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11 stinking insults
2007-12-01 22:00:00
Why don?t you go to the library and brush up on your ignorance?I hear you changed your mind! What did you do with the diaper?You have an inferiority complex ? and it?s fully justified.You are not as bad as people say ? you are worse!Do you have to leave so soon? I was about to poison the tea.I?m busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?Whom am I calling ?stupid?? I don?t know. What?s your name?Take a vacation; go to Club Dead.Your mouth is getting too big for your muzzle.You are as strong as an ox and almost as intelligent.You are living proof of reincarnation. No one could possibly get to be so stupid in just one lifetime.
More About: Insults , Stinking , Insult

A dollar per point
2007-12-01 21:44:00
A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying ?A dollar per point.? The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $56 change.
More About: Dollar , Point

Hazards of kissing
2007-12-01 18:17:00
A professor was warning his students against the hazards of kissing. “You should know when a boy kisses a girl transfers 40,000 germs from his mouth to that of his girl friend. What can you do about that?”Pat came the reply from a girl, “You should give him back all his germs the same way.”
More About: Kissing

Stupid answering machine messages
2007-11-28 20:22:00
Hello, please send me email instead. I always never playback these stupid answering machine messages. Besides, I am probably online right now.
More About: Machine , Stupid , Messages , Erin , Mach

All positive integers are equal
2007-11-27 20:51:00
Theorem: All positive integers are equal.Proof: Sufficient to show that for any two positive integers, A and B, A = B.Further, it is sufficient to show that for all N > 0, if A and B (positive integers) satisfy (MAX(A, B) = N) then A = B.Proceed by induction.If N = 1, then A and B, being positive integers, must both be 1. So A = B.Assume that the theorem is true for some value k. Take A and B with MAX(A, B) = k+1. Then MAX((A-1), (B-1)) = k. And hence (A-1) = (B-1). Consequently, A = B.
More About: Equal , Positive

The psychiatrist from Texas
2007-11-27 20:11:00
The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. ?Just to establish some parameters,? said the professor to the student from Arkansas, ?What is the opposite of joy?? ?Sadness,? said the student. And the opposite of depression?? he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma. ?Elation,? said she. ?And you sir,? he said to the young man from Texas , ?how about the opposite of woe?? The Texan replied, ?Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up.?
More About: Psychiatrist , Chia

8 elephant jokes
2007-11-27 20:06:00
What's grey, has a wand, huge wings and gives money to elephants?The tusk fairy!What has 3 tails, 4 trunks and 6 feet?An elephant with spare parts!What?s grey but turns red?An embarrassed elephant!What?s grey, beautiful and wears glass slippers?Cinderelephant!When should you feed milk to a baby elephant?When it?s a baby elephant!How do you know when there is an elephant under your bed?When your nose touches the ceiling!What do you call an elephant that flies?A jumbo jet!What did the grape say when the elephant stood on it?Nothing, it just let out a little wine!
More About: Jokes , Elephant

Wisconsin strange laws!
2007-11-27 18:51:00
You must manually flush all urinals in a building.Butter substitutes are not allowed to be served in state prisons.Citizens may not murder their enemies.Whenever two trains meet at an intersection of said tracks, neither shall proceed until the other has.As people used to smuggle it in from Illinois, all yellow butter substitute is banned.At one time, margarine was illegal.State Law made it illegal to serve apple pie in public restaurants without cheese.While all cheese making requires a license, Limburger cheese making requires a master cheese maker’s license.It is illegal to kiss on a train.It is illegal to cut a woman’s hair.Car dealerships cannot sell cars on Sunday.
More About: Laws , Wisconsin , Strange , Tran

Dresden bombing by RAF was a mistake
2007-11-26 02:17:00
Q: Why was the Dresden bombing a mistake ?A: The RAF made a (H)ASH of it!
More About: Bombing , Mista

11 funniest gay one liners
2007-11-26 01:26:00
How can you make a gay man scream twice?Fudge him real hard. Then wipe your d*ck off on his curtains.Why did the little Greek boy run away from home?He didn't like the way he was being reared.Why do so many gays have mustaches?To hide the stretch marks.Did you hear about the homosexual electron?Went around blowing fuses.Did you hear about the homosexual letter?Only came in male boxes.What do you call 50 lesbians and 50 government employees in one room?100 people that don''t do d*ck!Did you hear about the two lesbians who bought an organ so they could play hymns?What do you call a gay bar with no bar stools?A fruit stand.What does a gay man and an ambulance have in common?They both get loaded from the rear and go whoo-whoo!How can you tell if your house was built by lesbian carpenters?All tongue-in-groove, with no studs.What''s the difference between a gay rodeo and a straight rodeo?At a straight rodeo everyone yells, "Ride that sucker"
More About: Liners

Gay one liners
2007-11-26 01:06:00
Q: What do the rabbis do with foreskin after a circumcision?A: Give it to the gays for chewing gum!
More About: Liners

Kermit the frog, Mick Jagger and the Rolling Stones
2007-11-26 00:57:00
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her name plate that her name is Patricia Whack. “Miss Whack, I’d like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.”Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger , and that it’s okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, “Sure. I have this,” and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she’ll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, “There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.” She holds up the tiny pink elephant. “I mean, what in the world is this?” The bank manager looks back at her and says… “It’s a ...
More About: The Rolling Stones , Rolling Stones , Frog , Rolling

15 funniest definitions of teenager
2007-11-25 22:30:00
A Teenager is…A person who can’t remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number.A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast.A youngster who receives his/her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows from his/her best friend on Wednesday.Someone who can hear a song by Madonna played three blocks away but not his mother calling from the next room.A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but can’t make a bed.A student who will spend 12 minutes studying for her history exam and 12 hours for her driver’s license.A youngster who is well informed about anything he doesn’t have to study.An enthusiast who has the energy to ride a bike for miles, but is usually too tired to dry the dishes.A connoisseur of two kinds of fine music: Loud and Very Loud.A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates her brother.A person who is always late for dinner but always on time for a rock concert.A romantic who never falls ...
More About: Definitions , Ager

Dallas: Crazy law
2007-11-25 22:25:00
It’s illegal to possess realistic dildos.
More About: Dallas , Crazy , Alla

Cranford: Crazy law
2007-11-25 20:26:00
Citizens are not permitted to park their own boat on their lawn.
More About: Crazy , Cran

New movie "Constipation"
2007-11-25 18:24:00
Did you hear about the new movie ”Constipation ?”It hasn’t come out yet.
More About: Movie , Tipa

A soldier fond of his officers
2007-11-25 16:34:00
A British Army colonel was reviewing the troops in colonial India. One man he passed sported an enormous erection.“Sergeant-Major!” the colonel shouted. “Give this man 30 days compassionate home leave.”“Yessir,” the Sgt. Major replied.A few months later the same thing occurred with the same man.“Sergeant-Major! Give this man another 30 days compassionate home leave,” the Colonel barked.A few months later, same guy, same problem.The Colonel is angry. “Sergeant-Major! Haven’t we given this man two compassionate home leaves?”“Yessir,” the Sgt. Major replies.“Then what’s his problem, Sgt. Major?” the Colonel asks.The Sgt. Major salutes and says, “Sir. It’s you he’s fond of.”
More About: Soldier , Officers , Fond

Parking problem
2007-11-25 14:18:00
There was this Filipino who had a very big truck. One day, he went to a coliseum to see a baseball game. All the parking spaces were taken except one which said “COMPACT”.He backed up to park in it, then a police officer came up to him and asked, “Sir, what are you doing?”He replied, “I’m parking here.”The officer said, “Sir, you cannot park here it is a “COMPACT”.So, the guy left and came back, then he went to the same parking space to park. The officer is like “what are you doing sir? I told you it was compact!”The guy said, “I know I did what you said I “COMPACT” I left and “COMPACT”.
More About: Parking , Problem

Code phrase for the president
2007-11-25 13:36:00
What code phrase did Betty Currie, the President ’s personal secretary, use to let Clinton know Monica Lewinsky was coming down for a visit?”“Your Jew’s harpist is here to play ‘Hail to the Chief.’”
More About: Code , The President

Chemistry test is fun
2007-11-25 03:21:00
Lab Reports(to the tune of “Jingle Bells”)Dashing through the labwith a ten page lab reportTaking all those testsand laughing at them allBells for fire drills ringmaking spirits brightWhat fun it is to laugh and singa chemistry song tonight.Oh, lab report, lab reports,reacting all the wayOh what fun it is to studyfor a chemistry test today, Hey!Chemistry test, chemistry testisn’t it a blastOh what fun it is to takea chemistry test and pass.
More About: Test

American Express Card in China
2007-11-25 03:16:00
Q: Did you hear about the new American Express Card they are issuing in Red China ?A: You never leave home.

12 funny insults
2007-11-24 23:25:00
I’ve hated your looks from the stare they gave me.Don’t you need a license to be that ugly?Moonlight becomes you — total darkness even more!Someone took a photo of you once, but it didn’t turn out. You could be seen too clearly.So you finally managed to get the last laugh [word]; a long time ago.You should do some soul-searching. Maybe you’ll find one.The overwhelming power of the sex drive was demonstrated by the fact that someone was willing to father you.I hear you were born on April 2; a day too late!I hope you never get a tetanus shot; maybe you’ll windup with lockjaw.I you are in your right mind, I hope you go insane!If I told you that I have a piece of dirt in my eye, would you move?Do you want me to accept you as you are, or do you want me to like you?
More About: Funny , Insults , Insult

Funny poem
2007-11-24 22:54:00
I chanced to pass a windowWhile walking through a mallWith nothing much upon my mind,Quite blank as I recall.I noticed in that windowA cranky-faced old man,And why he looked so crankyI didn’t understand.Just why he looked at ME that wayWas more than I could seeUntil I came to realizeThat cranky man was ME!
More About: Funny , Poem

10 funny one-liners
2007-11-24 22:34:00
The obscure we see eventually; the completely apparent takes a little longer.The one item you want is never the one on sale.The one thing that money can not buy is poverty.The one who does the least work will get the most credit.The one who says it can’t be done should never interrupt the one doing it.The one you want is never the one on sale.The only important information in a hierarchy is who knows what.The only knowledge that can hurt you is the knowledge you don’t have.The only real errors are human errors.The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it is unfamiliar territory.
More About: Funny , Liners

Funny one line jokes
2007-11-24 21:47:00
People who complain about the way the ball bounces usually dropped it.People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either of them being made.People who think they know everything upset those of us who do.People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first.People will believe anything if you whisper it.People will buy anything that is one-to-a-customer.People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.Perfection is achieved only on the point of collapse.Performance is directly affected by the perversity of inanimate objects.Perhaps your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
More About: Jokes , Funny , Line

4 tips for a longer life
2007-11-23 17:37:00
A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I would like to live very long. What should I do?""I think that is a wise decision," the doctor replies. "Let's see, do you smoke?" "Oh.. Half a pack a day." "Starting NOW, no more smoking." The man agrees.The doctor then asks, "Do you drink?" "Oh, well Doc, not much, just a bit of wine with my meals, and a beer or two every once in a while." "Starting now, you drink only water. No exceptions." The man is a bit upset, but also agrees.The doctor asks, "How do you eat?" "Oh, well, you know, Doc, normal stuff." "Starting now you are going on a very strict diet. You are going to eat only raw vegetables, with no dressing, and non-fat cottage cheese." The man is now really worried. "Doc, is all this really necessary?" "Do you want to live long?" "Yes." "Well then, it's absolutely necessary. And don't even think of breaking the diet."The man is quite restless, but the doctor continues, "Do you have sex?" "Yeah, once a week or so..., only with my ...
More About: Life , Tips

Invisible sister
2007-11-23 02:28:00
Doctor, doctor my sister here keeps thinking she’s invisible.What sister?
More About: Sister , Invisible , Visible

Lemon squeezing contest
2007-11-23 02:03:00
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and then hand the rest of the lemon over.Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.Many people had tried over time( weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, “I’d like to try the bet.” After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender payed the $1000, and asked the little man, “What do you do for a living?”The man replied, “I work for the IRS.”
More About: Contest , Lemon

Intelligent women tend not to be good looking
2007-11-23 01:50:00
The following is supposedly a true story.Bangkok, Thailand A member of the ruling junta who oversees Thai Airways International has ordered the carrier to hire more-attractive stewardesses. “We have received a lot of complaints that our air hostesses are not pretty enough, too old and unsmiling,” Air Chief Marshal Kaset Rojananil said. In an interview published in “The Nation”, "the airline has been hiring too many college-educated women", he said, adding: “Intelligent women tend not to be good looking.”
More About: Women , Tend , Good , Gent

Indiana strange laws
2007-11-23 01:34:00
One man may not back into a parking spot because it prevents police officers from seeing the license plate.Baths may not be taken between the months of October and March.All males 18 to 50 years old must work six days a year on public roads.Mustaches are illegal if the bearer has a tendency to habitually kiss other humans.Hotel sheets must be exactly 99 inches long and 81 inches wide.State government officials who engage in private duels can be dismissed from their post.Drinking from your own bottle in a bar can lead to your arrest.A man over the age of 18 may be arrested for statutory rape if the passenger in his car is not wearing her socks and shoes, and is under the age of 17.It is illegal to sell cars on Sunday.Drinks on the house are illegal.It is illegal for a liquor store to sell cold soft drinks.A person who dyes, stains, or otherwise alters the natural coloring of a bird or rabbit commits a Class B misdemeanor. (Ind. Code 15-2.1-21-13(b)Smoking in the state legislature bui...
More About: Indiana , Laws , Strange , Tran