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Function Over Form
2008-04-16 18:44:00
You know, people talk down on RealDolls, but lets leave aside the question of the grossness of human/doll intercourse for a moment. Say what you will about RealDolls, but when it comes down to it, who else are you going to want to have on your arm when you go meet the bass player of White Lion at Guitar Center?-JQPGetting mistaken for a "real" celebrity can kind of ware on you after awhile (I know, it happens to me all the time). At first you're like "No, I'm not in your favorite band.. no, I'm not that artist.. yes, I had sex with your girlfriend etc, etc, etc." But every once in awhile people do recognize you for something you actually do, and the free drink they buy you at the bar tastes extra sweet.- James
More About: Form , Function

Ain't No Party Like...
2008-04-16 18:35:00
There's something to be said for the ability to pose in such a manner as to suggest that wherever you may be at that moment is the coolest, most fun place on earth. Especially so when that place happens to be the lazily cordoned off VIP section for the "Wednesday Night Battle Of The Bands Rocktacular" at McFlanahans in Allentown, PA.-JQP
More About: Party

Consarn It.
2008-04-01 19:39:00
oro"Well sir, some folks like em for eatin. And some folks like em for fuckin. But while these little fellers make for some tasty vittles and can wriggle around your johnson like a reno showgirl on payday, what they're REALLY good for is killin. You get these varmints good and riled up and they'll eviscerate a herd of cattle in two shakes of a dogs tail. So just imagine what they'll do to them chinamen who keep tryin ta steal my gold!"-JQP"I know we just met, but I got you this duck. It matches your eyes. Take is as a token of my affections."-DanIt don't much matter which end ye' put in first so long's it feels good. The scarf? Oh that was a gift to my moth - FROM my mother! FROM my mother! Aww shit.- Scot

Weaknesses: The color yellow and mulitcuturual outdoor gatherings...
2008-04-01 19:34:00
Further proof that John Stewart was the worst green lantern: letting his nerdy nephew Jermaine borrow the ring to "make our street fair TOTALLY BOSS."-JQPThe Producers of the upcoming live-action Get-Along Gang feature spared no expense in combing every blooming onion, name-on-rice, fried snickers, and mozzarepa stand in Wisconsin for talent. Pictures of the final cast leaked to aintitcool set Get-Along Gang related blogs on fire for about 12 minutes before every single Get-Along Gang fan realized they had actually been thinking of the ShirtTales all these years.- Scot
More About: Color , Yellow , Outdoor

And one to grow on!
2008-04-01 19:30:00
Party hats: $3.45 on your visa mastercard.Helium balloons and tank rental: $45.99 on your visa mastercard.First birthday after escaping the tyrannical rule of Ma Fratelli: priceless.-JQPThe best part about those hats is that they double as drool collectors for Anthony (WILD name guess). He gets very excited when he opens his presents - most likely bottles of Drakkar Noir and a gift certificate to Faux Glow Fantasy Tan. Another year, another zero lessons learned.-Dr. CoquetoastanThis guy has the look of: "Oh fuck, that "birthday gift to myself" I ordered is about to show up any minute, and my damn girlfriend's pastor of father is here!"- James
More About: Grow

Goth-Talk
2008-03-17 21:25:00
I was DVD shopping yesterday and they had the superduper special edition of The Dark Crystal on sale for 5 bucks brand new. Being that I loved that movie when I was little, I decided to pick it up. But realizing that purchase also pushed me a little further into the above territory than I'd really prefer, I'm glad I also purchased the Showgirls VIP Edition, complete with shot glasses, pasties, sleeping mask, drinking games, and pin-the-pasties-on-the-boobs wall game. So I'm right back to dudetown.-JQPDo you think Spencer Gifts has more than one of these things, or did they have to give her the floor model? -Dan
More About: Talk , Goth

Lot Lizard 2160 AD
2008-03-17 16:44:00
There are way too many possibilities here. Is LA FITNESS hard up enough for customers that they've forgone the traditional "free tote bag with every membership" in favor of "Anime Hooker/Rice Rocket" combo? Is she hunting a future mate? Is this the most low budget car calendar shoot ever? Underneath all my mockery am I secretly jealous, being the owner of neither a car nor a sexy urban geisha? Ah, life's many questions.-JQPThe script edits on the new Knight Rider are finally making it worth my time to watch TV. In this scene, Kitt breezes through a stop sign and it gets a porno ticket.- ScotIf your car looks like a Transformer, and your girlfriend looks like a Bratz doll; you're probably Asian.- James
More About: Lizard

Life is not a verb.
2008-03-17 16:25:00
And to think people said Jake Busey wouldn't amount to anything. He is so goddamn serious about the way he parties. This isn't even fun for him. It's like breathing. He parties because he has no other choice. Though I pray he chooses to leave manthing on the right out of the orgy later.The staff of Delmonico's Steakhouse are happy to pose for photos with you and, for an extra $1.50, they will import the photo into a computer and add a heart, star, or steak shaped border to your souvenir.- scotBurlesque is just another name for “budget stripper.” Do your eyeballs and your regular balls a favor and save your pennies so you can go to the grown-up place where you can hope for something more than just a nipple slip.- James
More About: Life

Where To Begin
2008-03-04 22:41:00
Please god let that be some kind of "My Buddy." Actually fuck it, that might be even worse.-JQPPepsi: The Choice of a New Generation of Young Men Who Like To Dry Hump in Seedy Motels While Watching YouTube Videos-Dan

So Naughty!
2008-03-04 20:59:00
This is the Asian equivalent of a girl getting drunk and pretending to blow a male stripper for comedy's sake. And this will not only keep this young man bashfully tweaking the nose from landing his dream job, it will land him in prison along with dissidents, condemned to hard labor for the rest of his days.-JQP

Feelin Sexy 24/7
2008-03-04 20:53:00
I for one am looking forward to the day when "downward angle cleavage showcasing self portrait for myspace" is such a common theme in photography that it has it's own installation at the Met. That will also be the day when I consider actually paying the suggested donation of $12 rather than ten cents.-JQPMaybe the man of your dreams is out there clickin' and maybe he just needed the shamrock shake bukkake emotional trigger to wake him up enough to send that "showin da love" gif that starts a romance of the ages.- scot
More About: Sexy

Attack Of The 50 Ft. Slores
2008-03-04 20:47:00
Shaking with rage and sass the giant skanks push clean through the roof of this pitiful human domicile. With the new race of amazonian party girls upon us, the worlds supplies of tanning spray and appletini mix will soon be depleted, and it's only a matter of time before we are forced to bow to these giant, sexy, and loose superwomen. And let me be the first to say, "ABOUT FUCKING TIME!"-JQP
More About: Attack

Happy...Halloween...I guess?
2008-03-02 02:38:00
A Still taken from my new instructional dance video, "Whore Party on Planet Ham".-Mike Dikk
More About: Happy , Guess , Halloween

BEST DAY EVVERRRRRR.
2008-03-02 02:35:00
Submission photo for 2008's 'Loneliest Kid in the World' competition.-Mike Dikk

THANKS A LOT DIMEBAG.
2008-02-28 18:17:00
ALRIGHT YOU MOTHERFUCKERS, THIS ONE GOES OUT TO MY GIRL KRYSTAL, SULLY DOWN AT AUTOZONE, AND NOAM CHOMSKY FOR BEING ONE DOWN ASS BROTHER. MOVE IT YOU FUCKING PUSSIESSSSSSS.-JQP...AND ON THE GUITAR, GIVE A WARM CANADIAN HELLO TO JIM "THE ANVIL" NEIDHART-Dan

Beat you like a redheaded...
2008-02-28 18:13:00
O'DOYLE RULES!-JQPWhat's most distressing about this is that the plaid on the pillow doesn't even match the plaid on the couch, which leads me to believe that this entire family might be colorblind and will be mistakenly checking off "african-american" on all of their college applications.-DanI'm almost certain the one kid applying the headlock is holding a DVD copy of "Desperate Housewives". -- Mike Dikk
More About: Beat

Popeye the Bonerman
2008-02-26 18:25:00
Why yes it is a Pea Coat! Did you know they were popular for years with members of the merchant marine due to their durability and warmth on the high seas, and are now popular because it's an easier way to say "I read books in my spare time" than to staple a copy of Walden to your forehead?-JQPHoly shit dude! Lookout, there's a vampire and a succubus grabbing you at the same time! Oh right.... its just a sensitive art-history major with a thing for musical theater and an Iranian rrrrriotdyke studying "sexuality in modern theistic interpretation." Just another day at Oberlin University. Love,Brett Scieszka

Chris Matthews-San
2008-02-26 18:16:00
If this girl were hanging out at an anime or comic book convention I would find nothing unusual about it at all. But it's pretty apparent she's at a gymnastics event of some sort, which really can mean only one thing- they're finally stepping up efforts to catch that ever elusive brand of toucher: the "once I capture you I won't even molest you I'll just insert your likeness into my online RPG and send you on adventures to lands of yore." Say what you will about normal molestors, but at least there's the solid chance that they'll tire of their prey once they hit there teens. But in the World of Warcraft, time knows no bounds.-JQPI know it makes me sound like a grouchy old man, but living in the future is just too weird. Time was all you needed to get your girl in the mood was some soulful makeout and light petting. Now you need to get pooped on while wearing a wig for things to even get started. Love,Brett Scieszka
More About: Chris , Matthews

Take Don't Ask
2008-02-22 16:50:00
For those of you familiar with Roald Dahl's BFG (Big Friendly Giant), this is an character from the unpublished sequel "BFG's Who Are Really BRG's: Big Friendly Giants Who Are Really Big Rapey Giants."-JQPThis is actually a still from one of Natty's Bollywood videos. In it, Ayesha Ognapangnapour is about to be tossed onto her husband's funeral pyre to be reincarnated as a donkey (shitty in that culture), all because her husband was executed for murder. Its a romantic comedy. Love,Brett Scieszka

Internal Monologue
2008-02-22 16:34:00
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT. You see the faces those two are making? I am going to fucking DO IT to them. Maybe even both. Well maybe not. This shirt is the best investment I've even made. No, I'm totally doing both. Wait, if only one is gonna let me hit it, it's GOTTA be paleface. I'm totally going to hand-pork her. Maybe that will make hottie tubetoppie jealous. YEAHHHH, then I'll be like "peace Powder, it's dickslamming time." Fuck, this shirt rules.-JQPRemember the hottest girl in middle school: the one who grew "large" breasts and had a good figure and you totally had sex with in your mind like seven million times in boring old French class? Walk by a middle school nowadays when it gets out and you'll think to yourself "holy fuck these kids are a bunch of flat chested six year olds." Perspective changes everythingLove,Brett Scieszka
More About: Internal

"MEEOOWW!"
2008-02-21 22:36:00
If there were a god in heaven the picture after this would be that shitty haircut sticking out from under the rear tire of that car. SOMEONE has got to finish what that kids father clearly never started.-JQPObviously this guy didn't invent smoking weed. But I'm going to pretend he did. Love,Brett Scieszka

My hooters are too close, tighten me up!
2008-02-21 22:32:00
When I have to see the parts of my family that I don't know very well, and they see my tattoos and ask about whatever stupid band I'm doing at the time, I'm pretty sure this is the sort of people they assume I hang out with. My parents are well intentioned, and they obviously know I'm not into suspending myself from hooks in my cock and hot rods and vampire porn or whatever, but their grasp on all the stupid bullshit my generation is into isn't good enough to differentiate when they describe my life. I'm pretty into sending them all wedding invitations with this girl and I swinging from some sort of death trapeze. Or I would be if I ever followed through on my various stupid ideas.-JQPCan you believe this goofy human tackle-box custom made that ridiculous shirt so she could show that mess off? I'm guessing she's hanging out at some sort of "convention," also that is the worst tramp-stamp I've ever seen. Seriously. Love,Brett Scieszka
More About: Close

Merry Christmas, Pigpen!
2007-12-20 23:17:00
My 7th grade math teacher had some sort of digestive problem where no matter what he did, his breath smelled like dead rats fucking in a pile of vomit. Because of that, he smelled fucking awful 24/7. We used to leave bars of soap and deodorant on his desk when he was out of the room. That was kind of mean, but it was totally one upped the day we started throwing all his stuff out the third floor window, including a baseball that his dead adopted son gave him. God, kids are such assholes.-JQP
More About: Christmas , Merry Christmas , Merry

Playskools "My First Dumpster Baby"
2007-12-20 23:14:00
You'd think making a kid forage for it's food underneath the couch cushions would keep the thing sickly, but there USED to be a padlock on that bin. Damn superhuman methbabies.-JQP
More About: Baby

Life Ain't Nothin But Bitches and Sims
2007-12-20 23:09:00
Tell ya what man, nothin gets under the old lady's skin more than when me and a bunch of my e-buddies get FUCKIN TANKED and have a Sim-Rager. After about 2 dozen brews, my avatar yakked all over the shitter. She pitched a bitch fit the next morning about how I gotta clean it up and I was all "Later babe, me and the boys are going down to our favorite Sim-Bar, McScallywags, for a little hair o' the dog. I'll see ya when I see ya."-JQP
More About: Life , Bitches , Sims

a day in the park
2007-10-23 22:53:00
This is what magicians call "misdirection" you point away from the real action so that everybody turns their head while your friend the Chinese gargoyle takes a bite out of your nipple.--NattyAsian dudes aren't all that hairy to begin with so when you're trying to score with one of their women its a pretty good idea to take 'em out in the woods and bare your squirrel chest. The combination of masculinity and raw nature will get her so worked up that she'll regress to a feral state of excitement that pretty much guarantees an afternoon of nutso boning. Love, Brett Scieszka
More About: Park

It's getting hot in here...
2007-10-23 22:51:00
The dude on the left is in the larval stage of the metamorphosis process for dudes who start puss-rock bands. He's sprouted the requisite shitbag haircut, but his pupae-esque polo and flip flops have yet to be shed in favor of something more queer. I mean, effeminate. Nature is truly terrifying.-JQP

Shazam!
2007-10-23 22:47:00
This guy is actually a "funk monk" from the future when Clinton/Collins (a.k.a. George and Bootsy) are the rulers of a galactocratic empire. He's counting out how many "hail james browns" he's said on his gold rosary bling.--NattyI honestly hope you never have to run into the ghost of Misshapes past. Whenever some dude decides its a good idea to roll up into the party with face glitter, and a necklace he made out of a bunch of stupid McDonald's toys, this little guy pops up and goes "is that all you've got?"Love,Brett Scieszka

Shag on shag
2007-10-23 22:44:00
In Sir David Attenborough's next installment of his "planet earth" series, he travels to the Atlanta of my imagination and films young fertile nubian females presenting themselves to me in an outrageous display of biology which is so hot and nasty that it could only be called a "mating ritual" in some rude farce of language. It would be far more appropriate to call it "the old hot and nasty."--NattyGirl #1: "Check it, my ASS and my dirty face."Girl #2: "Ooh, you too nasty. Here's my ass in modest profile, but I'm just gonna smile."Girl #3: "INTERCOURSE. UNNNNNHHH."-JQP

Desi Posse
2007-10-23 21:08:00
I've been to India, so I can speak with some authority when i say that Indian kids have ABSOLUTELY no idea how American pop culture works. For them, the devil horns and "east side" fingers are just as similar to one another as Iron Maiden is to Korn, because the first two involve fingers and the second two involve guitars and they all come from America. I was in a packed, hip nightclub in New Delhi once and right after the DJ played 50 cent, he put on "Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds" and everyone went apeshit. It wasn't even a dance mix of the song. He probably could have followed up with "Lime in the Coconut" and had the place shaking.--Natty
More About: Desi