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Part the Seventh: She has 'Crush' on you
2007-10-26 17:10:00
It was like connecting positive and negative energy, but Luce and I were finally able to reconnect and set up a reconciliatory date. She had scheduling conflicts for most of my available times (school, a babysitting commitment and a best friend's birthday party were all pesky obstacles) so I ended up taking a couple hours off work so we could meet for a leisurely lunch and then walk around a local park.If you're new to this tragic but all too real tale of failed attempts at love, you can check out the sordid and choppy history of Luce and my relationship here. Or, if you're the kind of person who flips to the back of the book to read the annotated version, it suffices to say that Luce and I have never clicked. I've either been too late, too dumb, too condemning or too verbose. Luce, on the other hand, has been everything; she's a charming date and beautiful companion. I've been borderline comatose.Before heading out for date number four (or three, depending on whether you...
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Enforcement of the Authority of the Certificate of Authenticity
2007-10-25 17:15:00
Here's the short version of a long story: Mommy G hounded us about fraudulent comments all week. At first we were able to placate her with meaningless buzz phrases like: "I appreciate your concern," and later: "We'll get right on it." But eventually she threatened to cut the flow of brownies, and we immediately held an emergency staff meeting to determine what was to be done. The decision was unanimous, thanks in large part to the silent but conspicuous presence of Mommy G and her wooden spoon in the corner of the room.Uncle Wally has been ordered to delete all comments from fake Mommy Gs starting the moment this post goes online. In addition, all comments from fake Mommy Gs from before this post are to be deleted at Uncle Wally's leisure.It's been a great run, you guys. We'll tell you honestly: we found the whole thing absolutely hysterical (but don't tell Mommy G we said so). But when you stand between us and the brownies, something has got to give. And while we may not be a...
More About: Authority , Authenticity , Enforcement , Then , Cert

Life Tip #44
2007-10-24 15:22:00
Don't create fake identification cards.If you must create fake identification cards, don't steal the printer used by your state to manufacture driver's licenses.If you must steal the printer used by the state to manufacture driver's licenses to help your quest to create fake identification cards, don't call technical support.
More About: Life

Selbmarcd Lrettes
2007-10-24 15:18:00
Wlihe smoe wdros are hrad to dehpicer wehn the ioiretnr lrettes are selbmarcd, oreths are pttery esay to frugie out. In fcat, you may jsut be albe to raed tihs scnetnee wtihout so mcuh as a hctih if you hvae lenraed to shgit raed iaetsnd of snidnoug out erevy wrod pllacitenopy. Yuor mromey ptus the wdors tehtgeor for you form shgit and you unatsredd slaml wdors qlkciuy and legrar wdros aetfr smoe tniknihg.

Twenty foot Screeeeeeeeech mark
2007-10-23 16:22:00
Me alone. An empty car and an open road. Me and God in a three door. No police cars or emergency vehicles behind. Only traffic ahead. Blake Shelton in the speakers. New shopping mall on the left, older shopping mall on the right. Thinking about elasticity of demand for lead-based Chinese toys. Trying not to think about a test I just took on the same subject. Worried about the upcoming workday at General Mills. Wondering whether my mother will notice my unfinished chores. Watching the traffic. Glazing just a bit. The track on the stereo changed. Ain't Easy Bein' Me, also by Blake Shelton. Shelton has the same initials as Britney Spears. I wonder if he gets that a lot. I wonder if he's ever made the connection. Would Britney Spears have made it in country music? Maybe she should try that genre as a comeback strategy. She could be the un-Dixie Chicks. Traffic in my lane is slowing. It's faster in the left lane. I am in the left lane. The car ahead of me has ...
More About: Twenty , Mark , Foot , Cree , Went

The Brow Documents
2007-10-22 15:56:00
FCN recently received the following email:Dear FCN, It has been brought to my attention that 2/3rds of FCN staff edit their eyebrows, as result of their teasing by someone who had purple hair, to which the retort was, "Oh yeah? Well, I don't have one eyebrow." Out of curiosity, I would like to know three things (feel free to embellish with as many lies as you want…I think it makes the stories more interesting). 1. The real (or completely hammed) story behind the unibrow 2. How long the F of FCN plans to leave his hair the way it is (including facial hair!) and how he decided to bring it to that state 3. If any of the FCN staff has experimented with electrical nose hair trimmers, and the resulting experiences (I've heard that they tickle). Lady ÉowynThis email may have been more dead-on that its author intended. The fact is, all three of us trim. The story is an intensely complex issue - very close to all of our hearts. But we decided to bare our souls and expose ourselv...
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Pop Quiz #4
2007-10-19 16:10:00
Ladies and gentleman, boys and girls please clear your desk of all notebooks, papers and digital assistants and prepare yourselves for an FCN Pop Quiz ! You may, of course, keep your computer on, just don't click on the answer hyperlinks until you've answered all the questions. That includes you, Adrialien; you may be outside the country, but it's still no fair clicking on the hyperlinks until after taking the quiz. Simply select the best solution you can, maybe scratch a notation on a pad of paper to signify your decision and force a modicum of honesty and look at the bottom of the post for the answers.1) Who is Shinzo Abe?a) Japanese Businessman who committed suicide after a failed business dealing.b) Japanese Agriculture and Forestry minister who committed suicide after a cabinet shakeup.c) Former Japanese Prime Minister.d) Champion Japanese Sumo wrestler.2) How old is the first Baby Boomer to have filed for Social Security benefits?a) 60 (born in 1947)b) 61 (born in 1946)c) 62...

News Flash: 10/18/07
2007-10-18 16:56:00
Holiday will not play World Series due to injury sustained during postgame celebration Matt Holiday, who was named Most Valuable Player of Baseball’s National League Championship series will be unable to play in his team’s first ever World Series due to an injury sustained during his team’s wild postgame celebration. Holiday, an outfielder for the Colorado Rockies, was wildly shaking a bottle of champagne and screaming at the top of his lungs when he pulled a key muscle in his lower back. Team mates and witnesses to the incident say Holiday fell on the ground and began writhing; a move many thought was an unorthodox but acceptable form of celebration. It wasn’t until Holiday began shouting “my back, you fools! My back!” that the injury was attended. The Rockies, who had been sustaining a Cinderella type playoff run and had won 21 of their last 22 games, will have to find another left fielder for the World Series. Torre considers run at high political office In t...
More About: News , Flash

Why its OK to give liberals the pass
2007-10-17 16:19:00
Warning: The content of this post is unintentionally mature. If you are mature, please read on. If you are unsure of your maturity, but are deathly curious, there isn't anything this paragraph can say to stop you, so read on. If you are immature, find a mature friend or parent to read the post first and, after the reader has sullied his mind or corrupted her heart with the vile contents, you may weigh the value of reading on.And don't feel lonely, you can always check out today's Life Tip!Those of you who have taken a break from your busy class schedule to peek at the news may have noticed a slightly alarming, politically delicious and highly concupiscent episode involving a duly elected United States Senator, an airport and a men's restroom.If you aren't up to speed, let's just say that the honorable Senator was caught doing some perverted and illegal things in the bathroom and that the evidence against him was so strong that he plead guilty to the resulting misdemeanor ch...
More About: Liberals , Give , Pass

Life Tip #43
2007-10-17 16:09:00
Don't drive while intoxicated.If you must drive while intoxicated, don't speed.If you must speed while intoxicated, don't text message your friends.If you must speed while intoxicated while text messaging your friends, don't drive next to a set of railroad tracks.
More About: Life

Desperate Student, Episode 13: Dung Collector
2007-10-16 15:13:00
This story continues the sad, sad story of the Desperate Student . If you're not up to speed, catch up here.Warning: This episode contains brutally vivid descriptions of desperate survival in the wilderness. While this tale of human tenacity and hardiness may inspire some, it will probably be unsuitable to our more disturbable readers. So, as if you needed anything more than the title to warn you: proceed with caution.We pitched camp in a man-made clearing several miles from a war-torn Zimbabwean airport, deep in native-infested jungle. Jane was a beacon of assurance and stability. She stood calmly on the hood of the jeep cradling her sniper rifle, supervising the men and giving orders without raising her voice. I'm sure that without her, we would all have panicked and started killing each other. Our Nikes would have squished with blood.Anyway, we eventually got the two large tents erected. One was for storing and testing the samples and equipment. The other was for living quarters...
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Would the real Mommy G please take a bow?
2007-10-15 16:08:00
I would first like to say that this is my first post on this blog, and I am very excited about that. My nephews have not treated me with much respect, but they are finally letting me speak for myself. I am very happy about this. Did I mention that I was very excited to be posting?The FCN Team asked me to get to the bottom of the Mommy G problem so our readers would know who they could trust (which apparently means beg for brownies). I have created an authentication system so everyone can know who is in and who is out. Let me explain how it works and then how to use it.It works by first assuming that given users have characteristics T1:Tn which indicate identities. The parameter d is a dampening factor that can be set between 0 and 1. I usually set d to 0.85. I define C(A) as the number of characteristics stemming from the user. So the identity breakdown of user A is given as follows:I(A) = (1-d) + d(I(T1)/C(T1)+...+I(Tn)/C(Tn))Identity of I(A) can be calculated using a simple itera...
More About: Real

All Things Patriots
2007-10-12 15:25:00
I am a huge New England Patriots fan. I know Tom Brady, Asante Samuel, Teddy Bruschi, Randy Moss and Lawrence Maroney by name. I regularly watch the highlights of Patriots games and am ecstatic when my team wins. I know players stats by heart and can tell you how many points per game the Pats defense has allowed since 2003 (16.5), how many consecutive seasons the Pats have won in the Playoffs (4) and the number of times Brady has lost on artificial turf (1). I know the nature of Lawrence Maroney's injury and can describe Samuel's lanky stride to a T.I also cheer on the Patriots no matter what. When head coach Bill Belichick admitted to using illegal field level videotaping to catch opponent signal calling, I compared football to baseball, where such a practice is legal and expected. When Brady left his pregnant supermodel girlfriend to date the world's richest supermodel, I sighed and dug desperately for words of justification. When Rodney Harrison was suspended for taking Human ...
More About: Things

Undocumented Workers Hope to Change California's Flag
2007-10-11 16:27:00
MAYBRIDGE, CA (FCN) -- Illegal immigrants in the agricultural heart of the Golden State have made a a concerted effort to change the Californian Flag . Pedro Cortes of the Sociedad por Liber California (roughly translated the Society for Free California) told FCN in a recent interview, "We really feel the current symbol of California is wrong. Just plain malo, as we would say. It's not fair to the illegals in this area, much less to the millions of undocumented workers in many of California's regions. And what's up the bear anyway? How many bears do you see roaming in a central valley vineyard?" Cortes also criticized the red star in the upper left hand corner of the flag, calling it "a symbol of communism."Aside from the fact that many undocumented immigrants disprove of the "no es frio" or "uncool" look of the flag, many also feel that the current symbol of California is in conflict with the rights granted to illegal immigrants by the U.N. While these arguments are often dismiss...
More About: Workers , Change , Hope , Chang

Green SUV
2007-10-10 15:45:00
Environmentalist extremists are hypocrites. It seems that that's the message sent by every major "green" political figure from Al Gore III to Paris Hilton. I don't want to believe that, though; I want to think that every conservationist who puts plants and animals before human beings has the purist of intentions and a consistent heart. I want to believe that environmentalist extremists put the same fervor behind their convictions as Tookie Williams. I really really do.In fact, I put myself to sleep every night not by counting sheep, but by saying over and over again "Green s are people too, Greens are people too, Greens are people too..." My room mate says he wants me to find help.Anyway, that's the overly elaborate setup for my trip to work from school the other day that had me zipping (siren sounds) along the interstate listening to Emerson Drive's rendition of Devil Went Down to Georgia. I really think the Campbell Creek Gang has a better version, but regardless the devil was ...

Life Tip #42
2007-10-09 16:49:00
Don't text votes for yourself in an online beauty contest in an effort to win a little over $200 worth of makeup.If you must text votes for yourself in an effort to win a little over $200 worth of makeup, don't spend $2,384.54 sending nearly 2,000 text messages.If you must spend $2,384.54 to text nearly 2,000 votes for yourself in an effort to win a little over $200 worth of makeup, win the contest.
More About: Life

I am Not a Reader - Part 2
2007-10-09 16:39:00
After a spasm of confusing and conflicting comments to the first post in this series, we sent Trevor an email to make sure we were still on speaking terms. He wrote from his hospital bed to assure us that we were still chums, and then followed up this display of good nature by writing a second part to his I am Not a Reader note, which we present here.I am 98.156542% sure that there is a small doubt nagging at the back of your mind. At random times, and even awkward moments, it whispers to you: “Trevor wrote that comment. Trevor no liiiiike you. Or he have a split personalityyyy….”In order to quell that doubt, or perhaps to negate the aftereffects, I set out one day to find the imposter.I was… released… from the hospital at 12:12 P.M. By 12:13 I pulled up to my driveway in a stolen ambulance. I rushed inside with a single thought -- to change from the embarrassing hospital gown to something more befitting a secret agent. You would have thought that I would have learned from...
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Part Four: “You Will Never Learn”
2007-10-08 17:05:00
For a few minutes after Carrie agreed to accompany me to one of our town’s better steakhouses for dinner, I felt strong feelings of elation and relief: Elation because Carrie had said “yes” and relief because she hadn’t said “no.” But I didn’t get much time to enjoy these emotions because my overactive mind began thinking about the ramifications of the commitment I'd made.Yes, I’d made a date for dinner, but maybe Carrie would think of it as more than that. To me, dinner is a meal. Fifty bites, 70 swallows (if you count the beverage) and a little conversation. Sounds like a song, no? To Carrie, a nice meal with some charming company might be suggestive of something more; something more permanent and lasting. Maybe she would cling to me thereafter like cheap aftershave and never let me live my own life. Maybe I was signing a stalker request and ruining my love life ever after. I know, not really losing anything, but maybe it would tip my hand too much and give Carrie...
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FCN Tales: Cinderella according to N.
2007-10-05 17:40:00
Well guys, if I remember correctly, the tale goes like this. One upon a time there was a girl named Cinderella who lived with her widowed father. She was a wonderful and enchanting girl who loved to dance, smell roses, and take trips to the mall. She lived a happy life; she was good at sports, worked on computer programming, and even enjoyed psychology. She also liked stamp collecting. And she had a sheep.Tragically, Cindy's happiness was not to last. Over time, her dad felt she needed a mother, and married a nasty lady who turned Cinderella's heart to ice. To her horror, her new stepsisters were as bad they looked. Just when Cinderella thought things couldn't get any worse, her father took a vacation to Scotland, never to return. Unfortunately, this meant Cinderella was stuck living with her evil plastic-surgery-obsessed step mother and two step sisters.Poor Cinderella. Day in, day out, her new "family" forced her to perform menial tasks such as taking out the garbage and scrubb...
More About: Tales , Cord , Accord

FCN Tales: Cinderella according to C.
2007-10-04 15:16:00
Author's note: When I was asked to create my rendition of the popular fairy tale, I thought the task would be easy. I waltzed (1-2-3,1-2-3) over to my computer, sat down in front of my keyboard and stared at the faded letter markings something like the way Napoleon Dynamite stares at nachos. I drew a complete blank. What in the world was the story of Cinderella all about? I kept thinking about Cinderella teams in March Madness and Cinderella Man, a great movie with Russel Crowe that has nothing to do with a lost slipper. In the end, I had to do a little online research to discover the common mistelling of this sad tragedy. The real version follows...Once upon a time, in a land whose longitude and latitude place it in close proximity with our own, there lived a girl named Cinderella. Cinderella was a happy girl, full of life, joyous attitude and a humble spirit. She had many friends and could talk with animals. She could also knit. She had all the material things she wanted. Dress...
More About: Tales , Cord , Accord