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Hat's off!
2007-10-18 22:28:00
David Lynch needs to take some time off. His new movie about flourescent witches who live in an old photograph of a Holiday Inn in Sumatra is way too derivative.--NattyI have this recurring nightmare where girls-gone-wild jump out of the TV screen like in "The Ring" and order me to do shots with them and root for their college football team until I decide I'm completely through with heterosexuality.Love,Brett ScieszkaNow mind you, I haven't seen Brett in a really long time, and I'm not sure that we were ever at the level of acquaintance where it would be acceptable for me to do such a thing, but these last couple posts of his are really cranking up my haze-o-meter, and are giving me the burning desire to swirlie him to appease my inner jock. If his above description is truly "Ring"-like, in that it would induce death, I'd say bring on the burial plot.-JQP

Sneak Attack!
2007-10-18 22:26:00
I have a dream in which DJ from Full House goes around snapping the necks of sorority girls and handing out crappy beer. Someone took a photo of that dream.--NattyWhenever you go to a party with regular people there's always that one sorority chick kind of girl who's really loud and has that hoarse Tara Reid voice who's all "who wants to do body shots?" and then when you're all "not me" she makes a really big deal about it and is like "listen, you're DOING body shots with me NOW." Why does this party have two of those girls?Love,Brett ScieszkaI always wondered what it would be like to meet Bizarro Sawyer, and I guess I did a few years ago and didn't even realize it. Also, instead of "Reywas", his name is "Brett."-JQPP.S- Leave Bud Light alone, assholes.
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Fun in the Sun
2007-10-18 22:14:00
Israeli kids go on spring break at the much younger than Americans do because they've only got a couple more years until they'll be dodging rocks and driving tanks. They're given the years between seven and ten to drink, smoke, and fuck in case they die young.--NattyThese kids have it easy. When my dad was a teen he was a counsellor at this camp that would take urban kids from Flint and make them work on a farm all summer. There was this huge pig and when you went to fill its feed trough you had to beat in the head with a shovel to prevent it from biting you.Love,Brett ScieskzaI didn't realize "Club Med: Pedo Beach" started advertising outside of the NAMBLA community. Risky move, but as they say in the business world, who dares, wins.-JQP

Up Yours
2007-10-18 22:08:00
It's always a bit strange to meet the life models used by famous painters. It's especially terrifying when that painter is Heironymus Bosch. It must be said that no more vivid example of the wages of sin can be contemplated than this succubus showing you exactly where she's about to stick you.--Natty

WE love you long time
2007-10-16 20:30:00
The Christopher Paul Neil reunion was a huge success. OUCH! NO I DIDN'T!--NattyKid in back: "I make THIS MANY Nike's today!"Photographer: "Great, put your damn shirt back on."-JQPWhen you watch those crazy "caught on video shows" have you ever noticed how the rawest shit comes from Southeast Asia? Its always a methed up dude in Thailand taking a butcher's knife to a prime minister's daughter, or a guy trying to rob a bank by running a motor scooter full tilt into the teller's window. Its probably because a lot of those countries are super impoverished but maybe its also because they've all gone fucking nuts from having to deal with this many kids. Love ,Brett Scieszka
More About: Time , Long

Glimmer
2007-10-16 20:26:00
When you're the best looking person in the group, you can strike a winning pose and never look stupid because everyone is too busy trying to figure out why you haven't moved to New York with all the other attractive people. The answer is that you'd never get away with a pose like that.--NattyMy Grandmother told me how she used to drive my Uncle around through the black neighborhoods in Cleveland, and he'd say "Mommy, why are they all sitting around on their steps, why aren't they at work?" She'd tell him "It's not their fault, they don't understand that you're supposed to get a job and wake up in the morning and go to work, they just don't know any better." Then she moved to Germany and changed her name and directed "Triumph of the Will." But she was right about not knowing any better about certain things, for instance, not knowing better than to pose like a body double for either Tia or Tamera during their "Sister/Sister" years, just to take all the attention away from...

Up against the wall
2007-10-16 20:22:00
Sometimes when your favorite hooker's test comes back negative you just can't wait and you have to do it right there in he doctor's waiting room.--NattyIs it just me, or does she have little people legs? Seriously. Looks like some kind of freakish hybrid hooker where they grafted a midget hooker together with a regular one. I mean there's a market for everything, so who am I to say what's right. But there's something not quite on the level with this. Well, at least we can all agree she's hookin.-JQP
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Rainbow Coalition
2007-10-16 20:20:00
I can't believe that idiot gave me all his clothes just for that stupid hat. The Phoenix Godzillas ain't even a real team. Oh shit. My hair just exploded. Twice.--NattyWho knew you could rub black people on balloons and get them super static-y? The playful giant at the balloon factory that this poor soul stumbled upon, thats who.-JQPRemember that song "Afro Puffs" by Lady of Rage? Of course you don't. I was walking by the check cashing palce the other day and I saw that she was hanging around outside yelling into her cellphone that she was too friends with Kenan Thompson and that he better take her motherfucking call. Love,Brett Scieszka
More About: Coalition , Rainbow , Rainbow Coalition , Rainbo

The Thinker
2007-10-16 20:18:00
Shit. Maybe I shouldn'ta sold my clothes for this hat. Now I can't leave the house to go buy some more clothes. This shit's a vicious circle.--NattyOne time a friend of mine was stuck trying to buy weed in Detroit and got suckered into going all the way up to the top of a parking structure with this crackhead carrying a big bag of cans. When they got to the top my friend was like "Ok dude, where's the weed?" Then the guy starts swinging his sack of cans around like crazy and is all "bitch, give me all your money." My friend was so pissed he dropped the dude with a punch to the stomach and took his bag of cans. True story. Love,Brett Scieszka
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Money Makin'
2007-10-10 20:10:00
Four. I have four dollars. Yo, you want a hit off of this sweet ass butterfly cocoon?-NattyThanks Sean Combs! You've officially made every suburban arab kid think its cool to dress up like hip-hop Gucci and brag about their Dad's successful contracting business from the front seat of a Denali. Do these greaseballs ever get laid (ever)?Love,Brett ScieszkaSo back home my friend Greg lives down the street from this dude Bobby The Retard. I've known Bobby since he was just this kid, Bobby the Retard, but now he's a grown ass man, at least to whatever extent he'll ever fit that description. He has pretty much the same mustache as this kid, and has had said mustache ever since he was 15 or so. Now, that was an age at which I'm fairly positive he wasn't trusted to use a razor on his own, so his Mom, Pam, must have groomed it for him. Pam also banged her nephew and tried to bang Greg when he was 15, by playing the "no bathing suits in the pool" game a little too forcefully. But ...
More About: Money , Makin

So many things going on right here.
2007-10-10 20:09:00
This is like when your sister comes home for the summer after her first year at liberal arts school. She wears underwear on the outside of her shorts because she's "making us confront gender roles," and she does all sorts of other weird stuff like listen to Devendra Banhart and bring home street people. You're mom's all nervous and goes "who's this you've brought home for dinner dear," and the homeless guy's all "hey bitch, got any insulin?" Love,Brett Scieszka
More About: Things , Going , Goin

What are you looking at?
2007-10-10 20:05:00
This guy was thrown out of the Greek Senate when they realized that he was not, in fact, a member of the Greek landed gentry, but in fact an Irish Jew by the name of Seamus O'Berkowitz. He was trying to get a bill passed making potato pancakes the official food of Western Civilization.--NattyWhen The Adventures of Pete and Pete got cancelled, older Pete resorted to giving hand jobs at the local bathhouse to pay the bills. Where is Artie: the strongest man in the world when you need him?- James"Oh, like I'm the only guy in HISTORY OF THE WORLD to have a LITTLE TOO MUCH to drink and wake up outside a bath house wrapped in a bedsheet. Some friends. I call you because I need a ride home and you show just show up to laugh at me. You know, Herschel, there was a time that you needed someone to lie to your mom about whose copy of Hustler she found under your mattress, and I took the fall like a real friend. It's times like this that I question just how much of a mensch you really are...

Happy Birthday
2007-10-10 20:02:00
It's always creepy when the only photos they have of missing children are provided with no context. For example, these teenaged twins were actually taking part in a Satanic mass when this was taken, not a birthday party at the beach. The eager demonic intensity of their eyes are all the proof you need that this was a prelude to a massive multi-generational multi-racial multi-specied blood orgy. I should know, I've seen that look a thousand times.--nattyThere's few things sadder than a birthday party on the set of a combination incest/snuff film. Let your spirit soar children, your bodies shall soon perish. Unless Nic Cage saves you. Fingers crossed.-JQP
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Sister, Sister
2007-10-10 19:38:00
I wish that I had two YNN's (Young Nubile Nubians) crawling around on the carpeted floor outside my apartment. I'd wake up every morning to the sound of them scratching at my door, demanding more A-Treat Cola in a dish and a cocoa-butter scented bubble-bath. I would return home from work every day and roll around with them on the floor while they read articles from The Source to me. You can probably tell I've never actually dated a black girl.--NattyMy friend back home has a pickup truck (shut up) and on the first nice day of spring a few years ago a few of us took off our shirts and cruised around downtown Albany sitting in the pickup bed. We went to visit the library my friend works at which is in the raw ass section of town, and all the little black kids started laughing at us and going "SICK DUDES, METALLLLL, ROCK AND ROLL." We really didn't have anything to clap back with, so we sheepishly put our shirts back on and drove away. Now whenever I see black people making the ...
More About: Sister

Strange Bedfellows
2007-10-05 22:34:00
I was hesitant to post this, because it's always controversial to talk about underage furries. However, in the interest of freedom of speech and open inquiry, I have posted this photograph in the hopes that we can understand the cause of these mental abberations and eventually work together to give these poor infants the help they most desperately need. We shouldn't have to see pictures like this anymore.--NattyYou've heard of prison gay, where dudes who spend time locked up get out but still keep fucking dudes because it's what they're used to, right? Well here's a newer phenomenon known as "time out gay." Preschool done changed.-JQPRemember when you were a kid and all you needed to conk out and catch some z's was a stuffed animal with a silly name? Nowadays my stuffed animals have silly names like Valium, Codeine, and Xanax. Love,Brett Scieszka
More About: Strange , Strange Bedfellows , Tran

Body Surfing
2007-10-05 22:28:00
In the weeks following hurricane Katrina thousands of pieces of trash were found floating in the water.-NattyYou know what's a really fun game to play when you're swimming with some buds? You act like you're wrestling and jump on someone's back then just let loose and pee as much as possible. When they start to feel the warmth hold on tight and say "Ah ha ha, I'm peeing on you." Love,Brett Scieszka
More About: Body , Surfing

WEEEEE!!!!
2007-10-05 22:15:00
Picture this, if you will: you have a recurrent dream every single night. You're cruising down an East Texas highway, the horizon stretching out, dividing the heavens from the firmament, the sun painting the sky every hue of lifeblood, and the symettry of nature bespeaks untold volumes of cosmic poetry unto your soul. The radio stays floating between channels, purring out a blissful static hiss as the road beneath you seems to urge you onward at steady velocity and the telephone poles fly past; signposts to the future, modern megaliths creating a new vocabulary of digital worship.The next thing you know, a giant man with Down Syndrome is careening toward you in a massive yellow bumper car. You try to dodge, but find your steering wheel locked. Every time you press the gas, he only seems to gain on you. Finally, as he, comes to within 6 inches of your rear he bellows out "I STEAL YOUR OIL WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"Now imagine you're President Bush and you wake in a cold sweat to this ea...

Nitrous
2007-10-01 19:23:00
I've been to Manchester, and this is pretty much exactly what it's like. Everyone is high on E and NO2 and they all kind of look like they're a bit too old to still be doing that. It's a pretty awesome town.--NattyI've never seen Nitrous in balloon form in real life, but having worked at coffee shops throughout most of high school you get really familiar with the whipped cream version. When it was crazy packed on weekend nights there would be a sign-up sheet in the back room of who got dibs on the next can. When it was your turn you'd go out back, sit on a milk crate, suck on the nozzle, have a glorious high for like 20 seconds, and then realize you're sitting out by a dumpster wearing a stupid shirt and a stupid apron. Love,Brett ScieszkaComing this fall to ABC: "Two Guys, A Girl, and a falsified rape charge."--SawyerRemember in Boogie Nights when Dirk Diggler asks Amber Waves “Do I look cool doing it?” when he tries cocaine for the first time? I wish these people asked ...

Mine too.
2007-09-13 20:13:00
This is the problem with swinger parties. You and your date go in order to have some freaky sex, and you end up getting groped by Stan Lee, his brother, and their twin wives. In fact, swinger parties are just a desperate attempt to expand the Lee gene pool. You don't think that anyone with a normal chromosome count would come up with the "Fantastic Four" do you? In fact, Mr. Fantastic is what he goes by at anonymous sex parties.--NattyI can't stop imagining their epic dinner parties with never-ending conversations about green technology and how funny "Gray's Anatomy" is. Rhonda will tell everybody about "the crazies" she meets at her job at the DMV, and Neil will loan Carl this "awesome Frank Herbert novel." P.S. if you didn't already guess they're Unitarians. Love,Brett ScieszkaThat's strange, these are my best friends.- Will
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Mother, tell your children not to walk my way....
2007-09-13 20:06:00
Today in Branson, Missouri, two young Romanian immigrant girls stole a pair of twins in order to sacrifice them to the gypsy tree god. The infants were dressed in ceremonial robes (where do you think the Nazis got the idea for numbered yellow stars on concentration camp uniforms?) and then their genitals were tickled until their testicles descended prematurely. The women then left the children in an Applebee's bathroom, as is the custom, and went back to hitting each other with ugly sticks.--NattyHow dare you associate Danzig with these whores.- RöbynnI like that whole Uncle thing where you can play with a kid and have a good time without having to deal with all the awful stuff that comes with having a kid for real. Like you're playing with your nephew and all of a sudden he pukes all over your brother's carpet and you're just laughing really hard, and then the kid craps himself and it leaks out of his diaper onto the carpet and the dog comes over and starts licking it up and y...
More About: Children , Mother , Walk

Beach Panel Bingo
2007-09-07 21:10:00
Summer is coming to an end, so before you pack up your swim trunks, waterproof tampons, and pina colada-flavored roofies, enjoy some of our favorite beach photos. When people think of Jamaica, they think of Marijuana and Bob Marley, but when they go to Jamaica, they spend most of their time doing this: drinking watered-down Red Stripe out of plastic cups, tooling around in the gayest watercraft known to man (the paddleboat) and listening to steel drums being played by a smiling black man who is dying inside but does it so that his children don't have to work in the paddleboat factory. Then when they get back to the office, they talk about how awesome Jamaica is and how friendly the natives are. Meanwhile the girl they had met the night before was raped and knifed in Kingston the following afternoon.--NattyOh man, so one time I went on vacation with my family to Aruba and I was having all these crazy weird mental problems, and I was a straight up miserable nervous wreck. So I'm han...
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Tilt your head back.
2007-09-04 20:51:00
Not content with date rape, young college men have found a new pastime: "birding." This involves regurgitating food into the mouth of your "chick."--NattyI saw this one "true crime" show where a bunch of dudes in an SUV accosted one of their female friends and were like "bitch if you don't do everything we say we'll kill you." So they drove her into the woods, and made her dig her own grave, and pointed a gun at her, and she's totally sobbing and shitting her pants, and then at the last second they were all "psych! You should see your face. hahahahaha." Isn't that the most fucked-up thing you've ever heard? Love,Brett Scieszka
More About: Back , Head , Tilt

Wacky!
2007-09-04 19:41:00
I'm not sure what the significance of the "scissor" sign is to this gang of eunuchs, but I am impressed that they managed to hang from the ceiling and take the picture upside down (as demonstrated by the wine glasses.) The expressions of horror on their faces are because gravity is slowly pulling their menstrual blood toward their faces.--NattyI'm not really that into LA but every once in a while I have these weird Bret Easton Ellis fantasies where I'm a super-rich spoiled kid who drives around town in a Mercedes and lacks any sense of sincerity or social conscience. Standing on the edge of the pool, naked (except for my shades) holding an empty whiskey bottle I yell "NOTHING MATTERS" and fall face first into the water.Love,Brett Scieszka

My beard used to be THIS big!
2007-08-30 22:24:00
It's kind of cool that Eastern Europe has it's own Santa Claus, even if his workshop is next to the Municipal Waste Processing River and his toys are all just made up of variations in amounts of oil and rags and powdered lead, and he actually hates children and sacrifices them to Apollo whenever he gets a chance and if he doesn't get the traditional Vodka and Cigarette offering when he climbs into your house through the toilet, he shits in your grain, and he rides on a carpet made of woven pubes pulled by a giant maggot and his workers are cripples instead of elves, and he lets his leper friend Grilshk rape girls with his arm-stump on their thirteenth birthday. Actually, Santinski Klausch is fucking awesome.--Natty“Just like Oscar the Grouch.”- JamesThis is like when you go see your estranged Grandfather for the first time in 15 years and the only thing you remember about him is that he always used to give you these shitty Christmas presents homemade out of electronic junk an...
More About: Beard , Bear

Scream real loud!
2007-08-30 22:19:00
I knew it was a bad idea to abduct an ENTIRE girl scout troupe. Every time I tried to show them my piercings and describe where I like to keep my collection of pickled genitals , they just called me a poopy-head and started laughing at me. It really hurt my feelings, and I nearly filled my gas-mask up with tears. It was almost enough to make a man turn in his collar and his bible. Almost.--NattyYou know when you're hanging out in the woods and you roll over a rotten log and there's this huge mess of nasty, fat, white maggots wriggling all over each other and just doing their thing? This is the same thing only you're delivering room service in a Motel-8 to a Senior Trip group. Love,Brett ScieszkaThe reason they advise you to take the comforter off of a hotel room bed is not because it’s dirty from countless porno shoots, but because it’s dirty from countless fat and ugly girls posing for pictures on it.- James
More About: Scream , Real , Loud

The Humpty-Hump
2007-08-30 22:16:00
"Shit, we caught the unabomber!""Quick, fuck him in the ass!""Dammit, I just realized, I don't have a penis!""Here, I'll put mine between your legs and you can use it as though it were your own.""Thanks, Yokozuna!""No, problem.""Hey, why is that guy taking a picture?""Nevermind, just smile."--NattyP.S. We do have a lot of hump-trains on this website. If you've ever been to one of our infamous "Parties of Experts" you would know why.The Black-Eyed Peas suck.Love,Brett ScieszkaThe freak-train again!! Is there something I’m missing? I guess it’s the American equivalent of that peace sign Japanese people do in pictures all the time.- James
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Girlz in da hood.
2007-08-30 22:12:00
It's always nice to find out that there are still little pockets of America where Good Times is still the number one show, acid-washed jeans are the shit, and the streets are ruled by black teenage lesbians who never stop smiling. This is what Sesame Street was supposed to be until the Klan turned it into a family show. Oscar's trashcan was more like Uncle Tom's Cabin.--NattyIts a given that I'm scared of being made fun of by sassy black Brooklyn teenagers. But what if they were nice to you and let you hang out? It would make the rest of your friends look like MIT linguistics majors with asthma who are constantly JO-ing to cartoon porn on the internet. Love,Brett ScieszkaI could get down with these girls. Sure we probably don’t like the same music, but at least they’re not going to yell at me from across the street. It’s called: respect.- James
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IMPORTANT INFO!!!
2007-08-28 19:47:00
The Panel is NOW ACCEPTING APPLICANTS for membership!!!If you think you're funny and cruel enough to mock others' unfortunate photographs, send an email to nattyadams@gmail.com commenting on one (or several!) of the photos on this website. If we think you're good enough, you could be the newest expert in our family! And if we think you suck, please send us a photo of yourself so we can all make fun of it.--Natty
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Painted Man
2007-08-28 19:42:00
Wow. Where to begin? I'm convinced that the joker on his stomach was tattooed on by his Insane Clown Posse-Loving nephew while he was passed out after too many Cisco-and-colas. The Shark on his shoulder was apparently so cool he had to get a couple more on his neck. And the claim "Till My Casket Drops" makes no positive affirmation of what will presumably be ongoing until such time as his casket does, in fact, drop. Will he be getting tattooed until his casket drops? Drinking? Sleeping? Studying? I wonder if his son has one that says "till my testes drop."--NattyP.S. James, Brett, Robynn: As tattoo enthusiasts you must have some insight which I lack.I always like it when I see an old guy with lousy tattoos. When you ask him about them he's all "oh this piece 'a shit? I was doing a lot of meth and I had just joined this skinhead gang and it seemed like the right thing to do." Then you both laugh and shoot guns at a couch in his backyard. Love,Brett ScieszkaYou know those office ex...

M.I.L.V. (The V stands for vomit all over)
2007-08-28 19:31:00
We Americans get a lot of shit for our overly enthusiastic, dangerously-obsessive celebrity worship, but when your alternative is Izmervina, the "Chechnyan Britney Spears," is the decision that hard to make? Her hair has been dyed by years of radiation exposure, and that baby isn't even her own. She stole it from an Uzbeki whore whom she bested in a knife fight (and they think our pop stars are trailer trash.) The worst part is that government officials have to check her lyrics to make sure they conform to party platforms and with song titles like "Chechen Breast Milk is Purity for Childy Baby, not Like Milk of Withered Kumyk Bosom Which is Poison-Made," some have speculated that government goons are actually writing her songs themselves. However, these claims are unfounded because those who made them have subsequently dissapeared.--NattyThe best part of this photo is that on the other end of the camera is a guy who's like "Look at my beautiful wife. Look at my beautiful child. My...
More About: Vomit