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Wristwatch or grandfather clock?
2008-04-18 15:38:00
A little old man in the city, living in an apartment on the tenth floor of an urban apartment building, had an antique grandfather clock. This particular clock was unusually large, and he had owned it for a long time and was naturally very fond of it. But, the grandfather clock stopped running, and he couldn't get a repairman to come to his apartment to fix it. A clock repairman down the street said he'd fix it, but that he didn't make house calls. And so, the old man made an appointment to have his clock fixed.He moved the clock from the apartment to the hall, barely getting it through the small door of his apartment. Then he carried it down the hall, stopping every ten feet to rest, until he reached the elevator. This was the easy part, but when he got to the lobby, he encountered the revolving front doors. After struggling with the clock for half an hour, he finally got it to the street. Then he struggled down the street with it, again stopping every ten feet or so to ...
More About: Clock , Grandfather , Wristwatch

Infrequent sex
2008-04-18 15:29:00
In a small town, an elderly couple had been dating each other for a long time.At the urging of their friends, they decided it was finally time for marriage.Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship."How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly."Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say... I would like it infrequently. "The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and casually asked ............"Is that one word or two?"

Fathead
2008-04-18 15:17:00
A man and his son walk into an ice cream parlor. The man orders a vanilla cone, looks at his son, slaps him on the back of the head and asks, ?What do you want, Fathead??The guy at the counter is appalled. He questions the man on his actions, to which the man replies, ?There are three things a man wants in life:1. A big truck. You see that truck out there? Biggest damn truck in town;2. A nice house. I got the nicest house in the county; and3) A tight woman.Had me one of those too, until Fathead here came along??

Caught cheating
2008-04-18 15:09:00
I was thrown out of NYU. On my metaphysics final, they caught me cheating. I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me. - Woody Allen
More About: Cheating , Caught

Being a writer
2008-04-18 14:52:00
Three guys are sitting at a bar.#1: ??Yeah, I make $75,000 a year after taxes.?#2: ?What do you do for a living??#1: ?I?m a stockbroker. How much do you make?#2: ?I should clear $60,000 this year.?#1: ?What do you do??#2: ?I?m an architect.?The third guy has been sitting there quietly, staring into his beer, when the others turn to him.#2: ?Hey, how much do you make per year??#3: ?Gee? hmmm? I guess about $13,000.?#1: ?Oh yeah? What kind of stories do you write??
More About: Writer

Male mentality
2008-04-18 14:49:00
A screenwriter comes home to a burned down house. His sobbing and slightly-singed wife is standing outside. ?What happened, honey?? the man asks.?Oh, John, it was terrible,? she weeps. ?I was cooking, the phone rang. It was your agent. Because I was on the phone, I didn?t notice the stove was on fire. It went up in second. Everything is gone. I nearly didn?t make it out of the house. Poor Fluffy is???Wait, wait. Back up a minute,? The man says. ?My agent called??
More About: Male

Life?s Little Questions?
2008-04-18 14:45:00
Why is it that men can react to broken bones as ?just a sprain? and deep wounds as ?just a scratch?, but when they get the sniffles they are deathly ill ?with the flu? and have to be bedridden for weeks? How come we never hear any father-in-law jokes? Why do men forget everything and women remember everything?
More About: Life , Questions

A panicked broker
2008-04-17 15:42:00
A broker was dismayed when a brand new real estate office much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read ?BEST AGENTS.?He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading ?LOWEST COMMISSIONS.?The broker panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own real estate office. It read: ?MAIN ENTRANCE?
More About: Broker

Flowers with a note
2008-04-17 15:39:00
A client bought a new home and the broker wanted to send flowers for the occasion.They arrived at the home and the owner read the card; it said ?Rest in Peace?.The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said.?Sir, I?m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, ?Congratulations on your new home?.
More About: Flowers , Note

God, we don?t need you anymore!
2008-04-17 15:35:00
God was sitting in heaven one day when a scientist said to Him, ?God, we don?t need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing - in other words, we can now do what you did in the beginning.??Oh, is that so? Explain?? replies God. ?Well,? says the scientist, ?we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of you and breathe life into it, thus creating man.??Well, that?s very interesting? show Me.?So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil into the shape of a man. ?No, no, no?? interrupts God, ?Get your own dirt.?

Fire-fighting: A mathematical solution!
2008-04-17 15:02:00
An Engineering, a Physicist, and a Mathematician are staying in a hotel.In the middle of the night, the fire alarm goes off. The Engineer is the first to wake. He runs out to the hall, sees a fire off in the distance, and gets to work. He runs back to his room, grabs his ice bucket, fills it with water, and runs quickly back to the hall to douse the flames.Later, the alarm goes off again, this time waking the Physicist. The Physicist sees another fire in the hallway, runs back to retrieve the ice bucket, patiently fills it with just enough water put out the fire (keeping in mind the rate at which the fire spreads while he?s filling the bucket), walks carefully to just the right distance from the fire, and gently tosses the water from the bucket, forming a perfect arc and putting out the fire without a drop of excess water.The fire alarm goes off a third time, and the Mathematician wakes up. He runs outside of his room, sees the fire in the hall, remembers the ice bucket in his room,...
More About: Fighting , Fire , Solution

Notes from Alabama
2008-04-16 17:36:00
These are real notes written by parents in an ALABAMA school district. Spelling errors have been left intact.1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.10. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.11. Pleaseexcuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. Shehad diahre dyrea direathe the shits.1...
More About: Alabama , Notes

A yummy cup od tea!
2008-04-16 17:34:00
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.Then she says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet?'
More About: Yummy

A Tennessee fan!
2008-04-16 17:31:00
One day in an elementary school in Knoxville, a teacher asks her class if the Tennessee Volunteers are their favorite basketball team. The whole class says yes, except for Little Jimmy.The teacher asks, "What's your favorite basketball team Jimmy?"Little Jimmy says, "The Memphis Tigers"The teacher asks, "Well, why is that?"Little Jimmy says, "Well, my dad is a Tiger fan, my mom is a Tiger fan, I guess that makes me a Tiger fan."The teacher, angered by his reply, says, "If your dad was a moron and your mom was an idiot what would that make you?"Little Jimmy says, "Well, I guess that would make me a Tennessee fan."

Once twice thrice
2008-04-16 17:27:00
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon,"explained the lady. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my husband's mule stumbled."My husband quietly said 'That's once.'We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my husband quietly said, 'That's twice.'We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My husband promptly removed a revolver from his pocket and shot him. I started to protest over his treatment of the mule when he looked at me and quietly said 'That's once.'"
More About: Thrice

Bad time for talking business!
2008-04-16 16:57:00
The banker fell overboard from a friend?s sailboat.The friend grabbed a life preserver, held it up, not knowing if the banker could swim, and shouted, ?Can you float alone???Obviously,? the banker replied, ?but this is a heck of a time to talk business.?
More About: Business , Time , Talking

A fatal mistake
2008-04-16 15:14:00
As an elderly lady sat on her front porch reflecting on her long life, a Fairy Godmother suddenly appeared and offered to fulfill three wishes for her."Well," said the woman, "I guess I'd like to be rich."POOF: The Fairy Godmother turned her rocking chair into solid gold."And I wouldn't mind being a young and beautiful princess."POOF: The Fairy Godmother turned the old woman into an exquisite young princess, with a priceless crown of jewels."Your third wish?" asked the Fairy Godmother. "Could you possibly turn my wonderful dog into a handsome prince?"POOF: There, in front stood the most handsome young man anyone had ever seen. She stared at him in awe, completely smitten.As he came toward her, her knees weakened. He bent down, brushing his lips across her ear as he whispered, "I bet you are sorry you had me neutered."
More About: Fatal

Genie and the Blonds
2008-04-16 14:08:00
Three blondes are stuck on a desert island and one finds a magic lamp. They rub it and a genie pops out and gives them each a wish.The first blonde says, "I wish I was 10% smarter so I could get off of this island." Then she turns into a redhead and swims off the island.The second see's what happens and says, "I wish I was 25% smarter so that I can get off this island!" She then turns into a brunette, makes a raft from trees and sails off.Finally, the third blonde says, "I wish I was 50% smarter so I can get off this island." She then suddenly turns into a man and walks across the bridge.
More About: Genie

I never felt better in my life!
2008-04-16 13:09:00
There was a man driving a pickup truck down a country road, when suddenly he was broad sided by a trailer truck. Some time went by, and the case got to court. The defense attorney said to the plaintiff,"How can you be suing my client now when you told a trooper after the accident that you felt fine?"The man replied,"Well sir, it was like this. We was drivin' down the road, mindin' our own business, when a big trailer truck came out of nowhere and creamed us. When I came to, I was in the ditch, and a trooper was pullin' up with his car. He looked at the hogs, and they was 'most dead, so he shot 'em. Then he looked at my dog, and he was hurt real bad, so he shot him. Then he came over to me and he said, 'How you feeling?'""I said, I never felt better in my life."
More About: Life , My Life , Felt

Dating a homeless person
2008-04-15 18:01:00
What's so good about dating a homeless person?You get to drop them off anywhere.
More About: Dating , Homeless , Person

What comes first, Day or Night?
2008-04-15 14:32:00
There was a student who was desirous of taking admission for a study course. He was smart enough to get through the written test, a GD and was to appear for the personal interview. Later, as the interview progressed, the interviewer found this boy to be bright since he could answer all the questions correctly. The interviewer got impatient and decided to corner the boy."Tell me your choice," said he to the boy, "What's your choice: I shall either ask you ten easy questions or ONE real difficult. Think well before you make up your mind."The boy thought for a while and said, "My choice is ONE real difficult question.""Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice!" said the man on the opposite side. Tell me: What comes first, Day or Night ?"The boy was jolted first but he waited for a while and said:"It's the DAY, sir.""How???????" the interviewer was smiling ("At last, I got you!" he said to himself.)"Sorry sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a SECOND difficult ...

Yo mama's so fat!
2008-04-15 14:29:00
Yo mama's so fat, when she brought her dress to the cleaners, they said "Sorry, we don't do curtains."

Who gets the money?
2008-04-15 14:23:00
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill.Who gets the money?The old drunk, of course.The other three are mythological creatures.
More About: Money

A small prize
2008-04-15 14:20:00
A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, and they end up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears.Hundreds of small bears are on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones are on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears are on the top shelf along the wall. The man is kind of surprised by the collection, especially because it?s so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her.She turns to him?they kiss?then they rip each other?s clothes off and romp around the room all night. After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, ?Well, how?d I do??The woman says, ?You can have any prize from the bottom shelf.?
More About: Small

Light Bulb Change and the Bush Administration
2008-04-15 12:49:00
How many members of the Bush administration does it take to change a light bulb?1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed;2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed;3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb;4. One to arrange the invasion of a country rumored to have a secret stockpile of light bulbs;5. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Halliburton for the new light bulb;6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on a step ladder under the banner: Light Bulb Change Accomplished;7. One administration insider to resign and write a book documenting in detail how Bush was literally in the dark;8. One to viciously smear #7;9. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has had a strong light-bulb-changing policy all along;10. And finally one to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.
More About: Bush administration , Administration

The first date
2008-04-15 11:59:00
A young man is about to go on his first date and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice. The father replies: ?My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy.?The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy?s nervousness builds. He remembers his father?s advice, and chooses the first topic. He asks the girl: ?Do you like potato pancakes?? She says ?No,? and the silence returns.After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father?s suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, ?Do you have a brother?? Again, the girl says ?No? and there is silence once again.The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father?s advice and asks the girl the following question: ?If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes??

A liberal and the conservatives
2007-12-12 22:29:00
A liberal came upon a genie and said, "You're a genie. Can you grant me three wishes?" The genie replied, "Yes, but only if you're feeling generous enough to share your good fortune." The liberal said, "I'm a liberal. I'm always happy to share." The genie said, "O.K., then, whatever you wish for, I'll give every conservative in the country two of it. What's your first wish?" "I would like a new sports car." "O.K., you've got it, and every conservative in the country gets two sports cars. What's your second wish?" "I'd like a million dollars." "O.K., you get a million dollars, every conservative gets two million dollars. What's your third and final wish?" "Well, I've always wanted to donate a kidney."
More About: Liberal , Conservatives , The Con

Johnny Carson: Funny quotes
2007-12-12 22:19:00
"Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president." "Ronald Reagan just signed the new tax law. But I think he was in Hollywood too long. He signed it, 'Best wishes, Ronald Reagan.'" "There is a power struggle going on between President Reagan's advisers. Moe and Curly are out. Larry is still in." "Nancy Reagan fell down and broke her hair." "He doesn't dye his hair, he bleaches his face." -on Ronald Reagan "That would have been a great ticket, Reagan and Ford -- an actor and a stuntman." "You get the feeling that Dan Quayle's golf bag doesn't have a full set of irons?" "Read my lips: No new promises." -on George H.W. Bush On Jimmy Carter: Carson as Carnac the Magnificent held up the envelope to his head, divined the answer -- "Yes and no, pro and con, for and against" -- opened the envelope and said, "Describe Jimmy Carter's position on three major issues." "Did you know Richard Nixon is the only president whose f...
More About: Funny , Quotes , Johnny , Johnny Carson

What is democracy?
2007-12-12 22:15:00
"Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead. And, unlike communism, democracy does not mean having just one ineffective political party; it means having two ineffective political parties. ...Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto -- usually a mop or a leaf blower. It means that with proper timing and scrupulous bookkeeping, anyone can die owing the government a huge amount of money. ... Democracy means free television, not good television, but free. ... And finally, democracy is the eagle on the back of a dollar bill, with 13 arrows in one claw, 13 leaves on a branch, 13 tail feathers, and 13 stars over its head -- this signifies that when the white man came to this country, it was bad luck for the Indians, bad luck for the trees, bad luck for the wildlife, and lights out for the American eagle." - Johnny Carson

English class bloopers
2007-12-12 21:57:00
Once I tripped all the way to Hawaii. I like to visit small European tongues. How far should I tip the driver? She was so kind. She rode me all the way to the airport! I hugged my girlfriend and then I defarted. I think almost every hotel in America has a big swimming fool.
More About: English , Bloopers , Class , Blooper