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Comedy Plus


Comedy Plus
Life is too serious and I prefer to just laugh about anything and everything. Very little is sacred to me, I mean very little. If you like poking fun at men, women, kids, blondes,
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Articles

Psychic Dog or Senile Lady?
2008-06-08 09:16:00
A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.The wire connection to the ground rod was loose ..The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.
More About: Lady , Critters , Psychic
Wedding Night
2008-06-07 09:10:00
A young Chinese couple get married. She's a virgin, and truth be told he's a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring."My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry frighten.""I pomise you, I give you anyting you wan, I do anyting - juss anyting you wan, You juss ask. Whatchu wan?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I have heard about from other girls... numbaa 69."More thoughtful silence, this time from him.Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her... "You really wanting... Garric Chicken with Corrifrowa?"
More About: Wedding , Night
The Bull Elephant
2008-06-06 16:42:00
In 1986, Dan Harrison was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Dan approached it very carefully.He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Dan worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Dan stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Dan never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.Twenty years later, Dan was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked ov...
More About: Bull , Critters , Elephant
When You Thought I Wasn't Looking
2008-06-05 09:01:00
When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you hang my first painting on the refrigerator, and I immediately wanted to paint another one.When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you feed a stray cat, and I learned that it was good to be kind to animals.When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you make my favorite cake for me, and I learned that the little things can be the special things in life.When you thought I wasn't looking I heard you say a prayer, and I knew that there is a God I could always talk to, and I learned to trust in Him.When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you make a meal and take it to a friend who was sick, and I learned that we all have to help take care of each other.When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you give of your time and money to help people who had nothing, and I learned that those who have something should give to those who don't.When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you take care of our house and everyone in it, and I learned we have to t...
More About: Life , Thought , Lessons
Dona Nobis Pacem
2008-06-04 22:49:00
“Our scientific power has outrun our spiritual power. We have guided missiles and misguided men.” -Martin Luther King, Jr.“The abolition of war requires the development of effective nonviolent alternatives to military struggle” -Gene Sharp“But war will only end after a great labour has been performed in altering men’s moral ideals, directing them to the good of all mankind and not only of the separate nations into which men happen to have been born.” -Bertrand Russell“Peace is not merely the absence of war but the presence of justice, of law, of order--in short, of government.” -Albert Einsteinmimi writesBlogBlast for Peacepeace globesPeace Globe MovementDona Nobis PacemMimi LenoxMimi Pencil SkirtMimi Queen of Memes
The gynecologist
2008-06-03 09:01:00
A gynecologist who had lost interest in his medical practice decided to change careers and enrolled in auto mechanic school. He performed well in the course but was still shocked when he got an off-the-chart 200 on his final exam. He asked the instructor to explain the grade.“I gave you 50 points for taking the engine apart correctly,” the teacher said, “50 points for putting it back together correctly — and an extra 100 points for doing it all through the muffler.”
This Week in Entrecard
2008-06-03 03:00:00
This is a great big thank youfor last weeks advertisers:
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Give Me Five Monday #25
2008-06-02 19:20:00
The 'Give Me Five' Monday meme is designed to share fun information with each other in a simple short list! Here's how it works. Each week, I will put out a random topic from my list of topics and you share 5 answers of your choice on the given topic and link back here! You can add photos, links or stories or just a simple list of your own of 5 things that relate to the topic as it pertains to you and your life experiences. It doesn't have to be in any order of importance unless otherwise specified. Sign up for weekly reminder emails @ beccagirl@charter.net Becca's challenge this week: Give Me Five tips and tricks to save money or cut corners to stretch your budget. 1. Credit cards are the downfall of many folks. They may budget in all other areas of their lives, but fail to manage their credit card debt. We have a budget on how much we spend on our credit card (just one credit card), and each month we pay it off completely. We do not pay interest on our credit card. 2. E...
Sharing the Love
2008-06-02 17:32:00
Crystal of Memoirs of a Mommy has created a new award (Sharing the Love Award) and thought enough of me to include me as one of the awardees. I'm truly honored. Why? It's the reason she created this award that makes it so special. Here's what Crystal said about this award: I'm sharing my love blogging award with my favorite blogs. You can read all about it here. But the blogs I've listed below are some of the blogs I have on my reader that I can't go a day without checking.I've become attached to these people. Some probably don't know I read their blogs, (why? Because I read them on my phone which is really hard to comment so I end up being a naughty lurker, bad blog etiquette I know. I'm sorry.) Others are not just my friends in blogging but in my daily life and I could NOT live without them!!So I am sharing my love with them all because they share their love with me by posting the joy, the sadness, the randomness that is their life and because they share their lives wi...
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Manic Monday - Over
2008-06-02 00:44:00
As In OVERboard
More About: Monday , Manic Monday , Manic
The Farmer
2008-05-31 09:01:00
A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came upon a farmer working in his field. Being concerned about the farmer's soul the preacher asked the man, "Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord my good man?"Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work the farmer replied, "Naw, these are soybeans.""You don't understand," said the preacher. "Are you a Christian?"With the same amount of interest as his previous answer the farmer said, "Nope my name is Jones. You must be lookin' for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here."The young determined preacher tried again asking the farmer, "Are you lost?""Naw! I've lived here all my life," answered the farmer."Are you prepared for the resurrection?" the frustrated preacher asked.This caught the farmer's attention and he asked, "When is it gonna be?"Thinking he had accomplished something the young preacher replied, "It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day."Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wi...
More About: Farmer
Cuz You're My Friend!
2008-05-30 09:01:00
Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems that always sound good but never actually come close to reality?Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card -- Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.When you are sad -- I will jump on the person who made you sad like a spider monkey jacked up on mountain dew.When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.When you smile -- I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.When you are confused -- I will use little words.When you are sick -- Stay away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever the hell you have.When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end...
More About: Friends , Friend
Heaven or Hell?
2008-05-29 09:01:00
While walking down the street one day a U.S. senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance."Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.""No problem, just let me in," says the man."Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.""Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator."I'm sorry, but we have our rules."And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.Everyone is very happy and in eveni...
More About: Heaven , Hell
The Purina Diet
2008-05-28 09:01:00
Yesterday I was at Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet Angel the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had an elephant?So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the d...
My Resimay
2008-05-27 21:44:00
To hoom it mae cunsern,I waunt to apply for the job what I saw in the paper. I kin Type realee qwik wit one finggar and do sum a counting. I think I am good on the fone and I no I am a pepole person, Pepole realee seam to reespond too me well. Certain men and all the ladies. I no my spelling is not too good but find that I Offen can get a job wit my persinalety. My salerery is open so we kin discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth, I kin start emeditely. Thank yoo in advanse fore yore anser. hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.Sinseerly,BRYAN nikname BeefyPS: Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me. Dear Beefy-I mean Bryan,It's OK honey, we've got spell check. Hat tip: Tisha of CrAzY Working Mom
What Time Is It?
2008-05-26 09:01:00
On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"The tower responded, "Who is calling?"The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."Have a great Memorial Day.
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This Week in Entrecard
2008-05-26 03:00:00
This is a great big thank youfor last weeks advertisers:
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The Trooper
2008-05-25 09:01:00
A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.The farmer said, "having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said "Well yeah, if that?s what they are? I never heard of circle flies."So the farmer says "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they?re called circle flies because they?re almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse?s ass?"The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about ...
More About: Cops , The Trooper , Trooper
The Pearly Gates
2008-05-24 09:01:00
A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter is reading through the Big Book to see if the guy's name is written in it. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name written in the Book.""How current is your copy?" he asks."I get a download every ten minutes." St. Peter replies, "Why do you ask?""I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was not until my death was imminent that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet.""I'm glad to hear that, "Pete says, "but while we're waiting for the update to come through, can you tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life?"The guys thinks for a moment and says, "Hmmm, well there was this one time when I was driving down a road and I saw a group of biker gang members harassing this poor girl. I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 20 of them harassing this poor w...
More About: Gates
The Genius Dog
2008-05-23 09:01:00
A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again.He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please."The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth.The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog. So, off he goes.The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following.The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the...
More About: Critters , Genius
The BlogBlast For Peace Meme ~ Join The Revolution
2008-05-22 18:17:00
My pal Mimi, the QUEEN of meme's, the creator of The Peace Globes, the author of BlogBlast for Peace has come up with a brilliant idea. She is treating her Peace Globes as a meme to spread this wonderful event. I'm going to jump on board and I challenge you to copy and paste this meme on your site and tag absolutely everyone in the blogosphere. Here's what Mimi has to say:Peace Globes did not begin as a meme. But it began to behave like a meme. Blog to blog to blog. Like a fog. We didn't use the word "tag" ....but that's what we did when we invited others in our blogrolls to participate. The fact that you did so without the obligatory tag is proof that the concept is powerful.It's a fact that the fastest and most effective way to spiral an idea out of control in the blogosphere is via a meme. I should know! The 700+ bloggers who participated in past launches (and that truly is the tip of The-Iceberg-I-Never-Found) knows what it means to them. It's about unity. We have that in...
More About: Meme , Join , Revolution , The Revolution
The Vibrator
2008-05-22 09:01:00
As a mom passes her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked, "What in the world are you doing?"The daughter replied, "Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, ummarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband! Please go away and leave me alone."The next day the girl's father heard the same buzzing coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, "Dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please go away and leave me alone."A couple of days later mom came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room.She entered ...
More About: Vibrator
The Young Politician...
2008-05-22 01:00:00
The young politician had a dream. His dream was one which could change the course of history, so when he woke up next morning, he decided to follow that dream. So he got up and made sure to take a shower and brush his teeth and listen to the news. He was going to bring change to his country, but first, he was going to dress up like a girl! But then he decided the first change would be back into men's clothing. After all, he had to be taken seriously. His dream was to promote less government interference in our daily lives.He realized that he was still in the business of running the country, for there were still roads to build, schools to run, and Alumni Panty Raids to organize (he was still frat president). After a good weekend of night clubbing with his favorite intern, a revelation came to him, while he was talking into the large porcelain telephone, where he could fund all government programs by running the largest lottery ever run by the government. His only stumbling block was...
More About: Young , Politician , The Young
Mimi's Labor of Love
2008-05-20 00:50:00
Mimi has a new site called The Peace Globe Gallery that she has organized to showcase globes #1 - 739. Read the entire post HERE. It all began with the story of a little blue marble in a bowl.....In a few short weeks bloggers from all across the globe will blog for peace.We will speak with one voice. One subject. One day.Won't you join us?June 4, 2008How To Get Your Peace GlobeYou can begin to spread the peace train by posting the list below on your blogs. Mimi is cooking up a mean meme (peacefully of course) to go along with it later this week. Or snag the code in her sidebar with the scrolled version of this same list if you'd like. Here's a button for the new site! The Master List of Peace GlobesNumbered #1-739Mimi Writes and Dating Profile Of The Day 2- 2CarolinaCats 3- 2CarolinaCats (2) 4- 2nd Lt Lundell 5- 7th Heaven 6- 42 7- The Cats Stephens 8- Airhead-55 9- Everything and Nothing 10- And Miles To Go Before We Sleep 11- Getting A Grip On Grace 12- Getting A Grip On Grace ...
More About: Love , Labor
Monday's Thoughts
2008-05-19 09:01:00
Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.A penny saved is a government oversight.The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.He who hesitates is probably right.Did you ever notice the Roman numerals for forty (40) are XL.If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so that when you call him or talk to him, he can tell when he's really in trouble.There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt!Did you ever notice when you put the 2 words 'The' an...
More About: Thoughts
This Week in Entrecard
2008-05-19 03:00:00
This is a great big thank youfor last weeks advertisers:
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The Story Game
2008-05-16 09:01:00
It's time to play The Story Game again. I just want you to have something entertaining to do if you swing by for a visit this weekend while I'm working as port captain of our yacht club. So play nice. Okay?Here's how it works. I'll start a story. You continue it in comments. Each commenter picks up where the last left off. Next week I'll give it an ending and post our story with the links to everyone who participated under the heading, "Contributing Authors". You can play as many times as you want and the game will run all weekend. Thanks for playing along.Here's the start of our next adventure:The Young Politician...Related Posts:The Evil QueenThe Handsome Prince
More About: The Story
Jesus Is Watching You!
2008-05-15 09:01:00
A burglar breaks into a house real late on night and as he is sneaking around the house with his flashlight, he hears a voice that loudly says, "Jesus is watching you!".The burglar, thinking he has been caught, stops in his tracks. Silence. So he starts looking through the house again when suddenly he hears, "Jesus is watching you!".Again the burglar stops in his tracks. After a few minutes he hears nothing, so he starts moving around again, and as before, hears "Jesus is watching you!". This time he hunts for the voice and finds a parrot sitting on a perch.The burglar askes the parrot if he said that and the parrot said, "yes". The burglar laughs and says "so, what's your name birdie?", and the Parrot replies, "Clarence". The burglar laughs even more and says, "What kind of idiot would name a Parrot "Clarence"?The parrot replies "The same idiot that named the rottweiller "Jesus".Hat tip: Mimi of Mimi Writes Tomorrow is The Weekend Story Game! Come back and play.
More About: Watching
The Chase
2008-05-14 21:52:00
There was a man that owned a giant gorilla and, all its life; he'd never left it on its own. But eventually he had to go on a business trip and had to leave his gorilla in the care of his next-door neighbor. So he explained to his neighbor that all he had to do was feed his gorilla three bananas a day at three, six and nine o'clock. But he was never ever, ever to touch its fur.So the next day the man came and gave the gorilla a banana and looked at it for a while thinking, Why can't I touch its fur? There didn't seem to be anything wrong with it.Every day he came in and looked for a little while longer as he still couldn't understand until, about a week later, he'd worked himself into a frenzy and decided that he was going to touch the gorilla. He passed it the banana and very gently brushed the back of his hand against its fur.Suddenly the gorilla went ape shit and started to jump around, then it turned and began to running towards the man who, in turn, ran through the fron...
More About: Critters , Chase
This Week in Entrecard
2008-05-12 06:14:00
This is a great big thank youfor last weeks advertisers:
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