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:( life sucks
2008-05-19 10:34:00
turns out my gf has some thing called a friend with bennifits. i had no idea what that ment until i talked to my friends. i guess she is just some crazy whore. I am done with her now i cant believe that she is like that though. we have been going out 4 a while now and now i found out she had another side to her. i always get hurt in the end. I almost lost it i felt so angry and i could do nothing bout it. when i was not angry though i just felt a horrible depression.
More About: Life , Sucks

School?
2008-05-17 11:32:00
I've found an online school that covers courses that interest me.  I really want to study this, but I've heard a lot of bad things about correspondence courses (not the least of which is that nobody recognizes degrees earned through them), so I'm really scared to follow through.  I'm afraid that this will turn out to be another pipe dream and that I'll hit yet another brick wall.  But at the same time, the courses covered are the direction in which I really want to go.  And normal colleges don't offer these courses.  I couldn't afford to go if they did. I'm kind of thinking that I should do this before it gets accepted by the mainstream because then it would become inaccessible to me.  If I can get in there before that happens, I'd be okay and able to build a future for myself. I'm so nervous though!
More About: School

What most cannot see.
2008-05-17 05:01:00
I kinda like this website. It's a place where you can safely complain about all your troubles without having some idiot saying "wah wah wah quit crying" or "lol emo". You get so tired of going around pretending to be happy and that everything is fine because you don't want people to go around giving you their horribly bad advice which you know they have no idea what they're talking about. Only way you can understand it is to be experiencing it really.

i did not make it to nyc
2008-05-16 22:52:00
i got there and did some work, and a few days later while on the job i blacked out so they sent me home.   why do i have to have this damn problem.      but hey some good news for u guys, doctors and other people are getting together to help me, so i can live on my own with out fer of death and that type of stuff.. my life is looking good now.
More About: Make

eUseless
2008-05-16 06:30:00
so I heard about this crap website on TV, the get to meet your perfect match one, and they were having a “contact your matches for free” weekend soon or something, so i went and filled in the basic “free” profile. I Tried to be as broad as i could be but still stick to my personal preferences, and here’s my final result! : Unfortunately, we are not able to make our profiles work for you. You can still receive your free Personality Profile by clicking here.   Apparently i am: Adaptable, passionate, romantic, receptive, aware, flexible, engaged, distinctive, indecisive, middle-of-the-road, instinctive, impulsive, intuitive, rule-breaker, sometimes inefficient, procrastinator, reflective, thoughtful, modest, introverted, private, meditative, careful, fair, contemplative and romantic (again)…   A NO ONE ELSE ON EARTH IS.      .. lame. 

Family?
2008-05-15 20:16:00
If you have depression, have you ever felt your family is the least understanding people? I didn't include my family in my condition until I was hospitalized after a few attempt of suicides. At beginning they were really supportive, but now if I called up my mother to talk when I am not in a very good mood, she would tell me that I am so selfish that people have to talk to me when I am not feeling good.  And now if I leave some messages on my MSN, which might indicate I am not in a good mood, my mother will call me up and say "What's wrong with you?" I am so tired of always being the one thinking that they mean well just didn't pick the proper words instead of being angry. Although I cry all the time after speaking to my mother.  We all know that you will never loose your family. But it doesn't give them the right not to be sensitive. I am really fad up.  
More About: Family

career choice
2008-05-14 23:17:00
so, this year my excel teacher is forcing us to look into a career we want to go into, and i was looking around and i found i'm getting really interested in psychology. i think i'm attracted to it because of my issues and others. i kinda wanna know why i act the way i do and why others do too. do you think going into this field may help me to get through my self injury, or do you think it is a bad idea?   thanks, FyreSakura 
More About: Career , Choice

i feel so horrible
2008-05-14 14:48:00
I dont know why i feel so depressed but i just want to kill myself right now. i feel so sad i dont know why i but it would cure every thing. i just want to die. i tell other people not to that things get better i should take that advice maybe things will get better. I care about this girl so much i am so happy when i am with her but when iam not with her its like every thing that can go wrong will and i miss her so much. i wish i knew why i felt like that
More About: Feel

Stuff -n- Things.
2008-05-13 12:44:00
I went to the first meditation class last night.  There's another tonight and again tomorrow night.  Last night, I didn't really learn anything that I didn't already know, and there were a couple of ideas that didn't ring true for me.  But hopefully tonight will be better.  I can always take what I agree with and discard the rest.  The biggest thing for me right now is to build my own life so that I don't need anybody.  I'd still like to have someone in my life someday, but not at the cost of my dignity.  I may end up alone forever, and maybe that's how it was meant to be.  I hope not, but I have to accept that as a possibility.  I really don't want to, but I don't want to get hurt again either.  The last shot I took in the heart nearly killed me.  Literally.  I can't go through that again.  I won't survive another blow like that.
More About: Stuff , Things

Tired
2008-05-13 00:05:00
Me and my family went to the DC area so my mom could have an appointment about her knee surgery and it turns out that it won't be as complicated as everyone thought it would be. She is even considering having it done this summer. I feel happy for her that she has a higher chance at getting out of this pain, but I'm also so scared. Is that selfish? As if that hasn't been enough on my mind in the last 24 hours, I've been having more …bad thoughts. I just want to bed dead. I don't know why. I'm tired of breathing, I'm tired of making dumb mistakes, I'm tired of the relentless let downs life pounds upon me, I'm tired of being so stressed, I'm just tired of living the life I'm living. I'm constantly hurting whether it's my chest or my headaches and I'm just tired of it. My family's always complaining that I'm so gloomy a lot of the time and the excuse is always, "I'm just tired" when I&#...
More About: Tired

The end of my “love” life
2008-05-12 12:45:00
Everything seems like it was going fine, till i realize i was with him because he needed my help. Hes got issues too and i understand but i got enough problems to deal with his, i mean, i dont want to sound like a total bitch, but iam going through alot right now, i hardly have any time for him anymore. I didnt wanted to hurt his feelings, but when i saw him cry…i didnt know what to do, i panic and ran away. Iam too nervous with this kinds of things. In the end i realize i just need to be alone for a few days to think of what happend in my life. I dont want to hurt anybody anymore.
More About: Life , Love

I must die
2008-05-12 10:53:00
I will kill my self now so that i do not see anyone suffer anymore i cant belive all these problems. i hate seeing people go through all this so i leve my final message a farewell to all of you and i hope you all get better. I plan on killing my self when i get out of work i shall pull this trigger on life so that i no longer see any more chaos in our world.  god bless  

Mom Problems
2008-05-12 02:06:00
My mother drives me totally crazy. First of all, she does not recognize mental illness as a disease. She always says I would be better if i got off the pills. She just doesn't understand that I need these medications to live. If I didn't have them I know I would be dead right now. I just got out of the hospital for the ninth time being treated for severe depression with suicidal ideation. Our mental health center here is closing so we have to find another psychiatrist. I have chosen to go to the psychiatrist that treats me when I am hospitalized but he is two hours away from home. Because I have narcolepsy, I have to have a driver. The date of my appointment is a day that my husband has to work 3-11 so I will need someone else to drive me. I asked my mom if she thought my sister could help me out and she said she didn't know. But, she also said, "I hope they can help you this time!" It wasn't so bad she said it, it was the way she said it. All the times...
More About: Problems

Mechanical Heart Value
2008-05-09 17:43:00
  Hi New person on the block.  Last December I had open heart surgery.  They told me I was going to died within the year if I didn't have surgery.  I felt good I had no symptoms other than some shortness of breathe and a slight pain in my left upper chest area. I felt happy and was exercising one hour daily. Now I feel unhappy I always have a slight headache I have no  motivation to exercise.  I have to take warfrin to thin my blood.  The doctor explained that some times when they stop the heart people my have depression.  Well I've never had depression in my life.  Now I feel sad all the time. Thanks for listening. pinkpearl     
More About: Heart , Mechanical

I did it again.
2008-05-06 12:34:00
It's worse than I've ever done before. I have to wrap from my wrist to my elbow to cover it. What's even worse is that this is the second day in a row that I've done it at work.   Why is it so soothing to watch my own blood fall? 

dog attack
2008-05-06 11:09:00
yesterday i was talking to my nabor and his boxer jumped the fence and bit me. i had to go to the hospital later that day and get stitches. i get them out next week.
More About: Attack

Turn the music down
2008-05-06 06:23:00
Eh.. It’s three in the morning. XD Thought I’d make an entry since I haven’t yet this week. I had a dream last night- or at least the only dream I can remember. It was about trains.. Four of them. I was trying to figure out when they would stop and start and was walking along beside them. To dream that you are walking alongside the railroad tracks, signifies much happiness from your skillful completion of your tasks. Alternatively, the dreamer may have a tendency to worry needlessly over a situation that will prove to work out in the end.. That makes me laugh. I Haven’t been remembering any of my dreams lately though.. I guess it’s good I remembered at least one, but still.. Trains? Oh! I remembered another one I had last night. I was with Heidi in an apartment- the one where I lived when I was about nine. Heidi and I were moving. She wanted to split everything into two rooms. I whined, telling her no- only one room. Then she went over to a box and pi...
More About: Music , The Music , Turn

Arthritis Pain
2008-05-05 08:03:00
Arthritis is a complex disorder that comprises more than 100 distinct conditions and can affect people at any stage of life. Two of the most common forms are osteoarthritis and rheumatoid arthritis………… ….. This interesting article is posted by "Steven Godlewski" at http://www.healthocrates.com/Arthritis-Pa in-and-Vitamin-Supplements. For more information visit :- http://www.healthocrates.com
More About: Pain , Arthritis

and so it begins…
2008-05-04 15:21:00
Well, i'm gonna be honest with everyone..i cut again on Wednesday, causing my 5 month cut free streak to end. I'm really sad about it, but i was so upset, i was crying uncontrollably, everything was spinning, i was feeling sick, i didn't know what to do, i couldn't sleep, and the blade was staring me down. i did it about 15 times, but they were light (because i had to work with my mom on Saturday and i had to make sure they wouldn't be noticeable), so they healed pretty quick.  Basically, my school work is pressing down on me and i can't handle it anymore. just going day by day is hard enough. I have literally 4 essays due by monday and a fifth by tuesday, 2 project presentations this week, and 5 independent study projects for excel due by the 15th. I'm having trouble just trying to keep my cool. I'm okay now though, the urges are no longer coming as bad and there are very few times when i wanna hit. i'm going airsofting on the 17th ...

The State of Our World
2008-05-04 13:50:00
I found a meditation course that starts next week.  And I actually have those days off from work, so I'm going to attend.  It's a good starting point. I've completely bombed on my attempt to write a book.  Maybe I'll try again, someday.  I have a good start on finding a (new) direction.  It's hard, though.  Everything I once believed in has blown up in my face and I don't even know what I care about anymore.  All I really know for sure is that I exist, and that there's a reason for it.  Other than that, I haven't a clue.  I'm right now just accepting what is.  Trying not to judge it as good or bad.  (That's a challenge) I'd still like to find love.  Someone to share the rest of my life with, but I don't know if that will ever happen.  I'm trying to be okay with the fact that it might not.  I know that the older I get, the less likely it is to happen...
More About: World , State , The State

Hey
2008-05-03 01:44:00
 Okie dokie here's my first blog post. :3 Hello everyone!  I just finished my first college semester at Jacksonvilel State University. I'm studying to be either a zookeeper or a wildlife rehabilitator.  Also, I've applied for a job at the vet's office. Cross your fingers for me!  I've been occupying myself with The Sims 2 Pets and Fire Emblem, as well as hanging out with my friend and such. Also I've deleted Low Self-Esteem from my list cause it's pretty much gone.  Men still creep me out, but I know that's a small matter since I managed to hang out with a guy and his friends with no friends of mine around. XD  See what can be accomplished when you try to make your life better instead of feeling sorry for yourself? I got through this and so can you. :3

Just lost in a Simple Game of Cat and Mouse?
2008-05-02 21:35:00
While my standardized testing is over, and I have decided to stick with homeschooling through high school, I am feeling lost. Astray from what I could be. I know what comes with staying home these next four years. It's not long, and yes I'm nervous. I'm scared. I don't want to screw up.   Those feelings of being lost and depressed are really getting to me. My siblings are screaming and yelling more and my parents are bickering more. When that happens my mom leans on me for support. I don't mind giving it, but when I'm this stressed I come off as a whiny brat when I can't explain myself maturely enough. My piano teacher is noticing that my quality of music on the keys is suffering. She knows that I've been working hard in school but she also knows the standardized tests are over, so I'm running out of excuses before I'm going to just have to face the truth.  The whole point through this all is that I've had my firs...
More About: Lost , Game , Simple , Mouse

ZZzzzz
2008-05-02 14:46:00
I feel so bored though, in spite of everything that i have.  Just feel bored, like there is nothing new in life. (doesn't mean I'm gonna kill myself or whathaveyou, it's just bored…….)  I feel kind of homesick too…….. No entertainment………&hel lip;. Probably this because I dont find my purpose in life. So sleepy…………&he llip;.

yesterday..:(
2008-05-01 15:01:00
After i got home i cant belive what i did.. i cut my self again i should not do this but i felt like death would be a peaceful . I have scars on my wrist now and i dont know why i stopped…it must have been my sis again if i ever killed my self then she would too and i cant let her do that. my family needs me so much my mom, bro and sis but i want them to forget about me so if i ever did go it would not hurt them. there has to be away people say things get better but they only get worse i look forward to something that will never happen. i have to find a way to make it not hurt them in the end
More About: Yesterday

suicide kinda souds like the right thing for me
2008-04-30 10:28:00
I dont know why but i feel so depressed right now i just want to die. i feel like it would solve everything and it would be great to not see any one suffer any more.
More About: Suicide , Kinda , Thing

ANIME FAN
2008-04-29 14:19:00
hey guys, i had a big change in my life recently, iam onefi of the presidents on a anime club!! me and my only friend in real life made it up, hes got lots of friends, i dont got any friends that are as close as him, we are only friends and people think we are actually going out, i hate it!, plus i got a boyfriend i dont even like anymore, i dont know why, i guess….i dont know thats happening to my "love life" anymore. Either way i dont want to think about that, i am really happy because we have ourself and anime club, YAY!!!!  
More About: Anime

ANIME FAN
2008-04-29 14:19:00
hey guys, i had a big change in my life recently, iam onefi of the presidents on a anime club!! me and my only friend in real life made it up, hes got lots of friends, i dont got any friends that are as close as him, we are only friends and people think we are actually going out, i hate it!, plus i got a boyfriend i dont even like anymore, i dont know why, i guess….i dont know thats happening to my "love life" anymore. Either way i dont want to think about that, i am really happy because we have ourself and anime club, YAY!!!!  
More About: Anime

almost gone
2008-04-29 00:28:00
i just realize that i will be going to the 9th grade and i will meet new people. the friends that i have right now are going to leave me just like the rest. iam no good at making friends. so how will i survive highschool. i will be friend less and depressed and then maybe kill myself. i hate feeling alone.

Insomnia and other stuff
2008-04-28 09:42:00
So it's about 4AM and I'm not asleep. My meds. don't cut it for me anymore.  I keep waking up thanks to my cold.  I haven't been sleeping well at all most of the semester.  I have my reasons other than I can't seem to fall asleep.  Who doesn't right?  I'm not so hungry either.  I can eat, but I'm just not into what I'm eating.  I'll pick at it, or shove it on one side of a plate, or just won't finish it all.  It's not like me.  I usually eat very well, too well lots of times.   I'm numb when it comes to feelings again.  It's gotten worse now.  I just don't react much.  It feels like a huge stone wall was built and I can't break it.  The numbness even goes as far as senses.  I can't feel other people if they give me hugs or touch me.  I can see the what they are doing, but I feel like my reactions are slowed or almos...
More About: Stuff , Insomnia

Panic Attacks
2008-04-27 21:16:00
Living with this for years. Still waiting for some relief from panic attacks. Anyone have any suggestions besides meds?
More About: Attacks , Panic , Panic attacks