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Dreams
2008-03-18 15:54:00
So I have been having this dream lately and it has really been shaking me up a lot… I mean I don't often get nightmares that frighten me but this one does…kind of…  I am working on something that will help me with it…A picture, a curse…whatever it is it always seems to help me… the drawings that I do… I call them gifts from Omega but I'm sure thats not what they are.  Sometimes I get ill shortly after I do the drawings but I don't think thats the point of them I think its more along the lines of getting all of the ill will out of me…maybe the ill will is Omegas poison infecting me with fear and loss of hope… I have been kind of lonely lately I'm sure that isn't helping but I will do alright…I have been writing a lot too…thinking about about all of the things that I have done reflecting on everything that I have done…I do not regret any of it because there is nothing...
More About: Dreams

Back To School
2008-03-17 10:33:00
I think I'm going to call the therapeutic massage school today and make an appointment for a tour.  Then decide if I want to enroll.  I worked a tension knot out of my friend's shoulder the other day.  (She had recently been run over by a car, but she's okay.  Sprained ankle and a lot of muscle stiffness)  I had talked to people at work about possibly going to school for this, after I helped my friend they were all volunteering to let me practice on them if I went to school.   Still a little scared of the idea, but it's something I'm good at.  It would likely be a step toward where I want to be.
More About: School , Back , Back to School

It starts again
2008-03-16 03:50:00
This is an on going battle with me, but lately it's been getting worse.  I start to see things that aren't there,  I hear whispers, and I started to be a little suspicious again.  My twitching is also becoming a bit of a problem because I no longer know what is causing it.  My psy. dr. lowered my meds. so that twitching wouldn't happen, but it still continues.  Very recently I've been hearing my familiar voice and I don't know how to ignore it.  I really don't mind this voice, but I know this voice is very powerful.   All this is so confusing.  I know that not sleeping is something that I shouldn't do, but the nightmares I'm having are pretty miserable.  I wake up crying, and sweating, almost screaming because I don't want those things to happen again or happen at all. Either I sleep for too long or I keep waking up.  I'm so nervous about sleep and about my waking life too.  I h...

Who Let the Dawgs Out? (I know, I borrowed the title)
2008-03-14 20:12:00
I'm feeling some minor attraction to someone new lately.  I'm leaving it alone, though because I know these feelings are only rebound-based.  I'm not ready, and if it turned out that he liked me, it wouldn't be fair to him. I would like to find someone someday.  I'd have to figure out what I really want, though.  All I've got on that so far is that he has to be spiritual, but not religious.  I know a whole lot about what I don't want: He can't be a musician, or a biker, or involved in any kind of lifestyle that favors wild parties.  That kind of environment is not conducive to a healthy relationship.  It's not even remotely conducive to trust.  Speaking of trust, why is it that the most notorious hell-raisers are the quickest to demand trust that they haven't earned?  Just something I found interesting.  The common litany is "I haven't given you any reason not to trust...
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Feeling strange
2008-03-14 16:56:00
I've been feeling strange for a while now.  I don't know how to snap out of it.  I feel so sleepy and yet I get sleep.  I wake up and feel exhausted even more than when I fell asleep.  I tired eating better, but still not hungry.  I don't mind it much.  I just get dizzy spells and I have to eat right after (that's how I know I haven't eaten).  I feel like I'm not me.  Like someone has taken over the parts that make up this human being and I exist outside of this body.  At least I'm a little more talkative than usual.    
More About: Strange , Feeling

iam gay!
2008-03-13 21:51:00
i think iam gay,because in my science class . this girl and me sat next to each other.her elbow and mine kept tounching and it felt good to me. i felt my heart start to beep fast,and it felt good when this girl kept her elbow there. after that i really think iam gay. i think i have feelings for this girl also. but iam not telling anybody that,because this hates gays,and she will just break my heart in the process. i think iam going to tell everybody iam gay in high school. instead of middle school,but my mom and dad are going to hate me,and maybe kick me out of the house.

Half Asleep & Rambling
2008-03-13 07:16:00
I was awakened from a sound sleep at 4:30 by the dog growling at the cat.  He only growls when he's been startled out of a sound sleep, so I'd sure like to know what happened.  That's one mystery that will probably never be solved.  I got up because once I've been awakened at any time past 3:00, if I go back to sleep I'll sleep half the day. The upside is, I get to watch Angel.  One of my favorite shows that they only run at 5 & 6AM.  I've seen the entire series several times and I still get into it.  Same with Charmed.  I know, cheesy shows but I still like them.  
More About: Rambling , Half

Healthocrates - Our Mission
2008-03-12 04:32:00
Healthocrates was created by  physicians approximately one year ago to develop a healthcare website that is easy touse and navigate, easy to read by both physicians, scientists and the general public and free to everyone. Our vision is to develop a wiki-based health care website, where everyone can enjoy, become members, and contribute new original articles or improve or update exisiting articles.  The world has a diverse and educated population of physicians,  scientists, and other health professionals who have not had the opportunity, up until now, to contribute to a current, universally accessible website devoted to health and wellness. There are physicians and scientists everywhere who help care for patients who have interesting and sometimes complex case histories who would like to present this information to other health professionals around the world without having to wait months  to have this information published in journals. Physicians and the public m...
More About: Mission

would?
2008-03-11 16:45:00
He doesn't understand that it isn't my fault. He stinks I can control my mood swings and thoughts, but I can't. I love him very much and I've been a coward to tell him that. I don't know how many relationships I've had that did get ruined because no guy or girl wants to be with a girl that is "crazy". I just want someone who will be with me through thick and thin. But I know what a lot of you would say. I am only 19 and I got the future ahead of me, knowing me and my condition as of now, there is not one. I'll be lucky if I make to 30 years old. I've always said that, even when I was in high school. A good friend of mine said, when we were 14, "I wont make it till 16". It sounded really stupid considering all the factors in her situation, she had nothing, just the occasional absurdities that an average 14 year old goes through. Maybe people can stop blaming my age right now and focus on my real problem. Right now, I have a ...

::.sigh.::
2008-03-10 18:16:00
I really hate it when people I normally talk to all the time are online and when I go to talk to them, they hardly talk back. It makes me feel really ignored and rejected.   Maybe I'm overreacting a little, but I hate being left alone and right now, I'm alone. It's hurting me really badly and I can't deal with it.  I just…feel like I'm losing my friends…And  thinking that is hard…They're really all I have… ::.sigh.:: I hate this… 
More About: Sigh

i want my life to end.
2008-03-10 14:46:00
i don't know why but i am really sad, i don't know why but i am. i think it's cause i have very few friedns that i can talk to meaning they are in front of me where i can see them. my life sucks i what my life to end.
More About: Life , My Life

Ummm……
2008-03-09 18:56:00
It's been a pretty good day.  I made it through the workday smoothly.  I've figured out what I want to go to school for and do for a career.  (My book may not get published, and even if it does it may not sell that well.  So I have to do something else as well)  I'm going to find a school for therapeutic massage.  I'm feeling a little scared of the idea, because I'm not really a "people person" but I do like to help others.  What a weird combination in one person.  I must be the most paradoxical person I know.  I have personal space issues, but if someone is in pain, I feel compelled to do something about it.  I just don't know what to think of myself sometimes. I still don't feel inclined to even look at anyone romantically right now.  Someday, I'll probably want to try again; but I don't see it anytime soon. 

Im still sick but feeling better
2008-03-09 16:23:00
Well Im still getting over a sore throat from having salmonella poisoining.  I am doing and feeling a lot better now Im still having troubles with sleep though.  I dont sleep much I think its because I worry to much or think to much.  But there is always too much that I need to do or take care of.  I kind of have a headache at the moment but Im sure it will go away after awhile…they typically do Im still trying to decide what to do for dinner/lunch tonight… Im thinking about having some soup but I dont know yet. I am also a bit worried about a friend that I havent heard from im like a week.  He usually talks to me by now.  He must be busy…he will talk to me when he finds time or the ability to, so I will try not to worry. 
More About: Sick , Feeling

Rough Morning
2008-03-07 13:13:00
Everything seems to irritate me today.  I understand that it's because I'm still dealing with the pain of loss (the pain that I had sucked-up for the last three months)  I'm trying to move on, but I feel like it should have happened already.  I'm angry because I'm alone after he had promised I wouldn't be.  I'm angry because I no longer have any hope of ever having a successful relationship.  I'm angry with him because he denied me that hope.  I'm angry with myself for not being satisfied with what everyone else in the world seems to think is "enough" and "normal".  I hate to admit it, but I'm also angry with my newly widowed sister for minimizing my pain by saying she'd rather go through what I'm going through.  At least she got to know what it felt like to be truly loved.  Something I will probably never experience.  I'm also angry with myself for...
More About: Morning

Yeah, I Love You Too…
2008-03-06 11:54:00
Hey, I’m really kinda happy that I can actually send messages and stuff now on hopecube… But like, I had to make a new profile. I still don’t know what was wrong with the other one, but the messaging was messed up. But now it should work, so you can send me lots of messages. I’m going to Washington D.C. on the 23rd and I’ll be there all week through the 29th. It is going to be so effing awesome. So yeah. I’ll be gone for that week. But I still love you guys. I’ll send you even more messages when I get back. I actually feel like I fit in. That stupid guy and his mom are still giving me crap. But I’ll get over it. What do they do to people that say they’re gonna do stuff? That stupid idiot. Okay… I don’t know if anybody actually reads these blogs, but if you do, I seriously need some help. Okay, so anyway, my ex girlfriend wants to dump her current boyfriend to go out with me again, and I have feelings for her still. ...
More About: Love , I Love You , Yeah

Screw it all.
2008-03-06 11:53:00
You ever been depressed? Sure you have. We all have, but I mean like really depressed, like kill yourself depressed, like f- it all I’m gonna blow my effing brains all over my effing ceiling kind of depressed. I seriously doubt it. It’s kind of like the way that I cannot stand those optimistic people, who are like always giving you false hope and stuff about things that are never going to happen ever. There are people who see the glass as half full, those who see it as half empty, and those who see it as shattered into a million little sharp pieces that cut your skin until you’re writhing in bloody agony on your floor. What do you call that?   Shawn   Currently listening to- “Welcome To The Black Parade” –My Chemical Romance 7:14PM
More About: Screw

I’m not so sure I can handle it…
2008-03-05 18:40:00
I don’t know. I keep getting it. My life feels like it’s turning completely upside down. I’ve been bad thought free for a few days, and they’re coming back, and I expected that they would, but they’re really bad. I’m not like on drugs or anything like that, but like I’m just sitting in class thinking about how terrible the world is. Everybody’s like ‘what’s wrong,’ and I can’t answer them because it’s stupid and I can’t talk to people. So I put on my happy face and tell them that everything’s okay. It’s getting really bad, even my grades are affected, and my teachers started noticing. They suggested that I go see a counselor, and this isn’t one teacher that says it, it’s like all my teachers. I put on my happy face again and tell them that I’m all right. It’s hard not to go back to cutting myself, and I still have the razor under my pillow, you know, just habit. My...
More About: Handle

Just a Rant
2008-03-05 17:34:00
I was reading my e-mail today and received a request to sign a petition.  (I'm a member of the Care2 Network, so I receive a lot of them)  I enjoy signing petitions for causes in which I believe because I'm pretty powerless in this world and it's one way in which I can have my say. This petition request, however, annoyed me.  I read it and was prepared to sign until I reached the last paragraph in which they offered to enter my name in a drawing for some possible reward.  After I saw that, the petition was deleted without any action taken.  I was just so insulted!  To think that they would stoop to try to appeal to my sense of greed to get me to do the right thing!  Mind you, I'm not without some greed, but issues that matter are not the place for it.  If something is the right thing to do, I'm going to do it; not for some "reward", but because it's the right thing to do.  I'm just so aggrava...
More About: Rant

Bullying
2008-03-05 16:15:00
so I feel like crying 24/7.  I mean lil things make me happy but also hurt me.  My school mates have been abusing me since day 1 and now i can't stand it.  I saids i would hurt a guy so the school searched my locker.  they found all my poetry about suicide, abuse, and rape.  So i had to get a psych evalutuaon.  i'm just manically depressed!  it doesn't matetr bcuz ppl say they r goin to get me expelled.  i'm screwed cuz everyone only hears 1 side of the story so ppl think i'm crazy. so some ppl think im crazy bcuz they can't beleive their kids would tell me to kill myslef and treat me like shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!  so now i have to get out of my classes so others won't hurt me.  they all say i hate them, but i never did anythign as bad as what they do to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Why do they hate me so much???????????????????
More About: Bullying

Problems
2008-03-03 22:23:00
Well, I have to admit, i'm having some problems keeping my self injury under control. T.T I've been hitting a lot lately and I almost cut tonight, but stopped myself right before i did and threw the razor away. I've been hitting for a few days and already when I hit I lose feeling/control of my left arm for a few minutes and it's black and blue, but I'm hoping that this is just a phase. *sweat!* I've been having a lot of stress with Excel and I have a major amount of projects going on and I think I'm getting too overwhelmed. Plus, I'm being really hard on myself lately and always pumping negative comments into my head. It seems that I never concentrate because anytime I get a paper back and its not a 100%, i go to the bathroom just so I can hit a little and get back at myself for how stupid I am. I know its irrational to make such a big deal out of maybe just getting 1 wrong, but i can't help, it gets me soooo depressed! i think i'm ...
More About: Problems

GAAAAAAAH!
2008-03-02 09:30:00
I've hit another brick wall in my life.  It happens frequently.  I start out with a plan and a direction, I follow it and BAM! I'm knocked down by uncertainty and fear.  The trouble is, I have so many questions in my mind all the time and it seems as if the answers only lead to more questions.  Sometimes I envy "normal people" who never seem to think about anything.  I'm not saying that I'd like to be like that, it's just not who I am.  But it does seem like an easier life with a greater sense of freedom.  I'm always second-guessing myself.  It's not so much self-doubt, but an intense need to be absolutely certain beyond any questions or doubts.  I'm beginning to think that's a state that doesn't exist.  If it doesn't, then how does one ever really know that they're right or wrong?  Wrongness is unacceptable because being wrong and going forward anyway ...

dream girl part 2
2008-02-29 22:48:00
i learned today that the girl i dreamnt have alot in common. i don't what that means ,oh well,i still haven't figure if iam gay or not. still trying to figure that out. oh yeah i think yaoi is great. if you don't know what that means,it's boyxboy realtionship. everybody at my school hates it.
More About: Girl , Dream , Part

And they say it goes away with age
2008-02-29 21:22:00
{warning- no spell check was used on this.. You may need a translator) Sorry I haven’t posted in a while.. I have a tendency to lack motivation. In gym, we’re still doing volleyball. It’s torturous. My team was sitting out, not even played because we have six teams and two nets so two teams will sit out while the others play and all that. Even there I’m not safe. I keep feeling like I’m going to get hit by the volleyball.. -.- I was sitting there, watching the other people play, making sure they didn’t hit it over towards where I was.. And they did. ..That was scary. Really, it was! I just pulled my legs up close to me and put my hands over my head and was just like, ‘ahh!!’ We had to get partners, so naturally- I was the only one without one. Doesn’t bother me as much as you think it would. Anyway, this one guy really wanted me on his team for some reason and he kept telling his team captain to pick me.. Hah. He didn’t know my name. “Pick the girl without a p...

Harassment Result
2008-02-29 20:59:00
Well, I talked to my friend about the harassment issue a few weeks back, so I'm telling you how it's going now. He said that he didn't realize it was making me so uncomfortable and that he thought I was okay with it. Well, obviously not right? So, he said he was sorry and that he would tone it down a bit. It's not that bad anymore, he doesn't say anything bad anymore and he doesn't do inappropriate actions, so I guess it's much better, but he still follows me around. But now I've got another problem, another boy whose not exactly my friend, but I talk to him out of pity because he's new and has no friends, has been all over me lately. He was so bad around me, that my homeroom teacher told him to "Give her space to breathe!" during class a few days ago. She also told me that it's okay to tell him to get away from me, but I think i'm too scared because the reason he moved was because he flipped out on some kids at his ol...
More About: Harassment , Result

My Mother is Having an Affair
2008-02-29 20:59:00
I could honestly kill her tonight. I heard her taking on the phone with someone, as she always does when dad isn’t home. I was in the living room watching tv, and she was in her bedroom. I got up, went to the kitchen to make popcorn, and when I came back their topic of discussion had changed. She was making loud sexual sounds and talking to them at the same time. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I started gagging. I’m so angry I can barely see straight. I’m shaking and crying with rage. I figured she was flirting with her online friends, sure, but god. I never thought she was capable of this. I don’t know what to do. I want to kill myself. I want to run away. I want to tell dad. Holy shit, how am I going to look them in the face ever again? I can’t believe this happened. I can’t tell dad.   I just heard mom walking around the house so I got up and locked my door. Dad should be home any minute from work. He works his head off ...
More About: Mother , Affair

an old friend
2008-02-29 10:52:00
it was a casual meeting..nothing special…hadnt seen these friends in a while….im ok, been ok for a while.  you dont mind if we light up a bit?  go ahead, ive beaten that…ill just chill.  the vapors(smell) was like an old friend i hadn’t seen in a while.  the old friend says, ive missed you, im not as bad as you had thought…you let me go, you can do it again…you are in control.  soon i was an hour late for work, then 4, then i returned home the next day…no money, no work…..crushed.  at this point i realised extremely drastic measures must be taken….i turned myself in. i actually stood there and confessed to supervisor”im an addict”… it is either death and devastation or absolutley knowing i am not hidden and my demons are not stalking me alone.  i gave numbers and instructions to everyone near me.  “help me”…if you suspect i am no...
More About: Friend

i found out
2008-02-28 19:37:00
yesterday i found out that i have Autism. and i have it big, i what to know as much about Autism as possible. i am so scared.please help me out.  

Silly Girl
2008-02-28 12:00:00
I’ve stopped taking those stupid pills.  I’ve been off them for about two weeks.  I can think again.  They did help when the crisis was there though. I’m finally over my ex.  I wish him well and feel sorry for the next girl who falls for him.  When we first got together, the fact that he had been divorced four times should have been a clue.  *laughs at self*  Hopefully, other women are smarter than I was.  My goal now is to be able to remove all my issues from my list.  Wouldn’t it be wonderful to have no issues?  I wonder if there’s anyone like that?  To think that life is good all the time.  Never worrying, never being sad, just floating along and conquering everything that comes along without drama and pain.  Hey, a girl can dream, right?
More About: Girl , Silly

My story
2008-02-28 10:53:00
Hi all. I'm new to hopecube.I decided to join this in hope to share w/others of what I've been through.It's good to know you're not alone. I was molested as a child,by a family friend.He would touch my privates and get me to perform oral sex on him.I was about 5 yrs old.He would tell me that his penis was a lollipop.This man still visits my grandma's house and sits to have coffee and conversation with her.When he sees me he says Hi and I can't help but think does he even know that he screwed up my life?Does he know that I rem all the disgusting things he did while I was a young child? I had told my mom and she had confronted him.My grandmother told her that if she believed me cause young kids really don't tell the truth.Nothing more was ever done. I grew up a single child and my mom a single mother.WHen I was about 8 years old I remember going to a family members house where my cousin and I would be in the room watching tv and me trying to se...
More About: Story , My Story

****
2008-02-28 02:55:00
I was feeling really crappy and suicidal today, I swear I wanted to trow myself down a flight of stairs but I decided I didn't want to end in a "splat" or end up managing to survive it and hate myself forever. My sister didn't help at all, ever since 10:40 I've wanted to give her a huge ass knuckle sandwich. My left wrist has been hurting for the past month or so, I haven't been able to do much cause of the pain and thats also bringing me down a lot, I threw myself a few times to a wall, made me feel a tad better, also some light cuts in my arms, but this week has been a real bitch leaving me with few resorts.