Hammer Uncut Hammer Uncut A humorous look at the world around us. Interviews, reviews, videos, social commentary, rants, raves, and whatever else I decide to talk about. Articles
Britney Enlists Heading for Iraq
2007-02-27 23:52:01 A few days ago I broke the story that Britney Spears had shaved her head and confided in friends that she was planning on having a sex change operation. As you can see from this photo, the hormones are kicking in and she’s bulking up. Word has it that she secretly enlisted in the Marines and is excited at the prospect of fighting for her country in Iraq . Britney told the recruiting officer, “I’m dying to get over there and shoot me some terrorists. HOORAH!” Posted on Humor-Blogs.com britney spears, iraq, marines, sex change operation, terroristsbritney spears, iraq, marines, sex change operation, terrorists More About: Lists , List , Head
Michigan Going to the Dogs
2007-02-27 23:52:01 Warning: This post is disgusting. I admit it and just wanted to warn you to proceed at your own risk and don’t complain to me if you have nightmare’s or can’t have sex for a few weeks. Judge Joseph K.Sheeran ruled Friday that the orginal charges against a Saginaw, Mich igan man would stand despite the fact that Michigan has no law that explicitly defines sex with a dead dog as a crime. Ronald E. Kuch, 45, faces charges of sodomy, indecent exposure and resisting an Animal Control officer. If he’s convicted on any of the charges, he could be sentenced to anywhere from one day to 15 years in prison. I’m bucking for the 15 years. Kuch is accused of having sex with his girlfriend’s DEAD dog that had been hit by a car and killed a week earlier. The man was discovered having ’sexual relations’ (thanks Bill) with the animal near the Forest Day Care Center by a teacher who was leading the Animal Control officer to the body of the dead dog so he... More About: Dogs , The D , Going
The Next Best Thing to an Orgasm
2007-02-27 05:51:01 Any guy that can watch this video and not feel light headed and left trying to figure out how to come up with the $1.7 million he’d need to buy this awesome 253 mph (407km) per hour Bugatti Veyron must be in a coma. Then again, this video might just bring him out of it. My apologies for sounding sexist. I’m sure you ladies will enjoy it too, but probably not on the same primal level. More About: The N , Best , Next , The Next Best Thing , Thing
Bald Britney Spears Paper Doll
2007-02-27 05:51:01 Would you like to have a bald Britney Spears paper doll sitting on your desk? Of course you would, who wouldn’t? Click on the small image to open the large file, then print, cut and fold. Email your photos of your Britney paper doll in action to me and I’ll post them to my Flickr gallery. Let’s see how creative you can be, and remember, Britney loves to party. Tips: Cut all the black outlines and fold on the gray ones. I used tape which seemed to work okay, but you’ll need patience and a bit of manual dexterity. p.s. You’ll want to keep a close eye on Britney. This tequila bottle was full when I set her next to it. I went to get my camera and when I came back it was empty. Source: tattler.ru More About: Pear , Paper
It?s All in the Name
2007-02-26 17:50:02 I’ve registered a lot of domains over the years and every once in a while I come up with a URL that sounds good, but doesn’t look quite as good on paper. I wouldn’t have registered any of these names, but I’m glad someone did so I could make fun of them. Looking for the name of your favorite celebrity’s agent or a nice gift for a prostitute? www.whorepresents.com Need expert programming advice or do you feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body? www.expertsexchange.com Interested in buying a new pen or were you hoping to find out more about the resorts in Penis Land? www.penisland.net Looking for a good therapist or are you trying to locate a rapist? www.therapistfinder.com The priests at the First Cumming Methodist Church are selfish bastards. www.cummingfirst.com Need to hire a really fast art director or did you fart in your Speedo? www.speedofart.com Interested in a Lake Tahoe vacation or just bragging about your girlfriend? www.gotahoe.com Wa... More About: The N , Name
Seeing is Unbelieving
2007-02-26 11:49:02 Before you read any further, see if you can guess what this is. I’ll give you a hint besides what it obviously looks like. It’s a periscope. No, it’s not a periscope for the world’s smallest submarine. Nope, it’s not a compact purse-sized periscope for seeing over the ladies sitting in front of you at the ballet. Let’s go back to what it looks like and see if the next clue helps you out. It vibrates. Okay, for those of you that are still scratching your heads, it’s a Pleasure Periscope and you insert it into the vagina or anus so you can look inside. D’oh! Now that you know what it is, will someone please tell me who the hell, besides a gynecologist or proctologist, would want one of these things. For those wacko would-be gynecologists among you that actually do want one, you can order one here. More About: Seeing , Ving
How to Live to be 107 Years Old
2007-02-25 17:48:01 Chan Chi, you’ve lived to be 107, what are you going to do now? “I’m going to quit smoking.” Huh? Okay, I’m sure the reason he didn’t say “I’m going to Disney World” is because he lives in a small village in Hong Kong, but if you managed to live 107 years would you really worry about smoking now? But wait, I haven’t gotten to the good part yet. To what does Mr. Chi attribute his longevity? A low-fat diet, daily exercises at dawn, and… no sex for the past 80 years. WTF? The man has smoked for decades and considers sex to be a vice? In an interview, Chan said that he’s found the pleasure of tobacco harder to resist than that of sex. Oh, and it’s not like he’s never had sex so he doesn’t have anything to compare it to. He was happily married when he was a young man, but his wife was killed during WWII, when he was thirty. All I can say is that the tobacco companies should be stumbling over them... More About: How To , Live , Years , Year , Ears
What Every Elegant Bathroom Needs
2007-02-25 05:47:01 If you’re the kind of person that takes pride in their home like I do, chances are that your bathroom is a showplace. You’ve probably spent a considerable amount of money on quartz sinks, faucets that look like works of art, expensive lighting fixtures, Italian marble counter tops and custom tile on the floor and walls. I bet you even have a really fancy gold-plated toilet paper holder. There’s only one thing wrong with this Architectural Digest picture. Just think, there you are, sitting on your state-of-the-art porcelain throne, surrounded by opulence that would bring a tear to Martha Stewart’s eye, reaching for the same boring roll of white toilet paper that your maid buys for the bathroom in her trailer. Disgusting, but what choice do you have? Renova black toilet paper. It’s been a hit in Europe for years and now it’s finally made it’s way to America. This soft, 3-ply, biodegradable, non-toxic, fragrant bath tissue paper comes packed t... More About: Bath , Bathroom , What , Hat , Ever
The Secret of My Success
2007-02-25 05:47:01 I am often asked how I became so successful and my answer usually is, “It takes a huge ego and some mad marketing skills. You’ve got to get your name in front of the people.” Well, today I thought I’d show you a few examples of what I mean. More About: Success , The Secret , Secret
George Takei Likes it the Hardaway
2007-02-25 05:47:01 Recently, retired NBA All-Star Tim Hard away made some very disparaging remarks about gays during an interview with a Miami radio station and was banned from some NBA-sanctioned appearances he was scheduled to make in Las Vegas as part of the All-Star weekend. He also lost at least one of his endorsement deals, and he ordered his name dropped from advertising at a car wash he owns in Miami to ensure the safety of his employees. “You know, I hate gay people. Let it be known I don’t like gay people and I don’t like to be around gay people. I am homophobic. I don’t like it. It shouldn’t be in the world or in the United States.” George Take i of Star Trek fame and a gay activist had something to say about it, but I don’t think it will be quite what you expected. all star, gay activist, george takei, homophobic, nba, star trek, tim hardawayall star, gay activist, george takei, homophobic, nba, star trek, tim hardaway More About: Away , Like
A Fool and His Money are Soon Parted
2007-02-25 05:47:01 A man took $32,000 in cash to a psychic in Bradenton Florida to have it blessed, but the psychic and the money have disappeared. I’m no psychic and even I saw that one coming. Manuel Lanaverde heard an ad the psychic was running on two local radio stations promising that she could change your luck. He arranged an appointment with her and explained that his construction business was floundering. She suggested that he bring her a large amount of money so she could bless it and make his business prosper. The moron… er I mean victim brought her the money the next day and was told that he would need to leave it with her because it would take an entire day to bless the money. I guess she had to bless each bill individually. When he returned the next day to pick up his money, it and the psychic were nowhere to be found. There were however other people there… more idiots that were also finding out that their money was missing as well. I have an aunt that is a psychic and ... More About: Money , Arte , Fool , Part
Bankruptcy Protects Church from Scandal
2007-02-25 05:47:01 The Roman Catholic Diocese of San Diego distributed a letter to parishioners in the regular weekly bulletin last weekend informing them that they are considering declaring bankruptcy. Bishop Robert Brom says they may have no choice if they can’t reach a fair settlement before going to trial on more than 140 cases of alleged sexual abuse by priests. This tactic of filing for bankruptcy to avoid sex abuse scandal has been used four times by other diocese already and has nothing to do with financial difficulties. According to attorney Andrea Leavitt, the San Diego diocese is very wealthy and owns over 500 pieces of property and lots of insurance. Now let’s hear from the pious fucks that speak for the church. “Our culture is superior. Our culture is superior because our religion is Christianity and that is the truth that makes men free.” - Pat Buchanan Apparently it’s also the truth that sets pedophile priests free. “Planned parenthood is teaching ki... More About: Church , Scandal , Bankruptcy , Anda , Bank
Chocolate Good for Big Brain and Body
2007-02-25 05:47:01 Chocolate not only tastes good, but it’s long been considered an aphrodisiac. I’m not convinced that the scientific evidence supporting this claim is any more convincing or valid than what has been said about oysters, but I do concede that giving a box of chocolates to your lover can have excellent side effects. However, now scientists are claiming that chocolate can be good for your brain. The fact that the scientists that conducted the study were funded by the Mars Inc. candy company does give one reason to be skeptical, but supposedly something in chocolate called flavanols can create an increase in blood flow to the brain and specifically to the areas that are responsible for alertness. The problem is that the minor benefits produced by consumption of chocolate are far outweighed by the bad side effects, as is poignantly illustrated by these photos of one of Mensa’s newest members and admitted chocoholic, Sabrina, and IQ challenged Paris Hilton who has been qu... More About: Body , Rain , Chocolate , Cola , Good
Hammer on Larry King Live and MTV
2007-02-25 05:47:01 I announced a couple of days ago that I was the real father of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby and I’m sure most of you doubted my voracity, but the fact that the story has made it on Larry King Live and MTV should make you think twice. More About: Larry King , Hammer
Britney Shaves Head Wants to be a Man
2007-02-25 05:47:01 After leaving rehab recently, Britney Spears admitted to friends that she has been hiding a secret and just can’t hold it in any longer. She told a friend, “I’ve always felt like a man trapped in a woman’s body and it’s finally time to stop pretending and be the person I really am.” As a first step on the path to becoming a man, Britney shaved her head and will begin hormone treatments next month after she goes through counseling and the mandatory waiting period. Doctor Benjamin Shiflis told my source that “We need to make sure she’s really serious about this and not just going through another phase.” For those of you that think I’m making this up, here’s the newspaper clipping I got the story from. britney spears, head, hormone treatments, rehab, shavedbritney spears, head, hormone treatments, rehab, shaved More About: Have , Want , Head , Ants
The Joy of Geriatric Sex
2007-02-16 17:45:02 Georgie Audean Buoy, 84, of Portland Oregon plead guilty on Thursday to charges of having sex with an 11 year-old boy in her foster care and will serve 36 months in prison. She was originally sentenced to eight years but I guess the judge decided a life sentence wasn’t really justified in... More About: Geri
When Telemarketers Attack
2007-02-16 17:45:02 “Hello, this is Rob with Johnson and Smith Investments and I’m calling to let you know about some exciting new movement in the technology stocks in our portfolio. As you know, many… Whoah… hey don’t worry about that yelling, one of my associates is just attacking the... More About: Market , Tele , When , Mark , Telem
I?m the Real Father of Anna Nicole?s Baby
2007-02-16 17:45:02 I know that there’s a good chance my marriage will be ruined after today, but I can’t take it anymore and I’ve got to do the right thing. I am the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby. It was only a one night stand, but I was horny and Anna was depressed about her weight at... More About: Baby , Cole , Real
Google?s Cute Valentine?s Day Logo
2007-02-15 05:43:01 We’ve all grown accustomed to Google ’s quaint tradition of modifying their logo for the holidays and keeping with tradition they put up a cute one for Valenti ne ’s Day with a chocolate covered strawberry representing the G. Really cute, but where the hell is the L? I just showed... More About: Cute , Logo
Modern Day Chastity Belt Perfect Gift
2007-02-14 05:42:02 I’m always on the lookout for new and innovative products and with Valentine’s Day fast approaching I was hoping to find something really special I could recommend to my loyal readers. It took some seriously dedicated searching but I found the perfect gift. Slip a pair of these in with... More About: Belt , Gift , Modern , Perfect
Sky Diver Survives 15,000 Foot Fall
2007-02-14 05:42:02 If you’re thinking of taking up sky diving you might want to wait until after your first jump to watch this, but it’s just plain amazing. And remember, you saw it here first on Hammer Uncut. Well, unless you found it on YouTube already like I did. Michael Holmes, a sky diver from New... More About: Survive , Vive , Diver , Fall , Foot
Barack Obama Not Black
2007-02-11 05:41:01 According to Salon columnist and author of The End of Black ness Debra Dickerson, Barack Obama is not black. I know his mother was white, but he sure looks black and his father came from Kenya and those folks are pretty damn black over there, but Ms. Dickerson isn’t claiming that Obama is not... More About: Bama
Don?t Say the D Word in Texas
2007-02-07 17:39:01 In Texas it’s legal to buy a dildo that looks like penis as long as it doesn’t vibrate and it’s legal to buy a vibrator as long as it doesn’t look like a penis, but whatever you do, don’t call it a dildo. dildo, penis, texas, vibratordildo, penis, texas, vibrator More About: Word , The D
Inconvenient Truth of Global Cooling
2007-02-07 11:38:02 This poor couple was found early this morning after apparently freezing solid while having sex on the hood of their car last night. For the past week or so here in Florida the temperatures have been below what is considered normal for this time of year, with lows in the upper 30’s and low... More About: Truth , Cool , Global , Cooling , Ruth
Don?t Say the D Word in Texas
2007-02-07 11:38:02 In Texas it’s legal to buy a dildo that looks like penis as long as it doesn’t vibrate and it’s legal to buy a vibrator as long as it doesn’t look like a penis but whatever you do, don’t call it a dildo. dildo, penis, texas, vibratordildo, penis, texas, vibrator More About: Word , The D
Korea?s Dangerous New Weapon
2007-02-06 23:38:01 Am I the only one that finds the recent nuclear weapon test in Kore a far less frightening than the fact that they’ve found a way to conquer gravity and are teaching their soldiers to fly without brooms? Apparently they learned the technique from watching the Harry Potter films and soldiers... More About: Anger , Danger , Weapon
Inconvenient Evidence of Global Cooling
2007-02-06 23:38:01 This poor couple was found early this morning after apparently freezing solid while having sex on the hood of their car last night. For the past week or so here in Florida the temperatures have been below what is considered normal for this time of year, with lows in the upper 30’s and low... More About: Evidence , Cool , Global , Cooling
Amazing Illustration by Lukasz Szeflinski
2007-02-05 23:37:01 This is not a photograph, it is an illustration done by artist Lukasz Szeflinski from a photograph. It’s phenomenal and the thing that makes it really amazing is that it was done entirely on a computer using Adobe Photoshop. Click the image to see the full resolution file. Notice the detail... More About: Amazing , Illustration , Trat , Lust , Stra
Kelly Brook Next Angelina Jolie
2007-02-02 11:34:01 Q. How does a young actress shift her career into high gear? A. Go to an awards show dressed like this. Combine a beautiful face with a 5 foot 8 inch, 32E-24-32 body and some reasonable acting skills and what do you get? The next Angel ina Jolie . We predict Kelly Brook will be Hollywood’s... More About: Next
Paris Hilton won?t be Exposed
More articles from this author:2007-02-02 11:34:01 This is an update to a story I posted a few days ago about a website called Paris Expo sed.com. You can read that story here. Paris Hilton has filed a lawsuit against the week-old website (the site has been taken down) that was providing paid access to many of Hilton’s personal belongings... More About: Expose 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 |
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