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Bullying
2008-03-05 16:15:00
so I feel like crying 24/7.  I mean lil things make me happy but also hurt me.  My school mates have been abusing me since day 1 and now i can't stand it.  I saids i would hurt a guy so the school searched my locker.  they found all my poetry about suicide, abuse, and rape.  So i had to get a psych evalutuaon.  i'm just manically depressed!  it doesn't matetr bcuz ppl say they r goin to get me expelled.  i'm screwed cuz everyone only hears 1 side of the story so ppl think i'm crazy. so some ppl think im crazy bcuz they can't beleive their kids would tell me to kill myslef and treat me like shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!  so now i have to get out of my classes so others won't hurt me.  they all say i hate them, but i never did anythign as bad as what they do to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Why do they hate me so much???????????????????
More About: Bullying

Problems
2008-03-03 22:23:00
Well, I have to admit, i'm having some problems keeping my self injury under control. T.T I've been hitting a lot lately and I almost cut tonight, but stopped myself right before i did and threw the razor away. I've been hitting for a few days and already when I hit I lose feeling/control of my left arm for a few minutes and it's black and blue, but I'm hoping that this is just a phase. *sweat!* I've been having a lot of stress with Excel and I have a major amount of projects going on and I think I'm getting too overwhelmed. Plus, I'm being really hard on myself lately and always pumping negative comments into my head. It seems that I never concentrate because anytime I get a paper back and its not a 100%, i go to the bathroom just so I can hit a little and get back at myself for how stupid I am. I know its irrational to make such a big deal out of maybe just getting 1 wrong, but i can't help, it gets me soooo depressed! i think i'm ...
More About: Problems

GAAAAAAAH!
2008-03-02 09:30:00
I've hit another brick wall in my life.  It happens frequently.  I start out with a plan and a direction, I follow it and BAM! I'm knocked down by uncertainty and fear.  The trouble is, I have so many questions in my mind all the time and it seems as if the answers only lead to more questions.  Sometimes I envy "normal people" who never seem to think about anything.  I'm not saying that I'd like to be like that, it's just not who I am.  But it does seem like an easier life with a greater sense of freedom.  I'm always second-guessing myself.  It's not so much self-doubt, but an intense need to be absolutely certain beyond any questions or doubts.  I'm beginning to think that's a state that doesn't exist.  If it doesn't, then how does one ever really know that they're right or wrong?  Wrongness is unacceptable because being wrong and going forward anyway ...

dream girl part 2
2008-02-29 22:48:00
i learned today that the girl i dreamnt have alot in common. i don't what that means ,oh well,i still haven't figure if iam gay or not. still trying to figure that out. oh yeah i think yaoi is great. if you don't know what that means,it's boyxboy realtionship. everybody at my school hates it.
More About: Girl , Dream , Part

And they say it goes away with age
2008-02-29 21:22:00
{warning- no spell check was used on this.. You may need a translator) Sorry I haven’t posted in a while.. I have a tendency to lack motivation. In gym, we’re still doing volleyball. It’s torturous. My team was sitting out, not even played because we have six teams and two nets so two teams will sit out while the others play and all that. Even there I’m not safe. I keep feeling like I’m going to get hit by the volleyball.. -.- I was sitting there, watching the other people play, making sure they didn’t hit it over towards where I was.. And they did. ..That was scary. Really, it was! I just pulled my legs up close to me and put my hands over my head and was just like, ‘ahh!!’ We had to get partners, so naturally- I was the only one without one. Doesn’t bother me as much as you think it would. Anyway, this one guy really wanted me on his team for some reason and he kept telling his team captain to pick me.. Hah. He didn’t know my name. “Pick the girl without a p...

My Mother is Having an Affair
2008-02-29 20:59:00
I could honestly kill her tonight. I heard her taking on the phone with someone, as she always does when dad isn’t home. I was in the living room watching tv, and she was in her bedroom. I got up, went to the kitchen to make popcorn, and when I came back their topic of discussion had changed. She was making loud sexual sounds and talking to them at the same time. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I started gagging. I’m so angry I can barely see straight. I’m shaking and crying with rage. I figured she was flirting with her online friends, sure, but god. I never thought she was capable of this. I don’t know what to do. I want to kill myself. I want to run away. I want to tell dad. Holy shit, how am I going to look them in the face ever again? I can’t believe this happened. I can’t tell dad.   I just heard mom walking around the house so I got up and locked my door. Dad should be home any minute from work. He works his head off ...
More About: Mother , Affair

Harassment Result
2008-02-29 20:59:00
Well, I talked to my friend about the harassment issue a few weeks back, so I'm telling you how it's going now. He said that he didn't realize it was making me so uncomfortable and that he thought I was okay with it. Well, obviously not right? So, he said he was sorry and that he would tone it down a bit. It's not that bad anymore, he doesn't say anything bad anymore and he doesn't do inappropriate actions, so I guess it's much better, but he still follows me around. But now I've got another problem, another boy whose not exactly my friend, but I talk to him out of pity because he's new and has no friends, has been all over me lately. He was so bad around me, that my homeroom teacher told him to "Give her space to breathe!" during class a few days ago. She also told me that it's okay to tell him to get away from me, but I think i'm too scared because the reason he moved was because he flipped out on some kids at his ol...
More About: Harassment , Result

an old friend
2008-02-29 10:52:00
it was a casual meeting..nothing special…hadnt seen these friends in a while….im ok, been ok for a while.  you dont mind if we light up a bit?  go ahead, ive beaten that…ill just chill.  the vapors(smell) was like an old friend i hadn’t seen in a while.  the old friend says, ive missed you, im not as bad as you had thought…you let me go, you can do it again…you are in control.  soon i was an hour late for work, then 4, then i returned home the next day…no money, no work…..crushed.  at this point i realised extremely drastic measures must be taken….i turned myself in. i actually stood there and confessed to supervisor”im an addict”… it is either death and devastation or absolutley knowing i am not hidden and my demons are not stalking me alone.  i gave numbers and instructions to everyone near me.  “help me”…if you suspect i am no...
More About: Friend

i found out
2008-02-28 19:37:00
yesterday i found out that i have Autism. and i have it big, i what to know as much about Autism as possible. i am so scared.please help me out.  

Silly Girl
2008-02-28 12:00:00
I’ve stopped taking those stupid pills.  I’ve been off them for about two weeks.  I can think again.  They did help when the crisis was there though. I’m finally over my ex.  I wish him well and feel sorry for the next girl who falls for him.  When we first got together, the fact that he had been divorced four times should have been a clue.  *laughs at self*  Hopefully, other women are smarter than I was.  My goal now is to be able to remove all my issues from my list.  Wouldn’t it be wonderful to have no issues?  I wonder if there’s anyone like that?  To think that life is good all the time.  Never worrying, never being sad, just floating along and conquering everything that comes along without drama and pain.  Hey, a girl can dream, right?
More About: Girl , Silly

My story
2008-02-28 10:53:00
Hi all. I'm new to hopecube.I decided to join this in hope to share w/others of what I've been through.It's good to know you're not alone. I was molested as a child,by a family friend.He would touch my privates and get me to perform oral sex on him.I was about 5 yrs old.He would tell me that his penis was a lollipop.This man still visits my grandma's house and sits to have coffee and conversation with her.When he sees me he says Hi and I can't help but think does he even know that he screwed up my life?Does he know that I rem all the disgusting things he did while I was a young child? I had told my mom and she had confronted him.My grandmother told her that if she believed me cause young kids really don't tell the truth.Nothing more was ever done. I grew up a single child and my mom a single mother.WHen I was about 8 years old I remember going to a family members house where my cousin and I would be in the room watching tv and me trying to se...
More About: Story , My Story

****
2008-02-28 02:55:00
I was feeling really crappy and suicidal today, I swear I wanted to trow myself down a flight of stairs but I decided I didn't want to end in a "splat" or end up managing to survive it and hate myself forever. My sister didn't help at all, ever since 10:40 I've wanted to give her a huge ass knuckle sandwich. My left wrist has been hurting for the past month or so, I haven't been able to do much cause of the pain and thats also bringing me down a lot, I threw myself a few times to a wall, made me feel a tad better, also some light cuts in my arms, but this week has been a real bitch leaving me with few resorts.

Acceleration
2008-02-25 16:19:00
I've had such an eventful weekend.  Mostly personal discoveries and epiphanies.  My head is so full of stuff right now, that I'm amazed I can even form a coherent sentence.  I have a feeling that this will be an interesting week. I've started writing entries on livejournal.  Also, looking at starting a blog on another website.  My book is slowly turning into a non-fiction as my story has been interrupted by thoughts and observations that are taking up my entire notebook that was for my story, but it felt like that was where the thoughts belonged. I think I might eventually start my own website based on Spirituality.  I'm not close to that point yet but that seems to be the direction in which I'm (involuntarily) going.  Like I said, it's been eventful lately.  I kind of feel as if recent events have been like a snowball getting bigger and bigger as it rolls.  It's a good thing, but I'm not sure if I...
More About: Acceleration

Low
2008-02-25 08:39:00
Right now, I am ready, I am ready to end my life… Never in my life have I felt so worthless in my life. I prayed today, that I wouldn't make it to work. But I did, and now, I can't stop crying. I have a hearing today, that I have to sit through, it isn't even supposed to be my job. But, I have to do it, with a smile on my face. For all of those I gave advice to, I am sorry. I can't function anymore, I can't do it anymore. In fact, I am thinking of some kind of emergency so that I can go home. Because, I can't be here today. I just can't do it. I am tired of never being able to smile, I am tired of crying, but I just can't stop. My life couldn't be any worse than it is right now. I want it to end, but, unfortunatly, I am too much of a chicken.

A Song…
2008-02-24 22:50:00
so today I broke…I am shattered and I cannot put myself back together I fell asleep at 7am and slept till 8 or so I sat in my shower with my blades just cutting my arms and my thighs…usually thats enough but today I just watched the blood and nothing I didnt feel a thing….no relief no change and that was just the beginning so I went on and on till I finally realized that the water was running red and I have cut deep slashes I feel it now I breathe and it feels lighter like a high…Im ok now for the moment Im lonely I get dressed and sit and stare at the wall music playing that i can barely hear and then i catch a phrase of this song and I realize it is me I am what the song is about and I cry till I cant breathe There is nothing to me you can explain me in a song and now I hear it over and over againmy mind is raceing and I just cant slow down what is wrong me when wil this stop!!!! medication doesnt work its a joke and Im tired of trying Im tired of this ...
More About: Song

I wonder…
2008-02-24 18:22:00
Anybody know what is it when you cry and cry and can't stop all the day and scream and don't want anything and roll down the floor and feel absolutely hopeless?

New changes are tiding me over.
2008-02-24 02:50:00
As the title says, new changes are tiding me over, meaning.. enabling me to deal with my problems, somewhat. I have a job as a bagger, soon to be cashier, at the grocery store. I bought a tamagotchi v4 that's amusing to play with. ^^  Unfortunately, my first paycheck was stolen by my mother who keeps lying to me. Claiming she needs money for a lawyer, for life insurance, to get her link card back, and other things that never happen! She also makes up stuff about my aunt and friends, which are lies as well, and pisses me off more than when she calls me a faggot, or tells me I'll get AIDs. But I know she's lying, I know she's taking money and doing crack - yet there's little I can do… and that's not even the worst part, trust me. But I don't need to talk about her, she doesn't understand me anyway and her mind is completely different - she's not my mom, she's a crackwhore.. Oh and yes, I realized, and admit - I'm Bise...

Good Day!
2008-02-22 19:43:00
I made it through an entire shift without messing up anyone's order!  I'm so happy.  No panic attacks today either.  Not really panic attacks, but today was the first day I didn't get completely flustered.  I still had energy when I came home, and my head wasn't pounding, and I wasn't feeling like a loser. I quit taking those pills because all they were doing was making me sleepy.  Sure, I needed them during the crisis to even me out, but now it's time to actually work on my issues.  Interestingly enough, I do better when I'm not in a relationship.  I'm happy and able to function day-to-day.   
More About: Good

11th day withouth ^^
2008-02-22 16:49:00
Seriolsly Allen Kar is a genious, at least about smoking (the book about loosing weight was a pile of bullshit and it's not just my opinion).  Even at the early stages my max was 3 days. In that stage less than 24 hours. But he accualy made my mind different about it. I'm not going perfectly by the plan, it's still hard but it's amazing enough for me. I just want to get out of this totally because then maybe i will feel different about other stuff too like food and everything but I will never never fall in this again. I caughed like crazy last few months and even quit a job because it started to get hard and all the money i've been waisting… Seriosly one of the motivations is that now I can get myself an Ice Cofee whenever I want and don't feel guilty about the money because I would've spend on siggaretes more anyway! And now I can remove one issue from my list!!  Hope they all get removed, Accualy I will keep it here a bit longer ...

brain
2008-02-22 16:30:00
it looks like i have neurological problem and it looks like like i have a brain problem, by what my mom tells me and by what i feel on the back of my head theres a bone sticking out of my head,  mom and i think that this is what is causing this thing in my brain it's like a flash light going on and off, but really fast and after my brain flash's on and off i lose memory for about 5,6 seconds some times i can't remember anything for about 20-30 seconds. i am going to see a doctor in a week or so. oh and there was pain in the back off my head where the bone is sticking out and i put my hand back there and there was a lot of blood back there.
More About: Brain

Whoa!
2008-02-21 23:46:00
I had my yearly review at work today. I found out that I came extremely close to getting fired over my depression beast. I cant beleive it. That is horrible. My boss told me I would just mope around and he would ask me to do something and I would get super defensive. I do not remember any of that at all! I guess I wouldnt even really great my patients, I would just say " Come on lets go". I am like whoa that is crazyness you know. He also said that if I would have told him "no" to getting help, he would have said "goodbye" that day. He said it was like night and day. That I am so much better now in only 2 months. Even better then when i first started work which was about 2 years ago! This is amazing. I look up to him so much and I just wish to keep making him happy. And making my self happy. I am so proud of myself.
More About: Whoa

Life gets much worse
2008-02-21 21:44:00
See, my so called "friend" is in Holland for Foreign Exchange.  Somehow she forgot about writing to me until I sent her an email on Myspace.  So she said she's my good friend and that i shoul;d write.   Here's the problem: i was really depressed one day, so i wrote               ;  "I am dead as all that i was before is dead."  same day i cut up my wrists. suppoesedly she got it on her b-day and got taken outof school for crying.  So now, i'm the bad person, bcuz she never truly realized or wanted to think that i might be really depressed and suicidal so she sent the email to all family and now everyone in school knows bcuz my other good freinds tell their exact words" she's trying to have fun and u send her an email about suicide."   well, yeah considering i am suicidal and she told me to write her if i was in trouble or ...
More About: Life

Work & School
2008-02-20 10:11:00
Work went well yesterday.  I actually got some decent training.  I'm going today to talk about enrolling in classes for therapeutic massage.  I'm a little nervous about the idea of going back to school, but I certainly don't want to spend the rest of my life in the food service industry.  It's so exhausting and thankless. My appointment was actually yesterday, but I called and rescheduled because I just didn't have the energy to drive halfway across the city on the Interstate and then fight mall traffic.  (The school is right across the street from the mall)  I don't know how I'm going to manage if I do enroll, but I have to do it.  I want to have a decent life.  
More About: Work , School

CUTS
2008-02-19 10:13:00
i cut up my arms really bad.  words carved into flesh  i told my siter about my bad neighbor who's been trying ot get me.  she told my dad and now he's turned in.  i feel really bad. pppl will find out and hate me or hurt me.  my brother got caught sneaking out and with possession.  my momis now threatening to leave us and take Jr.   ALL I CAN DO IS CUT AND CRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 
More About: Cuts

Leave in the sky colored pencils
2008-02-18 20:38:00
I spent my day with Heidi’s mother. It was alright for the most part. She sort of nagged me through the day to try something on that was colorful… Ha, ha. She asked me what I was doing to maintain such a ‘beautiful figure.’ ..What beautiful figure? I don’t have a beautiful figure.. -.- Really, though- every time I see her she tells me I’ve lost weight, which I haven’t. I’ve got a scale.. XD Even my friend’s father complimented on it one day.. I felt sort of bad though, since her family gives her crap about her weight all the time.   I got these cool pants.. Only to find that when I got them home, there was one of those plastic things still stuck on it.. So now we’ll need to take them back to the store to get it removed- if you removed it yourself, you’d ruin the pants and stain your skin because ink explodes once you break it.. Usually, anyway- if it didn’t, you’d just rip the material and that&rsquo...
More About: Leave

My findings
2008-02-18 16:02:00
Ok, I went without anime for about two weeks, and I have come to the conclusion, that is seems to be partially the problem. I noticed, that when I didn't watch it, I seemed to be more playful, a little less stressed, and my attitude seemed lighter. I am not saying that Anime IS the cause, but may be an underlying problem. I went to a new psychiatrist, and he said something that was very provacative. he asked me when was the last time I made a decision for myself, without asking others. Well, I couldn't think of one. It seems, that some of my problem about making decisions, is that I am afraid of what others will think. He also said "What is the big deal with making a wrong decision, it is not the end of the world"… He was right, what IS the big deal??? Shit happens, you know. Well, I am feeling a little more like myself, but I do have to stay on the pills so that I don't cry. That part, I can't seem to control yet. So, that was my findings, ...

Once Upon A Time, Happily Ever After
2008-02-18 10:23:00
I left work yesterday feeling really drained.  Everyone wants your attention at the same time, and it's so hard to pick and choose who first and then tell the others that they have to wait.  I'm a terrible waitress because I care too much about people's feelings and I start getting stressed-out.  Others tell me, "don't worry about it, they'll wait"  but I feel like I'm being mean when I don't get everyone who wants my attention.  But I can't be everywhere at one time.  I nearly panicked yesterday trying to keep up. I'm looking into schools for massage therapy now.  It's not what I really want to do, but it's a step closer than where I am now.  While I'm working on getting where I want to be, it's one-on-one, no crowds.  I don't do well in crowds at all.  I'm going to have to remind myself that this waitressing is just until I finish school.  Tha...
More About: Time , Happily Ever After

depression and more
2008-02-16 19:12:00
My name is Jamie Johnson and Im 25 years old. I have been living with depression for what seems to be a very long time. I am sick and tired of feeling this way, I dont even know what else to try. I am currently taking zoloft, an anti-depressant. It seems to be helping me a little but am still feeling down sometimes. I have been looking into alternative treatments, something to add on to what I am already doing. So now, with my therapy and medication..I also found out about certin stones that can help with mood and negative energy, I decided to try those as well. I now have been wearing my "healing bracelet", as I like to call it for 2 weeks. I can honestly say I feel a little better, I actually think this thing is helping. I now have been recommending them to other girls in my weekly depression group, because if it can help me, maybe it could help you. Im not saying that there magic or should take the place of medication or therapy, but every little bit helps, if you know ...
More About: Depression

Whoa..
2008-02-16 14:29:00
I have.. Rather disappointing news to share.. Heidi lied to the SRS workers and they are working with her.. Heidi has managed to get the court date delayed another month.. It is now supposedly taking place on March 25th. I almost feel over when I heard about that.. I was just like, “Wahh! Nooo!!” -.- ….Fantastic.. The only dream I remember last night.. Here it is.. I got on a plane and flew to a new place to live with my father and his wife. It was very cold and icy there.. They had a storage place they built on the ice where I’d be staying.. I think we were actually in Alaska. When I went to the schoolhouse, it was one room with about eight other students. The teacher was male, in his 40’s- 50’s and hated me because I was from a city.. He gave everyone this test that just happened to be math.. I didn’t know what the hell to do on it, so I sat there and wondered. The math test was something I has never seen before and looked like it didn’t even exist even.. I left t...
More About: Whoa

Whining- Poor Me (Whatever)
2008-02-16 11:35:00
I start my new job today.  I'm nervous.  I'm scared that there's going to be a bunch of psycho bi—-s there who will start hating on me my first day already.  I went to fill out my paperwork yesterday and saw two women standing there looking at me and whispering, so it already started.  It's not fair.  I have no control over what I look like.  What am I supposed to do, take a razor and shred my face to make myself ugly just so women who don't know me won't hate me?  (That might stop men from expecting me to be more "free-spirited and adventurous" than I actually am, too) I don't wear make-up.  I don't dress sexy.  I try to be a good person and considerate of other people.  All I ask is that people try to be considerate of me, too.  Is that so much? Anyway, gotta go to work.  
More About: Poor