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Feeling Grateful
2007-11-26 19:52:00
In the last month, my son, husband, and I have seen three films: 3:10 to Yuma, American Gangster, and No Country for Old Men. (Yes, all three are violent but when you're the mother of an 18-year-old male, chick flicks aren't an option. To be honest, I really enjoy action-adventure films as a genre.)Each time, we capped off our evening by going out to eat. Last night, we went to a Vietnamese restaurant that specializes in Pho. As we were driving home, I realized how lucky I feel that I'm well enough to go to the movies.There were years when going out at all--because of my depressive episodes--was truly difficult for me. I'd have to force myself to get out of bed. By the time I got showered and dressed, I was so tired that I had to rest. The process of driving to the theater, walking inside, sitting through all the previews, watching the film, and going home was interminable.Going out to eat was even worse. For years, the medication I took caused such an array of side effects that...
More About: Recovery , Depression , Gratitude , Bipolar , Feeling

Solitude
2007-11-24 18:33:00
While I usually don't post on Saturday, it somehow seems appropriate. After a holiday--any holiday for that matter--I always need a few days of solitude. I used to worry that my need to replenish was a bipolar symptom. Now I think it's just a part of who I am, and I'm quite comfortable with it. I particularly like the following quotes on solitude."I love people. I love my family, my children . . . but inside myself is a place where I live all alone and that's where you renew your springs that never dry up."--Pearl S. Buck "What I must do is all that concerns me, not what the people think. This rule, equally arduous in actual and intellectual life, may serve for the whole distinction between greatness and meanness. It is the harder, because you will always find those who think they know what is your duty better than you know it. It is easy in the world to live after the world's opinion; it is easy in solitude to live after our own; but the great person is one who in the midst of ...
More About: Bipolar , Solitude , Soli

The Day After Thanksgiving
2007-11-23 09:01:00
We had a lovely Thanksgiving this year. Despite missing my mother, it was very low-key and relaxing. And my husband is such a wonderful cook that it's always a treat. Because of all the work involved in preparation and cooking (my husband's job) and clean-up (my job), I always like to relax the day after the holiday.For me, it's usually a day of quiet contemplation. I enjoy walking my dogs, reading, writing, and playing music. This year, because our dog Murphy is dying of cancer, I plan on taking her somewhere special in the car. While I don't know what dogs see, hear, or understand, I figure that she somehow knows that we've been allowing her to do special things, eat special meals, and go to special places. I'm assuming that she doesn't understand why, but maybe she does.So...tomorrow while some people will be shopping at 4:00 in the morning (yes, my husband read that some stores are opening that early although I can't imagine why), I'll be turning over in my bed and drea...
More About: Shopping , Hank

Happy Thanksgiving
2007-11-22 20:16:00
For those of you who live in other parts of the globe, today is Thanksgiving in the United States. According to Wikipedia, it is a traditional North American Holiday to give thanks for the harvest. In that same article, you can learn about one of the first Thanksgiving celebrations.1621 Thanksgiving, The Pilgrims in Massachusetts The early settlers of Plymouth Colony in Massachusetts were particularly grateful to Squanto, the Native American and former British slave who taught them how to both catch eel and grow corn and also served as their native interpreter. Without Squanto's assistance, the settlers might not have survived in the New World. The Plymouth settlers (who came to be called "Pilgrims") set apart a holiday immediately after their first harvest in 1621. They held an autumn celebration of food, feasting, and praising God. The Governor of Plymouth invited Grand Sachem Massasoit and the Wampanoag people to join them in the feast. Evidence to support that claim came from ...
More About: Racism , Happy , Hank

Friends (Part 2)
2007-11-21 09:01:00
In her book, Among Friends : Who We Like, Why We Like Them, and What We Want To Do With Them, Letty Cottin Pogrebin, using herself as an example, writes about why friends withdraw when someone is ill."I have a problem with illness. Armchair analysis suggests it is because my mother died of cancer when I was young and I have never been able to visit sick people or hospitals without stirring up these memories. But it may be something more ignoble: cowardice, laziness, a primitive fear of "germs" or the unknown, a self-serving denial of human frailty and the fragility of life. Whatever the cause, it is humiliating to own up to such behavior, and like any coward, I do so only having discovered that others are guilty of it too."I am disturbed by her sentiments but I find her honesty appealing.I wonder how many of you were deserted by your friends when you were ill with bipolar disorder. How did it make you feel? Did you welcome these people back to the fold when you were well? How did you...
More About: Friendship , Depression , Trust , Part

Friendship (Part 1)
2007-11-20 09:01:00
While I intended to write about my new book today, I've decided to post about friendship instead. As I approach Thanksgiving this year, I would like to discuss the importance of friendship. As you all know, my mother died on October 26. Her lengthly decline and subsequent death was very sad--for a number of reasons.Losing a parent you love is always heartbreaking. But I know that one of the things that disturbed me most during the final years of my mother's life was how many of her friends deserted her--during her decline. And it was truly unfathomable to me.A few days ago, one of my mother's closest friends (for so many years) called and left the following message on my answering machine. "Susan, I heard your mother died. Well, I've been out of town and out of touch, but you've been out of touch too. I've heard there is going to be a memorial service but I don't know when it will be. Could you call me and let me know?"When I listened to the message, at first I was just ang...
More About: Friendship , Anger , Bipolar , Part

Moving On
2007-11-19 09:01:00
A few of my online friends have recently expressed concern about what I'm up to. At first I was going to write a new post. Then I decided that my email to Marja, with a few minor changes, expressed it best.Dear Marja,Actually, I'm swamped with stuff. My new book: Bipolar Depression Unplugged: A Survivor Speaks Out has just come out as an eBook. (For those of you are interested in it, I'll write about it tomorrow.)I had to quit my photography class this semester because I missed too many classes but my professor--who I genuinely like--will be teaching it again in the spring. And I've already enrolled.Next semester (which is a short one, only six weeks), I'm taking a music appreciation class, and Sydney and I are working together on an exciting new venture (which I'll also discuss further down the road).So...my plate is full. I've just needed some time off from everything to grieve in my own way. And once my son goes away to college in January, my husband and I plan on pursuing...
More About: Moving

Bipolarity
2007-11-17 21:47:00
I usually don't post on weekends, but I highly recommend that you check out Syd's post today on her blog Bipolar ity. She's discussing emotions, which I feel is a really important topic, and one that I'd like to explore further.
More About: Emotions

Change (Part 2)
2007-11-16 18:30:00
Yesterday, I wrote a post about change and quoted William Bridges, who's a transition specialist. My friend Marja wrote a comment about how she doesn't like change.The truth is that I don't like change either. Like Marja, I've been married to the same man for almost 30 years. I have lived in the same house for 27 years and I live five blocks away from the house in which I grew up. Most of my closest friends are people with whom I went to high school (although I have made new friends over the years and recently made one of my dearest friends through this blog). I've worn the same hairstyle for more than 35 years, and I felt terrible when the guy who cut my hair for 12 years recently moved to Mexico. Most of the tradespeople with whom I deal are the same people my mother found so many years ago.Why then did I write about change? Because like it or not, the world changes around us. A few days ago, my friend JayPeeFreely wrote asking what new "adventure" I plan to involve myself ...
More About: Depression , Change , Transitions , Bipolar , Part

Change
2007-11-16 00:50:00
Sorry that my post is so late today. I've been out and about, and seem a bit out of sorts. So...I'd like to share a quote from one of my favorite new books: The Way of Transition: Embracing Life's Most Difficult Moments by William Bridges, Ph.D."It's a paradox: To achieve continuity we have to be willing to change. Change , in fact, is the only way to protect whatever exists, for without continuous readjustment the present cannot continue. Even the great conservative, Edmund Burke, realized this, for he said that 'a state without the means of change is without the means of its continuation.'"The refusal to change will not guarantee that whatever we care about stays the same. It only assures that whatever we care about has been deprived of the very thing it needs in order to survive. A marriage, a career, a dream for the future, even a picture of the past: Each of these things is being primed for destruction if it does not change over time."Here is another paradox: The very thi...
More About: Transitions

Bipolar Blogging (Part 3)
2007-11-14 09:01:00
I guess the bottom line is that I'm well and have been for almost a year. I've figured out what initially triggered my illness--so many years ago--and resolved it. I'm continually identifying triggers on a daily, weekly, or monthly basis, and I try to resolve them.I've learned how to brainswitch so that when something bothers me, I can stop the brain kindling, and I no longer ruminate about past events.And on a daily basis, I have a wealth of wellness activities I've developed that not only work for me but are fulfilling and satisfying.Finally, I rarely take medication and when I do, I'm able to take a very low dosage and it's effective. Once again, I'm the exception to the rule.So, despite having a wealth of knowledge about this illness, I'm ready to move on. I started this blog with the goal that I could share what I've learned. I was hoping that readers would find me who've were interested in discussing wellness rather than illness, and who have developed a wide array ...
More About: Blogging , Bipolar , Part , Part 3

Bipolar Blogging (Part 2)
2007-11-13 09:10:00
3. My third reason for changing the name of my blog--is to expand my readership. The people I'm interested in attracting are those who have overcome adversity and are truly seeking happiness, fulfillment, and wellness.After months of reading a variety of different blogs, I realized that I'm bored with those that focus solely on bipolar themes and issues. Almost five years ago, after spending ten years doing bipolar research, I stopped visiting bipolar websites and reading bipolar books when I realized that reading about this illness made me feel worse rather than better.I've mentioned elsewhere that during this decade, I'd read over 100 books on manic-depression, unipolar depression, and related topics. Perhaps one or two had any positive effect. For the most part, they were dreary and self-limiting.During my darkest days, I read the books on cancer that I'd bought when my father was dying of prostate cancer. I'd found a wide array of books on cancer that were uplifting and po...
More About: Depression , Blogging , Bipolar , Part

Bipolar Blogging (Part 1)
2007-11-12 21:34:00
Thank you to all of the people who have been so kind and supportive these past few months, particularly: Sydney and JayPeeFreely as well as Marja, Marie, Dream Writer, AKA Cate, Cindy, Daily Dose, and Howard.* * *What's in a name? I've finally decided to change my blog from Bipolar Wellness Writer to Susan Bernard. Why? There are three primary reasons.1. Bipolar wellness is just one of the issues I write about. For the last few months, I've been focusing on my experiences caring for my mother...and then her death. Although I'm now moving on, I've got to tell you that scattering my mother's ashes was truly a wonderfully healing experience --aside from the fact that I thought I might be arrested, that I had a lengthy talk about biodegradable urns with the mortuary guy who told me about the one he sold that looked like a Frisbee, and when all was said and done...the only person who would have laughed as loudly about my experiences as I did--was my mother, who I truly miss!2. Most...
More About: Blogging , Part

Tribute to My Mom (Part 4)
2007-11-09 09:01:00
The following are excerpts from the tribute I wrote to my mother--in a letter form--that were read at her memorial service. I realized that some of the things I'd written were so personal that only her family members and friends would appreciate them. So...I'm including the parts that I feel everyone might enjoy and understand.From you and daddy, I learned about love and marriage. Even when I was a child, I couldn?t imagine how I could ever find anyone I loved as much as you loved daddy and he loved you. It was only fitting that I found another "Bernie" as my soul mate. Still, the depth of your love for each other was inspirational. I will never forget the poems you wrote when daddy died. This one made me cry.Berny Schwartz: 1921-1989I don?t want him to be gone.I want him here to mow the lawn,to rub my back,to kiss my ear.I want him hereto take out the trash,to hold my hand,to wiggle our toes in the silver sand.I want to hear him whistle again.You were my darling,the dearest of me...
More About: Love , Death , Parents , Part , Tribute

Tribute to My Mom (Part 3)
2007-11-08 20:51:00
The following are excerpts from the tribute I wrote to my mother--in a letter form--that were read at her memorial service. I realized that some of the things I'd written were so personal that only her family members and friends would appreciate them. So...I'm including the parts that I feel everyone might enjoy and understand.I learned about friendship from seeing what a good friend you were. Whenever anyone was sick, you were the first one to rush over with homemade matzo ball soup and fresh rye bread. You remembered everyone?s birthday and anniversary and you were generous and thoughtful in so many ways.During the sixties and early seventies, I think you did cross-stitch patterns on work shirts for all of your friend?s children, and later?when those children had children of their own?you cross-stitched baby?s undershirts.Mother, you and daddy shaped my moral character, but in different ways. He and I had long talks about honesty, integrity, family, loyalty, and the work ethic, ...
More About: Love , Death , Parents , Part , Part 3

Tribute to My Mom (Part 2)
2007-11-07 18:03:00
The following are excerpts from the tribute I wrote to my mother--in a letter form--that were read at her memorial service. I realized that some of the things I'd written were so personal that only her family members and friends would appreciate them. So...I'm including the parts that I feel everyone might enjoy and understand.Mama, when I think of my childhood, there are so many stories to tell and impressions to share. You were an exceptional role model in so many ways, but it wasn?t until I was older that I realized how special you were. When I was young I guess I thought that everybody?s mother could write wonderful poems. This is one I know by heart because you wrote it about me:For SusanDo you have the problem of a middle child?The consensus is you do,if you?ve an older one and a younger one,psychiatry says you?re through.In our house, the big oneis the very first grandson.And the little oneis precocious and wild.But the one in the middleplays the fiddleand her charm has us ...
More About: Love , Parents , Part , Tribute , Schwartz

Tribute to My Mom (Part 1)
2007-11-06 09:01:00
I'd like to thank everyone who wrote to lend me support and provide solace. Yesterday, my aunt, cousin, and I scattered my mother's ashes. Today, I'm taking my aunt and cousin to the airport to return to Austin, Texas. I'd like to spend this week sharing the tribute I wrote to my mom--before moving on, and returning to my life.Dear Mama,As I?m sitting down at my desk to write my tribute for your memorial service, tears are streaming down my face. Already, I miss you so! I?m not sure there ever has been a daughter who loved her mother (and father) more.But I will miss you and mourn you privately. Today is my opportunity to celebrate your life, share some stories, and tell friends and family members what you and daddy taught me, and how special I always felt when people said, ?You must be one of the Schwartz girls.?One of the greatest gifts I received from you and daddy was that for my entire life I have felt unconditionally loved. But perhaps my earliest memory is when I was a fi...
More About: Love , Death , Parents , Part , Tribute

In Memorium
2007-10-26 17:47:00
My mother, Marjorie L. Schwartz, was born on March 19, 1922 and died on October 25, 2007. There has never been a daughter who loved her mother more!
More About: Love , Death

Making God-Like Decisions
2007-10-25 09:01:00
Yesterday was very difficult. Because Dr. Smith (the incompetent doctor) didn't respond to five telephone calls over a five hour period, we had to delay hospice for an extra day. Talk about a selfish "a**hole." Then the hospice representative was three hours late; it was a true emergency and she was very apologetic.She was also very competent and empathetic. When she called to get directions, she could hear mother moaning in the background. Upon her arrival, she immediately ordered morphine for the pain, and within three hours had a nurse at my mother's side to administer it.Still, it was a terribly long and painful day. On my way to Casa del Mar I picked up a song book at the guitar shop of folk songs from my youth that my mother loves. To calm my mother down, I played the autoharp for three hours or so. I had read that even when a person is totally out of it, they can still hear. I was sure that my mother heard the love in my voice, and it was very healing for me to sing as well...
More About: Death and Dying , Decisions

Putting Mama on Hospice
2007-10-24 09:01:00
It's mama's time to die. It's not because of the terrible medical care she's received. It's just that she cannot rally back one more time. I met with the hospice people today. I explained that they didn't need to "sell" me on the concept of hospice. Before I contacted them, I had done everything possible to see if mama could survive--with a quality of life that was worth living--and she can't.It's time to let her go so she can join my father who's been waiting for her in heaven for 18 years and 8 months. Their marriage was a match made in heaven, and that's where she'll join him--for eternity.For the rest of this week--in tribute to my mother, Marjorie L. Schwartz--I will share some of her poems with you and an essay and a few poems I've written to her. This afternoon, I wrote the short poem below while I sat on a bench on the bluffs overlooking the beach, near Casa del Mar, where my mother lives. Writing it made me cry because I knew my mother would get a kick out of it...
More About: Mama , Putting , Hospice

Writing to Heal
2007-10-23 09:01:00
Although my blog is a form of writing to heal, I also write letters to people that I sometimes don't send. This is one of those letters I can't send for obvious reasons, but it makes me feel better to write it.Just to give you a bit of the back story, I had another unbelievably bad experience today with my mother's doctor (a new one who replaced the two awful doctors that preceded him). I've come to the conclusion that there is something so wrong with the medical profession that unless we speak out, we'll only have ourselves to blame when our time comes around.Dear Doctor Smith, (a pseudonym)I hope that no one treats your mother the way you treated mine today. When we arrived at your office--after Dr. Jones (the orthopedic surgeon called you)--and we were waiting in the reception area, I know that you saw my mother and me and chose not to come out. How dare you!Three weeks ago when you agreed to be my mother's doctor, and you told me that the care she had recently been given ...
More About: Writing , Dementia , Medical Malpractice , Heal

Transition (Part 2)
2007-10-22 09:01:00
I believe that sometimes we find books or people because we need them. Whether or not we recognize the need and embrace it is up to us. As my son will be going through his own transition to college, I began thinking about how poorly I have dealt with the transitions in my own life. Wishing to be a better role model and wanting to give him better advice (should he seek it), I have begun reading books on transition.While I have already read Transition s by William Bridges, Ph.D., and it has had a huge impact, I decided to read Dr. Bridges' memoir, The Way of Transition: Embracing Life's Most Difficult Moments, which is having an even bigger impact. The following quote is from this book."Change can happen at any time, but transition comes along when one chapter of your life is over and another is waiting in the wings to make its entrance...You simply cannot imagine a new chapter, but the fact that letting go of one chapter in your life initiates the transition that concludes by begin...
More About: Parenting , Children , Part

Bipolar Mother
2007-10-19 09:01:00
If you read yesterday's post, you undoubtedly learned that we're at my son's Student Orientation (he's starting college in January) and yesterday wasn't my best day. Yet, I'm proud of myself because despite my feelings--I was anxious, worried, and sad--I kept them to myself.As a "bipolar mother," I feel guilty enough that I was sick for six straight years during my son's childhood. Now that I'm well (most of the time although like everyone else, I sometimes have a bad day or a few bad hours), I am vigilant about making sure that my moods don't affect my son.So...despite a less than stellar late afternoon and early evening, once my husband and son returned to our motel, I took a long walk by myself--to a favorite bookstore. My goal was to walk off my mood and to spend time browsing, one of my favorite past times.This morning, we all had a truly wonderful day. My son's meeting with his faculty adviser was successful, we had a terrific lunch at this great Indonesian restauran...
More About: Parenting , Children , Mother , Bipolar

A Mother's Lament
2007-10-18 09:01:00
The photograph above represents my experience at Cal in the Sixties. While Joan Baez may have enjoyed participating in anti-war demonstrations, I was stunned when students ran down Telegraph Avenue throwing rocks at storefronts. I was speechless when some members of the police department hit some of them with billy clubs. And I was frightened when they tear-gased my dorm.All of this and so much more caused my first undiagnosed depressive episode. Almost 40 years later, I'm here once again for the Transfer Student Orientation for my son. He picked the university that almost destroyed my life.I made peace with Cal about five years ago. I've been so excited by the way my son (and I) have been treated. Nonetheless, today was very difficult for me. Perhaps, because of the stress of the last few months, there have been moments when I've felt like I could cry 40 years of tears.I pray my son has made the right choice for himself. I can't bear the thought that he could be as unhappy her...
More About: Parenting , Children , College , Depression , Lament

Change
2007-10-17 17:49:00
We're off to take our son to his college orientation; he'll begin in January. It seemed like a few quotes on change might be appropriate. They are from a wonderful new book I'm reading, The Way of Transition: Embracing Life's Most Difficult Moments, by William Bridges, Ph.D."There is no sin punished more implacably by nature than the sin of resistance to change."--Anne Morrow Lindberg"There is a time for departure, even when there's no certain place to go."--Tennessee Williams"Through loyalty to the past, our mind refuses to realize that tomorrow's joy is possible only if today's makes way for it; that each wave owes the beauty of its line only to the withdrawal of the receding one."--Andre Gide"I have begun to have an idea of my life, not as the slow shaping of achievement to fit my preconceived purposes, but as the gradual discovery and growth of a purpose which I did not know."--Joanna Field
More About: Change , Chang , Chan

Bipolar Holidays (Part 2)
2007-10-16 09:01:00
The more I thought about yesterday's post, the more convinced I am that holidays are a big problem. I want to thank JayPeeFreely and Syd for their comments. I hope that "anonymous" came back to read them.I wonder why it is that holidays are so difficult for so many people. Is it because we have wonderful (or terrible) memories of holidays when we were children? Do we imagine that everyone else is having better holidays than we are. Is it that the cinematic view of holidays is so much better than reality?Or is it because holidays--particularly in the United States--have become so commercialized that people forget the real purpose of the celebrations. When I was young, my mother wrote the following poem:The Thanksgiving turkeyis still in deep freeze,but the streets are linedwith Christmas trees.I remember laughing at the poem, oh so many years ago. Now, it seems a bit sad to me. So far, two people have written comments about dreading holidays and I've addressed both of them in post...
More About: Holidays , Bipolar , Part

Bipolar Holidays (Part 1)
2007-10-15 23:15:00
I received the following comment from another post, but I'm going to address it today. If any of you have helpful suggestions, I'm sure that "anonymous" will appreciate your comments as well."I have a sister (age 45) who has bipolar. I am her 56 year old sister. I am already dreading the holidays. I dread going to see my parents on Thanksgiving and Christmas because I know she will be at their home. I get a knot in the pit of my stomach every time I think about going. She will be there all day on both holidays. She has not spoken to me in 6 months because I talked back to her last February when she called me out of the clear blue sky and swore and screamed at me for 30 minutes for no reason. Any advice would be greatly appreciated."First of all, let me say that there's no excuse for "bad behavior," whether your sister is bipolar or not. Should an incident like the one you described happen again, i.e. she calls you and screams at you for no reason, I would say, "I'm sorry. This i...
More About: Holidays , Stress , Bipolar , Part

Hope (Part 2)
2007-10-12 09:01:00
After Dr. Jerome Groopman was healed from a 19-year-struggle with extraordinary back pain (which he discusses in his book, The Anatomy of Hope : How People Prevail in the Face of Illness), he set out on a journey "to discover whether the energizing feeling of hope can in fact contribute to recovery. I found that there is an authentic biology of hope. But how far does it reach? And what are its limits?"Researchers are learning that a change in mind-set has the power to alter neurochemistry. Belief and expectation--the key elements of hope--can block pain by releasing the brain's endorphins and enkephalins, mimicking the effects of morphine. In some cases, hope can also have important effects on fundamental physiological processes like respiration, circulation, and motor function."During the course of an illness, then, hope can be imagined as a domino effect, a chain reaction in which each link makes improvement more likely. It changes us profoundly in spirit and in body. Every day I...
More About: Depression , Healing , Bipolar , Part

Hope
2007-10-11 09:01:00
I am reading the most wonderful book, The Anatomy of Hope : How People Prevail in the Face of Illness. The author, Dr. Jerome Groopman, writes, "Hope is one of our central emotions, but we are often at a loss when asked to define it. Many of us confuse hope with optimism, a prevailing attitude that "things turn out for the best." But hope differs from optimism. Hope does not arise from being told to "think positively," or from hearing an overly rosy forecast."Hope, unlike optimism, is rooted in unalloyed reality. Although there is no uniform definition of hope, I found one that seemed to capture what my patients had taught me. Hope is the elevating feeling we experience when we see--in the mind's eye--a path to a better future. Hope acknowledges the significant obstacles and deep pitfalls along that path. True hope has no room for delusion."Clear-eyed, hope gives us the courage to confront our circumstances and the capacity to surmount them. For all my patients, hope has proved as ...
More About: Depression , Bipolar

Wellness Activities
2007-10-10 09:01:00
While I'd like to be able to continue writing about the process of brainswitching that I talked about yesterday, I realize that I'm too stressed out to be able to do it justice. So, I'll finish this series next week.In the meantime, I know that stress can cause a depressive episode so I'm doing everything in my power to focus on wellness. For me, that means the following:1. I know that exercise is very important, so I'm walking every day, whether I feel like it or not.2. I also know that thinking too much about depression actually causes it. So...I am consciously refusing to think about past depressions or to categorize what I'm feeling as depressive symptoms.3. For me, music clears my mind. It's my version of mindfulness meditation. Thus, I'm carrying my harmonica in my pocket and playing it numerous times during the day.4. I know that disappointment in people can cause a depressive episode. While the behavior of some people in my life has been shameful, I am consciously r...
More About: Depression , Activities , Bipolar , Wellness , Well