Time To Happy

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For The Ladies
2007-07-16 07:34:00
My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight" He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in. ......................................... ....... A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world" The woman says, "I'll miss you" ......................................... ........ Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man? A: A rumour ......................................... ......... He said "since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly" She said "well, you've succeeded" ......................................... ......... Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? A: 45 minutes  
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Blondes on Bus
2007-07-16 07:33:00
Two cheerleading teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes charter a double-decker bus for a weekend cheerleading competition in Brisbane. The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level. The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hasn't heard anything from the blonds upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead At the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. The brunette asked, "What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!" One of the Blondes looks up at her, swallows hard and whispered, "YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER."  
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Confucius Say.....
2007-07-16 07:32:00
Man who stand on toilet high on pot. Man who jump off cliff, jump to conclusion. Man who run behind car get exhausted. Virgin just like balloon ... one prick, all gone. Secretary not permanent until she screwed on desk. Man who put ~censored~ in Peanut Butter jar is F***ing Nuts. Man with tool in woman mouth May not necessarily be dentist. Couple on 7-day honeymoon make hole weak. Girl who marry Richard must kiss Dick. Man with hand in pocket feel ~censored~ all day. Man who excels at putting worm on hook is Master Baiter Man young when he snatches kisses, old when he kisses snatches. Man who loses key to lady's apartment get no new-key. Man who go to sleep with itchy butt, wake with smelly fingers... War do not determine who right, war determine who left. Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok Schoolboy who play with schoolgirl during wrong period, get caught red-handed. Girl who sit on judge's lap get an honourable discharge. Girl who go c...
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Stuff About Sex You Did Not Know?..
2007-07-13 05:40:00
Stuff about sex you did not know?..1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth.============ = 2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.============ = 3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner. ============ = 4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!============ = 5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.============ = 6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of...
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The World's Smallest Creatures
2007-07-12 09:49:00
When his owner shouts "Heel!" Ducky the dog has little choice but to take things literally. At just over ankle height, the three-year-old short-coat chihuahua from Boston in the U.S. has just been named the smallest living dog in the world by Guinness World Records.At only 4.9in(12.4 cm) tall, Ducky weighs less than 1lb 6oz. His head is the size of a large strawberry. "He is such a funny little guy," says his owner Lisa Messier, who bought him for £2,500 when he was 13 months old. "He doesn't go out for walks, but if you want to go out, you can just put him in your bag."Chihuahuas are the smallest dogs in the world - in fact, the only "natural" toy breed. Other small pups are the result of breeding down larger breeds. Celebrities such as Paris Hilton and Madonna are well-known fans of chihuahuas. Ducky succeeds Danka Kordak, a 5.4in chihuahua from Slovakia, in the record books. As a 4.9 inch(12.4 cm) chihuahua is named the world's smallest dog, meet some more of the smallest - and...
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April Fools
2007-07-12 07:50:00
Little Old Lady in court.....Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.Defense Attorney: Did you know him?Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.Defense Attorney: Why not?Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abler died some 30 years ago.Defense Attorney: What happened next? Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then? Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.Defense Attorney: Why not?Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited.I ...
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Golf at its Best
2007-07-12 06:37:00
A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf..... Of course,the wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of thebiggest house adjacent to the course.The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to goup there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy driveis going to cost us.'So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warmvoice said, 'Come on in.'When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glasswas all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its sidenear the broken window.A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke mywindow?''Uh... yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you... You see,I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll giveyou each one wish, but if y...
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A Mountain in China Looks Like a Pair of Breasts
2007-07-12 06:21:00
The mountain, located 12km north of Zhenfeng town in the Guizhou province, is known locally as dual breast mountain.The mountain is used as a place of worship by the community.Locals come to the foot of the mountain during weddings believing it will bring them goodness and fortune.
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100 Great Reasons It's Great To Be A Guy
2007-07-11 09:16:00
1) Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. 2) Movie nudity is virtually always female. 3) You know stuff about tanks. 4) A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase. 5) Monday Night Football. 6) You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives. 7) Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter. 8) You can open all your own jars. 9) Old friends don't give a crap whether you've lost or gained weight. 10) Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind. 11) When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall at every shot of somebody crying. 12) Your butt is never a factor in job interviews. 13) All your orgasms are real. 14) A beer gut doesn't make you invisible to the opposite sex. 15) Guys in hockey masks don't attack you (unless you smash 'em into the boards). 16) You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go. 17) You understand why Stripes is funny. 18) You can go to the bathroom without a support group. 19) Your last name stay...
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6 Animals I Would Have Sex With
2007-07-11 09:14:00
Lock ness Emu P Anderson Goat Pantha Koala bear  
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Fast Food : Ads vs Reality
2007-07-10 08:16:00
AdsReality
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Cinderella in Trouble
2007-07-10 08:06:00
Cinderella wanted to go to the ball so she sought out her Fairy Godmother for advice. "I will let you go to the ball, Cinderella," she said, "but you must do two things. You must wear a diaphragm and you must return before 2:00 a.m. or else your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin." Well Cinderella went to the ball but it was already past 2:00 a.m. and then it was 3:00 a.m....then 4:00 a.m....and finally Cinderella arrived safely home. Her Fairy Godmother looked at her and said, "I see you have finally made it home. How was the ball?" "Just fine," replied Cinderella. "Everything went fine." "Well how can that be?" Replied the Fairy Godmother. "I met this nice Prince and we had a wonderful time." "You knew that your diaphragm would turn into a pumpkin if you didn't return by 2:00 a.m. and this is always a sure thing. So tell me about the Prince. What was his name?" "I'm not sure but it was something like, Peter, Peter, Pumpkin......."  
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Warning Adult Themes
2007-07-10 07:54:00
A man met a beautiful girl, and she agreed to spend the night with him for $500. So, they spent the night together. In the morning before he left, he told the girl that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "Rent for Apartment". On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So, he sent a check for $250 and enclosed a note:"Dear Madam:Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:1. It had never been occupied;2. There was plenty of heat; and3. It was small enough to make me cozy and at home. Last night,however,I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large."Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately sent ba...
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69
2007-07-10 07:46:00
A girl brings a guy home one night. They get into her apartment and immediately she suggests that they do "69". "What the hell is that?" asks the guy. Realizing he's inexperienced, she tries to explain,"I put my head between your legs and you put your head between mine." Still not knowing what she's talking about, but not wanting to ruin the moment he agrees to try it. The second they get in to the position, she lets go a RIP-ROARING fart. "What was that for?" he asks. "Oooopppps! Sorry, lets try it again" she says. So, they get into position again, and once more she lets one loose. The guy gets up and starts to put his coat on. "Wait, where are you going?" she asks. The guy says, "If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy !!!"  
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Summer BBQ Season
2007-07-06 09:28:00
After 6 long months of cold and winter, we are finally coming up to summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking as it's the only type of cooking a real man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.   When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:   Here's the routine...(1) The woman buys the food.(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables and makes dessert.(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.   Here comes the important part:(4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.   More routine....(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring ...
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Atheist
2007-07-06 09:28:00
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created."What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the casue was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.   At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.   As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice c...
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A Little Blind
2007-07-06 09:27:00
A little blind girl goes up to her mum and says, "Mummy, mummy, when will I be able to see?"Her mum replies "I'll tell you what, I'll take you to the chemist and get you some special cream for your eyes and you will be able to see in the morning."So off they went to the chemist, got the cream, and went home, all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited at the prospect of being able to see again. Once they got home, the mother put the cream on the little girls eyes, wrapped a bandage around her head, and took her to bed.The following morning the little girl stumbled into her mums bedroom and excitedly shouted "Quick mummy, take off the bandage so that i will be able to see again."So the mother slowly took of all the bandages, taking her time, and all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited. Once they were off the little girl said "But mummy, I still can't see."To which the mother replied, "April fool!"  
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Three Women
2007-07-06 09:27:00
Three women go to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation, get drunk, and wake up in jail, onlyto find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did thenight before.   The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says,"I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene onthe behalf of the innocent."   They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg forforgiveness, and they release her.   The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I just graduated from the HarvardSchool of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."   They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg forforgiveness and release her.   The last one (wou...
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Here's to Your Health
2007-07-04 02:50:00
A man walked into a bar and ordered three shots of Scotch whisky, which he quickly drank one after another. When he finished the last one, he ordered three more. The bartender said, "You know, that isn't good for you."   "I know," the man replied, "particularly with what I have."   "What do you have?" the bartender asked.   "One dollar."  
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