Untreatable - Journey through mental health

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Appointment Aftermath
2008-04-24 17:24:00
Yesterday was the doctors appointment that I have mentioned for the last few weeks. The intention was to walk through his door and just let him have it. The problem was I had to wait for the appointment, not for long mind you, surrounded by other people in various states of mental distress. By the time I was invited into his office my mindset had switched from confrontational to getting the hell out of that place before my anxiety had a chance to completely take over.I did hand over the report which he was mildly surprised to see and he actually took the time to read through it. New treatment options were added to keep me more stable through out the day, read more Seroquel, and I did question him about what I was told about the availability of Dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) which was designed to treat primarily people with Borderline Personality Disorder. What my doctor did with this information was play dumb. At first he said he was not aware of any psychologist in the ...

How To Help Someone You Love
2008-04-23 17:05:00
Over the course of this blog I have received numerous emails about people who are in a desperate situation trying to help someone in their life who is not mentally well. Unfortunately this is a difficult place to be in as there is not a lot that can be done but that does not mean it is impossible.1. Change. The best medication, the best programs, the best therapy and the best doctors in the world mean absolutely nothing if the person who is sick does not want to change. This change needs to come from within the person and not the result of wanting to please others around him or her. I have seen to many people whose treatment has failed just due to the wrong mindset. "I want to change for my kids sake" sounds great on the surface but "I want to change so I am in a better position to help my kids" is the answer you want to hear.2. Learned helplessness. Time and time again I see loved ones who are literally trying to extract the illness from the person by taking care of every sin...
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Oh Where Oh Where Can She Be
2008-04-22 18:01:00
I joined a popular online dating site about a year or so ago in the order to meet people and hopefully to find that special someone. I have met some nice people and some not so nice people but I guess that is just the way things work. In the past I have had some success with online dating as that is how I met my exwife so I figured it was worth a shot to try it again.Dating with mental illness is a pretty neat trick and a good majority of people try to keep their current situation hidden from potential matches. This is not the way I live my life so normally by the end of the second or third conversation and way before meeting the potential mate in person I send off an email that covers my current mental situation. The reactions upon revealing really differ from the person just disappearing to others who have no difficulties with my life situation to people disclosing their own mental difficulties (which there is a lot of on this particular site).There are days when I wonder if I...

Random Thoughts
2008-04-22 05:46:00
I want my mother to understand what I deal with on a daily basis but I am beginning to think that no matter how much I explain it to her that she will never truly understand. Now my mom is a bright woman who wants to be able to empathize with what I am going through but I don't think it will happen to a level where we are both satisfied.She is staying with me for the next ten days or so and already early in she has seen the sudden switch of emotions where I can go one extreme to the other in what seems like a heartbeat. One moment I am the ideal son and in the next moment I am walking that line between sanity and insanity. When I finally stabilized I tried to explain that certain words or actions tend to bring out these loose cannons of emotions and it does not matter who the other person is as I only know how to attack one way which is to aim straight for the jugular. She asked if I was able to control these emotions and the honest answer is it depends on the day or possibly t...
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The Decision To Place Ads
2008-04-21 23:18:00
I am just going to jump right to the point. In the next couple of months I need to find a new place to live and this is going to change my financial situation. So I decided to put ads on the blog with the hope that enough revenue is generated to cover the cost of my internet connection which in turn will allow me to keep this blog going. I am brand spanking new when it comes to revenue but I hope the ads posted on this site will either be products that I already use or have heard positive reviews from others. Whether or not this work remains to be seen but as with the rest of my blog I want to be completely upfront with my readers. By the way if anyone has any helpful advice in this area it would be greatly appreciated. Take care.Subscribe to RSS headline updates from: Powered by FeedBurner
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Preparation For The Appointment
2008-04-21 19:07:00
For a long time before every psych appointment I would sit down and write out basically a report of where I was mentally, physically and other areas that I felt the doctor should know about to ensure the best possible outcome. Unfortunately a few months ago I handed my doctor a three page report which he barely glanced at which my Borderline brain did not appreciate and I stopped using this valuable tool. Since I stopped with the reports my appointments have been basically a waste of time as the meetings depend on where I am in my head and I tend to respond from an emotional base and not a logical one so nothing is accomplished. I need to find a way to get the doctor back too fighting for me and not against me so I am hoping the return of the monthly report will go along way to doing that. Here is a section of a typical report:Weight: 205 lbs. Fluctuates a couple of pounds above or below but remains pretty stable.Exercise: Inline skating four to five days a week. Approximately ...
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Northern Ontario Poet
2008-04-20 16:34:00
This Sundays work of poetry is from a writer located in my neck of the woods or at least close by it. Charlie Smith is a farmer/poet whose works are found in a series of collection and has been featured on CBC radio throughout Canada. Anyway I have read almost all of his works and he definitely adds a different voice to the poetry landscape. Here is one of his works:ResurrectionI am writing a poem in the taggy old field:Turn down the alders and grin —When was the last time it sang of its yield?The spruce whisper, “Long has it bin;Long as a lifetime, long as a log,Many a winter did nest.”But I plow down the poplar, the chokecherry bush,The whispering spruce and the rest.I find the old furrows and strike out anew;I sing to the red diesel roar,And the field heaves her bosom and flexes her arms,And the sod on the mull-boards says, “More!”I am writing a poem and my black lines are straight,A rhyme that a dead man can see;And he circles the edges just out of my sight,And he w...
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The Problems In Running A Mental Health Blog
2008-04-19 17:00:00
Over the last few days I have visited quite a few mental health blogs and a number of them are either really slowing down in the number of post or have announced that they are taking a hiatus. I think that every mental health blog tells a unique story and can go along way in the fighting the stigma of mental illness but there are consequences to maintaining a personal mental health site.1. I find to really connect with the reader it is important to share all of the facts and the emotions regarding a specific event or events. The problem with this is focusing on the past can bring up emotions that may have not been properly dealt with and send the monster back into motion. On more then one occasion I have started a post that I felt was important to cover but realized half way through that this was not a good idea for me mentally.2. The reason for posts on this site to suddenly switch to a poetry day or information about this blogs performance is mentally I need to take a break fro...
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Military And Mental Illness
2008-04-18 18:14:00
There has been a new study that just came out that states 300,000 US troops suffer from Major Depressive Disorder and/or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder also an additional 300,000 have suffered brain injuries. Out of these numbers only half have sought out treatment. This works out to 18.5 percent of United States troops are suffering from a mental disorder so roughly one in five. Very scary.(MSNBC article)I wrote the following post near the start of this blog:PTSD - The disorder that is about to explodePost Traumatic Stress Disorder is not a whole heck of a lot of fun. Basic Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is watching or experiencing something tragic or along those line, Chronic Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is witnessing or being a part of long term events that have left a major mark on your psyche, think long term abuse or military service on foreign land.The big thing when it comes to either form of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is that your constantly haunted by what you sa...
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Some Recognition
2008-04-18 17:58:00
I received this email this morning:Hi,I’m writing from health and fitness website www.KeeptheDoctorAway.co.uk and I just wanted to let you know that we picked your blog as one of the best health blogs online.After researching hundreds of blogs on the web we’ve decided that yours is one of the best and have recommended it to over 810, 000 regular KeeptheDoctorAway readers. Here is a link to the feature: The Top Online Health Blogs http://www.keepthedoctoraway.co.uk/showAr ticle.aspx?loadid=00982 Many thanks,Maire Bonheim Assistant EditorEvery time some thing like this comes up it catches me a little bit off guard. Once my brain deals with it and the BPD side is calmed down (every time someone says anything positive to me I am searching for the angle .... I am working on it). Anyway I jumped over to their site and read the nice review then took some time to look around the site which is rather impressive. Good articles on making positive health changes and a wide assortment of d...
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Dear Ole Mom
2008-04-17 20:42:00
I guess it is time to devote some blog space to the relationship with my mother. Like any relationship there has been ups and downs. My mom was the one I would run to after catching a beating from my father but at the same time I hated her for allowing the abuse to happen. When I started to work through areas of my life trying to make sense out of what happened I assumed that all of the anger would be focused towards my father and the other main abusers but a lot turned out to be directed at my mother. It took a while to figure it out and it came down to she was in a position to basically save me but instead she stood quietly by and let it happen which I think bothered me more then the majority of the abuse that took place.There was a confrontation between her and I a while back where I let her have it for not stopping the events that took place and for not noticing the signs that seem so obvious now about what was taking place when she was not there by people outside of the fami...

A Blog Milestone
2008-04-16 19:29:00
Sometime yesterday this blog passed it 50,000 unique visitor which is not to shabby for a site that is showed up at the beginning of February of this year so I guess I must be doing something right.This blog started as just a place for me to get the thoughts out of my head to hopefully slow down the traffic a bit. It also gives me an opportunity to look at situations in my life from a different perspective in the hope I could somehow figure out what I needed to do to get to a better position.At the beginning I had no intentions of really pushing this blog in terms of getting it out there to let the rest of the world to see but in the end curiosity took over. Even though the odds of someone getting a mental illness is one in four there is a sense that you are in a battle all by your lonesome. So I thought maybe someone in similar shoes will cross this blog and be able to identify with it which may provide a little bit of assistance in their own battle. Then there are the people wh...
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How Times Change
2008-04-15 18:33:00
I grew up in an area where most kids underwent some form of abuse at home so I just figured it to be more normal. Kids use to come to school and brag about the ass kicking they took the night before almost like it was a game. The abuse was never hidden and all the teachers knew what was going on but I guess they thought it was not their place to step in or call the authorities.One day when I was in grade four a lady came to the class and talked about child abuse and how that it was wrong. This counselor said if anyone of use were being abused that we needed to find a adult we trusted as we should not be treated this way. Well the lady left and I caught a beating that day after school by the babysitter so I thought what the lady had said earlier that day. I couldn't tell my parents for chances are I would get my butt kicked again for not "behaving" at the babysitters so the only real person left was my fourth grade teacher.I summed up the courage and when all the kids went out ...
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Walking Across A Minefield
2008-04-14 19:40:00
Over the last few years I have probably joined a couple of dozen health related forums looking for new tools to add to the mental health toolbox. With some forums I participate for a couple of days then just disappear for good where others I appear on a pretty regular basis over the course of years such as Healthboards where my post count is around 3500 and Crazyboards where my post count is still pretty low but it is a rarity that I do not visit at least once a day over. Forums are a great way to gain a new perspective on your situation and they also are a firm reminder that you are not the only one fighting monsters.There are drawbacks to forums and I will go through the list of where I have the most problems with that have chased me from various places across the web.1. Judgmental people - Have never figured out why people with one disorder will quickly turn around and slam a different disorder. Borderline Personality Disorder is such a target and to often I see the comment "W...
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If He Walks Like A Duck...
2008-04-13 04:54:00
Back when I was in school studying social work the professor who taught the introduction to interviewing told the class not to watch Dr. Phil as he was a bad example of the proper way to counsel others. For the most part I listened to her and tend to avoid his program like the plague.A few months back in the middle of the Britney Spears fiasco Dr. Phil jumped up and tried to elbow his way into the picture. His actions during that period had nothing to do with wanting the best care for Ms. Spears but to gain publicity and I personally thought he hit a new low.Well turns out there is a couple stages lower as in the last couple of days that are almost difficult to comprehend. Six teenage girls attacked and beat another girl badly with the intention of posting the video on youtube in some sick form of becoming famous (link to article). The six girls were arrested and a couple of days later Dr. Phil once again crossed that boundary by placing himself in the middle of this terrible ev...
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An Odd Relationship
2008-04-12 04:11:00
Every time I meet a new doctor or a new therapist they automatically focus on the death of my father as the reason behind the breakdown. After a couple of meetings they come to realize that the death may have been the breaking point but the storm started decades earlier.I hated my father for a really long time and it was not till my early twenties did our relationship start to go in a positive direction. When I was in my teens I use to have this fantasy every time I left my house that I was escaping from a prison as that is what it felt like. For the longest time I would never know why or what would set my father off as it constantly seemed to change so I stayed in a hyper vigilant state always ready to react.Over the years I have forgiven my father for basically everything and have tried to justify his behavior. My father grew up in a abusive household, he went through a number of strokes that seem to change his personality and some of my behaviors needed to be dealt with or el...
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The Extreme Treatments
2008-04-11 05:37:00
Once you get to a level where medication and therapy are not doing the trick there are some options left on the table.The first one is Electro Convulsive Therapy or what use to be known as shock treatments which I tried to cover through my experiences yesterday "Shock Therapy Still Alive And Well". The video below shows this treatment and how it is done today:Another option in some ares is Deep Brain Stimulation which is a surgical procedure where a device is placed in the patients brain. The battery is placed just below the clavicle with a special wire joining the two. This therapy has been used with good success with people suffering from Parkinson's, chronic pain, dystonia and tremors. There have been studies showing success with DBS and chronic depression but the studies were small inside so an accurate success ratio is really uncertain. I think in the years I have spent online in various forums there have been maybe a handful of people that have undergone this procedure....
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Shock Therapy Still Alive And Well
2008-04-10 05:32:00
During my first psych admission the doctor said that he believed that ECT might be good for my situation and that I should go forward with it. I replied that is good what the heck are you talking about? ECT is Electro Convulsive Therapy or shock treatments and when he said this all I pictured was the scene from "One flew over the Cuckoo's nest" so I was not exactly thrilled with this suggestion but the mental place I was in at the time was eating me alive.First things first they need a second doctor to check you out to make sure that you are a good candidate for this treatment. The new doctor met me and a minute later he stamped his sign of approval. Then they get you to watch the movie on how the procedure works and what to expect, it is not a pretty picture but I was really glad to find out I would not be conscious for it. How it works is your brought down to the room where they give you a combination of meds, then you are told to bite down on this piece of rubber and then y...
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A Change Of Pace
2008-04-09 19:07:00
My brain just does not want to cooperate today so instead of digging around to yank out a story I will just due a little update of what is going on in my life at the moment.Exercise - I am roller blading almost every night for about half an hour. I tend to skate at night as there is less cars on the road and I really have not figured out how to stop yet. Almost was tagged by a car last weekend so I bought a bunch of reflective tape and covered up the skates so hopefully that will help. I probably should incorporate some sort of strength training along with the cardio and that is the plan just need to figure out how to implement it.Reading - Finished reading "Crazy" by Pete Earley a couple of days ago and it was good but could have been a lot better. The personal side of the story was very brief and the rest was just pointing out the obvious when it comes the downfalls of the mental health system in the USA and how prisons/jails are the new asylums. It is a good read my expectati...
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Voices
2008-04-08 05:10:00
Imagine an MP3 player that has been surgically implanted with a power source that is ever lasting. No matter what you do this player keeps sending messages through out your brain and the harder you try to ignore it the louder it gets. A person sitting across from you could be telling a detailed story but in between their sentences the MP3 player is telling you what and how to perceive this new information. The messages may have started small but over time they have grown more and more powerful until the point they have become your reality. Every trick in the book does nothing to lessen the voice from within. At times the voice may provide a perception of a situation that you may have never realized before and it may appear almost helpful but the true intent is to gain complete control over what you do. For some it becomes the voice of reasoning or the voice of God which must be followed or else bad things tend to happen. At first you fight and you fight for you know this is no...

The Wall
2008-04-06 23:25:00
It is an amazing day outside with the temperature at the highest level since late fall. I spent the afternoon with my son which is always the highlight of my week. For the last three days I have gone inline skating for at least a half hour per time. My diet has unbelievably healthy with no junk what so ever. So how come I have the urge to go back to bed and stay there until this cloud passes. Every time I think that the storm is finally leaving there stands the monster with a bat in front of a wall so high that I am unable to see the light.The chemical theory of depression thrives on days like these as there is no logical answer to the quicksand that is quickly sapping my energy and the will to fight. I woke up today and whatever chemical is responsible just failed to show up or stick around. Why was yesterday a pretty good day yet today is the polar opposite and I have no idea what tomorrow will bring or the days that follow.To me the worse part of depression is that it is n...
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A Lighter Post
2008-04-06 07:12:00
The past few days on this blog the material has been a little intense so it is time to lighten the mood a bit. The following poem is by Robert Service and has been one of my favorites for a long time and I hope you enjoy it as wellThe Cremation Of Sam McGeeThere are strange things done in the midnight sun By the men who moil for gold; The Arctic trails have their secret tales That would make your blood run cold; The Northern Lights have seen queer sights, But the queerest they ever did see Was that night on the marge of Lake Lebarge I cremated Sam McGeeNow Sam McGee was from Tennessee, where the cotton blooms and blows Why he left his home in the South to roam 'round the Pole, God only knows. He was always cold but the land of gold seemed to hold him like a spell; Though he'd often say in his homely way that he'd sooner live in Hell.On a Christmas Day we were mushing our way over the Dawson trail. Talk of your cold! through the parka's fold it stabbed like a driven nail. If our ...
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It Is Not Me It Is You
2008-04-05 05:18:00
All sorts of odd thoughts have gone through my brain during the course of my life. For the longest time I could not figure out why people did what they did and how come they were unable to see the situation the way that I did. Turns out the problem was me.A high percentage of people who meet the criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder or another somewhat similar diagnosis will never be diagnosed. The simple reason is they do not believe anything is wrong with the way they think or their perception on life is faulty and the problems that they encounter are due to other peoples actions and not their own. It is not me it is you.Over the course of this blog I have received emails were people can not believe that I am able to keep moving with the mental illness luggage that I carry. The only reasons I have is (A) If I don't fight the illness will win and this is not a battle that you lose and walk away from (B) This has been my life for so long that it has become normal to me....

Confrontations
2008-04-04 05:02:00
This would be a good time to remind people that I am working towards in recovery and areas of my life that use to cause incredible chaos are much tamer now as I have realized that there is consequences to my actions no matter the size. That being said the last person in the world you want to get in an argument with is someone with Borderline Personality Disorder for we never lose and we have had a lot of practice.I don't fight fair and I know it and for those poor souls who caught me at the wrong time are very well aware of this. See the BPD self image is basically a series of wooden blocks stacked upon each other so if you are able to prove one area wrong then the whole tower is going to shake which I could not allow for if my tower crumbled then there would be nothing left as everything is basically a series of illusions and false self images that are not held together very well. So when some one "appears" to be going after my core belief I was going to bite and some days it d...

Thinking Out Loud
2008-04-03 06:19:00
The problem with living with mental illness is that you second guess the thoughts that are going through your head. Something that may seem completely rational in one moment does not make a lot of sense in the next then your stuck wondering if the original thought was actually correct, nice eh. For the most part with enough time and patience normally I can figure it out but every once in a while there is so many different perspectives that bluntly leaves me right off my rocker. So I figured maybe if I transferred all of the information down on paper either the answer will just jump out at me or one of my lovely readers can figure it out. Thats the plan.Here is the situation. I have had the same mental doctor for about two and a half almost three years. At the beginning every appointment I had he would completely focus on the greatness of therapy and how this was my only salvation. Then the last hospitalization happened and I diagnosed myself with Borderline Personality Disord...
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