I've Still Got Both My Nuts: A True Cancer Blog

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My Hip CT Scan
2009-09-09 20:45:00
I received a CT scan to measure my leg length discrepancy resulting from my cancer surgery over eight and a half years ago. I know what my hip looks like?I've seen X-rays over the years. However, I had never seen this."This is science at its peak. It's incredible. How in the fuck am I still able to walk pain-free?" I wrote in an e-mail to my friend, Hamburgers. I attached the CT picture. "Don't worry, you can't make out my junk. It just looks like a bulge," I wrote.I clicked Send.Forty-five minutes later I peeked at the picture again, and realized I could enlarge it. I clicked the magnifying glass icon, and could now see my clearly defined genitalia. "I take it back?you can totally see my donger if you zoom in," I wrote back to Hamburgers. "I highly recommend you not zoom in, but your personal sexual desires are your own prerogative."So, that's what the "smudge" function is for, huh?
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Girls of Cancer: Miss August
2009-08-31 04:04:00
Adamari López ToroWe're only eight months into my Girls of Cancer Calendar and I?m already digging deep for cancer-surviving hotties. I blame this on Melissa Etheridge. Every time I search for famous cancer survivors, she pops up, and I?m forced to quit my efforts and gargle with Listerine?the brown, burning kind.My searches eventually led me to Adamari López Toro, a stunning Puerto Rican actress who has never appeared in American media and, unfortunately, has no relation to Benicio Del Toro. Adamari is famous for being in Mexican soap operas including Camila and the megahit, Amigas y Rivales. What, you haven?t seen them?Adamari is a favorite target for the paparazzi and gossip magazines. She was also featured in People en Español?s Los 50 Más Bellos (The 50 Most Beautiful) in 2007. I should have never stopped at Spanish 4.At 4 feet 10 inches, Adamari is, by some classifications, considered a little person. In 2005, she was diagnosed with ?stage 1? breast cancer and underwent surge...
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Push it to the Limit
2009-08-06 23:59:00
I set out with a seemingly simple goal: reduce my body fat to 8%. I expected the process to take two months. It ended up taking 18.I made quick progress in the first five months, when I eliminated processed foods and consumed more fruits and vegetables as part of a broader, healthier lifestyle change. I strictly counted my calories and had an iron will.I went to Bob Evans with my parents last summer and ordered one of the lowest-calorie entrées, and substituted vegetables for starch. I ate none of the rolls and biscuits. I even managed not to order strawberry shortcake, my favorite dessert.?Wow, that makes me kind of sad,? my friend, T2theZ, said after I told him.Food constantly occupied my mind, disrupting my work and, sometimes, my sleep. The stomach pain I could easily handle. It was my passion for food and taste that hurt.I had lost many pounds, and was confused why I hadn?t yet reached my goal. Only a few more weeks before you can eat whatever you desire, I?d continually assure...

Girls of Cancer: Miss July
2009-08-01 03:52:00
Geralyn LucasThe authorities in China would be pissed if they did a Google image search for Geralyn Lucas. She can be found completely topless on the first results page. No porno terms needed. I just made the day of my teenage male readers. And for everyone else?I swear I?m not a perv.Geralyn did a topless photo shoot for Self some years back while promoting her book, Why I Wore Lipstick. She was diagnosed with breast cancer when she was relatively young, twenty-seven years old, and had a mastectomy to remove the tumor. Her nipple was taken as part of the surgery, and she considered getting a cosmetic replacement, but instead went with a tattoo where her nipple used to be. Though I?m not condoning using the internet to view naked pictures, for those boys who just now reconsidered Googling her, shame on you! People come in all colors and sizes, and discrimination will not be tolerated simply because Geralyn lacks a nipple.Her memoir was recommended to me when I was querying literary ...
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My One Autumn with the Yankees
2009-07-18 16:10:00
My dad?s family stared at him, horrified. It was the spring of 1958, and their beloved Brooklyn Dodgers had just moved to Los Angeles, leaving them devastated. The relocation didn?t bother my dad as much as his parents and older sister. The rebellious thirteen-year-old proudly wore his brand-new New York Yankees jacket to the dinner table.My dad has always been a bit confused when it comes to team allegiance. He grew up a New York Giants fan, became a Redskins fan when he moved to the Washington area, but made my brother, JD, wear a Cowboys shirt when he was a little boy. JD would rather not talk about it.My dad?s NFL order of teams goes Redskins and then Giants, and he generally doesn?t mind the Cowboys. He?ll even root for the Giants when, toward the end of the season, a New York win will harm their divisional rival Redskins? chances of making the playoffs. ?It?s up to the Skins to get the job done,? he?ll say. ?Why would I root for the Chiefs over the Giants? I probably can?t nam...
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Girls of Cancer: Miss June
2009-06-29 17:09:00
Kylie MinogueCrikey is Australian-born Kylie Minogue attractive, despite how annoying her 2002 smash hit ?Can?t Get You out of My Head? was. Though I hadn?t heard of her until seven years ago, Kylie reached fame in Australia in the late ?80s with her role in a soap opera, and then as a singer. Kylie has sold over 60 million records and has a bronze statue in Melbourne, Australia, which is bowed to by horny teenage boys.Some of Kylie?s critics say she is a terrible singer, and that she uses her fame, revealing costumes, and sex symbol-status to cover up her lack of talent. I can?t agree or disagree ? the few times I caught part of the boring and highly unpopular show American Idol I thought singers were good when the panel claimed that they sucked. I do think Kylie?s music sucks though I?m also not her target audience. I was her target audience seven years ago when I considered purchasing a plane ticket to Melbourne, as well as a small rug to protect my knees on the concrete.Kylie wa...
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Men's Bathroom Etiquette
2009-06-22 20:53:00
?Keep your eyes on the wall,? Ho-Train said. ?No matter what, keep your eyes on the wall.?My friend, Ho-Train, was sharing his most important rule of the men?s bathroom in an article I wrote for my high school newspaper, The Yellow Jacket. Ho-Train?s quote was one of the few I used in my articles that I didn?t fabricate and randomly credit to classmates.More rules:No talking unless all the communicators are on the same plane: at the sink, urinal, or in the shitter. If you and your friend are peeing, and you finish before him, your conversation must pause until he rejoins you at the sink.Never touch handles with your palm.Take an end urinal if available. If possible, leave two unused urinals between you and the other dude, but no more than three or you risk looking like a pansy, with the exception of the end unit. If you have to saddle up next to another dude, keep your elbows tight. If you?re going to have to squeeze between two dudes, broach the urinal extremely slowly in the hope ...
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Twisted
2009-06-16 22:18:00
Meet Gregg Valentino, who clearly drinks his orange juice. He looks like a challah bread. I feel like I should eat him with my Manischewitz wine Friday night.

'Terminator' Misses Target... at First
2009-06-12 04:55:00
I knew something was off from the start. The theme song from 1984?s The Terminator had been tweaked for the previous two sequels, but nothing like this. Terminator Salvation director, McG, and his composer obliterated it. The theme song was the sole reason I tuned in to the first episode of the TV show, Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles. It was also the sole reason I changed the channel after five minutes, because the song was not in the show.The new installment to the Terminator series was disappointing. I can be nitpicky, like there was too little background music during the action scenes. But the dialogue was also very weak, and the acting fairly poor. For the second straight summer, Christian Bale was outdone by his costar. Sam Worthington ? is he human or something else? ? was the shining star of the film, receiving as many scenes as Bale, who played humanity?s savior, John Connor.We first saw John Connor?s character in 1991?s Terminator 2: Judgment Day as a boy played by...
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Water Fuzz
2009-06-05 03:12:00
While boating with friends during Memorial Day weekend, a police boat pulled us over. I considered taking my earplugs out, but then decided it would probably be best for me to play dumb. My four other friends had a long conversation with the two officers, far longer than I hoped for. The only thing I heard was the officer repeatedly say ?$2,500 fine.?I scrolled my friends? expressions to gauge if what I heard was correct. They seemed calm, certainly more relaxed than I was.I became impatient. I wanted the coppers to leave so I could find out what was going on. One of the officers was asking us what we did for a living. When the officer inquired about my profession, Mr. Mountain Dew said, ?Ben is?? Mr. Mountain Dew hadn?t a clue what I did or how to describe it. He looked at me and spoke loudly so I could hear. ?Ben, what do you do??I don?t even know what I do. I pulled it out of my ass: ?I?m a Junior Acquisition Specialist at a Government contractor that assists Government agencies ...
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Girls of Cancer: Miss May
2009-05-29 03:54:00
Suzanne SomersIs she best known for being on Three?s Company, Step by Step, or as the Thighmaster spokeswoman?Step by Step was one of the sitcoms on ABC?s fantastic TGIF Friday night lineup. As a kid, TGIF was as good as it got; so long as I could stay awake until the end of Hangin? with Mr. Cooper at 10:00 pm. Family Matters was the warm-up for Boy Meets World, the best of the bunch. So what if the nearly two-minute-long opening credits were the best part of Step by Step? That, and every scene with Patrick Duffy.Admittedly, I used to watch* syndicated episodes of Step by Step on ABC Family while eating lunch.*last yearSuzanne Somers was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2001. Following surgery and radiation, Suzanne forewent chemotherapy, part of the conventional regimen, and instead chose an alternative treatment consisting of injections of Iscador, an extract of mistletoe. I was getting chemotherapy for my first cancer at the time, and thought, Suzanne Somers is committing suicide....
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Enough is Enough
2009-05-22 03:39:00
PepperoniNip first spotted the snake next to the sidewalk. He recorded the snake slithering away, from an elevated position with an easy escape route, of course. I saw the footage. It was the largest snake I've seen not in a zoo or fucking with Samuel L. Jackson.Around this same time we heard baby birds near the oven in the kitchen. The oven fan vent leads to a hole on the side of the house, which used to be covered. The covering was gone and a bird's nest was in its place.One day I stopped hearing the baby birds.The next day I sat on the deck to read The Economist. I looked up at the hole in the wall and saw a dark, coiled, glistening figure protruding out of the hole. I couldn't see a head or tail, and wasn't sure what it was until it moved.The snake stayed there for a while. And then I checked and he was gone. I assumed he went to the grass where he could basque in the sun. PepperoniNip got up on a chair and peered in with a flashlight. The snake looked at him, his entire bod...

What If
2009-05-12 21:25:00
I won?t give too much away in case any of my readers hasn't been keeping up with Lost and plans to in the future. In the season finale this Wednesday, some Losties will try to change the course of time; erase the last three years like they never happened. Star Trek and Deja Vu can explain it better than I can, but I believe this phenomenon is known as a wormhole, or a tunnel in spacetime.What if I could travel in time from one point in spacetime to another, specifically to a point over nine years ago, before cancer?Before getting a chest Xray became instinctual: remove shirt, face white board and press chest against it, arms out to the sides, hold breath. Turn ninety degrees and raise arms above head, grab bar, press side against white board, hold breath.Before I memorized a hospital room in Minneapolis, the odd, concave wall to the left of the bathroom door, the long window with the deep sill that stored all of JD?s DVDs, the giant HEPA filter in the right corner of the ceiling th...

Girls of Cancer: Miss April
2009-04-30 23:17:00
Diem BrownI, a twenty-five-year-old male, watch both The Real World and Real World/Road Rules Challenge religiously. Both are reality show trash, but they are very addictive, especially the latter. Challenge is about a group of violent, HGH-filled, male chauvinists competing in physical competitions to win money. Some of these guys, like Alton and CT, are tremendous athletes. Women are involved, but mostly just to look good (some of the female competitors can kick the shit out of me in everything: darts, arm wrestling, color by number, etc.).Diem Brown was diagnosed with stage 2 ovarian cancer just after being selected to compete in Real World/Road Rules Challenge: Fresh Meat. Diem competed in a different challenge soon after surviving her often deadly disease (advanced ovarian cancer has a 70% kill rate). Diem?s peach fuzz brown hair was just budding, and she wore a hat all the time. During one water-related competition, Diem removed her hat, sobbing wildly. It was touching?or some...
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My Little Kindygartener
2009-04-23 22:29:00
My bone marrow turns six years old tomorrow. She?s grown up so fast. I have a photo album with pictures of her biggest moments: her first crawl, her first curse word, her first viral infection. I still think she got that on purpose when I made her watch Scarface instead of 27 Dresses.She was going to make a birthday list, similar to the one she made two years ago, but I told her there won?t be any gifts this year because of the poor economy. Then she said that prices have gone down, almost to the point of deflation, and that I entered the market when the Dow was nearly 7,000, and with my good credit and low interest rates I can buy her pretty much anything. That little macroeconomist bitch.I try to rear my bone marrow right, but it?s tough being a single host. I eat raw vegetables because I know they?re good for her despite the wretched odor that exits my anus, which, by the way, she doesn?t have to deal with. She says she doesn?t like broccoli and would prefer mushrooms, but she kn...

Folex
2009-04-14 04:33:00
My dad wore a black, digital, waterproof Timex, everywhere: to the grocery store, to the swimming pool, to work. When the band finally broke after years of constant use, he carried the timepiece in his pocket. He could?ve replaced the band, but that would?ve cost more than a new Timex.And then my dad laid his eyes on a bright, shiny, red Timex. He demoted his old timepiece to knock-around use only and the red Timex became part of his black-tie attire. My dad loved his two Timexes. I can?t remember him not wearing (or pocketing) one.So I found it odd when, while at a meeting with my dad (I got a new job working at his company), I looked at his wrist and he was not wearing his Timex. He was wearing a watch, but it wasn?t even digital. I looked closer. Black leather, or fake leather, band. Is there such a thing as fake leather? Large, round timepiece, with a silver-colored border.?Dad, what happened to your old Timex???Well, you know Benjy, I was looking through JD?s old desk drawer an...

Girls of Cancer Charity: Miss Virginia
2009-04-11 17:46:00
Tara Wheeler It was probably the dumbest question to ask Miss Virginia 2008, seeing that we're no longer in the year 2008: "Did you get to compete in Miss America?""...Yes.""How did you do?""I didn't win."I got a Facebook invite to see Tara Wheeler at a Crystal City restaurant, where she was raising money for St. Baldrick's Foundation for pediatric cancer research. A $10 donation got me free food and two raffle tickets. I won a fancy dish.Miss Virginia went to my high school, though I didn't know who she was. T2theZ and Ern-Diggity were in the science program with her, and they were all friends. After Tara chatted with the three of us, I informed T2theZ and Ern-Diggity that I had never met Tara. So, Ern-Diggity brough Tara back to our table and introduced us."This is Ben, by the way. He has a blog.""Something about 'My Balls,' right?" she asked.Holy shit Miss Virginia knows about my blog. Holy shit she is in the Facebook group I created for my blog.If Tara raises $500,000 by t...
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Girls of Cancer: Miss March
2009-03-31 17:11:00
Farrah FawcettI?ve never seen her in Charlie?s Angels or anything else for that matter, but I can still guarantee Farrah Fawcett is better than Drew Barrymore because Drew Barrymore sucks.Farrah doesn?t have a very extensive acting résumé. Let me clarify: The Internet Movie Database lists 57 movies and shows she?s been in ? I?ve just never heard of most of them. She was a permanent member of the Charlie?s Angels cast for just one full season. It is not fully known why she left the show, but she likely thought she?d be a huge movie star. Her stint at Charlie?s Angels coincided with the release of her poster, which sold an absurd 12 million copies and led to an international hairdo trend. Can we please bring that shit back?Farrah was in Playboy in 1995 and 1997, which caused a stir because of her previous opposition to nude pictorials. Some didn?t seem to mind, though, as the 1995 issue sold 4 million copies and was the top seller in that decade. I?m not sure how much credence I give ...
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My Publishing Circus
2009-03-21 15:52:00
July 2004: I begin writing a book. I was a good writer in the third grade when my mom signed me up for an after-school creative writing class. I wrote a great story about Scottie Pippen complete with an illustration. I haven?t written much since. I read one or two books a year. My vocabulary has steadily gone down since age eight.October 2004: I am 8,000 words into my book, and expect to complete it within a few months. I envision fame, fortune and girls. Lots and lots of girls.December 2004: PingPongGirl agrees to help me with my book. She is ecstatic and honored that I asked for her assistance. PingPongGirl got 1380 on her first try on the SATs and reads above a third-grade level, though that was not a requirement for reading my rough draft, which belonged in a kindergartener?s marble composition book.Later December 2004: PingPongGirl regrets getting involved after reading my first section. ?Crap, crap, crap?um, okay?Let?s start with this,? is her initial reaction, probably referr...
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Up with Hope, Down with Dope
2009-03-17 04:06:00
I know a guy called Dude. Dude had smoked the illicit substance, marijuana, close to a dozen times without feeling its psychoactive effects. Dude thought he must be immune to Tetrahydrocannabinol. Dude was wrong.He was sitting on the couch between two roommates. Dude?s right arm went number. He swung his arm in a windmill motion to regain feeling. ?Hey guys, I can?t feel my arm,? Dude said. His friends ignored him, carried their own conversation, knowing, having seen this odd behavior before.Dude did not like being ignored. He went to the bathroom, and after washing his hands, looked at his eyes in the mirror. His irises were being smothered by the pupils, overtaken, completely black. He rushed to consult his friends. They laughed at him, and then went to sleep, leaving him alone to his couch and his television. Dude did not like being laughed at. He liked being left alone even less.He locked the front and glass patio doors. He double- and triple-checked them to make sure they were ...
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Out with the Cold, In with the New
2009-03-01 02:24:00
"Stay here. Stay here as long as you can." - Billy MadisonI used to love cold weather, the way the air feels crisp in your lungs, and the way your breath produces a cloud because the thin air becomes saturated with moisture ? it lets you know you really exist. I liked the bare trees that swayed with the wind, and how I could look across the woods and see all the way to Zeke?s street. I liked walking through the woods, not having to worry about insects or snakes or other nasty critters. I liked feeling secure under my thick sweatshirt and favorite blue Nike knit hat.My friends, brother and I would pour onto the fields and basketball courts. Video games would be played, too, but when during the year were they not played? And when it snowed or iced, the beauty was only surpassed by our joy sledding and playing in it.As kids, we drooled when the weatherman predicted snow. We?d watch The Weather Channel just to see the local weather report on the 8s, like we waited through the entire epi...
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Happy Valentine's Day, Mom
2009-02-14 14:30:00
My roommate bought roses for his girlfriend. "How much did you spend?like $30?" I asked. "Yeah right," he said. "Try close to a hundo." "One-hundred dollars just for flowers?" "...And a balloon." What is it with girls and flowers? For that much money, I could buy a year's worth of chocolate or make a significant contribution to my mutual fund. Flowers aren't nearly as appealing to the senses as chocolate, and also won't give you the ability to buy twice as many flowers eight years from now. Flowers are a worthless gift, withering away in a matter of days, giving a pleasant odor only when placed directly under the nose, and resembling every other plant life outside my home, with the exception of being red. If it means that much, I'll paint some brushes. Flowers are dangerous, too. They can breed fungus that can release spores that can cause fungal pneumonia that can lead to death. ********** I'd like to wish my mother a Happy Valentine's Day. She's been having a rough ti...

Girls of Cancer: Miss February
2009-02-10 03:18:00
Sheryl CrowClearly, Lance Armstrong gave Sheryl Crow cancer. How else can you explain her breast cancer diagnosis occurring less than a month after their engagement break-off?Sheryl Crow became famous in the early 90s with hits like "All I Wanna Do." Her music is often considered rock, though I think it's more like pop. I wasn't a huge fan of hers, mostly because I frowned upon pop music until my mid-teens when I started buying Britney Spears, Backstreet Boys, and ?N Sync albums. That really shouldn?t be public knowledge.Sheryl Crow recorded a cover version of the Guns N? Roses song "Sweet Child o? Mine," she was Michael Jackson?s backup singer in the late 80s, and dabbled with acting. Like all rock stars, Sheryl has smoked some weed, dealt with depression, and been rumored to have had an affair with Eric Clapton. She wasn't tempting enough for The Boss and instead had to settle for Rolling Stone's 53rd Greatest Artist of All Time.Sheryl may best be known for her attempts to rai...
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The Four Questions
2009-02-06 03:42:00
Passover begins in two months, and unfortunately since Aunt Flojo will be away, she and my dad won't be able to sing their seemingly nine-hour sequence of songs at the seder: Adir Hu, Echad Mi Yodea, L'shana Ha'ba'ah, and of course Chad Gadya (One Little Goat). I will likely be the youngest at the seder, as usual, and thus will be the one to wash my hands countless times and be expected to chant The Four Questions in Hebrew. I forgot how to chant them ten years ago and will either follow the lead of others, or mumble.Many people diagnosed with cancer ask, "Why me?" but I didn't, and as a survivor I've found other more worthwhile and potentially scientifically explainable questions to ponder:Why does cancer metastasize in some and not others? (Personal: Why did my cancer stay localized even after waiting six months to see a doctor after my initial bout of pain?)Why do some people respond to treatment, and others don't? (Personal: Why did my tumor die and shrink after only one ...

What Trickles Through Us
2009-01-25 23:10:00
Inspired by the short story, ?The Things They Carried? by Tim O'Brien, Esquire 1987. The numbers come from memory.Drip, drip, drip. Etoposide, a clear liquid, 365 milliliters infused over 60 minutes. Ifosfamide, another clear liquid, another 365 milliliters infused over 60 minutes. Each day 730 milliliters, over 5 days 3,650 milliliters, over 8 cycles 29,200 milliliters. 29.2 liters, 7.7 gallons.Drip, drip, drip. Vincristine, a clear liquid pushed through a small syringe. Doxorubicin, brand name Adriamycin, an orange-red liquid, 30 milliliters pushed through a syringe over a 15-minute period. Cyclophosphamide, brand name Cytoxan, a clear liquid, 200 milliliters infused over an hour. 2 days, 6 cycles, 2,760+ milliliters, 2.76 liters, 0.7 gallon.The drips come from the bag of anti-tumor drug known as chemotherapy hanging on the pole next to us, and then enter a tube fed through an IV pump and sent to our hearts. We count the drips and study their pace. Some stagger, clump together an...

Road Trippin': A Picture Story
2008-06-04 05:25:00
"If it's possible for a car not to have an amenity, then mine doesn't," I said to my lone compadre, T2theZ. I had to see Dr. Andre Million in Minneapolis for my five-year transplant anniversary. There's no better way to do it than travel the country and see baseball games, even if your car doesn't have power windows, cruise control or even mirrors on the visors.We kicked off our trip with an appetizer, a quick hop on the Metro to the brand-new Nationals Park. I won't say it's as nice as Camden Yards, but it gets damn close.The high-definition scoreboard is over 100 feet long.If you think that's a good mowing job then you should check out my lawn.Poor Teddy Roosevelt never wins the presidents race.Nice view of the Capitol.It's sad that nobody shows up. If only the Nationals were better, or if the whole roster was a bunch of Ryan Zimmermans.Whoever said Pittsburgh was a dirty city?This isn't even half the bridges.Ah, the big ketchup bottle.I fucking hate snakes.Again, stadium...
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The Lawn Mower
2008-05-20 06:02:00
I hold down the lever and yank back on the chord as I hear the rumbling, feel the vibrating in my hands. The lawn mower shakes off brown dust the way a dog shakes off water. It roars at me in anticipation of the blades of grass it will soon eat. The mower knows it is time for its weekly meal. It is Saturday.My dad wants me to use the riding lawn mower, but for two reasons I don?t: I enjoy the walking, the pushing. The act of being the mower. Also, when I was younger I tried the rider and I couldn?t reach the brake and almost collided with my mom?s car.For years I mowed with this same push mower ? a professional, I called myself. Then, abruptly, I stopped mowing because my left hip was removed and I could no longer walk. It was my job, my duty, my responsibility no more. For years I was used to someone else using my lawn mower, or worse, not using it and instead relying on the riding mower.It was not easy getting my job back, not because my dad loved mowing so much, but because he di...

In Yo Face, Will Smith
2008-05-12 03:16:00
It took Will Smith just a few minutes to complete the Rubik?s Cube in The Pursuit of Happyness while it took me 18 years. That makes me 3 million times smarter than him, 17% of the time. Think about it.I still remember me and my brother playing with it when we visited my dad?s friend, Coach, when we were youngsters. If only we knew to match the colors instead of make smiley faces.Last year my roommate, Mr. Mountain Dew, practiced the Rubik's Cube so many times he could finish without the instructions. I could tie my Velcro shoes without instructions. That was obviously more impressive.On two separate occasions I reached the next-to-last step and then fucked it up. It took over four hours each time. I vowed to finish the cube one day, then cross it off my list of life goals, just like I did for the Hell level of difficulty for Sudoku.Each is officially checked off. Getting as ripped as Will Smith is next.
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If We Fightin', We Fightin'
2008-05-07 22:32:00
"Bosssss-tuuuuun!" we screamed countless times on the way to Boston last January to visit our old roommate, T-Unit. Mr. Mountain Dew and I had been meaning to pay him a visit for over a year. Vodka/Benadryl tagged along because, honestly, who wouldn't want to hang out with T-Unit?T-Unit's two-year-old son was excited to see us, and showed off by running around the house until snot poured from his nose and he could barely breathe. Unfortunately, he had a cold. Lil? T-Unit wanted to touch me and I looked at him like he was nuts. "Don't you know that sharing your microorganisms will spread your respiratory viral infection?" I asked him. He understood. Lil? T-Unit is so smart.My other friend, Zeke, still kept in touch with a girl we met at spring break in Mexico almost a year before named Kandy. She lived in Boston, so I asked Zeke for her number. I called Kandy the second night we were there. "Hey, it's Ben Rubenstein.""?Who?""From spring break last year.""?Who?""Remember, we went ...

f*©k cancer
2008-05-02 06:57:00
As part of my five-year cancer-free celebration, I attended the drunken debauchery known as the Foxfield Races in Charlottesville. Unfortunately, this year I didn?t get to see anybody passed out on the ground, but I did see girls squatting to pee. Some squatted and faced toward instead of away from people. Those were the special* ones.*completely sloshedThe piss troughs are where the real excitement is. I?ve never had the opportunity to witness guys do trough slides ? frolicking through a shallow pool of urine collected from hundreds of dudes? johnsons. Last year a guy dropped his sunglasses in the massive urinal while he was pissing. Everyone started chanting, ?PUT THEM ON! PUT THEM ON!? Sure enough, he reached into the piss, grabbed his sunglasses and put them right back on his head. Don?t worry ? urine is sterile and good for the skin.The good people at Cancer FreeTees.com also contributed to the celebration by sending me one of their t-shirts. I should?ve worn it to Foxfield. It ...