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health and drugs
2008-03-25 09:27:00
if there is anyone who is in medical…who may really know….i would like staright answers…what does smoking coke do to your barin and lungs, liver, kidneys….i just cannot get staright information.  is a year considered long term?  what are the damages done during a year of heavily smoking coke…i will not get into the heroin…because i know.  i just wonder…all of that crap in the pipe…all of that bake…the oil…does that stay in the lungs and sits for years and years…maybe one day causing caner or something…does it ever get out and your lungs get clean??  is there brain damage everytime cocaine hits the brain??  i am serious and very worried.  i wonder why i have so much kidney pain after smoking for a day and a night or so….??  thanks for any medically substaniated information
More About: Health , Drugs

baby steps
2008-03-25 09:19:00
after many months of fighting and slipping and then get a foothold….yesterday was a nightmare…the damn broke and i couldnt face the day or the night…as i was sitting there in the evening after several weeks of a binge….i went to my first NA meeting.  i just couldnt face the night or the guilt or the hopelessness alone….it was killing me…internally empty….just wanted to get high to prolong the arrival of the pain and guilt.  called family…they said…i hadnt fooled anyone…they knew i wasnt well…shit, it just didnt work out like i had planned or wanted.  the drugs are so powerful…it is somehow combined with my psyche…its a twisted..self-hatred…evil.  so, i walked in and i never experienced anything like that.  my girlfriend says "i dont understand"…..well…the se people understood.  they know.  it helped me.  i am withdrawing pre...
More About: Baby , Steps

um… trust issues and ect.
2008-03-24 20:04:00
damn this font is tiny… anyway i gota question for you guys ( and girls). when can you TRULY trust someone. i know this is kind of sketchy for a question but at home i cant even trust my dad cus hes tried to kill me b4 but thats another story. at scholl my friends use me so can i trust them wit anything? i can trust you guys cus… well… damn. i know i can trust you guys bcus the ppl that i do know have flaws that are messed up and dark. not sayn bad stuff but they dont " accept" the thought of compassion for others. how can i tell when a person is trustable? first blog ever. sorry if this is… pushin any one of u. hope to( hope? hahahaha irony)(?) get replies. sorry if i seem stupid. oh ya! i say sorry ALOT TO EVERYONE even when its not my fualt. thats not right, right?:…………&h ellip;……..
More About: Issues , Trust

No More B.S.
2008-03-22 10:31:00
I have to find another job.  The one I have, I'll never be able to make a living at.  It's frustrating.  So the search starts again.  It was good to get this one to build up my confidence, but there's just no money in it.  I'm not greedy, but I do want to feed, house and clothe myself.  (and have at least some comfort, okay I want a lot of comfort)  I deserve that much.  It will happen.  I don't know how yet, but I just know that it will. If I'm going to drag myself out of bed every morning, I will find a way to make it worth it to me.  If my energy is going to be drained every single day, I will find a way to make it worth it to me.  I'm so tired of kissing @** and getting nothing for it.  I should not have to depend on my sister at the age of 34.  This is ridiculous.  Something will change.  I will have the things I want, and they will be mine.  Not given to me by som...

well
2008-03-21 02:41:00
Doing alright today although I have been on the verge of tears off and on…I dont know why just emotional today…I don't like those kinds of feelings it irritates me to no end. Someone talked to me today and it made me feel loads better…I really like that person and I am glad that they are doing better and are in a better place. I also feel that I am becoming even closer to that person even though they are far away… I really do consider them like a brother. I will be as patient as I can and I will even be more patient beyond that because I'm not very good at being patient. I found out that that person is also having dreams somewhat similar to my own and to hear that really makes me happy to hear. We don't really understand ourselves until we understand what others around us think or feel about us, does it matter what they think…maybe…My throat still hurts horribly…the earth is really pretty from space…One day I kno...

More changes.
2008-03-20 21:34:00
Had to quit my job unfortunately, I could not deal with the stress of living with my crack-addicted, money-taking, videogame/console-stealing mother. So I moved in with my aunt and quit my job, my mother took off with most of my paychecks… but supposedly my grandmother will pay me back with a check. =/ Although it's not really her fault. In any case my problem bothers me as usual, my gender dysphoria. But… I have a psychologist now. Tamrah was a social worker who was helping my younger brother Mason,  because he was nervous/anxious/shy, and now she's helping me by visiting once a week.  Mostly talking and planning. I know I still need tons of money to achieve my goal… but I want to get a job in the area, this time I won't mess up or fall back. I hope.  Umm that's about it. I've been playing with my V4 Tamagotchi, Suikoden Tactics for ps2, The Sims on my cousin's computer, and doing housework lately.. mostly been bored...

book, book, book
2008-03-20 18:41:00
Went to check out the school, and now I'm back to square one.  I wasn't impressed.  I think I was just using the idea as a distraction from the book because I still don't have enough faith in myself.  I think some of the things going on are necessary, but I also think I've been involved in avoidance.  I don't like having to admit that.  
More About: Book

Eating my feelings…again
2008-03-19 23:15:00
I'm off for Spring Break and all I'm doing is sleeping and eating my feelings.  I think I gained all the weight I lost and then some.  I'm trying to go back to how I was before, hard working, organized, and goal driven.  I feel horrible.  I'm not like that anymore and I'm failing classes and it's not even the middle of the semester.  I keep failing because I feel like everything is hopeless.  I feel that whatever I do is going to fail and that I'm never good enough because of who I am.  I try to be positive and cheerful; I can be for others and I truly am for them, but not for me.   Everything is creeping up on me again.  All the voices, the images, and nightmares.  I'm hiding in my blanket cave again, because I'm too afraid to come out and deal with the world in front of me.  I watched 3 minutes of the news yesterday and I was almost in a panic. I'm  so  terrified of w...
More About: Feelings , Eating

Wat I am
2008-03-19 12:32:00
I know that to most of you, im a total stranger. Honestly, i don't even know myself. I live my life to help others, and no, that isnt emo, and it isnt depression, its called devotion, compassion, empathy. I love all of my friends with all of my heart. but when it comes to love, there seems to be little left for me. I am not the type to abandon people, and i admit, i do cling a bit, but when your mother and all of your friends leave you when you need them most, after you have given everything to make them happy. I'm sure by now, most of you either believe that i am just some emo, am morbidly depressed, or think im some kid with normal problems and just add drama to everything. If i do, then i am sorry, but i take care and watch over everyone who has no one. I know, im digging my own grave, but isnt it the dead who are supposed to bury the dead? i offer all of you the gift of brotherly love and hope for all who ask.

School
2008-03-19 07:48:00
I'm up early again this morning.  The dog put his nose in my face just before 5AM.  I know, not that early for most people, but I work evenings.  I have an appointment to go check out a school today.  I want to make sure I like it before I enroll.  Meet the instructors if I can, because these are the people that I'll have to deal with while I'm learning.  That is one of the benefits of a trade school.  They're smaller, with smaller classes and a better chance of seeing the humanity of the instructors beforehand.  I like to know what I'm getting into. When I was on the phone, the admissions person asked me which course I was interested in.  I thought all they offered was therapeutic massage.  I'm going to have to find out what else they offer.  There may be something closer to what I ultimately want.  That way I don't find out about it when it's too late and then find myself wishing t...
More About: School

still cant sleep…
2008-03-19 05:34:00
sleep evades me and my mind seems to hasten… I am aware that all the world is sleeping…everyone but me….my mind is flowing thoughts raceing…this thing or that over and over again… not one thought but hundreds all at once… i cannot focus…i cannot slow the maddness that lives inside my head…. a highway flowing and turning…forever it remains my life…. calm…i dont remember… serenity…ive never known it… peace of mind…an illusion…yet to be mastered…..I sit and i contimplate alone in the quiet room but still thought af strange things still race through my head…its almost as if my mind believes its dreaming and my body is awake,,just being….just running and running and my body just stuck in that so called rut..that one place it cant seem to leave… I want to make it leave but i cannot i try again and again…and so i think that if i were to calm my ...
More About: Sleep

People..
2008-03-18 21:49:00
I worked on a new piece of art today…Not really sure how well it is or if it is going to work… usually when I have dreams about Ω I work on art similar to the one that I did… It has a lot of feeling in it, a lot of my will…  I really like how it came out now all I have to do is wait for the out come, that is the hard part waiting… I'm not the best at being patient.  There are people around me again that are trying to hide in falsehoods… they act friendly and invite me over to talk but I know what they want from me and it isn't friendship… I have walked down that road far to many times and well I'm done with being hurt by people who just don't care.  I am learning to be happy for myself, for me that is not such an easy thing… I am still learning that I deserve happiness, I am learning that this world is full of a lot of selfish people and for me not to be one of them is a hard thing to do...
More About: People

Dreams
2008-03-18 15:54:00
So I have been having this dream lately and it has really been shaking me up a lot… I mean I don't often get nightmares that frighten me but this one does…kind of…  I am working on something that will help me with it…A picture, a curse…whatever it is it always seems to help me… the drawings that I do… I call them gifts from Omega but I'm sure thats not what they are.  Sometimes I get ill shortly after I do the drawings but I don't think thats the point of them I think its more along the lines of getting all of the ill will out of me…maybe the ill will is Omegas poison infecting me with fear and loss of hope… I have been kind of lonely lately I'm sure that isn't helping but I will do alright…I have been writing a lot too…thinking about about all of the things that I have done reflecting on everything that I have done…I do not regret any of it because there is nothing...
More About: Dreams

Back To School
2008-03-17 10:33:00
I think I'm going to call the therapeutic massage school today and make an appointment for a tour.  Then decide if I want to enroll.  I worked a tension knot out of my friend's shoulder the other day.  (She had recently been run over by a car, but she's okay.  Sprained ankle and a lot of muscle stiffness)  I had talked to people at work about possibly going to school for this, after I helped my friend they were all volunteering to let me practice on them if I went to school.   Still a little scared of the idea, but it's something I'm good at.  It would likely be a step toward where I want to be.
More About: School , Back , Back to School

It starts again
2008-03-16 03:50:00
This is an on going battle with me, but lately it's been getting worse.  I start to see things that aren't there,  I hear whispers, and I started to be a little suspicious again.  My twitching is also becoming a bit of a problem because I no longer know what is causing it.  My psy. dr. lowered my meds. so that twitching wouldn't happen, but it still continues.  Very recently I've been hearing my familiar voice and I don't know how to ignore it.  I really don't mind this voice, but I know this voice is very powerful.   All this is so confusing.  I know that not sleeping is something that I shouldn't do, but the nightmares I'm having are pretty miserable.  I wake up crying, and sweating, almost screaming because I don't want those things to happen again or happen at all. Either I sleep for too long or I keep waking up.  I'm so nervous about sleep and about my waking life too.  I h...

Who Let the Dawgs Out? (I know, I borrowed the title)
2008-03-14 20:12:00
I'm feeling some minor attraction to someone new lately.  I'm leaving it alone, though because I know these feelings are only rebound-based.  I'm not ready, and if it turned out that he liked me, it wouldn't be fair to him. I would like to find someone someday.  I'd have to figure out what I really want, though.  All I've got on that so far is that he has to be spiritual, but not religious.  I know a whole lot about what I don't want: He can't be a musician, or a biker, or involved in any kind of lifestyle that favors wild parties.  That kind of environment is not conducive to a healthy relationship.  It's not even remotely conducive to trust.  Speaking of trust, why is it that the most notorious hell-raisers are the quickest to demand trust that they haven't earned?  Just something I found interesting.  The common litany is "I haven't given you any reason not to trust...
More About: Title

Feeling strange
2008-03-14 16:56:00
I've been feeling strange for a while now.  I don't know how to snap out of it.  I feel so sleepy and yet I get sleep.  I wake up and feel exhausted even more than when I fell asleep.  I tired eating better, but still not hungry.  I don't mind it much.  I just get dizzy spells and I have to eat right after (that's how I know I haven't eaten).  I feel like I'm not me.  Like someone has taken over the parts that make up this human being and I exist outside of this body.  At least I'm a little more talkative than usual.    
More About: Strange , Feeling

iam gay!
2008-03-13 21:51:00
i think iam gay,because in my science class . this girl and me sat next to each other.her elbow and mine kept tounching and it felt good to me. i felt my heart start to beep fast,and it felt good when this girl kept her elbow there. after that i really think iam gay. i think i have feelings for this girl also. but iam not telling anybody that,because this hates gays,and she will just break my heart in the process. i think iam going to tell everybody iam gay in high school. instead of middle school,but my mom and dad are going to hate me,and maybe kick me out of the house.

Half Asleep & Rambling
2008-03-13 07:16:00
I was awakened from a sound sleep at 4:30 by the dog growling at the cat.  He only growls when he's been startled out of a sound sleep, so I'd sure like to know what happened.  That's one mystery that will probably never be solved.  I got up because once I've been awakened at any time past 3:00, if I go back to sleep I'll sleep half the day. The upside is, I get to watch Angel.  One of my favorite shows that they only run at 5 & 6AM.  I've seen the entire series several times and I still get into it.  Same with Charmed.  I know, cheesy shows but I still like them.  
More About: Rambling , Half

Healthocrates - Our Mission
2008-03-12 04:32:00
Healthocrates was created by  physicians approximately one year ago to develop a healthcare website that is easy touse and navigate, easy to read by both physicians, scientists and the general public and free to everyone. Our vision is to develop a wiki-based health care website, where everyone can enjoy, become members, and contribute new original articles or improve or update exisiting articles.  The world has a diverse and educated population of physicians,  scientists, and other health professionals who have not had the opportunity, up until now, to contribute to a current, universally accessible website devoted to health and wellness. There are physicians and scientists everywhere who help care for patients who have interesting and sometimes complex case histories who would like to present this information to other health professionals around the world without having to wait months  to have this information published in journals. Physicians and the public m...
More About: Mission

would?
2008-03-11 16:45:00
He doesn't understand that it isn't my fault. He stinks I can control my mood swings and thoughts, but I can't. I love him very much and I've been a coward to tell him that. I don't know how many relationships I've had that did get ruined because no guy or girl wants to be with a girl that is "crazy". I just want someone who will be with me through thick and thin. But I know what a lot of you would say. I am only 19 and I got the future ahead of me, knowing me and my condition as of now, there is not one. I'll be lucky if I make to 30 years old. I've always said that, even when I was in high school. A good friend of mine said, when we were 14, "I wont make it till 16". It sounded really stupid considering all the factors in her situation, she had nothing, just the occasional absurdities that an average 14 year old goes through. Maybe people can stop blaming my age right now and focus on my real problem. Right now, I have a ...

::.sigh.::
2008-03-10 18:16:00
I really hate it when people I normally talk to all the time are online and when I go to talk to them, they hardly talk back. It makes me feel really ignored and rejected.   Maybe I'm overreacting a little, but I hate being left alone and right now, I'm alone. It's hurting me really badly and I can't deal with it.  I just…feel like I'm losing my friends…And  thinking that is hard…They're really all I have… ::.sigh.:: I hate this… 
More About: Sigh

i want my life to end.
2008-03-10 14:46:00
i don't know why but i am really sad, i don't know why but i am. i think it's cause i have very few friedns that i can talk to meaning they are in front of me where i can see them. my life sucks i what my life to end.
More About: Life , My Life

Ummm……
2008-03-09 18:56:00
It's been a pretty good day.  I made it through the workday smoothly.  I've figured out what I want to go to school for and do for a career.  (My book may not get published, and even if it does it may not sell that well.  So I have to do something else as well)  I'm going to find a school for therapeutic massage.  I'm feeling a little scared of the idea, because I'm not really a "people person" but I do like to help others.  What a weird combination in one person.  I must be the most paradoxical person I know.  I have personal space issues, but if someone is in pain, I feel compelled to do something about it.  I just don't know what to think of myself sometimes. I still don't feel inclined to even look at anyone romantically right now.  Someday, I'll probably want to try again; but I don't see it anytime soon. 

Im still sick but feeling better
2008-03-09 16:23:00
Well Im still getting over a sore throat from having salmonella poisoining.  I am doing and feeling a lot better now Im still having troubles with sleep though.  I dont sleep much I think its because I worry to much or think to much.  But there is always too much that I need to do or take care of.  I kind of have a headache at the moment but Im sure it will go away after awhile…they typically do Im still trying to decide what to do for dinner/lunch tonight… Im thinking about having some soup but I dont know yet. I am also a bit worried about a friend that I havent heard from im like a week.  He usually talks to me by now.  He must be busy…he will talk to me when he finds time or the ability to, so I will try not to worry. 
More About: Sick , Feeling

Rough Morning
2008-03-07 13:13:00
Everything seems to irritate me today.  I understand that it's because I'm still dealing with the pain of loss (the pain that I had sucked-up for the last three months)  I'm trying to move on, but I feel like it should have happened already.  I'm angry because I'm alone after he had promised I wouldn't be.  I'm angry because I no longer have any hope of ever having a successful relationship.  I'm angry with him because he denied me that hope.  I'm angry with myself for not being satisfied with what everyone else in the world seems to think is "enough" and "normal".  I hate to admit it, but I'm also angry with my newly widowed sister for minimizing my pain by saying she'd rather go through what I'm going through.  At least she got to know what it felt like to be truly loved.  Something I will probably never experience.  I'm also angry with myself for...
More About: Morning

Yeah, I Love You Too…
2008-03-06 11:54:00
Hey, I’m really kinda happy that I can actually send messages and stuff now on hopecube… But like, I had to make a new profile. I still don’t know what was wrong with the other one, but the messaging was messed up. But now it should work, so you can send me lots of messages. I’m going to Washington D.C. on the 23rd and I’ll be there all week through the 29th. It is going to be so effing awesome. So yeah. I’ll be gone for that week. But I still love you guys. I’ll send you even more messages when I get back. I actually feel like I fit in. That stupid guy and his mom are still giving me crap. But I’ll get over it. What do they do to people that say they’re gonna do stuff? That stupid idiot. Okay… I don’t know if anybody actually reads these blogs, but if you do, I seriously need some help. Okay, so anyway, my ex girlfriend wants to dump her current boyfriend to go out with me again, and I have feelings for her still. ...
More About: Love , I Love You , Yeah

Screw it all.
2008-03-06 11:53:00
You ever been depressed? Sure you have. We all have, but I mean like really depressed, like kill yourself depressed, like f- it all I’m gonna blow my effing brains all over my effing ceiling kind of depressed. I seriously doubt it. It’s kind of like the way that I cannot stand those optimistic people, who are like always giving you false hope and stuff about things that are never going to happen ever. There are people who see the glass as half full, those who see it as half empty, and those who see it as shattered into a million little sharp pieces that cut your skin until you’re writhing in bloody agony on your floor. What do you call that?   Shawn   Currently listening to- “Welcome To The Black Parade” –My Chemical Romance 7:14PM
More About: Screw

I’m not so sure I can handle it…
2008-03-05 18:40:00
I don’t know. I keep getting it. My life feels like it’s turning completely upside down. I’ve been bad thought free for a few days, and they’re coming back, and I expected that they would, but they’re really bad. I’m not like on drugs or anything like that, but like I’m just sitting in class thinking about how terrible the world is. Everybody’s like ‘what’s wrong,’ and I can’t answer them because it’s stupid and I can’t talk to people. So I put on my happy face and tell them that everything’s okay. It’s getting really bad, even my grades are affected, and my teachers started noticing. They suggested that I go see a counselor, and this isn’t one teacher that says it, it’s like all my teachers. I put on my happy face again and tell them that I’m all right. It’s hard not to go back to cutting myself, and I still have the razor under my pillow, you know, just habit. My...
More About: Handle

Just a Rant
2008-03-05 17:34:00
I was reading my e-mail today and received a request to sign a petition.  (I'm a member of the Care2 Network, so I receive a lot of them)  I enjoy signing petitions for causes in which I believe because I'm pretty powerless in this world and it's one way in which I can have my say. This petition request, however, annoyed me.  I read it and was prepared to sign until I reached the last paragraph in which they offered to enter my name in a drawing for some possible reward.  After I saw that, the petition was deleted without any action taken.  I was just so insulted!  To think that they would stoop to try to appeal to my sense of greed to get me to do the right thing!  Mind you, I'm not without some greed, but issues that matter are not the place for it.  If something is the right thing to do, I'm going to do it; not for some "reward", but because it's the right thing to do.  I'm just so aggrava...
More About: Rant