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Hypomania Revisited (Part 2)
2007-06-21 09:01:00
How do I control spending during a hyomania? With all apologies to Elizabeth Barrett Browning...Let me count the ways. I control it to the depth and breadth and height...oh well, let's take a look at Browning's famous poem and then we can discuss spending.How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.I love thee to the depth and breadth and heightMy soul can reach, when feeling out of sightFor the ends of being and ideal grace.I love thee to the level of every day'sMost quiet need, by sun and candle-light.I love thee freely, as men strive for right.I love thee purely, as they turn from praise.I love thee with the passion put to useIn my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.I love thee with a love I seemed to loseWith my lost saints. I love thee with the breath,Smiles, tears, of all my life; and, if God choose,I shall but love thee better after death.Back to spending...as I mentioned in an earlier post, when I used to have problems controlling spending during a hypomania, I vo...
More About: Bipolar , Part , Hypomania , Visit , Mania

Hypomania Revisited (Part 1)
2007-06-20 15:50:00
Although I already wrote about hypomania, I'm not sure I can write about it enough since so much of what I've read--over the years--has been a complete waste of time. So let's revisit it once again.For the last few weeks, I've been feeling hypomanic. There were days when I awakened and felt marginally depressed but once I took a small amount of medication, it went away. However, I know a full-fledged hypomania is upon me when I stop taking anti-depressant medication and still feel great upon awakening. (For those of you who are new to this blog, I'm medication resistant and all mood stabilizers make me feel worse, not better.)So, after all of these years with all I have learned, how do I handle a hypomania? Well, the first thing I do is exercise. Usually, I try to walk but this morning I decided to garden, and I use the term loosely.Today is the day our gardeners come and I decided that I needed to prune a bunch of shrubs and a few trees so that they could do the clean ...
More About: Humor , Gardening , Bipolar , Part , Hypomania

Other Bipolar Blogs
2007-06-19 09:17:00
I'll finish the Family Loyalty post when I've got more time. Marie, thanks again for your comment. In the meantime, during this period when I don't have a lot of time to write, I'd like to recommend a few other posts at other blogs.Syd from Bipolar ity has written two wonderful posts on Forgiveness. Be sure to check them out. They're heartfelt and thought-provoking! She's the author of a new book, which I'll let her tell you about. I haven't had a chance to read it yet but I know it will be good. She's a terrific writer.Marja from Roller Coaster wrote a wonderful post about Faith and Mental Well-Being. She's also the author of Riding the Roller Coaster: Living with Mood Disorders , which I plan on reading and reviewing as soon as I have a moment to breathe. I've just read the introduction and it looks great!Steggo Lee from Gay Bipolar Guy has posted some beautiful art work on his site as well as a lovely poem from Frederico Garcia Lorca.Howard Freeman from SurfCoun...
More About: Depression , Blogs , Polar

Family Loyalty
2007-06-18 14:43:00
When I was a child, my father taught us (I have two siblings) that family loyalty was the most important trait there is. He was the youngest of four brothers and he idolized his older brothers. Growing up, I never tired of hearing stories about how my dad's brothers were wonderful athletes, how well they did in school, how popular they were, how many offices they held and so on and so forth. My dad has been dead for 18 years so it is impossible for me to ask him when he stopped--idolizing them, that is. What I do know is that he and his eldest brother were the only ones to attend college. After college, my uncle moved to North Carolina, married someone outside of his family's faith, and rarely returned home. It wasn't because of my grandparents' attitude toward his wife; they were very accepting. All these years later, I wonder why my uncle abandoned his family. My dad's second oldest brother was captured in World War II and may have been a hero but wasn't very successful once...
More About: Family , Loyalty

Accepting My Limitations
2007-06-17 09:32:00
After so many years of being sick, it's difficult to describe what it's like to be well--most of the time. After so many years of feeling like there were no other BIPS (bipolars) in the universe to whom I could relate, it's difficult to describe what it's like to find a community of people who share my feelings, concerns, and attitudes about this illness.After so many years of having to refrain from taking classes because I felt so terrible when I had to quit due to illness or I knew my expectations were unrealistic (because prior to the class I hadn't been well for eight straight weeks for 14 years), it's difficult to describe my feeling of accomplishment when I completed my photography class a few weeks ago.It's easy for others--who are not bipolar or who don't truly understand the heartache of this illness--to minimize my success. It's easy for people who knew me before my illness spiraled out of control to wonder why completing a class at a community college would be...
More About: Bipolar , Hypomania , Accept

Taking The Weekend Off!
2007-06-16 07:43:00
I'm taking the weekend off to try and finish my writing assignment because I'm starting a design class on Monday at my local community college. Hope all you dads out there have a Happy Father's Day!
More About: Weekend , Taking

Enjoying the Small Stuff
2007-06-15 07:37:00
Although I was stressed about meeting my work deadline yesterday, I did take some time off for a birthday celebration for my son. We went to a Mexican restaurant in Santa Monica, CA. We all were having a wonderful time when I happened to look up and saw Dick Van Dyke at another table.For those of you who don't know him, he not only played Rob Petrie in one of my favorite childhood TV shows, The Dick Van Dyke show but he played Bert, the chimney sweep, in Mary Poppins, one of my favorite musicals to which I know all the songs. He has had an illustrious career.Because of my grandparents, I have known many celebrities. When my mother was a child, my grandparents were friends with George Burns and Gracie Allen, Jack and Mary Benny, Ed and Sylvia Sullivan, the Marx brothers, Sophie Tucker, Fred Allen, Al Jolson and Ruby Keeler and so many more. When I was a child, I met many of them at my grandparents' country club.The first job I had once I graduated from UCLA was as an NBC Page ...
More About: Celebrities , Stuff , Small , Bipolar

Feeling Stressed
2007-06-14 18:10:00
I'm feeling stressed about getting all my work done. I'm taking the day off. Quite honestly, I'm not sure what this graphic means but I'll link to it (It's the Cattleman's stress test.) You can be the judge.
More About: Stress , Bipolar , Feeling , Feel , Tres

Depressions and Westerns
2007-06-13 16:15:00
Within the last week, two members of our community are trying to stave off a depression and another returned from three weeks in hibernation. There may be others; these are just the ones I know about. As I thought about them, I have felt great empathy and compassion. I remember so many times when I could feel a depression coming on and wondered what I could do to stop it before it took hold.I always tried my usual fare: playing music, spending time outdoors, forcing myself to walk--if only for a few blocks, racking my mind to determine the trigger, trying to talk it away, trying to write it away, gardening, doing physical labor, praying, trying my own form of meditation, trying to ignore it, going to films, watching funny videos, spending time with people who love me and whom I love, seeking out friends who make me laugh, and the list goes on.Sometimes it worked; other times it didn't. I wish I could figure out why.Coming back from a depression isn't easy either. For me it se...
More About: Depression , Bipolar , Westerns , Este

Oh Happy Day
2007-06-07 17:55:00
FYI...the photo on the right is by one by one of my favorite photographers, Berenice Abbott. It's called "Brooklyn Bridge, Water, and Dock Streets," and was taken in 1936.Thanks to Polly and Chica for their good wishes for my photography final. Although I studied, I haven't taken a final in decades and I never took a multiple choice exam when I was in college. Also, since the technical side of photography was so new to me, there was a tremendous amount of information to learn and I was a bit overwhelmed by the exam.As I sat down to take it, I got that feeling in my stomach that I used to have in my geometry classes in high school (the last time I took math). As a "math challenged" person, it wasn't the most pleasant feeling either.Still, once the exam was over, I felt great. Our very last task was to go through all our slides (or digital images) and pick the top 20 for our final project. When I looked back at how far I'd come in only eight weeks, it was quite gratifying!Act...
More About: Photography , Happy , Bipolar , Wellness

Taking A Final Examination
2007-06-06 05:12:00
A picture says a thousand words; especially to someone who's taking a photography final exam. I'll post again on Thursday.
More About: Photography , Final , Examination , Fina , Taking

Stretching Myself at UCLA
2007-06-05 22:20:00
I'm almost finished with my photography class. The written final is on Wednesday. Yesterday morning, I was up at 6:00 a.m. to finish my "final project." I was planning on doing a photo essay at UCLA. It's my alma mater and my husband's as well as my mother's and father's. I thought I would be able to define what UCLA means to me, but the outcome was disappointing (The shots I'm using aren't mine because I don't have a digital camera).Still, I had a wonderful time at UCLA. I felt like I was a sophomore all over again (I attended UC Berkeley my freshman year).It's kind of interesting at this stage of my life to begin a new hobby at which I'm so inept. But I'm truly enjoying myself and getting better each time. There's a certain humility in trying something new and remembering what it's like to be a novice.My illness is the only thing in my life I haven't been able to overcome. With most every other endeavor, I find that self-discipline, hard work, a positive atti...
More About: Photography , Hobbies , Bipolar , Stretching , Etch

Bipolar Creativity and Online Success
2007-06-04 09:10:00
Today's post is about creative activities in our "village" and online success. Obviously I can only write about things I know...so if you're doing a new project or involved in something wonderful, let us know. Also, I'm happy to review books although I must admit that money is scarce these days so if you want me to review yours, you'll have to send me a review copy.One of the most wonderful things in the world is to be able to recommend a book I like very much written by someone I like. Later this week I will review Howard Freeman's new book, Lullabye. Howard, a new friend, is perhaps better known as "Dootz" and he writes SurfCountry. Well, he just self-published a book of essays that I genuinely like. He's a talented writer and I think you'll love his new book. My review will run as soon as my photography final is over. Stay tuned...I highly recommend that everyone go to Marja's site, to see a new watercolor she's painted. I think it's great! Also, she's the auth...
More About: Blogging , Success , Online , Creativity , Bipolar

How We Deal With Bipolar Disorder (Part 2)
2007-06-04 00:29:00
Although I said I wouldn't be responding to the comments in my blog until Monday night, I've changed my mind. Because of my two week hypomanic period, I've been in bed most of today, crashing. It hasn't been a bad thing. I've just been very tired. And because I fell the other day, I'm also very sore and the aspirin I've been taking knocks me out.Every few hours when I've awakened, I checked my blog to see who has made comments. In the midst of a hypomanic recovery, it seemed to me that my last posting was perhaps the most important one yet...to me.Since February 1 of this year, I've posted 83 times. So, it's a big deal for me to say that these posts have been the most important. As I look back and reread what I've written, I realize that some of the posts were meant to be amusing; others were heartfelt. But perhaps none have been as important to me as those I've been writing in the past few days.Why? Because it took me so long to figure all this out.For years I d...
More About: Depression , Mental Health , Deal , Bipolar , Mental Illness

How We Deal With Bipolar Disorder
2007-06-03 09:26:00
My purpose in the last few posts regarding hypomania was to learn the following: What symptoms do you have when you're hypomanic? How do you deal with them? I appreciate hearing from those people who responded and I would hope to hear from more of you. (As I mentioned, I'm swamped until Monday after my class and won't be able to respond to your comments until Monday night.)My reason for asking these questions is to see if my symptoms are common, to learn if other people have different symptoms that I may not have identified (or perhaps I don't have), and to learn about other coping strategies.What fuels my questions is my philosophy about this illness. When I was first diagnosed (25 years after my first depressive episode), I was somewhat relieved to learn that there was a biochemical reason for my depressions. Later, I realized that whether this illness has a biochemical basis or not (and I'm still not convinced that it's the full story), like everything else in life, I b...
More About: Mental Health , Healing , Deal , Bipolar , Mental Illness

One More Hypomanic Symptom
2007-06-02 14:02:00
It's 5:00 in the morning and I've hardly slept all night. I could have taken an Ativan but I've been taking 1/2 milligrams for the last ten days, and I'm already addicted. So, I've decided to stop. I just took another bath. As I lay in the tub, I began thinking about my day and I came up with an additional hypomanic symptom.My cranium hurts. I know this sounds like a weird one and if anyone else has ever felt this, I'd really like to know. What I mean by this is that my skull actually hurts. Again, I used to think it was due to medication but now I know it's the hypomania. I've often wondered if a hypomania can cause a slight swelling of the brain. The worst pain is at the bottom of my skull near the back of my head and the top of my neck. But if I touch my face near my cheekbones, and my temples, they are very sensitive as well.Solution: A massage or acupuncture, neither of which I can afford these days. But...what if those of us who have medical insurance (and ...
More About: Bipolar , Manic

Hypomanic Symptoms
2007-06-02 09:03:00
I've been in a low-level hypomania for about ten days now. As I was thinking about it, I realized that I have a wide range of "unusual symptoms" that I've never read about in any book. So, I thought I'd tell you about them to see if anyone else has them as well.1. I tend to talk more loudly than normal. I can't imagine why but I've noticed it for a number of years. When I know I'm doing this, I try to lower the volume of my voice. When I don't realize it, I assume that others must think I have a hearing loss.2. I tend to use "swear words." Again, I don't know why. When I'm well, I rarely swear. I've always felt that "swear words" are common and that a person with an ample vocabulary should be able to be more creative. But I find myself saying the words "fu*k" and "sh*t" with some regularity and I have to consciously stop saying them.3. During hypomanias, I need to eat more "red meat" than normal. I used to think it had to do with the medication I took but now I kno...
More About: Mental Health , Bipolar , Mental Illness , Symptoms , Manic

Volunteerism
2007-06-01 13:57:00
I've written another post about this a few months ago but as soon as I feel better, I start volunteering. Since my time is somewhat limited these days (I'm working on a big freelance writing assignment which is due in a few weeks, finishing my last photography assignment, and studying for the final), my top priority is to entertain my mother and her friends at her assisted living facility. I play the Autoharp and I'm accompanied on the harmonica by Monroe, an 89-year-old resident who's a friend of my mother's.We sing a lot of songs that people in their eighties (and older) like. It's fortunate because I like all these old Gershwin and Porter tunes as well as folk songs and songs that are categorized as "Americana," although I'm not quite sure what that means. My only real concern is that that the songs must be in the key of "C" because Monroe plays a "C" harmonica.I not only enjoy performing but I also like practicing. I've found that tuning my Autoharp is a perfect exer...
More About: Music , Mental Health , Bipolar , Mental Illness , Wellness

Blogging to Heal
2007-05-31 19:00:00
I must admit that ever since I started blogging about being bipolar, I feel better--for a number of reasons. First, it has allowed me to find a community of like-minded people.It has also allowed me to share feelings that I've kept inside for so many years. There's a great book, Opening Up: The Healing Power of Expressing Emotions, by James Pennebaker, Ph.D. Many years ago I interviewed Dr. Pennebaker for a chapter called "Kvetching" (it's a Yiddish word that means whining) in The Mommy Guide because I felt that new moms needed the release of whining in order to be able to make the transition to motherhood.I'm now feeling that those of us who have a chronic illness occasionally need to kvetch as well. Now I must admit that I have begun reading a lot of other blogs by people with illnesses --bipolar and non-bipolar ones alike--and a lot of people kvetch. So perhaps it truly is therapeutic. But I think it's more than just kvetching that helps. The following are some of the...
More About: Blogging , Mental Health , Bipolar , Mental Illness , Blogg

Hypomania (Part 2)
2007-05-30 15:43:00
Please read yesterday's post for continuity.6-7 A hypomania of this magnitude begins to scare me. And this is when I feel things are spiraling out of control. There is a moment when I know that whatever skills I've developed for self-regulation aren't working so I go to my doctor and see what my alternatives are.Since none of the mood stabilizers work for me, it's difficult to find a quick-fix. But sometimes, taking Depakote for a day or two will stop the episode. It also makes me physically ill (it doesn't matter what dosage I take, I get flu-like symptoms that don't go away). As I've said before, neither Lithium, Tegretol, or Lamictal work, nor do a long list of other medications.Again, I must say that prior to taking medication, my hypomanias (and I use the term loosely) were very low level. These days, I no longer experience any that are above a 3 or 4 on a ten point scale but in the past, I remember talking so fast that it must have been difficult for others to follo...
More About: Bipolar , Part , Hypomania , Mania

Hypomania
2007-05-29 17:00:00
I have often felt that hypomanias are one of the least understood aspects of this illness. Is being hypomanic a bad thing? I don't think so. Do you?If all you feel when you experience a hypomania is a slight elevation of mood, what's wrong with that? What are the other symptoms? I'm assuming it differs for everyone.Are there stages of hypomania? When does a hypomania become a mania? How would you define a 1-3 hypomania? A 4-5? When it turns into a 6-7, is that when it becomes a mania? How does it feel at 8-9? What's a 10? What do you think?1-3 For me, this just means that I feel good. I have a lot of energy. I can accomplish a tremendous amount in a day. I have a feeling of joi de vivre! I enjoy being with people again. It's a better than "normal" feeling. I can write lists, organize myself, move ahead with projects, and renew old acquaintances.4-5 I feel better than good. I don't just like being with my friends; I love being with them. I don't just play th...
More About: Depression , Bipolar , Hypomania , Mania

The Quaker Way (Part 3)
2007-05-29 06:39:00
An old friend who's known me for years emailed me to say that she was sure I was attracted to the Quaker Way because of the bonnets. Well, the fact is that I am a "hat" person but I had to laugh. Actually, the Quaker philosophy is new to me and is certainly something I plan to explore further--with or without a bonnet.The fact is that the more I thought about Parker J. Palmer 's discussion with Friend elder Ruth, the more interesting I found it. What if...the bipolar "limitation" isn't a limitation at all but rather a potential?Marja from Roller Coaster and I probably agree on this (see her comment from my earlier post). What I mean is that for years I was proud of myself for persevering despite adversity. And I believe that one of the main reasons I felt this illness was an adversity--in addition to the psychic pain of the depressions--was because of its stigma.But what if being bipolar truly isn't a bad thing? What if God chooses us for this illness because we're more sen...
More About: Humor , Depression , Bipolar , Part

The Quaker Way (Part 2)
2007-05-28 22:30:00
This is a continuation of yesterday's post and the quote is from Let Your Life Speak: Listening for the Voice of Vocation by Parker J. Palmer ."Ruth's honesty gave me a new way to look at my vocational journey, and my experience has long since confirmed the lesson she taught me that day: there is as much guidance at what does not and cannot happen in life as there is in what can and does--maybe more."Palmer goes on to recount his background and then he says something that truly resonated with me. "Each of us arrives here with a nature, which means both limits and potentials. We can learn as much about our nature by running into our limits as by experiencing our potentials. That, I think, is what Ruth and life were trying to teach me."As I have reread Palmer's book, this passage is the one that I think about...over and over. What have I learned from the limits of bipolar mood disorder? What has this illness taught me about myself?
More About: Depression , Spirituality , Bipolar , Part

Quaker Advice (Part 1)
2007-05-27 18:30:00
One of my new favorite authors is Parker J. Palmer, a writer, teacher, and activist, whom I've written about in an earlier post. The only book of his I've read (and reread) thus far is Let Your Life Speak, Listening for the Voice of Vocation (but I've ordered a few more books and will keep you updated).By the time Palmer was 35 years old, he'd changed careers a few times (He dropped out of seminary school to get a Ph.D. in sociology, left academia to become a community organizer, and returned to academia to teach students how to get involved in community organizing) but he still was floundering, which was why he was taking a sabbatical at Pendle Hill, a Quaker community.He writes: "But when I arrived and started sharing my vocational quandary, people responded with a traditional Quaker counsel that, despite their good intentions, left me more discouraged. "Have faith," they said, "and way will open."Palmer felt he did have faith, but that he was approaching middle age and was ...
More About: Advice , Depression , Spirituality , Bipolar

Top Ten Things I Need To Work On
2007-05-26 16:40:00
After coming up with a top ten list of things I feel grateful about, I felt I should also share my top ten list of things I need to work on. Sometimes, it's easy to look at others and say, "Oh, isn't she lucky that she's feeling well, but I'm not and I've got so many issues that are preventing me from being happy...more productive...more sociable...more successful...and so forth and so on." The bottom line is that we all have issues. Here are a few of mine.1. I need to lose 40 pounds. After so many years of such debilitating depressions, taking medications that caused weight gain, feeling such a lack of energy that I stopped participating in my favorite outdoor activities (tennis, hiking, and biking) on a regular basis, and eating for comfort, I need to make some life style changes in order to lose weight. Next year is my 40th high school reunion and I've vowed to get back to my high school weight.2. Although I've begun walking again on a daily basis, for the past few ye...
More About: Life , Depression , Work , Bipolar , Things

Top 10 Reasons for Feeling Grateful
2007-05-25 09:45:00
(When I tried to find an image for "feeling grateful," the stuff was insipid. But when I Googled "feeling happy," I found the photograph to the left, which made me smile. And I guess I feel grateful that a picture of kids having a wonderful day at the beach makes me smile.)As I wrote yesterday's post and thought about how difficult my life was for a decade, I'm so grateful for how well I feel now. It's not that things are always easy. I've only been completely done with my latest depression for less than a week. But yesterday, as I was walking around the J. Paul Getty Museum taking photographs, I felt so very grateful and I'd like to share my top ten reasons:1. I feel grateful that six weeks ago, despite being in the last stages of a five-month depressive episode, I felt well enough to sign up for an eight-week class and was confident--for the first time in years--that I would be able to sustain my health for eight straight weeks.2. I feel happy that once a depressive epi...
More About: Depression , Happiness , Mental Health , Reasons , Bipolar

Asking for Help
2007-05-24 20:15:00
I want to thank Marja and Syd for responding to yesterday's post. Perhaps there were others who read about Bipolar Chica on my blog but I'm not sure who they are. When I returned from my photography field trip to the J. Paul Getty Museum, the first thing I did was check my email messages. Then I went to Conversations in My Mind, and I was delighted to read that my "new friends" had left such uplifting comments.I think that one of the most important lessons I've learned from this illness is how to ask for help. I'll never forget how difficult it was for me to show my vulnerability. My son was in elementary school. I'd begun taking yet another medication that had awful side effects. I was at UCLA (my alma mater) signing up for a summer program for my son. All I had to do was to fill out a simple form.I asked the guy at the summer program office for the form and began filling it out. I ruined the first copy because my hand tremors were so bad that I couldn't write legibly ...
More About: Depression , Disability

It Takes A Village
2007-05-23 15:14:00
I was intending to write more about medication side effects but a member of our "village" needs help and support and it's beyond my area of expertise and experience. Bipolar Chica who writes Conversations in My Mind is suffering from post partum depression as well as anxiety and spent two days in the hospital. I'm leaving early this morning for a day-long field trip for my photography class and won't be home until dinner time. So...I'm hoping that those of you who have survived post partum depression can provide support and reassurance about your experience. And those of you who have been hospitalized can provide information and support as well.I know there are mental health sites, which can provide a wealth of information, tips, and guidance and it would be nice for people to make recommendations of their favorites sites. It's been a long time since I've researched them and I'm not sure which ones to recommend.I know that Psych Central provides a wealth of information....
More About: Depression , Mental Health , Mental Illness , Village

Side Effects of Medication
2007-05-22 21:10:00
What's interesting about blogging is that I finally realized I have no idea which posts will resonate with readers. Actually, gaining weight was a huge issue for me so I thought yesterday's post would be popular but there were no comments. Still, because the side effects of medications have been so personally distressing, I'm going to continue writing about them this week.Over the last 14 years, four different psychiatrists prescribed 25 different medications in different combinations and different dosages, including Abilify, Adderall, Ativan, Buspar, Celexa, Concerta, Cymbalta, Depakote, Effexor, Geodon, Klonopin, Lamictal, Lexapro, Lithium, Neurontin, Parnate, Prozac, Seroquel, Strattera, Tegretol, Topamax, Trileptal, Wellbutrin, Zoloft, and Zyprexa. And I experienced the attendant side effects, including anxiety, blurred vision, confusion, cognitive memory loss, constipation, diarrhea, dry mouth, hair loss, exaggerated response to stress, hand tremors, headaches, insomnia,...
More About: Depression , Bipolar , Side , Medication , Side Effects

Gone Fishing
2007-05-18 07:33:00
This Norman Rockwell painting is one of my favorites. I'm feeling a bit tired and somehow just looking at it makes me smile. I only wish that I lived on a lake, owned a small boat, and could nap with my two dogs in the sun under an umbrella. Alas...Still, I'm taking a few days off from blogging. I'll be back on Monday. See you then!P.S. I just received my monthly newsletter from ProBlogger . I particularly liked the article entitled "How Not To Become a Grumpy Blogger."
More About: Depression , Fishing , Blogging , Gone