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fight from parents gone wrong!!
2008-04-22 23:47:00
on 3-07-08 on a night saturday. my mom and dad got into a fight. we had just got back from a birthday party and the house smelled like gas. my dad just left after that. my mom told us to get in the car and she drove,but as we were leaving we saw my dad coming home from his friends. and my mom drove fast. so we were driving and not stopping at all. finally we stoped at k-mart and sat in the car. then my dad called my brother on his cellphone and said were are we and my brother said somewhere. my dad said if we don't get home in 10 mintues he will call the police and get my mom arrested for taking us. we were all crying because my dad only wanted me and my brothers back and he didn't care what happened to my mom. this was my worst day of my life. so then my mom took us home and the next day my parents and brother who is 12 and my other brother who is 5 forgot all about it except me. and i still rember from that day.
More About: Fight , Parents , Wrong

mom cry!
2008-04-22 23:35:00
yesteday i made my mom cry. just because i wanted to go to savannah.my brother said i make my mom cry everytime. she said she doesn't want to see my face anymore. she slapped me hard across my shoulder. it hurted alot and it still does. then i cryed. today on 4-22-08. she's behaving like nothing happened yesterday.

Tribute to Zoe
2008-04-22 14:00:00
Surprisingly, today is a good day.  It's still hard to wrap my mind around the fact that Zoe (my cat) is really gone.  I keep expecting her to jump up on the desk at any moment. I went outside with my coffee a while ago and was actually looking for her to try to run out the door.  (That was part of the morning routine)  It's weird to see the dog able to walk through the kitchen doorway without having to wait for someone to move Zoe so he could. I've been thinking about all the little things she did.  Some were mildly frustrating, but even those bring a smile to my face today.   
More About: Tribute

Failing Support Beams
2008-04-21 20:11:00
Today wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't so tired. I've slept thirteen hours out of the past twenty four which is bugging me. I suppose I have to realize that it's just trying to catch up with sleep.  Mom's pain is really bad lately. She hit her knee a couple times on Saturday night which is leaving her sore. I want so badly to help her. Just to give her a new knee. Invent something. A brace or a revolutionary knee replacement for her so she wouldn't be in pain, she wouldn't have to worry about amputation, and she wouldn't have to be so self conciencouss about the appearance of her right leg.   I hate spring. I always have and always will. I probably would like it if it weren't for the damn rush to get everything done for school. Usually, even though I hate the hot weather, I look forward to the summer days. Outdoor swim team and no school work. But this summer I am dreading. I don't want it to come. Because Zach will be l...
More About: Support

Finding my center
2008-04-21 18:20:00
Ok, well, I made it through the "not wanting to live thing", but now, I am just blah… I have recently been noticing something, that when I am with my husband, I feel more and more depressed. And I think I know why. He drains me of all my energy. He is smothering me to the point that I am just a shell of what I used to be. My identity is like, gone. He does everything for me, but I don't want that. But, when it comes down to something that is acutally "important", he screws up. In fact, I either pretend I am sleeping, or reading in the bedroom so I can have some "me" time. I used to be very spiritual, you know, meditating, chanting, putting up a circle, but since I have been married and living with him. I havn't done any of it. In fact, our bedroom is always a mess with clothes because he doesn't want to go to the laundry mat. I need to get away from him. Find myself again. Because, I am withering, fast!! I think it is time for a d...
More About: Center

I Killed My Best Friend
2008-04-21 15:54:00
I had to have my cat put to sleep today.  The leukemia-related complications were causing her too much pain and misery.  I'm crying as I type this and the screen is kind of blurry, so bear with me if I misspell. I think this was the hardest thing I ever had to do.  To have to stand there with the vet and make that horrible choice.  Even though he explained all the options (and likely-hood of any kind of quality of life for her) in detail, I'm still wondering if I did the right thing.  No, it was the kindest thing, but a part of me still feels like I gave up on her.  When she was there for me during the worst time of my entire life.   The vet actually suggested that I should get another kitten so I wouldn't be lonely.  (I was crying in the office)  I don't want another cat, you don't just replace somebody you love.  The idea.  It's not loneliness that makes me sad, it's feeling like I fail...
More About: Friend , Killed

Mother is always a bitch!
2008-04-21 02:16:00
I feel so stressed. My mom isn't what I need right now. When she gets angry, it will increase her chances of getting a heart attack, which I do not want her to get. Yet sometimes, she really tests me, sometimes I wish she can hear what I really have to say about her mothering skills. I don't appreciate her talling me that I am stupid. I really don't like it at all. When she told me today that it was all my fault, well I stepped out of her way and took a shower. Her telling me that was unecessary and it makes me feel that I should move out of the apartment. I want to. I can do it. But I am in a lot of mixed up emotions as it is that I don't know I can keep my own place. I don't want anything fancy I just want something I can call my own place. First, I need a job and keep it.
More About: Mother , Bitch

Huh?
2008-04-19 07:42:00
I'm trying to get my life in order now.  There've been so many detours that I've gotten lost.  I'm sure there was a reason for all of it.  It's just frustrating right now.  It would probably be a lot easier if I wasn't so idealistic.  I guess I was supposed to outgrow that by now.  I doubt that it will happen.  It's a part of who I am.  It's the part that has caused so much frustration in my life.  Knowing the world just isn't what it should be.  Not knowing what to do about it.  Not knowing what can be done about it. There's times I would just like to retreat from the world and not have any involvement whatsoever, but that's not possible.  So here I am, trying to find a way to fit this square peg I call "me" into the round hole that "normal" people call "life". I believe there's a place for everyone and everyone has a purpose, findin...

Bladder control medication
2008-04-19 07:03:00
Hi All, I just wanted to inform you that an author Sven Ullmann has posted an interesting article on “Bladder control medication” at www.healthocrates.com For reading the article visit at www.healthocrates.com/Bladder-control-med ications RegardsRobert
More About: Control , Medication

Bladder control medication
2008-04-19 07:03:00
Hi All, I just wanted to inform you that an author Sven Ullmann has posted an interesting article on “Bladder control medication” at www.healthocrates.com For reading the article visit at www.healthocrates.com/Bladder-control-med ications RegardsRobert
More About: Control , Medication

“Butterflies are going to take over”
2008-04-19 02:34:00
(This blog is me reminiscing about Heidi, trying to figure out some things..)   Yesterday, I went to the park, like I have been doing for the past few days now. It was very nice out. A saw some people planning a wedding there. Lots of people taking pictures. This entry will be about Heidi and I- and basically and very, very summarized version of life with each other. Heidi has cancer.. She keeps calling, telling me she’ll be in the hospital and that she’s sick.. Okay, I understand that the first fifty times she called sobbing hysterically about it.. I don’t care. She knows that. I am not the person Heidi needs to be calling for comfort. All I will do is callously tell her I don’t care and softly tell her not to call back.. We have a meeting with SRS on Tuesday. Her adoptive parents are also coming as well, to talk about treatment. You know, it’s not like I haven’t wondered what happened to Heidi to make her so screwed up.. I literally think...
More About: Butterflies

Help!
2008-04-18 00:05:00
My doctor took me off the Emsam patch which is an MAOI inhibitor as well as the Seroquel. This has really sent me into a tail spin. The suicidal thoughts have increased immensely and so has the cutting. I am not sure how long I can deal with this anymore. I have been fighting this disease for the last 32 years and I am sick of it. I just get to where I am feeling somewhat better and then bamm I am back down on the bottom again. It seems like I am always working to bring myself to some sense of normalcy. Can anyone relate? Has anyone got any suggestions? I just need support to help me get through this mess.

My Birthaday (part II)
2008-04-17 17:29:00
Okay.  I survived my birthday.  Thank you to everyone who wished me well.  I am now officially old enough to run for president.  (That's a scary thought, I can't imagine why anyone would want to; talk about a four-year headache) My nephew asked me what I wanted yesterday.  I told him:  "A perfect world and a job that pays a livable wage"  He said:  "Okay, what do you want that's realistic?"  *pouting* I'm watching Taken right now.  It's a pretty good show, I'm getting into it.  Right now, it's at the episode where Dakota Fanning is about to kick the butts of a bunch of soldiers.  I'm assuming that's what's going to happen, anyway.  I'll figure out what to do, eventually.  I wonder if the reason I'm having such a hard time with it is that I'm stressing about it.  Maybe if I chill out a little it'll come to me.  I tr...
More About: Part

Track and Field scores
2008-04-16 23:38:00
Well, I've decided to keep a track of my Track scores because they're actually quite good. Today I got 70' 9" in Discus and 25' 9" in shotput (a great increase from last time!!) YAY ME!! that's it for now, tty all later!    FyreSakura 
More About: Track and Field , Field , Scores

My Birthday
2008-04-15 22:50:00
Tomorrow is my birthday, and I have nothing to show for thirty-five years on this planet.  Everything I once believed in has been shattered.  I don't know what I believe, I don't know what I care about.  I don't even know who I am anymore.  I'm thirty-five years old, and I'm lost and empty.  I'm not unhappy or depressed, I'm just dissatisfied.  I don't want to spend the rest of my life catering to the vanity of strangers.  I don't know what I want to do.  I feel trapped.  If I only had some kind of direction, I'd be alright.  I'd be able to make a life for myself if I knew what to do, but I don't.  I know what I'm capable of, I know what I can do.  I just don't know what I want to do.  The only thing I'm sure of right now is that I want my life to have meaning.  I've spent my life doing what I "should" do, and gotten nothing...
More About: Birthday

Stresssssssssssss!
2008-04-15 22:38:00
Okay, so I went back to school a couple of months ago and now am so stressed out that I cannot seem to see straight.  I'm scared I'm gonna fail my classes– I'm already so far behind that I'm ahead.  To top it off, I've got a kidney stone. I can handle emotional issues fine– have been doing it all my life.  But this physical crap is the pits!  I just keep pushing onward…. but I feel like I'm gonna shatter.   I'm just so very very tired. 

And there is comfort in the sound
2008-04-13 00:17:00
I am going to go through my day yesterday… Just because I feel like it- Math- Five pages for homework out of a book History- lecture/film Gym- baseball Cooking- notes Sewing- quilt Science- lab English- silent reading ..Isn’t my day exciting.. I actually don’t think I’ve even spoken today. Oh, I remember this morning I was talking to myself.. But that’s it. Hah. I am going over to Kate’s.. More than likely the last time I will see her for many years. Kind of sad when you think about it, but I’m not staying here. On Sunday, I am spending the day with Heidi.. Against my requests not to, of course.. Maybe we’ll go to the park and walk with her mother. I’d like to have a good time, but I know I won’t.. It’s not like I don’t want a good relationship with my mother.. It’s just that- that mother happens to be Heidi.. And she scares little children. >_> And, I honestly can’t really explain the thing...
More About: Sound , Comfort

The Symptoms Of Asthma
2008-04-11 08:52:00
Hi All, I just wanted to inform you that an author Sven Ullmann has posted an interesting article on “The Symptoms Of Asthma ” at www.healthocrates.com You can read the article at www.healthocrates.com/The-Symptoms-Of-Ast hma RegardsRobert

Help me…
2008-04-10 16:46:00
I don't know what the hell happening to me…First time since all this depression make my live a pile of puke I felt happy, for long, stable, wrok, sports, fun. And now this…Some girl that I don't even know became friends with my bf…he was kind a colder to me since then or around that time, he gave rational reasons for this. About her he say that they are just friends. He had female friends before, but I never felt jelaus at least not that much. Everytime i remember that she exist I feel bad, feel pain. I trust him that nothing going on but some annoying little voice make me doubt. I just don't wan't to think about her…she now active in his forum that was down for a while and I refused to write there anymore even that I am admin because he made her a moderator in a few section. He say that she promised to help him with the forum invite people…I don't write there anymore, he will not remove her because he says that he hate tha...

Strees?
2008-04-10 16:32:00
My headaches are not going away. I stopped drinking coffee since last week and I've been sleeping ok (5hrs- it's still a work in progress). But I guess that isn't enough; nothing is. I feel so hopeless. 

who me
2008-04-10 13:18:00
Hello…im new here..just want to start by saying that Im not feeling all that good today,Ive had better days..but maybe thats why im here…maybe I have bad days to remind me what good days are,maybe im just screwed up in the head…I guess the jury is still out on that one,  but regardless here I am,writing this when I could be doing something else like..flying a kite…or lying on the beach…..but stuff like that is for normal people…right??  I am normal arnt I?  Or maybe not..I cant decide today. Sometimes I like to play a normal person,sometimes I like to pretend that my life is good and full.Sometimes I dont care. When my head gets so full of stuff..its feels like I need to pour it out somewhere..but its trapped somehow..I cant get it out…I am so alone…the sky sure is beautiful today…I hope I can enjoy it.  Just another day in paradise.

Depression
2008-04-10 00:20:00
For as long as i can remember i have been unhappy. it seems like 1 thing after another comes into my life. my parents divore,death of friends,end of relationships,friends stabbing me in the back. when does it end and im happy again??
More About: Depression

And lift our glass to the ceiling
2008-04-09 22:45:00
I do feel more rested today, but am still very tired. I have been very irritated today as well as very sad. I don’t like it when I’m so irritated, but it should only last a day or so. It’s almost like I am not feeling anything, but still have remnants of sadness.. Weird. Today went the same as it did yesterday and the day before. It was the last day for math assessments.. I don’t really care- they’re easy.. Even for me. I wished I dreamt last night. Dreams take me to another world- I like that. I like going to another world.. And it all ends too soon! Ah, I like listening to music when I’m awake and I like dreaming when I’m asleep.. My dreams are just so.. Intense and frantic- I love it. Four unexpected tests today.. >_> Least that means very little homework- except in science, we did a lab after the test and I’ve still got some questions to answer. Hmm.. I was looking at this website that told you al these sleeping positions- h...
More About: Glass , Lift

Check-up
2008-04-08 23:44:00
Well, it's been a while since I came on, so I decided to update everyone on how I'm doin' because i'm bored tonight. Well, Excel is going great. I'm cut and beat free for about a month now (since the last incidents). I'm having issues with pulling the skin off around my nails until they bleed, but I'm slowly working on stopping that. I am also having some issues with picking at scars and scabs until they bleed and just wanting the sight of blood in general. I got my report card today and I made a new personal record of 7 100's (German, Life Ed, Excel, Music Class, Social Studies, Science, Strings). I'm pretty happy about it, but I still think I could do better in Algebra and English (98 and 94) so i'm upset about that. I think I'm finally starting to like someone at school and beginning to trust him. He doesn't know though, but I'm still afraid of letting myself get any farther for fear of getting hurt again. I kinda t...
More About: Check

My Story
2008-04-08 21:49:00
For many years now i have been in a loveless marriage. I am 36 and i deserve to be happy no matter what it takes. So finally after 18 years i decided to move out oct. last year. I was out on  my own for about 3 days and took him back due to the fact i was scared to make it on my own with my kids. Scared to death i wouldn't be able to feed them. Now not 3 weeks ago i kicked him out again i snapped….. I have to be happy. I feel sometimes i have an addiction to sex cause that's why i left. And now i'm so stressed out about everything i don't know what to do… i cry all the time and i can't control it anymore….
More About: Story , My Story

I do not want this
2008-04-07 20:37:00
I am a little lost. I seem to have guy trouble, and I am thinking about it twice on how I should have never got one. I think I made a mistake. I was doing fine without a boyfriend and now I feel that maybe I should have stayed single. I went without a relationship for a year and a half, and I was doing fine. But I guess this is what happens when you regret something, you wish you didn't have feelings. Life would be so much easier if I was a cold hearted person. Maybe this is a cry for help. 

we die young
2008-04-07 15:21:00
I did it. Either I smoke or cut. Apparently cutting my hair isn't enough. I cut my hair so that I do not cut myself. I can't help it sometimes. I need to know that I am alive, unfortunately it is always confirmed by some self destructive behavior.  
More About: Young

No sleep…again
2008-04-07 09:22:00
Darn it! I'm so tired of this same thing happening over and over again every single night.  Every time I try to go to sleep just when I'm starting to fall into deep sleep, my body twitches and I wake up.  It's really annoying.  I get so angry that I'm not even sleepy now.  I have tried everything from no caffeine, warm shower before bed, and even changing my eating habits.  Nothing works.  I have almost a month of school left till it's summer and I need as much sleep as possible to keep me at top condition when it's time for finals I won't be in a panicky mess.  Then if it's not the twitching its the nightmares that I can't remember most of them and the sweating and crying when I wake up.  I'm not hungry in the morning (feeling too sick to my stomach).  I have spent my sleepless nights doing hw and catching up on reading for classes.  I don't want my body to give out, because if ...
More About: Sleep

Symptoms of Influenza Flu
2008-04-07 05:08:00
Hi All,  I just wanted to inform you that an author Olivia Andrews has posted an interesting article on “Symptoms of Influenza Flu” at www.healthocrates.com  You can read the article at www.healthocrates.com/Symptoms-of-Influen za-Flu   Regards Robert

Mind Wipe?
2008-04-06 04:52:00
Of the things I hate most is that I started to forget about the people around me recently.  I look at them and I can't remember them.  I try to see their face and attach a name or something that reminded me of them and I come up with nothing.  It's like a total mind wipe.  It doesn't last long, but I'm scared when it comes out of nowhere and I don't know what to do. I don't want to scare anyone, but if I don't remember them I don't know why people are talking to me, then I realize they are friends and I calm down.  I know my mind is pretty messed up, but what if this is permanent?  I don't want to forget the people I have in my life right now.  I don't know what this is and I'm scared that I'll forget something really important or not remember how to do something. What more am I going to go through? And is it really worth it?
More About: Mind , Wipe