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Do as I say, not as I do
2008-04-06 01:47:00
Let’s see- seven-six more weeks of school left? I never keep track though. Sewing is going alright. I’ve almost finished my pants.. I sewed them backwards. T_T Fixed them though.. Good as new, right? There isn’t a lot of exciting things going on in school right now. Seriously, nothing. I suppose it’s because it’s almost summer and things are ‘winding down.’ I’m just not used to things winding down.. XD My grandmother seems to think something is bothering me, so she wants to make an appointment for me with my old therapist. I think pretty highly of me- he is good at what he does, and I want to apologize for all the trouble I’ve caused him. I don’t really want to talk about my problems with him- just apologize and let him know what’s gone on these past few months. It’s supposed to rain for at least the next three days.. Gah..         ———-Heidi update——– Heidi...

dazed
2008-04-04 15:59:00
Huge head ache yesterday and I still have it. But it's but it's not as bad as yesterday. I was tired when watching a an indie film on Hugo Chavez.. I wanted to see it since Wednesday but when I was there I suddenly felt like a switch was on. I didn't know where I was and how I got there. I heard the movie but it was distant echoes. I don't know what it was I was just lost. The film was really good and I know I liked it because I am remembering how good it was and full of important ideas; at the same time I had no clue what was going on. As I am typing I know none of this makes sense, I just hope it isn't anything serious. 

Bittersweet
2008-04-04 10:38:00
Yesterday, I talked to my daughter.  I haven't talked to her in a long time.  Her father has custody and lives on the other side of the country.  I was so happy to talk to her, especially when I thought her father would never let us have contact.  It was so good to be able to tell her how much I still love her, and to know that she still loves me; even though I was a terrible mother when her father and I were still married.  I wasn't mean or anything like that.  Her father and I had a lot of problems and I withdrew because of it.  The daily fights made me not even want to be part of this world.  So, I withdrew and rejected life.  She was the one who was hurt by it. I hope we can continue to talk to each other.  I've missed her so much.  I wish I could take back all the time that I wasn't there.  She's growing up to be a wonderful person.  I'm amazed and grateful that she's forgiven ...
More About: Bittersweet

Dont really know
2008-04-04 05:01:00
i really dont know what to do…everything is his fault anyway… I hate him for it… for wanting to know more for being sucked into something that he will never understand… he wants to always know about my dreams and what goes on in them who the fuck cares they are my dreams why the hell does he want to know….I'm really angry right now…and the best part is I don't even know why I'm angry I just am… its my fault he moved so he shouldn't even be talking to me… his mother hates me so maybe I should do both of them a favor and just forget him and his quandary's about how I am or what I dream or how I'm feeling because lately I have been not wanting to feel anything… I just want him to forget everything, he doesn't deserve it so why should he know or even care about any of it…I hate it and I hate him… I have wasted his time and now he might go down a path that will inevitably lead ...

My Avatar :)
2008-04-03 11:52:00
Well, I tried uploading a photo to use as my avatar, but it turned out as a black spot.  I find it kind of amusing, though.  It's definitely original.  I think I'll leave it like that.   I'm making a little more progress on future plans; bringing them closer to the present.  I'm happy about that.  Still a lot to do before I can get started, though.  Little by little, I'm making progress.  I'm even not questioning my sanity the way I used to.    
More About: Avatar

Gomenasai
2008-04-02 18:41:00
I feel so sorry, so sorry for you. Sorry for what I've done to you. I cried, I tried, but I did not forget. We've been seperated, feels like forever, forever is too long. I can still feel you, even so far away. *tears*I wish we could've shared some more time together, walking in the fields and having fun… But then once again when Im alone in my bed crying I realise…..: "There has never been a 'you' whom I've spent my time with and laughed with. I was alone from the start.." Maybe I'm not supposed to exist. Maybe this is a waste. These last 15 years weren't worth living for, why would the rest of my life be different. People say things will change, turn for the better. But I don't feel I belong here. Only one solution Keep dreaming, Zandjil.

NYC
2008-04-02 04:51:00
in about 2 weeks i will be gone for 5 weeks working my ass off to get some moeny, when i get the moeny i will get myself a new laptop, i's going to be so cool, but heres the thing i have to make it, i have to make 5 weeks, most people go home with in 1 week cause the work is so hard. and when or if i do make it i will get around 1,000  that if i make it,  so please pray for me, so that i may make the whole 5 weeks

My Future?
2008-04-01 19:09:00
My job may be full-time as of next week.  That's a good thing.  There's still other things I want, but I think once I'm not so worried about money it'll be easier to pursue my goals.  Also, to figure out what it is that I really want to do.  Wants are a lot easier to figure out when you're not stressing over needs. I'm thinking that I may be ready to try dating again someday soon.  I thought I never would want to, but it seems I was wrong.  But I'm still holding off until I have everything (or at least heading toward) that I want for myself.  I'm not going to put myself in the position of giving up my happiness for someone else ever again.  You can't count on people to uphold their end of a deal.  It's sad, but it's the truth.  I still think that I want to work from home.  There are so many things that I could do, but I'm not making a final decision until I know that i...
More About: Future

Diminished sense of feelings
2008-04-01 00:49:00
I had been having really strong feelings for someone.  I didn't know what to do with these feelings so I began to panic.  Now all the feelings I have (save the anxiety) are pretty much numbness.  I still love this person.  I've grown into something much more human thanks to this person.  I'm always soooooooooooooo shy and quite to tell this person how I feel.   I'm just trying to enjoy the feelings of being close to this person and enjoy whatever time we had together. I tried to do that with everyone I happen to meet instead of panicking and wishing I had never opened my mouth.  It has worked well even with the people I already know.     I'm afraid that this numbness will take over and I won't be able to respond to my friends' gestures of kindness or to anyones.  I end up getting really sad when I can't respond to them, and eating unhealthy foods (chocolate).  I'm trying to work real...
More About: Sense , Feelings

Over and out of order
2008-03-31 15:24:00
I am so nervous. Earlier today, this morning I just couldn't sleep and I was having short breaths. I feel so out of order and a little lost. The feeling of not being able to sustain control. Very anxious, which is normal before a speech. But having my issues, I don't now how much of this anxiety is normal.  I want to have control over this but some of it is out of my hands. I get frustrated because I want to know that all that suppose to happen is going to happen, my speech is going to be alright and that all I have to do is work on my other homework. I can't help to feel like I am going to get a phone call from home, something bad. "Mom is in the hospital" or "Dad just had a stroke", it would definitely drop all my school work and ask for a ride home. I am being pessimistic and I don't blame myself for it, I have every reason to. 
More About: Order

If I could just Pull out
2008-03-29 18:55:00
2008-3- 29: Please, Pull out my plug. I've had enough. I can't take it anymore. Someone pull the trigger…

Walk-In?
2008-03-28 11:00:00
I'm going through a lot right now.  I'm still trying to figure out who I am.  Sometimes I get a glimmer of an idea, and then it fades.  I know there's a purpose for what I'm going through, but I still don't understand what it is. I'm experiencing a spiritual crisis and an identity crisis at the same time.  I'm trying to figure out who I am and what I believe.  This is a very frustrating and confusing place to be.  Until I figure out those two things, how am I supposed to figure out what I want to do?  I feel empty and broken.  I know that I'm being rebuilt and filled with something new, but I'm getting impatient.  Also scared, because I think that when I have all the answers that I'm looking for, it'll end up with something that was never a part of me before.  I guess this goes back to what I said when I first joined this site.  I've died and I'm being re-born.&nbs...
More About: Walk

Captain Jack
2008-03-28 01:48:00
Let’s see.. What is there to talk about today? It’s a little late.. Not really- but a little. I’m up writing essays. I’ve gotten about half of them finished.. Here’s a paragraph from my science essay that I find funny because I don’t know what the heck I’m talking about.. “The results support the hypothesis of adding water to strengthen the quality of topsoil. The more water added, the more the quality increased. The data shows that the topsoil is at it’s weakest point when it is completely dry. Of course, interfering variables include the temperature of the water and how quickly the water was poured. A way to correct the errors would be a simple timer and a plumbing system that only allows a certain degree of temperature to flow through it- eliminating the variety of different temperatures. With more moisture(water) involved, the topsoil should become more resistant to the average rain fall, therefore lessening erosion.”...
More About: Jack , Captain

at the heart of it all
2008-03-27 15:57:00
I feel like shit. I feel like I can't do anything. I am trying to get through the day but it seems like something is stopping me and all I can think of is me. The person that won't let me do anything. I guess it's the negative thing when I say that I am the on that is keeping myself back. I feel nervous. I feel like I am going to snap!
More About: Heart , The Heart

Fire at will
2008-03-26 20:45:00
{Spell check was not used.. You’ve been warned}    I haven’t made a journal entry in ages. I am almost ashamed of myself. Notice how I said almost. XP My spring break was just a break I suppose. I spent most of my times over at Heidi’s mother’s house, watching cops. My grandmother and I have this thing- it’s like a ritual that whenever I’m over, we always watch cops and America’s most wanted together- especially since she doesn’t have cable. On Wednesday and Thursday- I slept over at Erica’s house. I had a very good time, actually. We laughed more than I had laughed in two months in a 48 hour period. Now that is what I call progress. We spent a few hours over at her friend’s house one evening- where we played guitar hero and jumped on a trampoline.. Can you believe that? I haven’t felt like such a kid in a very long while. I haven’t acted like that in.. god- how many years? I’ve lost count.. Not like you would know though.. Hah. It was nice wh...
More About: Fire

Caught! Shit!
2008-03-26 18:56:00
I smoked today and I feel like people are watching me like I am too young to do it. I know this because one of my professors told me. She said I am too young to smoke. I didn't feel like arguing on such a depressing day, so I did not bother defending myself. Though I must say I don't recall saying something other than "No I'm not". I don't think I looked at her face. It was too bright out and I don't know why but I think it is very ironic that she was wearing blue. 
More About: Shit , Caught

Today was a rough day
2008-03-26 02:17:00
Today I am having many suicidal thoughts. We are getting ready to go to Florida and I should be excited but instead I am thinking like this. My husband is in charge of all of my meds and keeps them locked up so that I don't have access to them because I have thought of suicide many times before and my plan is to take an overdose. So normally I don't have access to any meds. However, we just got some prescriptions filled and my husband didn't have time to put them away before he went to work. I knew that they were there all day today and really had a hard time not grabbing the bottle. Why can't I look forward to the trip and not be thinking these kinds of thoughts. Any ideas?
More About: Today

Fet up
2008-03-25 23:18:00
He comes in my room stands there never says a word then walks out screaming F**King Computer what can I do he is no friend to me and I am looking for a friend to talk to. I need Support and he wont give it to me. I wish he would never come home at times. I can't take it no more.

health and drugs
2008-03-25 09:27:00
if there is anyone who is in medical…who may really know….i would like staright answers…what does smoking coke do to your barin and lungs, liver, kidneys….i just cannot get staright information.  is a year considered long term?  what are the damages done during a year of heavily smoking coke…i will not get into the heroin…because i know.  i just wonder…all of that crap in the pipe…all of that bake…the oil…does that stay in the lungs and sits for years and years…maybe one day causing caner or something…does it ever get out and your lungs get clean??  is there brain damage everytime cocaine hits the brain??  i am serious and very worried.  i wonder why i have so much kidney pain after smoking for a day and a night or so….??  thanks for any medically substaniated information
More About: Health , Drugs

baby steps
2008-03-25 09:19:00
after many months of fighting and slipping and then get a foothold….yesterday was a nightmare…the damn broke and i couldnt face the day or the night…as i was sitting there in the evening after several weeks of a binge….i went to my first NA meeting.  i just couldnt face the night or the guilt or the hopelessness alone….it was killing me…internally empty….just wanted to get high to prolong the arrival of the pain and guilt.  called family…they said…i hadnt fooled anyone…they knew i wasnt well…shit, it just didnt work out like i had planned or wanted.  the drugs are so powerful…it is somehow combined with my psyche…its a twisted..self-hatred…evil.  so, i walked in and i never experienced anything like that.  my girlfriend says "i dont understand"…..well…the se people understood.  they know.  it helped me.  i am withdrawing pre...
More About: Baby , Steps

um… trust issues and ect.
2008-03-24 20:04:00
damn this font is tiny… anyway i gota question for you guys ( and girls). when can you TRULY trust someone. i know this is kind of sketchy for a question but at home i cant even trust my dad cus hes tried to kill me b4 but thats another story. at scholl my friends use me so can i trust them wit anything? i can trust you guys cus… well… damn. i know i can trust you guys bcus the ppl that i do know have flaws that are messed up and dark. not sayn bad stuff but they dont " accept" the thought of compassion for others. how can i tell when a person is trustable? first blog ever. sorry if this is… pushin any one of u. hope to( hope? hahahaha irony)(?) get replies. sorry if i seem stupid. oh ya! i say sorry ALOT TO EVERYONE even when its not my fualt. thats not right, right?:…………&h ellip;……..
More About: Issues , Trust

No More B.S.
2008-03-22 10:31:00
I have to find another job.  The one I have, I'll never be able to make a living at.  It's frustrating.  So the search starts again.  It was good to get this one to build up my confidence, but there's just no money in it.  I'm not greedy, but I do want to feed, house and clothe myself.  (and have at least some comfort, okay I want a lot of comfort)  I deserve that much.  It will happen.  I don't know how yet, but I just know that it will. If I'm going to drag myself out of bed every morning, I will find a way to make it worth it to me.  If my energy is going to be drained every single day, I will find a way to make it worth it to me.  I'm so tired of kissing @** and getting nothing for it.  I should not have to depend on my sister at the age of 34.  This is ridiculous.  Something will change.  I will have the things I want, and they will be mine.  Not given to me by som...

well
2008-03-21 02:41:00
Doing alright today although I have been on the verge of tears off and on…I dont know why just emotional today…I don't like those kinds of feelings it irritates me to no end. Someone talked to me today and it made me feel loads better…I really like that person and I am glad that they are doing better and are in a better place. I also feel that I am becoming even closer to that person even though they are far away… I really do consider them like a brother. I will be as patient as I can and I will even be more patient beyond that because I'm not very good at being patient. I found out that that person is also having dreams somewhat similar to my own and to hear that really makes me happy to hear. We don't really understand ourselves until we understand what others around us think or feel about us, does it matter what they think…maybe…My throat still hurts horribly…the earth is really pretty from space…One day I kno...

More changes.
2008-03-20 21:34:00
Had to quit my job unfortunately, I could not deal with the stress of living with my crack-addicted, money-taking, videogame/console-stealing mother. So I moved in with my aunt and quit my job, my mother took off with most of my paychecks… but supposedly my grandmother will pay me back with a check. =/ Although it's not really her fault. In any case my problem bothers me as usual, my gender dysphoria. But… I have a psychologist now. Tamrah was a social worker who was helping my younger brother Mason,  because he was nervous/anxious/shy, and now she's helping me by visiting once a week.  Mostly talking and planning. I know I still need tons of money to achieve my goal… but I want to get a job in the area, this time I won't mess up or fall back. I hope.  Umm that's about it. I've been playing with my V4 Tamagotchi, Suikoden Tactics for ps2, The Sims on my cousin's computer, and doing housework lately.. mostly been bored...

book, book, book
2008-03-20 18:41:00
Went to check out the school, and now I'm back to square one.  I wasn't impressed.  I think I was just using the idea as a distraction from the book because I still don't have enough faith in myself.  I think some of the things going on are necessary, but I also think I've been involved in avoidance.  I don't like having to admit that.  
More About: Book

Eating my feelings…again
2008-03-19 23:15:00
I'm off for Spring Break and all I'm doing is sleeping and eating my feelings.  I think I gained all the weight I lost and then some.  I'm trying to go back to how I was before, hard working, organized, and goal driven.  I feel horrible.  I'm not like that anymore and I'm failing classes and it's not even the middle of the semester.  I keep failing because I feel like everything is hopeless.  I feel that whatever I do is going to fail and that I'm never good enough because of who I am.  I try to be positive and cheerful; I can be for others and I truly am for them, but not for me.   Everything is creeping up on me again.  All the voices, the images, and nightmares.  I'm hiding in my blanket cave again, because I'm too afraid to come out and deal with the world in front of me.  I watched 3 minutes of the news yesterday and I was almost in a panic. I'm  so  terrified of w...
More About: Feelings , Eating

Wat I am
2008-03-19 12:32:00
I know that to most of you, im a total stranger. Honestly, i don't even know myself. I live my life to help others, and no, that isnt emo, and it isnt depression, its called devotion, compassion, empathy. I love all of my friends with all of my heart. but when it comes to love, there seems to be little left for me. I am not the type to abandon people, and i admit, i do cling a bit, but when your mother and all of your friends leave you when you need them most, after you have given everything to make them happy. I'm sure by now, most of you either believe that i am just some emo, am morbidly depressed, or think im some kid with normal problems and just add drama to everything. If i do, then i am sorry, but i take care and watch over everyone who has no one. I know, im digging my own grave, but isnt it the dead who are supposed to bury the dead? i offer all of you the gift of brotherly love and hope for all who ask.

School
2008-03-19 07:48:00
I'm up early again this morning.  The dog put his nose in my face just before 5AM.  I know, not that early for most people, but I work evenings.  I have an appointment to go check out a school today.  I want to make sure I like it before I enroll.  Meet the instructors if I can, because these are the people that I'll have to deal with while I'm learning.  That is one of the benefits of a trade school.  They're smaller, with smaller classes and a better chance of seeing the humanity of the instructors beforehand.  I like to know what I'm getting into. When I was on the phone, the admissions person asked me which course I was interested in.  I thought all they offered was therapeutic massage.  I'm going to have to find out what else they offer.  There may be something closer to what I ultimately want.  That way I don't find out about it when it's too late and then find myself wishing t...
More About: School

still cant sleep…
2008-03-19 05:34:00
sleep evades me and my mind seems to hasten… I am aware that all the world is sleeping…everyone but me….my mind is flowing thoughts raceing…this thing or that over and over again… not one thought but hundreds all at once… i cannot focus…i cannot slow the maddness that lives inside my head…. a highway flowing and turning…forever it remains my life…. calm…i dont remember… serenity…ive never known it… peace of mind…an illusion…yet to be mastered…..I sit and i contimplate alone in the quiet room but still thought af strange things still race through my head…its almost as if my mind believes its dreaming and my body is awake,,just being….just running and running and my body just stuck in that so called rut..that one place it cant seem to leave… I want to make it leave but i cannot i try again and again…and so i think that if i were to calm my ...
More About: Sleep

People..
2008-03-18 21:49:00
I worked on a new piece of art today…Not really sure how well it is or if it is going to work… usually when I have dreams about Ω I work on art similar to the one that I did… It has a lot of feeling in it, a lot of my will…  I really like how it came out now all I have to do is wait for the out come, that is the hard part waiting… I'm not the best at being patient.  There are people around me again that are trying to hide in falsehoods… they act friendly and invite me over to talk but I know what they want from me and it isn't friendship… I have walked down that road far to many times and well I'm done with being hurt by people who just don't care.  I am learning to be happy for myself, for me that is not such an easy thing… I am still learning that I deserve happiness, I am learning that this world is full of a lot of selfish people and for me not to be one of them is a hard thing to do...
More About: People