Hammer Uncut Hammer Uncut A humorous look at the world around us. Interviews, reviews, videos, social commentary, rants, raves, and whatever else I decide to talk about. Articles
Immaculate Chimpanzee Conception
2007-01-23 11:30:01 The male chimpanzees at a sanctuary called Chimp Haven in Louisiana apparently did some monkeying around and got one of the females pregnant. The thing that has the staff stumped is that all seven of the male chimps have had vasectomies. Workers are collecting hair samples from the males for... More About: Mac , Late , Once , Concept , Chimpanzee
No Front-Wheel Drive for BMW
2007-01-23 11:30:01 The text for this BMW advertisement reads, “That’s why we don’t have front-wheel drives.” More About: Drive , Bmw , Front , Wheel , Heel
You will Feel a Little Prick
2007-01-23 11:30:01 The doctor’s unions in Romania are hacked off over a decision to make a doctor pay about $200,000 in damages after he hacked off a patient’s penis. The doctor claims he was under a lot of stress (who isn’t?) and became upset when he accidentally cut the patient’s urinary... More About: Rick , Will , Little , Feel , Litt
Hot New Camera for Voyeurs
2007-01-12 17:27:01 Camero, a company from Israel has developed a camera that can see through solid walls and has raised $20 million from investors to begin manufacturing the cameras. The Xaver800, as the prototype is called, issues an ultrawideband signal and the data is used to create 3D models of anything the... More About: Camera , Voyeurs , Voyeur
The Amazing Animated Browser Thingy
2007-01-11 23:25:01 Here’s a fun little trick. Go to any website with lots of graphics and paste this bit of code into the address bar and hit your ‘enter’ key. The graphics on the page will animate. Try it on a porn site. If you stare at the monitor long enough, you’ll see God, but it turns... More About: Anima , Amazing , Browser , Mate , Animated
You can do Anything with Enough Money
2007-01-11 05:23:01 The current administration has been working hard to shut down Internet porn and online gambling sites by making life rough for the people that run or promote them. In the case of Internet porn, they made revisions to an existing law (2257) and have been telling the public that the purpose of the... More About: Money , With , Enough , Thing , Anything
Alien Cow Abductions Serious Problem
2007-01-05 05:16:01 There is an alarming and insidious problem occurring in the world at this very moment and most of you are blissfully unaware, unless you’re a dairy farmer or sell milking machines. Alien cow abductions are a serious threat and if we don’t find a way to stop it, we’ll all be... More About: Serious , Problem , Abduction
You Park Like An Idiot
2007-01-04 17:15:02 How many times have you seen someone park like an idiot and felt like making sure they knew it? They’re either too lazy to take the time to get their car between the lines like the rest of us, or they think they’re special and they deserve the right to take up two spots but [...] More About: Idiot , Park , Like
Cross Added to Top of White House
2007-01-03 17:14:01 This must be a new change because I’ve not heard or seen anything about it on the news, but apparently the President had the flag which traditionally sat atop the White House replaced with a large cross. christian, cross, washington dc, white housechristian, cross, washington dc, white house More About: White House , Cross , Ross
Hussein Hanged Hoodless
2006-12-30 23:10:01 Saddam Hussein was executed by hanging Saturday at dawn and did not wear a hood. His executioners did though. Fucking pussies. executed, executioners, hanged, hanging, hangs, saddam husseinexecuted, executioners, hanged, hanging, hangs, saddam hussein More About: Hood , Less
Dream Vacation for Sale on Ebay
2006-12-30 11:09:02 A vacation for two is being offered for sale on eBay for less than what it’s actually worth, but there’s a catch. It’s only available to a single woman and she has to agree to go with the guy that is selling the trip. Adam Croot planned a vacation to a resort in Negril, Jamaica so he could propose to his girlfriend. Unfortunately, she dumped him before they could go. Rather than lose his non-refundable flight and hotel deposits, he decided to go anyway and is looking for a lady that is willing to pay $1259 to go on the trip with him. The resort’s rules state that the trip is available to heterosexual couples only (discrimination) so he can’t go alone or take a male friend. Croot does have a few rules and doesn’t intend to go with a woman that is too old or “has a jealous husband”. He must really want to go, because my rules would be a little stricter. The woman would have to be between the ages of 21 and 30, look like Angelina Jolie, a... More About: For Sale , Cat , Vacation , Ebay , Sale
Farting Major Cause of Global Warming
2006-12-28 17:06:02 Al Gore says we’ll all be dead in ten years in his documentary about global warming, An Inconvenient Truth, and although he blames man for the problem, apparently we actually have cows to thank for our pending imminent demise. According to recent studies, cow farts account for one third of the world’s methane emissions. A single cow gives off approximately 400 liters of methane gas in one day and methane is twenty times more harmful to the atmosphere than carbon dioxide, which currently gets most of the bad press. The solution is obvious and will actually accomplish two things. I propose that we find a way to collect the methane from cows and then begin altering new cars to run on methane gas. We’ll reduce our dependence on oil and drastically slow global warming at the same time. Methane would cost about $.10 a gallon and Volvo is already producing a bi-fuel engine that burns methane and uses gasoline as a backup fuel. The five-cylinder 2.4-liter Bi-Fuel engine fo... More About: Global Warming , War , Global , Cause , Fart
Michael Jackson or Phil the Syphilis Sore
2006-12-27 23:05:01 Which one is the better role model? They’re both scary to look at and associated with diseases, but the truth is Phil has the more positive image. A 2002 San Francisco advertising campaign which encouraged men to get tested for syphilis using two cartoon characters, Healthy Penis and Phil the Syphilis Sore, has been called a success by a recent study. One can only guess at which of the two lovable characters was the actual reason for the campaign’s success, but somehow I think that a giant walking puss-filled sore would have been more effective than a goofy Barney-like penis with big round balls and a toothy grin. I haven’t seen the full report, but it appears that the campaign was rated a success based on the fact that 40 to 60 percent of the people that responded to the survey and had been tested for syphilis said they were aware of the ads prior to testing. That’s about as logical as claiming that since the majority of pedophiles have heard of Michael Jack ... More About: Michael Jackson , Jackson
Blowjob Commercial from MasterCard
2006-12-24 11:02:01 Okay, it’s a parody and Master Card didn’t actually produce it, but they should have. Just imagine what would happen if they showed this commercial during the Super Bowl. blowjob, mastercard, super bowl, youtubeblowjob, mastercard, super bowl, youtube More About: Commercial , Comm , Merc
Horny Christian Awarded $5.89 Million
2006-12-20 22:59:01 A former devout Chris t ian from Suffolk England just made nearly $6 million for being over sexed. Stephen Tame, 29, fell from a scaffold while working at a bicycle warehouse and suffered severe head injuries. After awakening from a 2-month coma he found that he had also suffered a severe boost to... [[ This is a content summary only. Visit my website for full links, other content, and more! ]] More About: War , Lion
Politically Incorrect Word of the Year
2006-12-19 10:57:02 The Gobal Language Monitor, a nonprofit group that studies word usage, has picked the word ‘macaca’ as the most politically incorrect word of the year. Chances are very good that Senator George Allen’s use of the racial epithet ‘macaca’ when referring to a Democratic... [[ This is a content summary only. Visit my website for full links, other content, and more! ]] More About: Political , Word , Politica , Politically Incorrect , Call
Perfect Gift for That Someone Special
2006-12-19 10:57:02 Save this gift for last. You’re lady will love it. For you guys that come up a little short, remember, it’s the thought that counts. Justin Timberlake and Andy Samberg singing the soon to be Holiday classic, Dick in a Box. andy samberg, dick in a box, justin timberlake, youtubeandy... [[ This is a content summary only. Visit my website for full links, other content, and more! ]] More About: Hat , Gift , Special , Perfect , That
Time to Decrease the Surplus Population
2006-12-17 22:56:02 ‘Twas a very pleasant 80-degree December in Florida evening last night. The children were nestled all snug in their beds, so I was strolling around my front yard smoking a cigar and admiring my Christmas lights, when what to my wondering eyes should appear? One of my neighbors approaching in his car with something giving luster to his broad face and huge round belly that couldn’t shake like a bowl full of jelly because it was jammed up tight against the steering wheel. As he drove by, I noticed the source of the glow and I laughed when I saw it, in spite of myself. He has a flip down DVD monitor like lots of folks do, but is it installed in line with the front seats to be viewed by rear-seat passengers? Hell no. It’s installed directly behind the moron’s rear view mirror so he can see it. Some states have laws against using cell phones while driving and yet this jolly old elf is watching a movie. I’m not sure if he heard me exclaim as he drove out of si... More About: Pop , Time , Plus , Ease , Surplus
Big Condoms or Tiny Dicks?
2006-12-17 16:56:01 Now we know why India has the most AIDS patients in the world and a population of 1.1 billion people. The men have small penises. According to a newly released medical study Indian men don’t measure up and most of the condoms on sale in that country are too big. The Indian Council on Medical Research found that 60% of the 1,400 men tested had penises that were at least one inch shorter than international condom sizes and 30% of the men were at least two inches shorter. Considering how many customers we’re talking about I’m sure the condom manufacturers will jump right on producing Indian-sized condoms. It would be the responsible thing to do. This new information also explains why the Kama Sutra was written in India. Unusual positions often become necessary when the tool isn’t adequate for the job. There is one positive aspect to this report though, because now we know where to find the tighest pussies in the world. Source: Agence France Presse More About: Condo , Ondo , Tiny , Dick , Condom
New Hope for Blind Hunters
2006-12-17 16:56:01 Texas State Representative Edmund Kuempel has introduced a bill to allow blind people to hunt any game animals that sighted people can hunt. Kuempel says, “This opens up the fun of hunting to additional people, and I think that’s great.” The bill states that the blind hunter would be required to have a sighted hunter with them. They would also be able to use laser sights and other equipment that sighted hunters are not permitted to use. The suggested method is to mount a pistol scope to the side of the rifle so the sighted hunter can peer through the scope while standing behind the blind hunter and offer aiming instructions. “Okay Bill, aim a bit more to your left. Good, now up a little. A little more. There, that’s it, fire! Oh yeah, great shot! He fell like a sack of bricks. C’mon, let’s hurry on over there so you can touch him and maybe you’ll be lucky enough to hear him take his last breath.” I’m not blind, so I can... More About: Hunter , Hope , Blind , Hunters , Hunt
Dating Site for Conservatives and Gays?
2006-12-17 16:56:01 Ultra conservative talk show host, Sean Hannity, has a dating site “where people of like conservative minds can come together to meet”. The name of the site is HanniDate and it works just like any other online dating site except I doubt that you’ll have much success if you’re a liberal. If you’re familiar with Sean Hannity you know that he’s against gay marriage, but apparently he has no problem with gay’s dating because ‘male seeking male’ is one of the options. Just for grins I searched, and although I won’t say I found a plethora of gay profiles, there were more than I expected. Here are some excerpts from a few of the profiles. Alpha Steve from Decatur, Georgia I’m aganist the gays. i’m looking for some guy BUDDIES to just horse around with and stuff. general macho guy stuff like punching in the shoulder for no reason and drink beer and agressivly wrasslin around in the yard or the livin room for no reason, ... More About: Dating , Site , Conservative , Conservatives , Gays
Sexy Nurses Raise Blood Pressure
2006-12-17 16:56:01 Let’s say that you owned a Hooters styled, themed restaurant called the Heart Attack Grill and had items on the menu like the Quadruple Bypass Burger and Flatliner Fries and you wanted to really play up the theme by having your waitresses dress appropriately. What do you think you might have them dress like? How about nurses? It’s a no brainer and exactly what Heart Attack Grill owner, Jon Basso did. But, guess what? Yep, some people are complaining about it. Several nurses have filed complaints with the Arizona attorney general’s office. Sandy Summers, the executive director of the Center for Nursing Advocacy says, ?Nurse s are the most sexually fantasized-about profession. We?re asking people, if they?re going to have these fantasies, please don?t make it so public. Move these sexual fantasies to other professions.? Let me know when you’ve stopped laughing and I’ll continue. Move our sexual fantasies to another profession? Maybe like, assembly line wor... More About: Press , Sexy , Blood , Sure
Life Imitates Art Borat Style
2006-12-17 16:56:01 Borat Sagdiyev, an unknown reporter from Kazakhstan, came to the U.S. and won over our hearts and brought us a new awareness of his people and maybe some of what we learned from Borat will help us understand this story. Saparmurat Niyazov, the authoritarian leader (dictator) of Turkmenistan (yeah, that’s a real country) has opened an amusement park in his country’s capital and named it after himself. The World of Turkmenbashi Tales has 54 rides and is intended to give children a better understanding of the world and the history and culture of their people. Niyazov has ordered his people to call him Turkmenbashi, or Father of All Turkmen, hence the name of the amusement park. Maybe it’s just me, but I’m thinking the Father of All Turkmen would be… oh I don’t know… the very first fucking Turkman? I guess maybe he thought the Boss of All Turkmen sounded a little too Soprano like. I’m hoping that Borat will visit the Turkmenbashi park soon... More About: Life , Borat , Style
Under New Management
2006-12-09 22:54:02 That has got to be one of the dumbest marketing ideas anyone ever came up with. I was driving in my car listening to the radio this morning and a commercial comes on making a big deal about this car dealership being under new management. You know what? I couldn’t care less, and although they think the commercial is going to make me take a second look, it won’t. Let’s suppose that you’d purchased a car from that dealership before and were unhappy with the experience. Would you seriously consider buying a car there now, just because they are under new management? Now, suppose that you’d never purchased a car from that dealer before. Doesn’t the fact that it’s under new management tell you something about the old management? The logical conclusion is that the old company sold out because they weren’t profitable (probably because of poor management), so now that the commercial has put that negative thought in your mind why would you suspec... More About: Management , Men , Mana , Manage , Under
Christ Followers Call Christians Dorks
2006-12-09 22:54:02 The Community Chris t ian Church is running a campaign to help “people find their way back to God” with a series of videos parodying the new Mac vs PC commercials, titled “Christian No More”. The videos are actually well done and quite funny, but the really hilarious part is that they don’t see the fact that they are Christians making fun of other Christians to make a point. Apparently if you’re a devout Christian, wear a suit to church, carry a bible and listen to Christian music, they’ll laugh at you behind your back and call you a dork. Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 christians commercials community christian church mac vs. pc youtube More About: Dorks
Go Elf Yourself
2006-12-09 04:52:03 Here’s something fun to send your friends, from the folks at Office Max. Upload a photo of yourself, make a few adjustments and poof, you’re an elf. Here’s mine. I don’t think they anticipated the server load because it does seem to take a long time to load at times, and I’m not sure how long the image stays on the server or how long the site will be up, so hurry over and Elf Your self now. Of course you could elf your friends too. I’m sure they’d forgive you… eventually. elf yourself office max More About: Self
Loud Sex Against the Law
2006-12-08 16:51:02 A couple from South Africa have been ordered by the village Chief to wait until after 10 pm to have sex. Neighbors complained to the village elders that the amorous and vocal couple were disturbing their meals and television watching. One neighbor says “I have a nine-year-old boy and he always asks what is happening every time the woman screams.” Does her kid have a short-term memory problem? It seems to me that after he asked the first time and was told that the lady was just happy, kind of like when someone scores a goal in soccer, that the kid wouldn’t have to ask again the next time. The couple was initially ordered to stop making noise by the tribal council, but I guess that didn’t work, so the Chief has ruled that they need to limit their love-making sessions to between the hours of 10 pm and 5 am. Apparently they decided that being woken up in the middle of the night was better than turning the television volume up. Source: Agence France-Presse lou... More About: Again , Loud , The Law
Scratch and Sniff Ad Snafooed
2006-12-08 16:51:02 A clever new marketing campaign has been scuttled by city officials after some idiots raised a stink. Got Milk? marketing campaign billboards at city bus shelters in San Francisco had been treated with scented oil strips that smelled like fresh-baked chocolate chip cookies. The idea was that people waiting on the bus would develop a craving for milk. Officials ordered the company responsible for putting up the signs to remove the scented strips after critics expressed concern that (get this) they would be offensive to poor and homeless people because they couldn’t afford to buy sweet treats. You’ve got to be kidding me. Have you ever seen someone use food stamps at a grocery store? I was in line behind two very large ladies just last week and their cart was loaded with soft drinks, chips, candy and cookies. They paid with food stamps and I didn’t see them buy one single nutritious item. Unfortunately for the Dairy Council they also didn’t buy any milk, but I ... More About: Scratch , Sniff
Christmas Pornaments for Your Tree
2006-12-06 22:48:02 Spencer Gifts is bringing a little more Ho, Ho, Ho to your Christ mas party with their line of X-rated Christmas tree ornaments. They can be purchased for $9 at area Spencer’s stores and on their website. The box reads, “Unlike those other elves, we know everyone on the list (even the naughty ones) needs to have a smile and a laugh this time of year.” However (and you knew this was coming), some concerned citizens (read Christians) are demanding that the pornaments be taken off the shelves. Baptist Church Reverend Jim Patterson says, “It is just sad they have to stoop to this kind of thing to defame Christmas. It says we are nothing more than sexual acts or psychical beings and we are much more than that. We are spiritual beings and this is a spiritual holiday. And, why bring it to that level? It makes no sense to me.” What makes no sense to me is how an anatomically correct gingerbread man or Frosty fucking his girlfriend (nice tits) can be seen as defa... More About: Men , Your , Name
Peace on Earth, but not Colorado
More articles from this author:2006-12-06 04:47:01 A woman in southwestern Color ado hung this wreath on the side of her house for the holidays. I’m sure we all recognize the peace symbol and considering the well-known holiday phrase, “Peace on earth, good will to men”, one would think the message was quite clear. But noooooo. Not her neighborhood’s homeowners association. They’re fining her $25 a day until she takes it down. Why you ask? Some of her neighbors complained because they have children serving in Iraq and also believe the wreath is a symbol of Satan. Once again the minority seems to be able to dictate what the majority does, because only three residents complained and it’s a 200 home subdivision. Lisa Jensen says, “Peace is way bigger than not being at war. This is a spiritual thing.” She calculates that the fines will add up to about $1,000, but has no intentions of removing the wreath. The homeowners association sent Ms. Jensen a letter stating that residents were offended... More About: Colorado , Earth , Peace on Earth 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 |
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