MyteryShrink MyteryShrink What we can learn about people and relationships through the movies.
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BUT WHAT IS BEST THINKING?
2008-05-13 01:32:00 How do I know when I’m using my BEST THINKING and when I’m making my decision as the result of EMOTIONAL PRESSURE from others or from within myself? And what does BEST THINKING have to do with a near fatal stop sign? Now, I’m being dreadfully honest here about my emotional immaturity, so do consider this stop sign thing happened a while back. The incident and revelation. Up until a few years ago, I showed horses–jumpers. I rode five days a week about three hours a day. Also, I worked at a hospital, had a private practice, wrote a book, read all the time–and did I mention my parents live here, so there’s some time I choose to spend. And, poor soul, I had (still do) a husband. When the time spent riding issue arose, he didn’t think my defense that at least I spent no time cooking or keeping house was particularly impressive. Thus, anytime I was asked the question, “So when do you think you’ll be back from the stable, my... More About: Thinking
Doing What Works
2008-05-12 17:37:00 There was a time when I was ready to jump the psychology ship. I’d decided that psychology was about fads and making up stories to fit theories. Then I studied a way of accounting for human behavior which wasn’t consumed with the battle to prove “what is really going” on in a person’s head. At that point I became a STRATEGEST. “Let’s look at what’s going on . . . and your part in it . . . and consider ways YOU CAN MAKE your life better.” Instead of spinning in circles trying to come up with answers to the question “WHY?” efforts are focused on making changes that work. Hard, yes. Slow, yes. People are not that complex–as much as we like to think we are– and we know what works and doesn’t work. We know which behaviors attract humans. We know which behaviors repel humans. So why is change so hard? Anxiety and habit. Upcoming. What works: Learning to say what you are thinking... More About: Works
Why Are No Comments Allowed?
2008-05-09 19:22:00 I know, I know. People like comments and people have questions. Unfortunately, due to ethical considerations and the large volume of readers, there is no way for me to read and respond to comments. It’s like the woman in the cartoon standing behind the car with the trunk open– suitcases, piles of clothes, and all sorts of recreational equipment piled on the ground. She’s saying, “Okay. I can either pack for this trip or go on this trip. I cannot do both.” More About: Comments
Is It Just Me?
2008-05-04 23:39:00 The time has come to rate commercials for the public good. No, I’m not worked up that second graders talk casually about ED: “What? A four hour WHAT? I’m going to stay a kid!” I think consumers deserve a warning. What I’m talking about is the current trend of showing giant, ugly, squirmy bacteria on all sorts of surfaces. Sheesh. I can’t hit the clicker fast enough. Tell me these are giving kids nightmares. At least we’re past flu season so we can stop hearing about (and seeing–life size) “mucous.” Did you even talk about mucous before last winter’s barrage? I want a heads-up. “Warning: the following commercial contains disgusting images that may offend normal people. . . . particularly, those eating.” Of course, I do notice that the ads on my favorite shows go for a certain under-employed, under-educated, and under-socialized demographic. So, maybe it’s not for...
Come On In, The Water’s Fine
2008-05-01 23:09:00 “If you don’t take your life seriously, it’s not worth living.” “If you ONLY take your life seriously, it’s not worth living.” So, how’s that CONVERSATION with YOURSELF going today? How critical are you . . . OF YOU? Like you needed any help. (Don’t forget Dr. P. in case you don’t dislike yourself enough.) I keep being reminded in my practice– how the OPINION . . . your YOUR SPECIAL PERSON . . . has of you either EMPOWERS you or DIMINISHES your enthusiasm. Stop. That’s a lie. A big fat lie. You know, from our journey so far, that YOU, and only you, are responsible for your opinion of yourself. You are responsible for moving forward empowered or slinking back. STILL . . . it sure is nice to be loved by someone who thinks you could can do anything you set your mind to. Life is harder if your closest person sees you as incapable, kicked around by your emotions, undiscipli... More About: Water , Fine
Inner Torturer
2008-04-29 03:16:00 Hey, in case you do not have a well-developed INNER TORTURER, or a spouse, relative, or friend willing to teach you to DOUBT YOURSELF, there’s always Dr. L. Perfect on the radio. You can call in and she’ll give you the words to beat yourself up with. Regularly.
How to Be Fabulous
2008-04-27 22:38:00 “The most important, most life-determining, conversation you have, is the conversation you have with yourself.” What have you told yourself about you so far today?Okay, now that we KNOW: People who SEE THEMSELVES as BETTER LIKED than they actually are . . . As more SUCCESSFUL than they are . . . As more ATTRACTIVE than they are . . . As more INTELLIGENT than they are . . . Those people have MORE FUN in life. Quiz
The Inner Torturer
2008-04-27 04:23:00 Remember the social psychology experiment showing that people who rate themselves higher in social desirability than other people rate them actually have the best time? Being a Self Defined Person means basing actions on Best Thinking rather than Emotional Pressure from Other People and EMOTIONAL PRESSURE from WITHIN THE SELF. Enter THE INNER TORTURER. One nasty little personification of our Emotional Guidance System is our INNER TORTURER. You know her. She’s the voice of our anxieties and fears. Famous lines booming in our heads that can STOP US IN OUR TRACKS. About goals: “What makes you think you can do that? Who do you think you are?” About love: “Why would anyone pick you? . . . Why would anyone stay with you?” Examples upcoming. Goals: Horses, Jumps, and Foolish Practices Love: Spending all night in a phone booth– dialing his number a...
Feelings . . . whoa, whoa, whoa . . . feelings
2008-04-27 02:28:00 An event happens, say someone in our household disagrees with us. I mean, it could happen. And we RESPOND. How much of our response is OUR DECISION? How much of our response is the mindless, (ouch, I know, that’s a rough word), automatic defensiveness of our EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE SYSTEM? You remember our EGS. That part of our brains which CANNOT TOLERATE ANXIETY. That part of our brains that seeks ONE THING–relief from anxiety. That part of our brains able to ignore the fact that what we are doing IS NOT WORKING. That part of our brain that DOESN’T LEARN from experience. But, just bulls on through. That part of our brain . . . that believes we have NO CONTROL. And we do. And what does all this have to do with the sect in El Dorado? The living dead women? Later . . . tonight. mysteryshrink @ April 22, 2008 More About: Feelings , Whoa
Reaction or Over-reaction?
2008-04-23 02:41:00 The Horse In the Cattle Guard Incident Summers during college I taught riding at a day camp. One morning I arrived driving a Volkswagen busload of kids to see Blackjack, a horse I’d bought at auction the day before, stood screaming, one of his legs jammed down in the cattle guard. Note: Examples may be used more than once. I cannot keep up with what I’ve used in a current clinical session or reported here. Uncle. Defeat. Can’t do it. Okay. Back to Blackjack, the big, old, raw-boned, hundred dollar horse that was perfect for carrying beginners for a few weeks. Unfamiliar with the cattle guard, he’d stepped through the bars and was ramming his bloody hoof upward, over and over, in an attempt to escape his problem. He was clearly in terrible pain and desperate to improve his circumstances. So why didn’t he do what would work instead of doing the SAME THING, which clearly did not only NOT WO... More About: Reaction
Just Press PLAY!
2008-04-22 20:14:00 I just heard a woman promising: “Get happier! Get slimmer! Get a NEW LIFE!” “Just press ‘PLAY’.” I’m serious. We’ve been working at the this becoming a Self Defined Person way too hard. All we need to do is order this “press-pocket” or “ab-detonator” or some such miraculous item that “scientists” have just discovered that . . . well . . . you know. Plus shipping and handling. Later: Can love MAKE YOU HAPPY? I haven’t forgotten the Frenchman sitting in the Paris cafe just waiting to share how he learned to be happy man. More About: Press , Play
The Stories We Tell Ourselves
2008-04-22 01:44:00 Just think . . . “If you take very, very good care of yourself, you can look forward to getting sick and dying.” SO PAY ATTENTION ! Anxiety. Anxiety is partly a choice. There are two kinds of anxiety: ACUTE, as when a car is bearing down on you. And, CHRONIC, the anxiousness we experience in a more or less on-going way about WHAT MIGHT HAPPEN. The “What ifs.” What if I’m late? What I get lost? What if he doesn’t like me? What if I spill something? What if everyone else there is smarter, cuter, richer, and thinner than I am? What if I fail? What if they laugh in my face? What if I’ve gained weight? What if I don’t succeed? These questions, while pesky, aren’t as big a problem as the LIFE or DEATH stranglehold we put on the issues . . . I mean, what ACTUALLY does happen if when we’re late, say something stupid, trip, lose, or dress so poorly ... More About: Stories , The Stories
Change your mind, Change your life
2008-04-20 22:20:00 A Self Designed Life is only possible when the power of mind is recognized and appreciated. If life events “just happen to you,” there’s little you can do to improve your experience. When you change your mind, you change your perceptions. When you change your perceptions, you change what is possible for you. When you change your perception of what is possible, you change your choices. When you change your choices you change your life. Proof? Easy. A simple research project: 12 people are invited into a “party” which they are told is for the purpose of testing a product. After an hour, participants are given sheets of paper with twelve lines for ranking each party-goer, including themselves, with regard to SOCIAL DESIRABILITY. Each was also given a form ranking how much he enjoyed the experience and whether or not he would agree to return. Most interesting finding: People who r... More About: Change , Mind
Barefoot, Pregnant, and Powerless is Still an Option, Ladies.
2008-04-18 23:43:00 Oh, if only Dr. Perfect can guilt and browbeat women until they see that being a person is not only against the will of God, but shameful and deserving of Dr. P’s wrath. That idea still has fans. El Dorado, TX raid: American Girls. Tonight I’m attending a showing of the film “American Girls.” Here are a few words from the synopsis: “Sisters Bianca and Lorena were just ten years old when they made the dangerous trip across the US-Mexican border. They settled in Oregon with their mother so they could have everything she did not: a life beyond marriage, better education, more career choices.” Now, there’s a way to resolve the immigration issue. According to Dr. P., the lives these girls risked their lived to leave behind, are just the ticket to be a star American woman. The roles they left are still available, ladies. The job requirements are all any woman should achieve– a u... More About: Pregnant , Ladies
What do you think you think?
2008-04-17 21:02:00 You know what you like, right? You spend your time and money on goals you choose using your BEST THINKING. Who doesn’t? Well, me for one. Perhaps, you and the rest of the people in the world operate, at all times, with your THINKING GUIDANCE SYSTEM in charge. But I have issues. My EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE SYSTEM is a very tricky beast. A liar and a cheat, actually. . . . the money I’ve spent, the time I’ve wasted . . . The EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE SYSTEM is very popular. The sweeties hawking miracle weight-loss pills and re-packaged exercise machines, the chant “I want it all, and I want it NOW,” while the man calls his high interest credit card company to find out how much he can go in hock for to have it all now, . . . the insurance company urging you to buy and pay on-line “to save trees,” these folks are not speaking to our THINKING GUIDANCE SYSTEMS. The problem is, it seems like we’re thinking, that our...
But, baby, THINGS CHANGE.
2008-04-17 01:24:00 The truth of it is: Feelings change. Which is why speed kills why love and fame bring problems. Later . . . More About: Baby , Change , Things
When FEELINGS are SELF DEFEATING
2008-04-16 02:37:00 I’ve got a question for you, doc. Feelings are “bleep?” What about feelings of “love?” What about “joy?” Of course, those “up” and “generous” feelings are great. They make life beautiful. (Needing to be “in love” or needing to be treated in a way that keeps us feeling loved can be a deal breaker of a self defeating habit.) Feelings are “BLEEP” when we’re talking about ANXIETY driven emotions. Anger. Jealousy. Self-hate. Insecurity. Feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness, and helplessness. Negativity. Fear. These emotions represent EMOTIONAL PRESSURES from within ourselves. These feelings are BIG FAT LIARS. Our anger, jealousy, self-hate, self-doubt, feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness, and helpless–our negativity and fear–point us toward short term solutions. These emotions say: “So what...
Feelings are “Bleep”
2008-04-14 23:45:00 But, what about MY feelings? Most people think the point of seeing a psychologist is to “get in touch” with your “feelings.” And, since friends and family are personally invested in the same situations we are, their anxiety often gets in the way of their being able to listen calmly to our emotional reactions. (I know, I know. This selfishness on their part is off-putting, but what can I say?) For a therapy situation to be of lasting value, the THINKING SYSTEM has to enter into the process. Eventually, no need to rush. Emotions aren’t bad or good, they just “are.” Sometimes the only way to get to an wider view, a more factual view of a situation, is to splatter emotions all over the place with someone who isn’t too anxious or involved to let you. “Which is more important? The world you can touch? Or the world you are responding to?” If all a person needs is to “ve... More About: Feelings , Bleep
Why Are No Comments Allowed?
2008-04-14 21:01:00 Due to the volume of responses and professionals ethics considerations, this site does not accept comments. More About: Comments
Oh, this works.
2008-04-14 19:28:00 What fun, listening to Dr. P. on the way home from breakfast. Today the woman calling in said (during her worship spiel) that her ex-husband called her every day to remind her to listen to the Dr. P. show. Apparently, he’s still trying to train her and she still agrees it’s his job to do so. I guess that helps in trying to imagine who would call in. Later . . . More About: Works
Feelings are “BLEEP”
2008-04-14 17:34:00 Most people think psychologists are all about “getting in touch” with your “feelings.” Emotions provide a place to start. As friends and family members are sometimes too anxious to hear emotional reactions to situations in which they are personally invested, a calm therapist able to listen is a good place to start. But, only a start. personal matters are discussed. . personally invovled , gathering how a person feels in situations is the place to start. that’s a place to start. However, if More About: Feelings , Bleep
Me? Make an ERROR? Not everyone is Dr. Perfect.
2008-04-13 16:24:00 “An addiction is anything you can’t stop doing?” I said that. Gong. Buzz. I’m off the show, back to Texas. What about eating, doc? What about breathing? Revision: Is an addiction anything you can’t stop doing EVEN WHEN IT’S BECOME SELF DESTRUCTIVE. Okay, now even eating can fit that one. Not breathing though. Ahhhh . . . More About: Make , Perfect , Error
Addiction? Is EMOTIONALLY over-reacting an ADDICTION?
2008-04-12 23:01:00 What are you saying, doc? Change? Me? Noooooooooooooo. “Aren’t you supposed to be an expert at listening?” “You’re not validating my feelings.” “If you were any good at this, you could see that nothing is my fault.” It’s those other people. They have many problems. If you understood what I’ve been telling you, you would explain to me how I can keep doing what I’m already doing . . . . . . And, get different results. If an addiction is anything you can’t stop doing . . . And you can’t stop “automatically” over-reacting emotionally . . . can’t stop worrying . . . can’t stop arguing . . . can’t stop hurrying your responses . . . can’... More About: Addiction
Getting a Grip on your EMOTIONS: The Hot Tea Incident
2008-04-12 02:08:00 How can I work toward becoming a SELF DEFINED PERSON, a person whose life goes better because I’m basing my decisions on my BEST THINKING, instead of basing my actions on EMOTIONAL PRESSURE from other people or my own fears and anxieties? How can I manage my anxiety– How can I change my reactions– When those reactions are AUTOMATIC? Because my reactions are not automatic– It just seems that way. If I have no power over them, then it is hopeless, and the quality of life I experience day to day is a crap-shoot. The kind of marriage I have is up to the kind of person my husband wants to be and whether or not people at work and in my family treat me the way I think I should be treated. And, remember, depending on other people treating us like we want to be treated (at all times) is futile, time-consuming, and complicated–since they are such poor listeners to our suggestions. THE DAY I ... More About: Emotions , Grip , Incident
SPEED KILLS
2008-04-11 01:35:00 But, I need help now! You have an idea now what it means to base your actions more on your BEST THINKING and less on EMOTIONAL PRESSURE from others or EMOTIONAL PRESSURE from within yourself. Still . . . how? I need specifics, doc. First step is to breathe. Leave a space between what the other person says and your response. Heck, let that other person say something, then you breathe, wait ten seconds, and THEN respond. If you’re my “other person,” you’ll look stunned and clear your ears, thinking, surely, I’d jumped right in that tiny little space with my defensive remark and he’d missed it. Another advantage of slowing down. You can think better when you’re not rushing your response. Or, at least you can leave the impression you are thinking. That’s pretty cool. I’ll settle for that. More About: Speed
Is it even POSSIBLE? Can a person better manage ANXIETY?
2008-04-11 01:27:00 SLOW DOWN. cup of tea. More About: Anxiety , Person , Manage
BAD news, GOOD news
2008-04-10 01:17:00 Okay, we’ve sucked it up and are ready to take on real change with the ONLY PERSON WE CAN CHANGE. **Those still hanging on to the hope that you’re going to fix your insides by training other people to treat you the way you must be treated in order to stay calm, know two things. You won’t be very happy for very long. And other people will distance from you to avoid your complaints about how they treat you. Well, three things. Third is, I’m right there in the sinking boat with you. I’m still not over American Airlines switching from peanuts to pretzels. So, you know what kind of emotional maturity giant I am. BAD NEWS: Trying to maintain self-esteem by training others is time-consuming, ineffective, and eventually humiliating. (How many times to you want to tell some one to give you a kiss?) GOOD NEWS: You were in charge all along, and that’s attractive like a bucket of money. Later: SPEED KILLS! More About: News , Good News , Bad News , Good
Yikes! SHE really said this!
2008-04-09 19:24:00 Yes, we’re talking about Dr. Perfect, the radio doc (not really either). A man calls in trying to decide whether or not to put his son on medication as recommended (Now, hold on, keep that knee-jerk reflex about ADD and kids and meds in check. We’ll get to that.) And SHE meanders around a while, then asks about stresses in the kid’s life and the father says he and the wife are divorced, along with a number of other issues. He does not give any details about why the divorce, how long, or how AMIACABLY the ex and he handle the child. These are irrelevant details apparently. Without further ado or addressing his original question, Dr. P, says the answer is for him to remarry his ex. I’m not kidding here. At least Dr. P is showing some parity. I thought she only thought women were stupid. Now about that knee-jerk business. An adult who bases their actions on their BEST THINKING (facts included) and not on ...
SELF-FOCUS is not SELF-CENTERED
More articles from this author:2008-04-08 22:48:00 This is the hard part. I’ve had graduate students who, after two years on what it is to be a SELF DEFINED person, still don’t get this part. And, without being able to know, feel, get a grip on SELF FOCUS, not much else is possible. How can you better manage your anxiety if you can’t get a grip on what you are focusing on? How can you better manage your anxiety if you are convinced SOMEONE else is CAUSING it? SELF FOCUS is pulling your energy back inside yourself and PAYING ATTENTION to WHAT’S GOING on inside YOU instead of investing your energy in figuring what others are doing, particularly what they are doing wrong. More About: Focus 1, 2 |
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