I've Still Got Both My Nuts: A True Cancer Blog

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Fo' Shingle My Tingle
2007-07-20 06:32:00
On Valentine?s Day during my senior year of high school, I woke up with a peculiar rash on my chest. I went to the nurse?s office after Mr. Spunkmeyer?s homeroom class. ?It looks like the shingles,? the nurse told me. ?You need to see a doctor.?My mom picked me up that afternoon during calculus and we drove to my clinic. I thought the rash was just some kind of allergic reaction, but I wasn?t going to take any chances. It was red, bumpy, itchy, and developed horizontally across my chest.When we arrived, my nurse put me in an individual room just in case I was contagious. A doctor entered the room soon after, looked at my rash and immediately knew what it was. ?You?ve got the shingles, pal.??What is shingles???Shin gles, or herpes zoster, is a viral infection caused by the same virus as chickenpox. You?ve had chickenpox, right???I don?t know. Mom, have I???Yeah, you had a small episode when you were younger," she said.?Well, that?s it. Once somebody has chickenpox, the virus stays in ...

Special Collections
2007-07-16 01:29:00
Over the years my house has collected some interesting items. Some have been thrown away while others have accumulated in cabinets and such?Dozens of puke buckets are stacked under sinks everywhere in the house. My favorites are the pink ones. At one time those plastic containers were distributed in every room ? just in case. I had a pretty sweet deal, where instead of rushing to the toilet to spew I just grabbed a bucket. Then, someone else cleaned it up because ?I wasn?t feeling well,? or ?It was too gross and may make me puke again.? Those suckers fell for it.We used to have gallons of Biotene, the gentle germ-killing mouthwash. My hospital gave it out like candy. My nurse once said the hospital had stock in it, and I?m pretty sure she was joking.A set of crutches are chilling in my closet. I bust them out on occasion to practice my tricks and crutch up the hill ? they?re great for the triceps. In a different closet is my walker, which I still use to race tortoises. I smoke those...
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Wake-up Call
2007-07-12 18:54:00
Last month I borrowed the first season of Lost on DVD from my friend, HollaAtYoBoy. If you haven't seen it, this is possibly the greatest season of television ever (with the exception of every season of Seinfeld and the first two of 24). At 1:00 AM I decided that no matter how late it got, I was going to watch the final four episodes. It ended at 5:00 AM, at which point I went straight to bed. On my way upstairs I passed my dad, who was getting ready for work. He had a What the fuck is this? look on his face."Were you sleeping?" he asked."No, I was watching Lost. I'm going to sleep now. See you tomorrow...or later...or whatever."I almost never stay up that late. However, my friend Hamburgers goes to sleep between 4-6 AM every day. Back in college he struggled to make his late afternoon classes. In the winter months he'll go days without seeing the sun. "Sometimes I wake-up not knowing if it's morning or night," he told me.
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My First Cancer Tease
2007-07-07 07:39:00
It was a brisk day in October during my senior year of high school, and my hip began to hurt. Pain wasn?t unusual ? after all, it had only been nine months since my surgery. I was still getting two hours of physical therapy a week and needed to use a cane. But as the day went on, the pain increased substantially and spread from my hip to my knee. I had no idea what the problem was, but there was one thing that I prayed to God it wasn?t ? the return of my cancer.When school let out after calculus I saw my friend T2theZ in the lobby. ?Hey, does my left knee look swollen to you?? I asked, as I lifted both my pant legs.?Whoa dude,? T2theZ replied. ?Why is your left leg so much skinnier than your right leg???Hey moron, I didn?t walk on it for a few months. What about the knee???Yeah, it does look a little swollen. What?s wrong with it???I don?t know, maybe I sprained it.?I had PT the next day and my physical therapist, Formula-6, analyzed my knee. He determined there was nothing wrong wi...
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Cough in My Face, Pencil in Your Eye
2007-07-01 17:09:00
After my transplant I developed an intense aversion to germs. One of my methods of avoidance was to hold my breath anytime somebody around me coughed, sneezed, burped, grunted, spoke or exhaled. When I couldn?t hold any longer I would bury my face in my shirt, take a deep breath, and hold it again. It became instinctive. In fact, I?ve noticed that I?ll hold my breath after I hear somebody cough on TV. When I realize I?m the only person in the room, I breathe, and then punch myself in the face for being a moron.Last year for spring break I went to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico, with some friends. My final class before break was Spanish 202, which I regrettably attended. I should have been practicing my pickup lines, but that?s another story. I showed up right on time and sat next to my friend.?I really don?t want to be here,? I said to him.?Me neither, but if I miss anymore classes I get docked points,? he replied.I hadn?t missed a single class yet, and considered leaving. I?m already here...
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Griffey the Kid
2007-06-27 08:15:00
I was six years old and already knew what I would do when I grew-up: I was going to be a professional baseball player. In fact, I couldn?t fathom why anybody wouldn?t want to play baseball for a living. During the summer, my dad, brother and I would play catch in the backyard each afternoon. But we didn?t just throw the ball around ? my dad would simulate plays from the field to give us practice for our future profession. Ground balls were always my specialty.Around that same time I began collecting baseball cards with my brother, JD. Our allowance was $1 a week, which we took straight to the baseball card shop. If I was smart then I would have kept the cards in their packages, where they would?ve stayed in mint condition and increased in value over the years. But I couldn?t do that ? I had to look at them, play with them, memorize them, categorize them. I don?t have an exact count, but I probably own several thousand baseball cards.I knew I was supposed to root for the hometown tea...
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The Legend of DJ Willy
2007-06-22 17:26:00
The following story comes from the firsthand account of my friend, BulletToothTony. It takes place during his first year of college in North Carolina. Although this story sounds unbelievable, there?s no way we could make it up ? we?re not that imaginative.The story unfolds during move-in day. Judging from our previous phone conversations, it seemed as if I?d have a normal roommate for once. While at lacrosse camp, my last roommate used to jack off when he thought I was asleep ? and he was a fucking sicko, but that?s another story. Enter culprit: tall, lanky, blonde, surfer-looking dude shows up at 4 PM. Just as I had suspected, he seemed normal enough. But in a very short period of time I realized he was far from it.He drank?normal.His grades diminished?normal.He smoked weed?somewhat normal.He smoked weed at precisely 1 PM each afternoon?somewhat abnormal.He duct-taped his alarm clock to the wall directly above his head, just so he wouldn?t sleep through his afternoon ?appointment??...
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Wheeler and Cancer Card Dealer
2007-06-18 02:38:00
When I was 12 I went on a trip to Long Island with my dad. During the 10 hour drive I counted how many people he passed: a grand total of 2. They were either blind, pushing 100 years old, or both. When he?s driving on one of our local one-lane roads and being tailgated, he?ll slow down to as little as half the speed limit until the car backs off. When I was 15 and had my learner?s permit, my dad wouldn?t let me drive any faster than 5 under the limit. ?And no radio or waving,? he instructed. ?If I see you wave at anyone then we go home.? My neighborhood friends thought I was an asshole when I wouldn?t wave back.I quickly made up for this slow start during my first few years with a driver?s license ? in three years I was passed by six cars, at most. It wasn?t uncommon for me to roar past other drivers going 30-40 miles per hour faster. On average I drove 20+ over the limit, or what the police call ?reckless driving.? I never tailgated or cut anyone off, but I did drive by my own theo...
More About: Card , Cancer , Dealer , Wheel , Wheeler

Super Cancerman
2007-06-11 23:28:00
It?s a bird?it?s a plane?it?s?Super Cancerman!The city?s most lovable hero is back at it again after his fifth heart transplant. ?Searching these streets for scumbags is what I do best,? Super Cancerman said in his most recent interview. ?As long as my heart is still ticking I?ll continue protecting Tumourre City from the rapists, murderers and thieves. And if I find them, they better watch out ?cause I?ll irradiate their asses.?While genuinely liked by the citizens of Tumourre City, Super Cancerman?s methods haven?t been proven to reduce crime. Although harsh, the waves of radiation he emits don?t exactly cause immediate effects ? criminals can expect diarrhea and anal irritation a few days later, and a 20% increased risk for cancer 20 years later.If Super Cancerman gets really angry he?ll launch his patented ?Just Sprinkle Some Chemo On It!? chemo sprinkles at the criminals. Unfortunately for the citizens of Tumourre City, most of the sprinkles find their way into the groundwater,...

12 Double Cheeseburgers
2007-06-04 07:04:00
One day after school during my junior year of high school I saw my friend Iceman in the parking lot, ready to go home. I was headed to McDonald?s for a midday snack and asked if he wanted to join me."What, do you go like every day or something?? Iceman asked.?Yeah, pretty much.??Alright, let?s go.?Iceman once told me he could eat 12 McDonald?s double cheeseburgers in an hour. I didn?t believe him and offered to make a bet. ?I?ll buy your double cheeseburgers and give you $10 if you win, but if you lose you have to pay me back for the burgers.??What else do you get if I lose???Nothing. Watching you suffer through 12 double cheeseburgers will be entertaining enough.?At McDonald?s that late afternoon something extremely rare happened ? something even rarer than the anticipated rapid-fire consumption of two dozen hamburger patties: I actually talked about cancer in a non-joking, ?real? way. I told Iceman what it was like being in and out of school. I told him about my treatment progress...
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Quarter Mile of Shit
2007-05-29 18:34:00
Five months after my transplant I was FUCKED UP. My organs were confused as to what they were supposed to do. My kidneys had become stupid, my lungs decided to collect microscopic organisms, my gallbladder went into hibernation, and my intestines were involved in the most extreme bowel transition ever.It all started when my hospital made an error, which resulted in a pooping incident never before seen in human history. When it was over, it took an entire day for me to re-hydrate from all the fluid I?d lost to the toilet. After that I decided I wasn?t going to shit again for the rest of my life.This resolution lasted two weeks, which turns out to be an insanely long time to go without defecating. The next week I had mild, constant abdominal pain on my left side, which I thought was a strained muscle. My doctor ordered me an X-ray and the picture wasn?t pretty. I had a massive collection of excrement.MASSIVE.?I have a quarter-mile back-up of shit,? I told people.Over the next two week...
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Soy Queen
2007-05-24 17:48:00
Back in the day I drank chocolate milk every night with dinner. Nesquik tasted better, but Hershey?s was healthier because it was low fat. A tough decision, but I was a winner either way. Back in the day my friend Infincuralier and I frequently went to Dairy Queen . He always got the Brownie Earthquake and I would order the strawberry shortcake.After my transplant, all of that changed.My first allergic reaction happened shortly after eating a Tastycake peanut butter Kandy Kake, whilst drinking chocolate milk. My lip swelled like a balloon, and I was quick to lay the blame on peanuts. Everybody knows peanut is the most common allergy, and I wasn?t about to relinquish my Nesquik.Things got worse.At the beginning of my first semester back at college I had a severe allergic reaction nearly every night. On several occasions I put my roommate on guard, in case he needed to take me to the ER. Twice we had our shoes on ready to leave, right as the Benadryl began to kick in.All of my reaction...

Strikeout
2007-05-19 03:22:00
When I was in the 6th grade, my friend Daisy started a rumor that I liked one of the hottest 11 year olds, Hoja. The rumor spread like wildfire, and by the end of the day everyone knew about my supposed crush.On the bus ride home I angrily asked Daisy, ?Why did you tell people I liked Hoja???I saw you sitting across from her in math class and noticed you blushing,? she said. ?I was just joking about the rumor. It?s not true, is it???Yeah, it?s true,? I replied.?Oh I?m sorry?Do you want me to ask her out for you???Umm?I guess. But don?t tell her I told you to.??Okay, I?ll ask her tomorrow,? Daisy said.The next afternoon on the bus Daisy told me that Hoja had declined her offer. I didn?t speak to Hoja the rest of 6th grade, and was ecstatic when she moved away the following year.Little did I know my sixth grade self was setting the pattern that would hold for years to come. Here are the best of my more recent strikeouts.1I see a girl sitting at a table with her friends. I approach.Me:...
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Spank Bank: Part II
2007-05-14 21:34:00
A while back I told the Span k Bank story to my friend, Colossus. He laughed his ass off, then stopped and looked at me funny.?What?? I asked.?The last time I was in a hospital I passed by the nursing station.?Colossus began his usual demonic laughter.?Yeah, so, what?s your point???Dude, when I passed by, I looked at their monitors?they have cameras in every patient?s room.??Bullshit!??I?m serious. They have cameras so they know when the patient?s in trouble. Your #1 hottie saw you.?Now he was laughing uncontrollably. I tried to look for any bit of truth in that, but couldn?t think above his laughter. ?Would you just shut up for one second!?I mentally took myself back to my hospital room and scanned the ceiling. HEPA filter in one corner. The door near another. The other two corners?shit, I don?t remember.I didn?t believe Colossus, but I had to make certain. I called my nursing friend.?Is there any chance after my transplant there was a camera in my room?? I asked her.?I don?t think ...
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Bad Dream
2007-05-09 23:57:00
I?m in a small, futuristic room full of monitors. I get the feeling we?re on some kind of space shuttle, or at least what looks like one. And although it seems like we?re in the future, I still look the same. I must age well. My family and Dr. P are in the room with me.The room has all the makings of a hospital and I?m lying on the bed because I have cancer, again. Luckily, this time there is no year of treatment and no two-month hospital stay. The entire treatment regimen is two extremely intense days of chemotherapy.?Is it really only two days?? I ask.?Yes,? Dr. P replies. ?We?re going to pound you into oblivion.??Ah, whatever. I?ve had worse. So, when do I begin???Right now, actually. I?m going to put you to sleep for this, and you?ll awaken in a few hours. Is that okay???Sure, let?s get started.?And just like that, I?m asleep as new chemotherapy targeting my third cancer courses through my veins.Hours later I am awake. I check out my surroundings. Everything looks the same. Did ...
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Size 16 in the Crotch
2007-05-07 17:55:00
This may be the funniest picture I've ever seen.I have a few questions I would love to ask the dude:Is that what you call dancing?What did you do to piss off PsychoGirl?On a scale of 1-10, how much do your balls hurt right now?A few more for PsychoGirl:How big is your shoe?Why do you want to take away his manhood?You have a crush on him, don't you?What makes it so funny is the guy looks a bit like The Stumbler.
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Like a Rock
2007-05-04 18:04:00
I would rather have diarrhea than constipation. But as I said in Pooping Your Pants Is Cool, cancer patients don?t get to choose. For the entire year of my first cancer, I had to battle rock-hard shits.If you think it?s strange that I can openly discuss my past bowel troubles, you?re probably right. But that?s what my hospital friends and I did more than anything else ? we talked about pooping. We talked about it with our family, doctors, nurses, friends and each other.Our bowel conditions essentially became a sign of our relative health. We may have had massive tumors and our white blood cells may have been close to zero, but if our constipation was under control then we were perfectly fine.Most of us had our surgeries after our fifth cycle of chemo. Cancer surgery is generally not something people look forward to, yet it did have some benefits. In particular, there was a brief reprieve from extreme constipation. Although my bowels still weren?t even close to normal because of the ...
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Spank Bank
2007-04-29 18:40:00
I?m not claiming to be a lady?s man in any shape or form. When it comes to girls I?m about as worthless as it gets. Nevertheless, I find female presence absolutely necessary for young men, even if they?re just to look at.During my two-month hospital stay, some of the days I was too fucked-up to think about girls. If Jessica Alba had walked into my room ready to bump uglies I?d probably have told her to leave me alone. ?Try the dude next door. He?s like 14, he might want to.?But many of my hospital days I thought about girls more than anything else, with the exception of food. Sometimes I?d look out my window hoping to get a long-distance glimpse of a girl walking by. Weird fantasies would enter my head, like a strong gust of wind hitting a girl in a miniskirt.The only humans I saw each day were my family, doctors and nurses. Bingo. Besides modeling, you won?t find a profession with more hot girls than nursing. I?ve had tons of nurses over the years. Many were attractive. Some were a...
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Happy Birthday, Bone Marrow
2007-04-24 06:50:00
Today at approximately 11:30 AM, my bone marrow turns four years old. She?s been excited about this for days. And to answer your question, yes my bone marrow is a she, and no, that doesn?t make me a transsexual or anything (?not that there?s anything wrong with that). My donor just happened to be the stem cells of a newborn baby girl?s umbilical cord. My bone marrow is such a smart little girl. She taught herself how to write and do advanced Calculus. I think she?s one of those bone marrow prodigies.Last month she made out her birthday list. Here is what she asked for:1. DVD box set of the children?s show Bob the Builder At first I was glad she wanted to learn how to build shit, but all she does is watch the introductory song over and over again. She better think again if she thinks I?m going to waste my money on something she?ll barely use. Plus that damn song drives me crazy.2. A new doll collection and a pink dollhouse This is where I put my foot down. No bone marrow of mine is g...
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The Stumbler: Part II
2007-04-22 02:51:00
Two days after graduating from high school in 2002, my friends and I went to Beach Week at Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. The Stumbler came, got drunk, and had stories to tell afterward?if only he could remember them. That?s where I come in.Our friend MrMountainDew stayed in the house directly across the street from us, so the two of us often hung-out there. Those were some crazy fucks. They actually drove all the way from Manassas, Virginia with a U-Haul trailer full of alcohol (mostly just Milwaukee?s Best.) It?s safe to say that some of them may also have trouble remembering.One of them brought two pairs of boxing gloves, so there were always people fighting. Of course, The Stumbler wanted in on this action at the peak of his intoxication. In a normal scenario we would all be straight-headed enough to know that he shouldn?t box in that state of mind. But, our logical reasoning was shot to hell. We really wanted to see a boxing match for the ages.The two fighters entered the sandy ...
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Window through Time
2007-04-17 01:53:00
Large windows, small windows, high-up windows, low to the ground windows, screened windows ? I looked through them all. Some windows stared at other parts of the hospital campus, whereas others watched over the world, waiting patiently for Nature to make her next move. I saw the complete cycle of seasons, from fall all the way back to fall again. The brief period of deciduous trees releasing their brilliant colors. The swirling of those colors in the cold air, before resting on the ground. The naked trees waiting for the winter to end so they can sprout back to life. The snow flurries that transform the sky into a white galaxy. The world seemingly coming to life, leaving the trees not-so-naked anymore. The steady rain that clinks against the window. The heavy rain that pounds against the window. The lightning that electrifies the window. The thunder that shakes the window. And then it starts all over again.Looking back at cancer #1, the anticipation of leaving the hospital and joini...
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New York's Finest
2007-04-11 15:55:00
WARNING: PUT THE CHILDREN TO BED BEFORE READINGIn my 3rd year at UVA I lived with three other guys. One of them, who we?ll call T-Unit, happened to be one of the coolest people I?ve ever met. T-Unit is a 30 year-old who grew up in low-income areas and went to some of the worst public schools in New York . Yet, he still managed to graduate from the second ranked undergraduate business program in the nation (UVA?s McIntire School of Commerce).We lived together when my academic laziness was nearly at its peak, so I spent much of my time in the living room watching TV. T-Unit had a sick ability to study and watch TV at the same time, so he often hung out with me. We?d have long conversations about everything, from politics to sports. From the outside it wouldn?t seem like we had anything in common: I?m white, he?s black, I?m short, he?s tall, I grew-up in the suburbs and he grew-up in the city. Maybe it was what I had gone through that allowed us to connect. He once gave me the ultimate ...
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Quasi-Writer
2007-04-06 18:20:00
Going into college my doctors advised me not to get stressed-out, and I had no trouble abiding by their recommendation.After my second cancer I took their advice to a whole new level. I decided that I wouldn?t allow anything, especially school, to stress me out physically or mentally. This had become my general attitude toward life since my original cancer, but now it reached a ridiculous level as I refused to sacrifice going to the gym, eating or watching TV for studying. I even had a rule that I wouldn?t let studying dig into my eight hours of sleep.In case you don?t believe me, my GPA speaks for itself:1st semester ? 3.17This was the only semester before cancer #2. Although it wasn?t up to my high school standards, a B+ average isn?t too bad.2nd semester ? 2.77B- average isn?t too good. I even had a reduced course load, taking only nine credits. But I had just finished beating cancer, again; cut me some slack.3rd semester ? 2.58Like I already said, my priorities were set. Academi...
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newspaper article: I've Still Got Both My Nuts
2007-04-03 17:43:00
This is an article I wrote for my school newspaper, The Cavalier Daily, which printed today. Notice the shameless self-promotion.I've still got both my nutsA true cancer blogBenjamin Rubenstein, Cavalier Daily PerspectiveWhen I was first diagnosed with cancer my junior year of high school, I never thought I would write about it. Take your licks and move on, I thought to myself. Some scars, a limp and a year later, that's exactly what I did -- I moved on.I joined the Key Club just like everyone else to boost my college resume (I only attended one meeting). I was elected parliamentarian of both Chess Club and "It's Academic," even though I still don't know what that word means. Sadly, my chess record by the end of the year was 0-19 and I failed to correctly answer a single question in "It's Academic" competitions. I wanted to be president of Quill & Scroll but didn't even show up to the election. Instead, I signed a paper that read, "Ben Rubenstein is running for president,"...
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The Stumbler
2007-03-29 07:49:00
One afternoon during the summer of 2002, before I went to college, I gave my friend The Stumble r a ride home from work. Right before I reached his driveway I saw a long, dark-colored snake on the other side of the road. I made a u-turn in an attempt to run him over, but he was gone by the time I got back. I fucking hate snakes.Our friend MrMountainDew was having people over that night, and we made it to his house around 8:00 PM. The Stumbler was taking a few shots from the bottle of Kentucky Gentleman Bourbon he brought, but seemed fine. Then, a few of the other guys decided to play power hour, a game where you take a shot of beer every minute for 60 minutes. This equates to anywhere between 5 and 8 beers, depending on how big the shot glass is.The Stumbler was reluctant to steal MrMountainDew?s beer, so he decided to play power hour with a mixture of bourbon and soda. He didn?t take a shot every minute, but he got damn close. By the end of the hour he was slurring, stumbling, and t...

book excerpt (3/3): Forever Sweet Sixteen
2007-03-24 15:47:00
Chapter 2: FOREVER SWEET SIXTEEN (part 3 of 3)Monday, September 18, 2000My parents and I drove to Washington Hospital Center early in the morning. I had an appointment to see Dr. M&M, and also to be the recipient of a needle biopsy. Washington Hospital Center, plain and simple, is in the ghetto. As I sat in the back of my dad?s 1996 Chevrolet Astro Minivan, or what I like to call the Big Red Box, I couldn?t help but notice the men sitting idle on their doorsteps. It reminded me of the movie Friday.Dr. M&M is a famous surgeon who was one of the first to do limb sparing operations for tumors. My grandma even saw him giving an interview on TV right before I met with him. ?I really like this guy,? she said.After an extremely long wait, he opened the door to my room with a slew of doctors. ?Hello Benjamin. Hello Mr. and Mrs. Rubenstein. I?m Dr. M&M, and these are some of my colleagues.??It?s nice to meet you,? his right-hand man, Dr. Phil, said.?Has anyone ever told you that you look...
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book excerpt (2/3): Forever Sweet Sixteen
2007-03-20 16:03:00
Chapter 2: FOREVER SWEET SIXTEEN (part 2 of 3)Thursday, September 14, 2000Before leaving school Thursday afternoon I talked to my friend Ink in the lobby. ?What are you doing later?? he asked.?I gotta go see that orthopedic guy.??Oh yeah, I forgot. What do you think he?ll say???He?ll probably tell me I have a dislocated hip or some shit,? I said jokingly.I met my mom at the doctor?s office after school. When he walked into the room he had me stand up and face her. I was butt-naked underneath the gown, so the whole situation was quite awkward. He pushed around my back and ass for over a minute as I stood there getting more and more nervous. Just say it?s a stress fracture! Quit fucking with me.Finally, after groping me for much longer than I felt was warranted, he said, ?Something is definitely growing there.? Growing there ? what the fuck does that mean? You want to clarify that?He then referred me to another orthopedic surgeon located in Washington, DC. ?Dr. M&M is one of the b...
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book excerpt (1/3): Forever Sweet Sixteen
2007-03-17 00:37:00
A certain individual said he wouldn't support me because he hadn't read any of my book. For that reason I've decided to share the second chapter to I've Still Got Both My Nuts: A True Cancer Story.My dad said to me, "If you run out of things to write for your blog, you could add chapters from your book. Nobody would even know."Although he was right, this will most likely be the only time I show segments from my book.Chapter 2: FOREVER SWEET SIXTEEN (part 1 of 3)If time was to stop and I was stuck at one age for the rest of my life, then I would want to stay 16 forever. The only two negatives at that time were not being the legal age to get into an R-rated movie, and the hip thing?I was 16 and over halfway through my sophomore year of high school in Northern Virginia when it started. I was on the tennis team, not because it was my favorite sport but because I wasn?t good enough to make soccer or baseball. In the first week of practice we had a round-robin tournament to determine ...
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March Madness
2007-03-13 19:35:00
On the first day of the NCAA Tournament in the 11th grade I was at home, sitting on my ass in front of the TV. Even if I was healthy that day I wouldn?t have gone to school. It was right before the first tip-off and I was pumped as hell. I had my bracket in one hand, thinking I had the money picks. A bag of Cheetos were in the other hand. Suddenly my phone rang.?Hello.??Hey Ben, have the games started yet???Is that you, PepperoniNip? Aren?t you in school???Yeah, I?m just calling from journalism class.??They have a phone in there? Damn.?I heard a voice in the background. It was my journalism teacher angrily asking PepperoniNip what the fuck he was doing, not in those words. ?I?m just talking to Ben about basketball.??Oh, okay,? my teacher replied.?Yeah, so they started yet?? he asked again.?Nah, but they?re about to.??I?m going to call back in 30 minutes for score updates, so don?t go anywhere.?It didn?t take me long to realize that people with cancer have the permission to do just a...
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Chemo Sprinkles
2007-03-10 18:10:00
So, you cut your arm and you don?t know what to do. You gashed it pretty good. Blood is dripping everywhere. The pain is substantial and you can?t stop the tears streaming down your cheeks. Here?s the good news ? with our brand-new product you?ll never have to worry about getting gangrene again.Just Sprinkle Some Chem o On It!*That?s right, folks. Nothing will survive the onslaught, let alone bacteria or even your own soft tissue.*warning: May or may not cause secondary infection which may or may not lead to limb amputation or death.Worried about getting your girl pregnant? Women, are you concerned about gaining weight from The Pill? Throw your worries out the window withJust Sprinkle Some Chemo On It!*Our odorless sprinkles go right on the balls, causing instant testicular explosion and sperm death. The lab rats in our experiment didn?t even feel it, and went on to live healthy, sexually active lives.*warning: Slow absorption may lead to genetic mutation in sperm. If they manage to ...