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The Best Proof That We Need To Think More About What We Say
2008-11-24 17:06:00
If you ever stop to just think about how we use language, we're all stupid.Not just because we do things without thinking, like "Anonymous" did in leaving a second comment on my post about The Best Decade For Style. Here's the comment, in its entirety:Wow, the pictures you picked out really do little justice for your "blog". The pic for 1920 is from the 40s, zoot suits got popular at the time. Also how is 1940s fashion boring? Its chic, mysterious, and sophisticated.I can overlook the misuse of "Its" instead of "It's," but what I don't understand is why "blog" is quotation marks. Is there a dispute that this is, in fact, a "blog?"Anyway, misused quotation marks are not the biggest problem facing the world today; the biggest problem facing the world today is misusing other linguistic elements, like sayings. We misuse sayings all the time. Like "hoist on your own petard." Just think how many times you've misused that saying, probably today alone.People still say that, right?...
More About: Proof

Way many times more durable.
2008-11-20 20:14:00
My wedding ring is 30 times as valuable as Sweetie's. I like to think that's because I'm 30 times as valuable to the marriage as Sweetie is, although Sweetie would probably say that the real math is that I am 30 times as much trouble to her as the average person.The 30-times-more-valuable comes from this: My wedding ring is mostly platinum. Sweetie's wedding ring is mostly gold. Platinum is 30 times more rare than gold -- so fewer people have it, so it's more valuable, and more unique. And better looking, too.The platinum wedding ring I have is even better for me because it's more durable and more resistant than gold; it can go through the kind of demanding, tough wear-and-tear that it faces being worn on the ring of a lawyer/writer. And that, my friend, is a lot of wear and tear.When you say "durable and resistant," you ordinarily think "ugly like work boots or Mick Jagger," but that's not the case with my ring, either -- it's shiny and bright and polished, as new-lo...
More About: Times , Durable

The Best Title Character From A Beatles Song To Have Lunch With
2008-11-20 16:39:00
Two things combined this week to get me thinking about today's nomination. First, I learned that there really was an "Eleanor Rigby," who may not have picked up the rice in the church where a wedding was, but who did do some cleaning, as a scullery maid.The proof that Eleanor Rigby actually existed also proved the existence, yet again, of the "X Market," a term I coined to describe a market in which cornflakes have significant value and, apparently, in which people will likely pay as much as $1.5 million to own a piece of paper on which is written "E. Rigby," and which was owned by Paul McCartney.Why? I don't know. I don't know why there is a market, at all, for this receipt:I suppose I glad that there is a market for it and that some idiot with too much money is going to pay $1.5 million for it and that the $1.5 million will go for charity, but it still befuddles and depresses me a little that we live in a world in which it can be claimed that there is an economic crisis on ...
More About: Lunch , Song , Character , Beatles , Title

Since I gave him some information, he should give me a discount, right?
2008-11-17 16:33:00
Talking to my mechanic the other day as we test drove a car I might by, I asked him which cars he hates to see come in the door, just would rather not fix. He answered unhestitatingly: "Old cars." We agreed on that, and then he added "Foreign cars" because of the difficulty in getting parts for them, making repairs take longer and be more expensive.So I told him about SwedishParts.net, an online site that lets you get Saab Parts easily and quickly and cheaply. I'm no mechanic, but the site makes me not have to be. They've got parts for Volvos and Saabs and if you spend more than $50 you'll get free shipping on either the day you order them or at the latest the very next day. They even guarantee the lowest prices.With that information, he'll be a better mechanic -- and you can either get your parts online and take them to your mechanic, or, if you're handy, you can get them and put them in yourself. But whoever's installing them, get them from SwedishPart.net-- reliable,...
More About: Information , Give , Discount

The Best Talent That I Wish I Had To Make Me The Life Of The Party.
2008-11-17 15:31:00
Just because you grow up and get married and become a wildly successful lawyer/blogger/Guy-Who-Plays-Games-With-H is-Kids-That-Are-All-Essentially-The-Same -Game does not mean that you have given up on trying to be the life of the party, even if, like me, you don't especially want to go to parties or even want to be around people all that much.There are only two ways to be the life of the party, of course. One is to be amazingly hot. That will never go out of style. If you are Tom Selleck or Jennifer Aniston or Xena then you are the life of the party. That route, though, is a tough road to pick if you were born not Xena or not Tom Selleck, and an even tougher route to take if you cut your own hair. Although that's not as hard to do as it sounds, and it can look pretty good. Or am I just kidding myself?The other route is to have a talent that will wow partygoers, and my life has in a sense been a quest to develop just such a talent. Given that I don't especially like parties, ...
More About: Life , Party , Make , Talent , The Party

The Best Song That Begins With A Radio Tuning In.
2008-11-03 21:22:00
Does anyone even tune a radio anymore?Does anyone even listen to the radio anymore?I'm not sure of these things. Just as I'm not sure whether it was illegal for me, back in the way-way olden days (before 2002), to tape songs off the radio while I was sitting around doing homework and/or generally wasting my twenties. Was it? I mean, if I can't download songs off the Internet just because someone put them on a website, was it legal to tape-record songs off the radio? I used to, when I'd do my homework during law school, put in whatever mix-tape I was working on making, and I'd have the "Record" and "Play" Buttons pre-pressed, with "Pause" hit, and then when I heard a song I liked, I'd hit the "Pause" button and record the song -- stretching my music dollar, because I liked music but I had no money to always buy music.To all the bands that were hoping, during those days, that they would hit it big because their music was on the radio and that would lead their fans to buy the...
More About: Radio , Song , Tuning

So long, squirrels.
2008-11-03 15:25:00
I like to see the wild birds around our house, and we used to see a lot of them with the birdfeeder we had right outside the kitchen. It's the one that came with the house we bought, a little wooden birdfeeder shaped like a house itself.We don't get so many birds anymore, though, since the squirrels discovered our feeder and chewed a giant hole in the top of it, so that now there's this house that looks like a meteor crashed through it and the whole thing leans precariously, plus if we fill it with bird seed the squirrels mob it and scare away the birds.The birdfeeder I'd like is the one shown here-- stylish, hard for the squirrels to wreck or get into, and easy to clean or fill.It's available -- this birdfeeder and others -- on Birdfeeders.com, which is sort of a one-stop shop for all your (or my) birdfeeder-related needs. They've got the one I like, they've got your choice ofsquirrel-proof bird feeder and other kinds of feeders, and all sorts of accessories, too.I can onl...
More About: Squirrels , Long

Stories! There are Stories!
2008-11-03 15:22:00
You may be so wrapped up in reading "The Best of Everything" that you miss out on the other great stuff I'm writing...... great stuff like the new story that's underway over on AfterDark: The Scariest Things, You Can't Imagine... Father Albert has a tiny smidge of a problem at his church -- there are ghosts. A few at first, then more and more and more. He wants to help them, but all they do is howl and show him Hell fire in Ghosts! There Are Ghosts!And Rachel has her own problems, what with the fact that she's on the run from Reverend Tommy and there are people after her and she accidentally keeps going to Hell where her friend Bob The Revenant was killed and there's a sexy Valkyrie trying to mess things up between Rachel and her girlfriend Brigitte... It all makes sense if you read Lesbian Zombies Are Taking Over The World!
More About: Stories

The Babies! also hated that old sweatshirt I had, the one Sweetie never lik
2008-11-03 13:27:00
As all of you know, I recently was told to try out reading glasses to see if it would help the headaches I get at the end of the day. "To much reading on the computer," my doctor told me, so I went the economy route, going up to the drugstore and picking up a pair of reading glasses that looked like Rays' Manager Joe Maddon's. The experiment didn't last long; when Mr F saw the glasses, he burst into tears -- everytime. And on day three of Glasses Era, Mr Bunches took them and snapped them in half.I think the problem was that they weren't stylish enough -- but I didn't want to spend hundreds of dollars getting a pair of reading glasses; and now, I realize I don't have to because ZenniOptical can get me stylish, trendy, cool glasses for $8.ZenniOptical is the online glasses retailer that leads the market in providing PRESCRIPTION eyeglasses at affordable prices; eyesight may be priceless but glasses don't need to be, and ZenniOptical knows that. That's why they're taking ...
More About: Babies

October Was Book Month
2008-10-31 16:02:00
October is (WAS) Book Month !Monday will see some new Bests here, but for now, let's take a last look at the books and book-related Bests...The Best Book That Never Existed (But Should) The Best Secondary Character In A Book.The Best Book I Want To Re-Read Over And Over Again! The Best Book To Teach Kids That Monsters, and Books, Are Nothing To Be Afraid Of.The Best Book To Read If You Were A Kid Who Pretended To Be A Superhero.The Best Song That Is About Writing, or Being In, A Book.The Best Book That I Think of When I Think of The Words "The Best Book."The Best Author I Have Exactly 39 Reasons For LikingThe Best Book That Really Was Scary. Click here to see all the other topics I?ve ever discussed!Team Dad:Team DadbybrianefpGet this custom shirtat ZazzleThinking The Lions is Life, only funnier. Ever try to find your way around Illinois using a high-school play as a reference? Ever wonder what "squid chili" has to do with romance? Ever think maybe those velociraptors weren't re...
More About: October

The Best Book To Read If You Were A Kid Who Pretended To Be A Superhero.
2008-10-07 15:40:00
You know, if you saw a guy my age -- 39 and 5/6 -- on the subway, watching "Spider-Man" on his iPod, you'd probably think nothing of it.If you saw that same guy my age on the subway reading a Spider-Man comic, the odds are you would find that... questionable. Oh, heck, let's just say it: You'd think he's a loser.Why is that? Why are comic books considered to be unacceptable for grown-ups but movies are considered to be okay? And what do you do if you're an adult and you like superheroes and comics but you don't want people to look down on you for always reading Groo the Wanderer?You read Soon I Will Be Invincible, that's what you do. Soon I Will Be Invincible by Austin Grossman is a book for people who loved and love comics but want to expand their horizons.I grew up loving comic books; comic books were one of my introductions to the world of reading. As a young kid, I was given comic books by my uncles, who were only a little older than I was, and I read them and read ...
More About: Book , Read , Superhero

She's your adolescent dream, school-boy stuff...
2008-09-12 20:35:00
Welcome to The Best Of Everything!New today: I bet you didn't know the Internet could be used for this: I expand the boundaries of the Internet while determining which is The Best Song From The One/Two Hit Wonder "The Kings" First Single!And, I had a little time on my hands (what else is new?) so I took A Closer Look At... The Best Song That Barely Exists -- and found the shortest songs ever to hit the top 40! (Hint: One is by this guy>>>>>>) Showdown September is here all month.Previous showdowns:The Best Show Andy Richter Starred In That Also Had ?Andy? In The TitleThe Best Man To Claim a World Record In Donkey Kong?The Best Song That Talks About Whether The Singer Of The Song Feels Like Dancing Or Not TheBest of Two Freaky Cults Trying to Sell You SomethingThe Best Celebrity Who Remains Unspeakably Cool No Matter What He Does.
More About: School , Stuff , Dream

First they get Harry Potter, then they get this? Lucky!
2008-09-12 20:26:00
In the United States, if you can't pay your debts, you've got very few options: Bankruptcy is one. Debt consolidation is another. Getting hounded by debt collectors calling you night and day and making your life miserable is the third (although nobody picks that one voluntarily.)They're more civilized in the UK, where difficulty paying bills doesn't mean financial ruin and torment by people making $7.17 per hour. In Great Britain, a debtor who's going through some troubles can enter into an IVA-- that's short for an "Individual Voluntary Arrangement," a neat system where a licensed insolvency practitioner works out a proposal to pay your debts over 3-5 years; upon agreement by 3/4 of your creditors, everything is frozen (no extra interest and the like) and you pay the debts off, lots of times with a discount.There are still other options in the UK -- but I like the idea of an IVA.Whatever options you're considering, if you want help with debt problems and you live in Engl...
More About: Harry Potter , Potter , Lucky , Harry

The Best Song From The One/Two Hit Wonder "The Kings" First Single.
2008-09-12 17:09:00
Like everyone, I mostly use the Internet to find philosophical discussions of existentialism, ruminations on the unreliable narrator, or at the least, ponderous articles on the meaning of life and the laws of thermodynamics. That's why The Best of Everything features those kinds of things so often: give the people what they want, that's my motto.But today, I'm going to do something a little different. I'm going to expose you Internet viewers to a couple of things that, as it turns out, the Internet can be used for: Music, and bikinis.The music is today's Showdown, as I will determine for you which is The Best Song From The One/Two Hit Wonder "The Kings " First Single . Way, way back when -- even before the Olden Days (2002) -- music did not come in the form of electrons; it came in the form of plastic discs that we called "records," bought in "record stores." The "records" had a limited area in which to store the music; the music was encoded onto the record in "grooves." W...

Soccer moms? Vegetables? Oh, well: TGIF!
2008-09-12 17:01:00
It's another video from The Sproutwells-- I love these things. They really... GROW ... on me. Ha! Ha!We've had a lot of fun here today, kids, but you know what's not funny? Making fun of soccer moms. Soccer moms play a vital role in our society; soccer leagues now account for 98% of the gross domestic product, and soccer moms keep those leagues humming.Sweetie was going to be a soccer mom, but we nixed that idea after the time she took the Babies! to the park and then accidentally locked Mr Bunches in the car while she and Mr F were outside... while they weren't hurt at all, it did require me to heroically drive there with my spare set of keys, only to find that she'd already gotten him free with the help of a friendly police officer.So the point of my story is... you should definitely go to freshfunds today and sign up; all you have to do is sign up on their site, then keep buying the healthy foods that you're already buying, for which you'll get points -- like, say, buy...
More About: Vegetables , Moms

Elsewhere...
2008-09-12 16:54:00
Are you keeping up with the other stuff I write? Make sure you do.Every week, I post my picks for NFL games -- but that's the only thing Nonsportsmanlike Conduct! has in common with other sports sites. Check it out, even if you don't like sports.AfterDark features the world's best short horror stories. Up right now: "Temporary Anne: Famished." The return of your favorite... vampire? What is she? Whatever she is -- she's serving Mephistopheles and she's hungry.Thinking The Lions is Life, only funnier -- it's funnier because I spend my time proving that pepperoni pizza is eaten only by 12-year-olds.Rachel's trying to escape Reverend Tommy in Chicago -- but the God of Living People Only is helping Reverend Tommy, over on the web novel "Lesbian Zombies Are Taking Over The World!"And, last but not least, it's the only internet site that has pictures of Babies! and Pets!-- it's Babies! Babies! Pets! Pets!

Coming this year to my house: A multimedia extravaganza of pictures and vid
2008-09-12 16:42:00
I'm not embarrassed to admit that I don't really know how to do very much with all the digital stuff I've got. I've got a laptop, a digital camera with video and still pictures, and an iPod... and I'm not really able to integrate it much. I can listen to music. I can look at pictures or videos. I can surf the Internet.But create videos or slideshows with music set to them and post it online? Beyond me. At least, beyond me before I learned about the Roxio Extreme Digital Makeover.Roxio Extreme Digital Makeover is a show in which specialists from Roxio go out and help ordinary people make the most of their digital tools. Ordinary people like me, or like Michael and Monika, who were featured in "Wedding Day Crunch," one of the videos you can see on the site -- Roxio helps them make a multimedia show about their lives to play at their wedding, and it's really cool. Of the two videos they've got up, I liked this one better, for two reasons. First, it gave me cool ideas to u...
More About: Pictures , House , Multimedia , Year

I only want to say, that if there is a way...
2008-09-12 15:58:00
Two years ago almost to the day, Mateo and McHale Shaw were separated and given a 5% chance to live. They're still going strong, and so are their parents, who are raising these guys and helping build a handicapped-accessible playground. Want to be 1/100 the person they are? Then help Mateo and McHale! The Wonder Twins are medical miracles, but they can't do everything. Find out more about them, and how to help them with their medical bills, by clicking this link.

Google has not yet indexed Earth-Shazam.
2008-09-12 15:48:00
If you're looking for a business in your area, what do you do? In the olden days (2002) you would probably have gotten out the moldy phone book that you kept under the sink by the Comet cleansing powder. See how old-fashioned that was? "Cleansing powder?" Come on!Nowadays (2008) you probably Google it -- but that's not great, either. While you don't get cleansing powder all over you (depending on just how messy your computer area is; maybe you keep your computer under the sink, too) you also don't get great results, because Google has results from not just your city, or country, but from the entire world. For all I know, Google now includes results from OTHER universes, too. No, the best possible way to find a business in your area is by using the Clicksmart directory. Clicksmart lets you find specific kinds of businesses in your area. Say you're looking for Greensboro Realtors or Realtors in Raleigh; all you do is go to Clicksmart, enter your zip code and city or state...
More About: Earth

A Closer Look At... The Best Song That Barely Exists.
2008-09-12 15:28:00
Did you know that there's a machine that can tell what music you like? It's true. I can't explain all the science of it, but there's a program that analyzes music and determined that hit songs all fall into one of six groups and moreover, determined that if a song you like doesn't fall into one of those six groups, it's not likely to be a hit, ever in the world.Tough break, iconoclastic musicians who want to change the world with your sound. You may appeal to 3 or 4 people in the Bay Area, but that's about it for you.See, I'm thinking about music today, because I was listening on the way into work to "The Best Song That Barely Exists," that song being I Am Not Your Broom, and that got me wondering. What, I wondered was the shortest song to ever make the top 40?So I checked it out, because if the lawyering thing doesn't work out, and the writing thing never pans out, then eventually I'm going to move onto my third career option, that of Guiness World-Record Confirmer, s...
More About: Closer

Is this about typing, or public records? You decide!
2008-09-12 13:45:00
Finding out everything about everyone keeps getting easier, and you don't even have to be Dick Cheney to do it. Now, anyone with a computer and the ability to type can do an onlinepublic records search at Public Records Database; and typing actually is optional, since you can do that hunt-and-peck maneuver. But please don't; learn to type, for crying out loud -- this is 2008, and everybody needs to use computers, which means you need to know how to type. I remember, back in law school, my roommate used to hunt-and-peck to do assignments, and I'd hear him in his room, clicking on one letter every 30 seconds or so, and it drove me nuts! Nuts! Eventually I'd get up and offer to type it for him if he'd just stop clicking like that, and he'd let me and then I'd say "You have to learn how to type" and...Hey, I just now realized why it was he did that. That jerk! I'm going to get him for using me like that. And I can find him, track him down -- by using the Public Records D...
More About: Typing

A man walks down the street he says why am soft in the middle?
2008-09-12 01:42:00
Welcome to The Best Of Everything!New today: Who controls the universe? Besides me, I mean? Andy Richter -- who also shows us why Sweetie's Second Banana Theory is correct in The Best Show Andy Richter Starred in That Also Had "Andy" in The Title. Showdown September is here all month.Previously posted showdowns:Who's The Best Man To Claim a World Record In Donkey Kong? I'll tell you, and I'll also reveal who coined the phrase "Americans would rather believe something than know something."And also:The Best Song That Talks About Whether The Singer Of The Song Feels Like Dancing Or Not TheBest of Two Freaky Cults Trying to Sell You SomethingThe Best Celebrity Who Remains Unspeakably Cool No Matter What He Does.
More About: Street , Middle , Soft , Walks

Online Divorce Records... At last.
2008-09-12 01:38:00
The other day I mentioned the ease with which one can now look up marriage records; well, the flip side of that just got easier, too: now, you can get online access to Divorce Records through the Government Registry of Public Records. Quick, easy, cheap -- not much cost for most records -- and online, so no more rooting around in clerk's offices at courthouses, no having to locate things in foreign states. Just go to the site, type in the information, and find out what you want to know.
More About: Online

And it makes a fiery ring
2008-09-12 00:29:00
Do you read Nonsportsmanlike Conduct!? You should -- it's the sports blog for people who love sports, but hate sports blogs. Heck, even if you don't like sports, you should read it; it's written by me, and I'm not some jock or sports nut; I just like sports and like to think about the things in sports that other people don't. Things like "O-for-Everything," and "The Olympic Waldo" and how the Apocalypse might relate to a football game. You know -- the usual stuff.
More About: Ring

Kanye on your phonye.
2008-09-12 00:26:00
Everybody loves Kanye West, and everybody loves ringtones, so a website featuring nothing but Kanye West Ringtones is a dream come true -- and that website is finally here -- thanks to www.kanyewestringtone.net -- which that link takes you to.They've got, from what I can tell, every major Kanye West hit as a ringtone -- even Gold Digger-- and you can preview them before you buy, which just makes good sense. So update your ringtone now!

The Best Show Andy Richter Starred In That Also Had "Andy" In The Title.
2008-09-11 15:23:00
It's another Show down September nomination!Are you a star? Or a second banana? Are you Ed, or Johnny? Mick, or Keith? Bert, or Ernie? Chocolate, or peanut butter?I'm thinking about this because I'm thinking about Andy Richter 's two TV shows, the two shows he was the star of, both of which I thought were great, and both of which failed miserably, as so many shows I thought were great end up doing.I thought they failed miserably because I liked them, and I like mostly weird, offbeat, indie type of stuff; very rarely do my likes make it into the mainstream (and when they do, I kind of resent them.) That's not a pleasant thought -- not pleasant because it means that I'm still sitting on the sidelines of life, watching everyone else play the game and not quite understanding the rules-- so in the great game of Red Rover that is this existence, I'll never be told to come over come over. And also not pleasant because it means that I don't dare like anything that I really like...
More About: Title

My life used to be pretty exciting; now it's just pretty convenient.
2008-09-11 15:16:00
In my "real job," where I "work," as a "practicing lawyer," I occasionally take a break from blogging and watching "Herman's Head" reruns online and "practice law." Part of what I do is collections and family law work, which means I'm always in the process of trying to find out about people's pasts, sometimes when they would rather that I didn't.That doesn't require investigators, bribes, and guns, like it did in the old days (2002). Instead, it just requires a computer and the Government Registry of Divorce records, which has easy and pretty-much-instantaneous online access to things like Texas Divorce Records -- or divorce records from any other state. It's just a quick search, and a nominal fee for some information, and I've got the information I need.So, less exciting -- but more convenient. Life 's a trade-off.
More About: My Life , Pretty

Coming up...
2008-08-25 02:32:00
A new Best will appear here Monday...and get primed for SHOWDOWN SEPTEMBER!!!! Only on The Best of Everything!

Also, don't live in MY home.
2008-08-25 02:26:00
We were driving around a couple of neighborhoods tonight, just enjoying ice cream cones and looking at some of the fancy houses down by the lake.They were all very nice, of course, and very expensive, I'm sure, and very very not houses that we would want to own, because they are old and they weren't ours.Why buy someone else's house? Why buy a used house? A house is the biggest investment you'll ever make, both financially and emotionally. It's your home. It's where all of your really significant memories will occur: family dinners and Christmases and your Babies! walking for the first time, talking for the first time, hitting a baseball through the dining room window for the first time...Well, that will be something you'll remember.So do you want all of those things to happen in someone else's house? An old broken-down used house? No. You want them to happen in your house, the one you picked out and built and planned yourself.You can have that now, by getting one of...
More About: Home , Live

The Scariest Things, You CAN'T Imagine.
2008-08-25 01:15:00
I am a master of the modern horror story. It's not just me that thinks so; true, I do think so. But lots of other people think so. People like the readers of AfterDark: a site that is home to serialized short horror stories, the scariest ones you'll read anywhere.And people like the good publishers at Graveside Tales, who have selected my never-before-seen story, Don't Eat My Face to appear in their Halloween Anthology, "Harvest Hill."So mark October on your calendar, horror fans, and be ready to rush out and buy "Harvest Hill" for my and other great stories. Or order it through Graveside Tales' website. And then kill the time from now until then by catching up on my other great horror stories on AfterDark: The Scariest Things , You CAN'T Imagine .