Hopecube.com Community BlogHopecube.com Community BlogCommunity blog of Hopecube.com, a site dedicated to helping people with health issues find support and hope. 
Articles
From this minute now
2008-04-27 17:54:00 Heidi says she has ovarian cancer… Whooo… She said she can’t work for six months and will be in and out of the hospital. When she kept repeating herself, I just hung up.. I refuse to listen to her sob over the phone. Look where years of addictions have gotten her… I spent last Saturday with Erica. We looked for dresses.. She couldn’t fit into a size fourteen, so didn’t buy a dress.. Plus sizes start at fourteen, I think- and the stores we were at didn’t have plus sizes.. We laughed about it though. I had a very good time. I laughed a lot more than I thought I would. Yuki came in this weekend. I didn’t get to see him since it wasn’t my turn to visit Heidi. Things wouldn’t have gone well if I was there with Heidi though. She says she’s going into the hospital next week and that I need to take the cats and dog…. Yay? I had a dream when I was at Erica’s. My science teacher was in a fast food place. He was rummaging through his wallet, trying to find his mo... More About: Minute
Just Venting
2008-04-27 12:45:00 As many know, I work in the dining room of a retirement center. On weekends, some of the residents' adult offspring come to visit and join them at lunch. One of these visitors is a horrible woman who treats her parents like little kids. Talks down to them, speaks for them, makes decisions for them as if they were incapable of making their own. These are wonderful people who are perfectly capable of thinking for themselves, and it just makes me so mad to see them robbed of their dignity like that. Especially when the person doing it is someone for whom they did everything. I complained to the supervisor about her yesterday. I don't know if anything can be done, though. If she overheard me, she'll probably try to make trouble for me. I don't care. If she overheard me, at least she knows that someone saw what she does. Not that it probably matters to her. Anyway, just venting to get it out of my system as ...
Your command
2008-04-27 06:10:00 When did you start to talk to me again? When did I start to listen? When did I hear your annoying comments on everything and everyone and when did I start to obey? When did you start to scream and yell to the point were at night your voice would wake me up in fear and panic that you might, once again, invade my dreams and nightmares? When did you implant this doubt about everyone and everything again? Why do I keep listening? I know the reality is different from what you try and force feed into my brain, my ears, my feelings. Yet, you keep coming back and tripping me up saying that what is going on isn't real. That reality is quite different and I am living some kind of Matrix type world. I honor your commands like a dog. I coward when I hear you. I run away when you give me the signal. I stay when you order me. I give you what you want when and where ever you want it. You command for a sacrifi... More About: Command
Should I stay?
2008-04-26 00:35:00 I have known my kids father for ten years. We've been in a relationship for about eight years. Together we have three children. Our kids are happy, well taken care of and very loved! However, their dad and I have never been so distant from each other. Both of us have made mistakes but he refuses to forgive me for doing something that he had also done in the past. Since then he has treated me so badly. He's not bitter, he's disgusted even though what I did happened almost 3 years ago. He's hypocritical and is determined to make me suffer for the rest of my life. He has told me so. There is no trust. He is absolutely controlling to the point where at times I cannot leave the house, check the mail or even answer the phone. These drastic things have only been going on for the past year but it seems like year after year it gets worse and worse. We live in a very nice home, the kids are in excellent schools and I don't want any of that to ... More About: Stay
Avatar
2008-04-25 15:48:00 I finally managed to put up an avatar that didn't look like a black smudge! Yay! I might actually be figuring out this tech stuff! (Yeah, right) I've been trying for a long time to get it and I finally did. I'm still having some frustration in my personal and work life, but I think I'm finally starting to figure things out in that area, as well. Even a little progress is still progress. More About: Avatar
today is not so bad
2008-04-25 15:08:00 Today is going good everything seems right but that can be scary actualy because every time I have a good day the next is horrible. I hope im not right More About: Today
Falling, Falling, Falling…
2008-04-24 20:23:00 This has to be the worst day for me when it came to coping with my depression. It's not that I wanted to cut but I felt worthless and that I'm falling farther and farther into this pit. My chest has been literally aching nonstop for hours. I try to smile, but I can't fake. It's just not like me to do something like that. So my mom's getting worried and wants to schedule a pediatrics appointment for a blood test. I really don't want to. I don't have anything against my doctor but…ICK. I just don't like it. You think I would have gotten over it considering my dad works for the same medical practice. The only person who understands the problems with my school work is Lizzie and even she can't help me because she's a year younger. My problem is turning in the work because it's crappy and any time I get anything less than an A my parents want to bite my head off. They say that I know I can do better blah blah blah. Thi...
track score updates
2008-04-24 19:56:00 well, county meet is coming up on thursday, and i'm totally ready, but here are yesterday's scores: Discus= 74' 7" (a GREAT improvement from last meet! ^.^) Shot Put = 26'0" (okay, but i think i can go farther, i was a little off that day) so thats it! can't wait til counties! i'll update ya'll on how it goes FyreSakura More About: Updates , Track , Score
Precursor
2008-04-24 00:45:00 My finals are approaching and guess who decided to act dramatic this past weekend, mom. Yes I sound like the victim and I am bitching, but you would too if you had my mom. Then again it is universal. All mom's are the same and drive you crazy blah, blah et cetera. No my mom, in the time when my vulnerability to commit suicide was at its peak, she said "kill yourself". I know she likes to see me get weak by the moment, it's not in my head. At the same time in my culture (Latin) I am not allowed to talk back to my elders, especially to my parents, let alone she is physically fragile. She cannot make a habit of having a stroke/ heart attack. Needless to say I am stressed as it is with my education. Right now that is all I really got left.
today is horrible
2008-04-23 11:04:00 I have been feeling horrible lattly. I have been thinking about killing myself again and i even started cutting myself. I just feel so depressed things never seem to go the right way and i am tired of it. I cant kill myself cuz my family needs me but it just looks like a great way to be at peace . More About: Today
ugh!! the urges!
2008-04-23 00:34:00 well, i haven't been on in a while, sorry 'bout that… anyway, i've been having a few issues lately. I'm getting into another depressed state (this started about 2-3 days ago and is still going) and i'm having a lot of urges to hit and cut. so far i've kept them at bay by scratching myself and the ice thing, but it only helps temporarily… I got really close to hitting just now, but i talked myself out of it, and i'm trying to find a way out of this state. nothing is working though… i'm still cut free since my mom found out, but i think that's just cuz i don't want her to get mad at me or something…idk. Well, i'm still trying to stop the urges, but i think my state is getting worse and the self-injury is clawing its way back into my daily routine. any tips? i'm kinda thinking about maybe looking for a counsler or something, because i think my condition is more serious than i thought, any tips on ho...
fight from parents gone wrong!!
2008-04-22 23:47:00 on 3-07-08 on a night saturday. my mom and dad got into a fight. we had just got back from a birthday party and the house smelled like gas. my dad just left after that. my mom told us to get in the car and she drove,but as we were leaving we saw my dad coming home from his friends. and my mom drove fast. so we were driving and not stopping at all. finally we stoped at k-mart and sat in the car. then my dad called my brother on his cellphone and said were are we and my brother said somewhere. my dad said if we don't get home in 10 mintues he will call the police and get my mom arrested for taking us. we were all crying because my dad only wanted me and my brothers back and he didn't care what happened to my mom. this was my worst day of my life. so then my mom took us home and the next day my parents and brother who is 12 and my other brother who is 5 forgot all about it except me. and i still rember from that day. More About: Fight , Parents , Wrong
mom cry!
2008-04-22 23:35:00 yesteday i made my mom cry. just because i wanted to go to savannah.my brother said i make my mom cry everytime. she said she doesn't want to see my face anymore. she slapped me hard across my shoulder. it hurted alot and it still does. then i cryed. today on 4-22-08. she's behaving like nothing happened yesterday.
Tribute to Zoe
2008-04-22 14:00:00 Surprisingly, today is a good day. It's still hard to wrap my mind around the fact that Zoe (my cat) is really gone. I keep expecting her to jump up on the desk at any moment. I went outside with my coffee a while ago and was actually looking for her to try to run out the door. (That was part of the morning routine) It's weird to see the dog able to walk through the kitchen doorway without having to wait for someone to move Zoe so he could. I've been thinking about all the little things she did. Some were mildly frustrating, but even those bring a smile to my face today. More About: Tribute
Failing Support Beams
2008-04-21 20:11:00 Today wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't so tired. I've slept thirteen hours out of the past twenty four which is bugging me. I suppose I have to realize that it's just trying to catch up with sleep. Mom's pain is really bad lately. She hit her knee a couple times on Saturday night which is leaving her sore. I want so badly to help her. Just to give her a new knee. Invent something. A brace or a revolutionary knee replacement for her so she wouldn't be in pain, she wouldn't have to worry about amputation, and she wouldn't have to be so self conciencouss about the appearance of her right leg. I hate spring. I always have and always will. I probably would like it if it weren't for the damn rush to get everything done for school. Usually, even though I hate the hot weather, I look forward to the summer days. Outdoor swim team and no school work. But this summer I am dreading. I don't want it to come. Because Zach will be l... More About: Support
Finding my center
2008-04-21 18:20:00 Ok, well, I made it through the "not wanting to live thing", but now, I am just blah… I have recently been noticing something, that when I am with my husband, I feel more and more depressed. And I think I know why. He drains me of all my energy. He is smothering me to the point that I am just a shell of what I used to be. My identity is like, gone. He does everything for me, but I don't want that. But, when it comes down to something that is acutally "important", he screws up. In fact, I either pretend I am sleeping, or reading in the bedroom so I can have some "me" time. I used to be very spiritual, you know, meditating, chanting, putting up a circle, but since I have been married and living with him. I havn't done any of it. In fact, our bedroom is always a mess with clothes because he doesn't want to go to the laundry mat. I need to get away from him. Find myself again. Because, I am withering, fast!! I think it is time for a d... More About: Center
I Killed My Best Friend
2008-04-21 15:54:00 I had to have my cat put to sleep today. The leukemia-related complications were causing her too much pain and misery. I'm crying as I type this and the screen is kind of blurry, so bear with me if I misspell. I think this was the hardest thing I ever had to do. To have to stand there with the vet and make that horrible choice. Even though he explained all the options (and likely-hood of any kind of quality of life for her) in detail, I'm still wondering if I did the right thing. No, it was the kindest thing, but a part of me still feels like I gave up on her. When she was there for me during the worst time of my entire life. The vet actually suggested that I should get another kitten so I wouldn't be lonely. (I was crying in the office) I don't want another cat, you don't just replace somebody you love. The idea. It's not loneliness that makes me sad, it's feeling like I fail... More About: Friend , Killed
Mother is always a bitch!
2008-04-21 02:16:00 I feel so stressed. My mom isn't what I need right now. When she gets angry, it will increase her chances of getting a heart attack, which I do not want her to get. Yet sometimes, she really tests me, sometimes I wish she can hear what I really have to say about her mothering skills. I don't appreciate her talling me that I am stupid. I really don't like it at all. When she told me today that it was all my fault, well I stepped out of her way and took a shower. Her telling me that was unecessary and it makes me feel that I should move out of the apartment. I want to. I can do it. But I am in a lot of mixed up emotions as it is that I don't know I can keep my own place. I don't want anything fancy I just want something I can call my own place. First, I need a job and keep it. More About: Mother , Bitch
Huh?
2008-04-19 07:42:00 I'm trying to get my life in order now. There've been so many detours that I've gotten lost. I'm sure there was a reason for all of it. It's just frustrating right now. It would probably be a lot easier if I wasn't so idealistic. I guess I was supposed to outgrow that by now. I doubt that it will happen. It's a part of who I am. It's the part that has caused so much frustration in my life. Knowing the world just isn't what it should be. Not knowing what to do about it. Not knowing what can be done about it. There's times I would just like to retreat from the world and not have any involvement whatsoever, but that's not possible. So here I am, trying to find a way to fit this square peg I call "me" into the round hole that "normal" people call "life". I believe there's a place for everyone and everyone has a purpose, findin...
Bladder control medication
2008-04-19 07:03:00 Hi All, I just wanted to inform you that an author Sven Ullmann has posted an interesting article on “Bladder control medication” at www.healthocrates.com For reading the article visit at www.healthocrates.com/Bladder-control-med ications RegardsRobert More About: Control , Medication
Bladder control medication
2008-04-19 07:03:00 Hi All, I just wanted to inform you that an author Sven Ullmann has posted an interesting article on “Bladder control medication” at www.healthocrates.com For reading the article visit at www.healthocrates.com/Bladder-control-med ications RegardsRobert More About: Control , Medication
“Butterflies are going to take over”
2008-04-19 02:34:00 (This blog is me reminiscing about Heidi, trying to figure out some things..) Yesterday, I went to the park, like I have been doing for the past few days now. It was very nice out. A saw some people planning a wedding there. Lots of people taking pictures. This entry will be about Heidi and I- and basically and very, very summarized version of life with each other. Heidi has cancer.. She keeps calling, telling me she’ll be in the hospital and that she’s sick.. Okay, I understand that the first fifty times she called sobbing hysterically about it.. I don’t care. She knows that. I am not the person Heidi needs to be calling for comfort. All I will do is callously tell her I don’t care and softly tell her not to call back.. We have a meeting with SRS on Tuesday. Her adoptive parents are also coming as well, to talk about treatment. You know, it’s not like I haven’t wondered what happened to Heidi to make her so screwed up.. I literally think... More About: Butterflies
Help!
2008-04-18 00:05:00 My doctor took me off the Emsam patch which is an MAOI inhibitor as well as the Seroquel. This has really sent me into a tail spin. The suicidal thoughts have increased immensely and so has the cutting. I am not sure how long I can deal with this anymore. I have been fighting this disease for the last 32 years and I am sick of it. I just get to where I am feeling somewhat better and then bamm I am back down on the bottom again. It seems like I am always working to bring myself to some sense of normalcy. Can anyone relate? Has anyone got any suggestions? I just need support to help me get through this mess.
My Birthaday (part II)
2008-04-17 17:29:00 Okay. I survived my birthday. Thank you to everyone who wished me well. I am now officially old enough to run for president. (That's a scary thought, I can't imagine why anyone would want to; talk about a four-year headache) My nephew asked me what I wanted yesterday. I told him: "A perfect world and a job that pays a livable wage" He said: "Okay, what do you want that's realistic?" *pouting* I'm watching Taken right now. It's a pretty good show, I'm getting into it. Right now, it's at the episode where Dakota Fanning is about to kick the butts of a bunch of soldiers. I'm assuming that's what's going to happen, anyway. I'll figure out what to do, eventually. I wonder if the reason I'm having such a hard time with it is that I'm stressing about it. Maybe if I chill out a little it'll come to me. I tr... More About: Part
Track and Field scores
2008-04-16 23:38:00 Well, I've decided to keep a track of my Track scores because they're actually quite good. Today I got 70' 9" in Discus and 25' 9" in shotput (a great increase from last time!!) YAY ME!! that's it for now, tty all later! FyreSakura More About: Track and Field , Field , Scores
My Birthday
2008-04-15 22:50:00 Tomorrow is my birthday, and I have nothing to show for thirty-five years on this planet. Everything I once believed in has been shattered. I don't know what I believe, I don't know what I care about. I don't even know who I am anymore. I'm thirty-five years old, and I'm lost and empty. I'm not unhappy or depressed, I'm just dissatisfied. I don't want to spend the rest of my life catering to the vanity of strangers. I don't know what I want to do. I feel trapped. If I only had some kind of direction, I'd be alright. I'd be able to make a life for myself if I knew what to do, but I don't. I know what I'm capable of, I know what I can do. I just don't know what I want to do. The only thing I'm sure of right now is that I want my life to have meaning. I've spent my life doing what I "should" do, and gotten nothing... More About: Birthday
Stresssssssssssss!
2008-04-15 22:38:00 Okay, so I went back to school a couple of months ago and now am so stressed out that I cannot seem to see straight. I'm scared I'm gonna fail my classes– I'm already so far behind that I'm ahead. To top it off, I've got a kidney stone. I can handle emotional issues fine– have been doing it all my life. But this physical crap is the pits! I just keep pushing onward…. but I feel like I'm gonna shatter. I'm just so very very tired.
And there is comfort in the sound
2008-04-13 00:17:00 I am going to go through my day yesterday… Just because I feel like it- Math- Five pages for homework out of a book History- lecture/film Gym- baseball Cooking- notes Sewing- quilt Science- lab English- silent reading ..Isn’t my day exciting.. I actually don’t think I’ve even spoken today. Oh, I remember this morning I was talking to myself.. But that’s it. Hah. I am going over to Kate’s.. More than likely the last time I will see her for many years. Kind of sad when you think about it, but I’m not staying here. On Sunday, I am spending the day with Heidi.. Against my requests not to, of course.. Maybe we’ll go to the park and walk with her mother. I’d like to have a good time, but I know I won’t.. It’s not like I don’t want a good relationship with my mother.. It’s just that- that mother happens to be Heidi.. And she scares little children. >_> And, I honestly can’t really explain the thing... More About: Sound , Comfort
The Symptoms Of Asthma
More articles from this author:2008-04-11 08:52:00 Hi All, I just wanted to inform you that an author Sven Ullmann has posted an interesting article on “The Symptoms Of Asthma ” at www.healthocrates.com You can read the article at www.healthocrates.com/The-Symptoms-Of-Ast hma RegardsRobert 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 |
|
 |
|
 |
