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Splish Splash
2007-08-28 19:02:00
Gore Vidal payed a lot of money to have this room added to his house. He pays the boys loads to splash each other and laugh while he watches them from behind his two-way mirror and drinks sparkling honey from a bowl made of frozen sperm.--NattyIn 7th grade I broke my arm by slipping near the pool in gym class. When I lifted myself up I saw my arm was in this really weird shape that it wasn't supposed to be in. I was kind of in this cool shock/fascination haze for a moment until the girl next to me started screaming. Then it fucking hurt. Love,Brett ScieszkaI don’t care if you think peeing in the pool or hot tub is funny. It’s gross. You wouldn’t sit in the toilet would you?- James
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Home Alone
2007-08-28 18:57:00
I really hope that this is a still frame from one of those PSAs where the next thing that happens is the dad walks in and goes, "What the hell are you doing? Where did you learn that?" And the kid tearfully says "I learned it from you, dad! I learned it from you!" Then the realization that one can't be a good parent without being a good role model slowly spreads across the father's countenance as he resolves to never pretend to sodomize his buddy with a couch cushion while said buddy headbutts his cousin in the stomach and gives a thumbs up.--NattyHow fun is it to just be a kid and totally fuck around all the time. After an afternoon of making prank phone calls with your friend's caller ID scrambler, and talking about Jessica's "huge tits," you open the freezer and go "holy shit, my Mom never lets us have pizza rolls!" Your friend's all "Dude, let's eat the whole box."Love,Brett ScieszkaWhat scares me is not that these kids are doing the “I’m fucking my friend with a phall...
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Death Wish
2007-08-22 22:24:00
I thought that remaking "The Deerhunter" was a bad enough idea, but casting Ellen Degeneres in the lead role is just box office poison.--NattyI just want this little bitch turn out to be gay so he can redecorate his mother's atrocious fucking living room. This kid should join the fab five and limit the use of patterns in any space to a fab two. Do I see a chenille throw? AND a brocade pillow? Honestly, what the fuck is going on here? This living room makes my queer sensibilities hurt. No wonder this little fag wants to shoot himself.-RöbynnThis kid must be some sort of Croatian Gypsy because you can't find toy guns that cool anywhere in America. All the ones I had as a kid were so garish and brightly colored it looked like Lisa Frank and Elton John did a designer series for GI Joe. If you rolled up on the local game of "Cowboys and Indians" with that thing all the kids would drop their weapons and rally around the new warlord. Love,Brett ScieszkaMom: I don’t get it. Why d...
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Line 'em up!
2007-08-22 22:22:00
While completing the nighttime drunk-cycling leg of the Four-Person Bicycle Tour de France, Sandy fell asleep after she was roofied by Lance Armstrong.--NattyHow weird are people who are really into Crew? They have these huge buff upper bodies with spindly little chicken legs. It kind of makes them look like cartoon bouncers who went to Yale. Love,Brett ScieszkaBachelorette parties always put a smile on my face. They sit around talk about sex, drink a few cosmos, and make the bride-to-be wear a penis on her head. It’s like Disneyland compared to what her soon to be husband is doing at his bachelor party (blowing rails and getting a BJ from the stripper while his best man hoots and hollers).- James
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Tough
2007-08-22 22:17:00
This lesbian is really upset that her combination chair-shorts clash with the dollar-store minimalism of her adobe hut and dry-grass carpet. That, and she can't even figure out how to use velcro. She's indicating to the cameraman that she's been trying for two hours already.--NattyWhat's up homeboy? I thought you were hetero too, til I noticed the cum all over your shorts. Not that I have a problem with that. But your boyz might. Don't worry - your secret's safe with me.-RöbynnThis is totally what its like when your friend drops out of high school and gets a job working for Time Warner. You go over to their new completely unfurnished apartment to drink some beers but then leave early when you realize that all you're gonna end up doing is playing old Sega Genesis games on a ten inch TV screen, from a blue beanbag all day. Love,Brett Scieszkavisit http://www.humor-blogs.com/
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Cuddle
2007-08-22 22:16:00
This guy had sex with one of his "Dawgz" and then gave birth to an actual dog. They're going to raise it to be a professional Michael Vick Fighting League champion.--NattyThis guy looks like a wombat. It's as simple as that-RöbynnIt would be a lot sweeter and a lot less depressing if this guy was part of some satanic varsity cult that used unholy rites to breed dog/human hybrids that live in the sewer and feast upon homeless people and promiscuous teenagers instead of some rat-stached high school kid who got his girl pregnant and is practicing how to properly hold a baby with the family dog. Love,Brett ScieszkaCheating on your girlfriend with her pet cat carries the same responsibilities. You get it pregnant. You have to support it. It’s called being a man.- James

A very special "Panty Panel"
2007-08-20 19:02:00
Hey, we know some panel experts have been M.I.A. (not the singer) for a while. Well, to make it up to you, we've focused on what matters to people all over the world: people in underwear, at parties, looking ridiculous. Let's do this:Bat Mitzvahs are fun, but only if you serve giant tumblers of Orangina and Rum and invite your one wacky goyim friend who taught you how to vomit and described a penis as tasting a bit like shrimp. When you told her you weren't allowed to eat shrimp because of the Torah, she looked at you and said, that's okay, sperm tastes kind of like Lox. You both laughed for hours. Then when she thought you were asleep she put her hand down your "friday" underpants and you wondered if it was a sin to do that on the sabbath.--NattyI am not even going to lie and say I don't own those blue underpants. I b ought them at Daffy's, probably right after this nasty bitch tried them on. Which I think means my cooter and this girl's cooter have touched, because I also d...
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I'm ever so wacky!
2007-08-16 21:45:00
Great. You had a theme party in your dorm room and this guy decided to completely ignore "Canadian Christmas" and just grabbed whatever he could find and ended up as "sherlock holmes-leprechaun-pilgrim-metamucil-muske teer." Every time you're trying to talk to someone he walks up and starts speaking in a terrible Welsh-by-way-of-China accent and laughing to himself. He occasionally refills his glass with two healthy tablespoons of fibery goodness and vodka. Right now you're wondering if you should ask a frat boy for a roofie so you can leave this guy in an alleyway somewhere far away from you. Seriously, nobody would blame you if you did.--NattyYou know you're in a bad relationship when you're trying to express your deep seated dissatisfaction with your significant other's "go-nowhere" attitude and after you finish he pops out of the bathroom like this and goes "Would this make a funny picture? Take a picture of me." Love,Brett ScieszkaIn major metropolitan areas it’s not unco...

Willing Suspension of Trousers.
2007-08-16 21:39:00
"Yeah, what up, bitch? You up for a bit of the old ultra-violence? Some of the old in-out in out? Shit, me and my droogies gon' drink some moloko... hey... where are you going? No, don't leave. Please, look, I promise we'll do 'Ghost' next. Okay? Awesome.... yeah, so, like I was saying; viddy well, my little devotchka...."--NattyP.S. Suspenders + Belt = reduntant = looks like an asshole.I don't know what it is, but the combination of wall decoration in this room is really creepy to me. I keep picturing Jeffrey Dahmer on the other end of the camera wiggling a $100 bill and holding a power drill behind his back. Love,Brett ScieszkaThe only people allowed to wear suspenders and belts at the same time are fireman. It serves a utilitarian purpose. This just serves a TOOLtarian purpose.- James
More About: Trousers , Suspension