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Issue 11, 10th September 2007
2007-08-06 21:18:00
SCHOOL HEAD LASHES CORNISH LANGUAGE BOARDThe Headmaster of the prestigious Relubbus Grammar School has, in an impassioned speech, castigated the Cornish Language establishment for dereliction of duty and absence of the firm leadership that is required to steer the ship of language revival into the only safe and useful port -- usage of one form by the whole community.Speaking at a meeting in Relubbus of the International Headmasters Conference, which he now chairs, Dr Hannibal Angove (57) stated that the promotion and development of the Cornish language was currently no better than a sad joke.The Relubbus Grammar School has a vibrant foreign languages department that teaches 17 languages, including Welsh, Breton, and Irish. He had been asked to add Cornish to the list of languages and would have loved to have been able to do so, but is obliged to respond "Which one?" There are, at the last count, four different versions of the language, as well as six competing orthographies.Unable...
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Issue 10, 27th August 2007
2007-07-20 18:14:00
RELUBBUS TO BECOME 51st US STATE!By Political Correspondent Rendell Janner In an unfortunate mixup in our last issue we reported that the USA was to become part of Greater Relubbus. It seems that we were deliberately misled by mischievous elements within MI6 and the Russian KGB. We now have it on good authority (no less than that of the American CIA) that almost the reverse of what was originally reported is the case: the truth is that Relubbus is to issue a unilateral declaration of independence (UDI) from the United Kingdom in order to become the fifty-first state of the United States of America.This development will come as no surprise to seasoned Relubbus-watchers. For many years, the relationship between Relubbus and the English state has been fraught with mutual resentments, incomprehension, misunderstandings, and mistrust. The attraction of the scheme to Relubbus is obvious: for the first time it will have a meaningful form of self-government, independent of the English st...
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Issue 9, 13th August 2007
2007-07-16 16:25:00
EXCLUSIVE: SPARGO AND MADAME SARKOZY IN SECRET LOVE TRYST!By Political Correspondent Rendell JannerElysee watchers have been perplexed by the froideur that characterises the relationship between the new French President, Nicholas Sarkozy, and his wife Cecilia (25). At the election of the new President there should have been a new era at the Elysee, presided over by the President’s glamorous wife, Cecilia (34).Pictured here in a photo that captures the smouldering beauty of this sensual woman, and which reflects her gypsy and Spanish descent, Cecilia (42) has kept the French and international press guessing as to her intentions.The Roundup can now reveal the truth behind the reticence of Mme Sarkozy (21) to play "President’s wife" at the Elysee.Cecilia (52) has been spotted in Lamorna Cove, where she has been sharing a cottage with outspoken firebrand GRUC Councillor Billy Spargo. Mr Spargo (78), who has never married, has been romantically linked with a number of women, boys, an...
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Issue 8, 30th July 2007
2007-07-06 12:14:00
SPARGO SAYS PAKISTAN EMBASSY "TOO BIG" by our Diplomatic Correspondent Rendall JannerOutspoken Councillor Billy Spargo has caused ripples within the Relubbus diplomatic community by stating that the Pakistani Embassy in Relubbus is too large and calling for the number of diplomats (believed to number around 1,000) to be greatly reduced.The picture on the left shows the gates of the Pakistani Embassy compound in Boswedden Lane. Apparently a "garden party" is in progress, and many hundreds of people (if not over a thousand) can be seen having a good time.Mrs Edith Tregarthen (67), who lives next door at No.8, said "They are nice people, but before it was an embassy there was only Mr and Mrs Liddicoat living there with their dog, and it was cramped then. Now I don’t know how many they got crammed in there but it can’t be right!"Spargo, the "voice of the people", agrees and has asked for the number of staff at the Embassy to be cut down to 10 at most. Controversially, he has also as...
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Issue 7, 16th July 2007
2007-06-14 19:31:00
INTERNATIONAL NEWSSITUATION "VERY TENSE" ON HAYLE BORDERby Foreign Correspondent Chester MinuteThe long-running border dispute between Greater Relubbus and the People's Republic of Hayle has flared up again, after a bellicose speech by firebrand Relubbus Councillor Billy Spargo. Addressing the Relubbus Foreign Relations Committee, he asserted that the new border established after the 1968 "4-Day War" unfairly penalized Relubbus, by ceding to Hayle vast acres of land traditionally regarded as being part of Greater Relubbus. In particular, he said, Polglaze's dairy farm had been seized by the Haylors and shamefully turned into a "theme park", known as "Merlin's Magical Land".The disputed area is shown in yellow in the map.Councillor Spargo went on to claim that several Hayle businesses owned by Relubbusites had been fire-bombed. It was time, he said, to take action to protect Relubbus citizens resident in Hayle.Last night, an armoured column of Relubbus Waste Disposal Trucks (WDTs)...
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Issue 6, 2nd July 2007
2007-06-07 18:50:00
BUSH AND PUTIN TO LIVE TOGETHER IN RELUBBUS!The diplomatic world was stunned yesterday by simultaneous announcements from the Kremlin and the White House that Putin and Bush are seeking to set up home together in Relubbus.It would seem that occasional one-to-one meetings between the two have led to the chance discovery that they have more in common with one another than they could ever have suspected. This process of mutual discovery has been assisted by the involvement of Relubbus-based diplomat and amateur conductor Horton Nance, of whom more later.Both men are married, but neither regards this as a serious obstacle to following their hearts’ desire: to live together -- in Relubbus.Penhaligon’s Estate Agents have been commissioned to find the unlikely couple a hideaway in the environs of Relubbus, which has long been known for its easy tolerance of unusual liaisons. Relubbus is also the home of Horton Nance, who since his 8 year fling with closet African queen, Robert Mugabe,...
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Issue 5, 18th June 2007
2007-05-07 11:56:00
CAMILLA: SHOCKING REVELATIONSShown on the left is "Camilla" (not her real name), who has convinced large sections of the English media that she is an aristocrat -- namely, the "Duchess of Cornwall". While practising this deceit she is often seen in the company of a rangey, gormless-looking individual with a strange accent who claims to be the "Duke of Cornwall".We put "Camilla"'s claims to famed Cornish historian, Dr. A.L. Prowse, who debunked them in typically forthright style:"Her claims are patently false, since legally Cornwall has been a republic, with its own Parliament (latterly conveniently unrecognized by the English), since the Middle Ages. The last independent king of Cornwall was Hywel, in the 9th century A.D."In fact, the Roundup can now reveal that "Camilla" is none other than Lily Nichols, a bag-lady from Perranuthnoe, who is well known throughout West Penwith. In former years, her stock-in-trade was to beg, tearfully, gullible-looking tourists in Penzance to "lend...
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Issue 4, 4th June 2007
2007-04-23 19:06:00
EXCLUSIVE: BLAIR SEEKS TOP JOB AT GRUC! As many political commentators have suspected, Tony Blair, after giving up the role of Prime Minister is now making his play for the big job -- as globe-trotting Foreign Relations Councillor for Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC).The lucky job-holder is not only able to travel -- free -- all over Cornwall and sometimes outside, but also has the benefit of a fully-furnished council flat on Gwavas Estate, with a sea-view only 4 minutes walk away.Blair’s wife, Cherie, has been seen in Andrewartha’s, Penzance, eyeing up furniture for the flat (paid for by the council). She has also been reported as applying for a job as an assistant solicitor at Harvey’s in Morrab Road. Furthermore, we are reliably informed that the Blairs’ older children have applied for part-time jobs in the area (at Morrisons and the Kwop); this in order to shore up Blair’s local credentials and thus improve his chances of getting the job, for which there is the st...
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Issue 3, May 2007
2007-04-23 19:05:00
EXCLUSIVE: POPE TO VISIT RELUBBUSThe Roundup's sources have revealed that, in a bold ecumenical move, the Methodist Council of Relubbus has invited Pope Benedict to visit the city.The Rev. Bart Peniluna (54) said: "There is absolutely no truth in the rumours that we have invited the Pope in order to assassinate him. On the contrary, our aim is to heal the dangerous schism that currently exists between Rome and Relubbus."The Pope is expected to fly into Newquay, where he will kiss the hallowed sod of Kernow. He will not, as some have imagined, sail to Kernow, like St Piran, on a millstone.As part of his hectic schedule, the Pope will conduct an open-air mass at Gwennap Pit. A vast crowd of some tens of people is expected.MORVAH MAN IN DRAMATIC RESCUEDickie Trembath, a 57 year-old single man who works for the South West Water Board, waded out waist-high into the turbulent sea at 7 o’clock last Tuesday morning to rescue an exhausted 89 year-old Miss Gracie Angwin. Dickie, a prominen...
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Issue 2, 23rd April 2007
2007-04-23 18:35:00
ANOTHER FIRST FOR THE ROUNDUP!The picture shows Morvah’s first ‘civil partnership’ couple, Douglas Penberthy, and his partner, William Addicoat, in the midst of their attempt at the West Cornwall non-stop piano-playing record (Gays’ section).Dougie and Willie are well-known characters on the Morvah scene and have spent much of their spare time in charitable acts, one of which has been to build and service a public loo for men in Morvah. In recognition of their contribution to community life, the Parish Council has voted to pay for a plaque on the door of the gents’ public loo, which is known locally as "the cottage". It will simply read "Dougie and Willie’s cottage."WEST CORNWALL IN SONGThe Reverend Bartholomew Peninula has been an advocate of the virtues of song for as long as he can remember. He has gathered singing talents from the lengths and breadths of Mouzel and environs to put together a ‘winning troupe’.Pictured on the right of the Reverend gentleman are Mat...
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Issue 1, 14th April 2007
2007-04-14 18:35:00
IS THIS PROFITEERING? The cost of Cornish properties is well known to be little short of a scandal, but the Roundup was amazed to see a sale board and a price tag on a telephone box.The advertiser’s blurb reads: "A bijou residence for the brighter personality? With external paintwork in bright Post Office red, this attractive residence would suit a single first time buyer. Whilst it has the benefit of a telephone, it does lack other common conveniences e.g. water, sanitation, etc., and this is fully reflected in the price of £45,000. However, the property has the benefit of windows on three sides. It also comes equipped with a telephone shelf, which will reduce required expenditure on furniture. Streetside parking available. Early viewing recommended." Are you aware of rip-off property sales? If so, we at the Roundup would like to know about it. And you can rely on us to publish!MORVAH BAKERY MAGNATE SPLITS UP WITH WIFE! Morvah mega-businessman, Jimbo Rouncefield (74) has announc...
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