Funny Class Notes

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Spring Break
2008-03-10 15:09:00
It's that time of year again. Students the country over are taking a week off of school to get into untold mischief and generally blow off enough steam to survive the second half of the semester. The smart kids lose a little of their shine and the party animals completely lose it. Teachers, parents and bartenders look the other way as thousands of students perform the timeless rituals associated with this charming break.Whoever said idle hands are the devils workshop has obviously been to Cancun in mid-March.As admitted derelicts, we refuse to be left out of the frivolity. And we need an excuse to take a week off. So for the next few days, we will be doing things that will eventually be published here for your titillation. Call it research. If we survive the ordeal, we will post again on Monday, March 17. Until then, don't tell our moms what we're up to.
More About: Break , Spring , Spring break

Life Tip #60
2008-03-07 18:38:00
Don't keep marijuana in your home.If you must keep marijuana in your home, don't keep 6,700 pounds of it (estimated value $6 million).If you must keep $6 million worth of marjijuana in your home, don't keep any in your car.If you must keep $6 million worth of marijuana in your home and a few pounds in your car, don't keep $100,000 in cash on hand.If you must keep $6 million worth of marijuana in your home, a few pounds in your car and $100,000 in cash on hand, don't speed.
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Elephant Bar Restaurant
2008-03-07 15:33:00
My hometown - not the city where I receive my mail or my parents pay property tax, but the town where I attend college - used to boast a Lyon's Restaurant . I use the past tense because the decrepit building that housed the senior's diner beneath its 60s era architecture was given the demolition ball a few months ago. Before the destruction, the Lyon's building had a rusty [Ralph Nader] orange exterior that looked like it would be more at home on a shag carpet than on the outside of a dining establishment. Soon the citrus relic was replaced with wood frame that shouted "what will I be?" for several months.My hometown has been inundated with a spate of new eateries of late as food businesses try to fatten the otherwise health conscious populous. Restaurants of all varieties have opened their automatic doors and extended the greasy hand of hospitality to diners, a gesture that reflected poorly on my town in Forbe's recent evaluation. Even restaurants that serve trans fat have ...
More About: Elephant

The Etymology of a post
2008-03-06 15:18:00
Special thanks for the aged wisdom, useless flaunt and inane facts provided by Mr. L in preparing this post.In typical FCN fashion, I will now presume to know how the faithful FCN think. There. I admitted it. You can now burn me in effigy and sacrifice me to the media gods for public ridicule. I submit freely and willingly to your abuse and reserve no right against slander with regard to my admission of presumption. Happy now? Then read the post.It's very easy to visit a regularly updated humor blog like Funny Class Notes and assume the posts spontaneously generate themselves or that they come to be out of nothing. Some will even argue that our posts are in fact nothing, but that they are carefully packaged and positioned to look like something, but these people don't know the world of hurt they create with their cutting reviews.Hang on a second while I collect myself.I am here to dispel that presumed (by me for you) myth (the one about spontaneously generating posts; the qu...
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Life Tip #59
2008-03-05 17:47:00
Read Funny Class Notes.If you don't read Funny Class Notes, read Life Tip #14 (posted a year ago today).If you don't read Funny Class Notes or Life Tip #14, don't be surprised when your children burn down your house.

2nd Do It Yourself Post
2008-03-05 15:28:00
FCN is __________.
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Life Tip #58
2008-03-05 15:19:00
Don't tease crocodiles.If you must tease crocodiles, don't do so while alone in a small boat.If you must tease crocodiles while alone in a small boat, don't have someone else take a picture of your frivolity:
More About: Life

Tune Up (with Prelude!)
2008-03-03 15:50:00
It's time for the next release for A Capella Due to Budget Cuts!Music goes through a strange pipeline here at FCN. We won't go through all the details right now because you might be eating (in which case please wash your hands before touching the keyboard - come on people). But suffice it to say that something went wrong halfway through the songwriting process, and next thing you know, kachow! We've got a song that not only has no instruments, it doesn't even have words. We've barely gotten started and we're already spiraling downhill.Oh well. On the plus side, we're releasing two tracks this time. So that's something. Here's the updated download list so you can keep your iPod on the cutting edge:A CAPELLA DUE TO BUDGET CUTS01 I Forgot02 Tune Up (Prelude)03 Tune Up

Todd's Economics
2008-03-03 15:20:00
Todd is studying for a big examination in his tough economics course. He doesn't particularly enjoy studying, but he still finds his book or notes open in the oddest of places. This morning, he takes Gregory Mankew's Macroeconomics with him to the bathroom as he puts in his contact lenses. With one eye focused on the Cobb-Douglas Production Function, he places a thin film of soft plastic over the other. The process is painful, awkward, dangerous and inconvenient, but it is efficient and brings more utiles (units of utility) than waiting to read the book until the vision of both eyes is corrected.Todd begins his day with a number of basic assumptions. His zero assumption is that everything will be recounted in the present tense. This assumption is self contradictory, but Todd doesn't let that minor difficulty discourage his believing. Todd sometimes wonders why this fundamental presupposition isn't given the number 1, but he doesn't let this undirected curiosity distract ...
More About: Economics

Runaway Car
2008-02-29 15:16:00
On my way to school the other morning, I swung by the gas station to fill up the seemingly bottomless tank on my car. If you think this post is going to about the high price of gasoline, you read way too much FCN. For once, we are deviating from this popular and very relevant theme to discuss another pressing issue at the pump.But, as long as we are on the subject - and I am already prejudged a oil price junkie - my latest fill up was ridiculously expensive. I would write the total price down, but most of the faithful FCN few would find it too fantastic to believe. So, I scanned my receipt, blotted out a few private and unimportant details and posted it to the right for you to enjoy and be amazed at (click to enlarge).A little topography before we continue: My filling station of choice is situated at the top of a small rise. It isn't any great hill or imposing mountain (I live in the central valley for Quetzalcoatl's sake), but it is enough of an elevation increase to deserv...
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Cow Bell 101
2008-02-28 16:15:00
This site has cataloged my antics at my school's basketball games before, but this post centers on the behavior of another ardent fan, this one in the pep band. If you've ever been to a collegiate sporting event, you have undoubtedly been treated to the rousing notes of the pep band, rising up over the raucous cheers of the crowd with a volume that does little to disguise its own discord.A friend who plays a very loud (and thus very important) instrument for the group once confided in me that the band practiced only two times outside of games all semester. For such little preparation, it is astounding that they are able to get so many people to play the right note at the same time, or at least a tone that is within a half step of the right note.This is higher education: Who's to say what is or isn't the "right" note?Our pep band has one clear standout. He is the Kobe Bryant of the court, the Bill Gates of the computer world and the Tim Berners-Lee (the guy who invented the in...
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1st Do It Yourself Post
2008-02-27 15:14:00
Ever since we phased out full-length Wednesday posts, we've been dependably getting comments from regular readers reminding us that Life Tips and Notes to Self "don't count." It's been so regular and dependable we've actually taking to setting our watches based on the "don't count" comments."Hey, adrialien just told us that wasn't a real post. My watch is 3 minutes fast!""Well, it's nine o'clock. Where's batman?"Much as we love the normal routine, we thought we should consider shaking things up some. The obvious choice was to just start posting Wednesdays again just like any other day. But we don't want to do that. We have all kinds of great reasons, the last one of which is actually true:- Wednesdays are unlucky.- We want to shake things up.- We don't have enough content.- Wednesday is the day when the the fish of the sea were created.- We're too lazy.So, in lieu of a standard post, we'd like to give folks like adrialien and batman (and the rest of you) a chance to mak...
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Life Tip #57
2008-02-27 15:06:00
Don't do drugs.If you are going to do drugs, don't make narcotics a family activity.If you are going to do drugs and make them a family activity, don't interfere when your four year old kid gives the cops a demonstration during a drug bust.
More About: Life

The Top Ten Threats to America
2008-02-26 16:02:00
There are a lot of people saying a lot of things about this country and it's time we sat down and cleared the air a bit.1) Badly popped popcorn getting stuck in the back of your throat. Pieces of popcorn shell are like danger on a stick, the only difference being that they're not on a stick. We would discourage thinking too hard about that one.2) Mothers-in-law. We're talking some major scariness here. Now many of us have great mother-in-laws and/or are great mother-in-laws and or know great mother-in-laws, etc, etc, and those sorts of things and such stuff and all the rest, and whatnot. But the fact is, mother-in-laws are scary people no matter what. I mean, they're the mothers of your spouse! That is, they are the mother of your spouse. She is the mother of your spouses.See. Scary.3) Orbital bombardment. Imagine if some massively advanced alien race showed up in the sky and started raining super-hot plasma bombs all over everywhere, scorching whole continents into glass and de...
More About: America , Threats

A Songwriter's Take on Stockton
2008-02-25 15:35:00
One of FCN's contributors was recently named humor columnist for his school's newspaper, The Pacifican. As prodigious as that sounds (and it really does have the ring of prodigy), the new position has fewer readers than even the lowly Funny Class Notes, which is saying something. It also means a whole new passel of editors, each of whom is infinitely more irritating than the other FCN writers (which, again, is saying something), will have to peruse his work before it goes to print.A little disclaimer: These columns are written for a slightly different format than FCN. First, the nature of the publication encourages local topics and humor that may not be even remotely stimulating for those reading outside the target area. You'll have to either smile and play along or go visit Google News when the local material is discussed. Second, they still haven't figured out a way to make newspapers carry hyperlinks. I wrote the New York Times months ago about this problem and not only...
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Help: The scary girl has a crush on me!
2008-02-22 16:39:00
Devoted FCN fans may remember a post from five months ago in which I bemoaned a young woman in my language class who scared me more than a passel of half-humans in a Will Smith movie. In that post I described "Annie's" neurotic "zone out" behavior and the jarring impact her intense escapism had on my psyche.Back then, she hurt my ability to focus; now she is interfering with my love life.With a new semester underway, the unique seating arrangement of my language class got a shuffle. It seemed none of the eleven continuing students retained their old places and familiar neighbors were replaced with new, fresher faces. Even I, a stubborn student and aspiring ornery codger, budged a couple seats.But no one moved further than Annie. From her old place across the room from my desk, she transplanted herself to the spot immediately to the left of me. And know, faithful FCN few, that this selection was not random. Annie did not enter the room like tumbleweed in the wind and "find" he...
More About: Girl , Scary , Crush

The Day I Cruised Down Main Street Blasting Handel with the Windows Rolled
2008-02-21 15:55:00
I was driving out to work yesterday and came to a stop at a - you know - stop light. Someone pulled up to my right and I noticed his presence immediately. This is because he had his windows rolled down and was playing Ludacris' "Ludacrismas" * with the volume up all the way and the bass booster even higher.* You have to listen past the first 30 seconds to really get the idea."How thoughtful of this kind gentleman!" I said to myself. "Here he's not only providing himself with music; he's providing it free of charge to everyone within three city blocks! Some of them probably don't have radios and wish they could listen to Ludacris more often."The light turned green and the driver to my left moved out ahead of me. I noticed as he went by that he was wearing a doo-rag over a baseball cap over a beanie and had a massive gold chain dangling around his neck. His license plate read: IRGANGSTA.Touched by this anonymous fellow's simple gesture, I drove on and worked my shift. On the way ...
More About: Windows , Main , Handel , Street , Main Street

Life Tip #56
2008-02-20 15:25:00
Don't use unorthodox weight-loss methods.If you must use unorthodox weight-loss methods, be sure to consult a physician before starting the program.If you must use unorthodox weight-loss methods and don't consult a physician before starting the program, steer clear of worms.
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Risky blogging
2008-02-19 15:45:00
This post is introspective and may come across to the uninitiated as a tad effeminate, that is, not manly. Please know that I took my testosterone pills this morning, ate my Wheaties and had a snicker's bar during class. I was also told by my mom that this post is "sensitive but still masculine." Exact words. So there. If you still believe that this post is a panziness sketch after reading it, know that my governor can pump up your governor any election.And whatever you do, please don't faint.Barring Baring one's life to eleven anonymous readers in a publically read and uncontrolled forum (a concept which technically includes anything said outside a shower stall) is dangerous. Even when some of the episodes are embellished slightly to impart an important moral or practical reality, the fact that the stories shared here are rooted in truth makes us vulnerable to criticism, and I am not just talking about the comment section.The especially loyal among the Faithful FCN Few may...
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How my love affair with an analog computing device left me completely and u
2008-02-18 15:47:00
Two weeks ago, my family owned three computers. The first was a shiny new laptop I had received for Christmas. The second was an ancient unnamed desktop from the late '90s that sat in a closet gathering dust.The third computer, a laptop named Cidny (yes, it is spelled like that), wasn't as old as our unnamed PC, but, unfortunately, young age is not equivalent to young looks. Poor Cidny had traveled to over 16 states, been on two different continents (three if the Hawaiian volcanoes keep erupting) and has been dropped approximately 12 times.As one would expect, Cidny eventually went kaput. Or capoot. While this was expected, Cidny's death was untimely, considering I was in the middle of writing the most brilliant FCN post ever. On February 14th, 2008 Cidny quietly slipped away into analog non-existence and joined the masses of outdated PCs and all useless Macs. The FCN crew quietly (or in C's case, loudly) added this to the long list of things to mourn.So we were down to one la...
More About: Love , Computing , Left , Device , Analog

Alone on Valentine's Day
2008-02-15 15:25:00
It's the 14th of February and all across the land,Little boys and girls take each other's hand.It's a happy sight, all sweet and pink,But someone isn't happy, I think.He's tried his hardest to get a girl,But when he gets close, most just hurl.He doesn't smell or look that bad,He's just too desperate, which is sad.Amid all the laughter hugs and kisses,Stands one guy alone, no one misses.His heart is full of love to share,If only a girl would dare. On Valentine's Day when all are happy, He writes poems, and they get sappy. His rhymes are weak, his verse uncreative, It could even be packaged as a sedative.Love and warmth he does not inspireBut his writing does make others tireSo I'll tell you the story of how I got this wayAlone, miserable and sad on Valentine's DayIt's an open secret that I have been as indefatigable in my search for female attention as a dog and peanut butter. In turn, females have been just as adamant about denying it. Whether it's been Luce or Carrie ...

Deconstructing the Electoral Process
2008-02-14 16:03:00
Over the past couple of weeks, a number of friends have expressed confusion over our nation’s complicated election system: Some states vote while others don’t. Of the states that do vote, there is some pretty blatant favoritism, as some regions boast more “delegates,” whatever those are.Other friends are addled by the number of candidates. The ballot says John Edwards is still running, but the newspapers say he dropped out. The ballot has the official “Great Seal of the State of ‘Kahlifoania.’” The TV has George Stephanopoulos. Who to believe?Here at FCN, I dragged my sweet tush over to the library and uncovered the following:The foundation of our election system is the television news media.When all the “damn voters,” as Mitt “drops-out” Romney once affectionately titled America’s electorate, have taken a short paid vacation to go vote (as long as two hours by law in California) or waited outside their polling place for equipment to show up (as long ...
More About: Process , Electoral

I Forgot
2008-02-13 21:00:00
The time has come, ladies and gentlemen. FCN is starting a musical group. We call ourselves FCN, we don't have any instruments, and we couldn't sing on key or keep a rhythm to save our lives.On to the less obvious stuff.Instead of releasing our first album (which we're calling "A Capella due to Budget Cuts") all at once, we're opting to release the tracks one at a time. They're not singles (like Up or I'm a Victim). It's just a slow-release album. The tracks will be released in iPod ready form and we've already released album art above ... for you ... album art people.Our first track is called I Forgot. Enjoy and look forward to the next track coming soon!http://www.mediafire.com/?9c0mtiithm d/nod to the people who don't click on things

Life Tip # 54
2008-02-13 15:17:00
Don't steal purses from little old ladies.If you do steal a little old lady's purse, don't do it in the middle of a crowded mall.If you do steal a little old lady's purse in the middle of a crowded mall, don't run to your truck parked right in view of the security cameras.If you do steal a little old lady's purse in the middle of a crowded mall and run to your truck parked right in the view of the security cameras, make sure your vehicle has fuel.
More About: Life

FCN's Godchild needs your help
2008-02-12 15:17:00
You read it right: FCN is asking you, the faithful few, to get off your collective duffs and do something for an unprecedented second consecutive day. Consider it a Valentine's day gift for three guys, who tried hard but weren't able to scare up a Valentine. Consider it an expression of goodwill and self effacement; a declaration that the self is less than the whole.But enough with the altruistic promulgations.Last Summer, FCN celebrated the arrival of rFCN, a website established in the vein of Funny Class Notes but with much funnier jokes (hence the name, Really Funny Class Notes). This blog was, for all intents and purposes, the Godchild of FCN: It was birthed of our seed, in its infancy it created little messes for us to clean up, later it started maturing and finally rebelled against FCN wholeheartedly during its "teenage" period.We even share a name. Yes, "rFCN, I am your father."Now the site is going through its midlife crisis. After a period of almost two and a half m...

Todd's Double Entendre
2007-11-01 15:08:00
Todd wakes up and performs the bread and butter functions of his morning routine (shower, shave and shine). Todd gets dressed in a nice suit, knowing he has a meeting with the big cheese at work. Todd's knows his boss likes to keep his finger in the pie and he doesn't want to risk upsetting the applecart. Meetings are not Todd's cup of tea and he was never very good at polishing the apple with his boss.Downstairs, Todd grabs a fruitbar from a stash he has salted away and hurries to his car. The drive to work is slow and a traffic reporter on the radio spills the beans on an accident up the road. Some nut in a souped up truck lost control while doing something stupid. Fruitcake. Bad egg.Todd is barely at the office ten minutes before his boss's secretary invites him into the main office. Todd sits down in one of the office's plush chairs and thinks again that his job is a gravy train. Very cushy.His boss hasn't arrived yet, so Todd gets up to look at the family pictur...
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Aye Pee
2007-10-31 15:42:00
"She can't write on the blackboard. For the life of me, I don't understand how you can get into teaching with such atrocious and illegible markermanship." I wasn't really frustrated with my teacher's writing, but students start conversations by complaining. So I was complaining. Class was in a few minutes and something had to be said that would keep us from standing around awkwardly like social misfits with rich parents. "Powerpoint. That's the life saver of the modern teacher. And its 'markerwomanship,' as long as we are making up terms." My comrade was Konrad (note that I resisted the temptation to spell "comrade" with a K), an international studies major who somehow wound up in French. "Well, why doesn't she use a computer presentation then? Why insist on the illegible scribbles?" "Funny you should say that, I had a teacher in my high school Aye Pee honors chemistry once who did something just like that. This was a class for promising seniors with stellar GPAs...

Life Tip #45
2007-10-30 15:34:00
Don't drive under the influence.If you must drive under the influence, don't do so with your 11-year old son.If you must drive under the influence with your 11-year old son and get pulled over, don't call your inebriated wife to come pick you up.If you are the inebriated wife, leave your 9-year old daughter behind as you drive intoxicated to meet your drunk husband.
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25 Things I Learned the Hard Way
2007-10-30 14:12:00
1. Laundry doesn't get cleaner by sitting on the floor for a week.2. Teachers bite back.3. Not everything is a toy.4. She really doesn't want to play Halo with you.5. Before pulling into the street, it's best to look right AND left.6. Some people actually read source citations.7. Beer bellies aren't hot.8. It's a good idea to look away from the screen and blink every half hour or so.9. Having a girl doesn't get easier.10. Meal replacement shakes don't actually replace meals.11. Just because she said something bad about herself doesn't mean you're allowed to agree.12. Orthodontists aren't the enemy.13. If she's shrugging her shoulders, clamming up, glaring at you, crying, and yelling, it's her way of saying you did something wrong.14. Fourteen year-olds do not have enough information to decide who they want to spend the rest of their life with.15. There is a difference between artsy and art.16. Calculators are good. Answers in the back of the book are better.17. Everyone ...
More About: Hard , Things , Learned

Plant Pathology Blues
2007-10-29 14:12:00
It's true. We're uploading another movie.This one was written and directed by someone who is only tangentially (read: familiarly) related to the FCN Team. But F was behind the camera, and he edited it. So we're uploading it.This movie was presented last Friday at the Annual Plant Path ology Social at UC Davis. It's basically a place for a nerds to hang out in one of the smallest, most obscure departments on a world-famous campus and scratch each other's backs. Traditionally, such movies are really really cheap and cheesy, and are full of inside jokes. This year was no exception.This year, the lot fell to Ryan H to produce the movie for the social, and he contacted his movie-freak brother to get it done. The movie-freak brother agreed when the university promised to compensate him with 2 free shirts.While this movie was never intended for general consumption, we decided to upload it because:1) We're starved for new content.2) Some of it is funny even if you don't know the insid...
More About: Blues , Holo