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Help me…
2008-04-10 16:46:00
I don't know what the hell happening to me…First time since all this depression make my live a pile of puke I felt happy, for long, stable, wrok, sports, fun. And now this…Some girl that I don't even know became friends with my bf…he was kind a colder to me since then or around that time, he gave rational reasons for this. About her he say that they are just friends. He had female friends before, but I never felt jelaus at least not that much. Everytime i remember that she exist I feel bad, feel pain. I trust him that nothing going on but some annoying little voice make me doubt. I just don't wan't to think about her…she now active in his forum that was down for a while and I refused to write there anymore even that I am admin because he made her a moderator in a few section. He say that she promised to help him with the forum invite people…I don't write there anymore, he will not remove her because he says that he hate tha...

Strees?
2008-04-10 16:32:00
My headaches are not going away. I stopped drinking coffee since last week and I've been sleeping ok (5hrs- it's still a work in progress). But I guess that isn't enough; nothing is. I feel so hopeless. 

who me
2008-04-10 13:18:00
Hello…im new here..just want to start by saying that Im not feeling all that good today,Ive had better days..but maybe thats why im here…maybe I have bad days to remind me what good days are,maybe im just screwed up in the head…I guess the jury is still out on that one,  but regardless here I am,writing this when I could be doing something else like..flying a kite…or lying on the beach…..but stuff like that is for normal people…right??  I am normal arnt I?  Or maybe not..I cant decide today. Sometimes I like to play a normal person,sometimes I like to pretend that my life is good and full.Sometimes I dont care. When my head gets so full of stuff..its feels like I need to pour it out somewhere..but its trapped somehow..I cant get it out…I am so alone…the sky sure is beautiful today…I hope I can enjoy it.  Just another day in paradise.

Depression
2008-04-10 00:20:00
For as long as i can remember i have been unhappy. it seems like 1 thing after another comes into my life. my parents divore,death of friends,end of relationships,friends stabbing me in the back. when does it end and im happy again??
More About: Depression

And lift our glass to the ceiling
2008-04-09 22:45:00
I do feel more rested today, but am still very tired. I have been very irritated today as well as very sad. I don’t like it when I’m so irritated, but it should only last a day or so. It’s almost like I am not feeling anything, but still have remnants of sadness.. Weird. Today went the same as it did yesterday and the day before. It was the last day for math assessments.. I don’t really care- they’re easy.. Even for me. I wished I dreamt last night. Dreams take me to another world- I like that. I like going to another world.. And it all ends too soon! Ah, I like listening to music when I’m awake and I like dreaming when I’m asleep.. My dreams are just so.. Intense and frantic- I love it. Four unexpected tests today.. >_> Least that means very little homework- except in science, we did a lab after the test and I’ve still got some questions to answer. Hmm.. I was looking at this website that told you al these sleeping positions- h...
More About: Glass , Lift

Check-up
2008-04-08 23:44:00
Well, it's been a while since I came on, so I decided to update everyone on how I'm doin' because i'm bored tonight. Well, Excel is going great. I'm cut and beat free for about a month now (since the last incidents). I'm having issues with pulling the skin off around my nails until they bleed, but I'm slowly working on stopping that. I am also having some issues with picking at scars and scabs until they bleed and just wanting the sight of blood in general. I got my report card today and I made a new personal record of 7 100's (German, Life Ed, Excel, Music Class, Social Studies, Science, Strings). I'm pretty happy about it, but I still think I could do better in Algebra and English (98 and 94) so i'm upset about that. I think I'm finally starting to like someone at school and beginning to trust him. He doesn't know though, but I'm still afraid of letting myself get any farther for fear of getting hurt again. I kinda t...
More About: Check

My Story
2008-04-08 21:49:00
For many years now i have been in a loveless marriage. I am 36 and i deserve to be happy no matter what it takes. So finally after 18 years i decided to move out oct. last year. I was out on  my own for about 3 days and took him back due to the fact i was scared to make it on my own with my kids. Scared to death i wouldn't be able to feed them. Now not 3 weeks ago i kicked him out again i snapped….. I have to be happy. I feel sometimes i have an addiction to sex cause that's why i left. And now i'm so stressed out about everything i don't know what to do… i cry all the time and i can't control it anymore….
More About: Story , My Story

I do not want this
2008-04-07 20:37:00
I am a little lost. I seem to have guy trouble, and I am thinking about it twice on how I should have never got one. I think I made a mistake. I was doing fine without a boyfriend and now I feel that maybe I should have stayed single. I went without a relationship for a year and a half, and I was doing fine. But I guess this is what happens when you regret something, you wish you didn't have feelings. Life would be so much easier if I was a cold hearted person. Maybe this is a cry for help. 

we die young
2008-04-07 15:21:00
I did it. Either I smoke or cut. Apparently cutting my hair isn't enough. I cut my hair so that I do not cut myself. I can't help it sometimes. I need to know that I am alive, unfortunately it is always confirmed by some self destructive behavior.  
More About: Young

No sleep…again
2008-04-07 09:22:00
Darn it! I'm so tired of this same thing happening over and over again every single night.  Every time I try to go to sleep just when I'm starting to fall into deep sleep, my body twitches and I wake up.  It's really annoying.  I get so angry that I'm not even sleepy now.  I have tried everything from no caffeine, warm shower before bed, and even changing my eating habits.  Nothing works.  I have almost a month of school left till it's summer and I need as much sleep as possible to keep me at top condition when it's time for finals I won't be in a panicky mess.  Then if it's not the twitching its the nightmares that I can't remember most of them and the sweating and crying when I wake up.  I'm not hungry in the morning (feeling too sick to my stomach).  I have spent my sleepless nights doing hw and catching up on reading for classes.  I don't want my body to give out, because if ...
More About: Sleep

Symptoms of Influenza Flu
2008-04-07 05:08:00
Hi All,  I just wanted to inform you that an author Olivia Andrews has posted an interesting article on “Symptoms of Influenza Flu” at www.healthocrates.com  You can read the article at www.healthocrates.com/Symptoms-of-Influen za-Flu   Regards Robert

Mind Wipe?
2008-04-06 04:52:00
Of the things I hate most is that I started to forget about the people around me recently.  I look at them and I can't remember them.  I try to see their face and attach a name or something that reminded me of them and I come up with nothing.  It's like a total mind wipe.  It doesn't last long, but I'm scared when it comes out of nowhere and I don't know what to do. I don't want to scare anyone, but if I don't remember them I don't know why people are talking to me, then I realize they are friends and I calm down.  I know my mind is pretty messed up, but what if this is permanent?  I don't want to forget the people I have in my life right now.  I don't know what this is and I'm scared that I'll forget something really important or not remember how to do something. What more am I going to go through? And is it really worth it?
More About: Mind , Wipe

Do as I say, not as I do
2008-04-06 01:47:00
Let’s see- seven-six more weeks of school left? I never keep track though. Sewing is going alright. I’ve almost finished my pants.. I sewed them backwards. T_T Fixed them though.. Good as new, right? There isn’t a lot of exciting things going on in school right now. Seriously, nothing. I suppose it’s because it’s almost summer and things are ‘winding down.’ I’m just not used to things winding down.. XD My grandmother seems to think something is bothering me, so she wants to make an appointment for me with my old therapist. I think pretty highly of me- he is good at what he does, and I want to apologize for all the trouble I’ve caused him. I don’t really want to talk about my problems with him- just apologize and let him know what’s gone on these past few months. It’s supposed to rain for at least the next three days.. Gah..         ———-Heidi update——– Heidi...

dazed
2008-04-04 15:59:00
Huge head ache yesterday and I still have it. But it's but it's not as bad as yesterday. I was tired when watching a an indie film on Hugo Chavez.. I wanted to see it since Wednesday but when I was there I suddenly felt like a switch was on. I didn't know where I was and how I got there. I heard the movie but it was distant echoes. I don't know what it was I was just lost. The film was really good and I know I liked it because I am remembering how good it was and full of important ideas; at the same time I had no clue what was going on. As I am typing I know none of this makes sense, I just hope it isn't anything serious. 

Bittersweet
2008-04-04 10:38:00
Yesterday, I talked to my daughter.  I haven't talked to her in a long time.  Her father has custody and lives on the other side of the country.  I was so happy to talk to her, especially when I thought her father would never let us have contact.  It was so good to be able to tell her how much I still love her, and to know that she still loves me; even though I was a terrible mother when her father and I were still married.  I wasn't mean or anything like that.  Her father and I had a lot of problems and I withdrew because of it.  The daily fights made me not even want to be part of this world.  So, I withdrew and rejected life.  She was the one who was hurt by it. I hope we can continue to talk to each other.  I've missed her so much.  I wish I could take back all the time that I wasn't there.  She's growing up to be a wonderful person.  I'm amazed and grateful that she's forgiven ...
More About: Bittersweet

Dont really know
2008-04-04 05:01:00
i really dont know what to do…everything is his fault anyway… I hate him for it… for wanting to know more for being sucked into something that he will never understand… he wants to always know about my dreams and what goes on in them who the fuck cares they are my dreams why the hell does he want to know….I'm really angry right now…and the best part is I don't even know why I'm angry I just am… its my fault he moved so he shouldn't even be talking to me… his mother hates me so maybe I should do both of them a favor and just forget him and his quandary's about how I am or what I dream or how I'm feeling because lately I have been not wanting to feel anything… I just want him to forget everything, he doesn't deserve it so why should he know or even care about any of it…I hate it and I hate him… I have wasted his time and now he might go down a path that will inevitably lead ...

My Avatar :)
2008-04-03 11:52:00
Well, I tried uploading a photo to use as my avatar, but it turned out as a black spot.  I find it kind of amusing, though.  It's definitely original.  I think I'll leave it like that.   I'm making a little more progress on future plans; bringing them closer to the present.  I'm happy about that.  Still a lot to do before I can get started, though.  Little by little, I'm making progress.  I'm even not questioning my sanity the way I used to.    
More About: Avatar

Gomenasai
2008-04-02 18:41:00
I feel so sorry, so sorry for you. Sorry for what I've done to you. I cried, I tried, but I did not forget. We've been seperated, feels like forever, forever is too long. I can still feel you, even so far away. *tears*I wish we could've shared some more time together, walking in the fields and having fun… But then once again when Im alone in my bed crying I realise…..: "There has never been a 'you' whom I've spent my time with and laughed with. I was alone from the start.." Maybe I'm not supposed to exist. Maybe this is a waste. These last 15 years weren't worth living for, why would the rest of my life be different. People say things will change, turn for the better. But I don't feel I belong here. Only one solution Keep dreaming, Zandjil.

NYC
2008-04-02 04:51:00
in about 2 weeks i will be gone for 5 weeks working my ass off to get some moeny, when i get the moeny i will get myself a new laptop, i's going to be so cool, but heres the thing i have to make it, i have to make 5 weeks, most people go home with in 1 week cause the work is so hard. and when or if i do make it i will get around 1,000  that if i make it,  so please pray for me, so that i may make the whole 5 weeks

My Future?
2008-04-01 19:09:00
My job may be full-time as of next week.  That's a good thing.  There's still other things I want, but I think once I'm not so worried about money it'll be easier to pursue my goals.  Also, to figure out what it is that I really want to do.  Wants are a lot easier to figure out when you're not stressing over needs. I'm thinking that I may be ready to try dating again someday soon.  I thought I never would want to, but it seems I was wrong.  But I'm still holding off until I have everything (or at least heading toward) that I want for myself.  I'm not going to put myself in the position of giving up my happiness for someone else ever again.  You can't count on people to uphold their end of a deal.  It's sad, but it's the truth.  I still think that I want to work from home.  There are so many things that I could do, but I'm not making a final decision until I know that i...
More About: Future

Diminished sense of feelings
2008-04-01 00:49:00
I had been having really strong feelings for someone.  I didn't know what to do with these feelings so I began to panic.  Now all the feelings I have (save the anxiety) are pretty much numbness.  I still love this person.  I've grown into something much more human thanks to this person.  I'm always soooooooooooooo shy and quite to tell this person how I feel.   I'm just trying to enjoy the feelings of being close to this person and enjoy whatever time we had together. I tried to do that with everyone I happen to meet instead of panicking and wishing I had never opened my mouth.  It has worked well even with the people I already know.     I'm afraid that this numbness will take over and I won't be able to respond to my friends' gestures of kindness or to anyones.  I end up getting really sad when I can't respond to them, and eating unhealthy foods (chocolate).  I'm trying to work real...
More About: Sense , Feelings

Over and out of order
2008-03-31 15:24:00
I am so nervous. Earlier today, this morning I just couldn't sleep and I was having short breaths. I feel so out of order and a little lost. The feeling of not being able to sustain control. Very anxious, which is normal before a speech. But having my issues, I don't now how much of this anxiety is normal.  I want to have control over this but some of it is out of my hands. I get frustrated because I want to know that all that suppose to happen is going to happen, my speech is going to be alright and that all I have to do is work on my other homework. I can't help to feel like I am going to get a phone call from home, something bad. "Mom is in the hospital" or "Dad just had a stroke", it would definitely drop all my school work and ask for a ride home. I am being pessimistic and I don't blame myself for it, I have every reason to. 
More About: Order

If I could just Pull out
2008-03-29 18:55:00
2008-3- 29: Please, Pull out my plug. I've had enough. I can't take it anymore. Someone pull the trigger…

Walk-In?
2008-03-28 11:00:00
I'm going through a lot right now.  I'm still trying to figure out who I am.  Sometimes I get a glimmer of an idea, and then it fades.  I know there's a purpose for what I'm going through, but I still don't understand what it is. I'm experiencing a spiritual crisis and an identity crisis at the same time.  I'm trying to figure out who I am and what I believe.  This is a very frustrating and confusing place to be.  Until I figure out those two things, how am I supposed to figure out what I want to do?  I feel empty and broken.  I know that I'm being rebuilt and filled with something new, but I'm getting impatient.  Also scared, because I think that when I have all the answers that I'm looking for, it'll end up with something that was never a part of me before.  I guess this goes back to what I said when I first joined this site.  I've died and I'm being re-born.&nbs...
More About: Walk

Captain Jack
2008-03-28 01:48:00
Let’s see.. What is there to talk about today? It’s a little late.. Not really- but a little. I’m up writing essays. I’ve gotten about half of them finished.. Here’s a paragraph from my science essay that I find funny because I don’t know what the heck I’m talking about.. “The results support the hypothesis of adding water to strengthen the quality of topsoil. The more water added, the more the quality increased. The data shows that the topsoil is at it’s weakest point when it is completely dry. Of course, interfering variables include the temperature of the water and how quickly the water was poured. A way to correct the errors would be a simple timer and a plumbing system that only allows a certain degree of temperature to flow through it- eliminating the variety of different temperatures. With more moisture(water) involved, the topsoil should become more resistant to the average rain fall, therefore lessening erosion.”...
More About: Jack , Captain

at the heart of it all
2008-03-27 15:57:00
I feel like shit. I feel like I can't do anything. I am trying to get through the day but it seems like something is stopping me and all I can think of is me. The person that won't let me do anything. I guess it's the negative thing when I say that I am the on that is keeping myself back. I feel nervous. I feel like I am going to snap!
More About: Heart , The Heart

Fire at will
2008-03-26 20:45:00
{Spell check was not used.. You’ve been warned}    I haven’t made a journal entry in ages. I am almost ashamed of myself. Notice how I said almost. XP My spring break was just a break I suppose. I spent most of my times over at Heidi’s mother’s house, watching cops. My grandmother and I have this thing- it’s like a ritual that whenever I’m over, we always watch cops and America’s most wanted together- especially since she doesn’t have cable. On Wednesday and Thursday- I slept over at Erica’s house. I had a very good time, actually. We laughed more than I had laughed in two months in a 48 hour period. Now that is what I call progress. We spent a few hours over at her friend’s house one evening- where we played guitar hero and jumped on a trampoline.. Can you believe that? I haven’t felt like such a kid in a very long while. I haven’t acted like that in.. god- how many years? I’ve lost count.. Not like you would know though.. Hah. It was nice wh...
More About: Fire

Caught! Shit!
2008-03-26 18:56:00
I smoked today and I feel like people are watching me like I am too young to do it. I know this because one of my professors told me. She said I am too young to smoke. I didn't feel like arguing on such a depressing day, so I did not bother defending myself. Though I must say I don't recall saying something other than "No I'm not". I don't think I looked at her face. It was too bright out and I don't know why but I think it is very ironic that she was wearing blue. 
More About: Shit , Caught

Today was a rough day
2008-03-26 02:17:00
Today I am having many suicidal thoughts. We are getting ready to go to Florida and I should be excited but instead I am thinking like this. My husband is in charge of all of my meds and keeps them locked up so that I don't have access to them because I have thought of suicide many times before and my plan is to take an overdose. So normally I don't have access to any meds. However, we just got some prescriptions filled and my husband didn't have time to put them away before he went to work. I knew that they were there all day today and really had a hard time not grabbing the bottle. Why can't I look forward to the trip and not be thinking these kinds of thoughts. Any ideas?
More About: Today

Fet up
2008-03-25 23:18:00
He comes in my room stands there never says a word then walks out screaming F**King Computer what can I do he is no friend to me and I am looking for a friend to talk to. I need Support and he wont give it to me. I wish he would never come home at times. I can't take it no more.