I've Still Got Both My Nuts: A True Cancer Blog

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Passed Away Resulting from Cancer: Poh Nikbar December
2012-01-01 00:08:00
Ed Gein Bullied as a boy and abused by his mother, Ed Gein developed abnormally. It is sad when a child begins life with such a handicap. It is also sad that he died of cancer. Though I would never wish cancer on anyone and before your eyes well up for the last time in 2011, note that Ed Gein was the inspiration behind the fictional serial killers Norman Bates from Psycho, Leatherface from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and Buffalo Bill from The Silence of the Lambs. Gein was obsessed with sex, female anatomy, Nazi experiments, necrophilia and cannibalism. As a suspect for a missing woman, authorities found the following in Gein?s home: Four noses Whole human bones and fragments Nine masks of human skin Bowls made from human skulls Ten female heads with the tops sawn off Human skin covering several chair seats Mary Hogan's head in a paper bag Bernice Worden's head in a burlap sack Nine vulvae in a shoe box A belt made from female human nipples Skulls on his bedposts A pair of lips...
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Freebies
2011-12-23 17:39:00
Sec-Z-Bec and I sometimes revisit our ?Top 3 Favorite Things.? The discussion is lighthearted, but I?ve noticed two of my favorites change while one remains: fame, which in this instance is mostly unselfish. My cancer tale inspires people. This electrifies me, and the more famous I am the more people I can touch. Sharing my story has been the greatest benefit of my published book, and one of my most rewarding experiences. I did not have this foresight while writing my book. The greatest benefit I had hoped for was fame, though not to provide the opportunity to help others or even for wealth, but for lots of girls. Success here, if defined not by quantity but rather quality, is striking: I developed a close friendship with a special girl and never would have without Twice. Many friends know I can be a free rider, so it won?t be surprising to hear that another great benefit of Twice has been these freebies: Author John Bowe and I bartered Twice for Nobodies. Bowe?s eye-opening bo...
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The Hitchhiker
2011-12-20 22:08:00
I had just taken a field trip to the Holocaust Memorial Museum in my twelfth grade gifted education class. My mind still back there as I pumped gas on my way home?picturing the mound of dead Jews? shoes or videos of medical experiments?a stranger approached me. He was a few years older, slim, dressed warm, and staring. ?Can I help you?? I said. ?Could you drive me to the shelter?? the alcohol scent was pungent. ?Um, I?m on my way home for dinner.? ?It?s just down by Hoyts Theater.? ?That?s 15 minutes in the opposite direction that I?m headed.? ?Come on, man, I need somewhere to sleep, man.? ?Um, ok.? I finished pumping and began driving. ?'Precciate the ride. Got any money?? I had never been beaten, robbed, or held at gunpoint, and I considered one or all may happen on behalf of my first hitchhiker. I knew I hadn?t a single bill in my wallet, but pretended to check just so he believed me. ?Sorry, I?ve got nothing except some change,? I said, pointing to the middle compartme...

Bolt Up
2011-12-18 04:44:00
T2theZ and I visited San Diego three months ago. I had had a voucher for a free round-trip ticket to anywhere in the CONUS, thanks to an overbooked flight home from Zeke?s Vegas bachelor party. And T2theZ is the king of cheap travel and collecting United airline miles. So we chose ?America?s Finest City,? with Cleveland the runner-up. Arm sleeve tattoos are common here We stayed with T2theZ?s friend in Pacific Beach (P.B.). The doors were never locked, plants grew uncontrolled, and her male roommate was rarely fully-clothed. San Diegans work, worry and hurry less, dress in unique style, and eat burritos for breakfast. The atmosphere in the west coast is rejuvenating, beyond the abundant sunshine. That includes people?s friendliness and widespread smiles. My three simple requirements for a trip are consuming good food, good beer, and meeting good people. At a backyard bar-b-q I chatted with a pretty blond. ?I visited DC once. There was too much cursing!? she said. I laughed, rem...

Subway: Colon Fresh
2011-12-13 02:11:00
Last Monday I eat half of a three-day-old buffalo chicken Subway sandwich. Immediately I feel nauseous. My body has trained itself to stave off vomit, despite my desire to get it over with, so for three hours I sit in agony at my desk. I?ve vomited in many different places, but never at work: it is time to pull the trigger. I enter a single-stall bathroom: occupied. Another: occupied. I walk upstairs to the bigger facility: empty. I enter the end stall, place a small tree-worth of paper towels on the ground and around the bowl, and drop to my knees. Just before I go for the finger, someone walks in to get his own relief. I leave and return later. Empty now, I go for it. Finger in mouth, gag reflex, come on puke! It doesn?t work, an outcome I haven?t experienced before. This Subway is stubborn. I go home early and sit in my La-Z-Boy motionless, watching Monday Night Football coverage for hours. Finally as I watch Blaine Gabbert cause similar nausea for Jaguars fans, it comes rapid...
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Passed Away Resulting from Cancer: Poh Nikbar November
2011-12-02 05:43:00
Peter Jennings My parents have always watched news during dinner. National news anchors rarely change, and when they do?or when the ratings leader gets overtaken?the blogosphere erupts as if Kim Kardashian?s seventh cousin twice removed was spotted on the street. My parents are loyal, following just four anchors throughout my life: Diane Sawyer; Charles Gibson; Bob Schieffer, an old-timer who we thought rocked; and Peter Jennings. Jennings hosted ABC?s World News Tonight for 22 years, a feat only trumped by his 34-letter name: Peter Charles Archibald Ewart Jennings. In case "Archibald? doesn?t do it for you, Jennings dominated nightly news, winning 16 Emmy?s and 2 Peabody Awards. He also earned Canada?s highest civilian honor, along with Sue Johanson, host of Sunday Night Sex Show. A true national prize. Jennings didn?t escape without criticism: Toby Keith and Rush Limbaugh slammed him real good. Additionally, an interesting study demonstrated how Jennings? expressions were politi...
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Holiday Donations
2011-11-28 22:03:00
While attending the University of Virginia I spotted an ad for a cat allergy study. I had developed an allergy to felines and most everything else after my stem cell transplant, presumably from my anonymous donor. I participated in the study by donating blood for $85. It was the second easiest money-making opportunity of my life, behind betting Omega that UVA would beat William & Mary in football three months ago. I expected to participate in the follow-up study for additional money, but my allergies were too robust, making my blood unuseful. That study leads me to wonder what other bodily fluids I can donate for cash. I?ve received so many drugs, and had so many diseases, that surely labs everywhere want to study me. Here are the top five studies I?m keeping an eye out for: Transgender DNA: It?s Not a Choice! My anonymous umbilical cord stem cell donor was female. So not only has my blood type changed, but the DNA of my stem cells now have the same sex chromosome (XX). Let ...
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My Redskins Photo Shoot
2011-11-23 17:26:00
I was invited to accompany patients from Children?s National Medical Center to the Redskins game against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers last December 12. It was cold and rainy, but fortunately when you are in the elements with cancer patients, the hospital staff tends to bring extra ponchos, gloves, blankets, and sneaked-in water and snacks. The Skins dominated the first half with Ryan Torain rushing for 158 yards, though Gano missed two field goals of 34 and 24 yards. But, they?re the Redskins, and allowed Tampa to take the lead with under four minutes left. We left our seats in the fourth quarter and caught the end of the game on a TV inside the stadium. In a bizarre event, the scoreboard showed the incorrect down. Our group huddled together wondering if the game was over, confused, when McNabb threw possibly his only non-bounce pass of the game to Santana Moss for a touchdown with seconds left. The Redskins were down by one point. ?They should try a two-point conversion because Gano...
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Movember
2011-11-19 05:51:00
"I heard November is when guys grow mustaches for prostate cancer awareness," I said to JD last month. "I think it's called "Movember." "That doesn't make sense," he said. "It seems like it would be called 'Stachevember' or 'Nobeardvember." "Good point. I must've heard wrong." Apparently not: Movember: an event started by Australian men to raise awareness for men's health issues via the growth of mustaches which inevitably lead to conversation about the origin and purpose of said mustaches. Here are the rules: Once registered at movember.com each mo bro must begin the 1st of Movember with a clean shaven face. For the entire month of Movember each mo bro must grow and groom a moustache. There is to be no joining of the mo to your side burns. (That?s considered a beard.) There is to be no joining of the handlebars to your chin. (That?s considered a goatee.) Each mo bro must conduct himself like a true country gentleman. Except for unfortunate bros with alopecia areata and m...

I Am a Cancer Survivor (Part IV of IV)
2011-11-10 01:30:00
Read these first: I Am a Cancer Survivor (Part I of IV) I Am a Cancer Survivor (Part II of IV) I Am a Cancer Survivor (Part III of IV) ?Don?t talk about death, I got too much life to live? ? Ice Cube & Krayzie Bone, Until We Rich In our final counseling session, Shari and I speak more about the future than the past: jobs, girls, growing up. ?I don?t want to see you in a suckass job with no relationship,? she says. We say goodbye, hug each other, and I leave. It is a warm, cloudy, spring afternoon when I step outside. The sky is gray, the leaves are green, and oriole birds are out in search of food and mates. I look across Emmet Street at the old, brown brick building, Newcomb Hall, which looks like all the other old buildings at UVA. Students are walking around campus, studying under the trees, at one with nature, just as Thomas Jefferson would have liked. I am reminded of the day I stepped out of the hospital in Minnesota and saw my dad standing near his beloved minivan, eage...

I Am a Cancer Survivor (Part III of IV)
2011-11-09 01:30:00
Read these first: I Am a Cancer Survivor (Part I of IV) I Am a Cancer Survivor (Part II of IV) ?Once upon a time I could take anything? ? Rise Against, This is Letting Go In my final year at the University of Virginia I took Problems of Personal Adjustment, a supposed gut class. I had to get counseling for my class project?that?s how I justified it. Otherwise I?d be admitting that I was a pussy, one of those people who can?t deal with cancer. Shari?a petite, dirty blond mother of two young girls?was my counselor. Before seeing her I would?ve rather been forced to sit through a Barbara Streisand concert than spend one second with a counselor. Shari thinks I went numb. ?Dealing with cancer can be so overwhelming that we turn off emotions until we get through it. But it doesn?t seem to be working anymore, does it?? Shari challenged me with questions, and I was learning more of me that I didn?t know was there. Even when my class requirement was met, I kept coming. ?If you were force...

I Am a Cancer Survivor (Part II of IV)
2011-11-08 01:30:00
Read this first: I Am a Cancer Survivor (Part I of IV) ?I'll show you mine if you show me yours firstLet's compare scars, I'll tell you whose is worse? ? Rise Against, Swing Life Away There used to be a correct answer for my hip?perform my exercises, and push through the pain. Knowing that I would never play tackle football again didn?t mean I couldn?t try. Things changed years ago, when exercise was no longer the answer, and could have been detrimental. There is no way of knowing how much is too much or not enough. I strive to live a healthy lifestyle. I choose poultry and fresh fruit over beef and processed snacks. I exercise like a maniac and am well-rested. I regularly research healthier ways to live. I also gravitate toward a Gus Burger?a greasy hamburger topped with a fried egg?and a whole box of Thin Mint cookies for dessert. I want to stay up drinking myself stupid every Friday and Saturday night. My desire for normalcy causes me to question my new lifestyle. My desire...

I Am a Cancer Survivor (Part I of IV)
2011-11-07 01:30:00
Continued from ?My Cancer Story": So Far Away (Part III of III) Read "My Cancer Story" from the beginning: The Golden Age (Part I of III) ?The best thing in life is health? ? Ice Cube & Krayzie Bone, Until We Rich My crystal ball displays someone familiar?it?s Benjamin Rubenstein, but he?s different. I see him as a junior in high school with a huge He-Bro out on the tennis court. He?s wearing a headband to keep his long, corkscrew curls out of his eyes. Does he know how ridiculous he looks? He?s playing Froddy, who broke another racket. Yep, Ben just secured the number two spot on the varsity tennis team. Ben is talking to Mr. Spunkmeyer now, requesting a college letter of recommendation. Ben wants to follow his big brother and attend Virginia Tech. His mom pushes him toward the University of Virginia, but his grades are subpar. In the meantime, he?s enjoying high school and doesn?t want to leave. He continues playing neighborhood football after school each day, and still...
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Special Blog Story Sunday, Nov 6, at 7:30 pm ET
2011-10-31 00:44:00
Sarah Palin reminds you to visit this blog next Sunday , November 6, 2011, at 7:30 pm ET to read Part I of the "My Cancer Story " finale. "My Cancer Story" can be found by scrolling down the right side of this blog a little ways, or click here to read from the beginning. If you want to receive this powerful story automatically and without having to think?e.g. Palin-style if she were literate?then subscribe easily and for free to the RSS feed or by email. Part II will be posted one day later, on Monday, November 7, at 7:30 pm ET, and so on until "My Cancer Story" culminates in its Palincredible conclusion. See you next week. My StatCounter better show some Russian visitors.
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Passed Away Resulting from Cancer: Poh Nikbar October
2011-10-30 17:24:00
?What are they gonna say about him? What are they gonna say? That he was a kind man? That he was a wise man? That he had plans, man? That he had wisdom? Bullshit, man!? ? Dennis Hopper, Apocalypse Now Dennis Hopper Man, I was shocked to hear the rumor that Dennis Hopper was stoned while filming Francis Ford Coppola?s Apocalypse Now, which is widely considered a top-50 film of all time. Man, he seemed so normal, man, with his long hair and wackjob rants, not to mention the film's trippy cinematography and plot. Hopper?s acting career consisted of over 200 movies including the best sports film, Hoosiers, in which he was nominated for an Academy Award for playing a passionate drunk. He excelled as a villain. He was the bad guy in 24 (never cross Jack Bauer, man) and Speed, opposite the God of Acting Keanu Reeves and also one of my favorite movies. Of all his movies including Apocalypse and Easy Rider?also considered in the top 100?it is Speed that Hopper is best known for according t...
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Official Book Trailer for "Twice" by Benjamin Rubenstein
2011-10-27 04:30:00
I'm pleased to announce the release of the official trailer for my book, Twice: How I Became a Cancer-Slaying Super Man Before I Turned 21. It can also be seen on my YouTube channel, YouTube.com/benrubenstein.
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The Baby Experiment
2011-10-17 03:27:00
I visited my college friend, Barfman, who lives in Annapolis and works at The United States Naval Academy. The dormitory looks like mine at UVA, only the opposite Barfman has a seven-month-old little human, a.k.a. baby boy. I enjoyed spending time with this curious little human. He is intrigued by the world around him, likes to smile, make gibberish sounds, and lick my feet. Barfman has significant power over how this little human will turn out, and I would like to experiment with it. If we (what, I don't have any say?) decide he should be outgoing, then we let him roam around and hope he doesn't get lost or eaten. If we want him to be a cagefighter then we let him play with toys until he inevitably injures himself, and then reward that behavior with puréed squash and luxurious diapers. This could be so much fun. When I mentioned how cool it was that he has so much control over his little human, Barfman agreed but added, "In many ways he controls my life."
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The Most Interesting Organ in the World
2011-10-12 16:10:00
Following my bone marrow transplant in 2003, my body went haywire. For example, the orifice meant to expel solid waste went in favor of a viscosity close to water, and the orifice meant to expel liquid decided to shoot blood clots instead. My liver stopped working properly, and I was left with gallstones and sludge in my gallbladder. The gallbladder is a small organ near the liver that stores bile to help break down fatty foods. The bile originally comes from the liver. Unless you eat fried chicken tenders every day, it is not critical and can usually be removed without causing problems. Gallstones are harmless unless one gets lodged and causes inflammation. Beyond the possibility that this leads to potentially life-threatening emergencies, it is also one of my top-ten all-time pains. Remembering what I said before about where I excreted solid objects will give you an idea of the level of pain. My first gallbladder attack occurred when I was still recovering from my transpla...
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Birthright Israel: We?re Coming Back (Part IV of ?)
2011-10-09 23:36:00
Read these first: Birthright Israel : We?re Coming Back (Part I of ?) Birthright Israel: We?re Coming Back (Part II of ?) Birthright Israel: We're Coming Back (Part III of ?) At the Golan Heights overlooking Syria I learned how Israel gained control of the Golan Heights, and how Syria uses a captured Israeli soldier named Gilad Shalit to negotiate back ownership. Israel considers this an option*. Our tour guide tried withholding bias throughout the trip, but here he couldn?t abstain: Syria may agree to peace, but once Israel relinquishes the Golan Heights then Syria would require something else for real peace. The cycle could continue. * other aspects of negotiation, and other potential negotiations, not named here I learned the value of a life. The parents of Gilad Shalit host strangers in their home?more like a living memorial?to pray for the safe return of their kidnapped son. He has been gone for over 1,900 days and counting. And sadly, Israel?s enemies use this against it, ...

My Book is Now ?50/50? Toward Becoming a Movie
2011-10-04 05:53:00
?Well, probably closer to 1/99, but the new film starring Joseph Gordon-Levitt strengthened my book?s chances. I saw it tonight with my friend, Republican, because it seems like a requirement for me to see all the cancer movies since I have a published cancer memoir and would love for it to become a film. 50/50 was well-done, and real. There were some big laughs, and the dramatic moments were unforced. Gordon-Levitt played the role of a typical twenty-something male with cancer spot-on, and I contend he should be nominated for a ?best lead actor? award. It was pleasant to see another cancer media besides my book that isn?t sappy Lifetime-bound. According to boxofficemojo.com, the production budget for 50/50 was $8 million, which it has already earned in its opening weekend, making it well on its way to profitability (though, I do not know if that budget includes advertising). This is important because everything revolves around the Benjamins, and if this movie can be profitable t...
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Passed Away Resulting from Cancer: Poh Nikbar September
2011-10-02 05:59:00
Rich Cronin I own many hundreds of CDs, and I purchased more than half of them. My musical taste covers most genres, except opera, bluegrass, and Rebecca Black. I rarely hold back in my book or this blog, and I?m not about to now: I purchased seven albums by Britney, NSync, Backstreet, O-Town, and LFO. I expect my friend PepperoniNip to post a comment berating me, but just know that he also burned me one more NSync and one LFO album. LFO was kind of the shit, and not simply because Jennifer Love Hewitt was in their ?Girl on TV? video. Their lyrics were incredible: ?You're the best girl that I ever did see/ The great Larry Bird Jersey 33,? and, ?When I met you I said my name was Rich/ You look like a girl from Abercrombie and Fitch.? I listened to their self-titled album on repeat on the plane ride to my first Israel trip, just before cancer. I?m sure Hewitt was on repeat in my mind, too. The following summer I listened to their Life Is Good album to and from my radiation sessions...
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Swag
2011-09-30 07:38:00
I was totally smitten over a girl who did not see me the same way. I?ve been accustomed to the amusing, self-deprecating sort of rejection, but this has weighed heavily and I have lost my swagger, my moxie, my arrogant cancerslayer aura. To get it back I must watch hundreds of hours of old wrestling footage of The Rock, and practice ?The People?s Eyebrow? for even longer. Although I suspect that method would work, as a galaxy-renowned author and motivational speaker I have too much pride to mimic a dude who wears tights. Instead, I will eliminate all visual body fat. Then, and only then, will I get my swag back. I?ve been writing about this goal for far too long without accomplishing it. I apologize for that. But now I must succeed in order to feel like Ben-Jammin again. I?m spinning every morning while watching The Wire. My injured foot is healed enough to climb stairs. I plan to add a new weightlifting supplement beyond my usual egg protein, like nitric oxide or L-arginine. I wi...

Staring at the Edge of a 45
2011-09-22 01:59:00
Over two weeks ago I was lifting weights. I was in the middle of my second superset: from T-bar row to that bent-elbow-lift-straight-up-with-arms-out -to-the-side shoulder exercise, with a 45-pound plate. I rested the plate on a flat bench, and tried to grip the edge. It slipped off the bench towards the ground, where my right foot was lying. I saw the next second in slow-motion, which now makes me question my intelligence since I did not move my foot. The plate descended vertically, meaning when it landed it's full force would hit one spot as opposed to being spread out evenly across its diameter. The "spot" was the top of my foot just under my second toe. The subsequent sequence of events were as follows: Excruciating pain Breath hold Release of endorphins Adrenaline rush Throbbing pain Limp away Embarrassment since the accident was seen by females on the treadmills Bruise Swelling Inability to move foot much Assumed breakage Wondering how I'd get around since I could bare...
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If You?re Having Girl Problems I Feel Bad For You Son
2011-09-21 04:26:00
?Do you love her?? Hamburgers asked me, referring to my female companion, Sec-Z-Bec. ?Are you crazy?? I said. ?I?ve only known her for three weeks. I don?t know, Hamburgers. I don?t even know what that means.? Though his question would have never crossed my mind had I been in his shoes, I realized Hamburgers asked me for a reason?because it is a normal human curiosity. Is it also a normal human feeling after only spending time with a romantic interest for three weeks? Hamburgers laughed at my inquiry into human nature. I kind of liked Sec-Z-Bec because she fit a set of requirements including physical attractiveness, humor, intelligence, and perceived interest in me. Love? C'mon, man. One week later Hamburgers asked how things were going with Sec-Z-Bec. I laughed. ?She?s starting to grow on me,? I said. Sec-Z-Bec and I continued spending time with each other. And then, abruptly, she ended communication with me. I felt poorly, not because I loved her like crazy Hamburgers sugges...
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Ten Years Cancer-Free
2011-09-14 21:40:00
I enter the large, dark room, approach the table in the middle, and lie face-down. I bury my head in a pillow and close my eyes. I hear the nurse exit and close the door behind her. The door locks, and the ?Radiation? sign illuminates. I hear the machine turn on and move, get in position, and hover over me. I fidget to get comfortable one last time, and then I do not move. I focus on my breathing and I focus on my muscles not twitching. The energy about to exit the machine over the next ten minutes?the amount in about 180 CT scans?will burn my skin, which is already tomato-red from the previous 24 sessions I've had. It will blaze through my intestines, muscles, nerves, and now-dead bone. Most importantly it will annihilate the cancer cells that I believe have already been dead for 11 months. Dead from the first of 14 cycles of chemo. Dead because I felt them burning alive, a pain I will never forget and a pain I wish I hadn?t taken Tylenol to mask. Minutes later, the ma...
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My First Book Party
2010-10-27 05:31:00
On Sunday afternoon, my generous aunt and uncle threw me a book party at their home in Washington, D.C. They hired Politics and Prose, an independent D.C. bookseller, to sell copies, as well as caterers and a bartender. It was an outdoor event and the weather was gorgeous?a perfect day to blast off my book into the world. My aunt and uncle's highly successful friends attended the party: former Secretary of Defense, an author of 16 books, a Washington Post writer for the last 28 years, a CEO of a solar energy company, among others. It was an honor to be celebrated, and seeing my yellow book in just about everyone's hands?hiding behind the crowd before poking its shiny head out for a brief moment?was exhilarating. But hearing publicity experts discuss what it takes to sell a lot of books was overwhelming. I will be spending most of my non-working, non-exercising, and non-Redskins-watching hours trying. Though technically I saw some of the Redskins game Sunday and thus will continu...
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BREAKING NEWS: Book. Published. Available. Now.
2010-10-21 01:28:00
It has been a long road spanning one-quarter of my life. It has put my life on hold, indirectly preventing me from moving forward. If I were to divide my life into segments, they would go: Pre-Cancer Ben (0-16 years old), Cancer I (16-17), Pretending Like Cancer I Never Happened (17-18), Cancer II (19), Cancer II?s Aftermath (19-22), Book (20-26). Writing and trying to publish my book has been an extension of cancer, in that I cannot move forward until this process is complete. Expectations are powerful, and I feel for college athletes who believe they are destined for fame and riches. I expected the writing and publishing process to take less than a year. And so I pushed opportunities away, claiming that success would be easier and rejection less likely after becoming a published author. I foolishly pushed life away for six years. I knew that I was resisting the lesson I had already learned when I became cancer-free in September, 2001: that no matter what happens, life just keeps...
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Lance!
2010-10-08 03:18:00
I?ve been following Lance Armstrong for years. I knew about him before I developed cancer, as a cycling champion and philanthropist. I looked up to him, mostly for his athletic prowess. And then I got cancer, and people told me to read his book, It?s Not About the Bike. I read it a year after finishing treatment, and only after I got over my disgust of Lance. Despite his cancer memoir being one of the few that aren?t sappy, he still wrote about his experiences, and that made him a pussy according to my rule. Lance Armstrong: seven-time Tour de France winner, raiser of tens-of-millions of dollars, idol to tens of millions of people, and a huge pussy. Though the rules that guided my life remained, I exempted Lance and began to study him. I learned how treatment made him a better athlete by trimming fat and transforming his muscles to fast-twitch, how his chemotherapies were immensely more potent than mine, how he thrived on pain, how he tweaked his body and bicycle to attain effici...

The Perfect Poo
2010-09-27 04:09:00
I?m not claiming it was symbolic?so many cancer people search for deeper meaning behind events, while I just see probability and randomness. But, at the time it was difficult to deny that this was a clear sign from God that I would survive the aggressive cancer. Yep, clear as day, like an angel flying down from heaven to relay the message?from the toilet bowl. I was sixteen, visiting for the first time the hospital that would treat me for the next year. I hadn?t yet learned the value of taking Imodium AD prophylactically which I sometimes do now: before weddings, outdoor day events, and Chinese buffet outings. I was touring the main floor of the hospital?not the side with nuclear medicine and diagnostic machines and operating rooms?but the side with the auditorium, granitoid tile floors and coffee bar. Mother Nature called, and despite my reticence to let loose in public bathrooms, I didn?t want to have to remain clenched when the doctors detailed my 60-70% chance of surviving. T...
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Dudes of Cancer: Monsieur September
2010-09-15 02:23:00
The Benjy As the story goes, JD had been harassing his younger brother for days and baby Benjamin quietly accepted it. And then, when no one was looking, he grabbed his biggest, baddest toy, and smashed JD over the noggin with it. That was the day the young sociopath who would later be referred to as ?The Benjy? was born. The Benjy strayed down the opposite path his loving parents had chosen for him. Skipping elementary school during the day, he occupied sleazy neighborhoods slinging crack rock. And in the evenings, he shunned his piano teacher and soccer coach to pimp out mostly young women (and some very old men) in the red-light district of Manassas. When his mom or dad drove to pick him up from his lesson or practice, he threatened potential tattletales with his now infamous symbol?inserting his index finger into his rear end (sexual orientation was a gray area for The Benjy). Urban legend has it that children who were shown the symbol twice were never seen again. Gender roles...
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