Chandra Unplugged - No nonsense, Straight-up bloggChandra Unplugged - No nonsense, Straight-up bloggFrom love, work and relationships, to meditation, the Self and consciousness, Life Coach Chandra Alexander, MSW, cuts to the core of what's real and true. A real find for anyone on the path of authenticity.
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The TRUTH about Spiritual Experiences
2008-05-26 14:06:00 Let’s talk about spiritual experiences so we can get that over with since there is a lot of hype out there. Many of us have bought into the idea that attaining consciousness is an experience, perhaps a divine one, but an experience anyway; the final step in a long earthly journey. But nothing could be farther from the truth. TRUTH is, not a noun a place that we get to and stop, but a verb, an experience that is constantly moving. I have known people who have had wild and intense spiritual experiences and I’m here to say they have very little to do with consciousness. Often on drugs, people have experiences of oneness, only to wake up the next morning and feel separate and alone. You can have a spiritual experience and still live a very unconscious life. And that’s because spiritual experiences pass, just like everything else in the universe. Everything is moving and changing all the time. ... More About: Truth , Spiritual , Experiences , The Truth
Authenticity=Consciousness
2008-05-21 14:32:00 I talk a lot about relationships - how to use them as a barometer to see where we are really at – how healthy we are, what we need to work on. Our relationships should show us who we really are and where we need to pay attention. Now I am very respectful of relationships and want you all to have strong, healthy ones …but very honestly, the relationship I care the most about is the one you have with yourself. The relationship you have with yourself correctly reflects how you understand the universe and your relationship with it. The degree that you know and love yourself is the degree that you will know and love the universe. How well you understand your human existence will accurately reflect your understanding of how the world works. This is the microcosm in the macrocosm – a human life holds all the elements of the larger whole. To understand the Self is to understand the universe.... More About: Authenticity , Consciousness
The Essence of Authenticity
2008-05-19 14:10:00 I don't know how many of you know the "sugar" story of Mahatma Ghandhi. A woman brought her young son to Ghandhi and said, "Please tell my son to stop eating sugar. It is stunting his growth and is bad for him." Ghandhi looked at the woman and said, "Please come back in a month." The woman was a little perplexed, but she turned and left. A month later she came with her son and asked Ghandhi the same question. "Can you please tell my son to stop eating sugar?" Ghandhi looked the young boy in the eye and said, "Stop eating sugar. It is bad for you and will stunt your growth." The boy replied, "If you tell me to stop, I will stop." The woman was pleased but she also looked confused so she turned around and came back and said to Ghandhi, "When I was here a month ago you told me to come back in a month. Why did you do that? What's the difference betwe... More About: Authenticity
Dreading Family Gatherings?
2008-05-14 14:30:00 Do you dread family gatherings? If you have a meddling mother-in-law that is constantly critical or a father-in-law that drinks too much and is bigoted, you are most probably anxious at family functions. Learn the best way to deal with these problems before, during and after dinner. Potential problems need to be addressed and discussed BEFORE everyone shows up.If you are dreading a family gathering it is because you are feeling things that need to be addressed and you are avoiding them. Focusing on negative feelings actually brings those things to you. What we focus on grows! BEFORE anyone shows up, you need to be clear and not confused. Partners need to support one another and be very clear about priorities.This is very important. Unless partners are aligned, the rule of the day is “divide and conquer.” A boundary set by two is always more powerful than one set by one. Abusive behavior is never acceptable, regardless of the situation.&n... More About: Family
How Not to Make the Same Mistake Twice
2008-05-12 14:30:00 We all make mistakes; that is the process of living of life. But how many times do you need to make the same mistake? Time is moving along, so it is best to figure out how not to make the same mistake twice. We all learn by making mistakes – this is the process of discovery.It’s impossible to live a life and not make mistakes. This is how we learn about ourselves. Sometimes we enter through the back door; we learn what NOT to do. You do not have to experience everything on the physical plane in order to “get it”.Life is created from the inside out. That means that before something manifests on the physical plane, it is already created on the inside. By the time it surfaces on the physical plane, it has speed and critical mass; in other words, a lot of energy is behind it. So…if you feel uneasy, know things are happening that do not feel good to you, you can stop the forward momentum before the mistake manifests on the physica... More About: Make , Same Mistake
Does Passion Really Diminish Over Time?
2008-05-08 03:53:00 We all buy into the platitude that passion diminishes over time but just because many people say the same thing doesn’t make it so. If you feel your relationship is stagnant and has stopped growing, learn why “love grows if you’re not in a coma”. 1. If you stay awake, passion naturally grows over time. · Being awake means being alive and aliveness is the same as passion. · Living in the present moment is the only way to feel passion. · A willingness to feel ALL of life is what allows us to live in the present moment. 2. You cannot “love” unless you like the other person. · How many times have you heard someone say, “I don’t like him, but I love him?” What does that mean? It makes no sense to me. · How can you love s... More About: Time , Passion
Are You Grieving?
2008-05-05 14:30:00 Are you grieving over the loss of a loved one? Whether you are around friends, family, acquaintances, or strangers, understand that grieving is a natural and normal part of life. If you are grieving and are having trouble being with others, here are a few ways to better deal with your loss. Grieving is a natural part of life – we grieve when we lose something we love.For some reason, in the West, we deal with grieving, death and dying, as unspeakable subjects. It is as though we think if we don’t talk about them, they will go away. But they don’t go away because they are inherent in life; the cycle of birth and death rages on. Every death – the death of a loved one, the losing of a job, the ending of a relationship, even though it might have been dysfunctional, - summons up every other death. Judith Rossner says in her book August, “After the first death, there is no other.” There is no “normal” timeframe to stop grieving – the grievi...
Chemistry and Compatibility
2008-04-30 14:00:00 Are you and your partner compatible but have no sexual chemistry? If you are struggling with this issue, you are not alone. My experience is that all great relationships have both chemistry and compatibility. If you feel this is a problem, it is. Ignoring it makes it worse.This problem does not go away, not matter what excuses you make or how much you want it to disappear. Actually, over time, it gets worse. You are not being selfish to want both – you deserve it.Ask yourself: Do I deserve to have both a best friend and a lover? And mostly, do you deserve love? You cannot talk yourself into chemistry or compatibility. There is only one thing sadder than two people who have good sexual chemistry yet can’t seem to be good friends, and that is best friends who just don’t have that sexual chemistry. Oftentimes, best friends stay together and deny their sexual nature; resentment usually builds over time. When you have b... More About: Chemistry , Compatibility
Having To Be Right
2008-04-28 14:19:00 Do you have to be right all the time? Isn’t it exhausting? It took me a long time to figure out, but I prefer feeling right to being right. 1. Feeling right is always better than being right. · How many times have you been right but felt lousy afterward? You’ve proved your point, gotten the other person to agree with you; you should be feeling great, but you don’t. · Giving up the need to always be right is the beginning of having a loving relationship. · Feeling connected is what it’s all about, not being right. 2. Feeling good about being right is always short-lived. · The immediate boost from being right is always short-lived. This is about the ego, i.e., a momentary conquest that has no legs and will not go the distance. · ...
Tired of Being Addicted and Want To Stop?
2008-04-23 14:14:00 Are you tired of being addicted to painkillers or tranquillizers and don’t know how to stop? Are you in denial and tell yourself you can stop if you want to but still have not. If you are getting weary of being a slave to your addictions, ask yourself the following: Do you spend a large amount of time and energy thinking about your addiction? If you are thinking about when you can take another pill, you have an addiction problem. My experience is that when there is a pain management issue, the medication controls the pain but you do not get high. If you are getting high from your pain medication, you are taking to much and will most probably get addicted. Do you realize the psychological addiction is harder to break than the physical addiction? There is nothing more difficult to break than a psychological addiction. I have known people who are medically detoxed (in the hospital) and still cannot beak their addiction even though they are no... More About: Stop , Tired , Addicted
Are You Abusing Prescription Medication?
2008-04-21 14:05:00 Do you know that addiction to prescription medications is 10X the problem of illegal drugs? If you are abusing tranquillizers, painkillers and stimulants, these are the questions you need to ask yourself. Are you exceeding the recommended dosage?There is a recommended dosage for a reason – more than the recommended amount can cause addiction, psychological as well as physical. Did you know the psychological addiction is much, much harder to break than the physical? Do you take these pills in secret?Is this your little secret? If the actual medical reason for taking these pills is no longer applicable but you are still taking them – you are taking them in secret. Are you aware of the short and long term adverse side effects?Every prescription medication that you take has long and short term side effects. You can read about these either in the literature or looking up the drug on the internet. Addictions build slowly and have a cumu... More About: Medication , Prescription
Avoiding Being Alone
2008-04-16 14:00:00 Are you afraid to spend time alone and will you do anything to avoid it? If you are constantly avoiding alone time, here are some things to think about that just might help in setting you free. Is doing “anything” better than being alone?If doing anything feels better than being alone, you need to deal with this issue, because doing “anything” is not better than being alone. When we run from something (being alone), the focus remains on the running and not what we are doing. Do you feel anxious when faced with the prospect of being alone?The feeling of anxiety lets us know that the feelings we are running from are beginning to rise to the surface; that’s what happens when we spend time alone. You will always feel anxious when you enter unknown territory. You are used to being distracted. When you are alone, many of those familiar distractions are removed; as a result, you will initially feel anxious. You must face your fears or you wil...
Unleashed Anger is Abuse
2008-04-14 14:10:00 Are you living with someone whose anger is out of control? Unleashed anger is a form of emotional abuse. Ask yourself the following questions: Does your partner’s rage scare you?Be honest. Do you recoil when your partner exhibits aggressive behavior? Aggressive behavior is designed to shut you up, to cause you to back away, to scare you. Anger comes in many forms – verbal as well as physical – psychological as well as emotional and mental. Do you think about everything you say before you say it?If part of this scenario is that you have a “walking on eggs” relationship that means you are tiptoeing around the other person; you are afraid of the other’s reaction. Continually thinking what you are going to say before you say it is a form of torture and yet many people live this way. There is nothing worse than constantly going over your words, trying to make sure you say the right thing. Once you are in this place,... More About: Abuse
Sad or Depressed?
2008-04-09 14:00:00 Are you really depressed or are you just sad? If you’ve been told you’re depressed but just feel really sad, learn the difference between clinical depression and normal sadness. Life is a mixture of both happy and sad. This is normal and natural. · To accept life in its fullness is to understand that life is a mixture of both happy and sad. It is okay to be sad because sometimes things are sad.We are okay with happy but we have trouble with sad and yet there are as many opportunities in a day to be sad as there are to be happy. Depression results when you do not deal with your sadness.We often think our sadness is depression, but it is not. We get depressed when we don’t deal with our sadness. Sadness is part of every human life. When we lose something we get sad and when someone dies we get sad. Anti-depressants take away the pain (really the anxiety), but keep us numb. ... More About: Depressed
Knowing Your Self
2008-04-07 14:00:00 Are you recently divorced, widowed or on your own for the first time and trying to figure who you are and what makes you feel good? The process of getting to know your Self – possibly for the first time – can be daunting. Being scared is a natural part of the process. Don’t let being afraid scare you. Anytime you do something for the first time it is daunting. Acknowledging and accepting the fear allows you to be brave.What’s the big deal? So what if this is the beginning of the process – at least you are beginning and it can only get better from here. Real bravery is only possible when you are scared, otherwise, what we call bravery is really machismo. This is a perfect opportunity to try new things.Experiment. Put everything into the practice category. A woman stopped a man on the street in Manhattanand asked him, “How can I get to Carnegie Hall?’ “Practice, practice, practice”, said... More About: Knowing
A Sexless Relationship
2008-04-02 14:00:00 Are you in a “sexless” relationship with a partner who does not see this as a problem? If you feel this is important to you, you need to talk to your partner about it now. Have you told your partner that this is a problem? It is your responsibility to speak up. · Speaking up is the beginning and possibility of change. Unless you speak up there is no changing this situation. · We are often afraid to say anything because instinctively we know that if we do, the status quo - as we know it - can never be the same. Stop rationalizing and pretending it is okay if it is not. · There is nothing worse than pretending; it is a denial of the Self and all that it stands for. Pretending sends a message to the inner Self that says, “I am not worth it”. You are entitled to want sex and physical intimacy in your life even though your partner does... More About: Relationship
Living in the Present Moment
2008-03-31 14:10:00 Do you constantly think about the past or fantasize about the future? If you do, you are missing the ONLY way to have a great life – living in the present moment. When you live in the past or the future: You are always in your head thinking, never just experiencing the moment. · Thinking your way through life, you have kept the energy above the neck, and it needs to be below the neck, in the heart. When the mind is quiet, the heart opens. Only then, can you experience joy. · Thinking keeps you one step away from the action. The action is the moment and anything else is either the past or the future. · Remember, even when you are in the past or the future, it is thinking that is taking place in the present moment. (The koan of living in the present moment) Fantasizing is different than actually doing something about your dreams.There is ... More About: Living , Moment , Present
Division of Labor Issues
2008-03-26 13:00:00 How’s the division of labor in your house? Did you both agree that you’d be a stay-at-home mom and now your husband tells you “You have it easy?” Do you feel you do “everything” around the house and feel resentful because of it? Do you have a relationship where each partner brings something different but equal, or are you struggling for equality in your relationship? 1. Did you both decide you would stay home and raise the children and he would have a job outside the house? · If you both decided on how you would divide the duties in your house, why are you now having these issues? · Just because a woman agrees to take care of the children does not mean she will take care of everything. And just because a man makes the money, does not mean that he is not part of taking care of the house and children. · Both partners do diff... More About: Issues , Labor , Division
Do You Lie?
2008-03-24 13:00:00 Do you lie? Do you know that the focus of lying is never about the lie, but about the person telling it? Things You Need To Know About Lying: Lying has nothing to do with the specific lie being told; it has to do with a person’s character.Lying is NEVER okay. Ask yourself – If you told this person the truth might he make a decision other the one he is making? When your objective is to deceive or withhold information from the other person in some way, you are lying. Check out Sisela Bok, 1978, Lying, Moral Choice in Public and Private Life. (Clich here to learn more about lying) If you excuse lying sometimes, you will continue to lie.Do not excuse lying. You tell yourself you do not want to hurt her feelings, but in the end, you end up hurting her more. Sometimes it is difficult to tell another how you are really feeling, but at this point it is merely a communication problem. Learn how to be authentic and at the same time take into account an...
Are You Constantly Stressed Out?
2008-03-19 13:00:00 Are you constantly stressed out and don’t know what to do? We’re constantly told that we need to manage stress. But is managing stress the best we can do? How about getting rid of stress rather than managing it? “Managing” stress is avoiding the problem. · Deal with the problem. We are usually stressed out because we are not dealing with what is. We rationalize unpleasant and unhealthy situations because confronting them produces anxiety. What we don’t realize is that not dealing with them produces anxiety in the form stress. What stresses us out is what we fear. (Eliminating Stress) · I would much rather deal with a specific problem, feel the fear and anxiety, and know that it is not going to last forever. Stress is something we constantly carry with us when we do not deal with our issues. Confront issues by accepting responsibili...
Do You Feel Stuck?
2008-03-17 13:00:00 Do you feel stuck in your relationship and can’t figure out what to do next? How do you know if you are stuck and the right questions to ask yourself: 1. You keep repeating the same story over and over again. Are you finally bored with your story? Until you are tired of hearing the same old stuff, you can never move on. Ready to get "unstuck" (Click here and start by being curious) 2. You tell friends and family to get consensus for your point of view. Anyone who is not sympathetic to your tale of woe quickly gets deleted from your phone. The more people you can get who agree with you, the more validated and “right” you feel. But the ego is only assuaged for the moment, and you quickly get on the phone to call the next person. Remember, you can “be right” but not “feel right”. And a note to friends... More About: Feel
Staying or Leaving?
2008-03-12 13:02:00 Is your relationship in jeopardy and are you wondering whether to leave or stay? Here are some questions to ask yourself before you make this life changing decision. Have you stopped blaming your mate and accepted 100% responsibility for your part in this relationship?One hundred percent!! Not fifty percent or seventy percent. Accepting full responsibility for your life and the relationship you created automatically gives you back the power to create something different going forward. Are you willing to do whatever you have to do to work on your issues?First, are you willing to look at just yourself and not your partner? Unless you are prepared to focus on your stuff, you will always end up making excuses. The best time to leave a relationship is when you know you have done all you can do to work on your issues and still you are not in sync with your partner. Do you feel this is where you “belong”, no matter what the trials and tribulat... More About: Leaving
Secrets Can Be Poison
2008-03-10 13:00:00 Are you keeping a secret about yourself that’s killing you on the inside? If you are, understand why these secrets are poison and keep you from loving relationships. The Truth about Secrets : Secrets foster shame and guilt.We keep secrets because we are uncomfortable with the feelings we will have to feel if we deal with our “secrets”. There is no way to heal, unless you are willing to feel and secrets provide us with that opportunity. When we work at keeping our secrets hidden, we end up feeling shameful. Dr. James Pennebaker says: By not talking about upsetting experiences, people don’t tie things together. They’ll think about this part of it, or that part of it, or another part of it, but it’s hard for them to see how the trauma may be affecting them in a broader sense. And by keeping big secrets or withholding trauma, they are not connecting with their friends because they are withholding a significant part of who they are from them. (Click here ... More About: Poison
Out of Control Children
2008-03-06 14:00:00 Is your child out of control? If so, it is important to understand how out of control children are often the result of parents without boundaries. Out of control behavior occurs because we allow it. · We teach children how to behave by the way we behave. If you are not willing to stop bad behavior, it will continue. · Children intuitively know whether you mean what you say. It’s a child’s basic nature to test limits. · It is a child’s basic nature to say yes when we say no. This response is not so much testing you as it is testing them. How far can they go before someone says stop and means it? They are waiting for someone to say stop. Children need boundaries to feel safe and understand the world. · Boundaries create safety; they give children parameters for moving about in this crazy worl... More About: Control , Out Of Control
The Differences Between Men and Women
2008-03-04 14:00:00 Are you confused about the differences between men and women? Men and women are really not as mysterious as we make them out to be. Men and women are different – enjoy it.Viva la difference. I do not want a man who is like my girlfriends. There is a masculine/feminine polarity that forms an arch between a man and a woman. It is what creates the chemistry, the passion and is absolutely essential in juicy relationships The things that make a woman feel good are different than the things that make a man feel good. I saw Chris Rock last night on HBO. He said women spend too much time trying to figure men out. He said, “Good food, a good nap, and sex (it doesn’t even have to be very good…..) Making a woman feel like the prize, that’s what makes a woman feel good. Women enjoy conversation more than solving problems.Men enjoy solving problems more than having conversation. When a woman talks she wants... More About: Differences , Men and Women
Making The Same Mistakes Again and Again
2008-03-02 15:00:00 Looking for your match and afraid of making the same mistakes again? If you don’t learn from past experience – what’s the point? As all of us know, there is no end to the number of times we can keep making the same mistakes. Learn how to not make the same mistake twice. Accept responsibility for EVERY relationship you have ever been in.None of this 50/50 BS. Take 100 percent responsibility and you will take back 100% of your power. I had a moment of enlightenment many years ago when I was getting out of a major relationship. My friends agreed with me that he was so shallow and I was so deep (ah…to have good friends); a real mismatch. But my realization.. was that for the time we were together we were a perfect match. My stuff overlapped his stuff and that as much as I complained about his ability to be intimate, if I could have really done it, (be intimate), I certainly wouldn’t have stayed with someone who could...
Finding a Match
2008-02-28 14:00:00 Are you looking for your match and not quite sure how to find it? What to know when you are looking for a match and the clues and questions to ask yourself: You learn what you want by knowing what you don’t want.We never wake up one day and know exactly what we want. We usually go in trough the back door, figuring out all the things we don’t like. “Not this, not this”, we say all the while moving closer to what works for us, You will attract to you who you are.You will automatically attract a match for your vibration. If you don’t like what your are attracting, take a look at yourself and stop until you can honestly reassess. There is never a “right” time to say what you feel. Speak up and ask questions.Right now is the right time. When you try to figure out when the right time is, you lose important time, time that belongs to you. Unless you learn from your mistakes, you will keep repeating what doesn... More About: Match
How Do I Know If I Have A Food Addiction?
2008-02-26 14:00:00 Are you a compulsive eater constantly struggling with your weight? Learn why compulsive eating is a food addiction that you can break. Ask yourself: How do I know if I have a food addiction? You either binge or “graze” – never eating normal amounts at regular mealtimes. · And others comment about it as well. Your focus is always on food, regardless of how little or much you eat. Overeating is always followed by depression, guilt, shame or disgust. · You know better and can’t stop yourself. That inability too control your cravings makes you feel shameful and disgusted with yourself. You eat normally in front of others and binge in secret. · This is about shame. There is nothing that can make you feel more than shameful than doing things in secret, in hiding. You continue to eat even after you are full or sick. ... More About: Food , Addiction
Body Image Issues
2008-02-24 14:00:00 If you struggling with weight and body image issues, understand why it important to like how you look. You are a whole person – the outside is just as important as the inside.We try and cut and paste our life, making the outside different than the inside and end up making excuses for why we don’t feel good about the way we look. If you are making excuses, you need to stop. You have free will and can change what doesn’t work for you.This is self-explanatory. Get cracking. I am not taking about being an exercise fanatic, or being pre-occupied with how you look; I am talking about being pleased about walking around as you. You live in the world as well as your house. You need to feel comfortable wherever you are.Getting dressed, going out, do you feel comfortable in your skin? The world’s reaction to us is nothing more than a reflection of who we are. If you are not pleased with your Self, the world will ref... More About: Body , Issues , Image
I"m Not Going To Change"
More articles from this author:2008-02-21 14:00:00 How many times have you said or heard, “I’m not going to change. I like myself exactly as I am”? The willingness to change is essential to love and happiness and without it, we stop growing. Change is always about you, not the other person. When you do it for someone else it never works. · So often we “change” to please another person not understanding that the change will be short-lived at best. The only time changing works if it is really what we want to do. It has to come from very deep inside and there needs to be a firm resolve. That resolve is what keeps you going during the hard times and doesn’t allow you to give up. Unless you are willing to change what doesn’t work you will keep getting the same results. All behavior has critical mass and momentum. Remember, time does nothing but pass. Things that are bad get worse over time, so anyone who says, “Le... 1, 2 |
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