Relubbus Roundup Relubbus Roundup The Roundup is a mock newspaper, that chronicles the events in Relubbus, which is a real place in the far west of Cornwall, UK. Relubbus is actually a small, quiet backwater, but in the pages of the Roundup it takes on an international significance!
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NEWS IN BRIEF
2008-03-31 21:06:00 By staff reporter Rendell JannerTRENGWAINTON LIONS A ROARING SUCCESS!The 4,500 lions let loose in the Joachim Von Ribbentrop Memorial Gardens at Trengwainton have proved to be enormously popular with local visitors.Pictured here on the left is Lizzie Polglaze (67) in a photograph taken seconds before the "horrific incident". Miss Polglaze, who has worked on the till in Beares' butchers on the Parade, Penzance, since she was a girl of 16, was so excited to be riding the lion that she unfortunately wet herself.The unexpected release of warm liquid so discomfited the lion that it turned on its hapless rider and, with others from the "Pride of Trengwainton", made a rather messy but speedy meal of Miss Polglaze. Trying to look on the bright side, Ethel Bolitho (72), Lizzie's best friend, said "Least she wen' out doin' sumthin' 'xcitin'. She'll be sum pleased 'bowt that -- she never 'ad a man."SOCIETY WEDDING IN SANCREEDA crowd of several thousand Lesbian, Gay and Bisexual peopl... More About: News
PENDEEN MAN WINS CARN GLOOSE LOTTERY
2008-03-29 16:41:00 The surprise winner of this year's internationally-famed annual Carn Gloose Lottery can now be revealed to be none other than Pendeen man, Simon Jacka (37).Mr Jacka, pictured here with his huge cheque following the presentation at the Newlyn Deep Sea Fishermen's Mission, accompanied by some rapidly-appearing and ever hopeful female admirers (all of whom work in the Newlyn Kwop), said that he had bought his £5 ticket some three months ago and then promptly forgot all about it."When I 'eard they numbers comin' up on Radio Kernow, it sounded a bit familiar. I 'ad plum fergot I 'ad that ticket, but when I 'eard they numbers, I pulled un out and couldn' bleeve I'd won the bleddy thing!"Literally tens of tickets are sold throughout the year to hopefuls, who all have their eye on the big prize. This year the winning ticket brings Mr Jacka the princely sum of £341.95. Mr Jacka (42) is single and works over St Erth Creamery as a cleaner. He has, over the years, acquired a reputati... More About: Wins
LIECHTENSTEIN NAVY VISITS NEWLYN
2008-03-26 17:56:00 Newlyn was yesterday graced with the official visit of the flagship of the Royal Liechtenstein Navy , HMS Furzbeutel, under the command of his Excellency High Admiral Adolf von Strüdli-Müdli (47).Pictured on the left in his demonstration case, the High Admiral is an eminent emissary of the Liechtenstein monarchy. Some attribute his rapid rise through the ranks of the Liechtenstein navy to the fact that he was the official whipping boy for the reigning Prince, Hans Adam, when the latter was a boy.Hans Adam was such a notoriously naughty lad that Adolf all too frequently had to take the cane on his behalf. Hence, Adolf's meteoric rise through the Navy is widely thought to be owed to his childhood role as protector of the royal bum.Given the sometimes savage treatment meted out to him in early years, the High Admiral is now protected most of the time by his demonstration case, in which he meets the public.Crowds of people, numbering 3 or 4, jostled with one and another and clustered ...
NOONGALLAS SCIENTIST WINS NOBEL PRIZE
2008-03-24 00:25:00 SCIENCE NEWSBy Science Correspondent Jan CarewRenowned Noongallas scientist, Professor Duke Ellington Trewavas, has been awarded the Nobel Prize for Philosophical Physics for his pioneering work on the daftness of brushes. Professor Trewavas, who holds the Chair of Experimental Physics and Natural Philosophy at University College, Relubbus, is credited with finally resolving the age-old question of whether two brushes are dafter than one brush.The classic view was expounded by Aristotle in 348 B.C., when he argued that, since a single brush was infinitely daft, the combined daftness of two or more brushes could not exceed that of one alone.This view remained unchallenged for over two millenia until, in the eighteenth century, David Hume proposed the idea of a rocket ship accelerating for ever through space. Over trillions of years (the concept of "light years" was then unknown), as the ship progresses deeper and deeper into space, gradually picking up speed all the while, it approac... More About: Scientist , Wins , Nobel Prize
REDRUTH RFC MOVE UP CARN BREA
2008-03-21 13:49:00 SPORTS NEWSby our Rugby Correspondent, "Old Prop"At a packed public meeting yesterday, Redruth RFC unveiled the design of their exciting new stadium, which is to be built on the slopes of Carn Brea hill. The picture above shows an artist's impression of what the new stadium will look like.It will be known as the "Trevaskis Stadium", after Long Rock multi-billionaire W.G. Trevaskis, who has donated most of the funding.However, there was strong opposition to the plans from the four members of the public present, who claimed that the new structure would be an "eyesore" and totally out of keeping with the wild beauty of the hill.In response, Redruth's Director of Rugby, Denzil Penberthy, claimed that the move to the new stadium was "essential, if us is gonna play in the English Premiership. The Rec. [the Reds' old ground] ain't up to Premiership standards, so us don' 'ave no choice."The rugby correspondent of the Daily Telegraph, one of many reporters present from the national pre... More About: Move
'CHYSAUSTER IS NUCLEAR BASE' CLAIM
2008-03-18 14:51:00 English Heritage Cover blown!By international correspondent Horton TregarthenPrimed missile silos at ChysausterIt is rumoured that international spy networks have moved into Keneggy Country Hotel at Gulval, following foreign press reports that English Heritage have been conning the Cornish public for decades at Chysauster Ancient Village.Speculation has been rife in Penzance for years that there are nuclear bunkers and missile silos under the hut circles at the site.That the speculation was indeed correct was finally established by a Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) fact-finding committee, led by chairman Billy Spargo, that visited the Chysauster site. The Roundup has it on good authority that the secret aim of the committee is to increase the GRUC's nuclear armaments, as a "defensive" move in the border dispute with the People's Republic of Hayle.Apparently Billy's niece, local reporter Tryphena Spargo-Spargo, has been courting the Chysauster admissions steward (Clarence Tr... More About: Nuclear , Base
MAVERICK TREGESEAL INVENTOR DOES IT AGAIN!
2008-03-16 13:32:00 Eliza Polkinghorne (92), the maverick part-time inventor from Tregeseal, has pulled off yet another coup with her latest invention -- the Nuclear Hoover.This amazing machine doesn't just 'suck up' the dust, it vaporises anything, or indeed anyone, you point it at.Pictured here on the left, cackling contentedly next to her devilish invention, Eliza manages to stun the scientific world with her recognition and then mastery of laws of physics others have yet to grasp.The beauty of the device is that it requires no external power source. It is started by hand cranking, which gives rise to subsequent accelerative processes, which swiftly result in beam temperatures of in excess of 3 million degrees Celsius -- hence the vaporisation of all in its path. As Eliza herself says, "You gotta wear gloves when you duh work the thing or you might do yourself sum 'arm!".Another reason for wearing a stout pair of gloves is the reliance of the device on roughly four pounds of nuclear waste "per b... More About: Inventor
NEW ZOO PROPOSED UP TRENGWAINTON
2008-03-13 11:46:00 By our local Trengwainton correspondent, Horton TregarthenFollowing the successful planning application to site 20,000 caravans on St. Michael's Mount, the Cornish National Trust Committee 'ave now instructed its local property managers to come up with modernisation plans to increase the number of visitors at Trengwainton Gardens. At present there are more 'volunteer' stewards than there are visitors.The National Trust committee for Heamoor 'ave today left on a week long business trip to meet Billy Spargo, the top Relubbus consultant on zoo design and animal care.These 365 locally elected residents in the Trengwainton Gardens area (under the leadership of vocal local yokel, Tommy Botheras) feel that unless they duh bring in some new ideas then the attraction of viewing plain-looking plants will cease and people aren't goin' to come in. ("I aren't, for starters!", said Mr Botheras.)Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) Chairman Billy Spargo has instructed that the 365 Heamo...
GYMKHANA WINNER -- A FRAUD!
2008-03-10 22:46:00 Ripples of surprise, then dismay, then shock, disturbed the habitual calm of the Relubbus Gymkhana world when the 13-year-old winner of the hunt seat equitation (13-15 year olds), Lucinda Trumpton-Biggsley-Thorpe, on her pony, Trollope, was revealed to be none other than 60-year-old public convenience maintenance operative, Horton Trembath, riding his "favourite four-legger" Alfonso (pictured above).Simply by wearing a sou'wester and speaking in a (now obviously) suspiciously high-pitched voice, Horton managed to convince the judges that he was a 13-year-old girl. Perhaps even more difficult to explain is the fact that the judges failed to observe that Horton's mount owed a lot more to bovine then equine ancestry.It then emerged that none of the judges had driven to the event, but all had had to be chauffeured to it because of their poor vision. The chairman of the judges, Mr Jethro Bolitho, pictured on the left, and the only member of the fourteen judges not registered blind (but... More About: Fraud , Winner
ODGO SEMMENS' LATEST MASTERPIECE
2008-02-20 18:04:00 By our Poetry Correspondent, Alice Chirgwin-Jacka'Odgo Semmens (79) the celebrated Cornish poet and author of the now globally renowned and treasured poem I Aren't, has, under considerable public pressure from the crowds besieging his home in Colinsey Road, Penzance, released a further work, Walking in West Penwith, which seems set to seal his reputation as one of the greatest living poets in Colinsey Road.Walking in West PenwithLas' Sunday we went walking, ovver to Lamorna bay.From the top o' Mousel we set out, a glorious sunshine day.The smell of heather in the air, the glass-green sea below -It's jes' this sort of beauty that sets my heart aglow.Las' Tuesday we went walkin', up the back of Gulval 'ill:You get a good view of the Mount and bay - I can see it still.Chysauster's ancient magic will never pass away,You can hear their talk and laughter - hear it to this day.Las' Wen'sday we went walkin, ovver to the Logan Rock:We sat there drinkin' in the scene an''ad a s... More About: Masterpiece
GREY-SQUIRREL-CHESS INVENTOR COMMUTES FROM TANZANIA!
2008-02-17 11:47:00 Ben Godrevy-Baragwanath (known as BGB), the mysterious 64-year-old Cornish recluse and inventor, who over the years has confounded the public with the brilliance of his inventions and the outlandishness of his eccentricity, has once more hit the headlines.Pictured on the left is BGB's holiday home in plush Kisutu Street in far-off Dar es Salaam. This traditional Tanzania n abode is a conscious tribute to local building techniques. However, we are also assured that the habitation lacks for nothing in terms of western standards of comfort, since it benefits from not just one, but two lean-tos, ingeniously set at some distance from one another so that simultaneous occupation will not result in any noisy embarrassments that might deter either occupant from prosecuting the business in hand.What has mystified BGB-watchers for some time is just how he manages to appear waving before the webcam next to his Tanzanian residence before popping up only minutes later in front of his mansion in f... More About: Chess , Grey , Squirrel , Inventor
LONELY HEARTS -- VALENTINE'S DAY EDITION
2008-02-13 11:12:00 Here are some special people looking for love in West Penwith!!Geraldine Polkinghorne (23) is a veterinary nurse from Ponsanooth. She has been dealing with some serious personal gender issues, some outward signs of which might cause unwarned potential suitors to take fright. Hence her brave decision to advertise here (and in the Liechtensteiner Volksblatt) for a special man to share her life.Geraldine's passion in life (apart from goats and other animals) is designing and modelling hats, as she is doing in this picture. With the right man, she would like to take up line dancing and yodelling. Although she doesn't claim to be a Nigella Lawson in the kitchen, she says that she is a dab hand at creating a Victoria sponge from the packet. Her ideal partner would be a "Hell's Angel type", probably in his 30s, with own home, preferably in the Tuckingmill area, "so I can be away from Mum, but not too far!". Its Box 5682, Gents!Dickie Tregear (42) "from out Zennor way" is a charming del... More About: Hearts , Edition , Lonely
SITHNEY PASTY-CRIMPING TEAM WINS AGAIN!
2008-02-10 12:16:00 Pictured below is the Sithney Pasty -crimping team, which beat all-comers -- including 14 separate teams from Relubbus -- to win the coveted Relubbus Open Crimping contest.The proud team, pictured here before the contest at their training camp, are, from the left: Elspeth Lutey (23), Jennifer Curnow (31), Gladys Polwhele (29), Letitia Tregonning-Polkinghorne-Clemo (34 and team captain), "Windy" Bosavern (27), Agnes Baragwaneth (31) and Loveday Peninula (28).The four day contest saw the 500 competitors crimp some 500,000 pasties -- all of which have found their way to the burgeoning Australian and Canadian markets.Style and sheer skill saw the Sithney team storm home to success (for the fourth year running!) following an almost acrobatic display in the underwater handcuffed crimping heat, in which team captain (Letitia TPC) showed her worth by crimping 50 pasties underwater with her bare feet, whilst holding her breath for an unbelievable 6 minutes. Posthumously, she was awarded the c... More About: Team , Wins
BYPASS FOR ST. MICHAEL'S MOUNT!
2008-02-06 20:03:00 PLANNING NEWSShock Plans for a bypass over St. Michael's Mount unveiled todayBy guest reporter Horton TregarthenGreater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) today put on show to the public the recently emergency-approved plans for the new Marazion bypass, which is, controversially, routed via St. Michael's Mount. The GRUC's Department of Transport, whose 96-storey building looms ominously over its neighbours in Ludgvan, announced that the new 8-lane highway will be known as the M2001.Local resident Mr Lord Tommy St. Levan commented that the new road "will be proper for me to git home early from Safeway". Mr St Levan works as a trolley stacker in the Safeway car park.However, other local residents have pointed out a potentially fatal flaw in the bypass plan, arising from the fact that the Channel will flood the new highway twice a day. Departmental spokeswoman Miss Ethel Bolitho laughingly dismissed these concerns by pointing out that the highway would be closed to traffic for several ho...
"PAUNCHO" PENDER'S HEALTH TIPS
2008-02-04 14:58:00 Lifestyle Guru Pauncho Pender is interviewed by Hilary TrelissickToday, the Roundup's resident health professional gives you his top ten tiptop tips to keep you fit throughout the whole of this year.Pauncho is not your normal, snotty-nosed, talk-down-to-you, 23-year-old skinny bitch, who raves on about drinking only carrot juice and munching raw parsnips. Pauncho is a 35-year-old man of the world who likes a drink and a smoke.His Christmas and New Year festivities have been hall-marked by his customary drunken over-indulgence. His clothes bear testimony to his gourmandising extravaganzas at this time of year.In an exclusive interview with the Roundup's very own Hilary Trelissick over the odd early morning "wake-up" drink, Pauncho shares with you some of the secrets that have helped him keep trim and young-looking for his 35 years.MY TIPS FOR KEEPING YOU TIP-TOP FIT!1. You need to abide by a responsible drinking code in order to get yourself in trim healthwise this year. This means... More About: Health , Tips
CAMILLA IN SEAGULL HORROR!
2008-02-01 12:05:00 As regular readers will know, "Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall" is actually none other than Lily Nicholls, an ex bag-lady from Perranuthnoe, who has convinced large sections of the English press that she is an aristocrat!On Tuesday, the "Duchess" visited Plymouth Naval Base, where she was guest of honour at the commissioning of the Navy's latest state-of-the-art vessel, the huge aircraft carrier Titanic. Lily has become a firm favourite of the matelots: she has already attended the commissioning of seven warships, namely the Black Pig, Venus, Hispaniola, Marie Celeste, Jolly Roger, Skylark, and Graf Spee.Lily Nicholls is a talented and resourceful Cornish woman who has, up to now, enjoyed great success in her chosen profession of conning the English. However, on this occasion, her luck almost ran out! She was half-way through her speech when -- disaster! A passing seagull, evidently mistaking "Camilla's" lined features and large white hat for a weather-beaten, guano-encrusted, sea cr... More About: Horror , Seagull
MAJOR INTERNATIONAL NEWS COLLABORATION ANNOUNCED
2008-01-28 14:55:00 Relubbus Roundup teams up with the Liechtensteiner Volksblatt!Although it is far smaller than Relubbus with (at the last count, in 2004) just 34,600 inhabitants, Liechtenstein has two excellent newspapers, one of which, with millions of readers, has been selected by the Roundup as its international partner. This lucky winner is the Liechtensteiner Volksblatt.The two globally significant news organisations sent one representative each to a half way point (a roadside café in Hesperange in Luxembourg) to sign an historic agreement which will henceforth mean that Liechtenstein gets inside news about Relubbus and vice versa. The news of the signing has sent ripples around the media world and is said to have caused Rupert Murdoch to have sleepless nights.Attending the signing for the Volksblatt is their Economics Editor, the very well-informed and deeply attractive Kornelia Pfeiffer.Kornelia (27 and from Vaduz), pictured here on the left, has the equivalent of thirty two 'O' levels, in... More About: News , International , Major , Collaboration
EURODISNEY RELUBBUS!
2008-01-25 13:42:00 PLANNING NEWSBy Planning Correspondent Rendell JannerA Disney theme park, to be known as Eurodisney Relubbus, is to be built on the slopes of Mount Relubbus. An artist's impression of the iconic Cinderella's Castle that will dominate the entrance to the park is shown on the left.Mr Bosustow Trezize, the CEO of Trezize Developments, who will be building the park, said:"The park will be much larger than Eurodisney Paris. In fact, the Frogs are furious because they expect us to take business from them. We shall be running five special Eurodisney trains from London each day, two each from Berlin and Milan, and even one from Paris! There will also be Eurodisney flights into Relubbus International Airport."The Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) Planning Committee gave its approval to the proposals at their meeting on Tuesday, when Chief Planning Officer Bosustow Trezize argued that the site would bring much-needed employment to the area.This new development will complement and enhanc...
RSPCA SEEKS GOOD HOME FOR ABANDONED CAT
2008-01-24 15:30:00 ADVERTISEMENTThe Relubbus Society for the Promotion of Charity towards Animals (RSPCA) is seeking a good home for poor abandoned feline, "Claws", pictured here on the left.Claws is unusually large for a domestic cat, being 3-and-a-half feet tall and weighing in at 7 stone. Also unusually for a domestic cat, he roars instead of miaows.Claws has a good appetite and will happily put away one small pig or a pet labrador per day. He likes them served live.Although purchased as a surprise Christmas present for the children of a Relubbus family who seek no publicity, Claws was turfed out on the day after Boxing Day, after killing and eating the visiting Granny during her sleep.It is probably for the best if Claws does not go to a home with children, since he might be tempted too much by the sight of shrill excitable snacks running up and down around him.We are convinced that Claws is lovable at heart, but would suggest that new owners wear protective clothing and do not turn their backs on... More About: Home , Good , Abandoned
POLZEATH DOCTOR TWINS IN LOVE TRIANGLE SCANDAL SHOCK HORROR
2008-01-20 15:12:00 Stories have reached the Roundup's newsdesk about shameful goings-on in Polzeath involving the hitherto highly respected, if a little unorthodox, doctor twins, Ludo (42) and Quentin (42) Poldhu-Nancarrow, pictured below.Extremely ugly from birth, they have long ago resorted to wearing heavy make-up and novel clothing in a usually fruitless attempt to distract those they meet from absorption with their disturbing facial asymmetry. The likelihood of such stunned reactions is increased by the fact that the twins are joined at the ankle and at the elbow.United by ugliness and physically conjoined, they have grown used to doing many things together, including speaking, for they communicate effectively as one. Those they meet, including their patients, are always struck by the way that each twin takes it in turn to add a word to a sentence. They are accustomed to speaking in this manner and do so with such rapidity that those they encounter are not nearly so discomforted as they might ot... More About: Horror , Love , Twins , Shock , Scandal
POETRY CORNER
2008-01-17 21:15:00 By our Poetry Correspondent, Alice Chirgwin-JackaThe celebrated Penzance poet (from Colinsey Road, Treneere) 'Odgo Semmens has composed the following rousing work, which we feel should be given the widest possible viewing. This astonishing work, which displays 'Odgo at his magisterial best, is styled simply and, in a characteristically Cornish way, "I aren't".It has already been viewed by 1,789.654 people, who rate it as the greatest work ever written.I Aren'tI aren't goin' in town today,I aren't, coz I'm feelin' a bit queasy;I aren't goin up Mum's tonight,I aren't, coz my sister's too teasy.I aren't gunna g'wovver Newlyn tonight,I aren't, coz is too bleddy cold.I aren't gunna g'wout with Liza no more,I aren't, coz she's too bleddy old.I aren't goin' to work in Kwop no more,I aren't, coz I couldn' care less.I aren't gunna say "no" to Mrs 'Ollis,I aren't, coz she the fittest and best.I aren't gunna say that I'm "English",I aren't, coz is not bleddy true:... More About: Corner
POPE DECLARES PINK THE NEW COLOUR FOR 2008 SEASON!
2008-01-12 19:28:00 Report by Fashion Editor "Free trade"Pope Benedict XVI, who has acquired a reputation for being no slouch in the fashion stakes, has come out boldly to declare that pink is to be THE colour this year.Pictured on the left at a Church fashion gathering near Rome, when he knew that there would be plenty of photographers present, the Pope -- and his retinue -- made a bold commitment to the colour pink as the preferred colour of the year. Later cornered by a Roundup reporter, the Pope, who is from Bavaria in Southern Germany, offered the following views, "Hello, it is vunderful for me zis opportunity to have, my opinions on ze fashions for zis year to giff. Your readers may not know zat I zis little pink get-up from Dorossy Perkins in Penzance bought haff. It makes no secret of ze fact zat I zis year my full backing to ze colour pink am giving."The Pope was then whisked away to the TV studios in Milan, where he is a judge in the Italian version of The X Factor.Relubbus Roundup More About: Pink , Season , Colour , 2008
LONELY HEARTS
2008-01-08 20:38:00 Be lonely no longer -- your new love may be here!Jennifer Treglown (41) works as an Assistant Chemist at the Square in St Just. She is President of the West Penwith women's pipe-smoking club and is a keen advocate of the merits of St Bruno flake. Divorced and with no children, she describes herself as having "no clutter" and is keen to take up with any decent pipe-smoking St Just man between the age of 40 and 42.Not revealed in this head photo is the fact that Jennifer is an amputee, having unfortunately set fire to her left leg with her pipe when she fell asleep one evening after getting seriously drunk after her 14th birthday. This has made her abstain from all alcohol ever since and she will only contemplate a teetotal pipe-smoker as a future partner. For those with a particular interest in the matter (and they do exist!), it is the left leg which is missing. Box No 3045Denzil Trevains (28) of Tremethick Cross is a tractor driver on a marijuana farm at Drift near Penzance. Denzi... More About: Hearts , Lonely
WIN THIS LUXURY CAR!
2008-01-06 23:35:00 ADVERTISEMENTTake a good look, for you will never see the like of this car again!It is the brand-new hand-built Trevaskis Landshark 505 and it can be yours simply by answering 10 little questions correctly. The first correctly completed entry form* received at Trevaskis stores will win the entrant ownership of this desirable one-off!!Designed by style-gurus lured from the famous Italian Lamborgini camp as well as from avant-garde auto-designers Nankervis of Polnarren, this automotive wonder should tick everyone’s boxes. Whilst conceived as an executive car to speed the likes of RC Oates or Trevaskis himself along the roads of Cornwall accompanied by some curvaceous Cornish cutie called Ann or Diane, at a phenomenal additional cost two passenger seats have been added at the back. The car is made from 100% recyclable and recycled materials.It is equipped with the latest Naff Sat and includes a radio permanently tuned to BBC Radio Cornwall. Its eco-conscious designers have equipped i... More About: Luxury , Luxury Car
SCOOP: KOREAN DICTATOR SEEKS ASYLUM IN RELUBBUS
2008-01-06 13:22:00 A report written in the third person by "Landshark" (Archilaus Tresidder)Archilaus is pictured on the left in triumphant mood on the morning after his big scoop.The night was very dark. He could hear the sea gently lapping at the pebbles of the beach, but he could see nothing. He was acting on information received. The contacts of the foreign newsdesk of the Relubbus Roundup had never yet failed. They had always been impeccable. However, this particular tip did seem unlikely. The words ran through his mind again for the umpteenth time, "He will alight from a rowing boat on Newlyn beach at 11.30 pm on the 24th December".Archilaus Tresidder was a junior cub under-reporter, a young man of only 44 who had yet to truly prove himself. Out of deference to his elders and betters at the Roundup, he insisted on continuing to wear short trousers until he had delivered his own very first big story single-handed, and after tonight, with luck and a following wind (he never had any difficulty man... More About: Korean , Scoop , Dictator , Asylum
CELEBRITY NEWS
2008-01-03 12:10:00 SPOTLIGHT ON YOUNG ZENNOR GENIUSBy Social and Arts Correspondent Elsie RescorlaAlcibiades Bicycle-Pump, although only 14 years of age, is one of the world's foremost experts on the uses to which nasal dewdrops can be put. He blundered into this field of expertise, whilst assiduously researching the similarities between nasal and rectal polyps, both of which internal excrescences have played a major and upsetting part in his short life so far.Born to a Zennor family with long traditions in both pig-rearing and sheep-interfering, Alcibiades (who changed his name at the age of 8 years by deed poll from the original Adrian Polkinghorne-Davey) was determined not to let the fleshy outgrowths in his nose and bum interfere with the quality of his life.A quiet boy, who liked nothing better than to play alone with his blowtorch and his collection of 104 black rats, he always seemed destined for greater and better things. He was from the start, and remains, a keen observer of nature as well a... More About: News , Celebrity , Celebrity News
NEW YEAR ISSUE, 2008. Issue 19, 1st January 2008
2007-11-29 13:01:00 FEMALE FUNDAMENTALISTS ARE REVOLTINGWHO'S BEEN A NAUGHTY GIRL THEN?By Religious and Social Correspondent Rendell JannerAt a recent convention of the Cornish Methodist Golem Pasty makers, one participant has seen fit to break with convention and show her face, despite the terrifying punishments attendant upon any female who dares break convention and show herself.A Roundup snapper, Archie Treglown, managed to obtain this picture of Loveday Jenkin, wife of leading Golem Methodist, Methuselah Jenkin. She unveiled herself upon leaving the convention location at Richmond Methodist Sunday School.When queried by the Roundup's terrier photographer as to what might happen to her for contravening the sect's terrifying injunctions on inappropriate female behaviour, Loveday retorted that, "If that arsehole (Methuselah) tries to do anything to me, he'll be squeaking at a higher pitch than a tenor mouse by the time me and my scissors are finished with his knackers!" This produced a chorus of ... More About: New Year , January , Year , January 2008 , 2008
Issue 17, 3rd December 2007
2007-10-30 16:45:00 ALIEN LIFE FORM IS CAPTURED IN BOSWEDDEN LANE!By Science Correspondent Wee Willy MacTodgerHuge excitement is sweeping like a tidal wave through the global scientific community, as Relubbus scientists have revealed that they have "captured" an alien life form -- a veritable green man.The picture on the left shows the green man being questioned by Professor Pascoe Trevithick and his attractive young lab assistant, Linda Hollow.The green man has revealed that his name is "Dxyzhyrzhxd", but he would like henceforth to be known as "Ron". "Ron" referred to the far-reaching fame of Relubbus society, which, magnet-like, has drawn thousands of people to come to live within its borders.He then went on to say that other worlds -- including his, which is called Glxyrrhyzzidotit -- have heard of the flowering of civilisation which is Relubbus. Ron had taken the decision to leave his home planet and come to live in Relubbus as any other ordinary Relubbus citizen.Ron was found walking down Bosw... More About: December , December 2007 , Issue
Issue 16, 19th November 2007
2007-10-17 21:00:00 ALARM IN CAPITAL AS CORNISH INVADE LONDONBy London correspondent Sylvia CookIf you've visited the capital recently you cannot have failed to notice the various chains of Cornish pasty shops that seem to be propagating themselves everywhere. Two of the newest chains are "Oggie! Oggie! Oggie!", the lastest venture of the Relubbus mega-capitalist R.C. Oates, and "Oggies 4 All", owned by Oates' arch-rival, the stupendously wealthy Marazion billionaire W.G. Trevaskis.Oates' declared aim is to 'put a pasty shop on every London street', while Trevaskis swears to match Oates' every move. The consequence is that many London streets now contain branches of both "Oggie! Oggie! Oggie!" and "Oggies 4 All", often next door to each other!It is small wonder that some residents are expressing disquiet. The Roundup visited the capital and interviewed a cross-section of Londoners who have had to bear the brunt of the pasty invasion. Many feel that their local culture is being undermined by the ... More About: November , November 2007 , Issue
Issue 15, 5th November 2007
More articles from this author:2007-10-02 15:29:00 IMMIGRANTS "MUST LEARN CORNISH"By political correspondent Rendell JannerAt a tempestuous meeting of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) last night, controversial council leader Billy Spargo announced plans that would require all future immigrants to Relubbus to learn Cornish.In recent years, there has been a huge rise in the number of people, particularly from England, wishing to emigrate to Cornwall -- and to Relubbus in particular. The picture shows a group of potential emigrants queuing outside the Relubbus Embassy in London.Mr Spargo said that an "unacceptable" situation was developing whereby non-Cornish-speaking immigrants were electing to live in their own self-contained enclaves that had little or no contact with the indigenous population. Many immigrants, he said, made no effort to learn the language, and had no knowledge of Cornish history and culture.This was "regrettable" for both the indigenous and the incomers, he said, because it made for a divided society in wh... More About: November , November 2007 , Issue 1, 2 |
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