Ha! Ha! Ha!

RSS Feed Homepage

Articles: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

Never lie to your mother
2007-12-12 21:49:00
A young man called Peter invited his mother for dinner, during the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how handsome Peter's flatmate, Simon was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Peter and his flatmate than met the eye. Reading his mum's thoughts, Peter volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Simon & I are just flatmate's". About a week later, Simon came to Peter saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you?" "Well I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure" said Peter. So he sat down and wrote: DEAR MOTHER, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID" TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID NOT" TAKE THE FRYING PAN BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS ...
More About: Mother

I used to be
2007-12-12 21:36:00
I  tried looking for gold, but it didn't pan out.I tried to make the plump ladies see the error of their weighs.I used to be a banker, but lost interest in the work.I used to be a baker, but I didn't make enough dough.I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.I used to be a blackjack host, but was offered a better deal.I used to work for Budweiser, but then I got canned.I used to be a butler, but found the work wasn't my cup of tea.I used to be a carpenter, but then I got bored.I used to be a doctor, but then I lost patients.I used to be a fisherman, but I got caught playing hooky.I used to work for H&R Block, but it was just too taxing.I used to be a hotel clerk, but then I had reservations.I used to be a nun, but I got expelled because of my dirty habits.I used to be a marathon runner, but couldn't stand the agony of de feet.I used to work at an orange juice factory, but I was canned because I couldn't concentrate.I used to be a railroad conductor, but my bo...

5 things men wish women understood
2007-12-12 19:20:00
1. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down. 2. Don't cut your hair. Ever. 3. Don't make us guess. 4. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. 5. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you.
More About: Women , Things

Short science jokes
2007-12-12 17:20:00
What did one titration tell the other? Let's meet at the endpoint. What's a pirate's favorite amino acid?Aaaarrrrrrrrrginine.
More About: Science , Jokes , Short

Three wishes
2007-12-12 15:49:00
A man was digging in his garden, when his shovel hit a hard object buried in the earth, which revealed itself to be an old bottle sealed with a cork. The man wrenched the cork free and, to his astonishment, there was a cloud of smoke and a clap of thunder. Standing before him was a genie. "As a reward for freeing me, I shall grant you three wishes," said the genie, "But understand, whatever you wish for, your most hated enemy shall receive twice over." The man's most hated enemy happened to be his next door neighbor, Jones. "Let's see. My first wish is..." He looked at his weather beaten bungalow, "...to live in a ten story luxury mansion." The genie clapped his hands and suddenly his minute shack transformed into the most beautiful house he had ever laid eyes on. He heard a cry of astonishment from next door and looked over to see Jones standing in the doorway of his new twenty story mansion. "Now I want fifty of the most beautiful women imaginable." said the man. There was a...
More About: Wishes , Three Wishes

The tomato family
2007-12-12 15:42:00
A mommy tomato, a daddy tomato and a baby tomato are walking down the street. The mom and dad tomato are walking in step and the baby tomato keeps getting behind. The daddy tomato walks over to the baby tomato, squashes him and says ?ketchup!?
More About: Family , Tomato

A short joke
2007-12-12 15:05:00
What did the bolt of fabric tell his daughter when she threatened to run away to India? "Go ahead ... you'll be sari."
More About: Joke , Short

Funny French short jokes
2007-12-12 14:49:00
Q: What are they calling the Germans, French and Belgians, at the Pentagon?A: "The Axis of Weasels." Q. Why do we need France on our side against Saddam and Osama?  A. So the French can show them how to surrender. Q: How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris?  A: Nobody knows, it's never been tried. Q. Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney?  A. Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender. Q. Why did the French plant trees along the Champs Elysees?  A. So the Germans could march in the shade. Q: How many gears does a French tank have?A: 4 reverse and 1 forward, in case the enemy attacks from the rear. Q: How can you identify a French Infantryman?A: Sunburned armpits. Q. What's the difference between Frenchmen and toast? A. You can make soldiers out of toast. Q. What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?  A. The Army. Anyone see the French Military Rifle on eBay? It's never been shot and only drop...
More About: Jokes , Funny , Short

A tip for making a horse work
2007-12-11 21:04:00
An out-of-towner accidentally drives his car into a deep ditch on the side of a country road. Luckily a farmer happened by with his big old horse named Benny. The man asked for help. The farmer said Benny could pull his car out. So he backed Benny up and hitched Benny to the man's car bumper. Then he yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull." Benny didn't move. Then he yelled, "Come on, pull Ranger." Still, Benny didn't move. Then he yelled really loud, "Now pull, Fred, pull hard." Benny just stood. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Okay, Benny, pull." Benny pulled the car out of the ditch. The man was very appreciative but curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, "Oh, Benny is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling he wouldn't even try."
More About: Work , Horse

Kernel and the user process
2007-12-11 20:55:00
What did the kernel say to the user process that wanted to wrestle it? You're not even in my ring.
More About: User , Process , Kernel

In search of a pretty bride
2007-12-11 19:22:00
An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry an extraordinarily beautiful woman so they could produce gorgeous children beyond compare. With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman. Shortly thereafter he met a Redneck who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them. "Well," the Redneck simply replied, "they're all lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Why don't you look 'em over and pick the one you want?" The man was ecstatic, and decided to take each one out to dinner to size them all up. The first night he dated the first daughter. The next day the Redneck asked for the man's opinion. "Well," said the man, "she's just a wee bit -- not that you can hardly notice -- pigeon-toed." The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the secon...
More About: Search , Bride , Pretty

Murderer who wouldn't lend
2007-12-11 18:05:00
Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner." A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You b*stard!" The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a spanner." Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You ****ing b*stard!!!" The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! Now what is the problem?" Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years lived next door to that b*stard. And every time I asked to borrow a ****ing spanner, he said he didn't have one!"
More About: Murderer , Lend

Guess who's my fiancee
2007-12-11 17:41:00
A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 2 other femalefriends in addition to my fiancee and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry". The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry." She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle." "That's amazing, Ma. You're right, how did you know?" "I don't like her."
More About: Guess Who , Fiancee

The man with two *********
2007-12-11 17:11:00
Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean (also Irishmen), were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".So the mortician rolled him over.Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy". The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over".The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said,"No, it ain't Paddy". The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two *********.""What, he had two *********???" said the mortician."Yup, everyone knew he had two *********. Every time we went into town, folks would say, "Here comes Paddy with them two *********."

Al Gore: Funny quotes
2007-12-11 15:50:00
"Former Vice President Al Gore has purchased his own cable television channel. It's going to be the Al Gore TV network. He said it's going to be a lot like C-SPAN, but less exciting." --David Letterman "As the presumptive Democratic nominee, Kerry is protected by the secret service. I don't want to say Kerry is boring, but his secret service code name is Al Gore." --Jay Leno "John Kerry will be the Democratic nominee for president. Democrats finally found someone who is Al Gore without the flash and the sizzle." --Craig Kilborn "President Bush's dog Spot passed away ... so they took Spot back to the ranch in Texas ... and buried him next to, I believe, 10,000 Al Gore ballots." --David Letterman "Howard Dean dropped out.Let's face it, Dean never recovered from that unforgettable disaster in the beginning: Al Gore's endorsement." --Craig Kilborn "The White House has now released military documents that they say prove George Bush met his requirements for the National Guard. ...
More About: Funny , Quotes

Meat for comrades
2007-12-11 15:19:00
Sometime in the 1970s a shipment of meat arrives in a town in the Soviet  Union. The townspeople line up at the town store to wait to be given their rations. After about an hour, a man comes out of the store and announces, "Comrades, I'm sorry to tell you, but there isn't enough meat for everyone, so the Jews have to leave." The Jews in the line leave grumbling. About an hour later, the man comes out of the store and announces, "Comrades, I'm sorry to tell you this, but there isn't enough meat for everyone, so anyone who is not a member of the Communist party will have to leave." More grumbling as the non-Party members depart. Another hour goes by and the man comes out of the store again and announces, "Comrades, I'm sorry to tell you this, but there isn't enough meat for everyone in the line, so anyone who wasn't a member of the Party before 1956 has to leave." More grumbling as all the younger Party members leave. A few old people remain in the line. Another hour go...
More About: Meat

Marketing concepts explained
2007-12-11 14:31:00
Professor at a business school explaining marketing concepts to Students 1. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. "Marry me!" - That's Direct Marketing " 2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says: "He's very rich. "Marry him." -That's Advertising" 3. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day, you call and say: "Hi, I'm very rich. "Marry me - That's Telemarketing" 4. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink, you open the door (of the car) for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her ride and then say: "By the way, I'm rich. Will you "Marry Me?" - That's Public Relations 5. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says:"You are very rich! "Can you marry ! me?" - That's Brand Recognit...
More About: Concepts

Comedihens horsepital
2007-12-11 14:04:00
Where do you take sick ponies?To the horsepital! What do you say if you see a flying pig?'I see bacon's going up'! Who tells chicken jokes?Comedihens! What do you get if you cross pigs with a lot of grapes?A swine gut!

How do you become a daddy?
2007-12-10 15:12:00
I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that. ?Why?? my daughter asked.?Because it?s been on the ground, you don?t know where it?s been, it?s dirty and probably has germs? I replied. At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, ?Mommy, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart.?I was thinking quickly. ?All moms know this stuff. It?s on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don?t let you be a Mommy.?We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.?OH?I get it!? she beamed, ?So if you don?t pass the test you have to be the daddy.?
More About: Daddy

12 funny quotes
2007-12-08 03:33:00
?There?s a reason they call it space. If there was something there, they?d call it stuff." - Joey Kola on massive spending on the space program?My friend was told by her doctor that she was morbidly obese ... as if she doesn?t have enough on her plate.? - Jimmy Carr?I?m so paranoid about my kids being grabbed by someone that I only let my daughter hang out with better-looking kids.? - Kenny Robinson?The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means.? - Zach Galifianakis?This is the first year Canada Customs gets guns. Next year they get bullets.? - Jazz Mann?I went to a Chinese restaurant and there was a suggestion box, so I wrote ?Free Tibet?.? - Mike DiStefano?Viagra has instructions: ?Keep away from children? ? what kind of man do you think I am?? - Jimmy Carr?My wife thinks a B&B is a romantic getaway. I think it?s creepy, sharing coffee with strangers who were eavesdropping on you the night before.? - Tom Papa?There are no good roles for Indians in Hollywood, unless you?re s...
More About: Funny , Quotes

Psychiatrist to the rescue
2007-12-06 10:53:00
A mother, visiting a department store, took her son to the toy department. Spying a gigantic rocking horse the boy climbed up on it and rocked back and forth for almost an hour."Come on, Son," the mother pleaded. "I have to get home to get father's dinner."The little lad refused to budge, and all her efforts were unavailing. The department manager also tried to coax the little fellow without meeting with any success.Eventually, in desperation they called the store's psychiatrist. Gently he walked over and whispered a few words in the boy's ear, and immediately the lad jumped off and ran to his mother's side."How did you do it?" the mother asked incredibly. "What did you say to him?"The psychiatrist hesitated for a moment, then said, "All I said was, `If you don't jump off that rocking horse at once, son, I'll knock the stuffing out of you!'"
More About: Rescue , Psychiatrist

Laughing in the face of danger
2007-12-04 21:18:00
One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck. The truck?s driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car. He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle. Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires. The blonde started laughing. This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield. This time the blonde laughed even harder. Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car. The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what?s so funny. The blonde giggles and replies, ?When you weren?t looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!?
More About: Face , Danger , Laughing

199 ways to get rid of your roommate
2007-12-03 02:04:00
1. When talking to your roommate, alternate the pitch of your voice.2. Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.3. Twitch a lot.4. Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.5. Buy a fish tank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them.6. Become a sub genius.7. Pretend to type in the middle of the air. Complain about how slow the computer has been recently.8. Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up out of your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin.9. Speak in tongues.10. Move you roommate?s personal objects around. Start subtly. Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he owns to the ceiling.11. Walk and talk backwards.12. Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in the middle of your room. Number them.13. Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, ?They?re more than meets the ey...

SMS report
2007-12-03 01:04:00
Sardar sent a SMS to his pregnant wife. Two seconds later a report came to his phone and he started dancing. The report said, "DELIVERED".
More About: Report

14 hilarious one liners
2007-12-03 00:51:00
Practice makes a man perfect.....But nobody's perfect..... .so why practice?Money is not everything. There's MasterCard & Visa.Save water. Shower with your girl friend.Love thy neighbor. But don't get caught.Behind every successful man, there is a woman. And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.Every man should marry. After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.Never put off the work till tomorrow what you can put off today.Love is photogenic - It needs darkness to developChildren in backseats cause accidents - Accidents in backseats cause childrenThere should be a better way to start a day - Than waking up every morning"Hard work never killed anybody" - But why take the risk !God made relatives; - Thank God we can choose our friends.When two's company, - three's the result!
More About: Hilarious , Liners

Advice from a guru
2007-12-02 02:44:00
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative the same night.2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be ?meetings.?3. There is a very fine line between ?hobby? and ?mental illness.?4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.5. You should not confuse your career with your life.6. Nobody cares if you can?t dance well. Just get up and dance. (This one is very important.)7. Never lick a steak knife.8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she?s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other pe...
More About: Advice , Guru

How to take a tiger for a walk
2007-12-02 01:15:00
Tigers really are as big and poofy and soft as they look, and they purr like a freight train going by. You find this out by taking one for a walk. To take a tiger for a walk, you first need a tiger. Tigers fresh from the bush are not recommended for the inexperienced. What you need is one who?s used to the procedure. He or she is thus liable to be merely playful, rather than actively irritated. You also need a friend, whom you really, really trust. The friend carries an apple wood cane; apple, or some other wood which will bend under stress rather than shattering. This, friend, is your backup, and the cane is his or her only tool for everything, from knocking stuff out of the way that the tiger is liable to eat, to crowd control, to hooking on and madly hanging on if things go wrong.What YOU carry is a ten foot length of pass-link chain. This is your leash.Pass-link chain is the stuff where the links will fit through each other. This is important. You need this so you can hook on a ...
More About: Tiger , Walk

Four advantages of breast milk
2007-12-01 23:57:00
A not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom, staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed: ?Give four advantages of breast milk.?What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:1. No need to boil.2. Never goes sour.3. Available whenever necessary.So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a fourth answer. Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again. Suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer:4. Available in attractive containers of varying sizes.He received an A.
More About: Milk , Breast , Breast Milk , Advanta , Ages

2 funny puns
2007-12-01 23:34:00
Very early one morning two birds are sitting at the side of a large puddle of oil. They see a worm on the other side. So ? the one flies over and the other one swims through-which one gets to the worm first? The one who swam, of course, because ?Da oily boid gets da woim.?There was a man who entered a local paper?s pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
More About: Funny , Puns

12 humiliating insults
2007-12-01 23:07:00
You must have gotten up on the wrong side of the cage this morning.I would ask you how old you are, but I know you can?t count that high.In the next life, you?ll blaze a way for us.You are master in your own house ? the doghouse!When you die, I?d like to go to your funeral, but I?ll probably have to go to work that day. I believe in business before pleasure.You make me believe in reincarnation. Nobody can be as stupid as you in one lifetime.Believe me, I don?t want to make a monkey out of you. Why should I take all the credit?I hear you are very kind to animals, so please give that face back to the gorilla.Keep talking. I always yawn when I?m interested.Some day you will find yourself ? and wish that you hadn?t.People clap when they see you ? their hands over their eyes or ears.Whatever is eating you ? must be suffering horribly.
More About: Insults , Insult