Bipolar Wellness Writer

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Healing Quotes
2008-01-26 19:50:00
"The I in illness is isolation, and the crucial letters in wellness are we._~Author unknown, as quoted in Mimi Guarneri, The Heart Speaks: A Cardiologist Reveals the Secret Language of Healing "Hearty laughter is a good way to jog internally without ever having to go outdoors."~Norman Cousins"Happiness consists in activity. It is running steam, not a stagnant pool."~Oliver Wendall Homes"As a single footstep will not make a path on the earth, so a single thought will not make a pathway in the mind. To make a deep physical path, we walk again and again. To make a deep mental path, we must think over and over the kind of thoughts we wish to dominate our lives."~Henry David Thoreau"The very least you can do in your life is to figure out what you hope for. And the most you can do is live inside that hope."~Barbara Kingsolver
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Another Bipolar Voice
2008-01-25 09:01:00
On those days when we feel depressed, I think it's really important to remember the days when we felt well. A few days ago, Lynn left a comment on a post I wrote, Top 10 Reasons for Feeling Grateful, on May 25, 2007. I'd like to share her comment with you because I find it to be inspirational."I am grateful too...........I was diagnosed with depression in 1991 and bipolar disorder in 1995. It took until 2005 for me to really feel like I have this illness under control. I would like to say I have beaten it but I do still take medication. This illness for me has been all about the universe trying to give me a wake up call that I needed to make some changes in my life. I stay healthy now by staying out of unhealthy relationships. I stay away from people that "bring me down." I put an end to my people pleasing ways. I do what I need to on a daily, weekly, monthy and yearly basis to be happy. Some of those things are talk about my recovery, I wrote and published a book about my recover...
More About: Voice , Bipolar

Bipolar Lyrics
2008-01-24 20:34:00
This is my version of the Woody Guthrie song: This Land is Your Land. (If you turn on the sound, you can hear the original lyrics.)This Illness is Your Illness(Chorus)This illness is your illness; this illness is my illness,from its terrible genesis to its long-term maintenance.From its odious medication to its awful stigmatization.This illness is hard to overcome.1. When I was diagnosed, after a day-long crying' spree,that was so devastatin', it really frightened me,I asked my doctor, "Can you please cure me?"He said, "This illness is hard to overcome."2. I met with psychiatrists, who lacked any empathy,'Caused a drug-induced mania, that almost was the death of me.They prescribed medications that really sickened me,This illness is hard to overcome.3. So I changed doctors, which was real good for me,'Cause I was rapid-cycling, which was a tragedy,It's hard to cope you know, despite years of therapy.This illness is hard to overcome.4. It's been a journey, on an endless highway,...
More About: Lyrics , Bipolar

Bipolar Wellness Priorities (11-15)
2008-01-23 02:11:00
This is the third installment of where I would concentrate my energies and funds if I ran a Bipolar Wellness organization. If you have other ideas, suggestions or comments, I'd love to hear them.11. Stigma. Obviously, it is a terrible stigma for people to be labeled ?mentally ill? and this stigmatization precludes many people from seeking help. Let?s stop talking about the importance of destigmatizing this illness and reclassify it as a behavioral or neurological illness.12. Suicide. Although we know that the majority of suicides committed in the United States each year are due to depression, we need to know why. We also need to know why bipolar depressives kill themselves in disproportionate numbers. Survivors and family members of suicide victims should be interviewed. The purpose would be to determine what treatment options and support services would reduce the rate of suicide.13. Computerized Programs to Assist Treatment. All BIPS should have access to computerized moods char...

Martin Luther King's Birthday
2008-01-21 18:25:00
On August 28, 1963, when I was 13, Dr. Martin Luther King , Jr. delivered his "I Have a Dream" speech in Washington D.C. At the time, I knew that my parents deeply agreed with Dr. King's philosophy and believed that a policy of nonviolence and civil disobedience could end segregation and racial discrimination. I don't remember whether I had an opinion of my own about nonviolence but I sure felt that that Dr. King was a saintly and heroic man.On April 4, 1968, when I was an 18-year-old freshman at the University of California at Berkeley, Reverend King was assassinated. I remember feeling stunned and saddened. Almost 40 years later, in a world that sometimes seems spiraling out of control, I often think about what a visionary Martin Luther King was. I hope today, as people throughout the world celebrate his birthday, they'll celebrate his beliefs as well.
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Writing to Heal
2008-01-20 18:47:00
It's unusual that I post on the weekend and posting twice is still more unusual. Still, I feel compelled to do so because of a email exchange with my friend Howard from Mead on Manhattan and author of Lullabye, Memories, Madness, and Midnight Snacks (which I highly recommend). It was more of a philosophical discussion on why and how we write. I realized that I rarely have the opportunity to write about writing but my observations (stimulated by Howard's) may have application for other bloggers. I've decided to post an edited version of my side of the conversation (with a few additions).I find that when I write out of anger rather than love, it makes me feel worse. Even the "angry" pieces about my mother's care or my siblings behavior were okay for me because the overriding theme was my love for my mother. Awhile ago, when I wrote about friends who had disappointed me, I felt better having done it because it was so heartfelt (for me) and seemed to release the sadness and disapp...
More About: Writing , Laughter , Heal

Bipolar Depression Funding Priorities (6-10)
2008-01-20 09:40:00
This is a continuing list of the 20 top funding priorities and services I'd provide for bipolar depressives.6. Additional Treatment Options. There is evidence to suggest that biofeedback, hypnosis, light therapy, exercise, mindfulness meditation, and yoga (among others) would be helpful adjunctive treatment options. These options should be tested and implemented, and provided free of charge as they are for many cancer survivors.7. Stress. It has been known for some time that stress has a huge relationship to this illness. Every bipolar depressive should be tested to determine how well or poorly he or she responds to stress. There should be a wide array of free stress management classes provided for BIPS.8. Work. Unemployment is a big problem for BIPS. Again, this should be the subject of major research studies. Specifically what are the difficulties in finding work and keeping jobs? Do people who suffer from depression need to do exercise every day at work in order to release stres...
More About: Depression , Funding , Bipolar

Bipolar Depression Funding Priorities (1-5)
2008-01-18 22:10:00
If I were the Bipolar Wellness Czar, I would concentrate my efforts and provide funding for the 20 priorities I plan on outlining in future posts. If some of these are already being pursued and I?m not aware of it, I?m delighted. If you have any comments, I'd like to hear.1. Triggering Event. There needs to be more research on the initial event that triggers people?s first depressive episode. What caused it? Was it a result of the stress of ?life events? or was it a traumatic event or series of events, like sexual abuse or domestic abuse? Did the BIP receive treatment? What kind? Was it effective? How would the BIP evaluate the treatment?2. Personality tests. I am sure there is a plethora of tests that could provide valuable information about whether bipolar depressives have similar personality characteristics. What about our temperaments? Are there qualities we have that contribute to our illness? Are there coping skills we?re missing?3. Physical Examination. Everyone who is diag...
More About: Depression , Funding

Depression Quotes
2008-01-18 06:46:00
If this depressive epsiode goes on much longer--and if I choose to blog during it--I'm not sure when I'll have to take the word "wellness" out of the blog's title. But for the time being...here are some of my favorite quotes on depression."How heavy the days are.There is not a fire that can warm me,not a sun to laugh with me.Everything base.Everything cold and merciless.And even the beloved dear stars look desolately down."~Hermann HesseSteppenwolf"It isn't for the moment you are stuck that you need courage,but for the long uphill climb back to sanity and security."~Anne Morrow Lindberg"The mystics call itthe 'dark night of the soul.'In its milder formsit is best described as a period of dryness.It feels like the absence of God.Prayers seems to mock one.Our spirit becomes so lethargic and confusedthat we are unable to pray at all."~Tom HarpurThe Thinking Person's Guide to God"Sadness flieson the wings of the morningand out of the heart of darknesscomes the light."~Jean Giraudoux
More About: Depression , Quotes

I'm Bipolar: Lyrics
2008-01-17 05:23:00
Although I still feel lousy, I was looking through some lyrics I wrote to songs I like--during a happier time. The following is my rendition of I Feel Pretty from Westside Story by Leonard Bernstein and Stephen Sondheim (1957).I'm Bipolar I?m bipolar, so bipolarI?m expansive, high-flying and free.I?m so manic.That I feel it?s so great to be me.I?m bipolar, so bipolar.I?m so weepy and sleepy and blue,I?m so depressed.Melancholic, somber, and subdued.(Bridge) See the happy girl for an hour or so.Isn?t she ecstatic with glee?Then she seems so sad, suddenly she?s glad, now she?s sad and glad,Such a disparate me!I feel manic. I feel depressed.Feel like cycling right out of my mind.From euphoric to dysphoric is a terrible bind.
More About: Lyrics

A Depression Continues
2008-01-15 20:33:00
These days, when I try to find guidance and hope, I keep on returning to Parker J. Palmer , author of Let Your Life Speak, among other books. Having experienced two lengthly depressive episodes, he provides more guidance to me than most others."Embracing the mystery of depression does not mean passivity or resignation. It means moving into a field of forces that seems alien but is in fact one's deepest self. It means waiting, watching, listening, suffering, and gathering whatever self-knowledge, no matter how difficult. One begins the slow walk back to health by choosing each day things that enliven one's selfhood and resisting things that do not."
More About: Depression

Bipolar Depression Blahs and Dreams
2008-01-11 09:01:00
In a depressive episode, it's difficult to feel passionate about anything. But at the same time, I'm wondering where my passions have gone, and if they'll reappear? I used to say that if I had all the money in the world, I'd write books--which is what I was doing at the time. Now I wonder if writing was an escape as much as it was a passion. Was it the writing that kept me indoors or the illness? Perhaps I've spent so many years writing that maybe it's time to exercise a different side of my brain.What I learned from my mother's dying days is that I could show love without using words. Maybe there's a better way for me to express my thoughts and feelings on a regular basis. Lately, I have had this tremendous need to pursue "crafts" like woodworking or weaving. Since there are no classes close by, today I signed up for photography, badminton, and music theory--anticipating that I'll be well in a few weeks.I'd love to work (a few days a week or a few hours a day) but I'm s...
More About: Dreams , Depression , Work , Hobbies , Bipolar

Therapy
2008-01-10 09:01:00
Tonight, my husband and I talked about how difficult it was for me in therapy to disclose some of the horror I experienced in my depressive episodes. For some reason, it wasn't a part of my make-up to share the "bad stuff." But once I did, the response was so unhelpful and the lack of insight so appalling--that it made me feel worse.It's also inconceivable that it took five therapists and one psychiatrist more than 25 years to diagnose this illness. I was depressed--although fully functional--during my entire undergraduate career. Once I began working, I experienced two semi-annual six week depressive episodes. For most of my life, I could still work during them but the pain and suffering took its toll.I asked my husband how it could be that so many of the therapists I saw were so incompetent. While I had a difficult time expressing my feelings aloud, it would have been easy for me to write about them. I wonder why that isn't an option. And had any of these therapists ever asked ...
More About: Depression , Bipolar , Therapy , Thera

Situational Depression
2008-01-09 18:04:00
In response to my post yesterday about rapid cycling, Marja suggested that perhaps I should have started back a bit more slowly. And it was a good recommendation. But what I realized last night was that my relapse was situational. At lunch, my son (who's starting the University of California at Berkeley next week; having been accepted for the spring semester), asked me how I decided upon my major and made subsequent career decisions.As I was trying to explain what happened, I felt overwhelmed by sorrow (although I tried not to show it). As some of you know, I experienced my first depressive episode four weeks after I started Cal (the same school he's attending). And because I was a mid-semester graduate from high school (they did that in those days--at least in California), I began college in April (two quarters after the June graduation class had started). In those days, there was no freshman orientation for mid-semester students. With two quarters under their belts, it seemed li...
More About: Depression

Side Effects of Medication
2008-01-09 02:59:00
To my readers--I just got a comment on a post from last year on the Side Effects of Medication . I feel too lousy to answer and I've never done CBT. So, if anyone has advice, could you please respond? If you'd like to answer this in your own blog, feel free, and just list the link. Thanks.Dear Thankful,I may be a few months too late for you to see this, but I also was searching the internet for curly hair as a side effect of medication and found this website. I have mild OCD and was diagnosed with bipolar in late June 2007 after my first (and only, I hope!) manic episode. I have taken various medications since then. My hair didn't start getting curly until a couple of months ago, but has gotten very curly since then. Right now I am taking lithium, prozac (for OCD), lamictal, adderall and zanax (as needed). I just eat pills for breakfast (not really!). I have read that lithium can change the texture of your hair, but I also read that it normally goes from curly to straight. I asked...
More About: Bipolar , Side Effects

Rapid Cycling
2008-01-09 02:31:00
Rapid cycling sucks. When I awakened this morning, I was sure my depression had lifted once and for all. It felt like a piece of gauze had been unwrapped from my brain and all the joyful, loving, and happy cells that had been smothered and suffocated from lack of air were tingling with renewed energy as if trying to replenish themselves.My lungs felt like they'd been released from sausage casings and I could breathe again without restriction. And the bindings on my heart were dissolving--allowing my veins and arteries to replenish my system with healthy fresh nutrients.I had a very productive morning. Then I took my son to the doctor and out to lunch. By the time I returned home, I was right back in the abyss. What a horrible illness this is!
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A Virulent Depression
2008-01-07 20:15:00
I thought I was better last Wednesday but then this depression came back with full force and I spent the last five days holding on by my my finger nails. When I'm well, I've got all these clever little activities I do to remain well, but during a depressive episode, none of them work.I played my Autoharp (music therapy) and the guitar. The Autoharp made me think of my mom and I sobbed. The guitar wasn't very satisfying because my skills aren't nearly as good. Since depression destroys my memory, I couldn't remember any of the new notes I was learning. I blew in an out on my harmonica but it didn't even make me smile.I gardened or at least did a lot of yard maintenance (I think I removed every weed and leaf in our backyard and while it was important to remain outside (when it wasn't raining), it didn't improve my mood in the least. What it did provide was a focus to my day and a sense of completion.I tried to research this illness online to see if there's anything new in tre...
More About: Depression , Bipolar

Mood Swing
2008-01-02 18:58:00
Hope everyone had a happy New Year! I'm just coming out of a terrible depressive episode. It's was so disappointing since I'd been well for so long. I'm not yet sure what to do with this blog but while I make my mind up, I'll continue posting.What truly bothers me is that when I begin the slide into the abyss, there's no place to go that's uplifting. I'd like to be with people but I can't sustain conversations with friends. And I don't know anyone, except Syd (from Bipolar ity but she lives so very far away), who could be with me and realize that I can't talk, and my feelings change from one day to the next, and everything looks bleak until it doesn't.And yet it would nice to have a support group, but the only ones I've found are so downbeat as to be really depressing. The idea of sitting in a room with people who feel worse than I do and hear their sad stories--is truly depressing.In fact, I'm not interested in listening to people talk at all. I only feel better when ...
More About: Treatment , Swing , Mood , Bipolar Disorder

Goodbye for Now
2007-12-12 17:39:00
Since February I've posted 236 times. I had hoped to develop a community of people who could share their insight on this illness and their lives. Sadly, only a few people comment on a regular basis.Perhaps my expectations were too high. Maybe, my writing style--which is very personal--doesn't resonate. But, it's time to say goodbye...for now.I need to rethink this blog and what I hope to achieve by writing it. I 'd like to thank you for joining me on this journey. On January 1, I'll post again and let you know what my plans are for the future.
More About: Bipolar , Goodbye

Coping with Depression (Wellness Activity 2)
2007-12-10 19:15:00
Another way I try and cope with depressive episodes is to read inspirational books. One of the books I'm currently reading is Happiness: A Guide to Developing Life's Most Important Skill by Matthieu Ricard.Richard is a Buddhist monk who "had a promising career in cellular genetics before leaving France to study Buddhism in the Himalayas thirty-five years ago. He is a bestselling author, translator, and photographer, and an active participant in current scientific research on the effects of meditation on the brain. He lives in Tibet and Nepal, where he is involved in a variety of humanitarian projects."Ricard writes, "The search for happiness is not about looking at life through rose-colored glasses or blinding oneself to the pain and imperfections of the world. Nor is happiness a state of exaltation to be perpetuated at all costs; it is the purging of mental toxins, such as hatred and obsession, that literally poison the mind."It is also about learning how to put things in perspe...
More About: Depression , Coping , Wellness

Coping with Depression (Wellness Activity 1)
2007-12-07 20:47:00
This morning, as I waited for my medication to kick in (I use a stimulant and it takes about 45 minutes to begin having an impact),I thought back on all the years when I sought help for this illness and how extraordinarily bad the advice and treatment was.The lack of insight about depression and bipolar mood disorder is stunning! The treatment is terrible. The pain it produces is legion. The devastation is inestimable.Then, I stopped that thought process and began focusing on the positive. I said the words that no doctor has ever said to me. "Susan, you need to remember you can heal yourself. You can change your body chemistry by the strength of your personality. You feel good about yourself and have high self-esteem. You must use your strengths to heal yourself."Depressive episodes don't happen in a vacuum. They are triggered by life events. You understand your recent losses and you have felt overwhelmed by sadness. Relatives have deeply disappointed you but this is not new behavi...
More About: Depression , Coping , Wellness

Intermission
2007-12-04 20:32:00
Although writing usually helps me heal, it's making me feel worse rather than better. So, in order to stave off an impending depressive episode, I'm turning to other wellness activities...working outdoors, taking photographs, walking, spending time with friends, and playing music.Hopefully, I'll be better soon and plan on resuming posting on Monday, December 10. To those of you who have written such thoughtful and kind comments, thank you. I'll see you in a week or so.
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Grieving the Death of My Dog (Part 3)
2007-12-04 20:17:00
My husband, son, and I took Murphy to the vet. Dr. O asked if I wanted to be with Murphy when they gave her the injection that would end her life. I said I did and my son said he did as well. Dr. O asked if I wanted her to give Murph a sedative. I said I wanted her to do whatever was most humane.Dr. O took Murphy in the back and put in an IV. They returned a few minutes later. The doctor brought a blanket and I sat on it with Murphy--hugging her, kissing her, and telling her how much I loved her--for the last time.The injections only took a few minutes. Murphy died while I embraced her. I was able to do for my dog what I couldn't do for my mother.
More About: Dogs , Love , Death , Part , Grieving

Grieving the Death of My Dog (Part 2)
2007-12-03 09:01:00
Seven weeks ago when we had to board both of our dogs in order to attend my son's college orientation, I was afraid that Murphy might die while we were gone. Although she didn't look sickly, she'd lost a lot of weight. "I don't want her to die without me," I told my husband, "but I want to focus on Alex's big event." So I vowed to put Murph in the back of my mind and I hoped she would remain well during our absence.Three days later, when I arrived at the kennel to pick up the dogs, Murphy was so glad to see me that she licked my face until I had to dry it with a handkerchief. I laughed aloud; I was relieved and grateful. A few weeks later, I put my mother on hospice. On Wednesday, they told me my mother would probably live until Saturday. On Thursday I talked with the head hospice nurse. "Is there is any possibility my mother might die tonight?" I asked,"because if there is, I will sleep here. I have my pajamas." "No, she has a few days left," the nurse replied. "Are you sure?...
More About: Dogs , Death , Part , Grieving

Grieving the Death of a Dog (Part 1)
2007-12-02 22:53:00
Two months ago on a Sunday morning when Murphy, our ten-year-old black lab, awakened, she had five cysts on her front left leg. They were aligned in a straight row, and unlike other cysts she'd had, they were hard, and appeared over night.I immediately called our vet but because it was a Sunday, we couldn't bring her in until the following day. That afternoon, I went online to research Murphy's symptoms. Everything I read suggested it was cancer. But Murphy seemed so healthy.The next morning, our vet said he'd never seen anything quite like it but he needed a biopsy to be sure. "The fluid is black," he told us. "That's not a good sign.""Is it cancer?" I asked."Probably," he answered.Five days later his diagnosis was confirmed. It was a virulent form of melanoma. I was visiting my dying mother when the vet called and told my husband that Murphy would be dead within one to three months. "This kind of cancer doesn't respond to chemotherapy or radiation," he said. "It's aggressiv...
More About: Dogs , Death , Part , Grieving

In Memorium
2007-12-02 06:46:00
Today, we had to put our ten-year-old black lab, Murphy Bernard, to sleep. She was dying of a virulent form of cancer and her time had come. We loved her dearly, and so did Spike, our black terrier-mix. We will miss her, and so will he!
More About: Dogs , Death

Acts of Kindness
2007-11-30 09:01:00
Leo Babauto, author of Zen Habits wrote a post about acts of kindness (with the goal of bringing people closer together). This is a concept I truly believe in. What prompted him to write was that when he went to the DMV (in Guam where he lives), a woman who works there was particularly helpful and he was so grateful.And yet, when he was talking with his sister Katrina, she said she felt that most people aren't as kind as they used to be. She's noticed that people say "thank you" less often, and don't smile at strangers. They spend less time walking and talking with each other and more time in their cars where they often act rudely. They watch more TV and spend more time on their computers and less time outdoors interacting with others.Leo mentioned that when he thinks of ways for people to establish community and help each other, the image that comes to mind is Amish barn raisings.He is hoping that by offering to do kind things for others (he gave away 50 eBooks to the first 50...
More About: Kindness , Autoharp , Volunteering , Electric Guitar

Where Are The Bipolar Success Stories (Follow-Up)
2007-11-29 09:01:00
There was a burst of activity on the subject of "Where Are the Bipolar Success Stories ? (Part 1) so I decided to follow up. First, I'd like to thank casdok, JayPeeFreely, Syd, and Marja for their contributions. I've highlighted a few of their comments but I'm hoping you'll read them in their entirety.casdok who has an autistic son found the post to be "Food for thought indeed." Perhaps she has similar feelings about the way autism is perceived and the way the media portrays it.JayPeeFreely wrote, "I always find that love is missing from the hearts of people that can't rightly know what it is that people depressed or (psychotic) endure through. They just can't put aside their pre-conceived, pre-ordained notions as to what people under this problem have to get through."I couldn't agree more!Syd wrote, "Unfortunately the media chooses to focus on the most extreme and disturbing cases because they make for higher ratings. And to be honest, many within the BP community perpetuat...

Bipolar Depression Unplugged
2007-11-28 09:01:00
My newest book, Bipolar Depression Unplugged : A Survivor Speaks Out is available as an eBook from Chipmunkapublishing in London. The following is an excerpt."Between 1993 and 2003, I took 25 different medications in different dosages and different combinations. And I got sicker and sicker.One of the most depressing days of my life was in 2003 when I downloaded and read the American Psychiatric Association (APA) 2003 Practice Guideline for the Treatment of Patients with Bipolar Disorder. I wanted to cry. The guidelines for prescribing medication for Somatic Treatments of Acute Depressive Episodes were based on the flimsiest information.I was dumbfounded when I learned that studies on lithium had been completed before 1980. There had been no published controlled studies of valporate (Depakote). The two studies on carbamazepine (Tegretol) included only 36 patients.The studies on lamotrigine (Lamictal) were equally distressing.The summary statement of one study reported ?in a flexible-...

Where Are the Bipolar Success Stories?
2007-11-27 09:19:00
There was an article today in the Los Angeles Times about a meeting place for mentally ill people in their twenties and thirties. The seed money was donated by the parents of a man named Daniel, who was diagnosed as mentally ill when he had a psychotic episode in college many years ago. He went on medication, graduated from college, was a client at another mental health facility and then a staff member, and then he committed suicide.While I imagine the story was intended to be uplifting to low-functioning people in this age group who have no social life, I thought it was yet another depressing article about mental illness.I truly wonder whether being bipolar is so bad or if it's just the treatment that is so ineffective. Isn't there a difference between people who suffer from psychotic episodes and those who suffer from depression? If people who suffer from depression get help--truly effective help that enables them to change their behavioral patterns and stop the triggers--isn't...
More About: Stories , Depression , Success , Bipolar