Gymsanity

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Air Pollution
2007-02-20 15:34:02
Nick Nilsson?s Unwritten Code of the Gym: 19) Don?t wear excessive cologne or perfume in the gym. It can be very unpleasant for others who are breathing heavily. Well, there?s the understatement of the year. To this gem, I would add only a distiction between the cardio and the free weight areas of the gym. Once you get going on your treadmill or stair stepper, you?re trapped. You don?t have the option of moving your bench, or entire person, away from the noxious cloud. And, adding incense to injury, a cardio session by its nature consists of inhaling big gulps of air. Now, I think we should all step back a second and appreciate that some people are acutely aware of the connection between perspiration and body odor. Still, I can’t help thinking this situation is similar to the women who arrive at the gym wearing entirely too much makeup. In my experience, the people who soak themselves in perfume the most are also the ones sweating the least.
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Hard Gainers
2007-02-19 03:32:02
Although a certain segment of the population goes out of its way to avoid making progress in the gym, hard gainers ? or ?hardgainers? (an actual fitness term of art) ? find their bodybuilding dreams limited by mediocre genetics. Experts in the field estimate that somewhere between 60 and 95 percent of people are hardgainers. These figures aren?t all that surprising. In any sport, a few elite athletes set the standard for legions of amateurs. And besides, statistically speaking, most people are average. I, however, would like to advance a new theory. In my estimation, when it comes to building muscle, the problem is that 60 to 95 percent of people have no idea what they?re doing. Today at the gym I watched a couple younger guys make an absolute mess of their back workout. They performed sets of t-bar rows and barbell rows with their posture nearly ramrod straight, transforming these excellent mass builders into sloppy bicep curls. Then there are the folks who turn a simple set o...
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24 Hour Fitness
2007-02-18 03:31:01
One of the most underrated ? underhyped ? benefits of weight training is the 24/7 calorie furnace created by slabs of lean muscle. Much like the basketball player who?s still 6?10? even when he?s tired, your toned physique is burning fuel when you?re on the couch watching TV, or even asleep. Meaningful lean mass is achieved by developing the body?s largest muscles (legs, back and chest) through exercises that, naturally, hurt the most. I?m referring to the moves that make a difference: squats, deadlifts, rowing movements, various kinds of presses. Unfortunately, folks at the gym throw away daily this round-the-clock fitness opportunity. And of course, the worst offenders are usually the people who need it most. I see flabby middle-aged women wasting their time with moves like one-arm tricep pulldowns or concentration curls. I shake my head watching paunchy guys perform isolation exercises like pec-deck flys or leg extensions. All these movements should belong exclusively to se...
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Belt Buckle
2007-02-14 09:28:01
Hang out in the grunting area of your gym, and you?re destined to find folks using lifting belts and joint wraps to excess. I read somewhere that these guys who wrap their knees, their elbows, their wrists and then cinch a weight belt around their waist begin to resemble mummies. Weightlifting forums have debated at length whether these lifting aids improve safety, or whether they simply help stabilize the ego by increasing the amount of weight that a person can lift. What?s more interesting to me, however, are the guys who strap on a heavy-duty lifting belt for no reason at all. I?ve seen various levels of absurdity: Stage 1) Belt on during bench presses. Seeing as you literally lie down on your back muscles during a bench press, the only reason to wear a belt is if you plan on violently arching your back in a frantic attempt to return the barbell to its starting point. This maneuver could be considered poor form. Stage 2) Belt on during leg presses. This use of a belt is qui...
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Fantasy Camp
2007-02-13 21:27:02
A fictitious reader writes in: Curious, ummm, that post was the abridged version. I didn’t even get into which brands consistently underperform, the work-arounds for various body parts, my dream of becoming a buyer for a wholesale fresh fruit company … you get the idea. For whatever it’s worth, I think there are lots of spectacular new machines out there, but for some reason they’re all showing up in gyms only in Las Vegas or Southern California. I just drool over the photos in the muscle magazines - not over the bodybuilders of course (not that there’s anything wrong with that …) - but over these fantasy-camp gyms where the photo shoots take place. Here are two of my favorite next generation machines that I’ve actually used: On the left is Atlantis Strength Equipment’s reverse hyper extension. You lean over the top pad, grab the handles (far left) and slide your calves under the low pad. By lifting up with your low back and...
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Getting In On The Action
2007-02-12 21:26:01
One of the most frustrating aspects of staying fit is having my workout impaired not by my own lethargy, but by problems with equipment in the gym. I?ve often wondered about a gym?s process for selecting its equipment. Does anyone with fitness experience actually try out the equipment first, or do they engage in catalogue purchasing akin to picking a doctor out of the phone book? And even more fundamentally, what goes on exactly at the companies that manufacture gym equipment? Do the engineers and designers have any personal history pushing, pulling and squeezing in the gym? Does anyone actually sit in the prototype and blast out a few reps before it gets mass produced and shipped out the door? A machine?s ?action? ? the way the resistance rises and falls with the movement ? should, I think, simulate the feel of an oar pulling through the water: smooth, constant, uniform. What you often get, however, are machines that force you to fight against the resistance as much as the we...
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More Fun From Around The Globe
2007-02-09 03:23:01
At this point, I’m pretty certain it’s not just me. From a thread at Bodybuilding.com: I was training the other day doing a set of lying triceps extensions on a flat bench. I was just sitting on one end resting between sets when all of a sudden my bench starts moving. I look behind me and this guy had taken up position on my bench back towards me, I guess to do some concentration curls. It was even more bizarre because there was a completely free bench right next to me. And the all important #1 tip for gym etiquette from the online version of the Tallahassee Democrat: TIP NO. 1: Leave your towel in the locker so that it will be clean for you tomorrow. There’s no need to lug a towel with you from one piece of equipment to the next. After all, somebody else who has not yet broken a sweat would appreciate getting to sit or lie in a pool of yours!
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My Kind Of Workout
2007-02-08 15:22:01
Overheard at the gym today: “I’m training harder than ever, man. I even came to the gym on my off day to go in the steam room.”
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International Health Emergency
2007-02-07 15:21:06
An actual reader directed me to a thread at Men?s Health ?s U.K. discussion board about ridiculous behavior at the gym. Sounds like stupidity at the club is something of a global epidemic. A few highlights. Cell phone abuse: Right fellas, I’ve been working out for 4/5 years now and I have seen a lot of funny/stupid stuff in the gym, but today’s incident takes the biscuit. I was coming out of the changing rooms and I saw a guy on his mobile phone … normal enough so far you might say. Well how about the fact that he was also on a rowing machine and rowing one handed??? ? One day when one of these idiots was on the running machine and as usual on his mobile phone, he was getting rather animated and dropped his phone. Human instinct being what it is he quickly reached down to try and catch it as he did he forgot to keep moving his legs, anyway there is one almighty crash as his face hits the treadmill and he gets flung off the back and is laying in a heap at the end &...
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Going Out On A High Note
2007-02-07 15:21:06
So here?s one. I?m resting between sets of bench presses, and I notice a guy come in and drop his gym bag next to the squat rack. He throws three plates onto each side of the bar, warms up with a quick check of his nose hairs in the mirror, and then settles in for his lift. What luck: I am present for the setting of a new land speed record, 0-300 in about ten seconds flat. My high school band teacher always insisted that the proper way to warm up is not to pick out the highest note you can play and to blow it as long and loudly as you can. Likewise, a warm up in the gym needs to be a thoughtful process that maximizes strength while minimizing the risk of injury. The specifics aren?t critical; you?ve warmed up adequately when you?re ready to hit your first heavy set at full weight. My father, in his home gym, first picks up all the ping pong balls so inconsiderately left on the floor from the night before. I warm up with a 3-5 minute stroll on the treadmill, followed by stretch...
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Brobdingnagian B.S.
2007-02-04 15:20:02
Here’s another imaginary email from a simulated reader that I found quite interesting: Average, I couldn’t agree with you more. Like you, I also strive in my affairs to be neither too rich nor too good looking. In fact, a great many people apparently live in fear that they may wake up one morning with a chisled physique. Almost daily, I hear a group of guys at the gym, leaning against the equipment, chatting about how they really have no desire to get “big.” When I share with co-workers my passion for fitness, the conversation frequently lapses into how they bypass the gym due to the risk of packing on mass. I believe it was bodybuilding pro Mike Matarazzo who summed up exactly what is requried to get big: 1) freakish genetics and 2) use of anabolic steriods. I would also add to his list tremendous heart, drive and commitment to the sport. Women especially should stop using outsized muscularity as an excuse for a spotty gym record. Low testosterone leve...

Perfect Form
2007-02-01 03:18:03
Over the last week, I?ve been pondering ways to increase the readership of this blog. Today, as I stared into a grocery store?s magazine rack, the idea hit me. If established fitness periodicals can use this gimmick to boost circulation, so can I. Flex magazine put on its cover a young Arnold Schwarzenegger. I?ve often thought about why Arnold continues to inspire fitness enthusiasts nearly three decades after his retirement from professional bodybuilding. He hasn?t even appeared shirtless in a movie in any significant way since the early 1990?s. Arnold?s main appeal can?t be his size in his prime. Professional bodybuilders these days run thicker with better definition. Mr. Olympia 2006 stands 5?9? at 275 lbs, compared to Schwarzenegger?s championship reign at 6?1?, 245 lbs. Incidentally, this is no dig at Arnold. Today?s gym equipment is better, the science of fitness is more advanced, and the ? umm ? performance enhancers probably give you more bang for the buck, too. In m...
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Save Me Some Bordeaux
2007-01-30 15:17:02
I learned a great line out on the golf course recently. To the incredibly slow foursome ahead of us, a guy in my group yelled out ?Save us some brie!? Get it? The foursome was moving at such a snail?s pace it was like they were having a picnic out on the fairway. At the gym, I come across similar folks who plop down on a piece of equipment like it?s a leather couch at a dinner party. Today, I watched a guy take up residence on an incline Hammer Smith machine for about three-quarters of an hour. (This is not an exaggeration ? there is a clock directly above the machine.) I?m sure it was quite relaxing: the back rest allows you to recline at a slight angle, the handle bars provide a great place to prop up your arms. He also received several visitors during his morning of leisure, where they considered the current issues of the day. Other than when he first sat down, this guy did not perform one set on the machine. As I walked past the confab on my way to the locker room (I had...
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The Four-Legged Leg Press
2007-01-30 15:17:02
Although I am frequently dismayed by people?s laziness and all around carelessness in the gym (obviously: I?ve started a blog about it), I am equally impressed by how creatively they accomplish nothing. When it comes to training legs, people generally steer clear altogether. Squat racks, leg press machines and Smith machines collect the most dust in the gym, while people congregate around equipment that works the smaller muscle groups. And why not: training legs hurts like crap! Properly training the body?s largest and strongest muscle group requires a serious commitment to intensity and concentration. So let?s talk about a way people train legs unseriously. I?ve noticed two distinct methods people use to cheat on the leg press. The first is when the guy does his set with his arms crossed over his chest, so that he severely limits the lift’s range of motion. The second, and my favorite, is when the guy presses his hands to his knees throughout the lift. He cheats himse...
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Halloween In January
2007-01-30 15:17:02
You can tell a lot about a person?s commitment to fitness by how he or she dresses in the gym. In this case, more really is less. The more colorful, stylish and expensive the getup, the less likely you will see that person at the gym next month, or even next week. But what to make of the guy who comes to workout dressed like he?s teeing off at Augusta National? I?m talking about the collared shirt, leather belt, slacks and shineable shoes. This is not the fellow dressed in his business casual because he forgot to pack his gym clothes. I?m referring to the guy who looks into his closet on a Sunday morning and thinks that workout gear ought to be dry cleaned. On the female side, I?m both appreciative of and confounded by the attire that looks like it was lifted from a Picasso painting. These one piece outfits stretch over the whole body, with geometric chunks missing from the back, stomach and side of the leg. What really perplexes me, however, are the women (often the same) w...
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Sound Effects
2007-01-30 15:17:02
I consider myself something of a gym connoisseur. If you count all the college gyms, Gold?s Gyms, government-owned gyms and hotel gyms I have worked out in at least once, I must have sampled at least 100 centers of fitness. And regardless of the quality of the facility, they all seem to struggle in at least one area: music. I remember one gym where my hardcore leg workout was derailed by some shrieking rock song about ways to murder Jesus. The whole experience was so unsettling that I filed a complaint in the gym?s suggestion box. The gym posted my complaint and wrote that I should have just come to the front desk and asked them to change the station. I thought this was a surprisingly fair response. But still, I don?t want to have to interrupt my workout (leave the equipment, climb the stairs, find a manager) just to go futz with the radio. The easy listening music pumped through some gyms is another workout killer. I mean, Barry Manilow?s very intent is to relax you, lower y...
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Heart Attack
2007-01-30 15:17:02
Given the far-reaching ignorant and even reckless use of gym equipment, I write the following with a full understanding of its magnitude: No equipment in the gym falls victim to more mistakes, blunders and downright wasted motion than the poor cardio machines. First, a simple tip. When you ride the stationary bike, always use the pedal straps. If you start pedaling around like a three-year-old on a tricycle, you deprive yourself of 50 percent of the workout ? the stress on the hamstring that comes from the upstroke. On the treadmill, keep your hands to yourself. Every day, I see hands locked to the top of dashboards, fingers wrapped around front handles, and hands gripping side rails. When you use your arms to pull yourself along, the solid workout that comes from even a simple brisk walk gets transferred to a bunch of rubber and plastic. Remember, until Skynet goes active, we still control the machines. If you can?t survive your workout without clinging to the treadmill, lowe...
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But Seriously
2007-01-30 15:17:02
It?s mailbag time! Actually, I haven?t received any fan mail yet. But if I had, at least one would probably read like this: Serious , thanks for your note! I?m always delighted to hear from my readers, irrespective of the question, comment, complaint, issue, protest or objection. You raise an excellent point which I?ll briefly address. First, you?ll notice that I sprinkle training tips throughout my posts. In fact, this entire blog is about exactly what not to do. Second, I am acutely aware that gym mishaps can lead to horrific injuries. It?s a miracle this kind of thing doesn?t happen more frequently. In any event, since this post is all about sheathing the sarcasm for a day, I?d like to share my top 5 most outstanding things I?ve ever seen at the gym. 5) The guys who showed me how to use lifting straps properly. With the first loop, the strap goes under the bar, not your palm. Otherwise, the barbell will just slip out of your hands. 4) The guy who at about 5?9??, 170 lbs...
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