College For Idiots

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Headed Home
2007-07-22 15:27:00
Well after that debacle of a weekend it was a nice relief to be going home for Fall Break. I was leaving on Thursday instead of waiting till Friday after classes or Saturday with The Bitch. We were planning on going to the NC. State football game against our school. I was going to ride home with The Bitch on Thursday and then watch the game that night. The next day my mom was going to drive the two hours and come pick me up at The Bitch?s house. Wednesday night I watched the intramurals tennis finals. Curly was not able to play in them because he was still recovering from his flag football leg injury. After the game ended I said goodbye to him and told him I would call when I got home on Friday. Thursday we made the drive to Raleigh, North Carolina. When we got there we only had a few minutes to change at her house before Slave arrived and we left for the football game, her parents were coming as well. I honestly don?t know why her dad was coming he obviously hated...
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Oh dear. . .
2007-07-21 16:14:00
Another uneventful week at school passed. The Bitch arrived home, as usual, upset that she had to leave her love dumpling at home (gag me please). I went to class, made sure I saw Curly several times, and went about my normal evening routine: dinner with The Bitch then on to watch tennis practice and the gym. The coming weekend was my first football game with Curly and of course his roommate Big Head (they were attached at the hip). The Friday night before Big Rear had actually decided to hang out with her boyfriend so he spent the night. Since, she did not want to subject Number Four to their animal sex she and Muscley Man Boobs slept on the pull out couch. The Saturday of the game we got up early since it was scheduled for noon. After we finished showering and were ready to leave The Bitch headed out into the kitchen to get some food and I called Curly to tell him we would be leaving in five. Then I heard a scream and The Bitch came running into our room and slamme...
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Getting to know his friends. . .
2007-07-20 16:17:00
So, the double date/our first official nice date ended well. Afterwards we headed to his apartment with New Jersey and Curly?s Friend. At the apartment we decided to hang out and drink/play video games. Big Head (Curly?s roommate) and then the couple (Big Head?s sister and her fiancé) were there as well. We sat down and began to get progressively drunker while playing some Mario bored game on X Box. While we were playing the game Curly?s Friend told me she thought I was a Bitch because of the text messages I had sent him the week before. That was understandable I was being an irrational bitch. However, she did say that she liked me now that she had actually met me which I was happy about. I wanted Curly?s friends to like me. Several hours and drinks later New Jersey and Curly?s Friend headed out. She had spent a few minutes on the outside balcony talking on the phone while I got more flirty with Curly and started to hang all over him. I had decided at this point I...
More About: Friends , General , Ends

Things I have learned. . .
2007-07-19 19:35:00
The first few weeks of school I unknowingly compiled a list a few things that are best to avoid when you first enter college. It took me several months and a bout of depression to finally figure out what I needed to know. 1. Overflow housing blows. Live in a dorm room at all costs your first semester. I know there are horror stories but not many. You do not have to be best friends with your roommate and sometimes it is better if you aren?t. However, living in a dorm room provides you with the full college experience. Tour groups don?t come into your apartment but they do come into your dorm room. This allows you to stand in the doorway and watch as parents are forced to step over the half clothed passed out girl who locked herself out of her bedroom. Or maybe the guy who is still drunk at 10 in the morning and peeing in the hallway. 2. Guys do not fix everything. Now I know this one is a shocker. Even the nicest guy can tell you fifty times that you are pretty but unt...
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Meeting People
2007-07-19 16:25:00
So, after standing in line at getting sunburned while waiting for football tickets we went and ate dinner and headed back to the apartment. At the apartment The Bitch decided to find a picture of Curly?s ex girlfriend on facebook and make sure I knew what she looked like. Eventually she found a picture of her and she made examined it explaining to me everything that was wrong with the girl. I thought she was pretty and he didn?t really talk to her so whatever. Of course, I am a rather insecure person so I naturally felt some uneasiness about her. Especially with The Bitch drilling into my mind the exes were bad news. Something I was not used to dealing with because of my lack of previous relationships. The next day The Bitch informed me that she was once again going home for the weekend since there wasn?t a home football game until next week. Alright well at least that meant I wouldn?t be forced to clean because her boyfriend was visiting. That day Curly decided that...
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Um, okay . . .
2007-07-18 20:47:00
Eventually The Bitch calmed down and started to talk to me and ask me about my weekend. Okay so this was weird, whatever. I decided the best thing to do was go along with it and I did. Once I told her about my weekend and what happened when I spent the night with Curly she promptly asked me if I had spoken to him yet. I told her I had not since that morning. She then informed me that he was moving to quickly with me and was just using me. So, then she told me it would be okay since I was visibly upset and she decided that we were going to the grocery store to buy ice cream. On the ride over I called Curly and told him that I thought things were moving to fast and that we should just be friends. Yes, this was a bright plan tell a guy that I really liked I just wanted to be friends because that is what The Bitch advised me to do. He called me back several times while we were in the grocery store and I refused to answer his call. I am the epitome of maturity. Finally we ...
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And she starts to go Crazy. . .
2007-07-17 17:06:00
While I was watching the movie with Curly I was nervous as usual. Even if he poked me on the shoulder it would send a chill up my spine. Obviously I liked him more than a lot. After the movie was over we kissed. However, it was really awkward because he was lying in my lap and I was sitting up. Somehow we got it to work though. Several minutes later we realized making out in the living room was probably not the best choice since he did have roommates. Instead we moved to his bedroom, yes we were very classy. Walking to the room was rather difficult though because he kept trying to make out. Since he was semi intoxicated from the pain killers as well there was a lot of tripping. Eventually we go to his room injury free. Around two o?clock in the morning I decided against going home his apartment was more entertaining. That was a very very bad idea. The next morning we woke up and after a few hours I told him I needed to go home (no, we did not have sex you perverts...
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The First Fight (It was my fault)
2007-07-16 17:20:00
The weekend was coming up once again so that meant I would get to hang out with Curly for more than an hour at a time. That Friday he decided to throw a party at his apartment and I was invited. I waited for him to call me since I didn?t have a car to get over to his place. Later that night while I was getting ready he called to tell me that he had invited Tennis Girl and he wanted to know if that was okay. Well, personally I did not feel that that was okay so I told him that. However, this did not change his mind. So, I told him I wasn?t really sure that I wanted to come over cause she would basically ruin my time (yes, I was acting like a baby but I didn?t like her). Also The Bitch was encouraging me not to go because I shouldn?t have to hang out with Tennis Girl and Curly was being a jerk by inviting her. Basically The Bitch was fueling my annoyance at the moment. So, after I talked to him online for awhile I told him I basically did not want to go to his party an...
More About: General , Fight , Fault

Super Happy Me!
2007-07-15 21:49:00
My memories of the next few day consisted entirely of my classes and Curly. My roommate situation continued to quickly go downhill but I was basically oblivious to it at the time. The next Tuesday, Curly (who was currently a gimp from the injury), called me and asked me to go out to dinner with him. It was perfect timing to because I had no one to eat dinner with that night The Bitch?s parents were still in town for the prolonged parent?s weekend and she was with them. I dashed around getting ready while I spoke on the phone with my best friend from fifth grade telling her all about Curly, another giddy reaction that most thirteen year old girls would have. The outfit I chose to wear was probably a rather bad idea. A homemade tie day t-shirt with black capris and sort of unattractive flats that I have to say I love, not matter how ugly. So, he picked me up and we were on our first official date. We went to our college?s so-called downtown that was one street long. T...
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My Distraction from the Hurricane
2007-07-14 17:04:00
The apartment tour was an interesting event. I didn?t really have much say in it since apparently I had no choice but to move with The Bitch. Whatever for the time being I was going to ignore the fact that my roommate wanted to move out of our place. Also I was still insanely giddy from the kiss with Curly. He liked me, he really liked me. Of course, later that Sunday I called my best friend from back home and made sure she knew every detail about the previous night. Sometime late that afternoon I passed out on my bed for a couple of hours only to be awoken around dinner by a text message from Jean Shorts (my stalker asking my what I was doing). I ignored it and a few minutes later he called my phone. I also refused to acknowledge this form of communication. Then I got another text message, oh dear lord him again, or so I thought. To my excitement the text message was from Curly, he wanted to know my AIM screen name. I replied to his message and then quickly signe...
More About: General , Distraction , Cane , Trac , Hurricane

The Beginning
2007-07-13 22:27:00
You may be wondering why I have titled this the beginning since I have already been in college for over a month. Well, there is a very good reason for that. This was the beginning of the hurricane that I will name Roommates 05?. Yes, the Gulf had just been hit by Katrina, but currently in our little college town a hurricane was slowly starting to form over the muck pit that was our apartment. Now granted the main part of the storm wouldn?t hit for awhile but it was creeping closer. That Sunday morning shortly after the giggling fit ended in my room The Bitch made her way to the bathroom (the only safe area in the house from the weirdo?s) and informed me we were going apartment shopping. Um, okay I thought we had a year contract to live on campus. I mentioned this to her and she explained to me that she would just sweet talk the housing department into allowing us out of the contract. I guess the living situation was pretty unbearable. I mean she was a decent roommate (o...
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Yay! A boy likes me!
2007-07-12 23:24:00
So, my weekend had gone surprisingly well. Yay, for me. Now I just had to be awake and semi functioning in an hour to go eat breakfast with my parents. First things first, I needed to shower badly. Maybe a shower would help me feel less like walking death. Apparently the freezing shower did not actually make me feel any better. Oh well, I could suffer through a breakfast with my parents assuming I didn?t blow my guts all over them. I guess getting one hour of sleep having been drunk the night before was not the best plan. A little while later I made it too the restaurant with my parents and I had yet to throw up. I felt so accomplished. Next step; eat breakfast without puking. While we went through buffet line I made small talk with my parents about the night before. I felt that it was unnecessary to inform them of my most recent actions. I mean what dad wants to hear how his daughter invited a guy over, got drunk, and then kissed him (mind you at the time of the ...
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Oooooh, boys: Part III
2007-07-11 18:21:00
Okay so as of now I was waiting nervously for Curly to show up to my apartment. Currently there were about fifteen people at the apartment; they were Big Rear?s friends. I was sitting in the bathroom attempting to hide the horrible sticker tan I had received on my face. While I was smearing makeup on my face The Bitch provided me with some cheap wine (Puckers). After one glass I was officially drunk since I am the worst light weight ever. Around thirty minutes later Curly and New Jersey showed up and I was borderline trashed. Oh well, at least now I wouldn't act as nervous around him. After they sat down I conveniently placed my self next too Curly and let the awkward flirting begin. I don?t exactly remember what I said but I do remember the statement one of Big Rear?s friend made: ?You two would make pretty babies.? She was referring to Curly and me. Then I proceeded to explain to him how I dislike Tennis Girl because she talked too much about herself. Afterward...
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Oooooh, boys: Part II
2007-07-10 18:06:00
When I woke up that Saturday morning disturbed as usual. The Bitch and Slave had spent another night smashed in a twin bed together. During the night I listened to several tickle fights and the constant: ?I love you. No I love you more. No I love you more. No I . . . shut the fuck up I?m trying to sleep.? I dragged my exhausted self to the shower and removed the eight pounds of hair from the drain before I bathed. Then I tried to find a place to put my shampoo bottles so they weren?t touching the hair covered toiletries of my other roommates. After the shower I got ready for the game. I put on every orange piece of clothing I could find. I also made the mistake of putting a sticker on my face to represent my school. I then walked the three miles in the heat to meet my parents and head to the game. Once I met up with them I walked around for a few minutes and then we made our way to the upper deck to the nosebleed seats. An hour or so into the game and I had alread...
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Oooooh, boys: Part I
2007-07-09 22:27:00
Another week of school began and continued as usual. The Bitch?s boyfriend had his fall break so he was coming down on Thursday to stay with us for several days. I went about classes as normal and attempted to introduce myself to some more people. During this time my stalker (Jean Shorts) had began to become more involved. At this point I decided going to lunch with him wouldn?t be an utterly horrible idea since we were English partners. Well, little did I know this was a very bad idea. After our lunch meeting I began to receive several calls, texts, and facebook messages. Oh joy, my first official stalker in college. Whatever eventually it would run its course and he would decide I wasn?t in love with him like he thought. (Yea right) Sometime during that week I decided to keep my guy options open since Curly wasn?t working out in my favor and New Jersey was about five years older. I started talking to a few of the guys in my English class to see how things were goin...
More About: General , Part , Boys

Relationship Advice
2007-07-09 04:46:00
So, here is my advice from someone who has had some relationship problems. I don't take my own advice and I should. However, since I don't I figure maybe someone else will. 1. Apparently my biggest relationship fall back is constantly worrying that I am going to lose the guy I'm with at the time. Don't do that. It stresses you out; it stresses your girlfriend/boyfriend out, and most of all it stresses your relationship out. 2. Always tell your partner what is bothering you. Don?t listen to anyone that tells you to talk to them and not your partner. You need to tell them when you have a problem. If you value your relationship and you want it to last don?t hide anything. The rough patches and the small problems are what makes it better in the long run. 3. Fight. Yes, the fight might have seemed pointless and you may not have had a legitimate reason to fight but for some reason ...
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The Weekend at the Asylum: Part III
2007-07-08 19:06:00
When I woke up that day I was really excited. It was Sunday that meant I would get to go back to school. I mean yes my roommates were relatively unstable but in comparison to The Bitches family they were the picture of sanity. The only problem was that we weren?t going to leave anytime soon. The Bitch needed more time to spend with her boyfriend and get some more horrifying attention from her insane family. Several hours later we left and headed back to school. The car ride home was interesting to say the least. She told me about all the guys she had slept with and how she now knew that the Slave was the right guy for her. I would have never guessed that she had slept with that many people. No big deal now I had someone to go to for advice. During the ride home we talked about low self-esteem and how that caused her a lot of mistakes. It was nice. Yes, she was beyond bizarre and sometimes pretty mean and self-centered; but she had her nice aspects too. She was jus...
More About: General , Weekend , Part , The Asylum , The A

The Weekend at the Asylum: Part II
2007-07-07 15:02:00
The first night at The Bitch?s house I slept in her bed and she and the slave slept on a blow up mattress in the sitting room. The next day I woke up and sat in the bed for several hours. I was afraid to go in the other room because I feared walking in on them having sex. If I did that I would then have to gouge out my eyes. Which would have sucked because I liked my eyes and being blind doesn?t sound very fun. Finally I heard one of them go to the bathroom so I excited. The Slave then informed me that The Bitch was sick. I went downstairs with him and she was in her parents study trying to find the phone number of a Doctor. While she looked for the number the Slave and I went and made breakfast. Eventually her mother stumbled in the kitchen. After The Bitch and her hung over mom found a Doctor opened on Saturday they came and ate breakfast with us. During breakfast one of the dogs humped the Slaves leg the entire time. Shortly after that the Slave drove the The Bitc...
More About: General , Weekend , Part , The Asylum , The A

The Weekend at the Asylum: Part I
2007-07-06 21:32:00
Shortly after classes ended on Friday The Bitch and I left to make the five hour trip to her home in Bumfuck, North Carolina. The ride wasn?t that bad. I listened to perhaps the strangest CD mix I have ever heard in my entire life. Hard core Rap that discussed insertion into people?s poop holes and really lovely dovey country songs. We got to her house around nine that night. The house was interesting, not as large as I would have thought. There was however a large garage attached to the house that was built for the sole purpose of covering their RV. Surrounding the house were dozens of cotton fields and hardly any neighbors. The only other people that lived there were in two trailers across the street from their property. Once at the house Slave arrived. Obviously they hadn?t seen each other in two weeks so they insisted on making out in front of me, oh joy. Her parents and the dogs came out a few seconds later to great us. Except they didn?t actually greet us caus...
More About: General , Weekend , Part , The Asylum , The A

Why I am a Nerd
2007-07-05 17:59:00
By now it was about the third week of school and I had developed a sort of pattern for my daily activities. In the evenings The Bitch and I headed to the larger dinning hall and had their famed Oatmeal Raisin cookies. However, I hate raisins so I picked them out of the cookies. I have issues. After dinner she and I would head to the gym. The Bitch would drop me off and then walk across street to for tennis practice. New Jersey kept insisting I come and cheer them on at practice. So, I did. However, the real reason I went was not to cheer on New Jersey but to see Curly. The first practice I went to I remember very well. I was all sweaty and gross from the gym but I headed over there anyway. When I got to the indoor tennis courts I proceeded to sit my super self-conscious self down and pretend to do homework so maybe they wouldn?t notice me. Apparently that did not work because Curly came over and started talking to me. I figured it couldn?t hurt for me to try and flir...
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The Party Continues
2007-07-04 16:38:00
When we got there Curly decided to make use drinks and we started talking to him, New Jersey, and Big Head. I went around and introduced myself to the guys and found out that I had a cousin who lived in the same town as New Jersey did. At some point Curly and I realized that we had birthdays a day apart and joked around about how we would have a party together. Later he and New Jersey invited us to watch the football game with them on TV tomorrow since it was away. We agreed and hung out some more. I decided that the guys were really nice and I was hoping we would get to hang out with them more than just the next day. We stayed over for a couple more hours in which my awkward self did not move from the kitchen bar stole because I was nervous around the older guys. As you can see I am quite the player and know how to woo myself a man (not so much). Eventually New Jersey drove us home because the Bitch had had a bit too much to drink. On the ride home I feared for my life...
More About: Party , General , The Party , Conti

It's Starting to Get a Little More Fun
2007-07-03 18:17:00
So, my first football game was over and now The Bitch was back. She arrived late on Sunday night after spending the weekend with her deranged family. When I asked her how the weekend was she proceeded to explain to me how the people that lived across the street from her apparently tried to engage her family in some sort of conversation. I guess The Bitch and her family found this inappropriate because the people across the street lived in a trailer. I guess trailer folk aren?t allowed to interact with people in the lower-upper class. I then asked her why she lived by a trailer and she said her family bought some land on cotton field and since they did not pick cotton the people in the trailers had to do it. She then proceeded to tell me that she needed to join a tanning place at school since she no longer had a private tanning bed like she did at home. The Bitch was way too spoiled. After she updated me on her weekend and about how her and her Slave went shopping she inf...
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Surviving the First Few Days
2007-07-02 18:27:00
1. Do not tell your roommates when you first met them that they either: -look aneorexic -look like someone you saw on America's Most Wanted -smell or look dirty -are unattractive/ not wealthy enough for you to interact with -they shouldn't have been accepted to this college, let alone anywhere else -is their voice usually that annoying or are they just trying to sound like Fran Drescher 2. Do not foolishly agree to be their best friend forever on the first day you meet. If someone is asking you that then there is something really really wrong. 3. Pop Tarts. They are fun, many varieties, they look pretty with sprinkles. However, they are fattening. Just because they are strawberry or blueberry does not mean they qualify as a fruit. If you continously eat an entire pack twice a day you will end up looking like the Blueberry girl from Willy Wonka. 4. Rolly backpacks are evil and will cause you to be made fun of frequently. Professors carry them ...
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The First Game
2007-07-02 18:11:00
The Friday before the game Big Rear and I decided to venture out and head downtown to where all the bars were. I had had two glasses of wine to drink so I was drunk when we decided to go. This was not the best idea considering that we were underage and the streets were teaming with cops. Whatever, I was drunk I didn?t care. I didn?t even care when about five cops started following Big Rear and I. Somehow I managed not to look too drunk and eventually they stopped following us so we made it safely home. Back at home I was hoping to continue the semi-eventful night, but that didn?t work. Instead I met Big Rear?s boyfriend, Muscley Man Boobs. He was really nice. However, he was a little hard to understand sometimes because apparently I was not up on the latest lingo due to my lameness. Muscley Man Boobs? roommate was pretty weird and overly friendly. No big deal I figured he was basically a harmless teddy bear. Well, the night was over so I took my drunk self to bed. As ...
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My First Weekend
2007-06-30 15:49:00
After my first day of classes was over I headed to my second, which also started at 8 am. My first class of the day on Tuesdays and Thursdays was math. Taking math was not something I was looking forward to; one because I hate math with a burning passion, and two; it was way too early. Some might ask: ?Oh why do you hate math?? I know, trust me I know. It all started in first grade and I got my first B. Where I went to elementary school the students got A-F?s for grades not S?s, E?s and U's. We were learning about clocks, and I was having trouble reading them, and that is when I got my first B. And so, my hatred began early and developed slowly over the next eleven years. Well, anyway back to school stuff. The one nice thing about Tuesdays and Thursdays was that I got to see Orientation friend because we had math class together. However, the joy of seeing her was quickly ruined by my next class with Professor My Pants Fall Down; he taught International Relations which ...
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It's All a Little Blurry
2007-06-30 15:48:00
The next few days all kind blurred together and did not really slow down until my first official weekend at college. The first night with ?The Bitch? wasn?t super exciting. We talked a lot and got to know each other a little better. I learned more about her boyfriend and all about how she was madly in love with him and that one day they would have two kids. I filled her in on my life and my friends from back home. I also told her about the two other kids from my high school that were attending college with us. Eventually we decided to go to bed because tomorrow we had to get up and go to this most ridiculous freshman seminar crap about the book we were forced to read over the summer. The next morning bright and early we walked to the communal laundry room and met with the three other freshman, who lived in our apartment complex, and made the long walk over to the campuses basketball arena. Big Rear and Number Four had opted not to attend the ceremony, mass meeting thing ev...
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Where Did All the Money Go?
2007-06-30 15:47:00
Sunday was the first day I was going to officially spend semi-alone. Today was the day my parents were to trek the eight hours home and two states away, and leave me at college. So, to answer my question were did all the money go? Well it left with my parents. That morning my parents dropped me off at my new mosquito infested pit of a home. I was the only one there; at least that is what I thought. Eventually, about three hours later, my other two roommates awoke. Big Rear and Number Four were in their room and The Bitch was still with her parents. The Bitch I would later learn was not staying in a hotel but an RV her parents had brought from back home. She lived about five hours away in another state. I decided to make myself useful since the cable wasn?t hooked up yet and start unpacking my belongings. I had officially been designated a side of the room and closet. I got the side with the window, hot damn. It was a very tiny window that looked out on a hill of mulc...
More About: Money , General , Where

My First Day of College: Part II
2007-06-30 15:42:00
Once my family and I had made it safely back to our van with its awesome tinted windows we decided on where to eat for lunch. My parents felt for me to get the complete feel of college that we should all eat in one of my school?s dining halls. I was very stupid for allowing this. I should have forced my parents to take me to an actual restaurant while they were still here with there money. Instead I chose to begin the horrible process that would later begin in my intestines early by subjecting me to school food. Once my parents and I got our spam like substances and sat down to eat when began to discuss my roommates. My Dad?s responded first as follows: ?I think the bitch?s Dad gets beaten by his wife and then she takes all his food from him while she suffocates him in her massive chest.? Then my brother: ?How the hell does roommate number four have sex with her boyfriend. It?s not natural there is a reason whales mate with whales and not dolphins.? My mother: ?Mormons do...
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My First Day of College: Part I
2007-06-30 15:38:00
It was a relatively uneventful day. I woke up insanely nervous seeing as this was the first time ever I was actually going to be away from my parents. Except for those two weeks out of the year I would go on vacation with my friends and their families. First things first, I woke and my mother started crying. She stops we walk to the car she starts again. We drive to my door room. Oh wait a second, I didn?t live in a dorm room thanks to horrible freshman overcrowding I got stuck in upperclassmen apartments. Instead we headed to my apartment which I would later learn was probably not the best situation and living in a dorm room was about fifty times better. So, we pull up to the apartment complex and we get my keys. We then attempt to enter the wrong apartment for about fifteen minutes until someone informs us that we are in the wrong complex. So we get back in the car and go to the correct complex. This complex was a glorious mosquito infested muck pit, and much to our s...
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