeling stupid, mortified, and embarrassed. You want to throw up and in some cases...you do. You don't tell your friends because they would tell you that you shouldn't h...
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3 weeks post-op
2007-11-01 15:40:00
Today is exactly 3 weeks since surgery. I know I haven't written in a month or more. But, I was really struggling with a lot of different emotions pre-surgery and now post. You would think that it would be better to write it all out. But, somehow, I bottled it all up. I have to say this has been a hard recovery. it is strange, not so much the food. But, the frustration of exhaustion, limitations and how long it takes to get back to normal. I knew all of this going into it. But, it is different when you are actually in it. I have 3 children under the age of 7 and they have done great with Mommy out of surgery. My husband has been doing triple over time. My family has all pitched in, and friends. I am very blessed. What I am most frustrated with is that I want to get my energy back so that I can take things off of my husbands plate and everyone elses. I am starting to feel that this is too much for him all the work he has done. He has not complained on...
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Weight and your past
2007-09-12 02:55:00
I utterly and completely believe that so much of our weight comes from our past, our feelings about ourselves. I believe that our environment as a youth impacted our way of thinking about our bodies, especially as young women or men.Educating our children now is so important. I am all for Body Acceptance and Dieting should be eradicated from the earth!! :) I wished I had a foundation growing up based on accepting my body for the way it was. I wished that I wasn't put on a diet as a teenager. I wish I knew what healthy eating looked like, but, I can't go back and change it. My parents were stress eaters. I watched what they ate, and so much focus was on me being a "big girl", when in reality...I really wasn't. Dieting lead down a destructive path. A road that I wished I never took. But, I did and for other reasons that I will discuss later. That and being introduced to the world of dieting at such an early age led to some serious health issues for me. When you y...
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Get your head in the game!!
2007-09-10 03:09:00
I cannot stress enough to anyone looking to get any type of Weight Loss surgery done to "get your head in the game" aka do your emotional homework. Someone told me to take stock of my "emotional inventory". I was like "what?!"So, what does that mean?. Being overweight at any size (20lbs, 50lbs, 100lbs, 200lbs and up) there is usually an emotional component connected to it. The program that I am in at Duke is very serious about psychology. I think some people are scared to death of the Psychiatrists. Some are worried that they won't "pass" the psychological tests and they won't get to move through the program. I see so many people want to race through the process and click off the "to-do" list to get to surgery. I will admit that when they told me that they were putting me on "hold" until I went to weekly therapy sessions. I was like "what? I have done therapy before...this is not going to help". I felt like it was red tape. But, then when I started going....and I ...
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My first support group meeting..
2007-09-10 00:45:00
I went to my first support group meeting yesterday (not Duke sponsored) and it was so great to meet people who have already had surgery. In fact, I was the only pre-op. It was so inspirational to meet these beautiful ladies that had come out on the other side. One woman was 7 years out and to hear her advice and comments were invaluable. Don't get me wrong...it wasn't that their surgeries were all sunshine. Each of them had complications. I wanted to know the good, the bad, and the ugly. I knew of all the complications going into this. But, it was also good to hear real life experiences. But, each of them are fine...they are feeling better and their health is better. Of course, I had the "you don't look like you need surgery" talk. At first, it made me upset. But, then, I realize that it just a different perspective. I don't think it was meant to be negative. I am right at 5'8 and with these tennis shoes that I wear..it makes me about 5'10. I felt ex...
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Change of Blog Look...
2007-09-08 06:51:00
Shew!! A little simple edit to my blog ended up erasing the whole thing, including comments. Anywho....I decided that while I was piecing it back together, I would just give it a different look. I managed to find most of my old postings. Yes....you are on the right blog....I am back to blogging!!• Email to a friend • Related • •
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Technical Difficulties...
2007-09-06 07:12:00
Ok....Note to self....never try to change your blog to a new ID. I am ticked.......I have lost everything. But, no worries.... I will get it back. It may not be everything, but, I will do my best. So, no your eyes are not deceiving you.....it is me. Will be back up and running soon!!!• Email to a friend • Related • •
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Lightweight Club
2007-09-04 06:49:00
OK....this is the wildest thing that I have heard. I am considered in some weight loss surgery groups as part of the Lightweight "group". Wow...who would have known? A "lightweight?" Craziness!!! I am not sure what qualifies as a lightweight....I think it is those with a BMI of 45 or below. I think somewhere under 300-350lbs.I have to confess here...I have struggled with some issues that most people would never think of. I have a lot of friends and family saying "You are crazy...you don't need weight loss surgery", or "there is NO WAY that you could qualify". In one way, I try to take it as a compliment. In another...I realize that most people just don't understand my situation.This isn't about aesthetics for me. I hope it will be a nice side-effect. But, what those that are close to me don't know are things that I have kept from them. I think sometimes, people don't really want to hear all your "issues and complaints and ailments". I keep a lot to myself, even with those very ...
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Frustrated...
2007-09-01 06:48:00
I am feeling frustrated...... I haven't felt the best...not sure if it is some sort of stomach bug. All I know is that I have been hurting. Dr. took lots of tests and even sent me for a CT scan. My liver enzymes were elevated (doc said I had a little liver inflammation) and my CT scan showed a Fatty liver. I was NOT happy about that. What does fatty liver mean to me? Well...it is not from alcohol...I don't drink that much. It could be from some of the medications that I take for cholesterol, and high blood pressure. But, what I am told is that some people with Insulin resistance or diabetes...the way it your liver metabolizes fat or sugar can cause this. I have heard that a lot of overweight people have it.But, what the most concerning thing is...it is not good to have a fatty liver going into RNY surgery. I have contacted my surgeon about it. The main reason being is that they want your liver as small as possible to be able to maneuver around. What I hear happens to most people i...
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Saying Hello and Goodbye
2007-08-29 06:47:00
Knowing that I will be (hopefully) losing a 100lbs is mind boggling to me. That is a person, a whole person. Here is what I am looking forward to saying hello and goodbye to and a little sad at the same time:Looking forward to saying GOODBYE to:Granny pantiesPants that could house a small familyGetting bruises on the sides of my thighs from trying to sit in a beach chairSweating before I get out the door because I just walked down the stairsThe "swishy thigh walk"..you know what I am talking about. Where your thighs rub together and it hurts like heck because you now have a rashPeople asking me when my baby is due!The list is long....so, I will cut it short by stopping there.A little sad about saying goodbye to:My Diet Cokes/Diet Mt. DewIce CreamLoss of a friend (aka "the fat") who was with me during extremely rough times.That is about all I am sad about.Looking forward to saying hello to:RunningWalkingHikingGoing off my medications (bp, diabetes, cholesterol..need I go on?)Making a...
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Do you think.....
2007-08-28 06:43:00
that the way the world perceives obesity is sometimes the way that we expect them to perceive?Case in point....I went to 3 different stores today. I rarely look at people in the eye anymore. I automatically assume that they are making judgments about me. I am assuming that they are watching everything that I put in my shopping cart. I assume that if they smile at me, they must be an escape convict or something.But, in reality....could it be that just maybe they are not even thinking about what I look like for one minute? Maybe they are in such a hurry to get home to their life that they don't see anyone. Maybe they look straight past me because something not so happy is going on in their life. Maybe just maybe, it isn't all about me. But yet, I have already made my judgments and perceptions before I ever walk in that door. I automatically assume that people are staring at the "big girl".Maybe we just all need to get out of our heads for just a minute. Maybe we should start holding...

It is Officially....Official
2007-08-27 21:13:00
I officially have a surgery date!! October 11th!! I am so excited! They have given me my pre-op appointments, everything. Woo....taking a bit of a breath here.Being "officially official" has brought a whirlwind of emotions. I can't really explain it. One second it is true elation....the next second..."holy crap", the next second "How will I get everything done before then?", next second...looking ever so lovingly at my Diet Mountain Dew and realizing that I have to say good bye... for good. No more bubblies in the tummy. No more lots of things frankly. The realization that my whole world is about to get rocked is here. But, I am ok with it.I have tried...I really have. I have tried all the herbs, prescription weightloss meds, fasting, Dr. supervised diets, literally every diet on the market. I gave it all that I had. Can I say that I have been 100% all the time? No. I would be a liar if I said that. I am not perfect. But, I have done the best that I knew how to do.I am ready.Ȃ...
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Insurance Approval
2007-08-24 18:41:00
YEA!! I got insurance approval....wooo hooo!!! I am so excited!! Now, all we are waiting on is the actual "Certificate of approval" from Insurance . Then, Duke sets me up for a date for surgery. I hear that they are scheduling now in October. I should have a date in the next day or two.WOW.....a month from now is when I probably will be having surgery. It is not "real" to me yet. I imagine when I know the date and I start preparing and it gets closer...things are going to get really real.I just wanted to share my good news!!!Have a great Friday!!!• Email to a friend • Related • •

4 Years Ago Today....
2007-08-21 06:33:00
I was lying in the hospital, having been there for close to 3 weeks. I was very sick with high blood pressure, and a baby desperately needing to get out of my stomach. They warned me that her lungs weren't ready. The doctors had to give me a drug to help me not go into a seizure. I had pre-eclampsia.4 years ago today, the doctors said that our baby had to come out or that we both could die.She was born at 4:00 in the afternoon. She was so tiny and so beautiful. Her chest was puffing in and out so heavily. She was struggling to breathe. They let me kiss her for a millisecond and I never held her in my arms again for another week.She was rushed to the NICU. I was stuck in bed with IV's hanging out of me. Later that night, the nurses and doctors took pity on me and let my husband wheel me down to the NICU. I was still hooked to all types of medicines. There was still a fear that I would have a seizure afterwards.I wheeled myself right up to the window of the incubator that my tiny-in...
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What has the process of WLS been like thus far?
2007-08-21 06:27:00
I think that I have mentioned that I am going through Duke University's WLS Center. They have been named "Center of Excellence".I absolutely love everything about their program. I have said before that I am really big into researching and cross checking. I am very lucky to live in an area where there is such a well known establishment that has one of the best Bariatric programs around.It is an extensive program, as well it should be. I would be scared to death if I signed up a life changing event like this surgery and got it in a couple of weeks with no thoroughness/nada.First, they require that you attend a seminar with the surgeons to get a very in-depth briefing on what procedures they offer and every detail that you ever wanted to know about the process. They strongly encourage family/friend involvement. Then, if you feel like you are ready to apply to the program, then you have to fill out an application. You have to be approved to enter the program.Your first appointment is u...
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Musings at the Mall
2007-08-19 06:22:00
I am a lover of fashion. You would never ever know it by the way that I dress now. But, I am fascinated by colors, designs, trends, the way things shape your body. How the cloth feels against your skin, what type of texture is it?...does it hug too tight?, or does it flow? It's not that I don't want to be fashionable...but, the marketplace hasn't really helped us gals in the over size 14 department, not to mention...the size 24 department.But, being a Plus Size Gal....the mall can be an evil, evil place.The boutique stores mock me with the latest and greatest trends that go up to about a size "14" and sister...that is pushing it if you make up to the size 14. (you start getting the "look" if you ask if there are any bigger sizes in those types of shops)Then, there are the "department" stores that offer "Plus Size" clothing to us lovely ladies. I swear to goodness that the same designer makes all of the clothes and their names must be "Granny Ethyl and Gertie Gertrude". Because no...
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Fat Rant
2007-08-18 18:00:00
I am on a roll today with writing. I obviously am stressing and thinking about food way too much. So, I am writing a lot today to get my mind off of things. The kids are on play dates and that leaves me with a little bit of free time. SHOCK!!!When you watch this video from You Tube that I have on "Fat Rant ". She has such a good point! No matter what weight you are, if you feel like you are overweight...a lot of us use being overweight as an excuse. An excuse for so many things.Ok...here are my latest excuses....I am terrified of going to my High School Reunion because I am fat. Maybe on my 50th reunion or something. Because surely, I will be thinner when I am 80 something. Right?I will buy more clothes when I lose weight. Because larger sizes are too expensive and are just not fashionable. I will just stick to the oversized t-shirts and jogging pants, because that is really sexy.I can't go to my husbands work outing and have people see me like this. I will wait until I lose some mo...

I read this in People the other day....
2007-08-18 12:00:00
I read it in this month People about how Kirstie and Valerie Bertenelli have lost 100 something pounds between them. I think that is awesome. They are doing Jenny Craig. I did Jenny Craig way back in my early 20's. It was great. It is just over time, I added the weight back.But, something that Kirstie said in her article bothered me. She said that why she is opposed to Gastric Bypass is because you are still stuck with the problem of how you got fat in the first place. That is totally ok that she is against surgery. A lot of people are. However, maybe some people don't deal with the inside while working on the outside.But, I am here to tell you that is a huge part of this surgery. Dealing with feelings, your past, your hurts...your everything. In the program that I am in....it is a HUGE. She is right you might lose all that weight...but, you are still the same person on the inside. But, what I have had to go through is go alllllll the way back to my childhood and how my parents at...
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Someone stole my body!!!
2007-08-18 05:58:00
I am mad. Not an angry, bitter, old hag or anything. Just mad as hell. I feel like I woke up and someone stole my body in the middle of the night. However, these thieves weren’t your ordinary kind. They were kind enough to return my body. But, the cruel twist is that they returned the WRONG BODY!!! The body that they left me with was a size 22/24! OMG!!! I mean, how cruel can you get? Couldn’t they have returned a size 6 body or something? Not only that, this new body has all these aches and pains. And for the love of god…what is this cellulite they put on me? If you have any idea where my body could have gone…please let me know. I have already put out an APB. The only response that I have received was…..”Have you thought about a diet…maybe you will be able to find her that way?” Bitch… • Email to a friend • Related • •
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Any day now
2007-08-17 06:14:00
Alrighty then, I suppose that patience isn't one of my best virtues. Today marks one week that my "file" has been sent off to insurance. I am told that a week and 1/2 is the longest it may take. But, I guess I have forgotten about the 2 weekend days in there. Oy!! I even called my "insurance angel" at Duke today. When I say angel...i mean angel...she is a saint to put up with people like me calling her everyday.I know in the scheme of things, this wait is nothing. But, to me it is everything. I have been through hoops, and so much therapy (more to continue, I am sure), tests galore and I am finally ready. But, it is all dependent on insurance at this point. I am not good with the unknown.What will happen if I get the dreaded "no"? I know that I will appeal. But, at that point...I will feel lost. I will keep trying the next diet or "way of living". But, frankly...I do believe that I will be devastated. I continue to think positive. This is how it always works for me. When I stress a...

Insurance
2007-08-16 06:13:00
I am on my way now!! I have just been told by Duke that my file has been sent off to insurance. I really don't have a gage on how long it will take to hear back. Of course, I am excited, but, I am also very nervous. Right now, Insurance is the only thing standing in between me and the surgery. It is such a scary thing to have "big corporation" holding fate into your hands.I meet all of the qualifications for insurance. Qualifications for surgery is to be a BMI of 40 or more, or a BMI of 35 or more with co-morbitities. I am in the 35 or more group. I am right around 37 or 38. I have high blood pressure, high cholesterol, insulin resistance (taking glucophage for it), joint pain and should I keep going? Goodness....I feel like a 100 year old woman. I am only 38.I am remaining positive and full of hope. I am so ready to get my health back, my life back.Hoping for the best!!• Email to a friend • Related • •

Transfer Addiction
2007-08-16 06:00:00
What is transfer addiction? Well, in the Weight loss community (whether you have surgery or not). It is a process that you have to go through to really figure out what it is that you are going to substitute for food. For me, food was my best friend. We were thick as thieves. I didn’t always over eat. When I was an athlete, I used it as fuel to see how good I could get at that particular sport. When I was a cheerleader, I would withhold it to see how thin I could get. (which never happened). When I had a fight with a friend, or a bad break-up…my lover “Mr. Godiva” would come and rescue me from the pain. Then, when I got married and had children and other stresses came up. I would make excuses and say “hey, I deserve home made ice cream today…I worked 10 hours and then am a full time mom”. But, you see..I have a sordid past if you will. Like probably 90% of the world. Things happened in my life that I consider a tragedy. Sometimes, it made me become so fierce in overcom...
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