Hopecube.com Community BlogHopecube.com Community BlogCommunity blog of Hopecube.com, a site dedicated to helping people with health issues find support and hope. Articles
Mom Problems
2008-05-12 02:06:00 My mother drives me totally crazy. First of all, she does not recognize mental illness as a disease. She always says I would be better if i got off the pills. She just doesn't understand that I need these medications to live. If I didn't have them I know I would be dead right now. I just got out of the hospital for the ninth time being treated for severe depression with suicidal ideation. Our mental health center here is closing so we have to find another psychiatrist. I have chosen to go to the psychiatrist that treats me when I am hospitalized but he is two hours away from home. Because I have narcolepsy, I have to have a driver. The date of my appointment is a day that my husband has to work 3-11 so I will need someone else to drive me. I asked my mom if she thought my sister could help me out and she said she didn't know. But, she also said, "I hope they can help you this time!" It wasn't so bad she said it, it was the way she said it. All the times... More About: Problems
Mechanical Heart Value
2008-05-09 17:43:00 Hi New person on the block. Last December I had open heart surgery. They told me I was going to died within the year if I didn't have surgery. I felt good I had no symptoms other than some shortness of breathe and a slight pain in my left upper chest area. I felt happy and was exercising one hour daily. Now I feel unhappy I always have a slight headache I have no motivation to exercise. I have to take warfrin to thin my blood. The doctor explained that some times when they stop the heart people my have depression. Well I've never had depression in my life. Now I feel sad all the time. Thanks for listening. pinkpearl More About: Heart , Mechanical
I did it again.
2008-05-06 12:34:00 It's worse than I've ever done before. I have to wrap from my wrist to my elbow to cover it. What's even worse is that this is the second day in a row that I've done it at work. Why is it so soothing to watch my own blood fall?
dog attack
2008-05-06 11:09:00 yesterday i was talking to my nabor and his boxer jumped the fence and bit me. i had to go to the hospital later that day and get stitches. i get them out next week. More About: Attack
Turn the music down
2008-05-06 06:23:00 Eh.. It’s three in the morning. XD Thought I’d make an entry since I haven’t yet this week. I had a dream last night- or at least the only dream I can remember. It was about trains.. Four of them. I was trying to figure out when they would stop and start and was walking along beside them. To dream that you are walking alongside the railroad tracks, signifies much happiness from your skillful completion of your tasks. Alternatively, the dreamer may have a tendency to worry needlessly over a situation that will prove to work out in the end.. That makes me laugh. I Haven’t been remembering any of my dreams lately though.. I guess it’s good I remembered at least one, but still.. Trains? Oh! I remembered another one I had last night. I was with Heidi in an apartment- the one where I lived when I was about nine. Heidi and I were moving. She wanted to split everything into two rooms. I whined, telling her no- only one room. Then she went over to a box and pi... More About: Music , The Music , Turn
Arthritis Pain
2008-05-05 08:03:00 Arthritis is a complex disorder that comprises more than 100 distinct conditions and can affect people at any stage of life. Two of the most common forms are osteoarthritis and rheumatoid arthritis………… ….. This interesting article is posted by "Steven Godlewski" at http://www.healthocrates.com/Arthritis-Pa in-and-Vitamin-Supplements. For more information visit :- http://www.healthocrates.com More About: Pain , Arthritis
and so it begins…
2008-05-04 15:21:00 Well, i'm gonna be honest with everyone..i cut again on Wednesday, causing my 5 month cut free streak to end. I'm really sad about it, but i was so upset, i was crying uncontrollably, everything was spinning, i was feeling sick, i didn't know what to do, i couldn't sleep, and the blade was staring me down. i did it about 15 times, but they were light (because i had to work with my mom on Saturday and i had to make sure they wouldn't be noticeable), so they healed pretty quick. Basically, my school work is pressing down on me and i can't handle it anymore. just going day by day is hard enough. I have literally 4 essays due by monday and a fifth by tuesday, 2 project presentations this week, and 5 independent study projects for excel due by the 15th. I'm having trouble just trying to keep my cool. I'm okay now though, the urges are no longer coming as bad and there are very few times when i wanna hit. i'm going airsofting on the 17th ...
The State of Our World
2008-05-04 13:50:00 I found a meditation course that starts next week. And I actually have those days off from work, so I'm going to attend. It's a good starting point. I've completely bombed on my attempt to write a book. Maybe I'll try again, someday. I have a good start on finding a (new) direction. It's hard, though. Everything I once believed in has blown up in my face and I don't even know what I care about anymore. All I really know for sure is that I exist, and that there's a reason for it. Other than that, I haven't a clue. I'm right now just accepting what is. Trying not to judge it as good or bad. (That's a challenge) I'd still like to find love. Someone to share the rest of my life with, but I don't know if that will ever happen. I'm trying to be okay with the fact that it might not. I know that the older I get, the less likely it is to happen... More About: World , State , The State
Hey
2008-05-03 01:44:00 Okie dokie here's my first blog post. :3 Hello everyone! I just finished my first college semester at Jacksonvilel State University. I'm studying to be either a zookeeper or a wildlife rehabilitator. Also, I've applied for a job at the vet's office. Cross your fingers for me! I've been occupying myself with The Sims 2 Pets and Fire Emblem, as well as hanging out with my friend and such. Also I've deleted Low Self-Esteem from my list cause it's pretty much gone. Men still creep me out, but I know that's a small matter since I managed to hang out with a guy and his friends with no friends of mine around. XD See what can be accomplished when you try to make your life better instead of feeling sorry for yourself? I got through this and so can you. :3
Just lost in a Simple Game of Cat and Mouse?
2008-05-02 21:35:00 While my standardized testing is over, and I have decided to stick with homeschooling through high school, I am feeling lost. Astray from what I could be. I know what comes with staying home these next four years. It's not long, and yes I'm nervous. I'm scared. I don't want to screw up. Those feelings of being lost and depressed are really getting to me. My siblings are screaming and yelling more and my parents are bickering more. When that happens my mom leans on me for support. I don't mind giving it, but when I'm this stressed I come off as a whiny brat when I can't explain myself maturely enough. My piano teacher is noticing that my quality of music on the keys is suffering. She knows that I've been working hard in school but she also knows the standardized tests are over, so I'm running out of excuses before I'm going to just have to face the truth. The whole point through this all is that I've had my firs... More About: Lost , Game , Simple , Mouse
ZZzzzz
2008-05-02 14:46:00 I feel so bored though, in spite of everything that i have. Just feel bored, like there is nothing new in life. (doesn't mean I'm gonna kill myself or whathaveyou, it's just bored…….) I feel kind of homesick too…….. No entertainment………&hel lip;. Probably this because I dont find my purpose in life. So sleepy…………&he llip;.
yesterday..:(
2008-05-01 15:01:00 After i got home i cant belive what i did.. i cut my self again i should not do this but i felt like death would be a peaceful . I have scars on my wrist now and i dont know why i stopped…it must have been my sis again if i ever killed my self then she would too and i cant let her do that. my family needs me so much my mom, bro and sis but i want them to forget about me so if i ever did go it would not hurt them. there has to be away people say things get better but they only get worse i look forward to something that will never happen. i have to find a way to make it not hurt them in the end More About: Yesterday
suicide kinda souds like the right thing for me
2008-04-30 10:28:00 I dont know why but i feel so depressed right now i just want to die. i feel like it would solve everything and it would be great to not see any one suffer any more. More About: Suicide , Kinda , Thing
ANIME FAN
2008-04-29 14:19:00 hey guys, i had a big change in my life recently, iam onefi of the presidents on a anime club!! me and my only friend in real life made it up, hes got lots of friends, i dont got any friends that are as close as him, we are only friends and people think we are actually going out, i hate it!, plus i got a boyfriend i dont even like anymore, i dont know why, i guess….i dont know thats happening to my "love life" anymore. Either way i dont want to think about that, i am really happy because we have ourself and anime club, YAY!!!! More About: Anime
ANIME FAN
2008-04-29 14:19:00 hey guys, i had a big change in my life recently, iam onefi of the presidents on a anime club!! me and my only friend in real life made it up, hes got lots of friends, i dont got any friends that are as close as him, we are only friends and people think we are actually going out, i hate it!, plus i got a boyfriend i dont even like anymore, i dont know why, i guess….i dont know thats happening to my "love life" anymore. Either way i dont want to think about that, i am really happy because we have ourself and anime club, YAY!!!! More About: Anime
almost gone
2008-04-29 00:28:00 i just realize that i will be going to the 9th grade and i will meet new people. the friends that i have right now are going to leave me just like the rest. iam no good at making friends. so how will i survive highschool. i will be friend less and depressed and then maybe kill myself. i hate feeling alone.
Insomnia and other stuff
2008-04-28 09:42:00 So it's about 4AM and I'm not asleep. My meds. don't cut it for me anymore. I keep waking up thanks to my cold. I haven't been sleeping well at all most of the semester. I have my reasons other than I can't seem to fall asleep. Who doesn't right? I'm not so hungry either. I can eat, but I'm just not into what I'm eating. I'll pick at it, or shove it on one side of a plate, or just won't finish it all. It's not like me. I usually eat very well, too well lots of times. I'm numb when it comes to feelings again. It's gotten worse now. I just don't react much. It feels like a huge stone wall was built and I can't break it. The numbness even goes as far as senses. I can't feel other people if they give me hugs or touch me. I can see the what they are doing, but I feel like my reactions are slowed or almos... More About: Stuff , Insomnia
Panic Attacks
2008-04-27 21:16:00 Living with this for years. Still waiting for some relief from panic attacks. Anyone have any suggestions besides meds? More About: Attacks , Panic , Panic attacks
From this minute now
2008-04-27 17:54:00 Heidi says she has ovarian cancer… Whooo… She said she can’t work for six months and will be in and out of the hospital. When she kept repeating herself, I just hung up.. I refuse to listen to her sob over the phone. Look where years of addictions have gotten her… I spent last Saturday with Erica. We looked for dresses.. She couldn’t fit into a size fourteen, so didn’t buy a dress.. Plus sizes start at fourteen, I think- and the stores we were at didn’t have plus sizes.. We laughed about it though. I had a very good time. I laughed a lot more than I thought I would. Yuki came in this weekend. I didn’t get to see him since it wasn’t my turn to visit Heidi. Things wouldn’t have gone well if I was there with Heidi though. She says she’s going into the hospital next week and that I need to take the cats and dog…. Yay? I had a dream when I was at Erica’s. My science teacher was in a fast food place. He was rummaging through his wallet, trying to find his mo... More About: Minute
Just Venting
2008-04-27 12:45:00 As many know, I work in the dining room of a retirement center. On weekends, some of the residents' adult offspring come to visit and join them at lunch. One of these visitors is a horrible woman who treats her parents like little kids. Talks down to them, speaks for them, makes decisions for them as if they were incapable of making their own. These are wonderful people who are perfectly capable of thinking for themselves, and it just makes me so mad to see them robbed of their dignity like that. Especially when the person doing it is someone for whom they did everything. I complained to the supervisor about her yesterday. I don't know if anything can be done, though. If she overheard me, she'll probably try to make trouble for me. I don't care. If she overheard me, at least she knows that someone saw what she does. Not that it probably matters to her. Anyway, just venting to get it out of my system as ...
Your command
2008-04-27 06:10:00 When did you start to talk to me again? When did I start to listen? When did I hear your annoying comments on everything and everyone and when did I start to obey? When did you start to scream and yell to the point were at night your voice would wake me up in fear and panic that you might, once again, invade my dreams and nightmares? When did you implant this doubt about everyone and everything again? Why do I keep listening? I know the reality is different from what you try and force feed into my brain, my ears, my feelings. Yet, you keep coming back and tripping me up saying that what is going on isn't real. That reality is quite different and I am living some kind of Matrix type world. I honor your commands like a dog. I coward when I hear you. I run away when you give me the signal. I stay when you order me. I give you what you want when and where ever you want it. You command for a sacrifi... More About: Command
Should I stay?
2008-04-26 00:35:00 I have known my kids father for ten years. We've been in a relationship for about eight years. Together we have three children. Our kids are happy, well taken care of and very loved! However, their dad and I have never been so distant from each other. Both of us have made mistakes but he refuses to forgive me for doing something that he had also done in the past. Since then he has treated me so badly. He's not bitter, he's disgusted even though what I did happened almost 3 years ago. He's hypocritical and is determined to make me suffer for the rest of my life. He has told me so. There is no trust. He is absolutely controlling to the point where at times I cannot leave the house, check the mail or even answer the phone. These drastic things have only been going on for the past year but it seems like year after year it gets worse and worse. We live in a very nice home, the kids are in excellent schools and I don't want any of that to ... More About: Stay
Avatar
2008-04-25 15:48:00 I finally managed to put up an avatar that didn't look like a black smudge! Yay! I might actually be figuring out this tech stuff! (Yeah, right) I've been trying for a long time to get it and I finally did. I'm still having some frustration in my personal and work life, but I think I'm finally starting to figure things out in that area, as well. Even a little progress is still progress. More About: Avatar
today is not so bad
2008-04-25 15:08:00 Today is going good everything seems right but that can be scary actualy because every time I have a good day the next is horrible. I hope im not right More About: Today
Falling, Falling, Falling…
2008-04-24 20:23:00 This has to be the worst day for me when it came to coping with my depression. It's not that I wanted to cut but I felt worthless and that I'm falling farther and farther into this pit. My chest has been literally aching nonstop for hours. I try to smile, but I can't fake. It's just not like me to do something like that. So my mom's getting worried and wants to schedule a pediatrics appointment for a blood test. I really don't want to. I don't have anything against my doctor but…ICK. I just don't like it. You think I would have gotten over it considering my dad works for the same medical practice. The only person who understands the problems with my school work is Lizzie and even she can't help me because she's a year younger. My problem is turning in the work because it's crappy and any time I get anything less than an A my parents want to bite my head off. They say that I know I can do better blah blah blah. Thi...
track score updates
2008-04-24 19:56:00 well, county meet is coming up on thursday, and i'm totally ready, but here are yesterday's scores: Discus= 74' 7" (a GREAT improvement from last meet! ^.^) Shot Put = 26'0" (okay, but i think i can go farther, i was a little off that day) so thats it! can't wait til counties! i'll update ya'll on how it goes FyreSakura More About: Updates , Track , Score
Precursor
2008-04-24 00:45:00 My finals are approaching and guess who decided to act dramatic this past weekend, mom. Yes I sound like the victim and I am bitching, but you would too if you had my mom. Then again it is universal. All mom's are the same and drive you crazy blah, blah et cetera. No my mom, in the time when my vulnerability to commit suicide was at its peak, she said "kill yourself". I know she likes to see me get weak by the moment, it's not in my head. At the same time in my culture (Latin) I am not allowed to talk back to my elders, especially to my parents, let alone she is physically fragile. She cannot make a habit of having a stroke/ heart attack. Needless to say I am stressed as it is with my education. Right now that is all I really got left.
today is horrible
2008-04-23 11:04:00 I have been feeling horrible lattly. I have been thinking about killing myself again and i even started cutting myself. I just feel so depressed things never seem to go the right way and i am tired of it. I cant kill myself cuz my family needs me but it just looks like a great way to be at peace . More About: Today
ugh!! the urges!
More articles from this author:2008-04-23 00:34:00 well, i haven't been on in a while, sorry 'bout that… anyway, i've been having a few issues lately. I'm getting into another depressed state (this started about 2-3 days ago and is still going) and i'm having a lot of urges to hit and cut. so far i've kept them at bay by scratching myself and the ice thing, but it only helps temporarily… I got really close to hitting just now, but i talked myself out of it, and i'm trying to find a way out of this state. nothing is working though… i'm still cut free since my mom found out, but i think that's just cuz i don't want her to get mad at me or something…idk. Well, i'm still trying to stop the urges, but i think my state is getting worse and the self-injury is clawing its way back into my daily routine. any tips? i'm kinda thinking about maybe looking for a counsler or something, because i think my condition is more serious than i thought, any tips on ho... 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 |
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