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Acceleration
2008-02-25 16:19:00
I've had such an eventful weekend.  Mostly personal discoveries and epiphanies.  My head is so full of stuff right now, that I'm amazed I can even form a coherent sentence.  I have a feeling that this will be an interesting week. I've started writing entries on livejournal.  Also, looking at starting a blog on another website.  My book is slowly turning into a non-fiction as my story has been interrupted by thoughts and observations that are taking up my entire notebook that was for my story, but it felt like that was where the thoughts belonged. I think I might eventually start my own website based on Spirituality.  I'm not close to that point yet but that seems to be the direction in which I'm (involuntarily) going.  Like I said, it's been eventful lately.  I kind of feel as if recent events have been like a snowball getting bigger and bigger as it rolls.  It's a good thing, but I'm not sure if I...
More About: Acceleration

Low
2008-02-25 08:39:00
Right now, I am ready, I am ready to end my life… Never in my life have I felt so worthless in my life. I prayed today, that I wouldn't make it to work. But I did, and now, I can't stop crying. I have a hearing today, that I have to sit through, it isn't even supposed to be my job. But, I have to do it, with a smile on my face. For all of those I gave advice to, I am sorry. I can't function anymore, I can't do it anymore. In fact, I am thinking of some kind of emergency so that I can go home. Because, I can't be here today. I just can't do it. I am tired of never being able to smile, I am tired of crying, but I just can't stop. My life couldn't be any worse than it is right now. I want it to end, but, unfortunatly, I am too much of a chicken.

A Song…
2008-02-24 22:50:00
so today I broke…I am shattered and I cannot put myself back together I fell asleep at 7am and slept till 8 or so I sat in my shower with my blades just cutting my arms and my thighs…usually thats enough but today I just watched the blood and nothing I didnt feel a thing….no relief no change and that was just the beginning so I went on and on till I finally realized that the water was running red and I have cut deep slashes I feel it now I breathe and it feels lighter like a high…Im ok now for the moment Im lonely I get dressed and sit and stare at the wall music playing that i can barely hear and then i catch a phrase of this song and I realize it is me I am what the song is about and I cry till I cant breathe There is nothing to me you can explain me in a song and now I hear it over and over againmy mind is raceing and I just cant slow down what is wrong me when wil this stop!!!! medication doesnt work its a joke and Im tired of trying Im tired of this ...
More About: Song

I wonder…
2008-02-24 18:22:00
Anybody know what is it when you cry and cry and can't stop all the day and scream and don't want anything and roll down the floor and feel absolutely hopeless?

New changes are tiding me over.
2008-02-24 02:50:00
As the title says, new changes are tiding me over, meaning.. enabling me to deal with my problems, somewhat. I have a job as a bagger, soon to be cashier, at the grocery store. I bought a tamagotchi v4 that's amusing to play with. ^^  Unfortunately, my first paycheck was stolen by my mother who keeps lying to me. Claiming she needs money for a lawyer, for life insurance, to get her link card back, and other things that never happen! She also makes up stuff about my aunt and friends, which are lies as well, and pisses me off more than when she calls me a faggot, or tells me I'll get AIDs. But I know she's lying, I know she's taking money and doing crack - yet there's little I can do… and that's not even the worst part, trust me. But I don't need to talk about her, she doesn't understand me anyway and her mind is completely different - she's not my mom, she's a crackwhore.. Oh and yes, I realized, and admit - I'm Bise...

Good Day!
2008-02-22 19:43:00
I made it through an entire shift without messing up anyone's order!  I'm so happy.  No panic attacks today either.  Not really panic attacks, but today was the first day I didn't get completely flustered.  I still had energy when I came home, and my head wasn't pounding, and I wasn't feeling like a loser. I quit taking those pills because all they were doing was making me sleepy.  Sure, I needed them during the crisis to even me out, but now it's time to actually work on my issues.  Interestingly enough, I do better when I'm not in a relationship.  I'm happy and able to function day-to-day.   
More About: Good

11th day withouth ^^
2008-02-22 16:49:00
Seriolsly Allen Kar is a genious, at least about smoking (the book about loosing weight was a pile of bullshit and it's not just my opinion).  Even at the early stages my max was 3 days. In that stage less than 24 hours. But he accualy made my mind different about it. I'm not going perfectly by the plan, it's still hard but it's amazing enough for me. I just want to get out of this totally because then maybe i will feel different about other stuff too like food and everything but I will never never fall in this again. I caughed like crazy last few months and even quit a job because it started to get hard and all the money i've been waisting… Seriosly one of the motivations is that now I can get myself an Ice Cofee whenever I want and don't feel guilty about the money because I would've spend on siggaretes more anyway! And now I can remove one issue from my list!!  Hope they all get removed, Accualy I will keep it here a bit longer ...

brain
2008-02-22 16:30:00
it looks like i have neurological problem and it looks like like i have a brain problem, by what my mom tells me and by what i feel on the back of my head theres a bone sticking out of my head,  mom and i think that this is what is causing this thing in my brain it's like a flash light going on and off, but really fast and after my brain flash's on and off i lose memory for about 5,6 seconds some times i can't remember anything for about 20-30 seconds. i am going to see a doctor in a week or so. oh and there was pain in the back off my head where the bone is sticking out and i put my hand back there and there was a lot of blood back there.
More About: Brain

Whoa!
2008-02-21 23:46:00
I had my yearly review at work today. I found out that I came extremely close to getting fired over my depression beast. I cant beleive it. That is horrible. My boss told me I would just mope around and he would ask me to do something and I would get super defensive. I do not remember any of that at all! I guess I wouldnt even really great my patients, I would just say " Come on lets go". I am like whoa that is crazyness you know. He also said that if I would have told him "no" to getting help, he would have said "goodbye" that day. He said it was like night and day. That I am so much better now in only 2 months. Even better then when i first started work which was about 2 years ago! This is amazing. I look up to him so much and I just wish to keep making him happy. And making my self happy. I am so proud of myself.
More About: Whoa

Life gets much worse
2008-02-21 21:44:00
See, my so called "friend" is in Holland for Foreign Exchange.  Somehow she forgot about writing to me until I sent her an email on Myspace.  So she said she's my good friend and that i shoul;d write.   Here's the problem: i was really depressed one day, so i wrote               ;  "I am dead as all that i was before is dead."  same day i cut up my wrists. suppoesedly she got it on her b-day and got taken outof school for crying.  So now, i'm the bad person, bcuz she never truly realized or wanted to think that i might be really depressed and suicidal so she sent the email to all family and now everyone in school knows bcuz my other good freinds tell their exact words" she's trying to have fun and u send her an email about suicide."   well, yeah considering i am suicidal and she told me to write her if i was in trouble or ...
More About: Life

Work & School
2008-02-20 10:11:00
Work went well yesterday.  I actually got some decent training.  I'm going today to talk about enrolling in classes for therapeutic massage.  I'm a little nervous about the idea of going back to school, but I certainly don't want to spend the rest of my life in the food service industry.  It's so exhausting and thankless. My appointment was actually yesterday, but I called and rescheduled because I just didn't have the energy to drive halfway across the city on the Interstate and then fight mall traffic.  (The school is right across the street from the mall)  I don't know how I'm going to manage if I do enroll, but I have to do it.  I want to have a decent life.  
More About: Work , School

CUTS
2008-02-19 10:13:00
i cut up my arms really bad.  words carved into flesh  i told my siter about my bad neighbor who's been trying ot get me.  she told my dad and now he's turned in.  i feel really bad. pppl will find out and hate me or hurt me.  my brother got caught sneaking out and with possession.  my momis now threatening to leave us and take Jr.   ALL I CAN DO IS CUT AND CRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 
More About: Cuts

Leave in the sky colored pencils
2008-02-18 20:38:00
I spent my day with Heidi’s mother. It was alright for the most part. She sort of nagged me through the day to try something on that was colorful… Ha, ha. She asked me what I was doing to maintain such a ‘beautiful figure.’ ..What beautiful figure? I don’t have a beautiful figure.. -.- Really, though- every time I see her she tells me I’ve lost weight, which I haven’t. I’ve got a scale.. XD Even my friend’s father complimented on it one day.. I felt sort of bad though, since her family gives her crap about her weight all the time.   I got these cool pants.. Only to find that when I got them home, there was one of those plastic things still stuck on it.. So now we’ll need to take them back to the store to get it removed- if you removed it yourself, you’d ruin the pants and stain your skin because ink explodes once you break it.. Usually, anyway- if it didn’t, you’d just rip the material and that&rsquo...
More About: Leave

My findings
2008-02-18 16:02:00
Ok, I went without anime for about two weeks, and I have come to the conclusion, that is seems to be partially the problem. I noticed, that when I didn't watch it, I seemed to be more playful, a little less stressed, and my attitude seemed lighter. I am not saying that Anime IS the cause, but may be an underlying problem. I went to a new psychiatrist, and he said something that was very provacative. he asked me when was the last time I made a decision for myself, without asking others. Well, I couldn't think of one. It seems, that some of my problem about making decisions, is that I am afraid of what others will think. He also said "What is the big deal with making a wrong decision, it is not the end of the world"… He was right, what IS the big deal??? Shit happens, you know. Well, I am feeling a little more like myself, but I do have to stay on the pills so that I don't cry. That part, I can't seem to control yet. So, that was my findings, ...

Once Upon A Time, Happily Ever After
2008-02-18 10:23:00
I left work yesterday feeling really drained.  Everyone wants your attention at the same time, and it's so hard to pick and choose who first and then tell the others that they have to wait.  I'm a terrible waitress because I care too much about people's feelings and I start getting stressed-out.  Others tell me, "don't worry about it, they'll wait"  but I feel like I'm being mean when I don't get everyone who wants my attention.  But I can't be everywhere at one time.  I nearly panicked yesterday trying to keep up. I'm looking into schools for massage therapy now.  It's not what I really want to do, but it's a step closer than where I am now.  While I'm working on getting where I want to be, it's one-on-one, no crowds.  I don't do well in crowds at all.  I'm going to have to remind myself that this waitressing is just until I finish school.  Tha...
More About: Time , Happily Ever After

depression and more
2008-02-16 19:12:00
My name is Jamie Johnson and Im 25 years old. I have been living with depression for what seems to be a very long time. I am sick and tired of feeling this way, I dont even know what else to try. I am currently taking zoloft, an anti-depressant. It seems to be helping me a little but am still feeling down sometimes. I have been looking into alternative treatments, something to add on to what I am already doing. So now, with my therapy and medication..I also found out about certin stones that can help with mood and negative energy, I decided to try those as well. I now have been wearing my "healing bracelet", as I like to call it for 2 weeks. I can honestly say I feel a little better, I actually think this thing is helping. I now have been recommending them to other girls in my weekly depression group, because if it can help me, maybe it could help you. Im not saying that there magic or should take the place of medication or therapy, but every little bit helps, if you know ...
More About: Depression

Whoa..
2008-02-16 14:29:00
I have.. Rather disappointing news to share.. Heidi lied to the SRS workers and they are working with her.. Heidi has managed to get the court date delayed another month.. It is now supposedly taking place on March 25th. I almost feel over when I heard about that.. I was just like, “Wahh! Nooo!!” -.- ….Fantastic.. The only dream I remember last night.. Here it is.. I got on a plane and flew to a new place to live with my father and his wife. It was very cold and icy there.. They had a storage place they built on the ice where I’d be staying.. I think we were actually in Alaska. When I went to the schoolhouse, it was one room with about eight other students. The teacher was male, in his 40’s- 50’s and hated me because I was from a city.. He gave everyone this test that just happened to be math.. I didn’t know what the hell to do on it, so I sat there and wondered. The math test was something I has never seen before and looked like it didn’t even exist even.. I left t...
More About: Whoa

Whining- Poor Me (Whatever)
2008-02-16 11:35:00
I start my new job today.  I'm nervous.  I'm scared that there's going to be a bunch of psycho bi—-s there who will start hating on me my first day already.  I went to fill out my paperwork yesterday and saw two women standing there looking at me and whispering, so it already started.  It's not fair.  I have no control over what I look like.  What am I supposed to do, take a razor and shred my face to make myself ugly just so women who don't know me won't hate me?  (That might stop men from expecting me to be more "free-spirited and adventurous" than I actually am, too) I don't wear make-up.  I don't dress sexy.  I try to be a good person and considerate of other people.  All I ask is that people try to be considerate of me, too.  Is that so much? Anyway, gotta go to work.  
More About: Poor

Fresh air and roses
2008-02-15 17:08:00
Court is in six days.. Ahh!! No, I’m not exactly nervous about it.. Probably because I’m not going to go- but I could end up being thrown into a foster home.. Why am I not worried again? I know I had dreams last night. I know they were pleasant- I just can’t remember them. I mean, it wasn’t about some tornado destroying everything and taunting me.. And that’s what usually happens. Parent teacher conferences today… Heidi never goes. Not that I wanted her to anyway.. She would just try to make herself look good, but I have a very high suspicion that a lot of the teachers know about the night Heidi freaked out and tried to get me thrown into Marillac again.. That’s when the SRS ladies came to my school. So, that’s the only thing they know, but it’s still something. They’ve just been a bit more.. Circumspect around me lately. I tried on old clothes yesterday.. A lot of the pants were too big.. So, I’m washing them in h...
More About: Roses , Fresh

the Most Humiliating Day of My Life
2008-02-14 18:52:00
The appointment was horrible. I hated every second of it.I’ve never been so humiliated in my life. On top of being subjected to invasive questions, telling her how I feel and crying, she had me do a physical. The whole time we talked about my emotional health I was stark naked covered up with only a ridiculous paper vest / sheet. After we addressed the main reason I was there ( and incidentally, my acne) she told me that she didn’t want to give me any medicine because of the negative affect it’s been having on teens. I did as my father advised and asked her if we could try medicine and discontinue if I started feeling worse, but she rejected that idea and left to make me an appointment with a fucking psychiatrist. When she came back she checked my eyes, ears, listened to my back and heartbeat, felt me up ( which was scary), and listened to my stomach ( wtf?). When she was giving me my physical she said “March 10th isn’t soon enough is it?” And I s...
More About: Life , My Life

What a Day Already
2008-02-13 12:58:00
Ugh, I had the flu yesterday.  I'm still coughing and low on energy, but at least I'm not so horrendously cold like I was yesterday. Nephew being a butthead again this morning.  Screaming about door being slammed.  I didn't slam the door.  It's a metal storm door, it makes noise, I can't help it.  Took the dog for a walk this morning.  Completely wore me out because I'm still a little sick.  I'm supposed to start my new job this week.  Why does stuff like this happen?  Sometimes I feel like such a loser.  Like I can't get anything right.  I dreamt about my ex last night.  And about how broke I am now thanks to being a housewife for two years.  I'm never going to hand over control of my life to another person again. Now I just need to get back on my feet so I can be independent and not have to take anyone's b.s.

Ten chairs for one thing
2008-02-12 18:55:00
I really dislike gym… Worst part of the day. Volleyball isn’t really.. My idea of fun time. I always feel like I’m going to be like.. Attacked in gym or something. It’s odd. But, everything is. I didn’t have any dreams last night, but I sort of knew I wouldn’t. I just called Heidi and told her that I needed a doctors appointment.. She didn’t listen to a word I said. I could tell in her voice.. “Yeah.. Right, okay.. Sure.. Whatever.. Bye.” She’s such a teenager! ..Ha, ha. Wow. Hmm.. I had a dentist appointment today at noon. Heidi’s mother came and picked me up. She was supposed to be in Costa Rica right now, but came back early because.. Thing s just weren’t going well I guess.. I don’t know if the reason she told me is truthful, so I won’t carry the lies onto here. -.- I’m in pain now though..-.- I don’t like how dentists apply so much pressure to your teeth that you feel like they’ll fall out when you talk.. Or how dentists’ talk to you when they...
More About: Chairs

WTF with me
2008-02-12 15:12:00
Now I play games all the day. I don't like it very much. Just play to spend up all my time. I was just too bored thinking about anything, about the futre. I know the games are killing me, day-by-day. But I still play. I know that if I stop playing, my mind will become clear. But I still play… I cannot stop. I tried but couldn't. Whenever be free, I easily return to it… draining my health… Why don't I go out and get some friends somewhere… It's better… I know… o_O. WTF with me…?

All Dressed up and No Place to Go
2008-02-11 22:54:00
I get so tired of shallow people. The weekends come and I look forward to hanging out at my house just goofing off..sewing or napping or listening to music. I went out with a lady from work the other night and the scene played out like this…I put on jeans and hiking boots to “meet so-n-so for a drink” She takes me out to a dance club and asked too many nosey questions about my “curious” life as she ogles a man across the bar. (who turned out to be married)… Her breasts are nearly uncovered and I am embarassed. For her and for myself, I am sitting with her afterall. I am not enjoying the company nor the bar. But I sit nontheless, because I am new at work so I’ve been trying to make new friends and a good impression….Hmmm…by the time I got home I have a sickening headache from all the smoke and loud music, I realized…why was I was so worried about making a good impression on her? I don’t really care what she thinks...
More About: Place

Odds & Ends
2008-02-11 19:27:00
Well, I didn't get to clean the garage yesterday because it was too cold outside.  So I organized my beading supplies.  My book is at a standstill right now, I'm a little stuck.  I'm just taking myself away from it for a few days because if I stress out about it, it'll just make matters worse. I gave my cat a bath today, she's still mad.  It had to be done, though.  She was starting to smell like her litter box.  The dog has just climbed in my lap to tell me he wants to go for a walk.  My leg is sore now, he weighs 90lbs.  Somehow, I get the idea that he doesn't like it when I'm typing.  Sometimes he whines when I start typing. Things are actually calming down around here.  Oldest nephew not quite as grouchy anymore.  Youngest nephew back to being his eccentric self.  Sister feeling a little better since we rearranged some furniture.  Hopefully, I'll have a job starting tomorrow...
More About: Odds , Ends

Terrified of Change.
2008-02-11 06:35:00
I had to see a new counsellor last week. She told me that I had to change. But how am I supposed to change when this is all that I've ever known? The anxiety has been going on for so long I don't know HOW to change, or even WHAT to change!   I don't even know if I want to change. Something has to be different because once I get off the medication (200mg Luvox p/day) what's going to happen? I don't want to plummet like I did a few years ago.  I'm talking about anxiety and depression. I've been depressed since… well there's no time where i've ever felt safe from the evil sadness that seems to just come like BAM and doesn't let go.  I have awesome supportive friends but they were back there when I was suicidal, cutting etcetera. I know it's said to be stupid but there was no other option left open for me. I was too scared.  Yeah I'm a chicken. I'm scared of everything. I know that but thi...
More About: Change

Not Waving But Drowning
2008-02-10 20:25:00
I have a doctors appointment this Thursday. I’m terrified. I can’t think about it without feeling nauseated. I don’t want to feel like I’m at the psychiatrist. I’ve tried practicing what Im going to say, but I get so embarassed I usually end up in tears. I’m afraid that they are going to give me a pat on the back / a pep-talk and tell me that I’m just sensitive. I want to tell them my troubles like they are clinical symptoms, but they are such personal, and seemingly pathetic feelings that I feel like I sound whiny. I want to be my old self again, but I’m not sure its worth the humiliation.
More About: Waving

Worst memory
2008-02-10 19:26:00
I don't cut myself. I've tried and the scars are still there (they're quite small), but it didn't really help at all. People speak about feeling reliefed, so that's what I hoped for. But I didn't feel anything at all. A little pain, nothing more. I was quite comfortable with it but there wasn't any kind of satisfaction in it.  Anyway, the whole point in saying that was that today I really felt like slashing my wrists and then die from it. When i was in the bathroom i looked at the bathtub and thought "I will be lying there. The hot water will be mixed with my blood and I will slowly fade away. I think i will wear a t-shirt and underwear." I didn't go trought with it (obviously). I thought it was because my parents were home. That's allways my "excuse". I know, it sucks. But what is really the thing keeping me from realizing my plans then? Am i a coward? Do I really want to live?  One time when I felt like thi...
More About: Memory

*yawn*
2008-02-10 17:24:00
just to let you guys know…..iam still alive….but just bore and….well anyways

higher class now
2008-02-10 16:25:00
Well, on Friday I found out that I got upped into the highest class of them all (excel its called). it's a really hard class and now that i'm in it, i gotta do all these super long and hard projects, and it's really stressful cuz idk if i can do it without my cutting anymore. i mean, i just got in and 5 minutes later the teacher is like " now, i want you to write a 2-3 page essay on long term projects for ur first class on monday" i didn't even learn about those in study skills yet!! but, i'm also happy becuz now i get out of my old study skills class, the teacher is really godly and "the world is perfect", which i know not to be true, and i despise her for it. i also hate her becuz it was to easy and my grades were getting lower becuz i wasn't paying attention. plus, she makes you read for like ever and that gives me headaches beyond crazy, so i hate her for that as well. but, i'm learning to just ignore the pain, or just hit t...
More About: Class , Higher